Original subtitles

>> LaFonda: TONIGHT ON

"NEWSREADERS," WE TAKE YOU

INSIDE THE WORLD-FAMOUS

SNEAD NORMANDY YOUTH GOLF

ACADEMY -- BREEDING GROUND FOR

WORLD-CLASS PROFESSIONAL

GOLFERS, OR TRAINING CAMP FOR

AL-QAEDA SLEEPER CELLS?

ALSO, WE CATCH UP WITH FAMED

NEWSMAN DAN RATHER AND LEARN

ABOUT HIS SECOND CAREER AS PART

OF THE DIRTY SOUTH HIP-HOP

SCENE.

>> IT TURNS OUT BONE CRUSHER,

BUN B, AND I SHARE AN AGENT.

THE REST, AS I SAY IN MY SONG

"FACT MAN TO DA 404," IS

HISTORY.

>> LaFonda: ALL THAT AND MORE

TONIGHT ON "NEWSREADERS."

60 YEARS AGO, WHEN

DR. ALFRED KINSEY PUBLISHED HIS

SEMINAL WORK ON HUMAN SEXUALITY,

HE NEVER COULD HAVE IMAGINED THE

THINGS WE WOULD BE DOING WITH

AND TO OUR GENITALIA.

AND DR. KINSEY SURELY COULD

NEVER HAVE IMAGINED THAT

AMERICA'S CHANGING SEXUAL HABITS

MIGHT ONE DAY REVITALIZE A

STRUGGLING AMERICAN AUTO

INDUSTRY.

NOT ONLY MIGHT THEY, DID THEY.

THE STORY OF THE REBIRTH OF

DETROIT STEEL BEGINS IN, OF ALL

PLACES, THIS EASTERN ARIZONA

STATE UNIVERSITY DORM ROOM,

WHERE SPORTS DRINK MARKETING

MAJORS ETHAN LEXWORTH AND

MICAH BERKELEY HAD A SIMPLE

IDEA.

>> WELL, WE DIDN'T HAVE A RIDE

FOR BONNAROO AND...

I SAID, "DUDE, IF -- I BET IF WE

HAD A COOL BUT NONDESCRIPT VAN,

I BET WE COULD DRIVE OURSELVES

THERE AND GET GIRLS THAT WE

DON'T KNOW TO HAVE SEX WITH US."

>> I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, TOTALLY."

AND THEN LIKE 10 MINUTES LATER,

I HAD ANOTHER IDEA.

>> LaFonda: YOU HAD A SECOND

IDEA.

>> YEAH. IT JUST HIT ME.

IT WAS LIKE A FREIGHT TRUCK.

>> LaFonda: AND DID YOU SAY WHAT

THE SECOND IDEA WAS?

>> I WAS LIKE, "UH, COOL, AND

THEN IF WE FILM US HAVING SEX

WITH THE GIRLS, WE COULD JUST

PUT IT UP ON THE INTERNET."

>> LaFonda: [ CHUCKLES ]

IT'S GENIUS.

[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]

YOU GUYS.

>> WHATEVER.

>> LaFonda: [ SCOFFS ]

HOW WAS BONNAROO?

>> WE DIDN'T MAKE IT.

>> YEAH, WE KIND OF GOT BUSY.

>> LaFonda: [ LAUGHS ]

MORE LIKE BONER-ROO. AM I RIGHT?

>> NOBODY REALLY SAYS "BONER"

ANYMORE.

>> LaFonda: THEY LEASED THE

15-PASSENGER VAN AND JUST

OUTSIDE THE DEALERSHIP LOT, AN

INTERNET SENSATION WAS BORN.

>> WHY DON'T YOU GET INSIDE THE

VAN?

WE'LL GET A LITTLE WEIRD.

>> OKAY. THAT SOUNDS FUN.

>> OH, GIRL!

>> OH, THAT IS HELLA BANGIN'.

>> LaFonda: ETHAN AND MICAH'S

VIDEOS SPREAD LIKE A VIRAL

INTERNET VIDEO.

AND LIKE APPLE COMPUTER AND

JESUS, ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL

BUSINESS WAS ONCE AGAIN BORN IN

A GARAGE.

AND NOW AMERICA NEEDED MORE

GARAGES...FOR VANS.

AS THE [BLEEP] VAN VIDEOS GAINED

IN POPULARITY, VANS SALES SPIKED

ACROSS THE COUNTRY, AND AUTO

MANUFACTURERS BEGAN TO HEAVILY

MARKET THEM AS LUXURY ITEMS.

>> THE NEW AMERICAN AUTO MOTOR'S

BENCHMARK L -- ROOMY, SLEEK,

STYLISH, SOPHISTICATED, AND

SEXY.

MUCH MORE THAN TRANSPORTATION,

IT GETS YOU EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE

LOOKING FOR.

