Original subtitles

[pages riffling]

[choir vocalizing]

Hey, Melter. It's your best friend, MODOK, back again.

How ya doin', buddy?

Let's see, what happened since the last time I was here.

Oh! I saw a fat squirrel.

And also a timetraveling version of me kidnapped me and my family

and tried to force us all to kill each other at Murderworld.

Oh, and we've got two Lous now.

They've both agreed to split the same amount of food as one Lou

so our grocery budget is unchanged.

Anyway the family's great. Mine, not yours.

Your family's really struggling

to respect my personal space!

Please, it's my anniversary. I just want to visit my husband.

I won the footrace through the cemetery!

Well, you didn't need to push my son into an open grave.

I very much needed to. He was going to win.

Anyway, things with my family are on the upswing,

but my dreams of taking over the world have never felt further away.

Ever since I signed that contract, I've lost all my power at AIM.

[Melter's widow sobbing] I'm a mailman at my own company and

Are you trying to be the loudest criers of all time?

Go take a lap. [sobbing continues]

Oh, Melty, I don't know what to do.

Give me a sign. MAN: Time to turn over a new leaf.

Yup, that's what I call rakin'.

Turning over new leaves.

Hmm. No sign there.

MAN 2: Let's start a new chapter!

Just then, the boy wizard screamed into the fiery goblet,

"It's time for a life change."

What a weird way to start a chapter.

GIRL: What you're doing isn't working.

Try something different. Okay.

Are you close? No. Switch it up!

Come at it from a new angle!

Ugh, I can't hear myself think

over this very busy graveyard!

Well, thanks for nothing, Melter.

I knew you wouldn't be any help.

Wait. "Knew!" That's it!

Try something new!

♪ dramatic theme playing ♪

♪

[door opens] GARY: Oh god!

I can't find the mail cart. MODOK's gonna kill me!

He only gave me two jobs to do, mine and his!

Phil, have you seen the mail cart? It's Tom.

Phil's been missing for two weeks. Everyone's pretty worried about him

GARY: So what! He's probably dead!

The mail cart's only been missing for five minutes!

There's still a chance to save it. [body thuds, clattering]

[wheels squeaking]

The squeak of the mail cart. Oh, it's haunting me!

My own telltale cart!

Hey, Gary. Just need to scooch on by.

GARY: Oh no. He found it first.

Please don't punish me again.

I don't want to eat so much spaghetti I have to go to the hospital.

Punish? What are you talking about, Gary?

I'm just doin' my job.

[wheels squeaking]

GARY: So is this like a secret plan?

Are we gonna get back at Monica? Overthrow GRUMBL?

[gasps] What's in the cart?

It's mail, Gary. I'm a mailman.

You're not a mailman! Indeed not.

I am a mail person because women carry things too.

Often they carry much more.

GARY: What is happening?!

Gary, you need to relax. You need Relax Magazine.

DORIS: That's mine! And I need it!

Whew! Now that's a lake.

Not a single goddamn wave.

Enjoy your day, Doris.

[whistling upbeat tune]

Out of the way, you human stain!

Oh, Monica, a package for you.

Hyah!

What was that? A bomb? Some kind of poison?

Well, your little plan failed.

I think it's your BlueApron.

I can't believe you roundhouse kicked it into the air!

That was like six meals!

Why are you delivering mail?

Is this some sort of revenge thing to get back at me

for replacing you as Scientist Supreme?

GARY: That was my guess too.

Hey, boss! Package for ya!

[rattling] Sounds like slacks.

[rattling] Sounds like Nantucket Red.

That's gonna look really nice on your body!

Uh, thank you.

Aren't you gonna call me a shitbag or something?

No. Do you want me to?

[drawn out] No?

Then back to mail!

Because these good, hardworking people need their

edible underwear.

CARL: That's mine! Slide 'em on me!

You've got it, Carl! CARL: [giggling] Careful!

Wow.

When did MODOK become the perfect employee?

[notification chimes]

Ohhh! Gotta go.

♪ foreboding music plays ♪

[elevator dings]

[growls]

I never know whether to go first or

We! Go!

First!

Now you.

Things are going great with the production of the GRUMBL GRome.

By Christmas, everyone on Earth should have

this smart hub speaker in their house.

Liar! We know you've had setbacks!

The Board sees all!

Sure, but we're still on track for December and

New plan. We're stepping up the release date.

To Tuesday.

But that's months earlier than we planned!

Silence! We hunger.

For we are Hexus The Living Corporation!

We move from planet to planet.

BOARD MEMBER 3: Enslaving the populations.

BOARD MEMBER 1: Devouring their resources.

BOARD MEMBER 2: And now we've targeted your Earth.

[thudding]

First we acquired GRUMBL to gain trust,

then AIM to gain tech,

then AIM, the instant messenger.

To cyber with hot babes.

And now we will release the GRUMBL GRome

which will emit a mindcontrol frequency,

subduing humanity and paving the way for our invasion.

Yeah, I know. I know the plan, but this timetable is

Are you having second thoughts, Austin?

About selling out all of humanity? Not this man of his word.

[dog barks] THE BOARD: The bag.

[barking continues]

Oh that? That's just Daddy's doodle, Sherlock.

It looked at me!

We've gotten really close since I rescued him.

I was hoping I could have him as a companion

so I'm not so sad and alone.

Denied! Labradoodles