>> LaFonda: IN JUST TWO YEARS,

ETHAN AND MICAH MADE ENOUGH

MONEY TO BUY AN ENTIRE FLOOR OF

THEIR DORMITORY, WHICH NOW

HOUSES THE [BLEEP] VAN OFFICES.

AMERICA'S LOVE AFFAIR WITH VANS

SEEMED TO KNOW NO BOUNDS, BUT IT

LEARNED SOME BOUNDS THANKS TO

ONE MAN.

HIS NAME IS AMES MACKENZIE, AND

HE'S SUING AMERICAN AUTO.

>> I BOUGHT ONE OF THEIR VANS

AND DROVE IT AROUND FOR TWO

WEEKS, APPROACHED GIRLS AT

PARKING LOTS AND PARKING

GARAGES AND STRIP MALLS, REGULAR

MALLS, SPORTS ARENAS, TURNPIKE

REST AREAS, UH...CARL'S JR.

PARKING LOTS, ARBY'S PARKING

LOTS, RAX ROAST BEEF'S PARKING

LOTS, UM...PARKS, DOG PARKS,

DEL TACO PARKING LOTS.

DID I SAY SPORTS ARENAS?

>> LaFonda: YES, YOU DID.

>> SPORTS ARENAS AND THE MARINA,

AND NONE OF THE GIRLS WOULD EVEN

GET INTO THE VAN, LET ALONE TAKE

OFF THEIR TOP AND DO STUFF.

>> LaFonda: SO, HERE YOU ARE,

STUCK WITH A LEMON.

>> A LEMON WITH THE PREMIUM

PACKAGE.

>> LaFonda: HEATED SEATS?

>> HEATED SEAT BELTS.

>> LaFonda: I UNDERSTAND WHY

YOU'RE SUING AMERICAN AUTO, BUT

WHY WOULD YOU SUE [BLEEP] VAN?

>> WELL, FIRST OF ALL, I WORK AS

A FILE CLERK AT A LAW FIRM, SO

THE PAPERWORK'S NOTHING.

>> EVERYTHING ON OUR WEBSITE IS

100% REAL.

>> LaFonda: SO, YOU GUYS AREN'T

WORRIED ABOUT THIS LAWSUIT?

>> SORRY IF HE COULDN'T GET LAID

WITH THE VAN.

IT WORKS FOR US.

>> LaFonda: YOU GUYS -- YOU GUYS

ARE JUST GETTING LAID ALL THE

TIME IN COLLEGE, AREN'T YOU?

YOU'RE JUST, LIKE...

I THINK I WAS BORN 20 -- 10

YEARS TOO EARLY, YOU KNOW?

I, UH...

>> BUT YOU CAN JUST GET A VAN.

>> THEY'RE STYLISH.

>> YOU SHOULD GET ONE.

>> LaFonda: AND THAT'S JUST WHAT

WE DID, TO FIND OUT IF THEIR

WEBSITE WAS LEGITIMATE.

SO, CAMMIE, YOU'VE BEEN IN

SEVERAL [BLEEP] VAN VIDEOS.

ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THE -- NO,

NO, NO, NO.

THAT'S -- NO, NO.

JUST -- YOU CAN PUT YOUR SHIRT

BACK DOWN.

IT'S OKAY.

UM...WHERE WAS I?

UH...RIGHT.

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE LAWSUIT

GOING ON?

>> OH, YEAH.

I SAW THAT GUY SUING ON TV.

[ CHUCKLES ]

HE PROBABLY HAD A DIRTY VAN.

THAT'S WHY GIRLS WOULDN'T GET IN

IT AND DO STUFF.

>> LaFonda: SO, YOU THINK THE

VAN WAS THE PROBLEM?

>> MAYBE.

I MEAN [BLEEP] VANS ARE ALWAYS

SPOTLESS ON THE OUTSIDE AND

ROOMY ON THE INSIDE.

AND THEY'RE SO SLEEK.

>> LaFonda: PLUS THEY'RE

COMFORTABLE AND KIND OF

SOPHISTICATED.

DO YOU THINK -- NO, NO, NO,

CAMMIE.

NO, NO. STOP, STOP, STOP.

JUST...PULL IT DOWN.

IT'S [CLEARS THROAT] NOT

NECESSARY.

>> IT'S REALLY HOT IN HERE.

EVERYTHING'S HEATED.

>> LaFonda: I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE THE VAN WASN'T CLEAN

ENOUGH TO BE ENTICING.

>> NO, IT WAS DETAILED BEFORE I

GOT IT.

>> LaFonda: DO YOU SMELL

SOMETHING?

>> I ATE SALAMI YESTERDAY.

>> LaFonda: I-I-I-I THINK THAT'S

POSSIBLE IT MIGHT BE IT.

[BLEEP] VAN APPEARED TO BE

GUILTY OF NOTHING MORE THAN

PROVIDING A FILE CLERK WITH AN

OUTLET FOR HIS PAPERWORK SKILLS,

UNTIL "NEWSREADERS" RECEIVED A

CALL FROM SOMEBODY -- AN INSIDER

WHO SAID THEY HAD INSIDE

INFORMATION.

>> I HAD TO SAY SOMETHING.

>> LaFonda: IS THAT YOU, CAMMIE?

>> [ CLEARS THROAT ]

[ Deep voice ] NO. NO.

>> LaFonda: THE SOURCE, WHO

WE'LL CALL WOODWARD, BECAUSE

CALLING HER DEEP THROAT WOULD BE

TOO ON THE NOSE, DECIDED TO COME

FORWARD BECAUSE SHE HAD SEEN TOO

MUCH.

PLEASE, JUST PUT YOUR TOP DOWN.

LOOK, I KNOW THAT'S YOU, CAMMIE.

>> [BLEEP] VAN IS NOT WHAT YOU

THINK IT IS.

I WAS IN 20 VIDEOS, AND ALL OF A

SUDDEN, THEY FIRED ME, AND I

LOST MY HEALTH INSURANCE.

>> LaFonda: THEY GIVE YOU

HEALTHCARE?

>> AND DENTAL.

FULL PREMIUM PACKAGE.

FULLY HEATED.

>> LaFonda: THAT DOESN'T MAKE

ANY SENSE.

>> IT WILL WHEN YOU READ THIS.

>> LaFonda: THAT FOLDER

CONTAINED A PANDORA'S BOX OF

SHOCKING REVELATIONS.

THESE DOCUMENTS TOLD THE UNTOLD

STORY THAT SOME VERY POWERFUL

CORPORATE INTERESTS DID NOT WANT

TO BE TOLD.

ACCORDING TO ONE AMERICAN AUTO

INTERNAL MEMO [BLEEP] VAN WAS

NOT THE WORK OF TWO ENTERPRISING

COLLEGE STUDENTS, BUT LIKE THE

BONNAROO MUSIC FESTIVAL, SPRANG

FROM A POLISHED CORPORATE

BOARDROOM.

>> YES, WE ARE COMPLETELY BEHIND

[BLEEP] VAN.

>> LaFonda: SO, YOU DON'T DENY

THIS?

>> NO. NO.

WE'RE VERY PROUD OF IT.

IT WAS BRILLIANT ADVERTISING.

WE GAVE THOSE TWO KIDS A VAN.

>> LaFonda: AND YOU SENT THEM

OUT ON THE STREET TO MAKE VIDEOS

OF THEMSELF HAVING SEX WITH

GIRLS THEY JUST PICKED UP, HUH?

>> NO, ACTUALLY, WE TOLD THEM TO

HAVE SEX WITH THEIR GIRLFRIENDS,

THEN MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THEY

PICKED THEM UP ON THE STREET,

AND THEN WE CREATED A WEBSITE

FOR THEM, AND THE VIDEOS JUST

WENT OFF THE CHARTS.

EVEN MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN ANY OF

THE ALTERNATIVE MUSIC FESTIVALS

WE'VE CREATED.

>> LaFonda: EVEN COACHELLA?

>> YEAH.

THEN WE LAUNCHED THE BENCHMARK L

COMMERCIALS AND --

>> LaFonda: TO COINCIDE WITH THE

SUCCESS OF THE [BLEEP] VAN

WEBSITE.

>> YEAH, THE VAN SALES WENT

THROUGH THE ROOF.

>> LaFonda: SO, YOU'RE NOT ONLY

AN AUTO MANUFACTURER, YOU'RE A

PORN PRODUCER.

>> I WOULDN'T CALL IT PORN.

>> LaFonda: WHAT WOULD YOU CALL

IT?

>> UM...

SEXY VAN...STORIES.

>> LaFonda: PORNOGRAPHY. N-NO?

>> STORIES.

>> LaFonda: STORIES.

>> HUMAN INTEREST.

>> WE HAD STUDENT LOANS.

>> AMERICAN AUTO GAVE US THE

VANS, THE SCRIPTS.

>> LaFonda: WHAT? THEY GAVE YOU

"HELLA BANGIN'"?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> MAN, LISTEN TO YOURSELF.

NO ONE SAYS THAT.

>> AMERICAN AUTO TOTALLY CAME UP

WITH "HELLA BANGIN'."

>> LaFonda: AND YOU, CAMMIE, I

MEAN, WHY ARE YOU BLOWING THE

WHISTLE WHEN YOU WERE IN ON THIS

WHOLE THING?

>> ETHAN AND I BROKE UP AND THE

CAR COMPANY WOULDN'T LET US HAVE

SEX ON CAMERA UNLESS WE WERE

TOGETHER.

>> AMERICAN AUTOMOTIVE IS A REAL

CONSERVATIVE COMPANY.

>> LaFonda: BRO, I MEAN, I

PERSONALLY WATCHED VIDEOS OF YOU

HAVING SEX WITH OVER TWO DOZEN

WOMEN.

>> MM. YEAH.

I'M A TOTAL SERIAL DATER.

>> TOTALLY DEFINES HIMSELF BY

WHO HE'S DATING.

>> LaFonda: THAT IS THE WUSSIEST

THING I'VE EVER HEARD OF.

>> I HAVE A POET'S HEART.

>> LaFonda: DUDE, LIKE, WHAT --

WHAT HAPPENED TO US?

>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

>> LaFonda: YOU KNOW, DOWNING

BREWS AND, LIKE, HANGIN',

BANGIN'.

>> BANGING WHAT?

>> LaFonda: LIKE, YOU KNOW,

BANGIN' -- HELLA BANGIN' --

>> WE TOLD YOU NO ONE SAYS THAT,

MAN.

>> LaFonda: YOU DECEIVED THE

AMERICAN PUBLIC, AND YOU

ENCOURAGED YOUNG GIRLS TO THINK

THAT IT'S OKAY TO HAVE SEX WITH

STRANGERS IN MOVING VANS.

>> WE ARE AN AUTO MANUFACTURER.

>> LaFonda: MM-HMM.

>> WE HAVE DONE WAY WORSE THINGS

THAN THIS.

>> LaFonda: SUCH AS?

>> THE ANNUAL CALIFORNIA

WILDFIRES, PERIODIC E. COLI

BREAKOUTS IN FRESH PRODUCE,

BURNING MAN, THE EXXON VALDEZ,

CAT VOMIT, HEPATITIS "B," BUT

NOT "C," UH...

THE ZODIAC KILLER.

>> LaFonda: THAT WAS YOU GUYS?

>> NO, BUT ONLY BECAUSE WE

DIDN'T THINK OF IT.

>> LaFonda: I MEAN, YOU'RE KIND

OF AN EVIL PERSON.

>> DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER

QUESTIONS FOR ME?

>> LaFonda: FINALLY TONIGHT, A

FEW THOUGHTS FROM SKIP REMING.

>> MY GRANDCHILDREN, RIDER AND

MADISON -- YES, THOSE ARE THE

NAMES THEIR PARENTS ACTUALLY

CHOSE TO GIVE THEM -- ALWAYS ASK

ME WHY THINGS USED TO BE SO MUCH

BETTER IN THE OLDEN DAYS.

MY ANSWER'S ALWAYS THE SAME.

FIRST OF ALL, WHEN KIDS USED TO

ASK QUESTIONS, THEY DID IT

LOOKING YOU IN THE EYE, WEARING

A SHIRT WITH A COLLAR AND SHOES

WITH LEATHER SOLES.

AND THEN I TELL THEM THINGS WERE

BETTER BECAUSE CIGARETTES TASTED

LIKE BURNING FLESH.

A MAN WAS A MAN.

IT WAS ILLEGAL FOR DOCTORS TO

TURN A PENIS INTO A VAGINA.

YOU COULD LEASE A NEW HORSE

EVERY YEAR, TURKEY SANDWICHES

WERE A QUARTER, AND PROSTITUTES

WERE TWO TURKEY SANDWICHES.

BUT THESE KIDS AREN'T LISTENING,

NOT EVEN LOOKING AT ME.

THEY'RE OFF IN A CORNER, PLAYING

A NINJA VIDEO GAME IN THEIR

[BLEEP] RUBBER-SOLED SHOES THAT

LIGHT UP WHEN THEY WALK.

>> LaFonda: COMING UP NEXT WEEK,

WITH SUMMER VACATIONS JUST

AROUND THE CORNER, WE HAVE A

STORY THAT MAY MAKE YOU THINK

TWICE WHEN PLANNING THAT

VIETNAMESE SEX-TOURISM

ADVENTURE.

>> THEIR BROCHURES PROMISED

EXQUISITE SEX WORKERS.

AND I FLEW ALL THE WAY OVER

THERE, WENT TO LIKE 12 DIFFERENT

BROTHELS, AND NONE OF THE GIRLS

WOULD HAVE SEX WITH ME.

>> LaFonda: IF YOU WOULD LIKE A

TRANSCRIPT OF TONIGHT'S PROGRAM,

USE BOTH YOUR DVR AND A

COMPUTER, AND YOU CAN PROBABLY

KNOCK IT OUT IN A COUPLE OF

HOURS.

I'M LOUIS LaFONDA.

GOOD NIGHT.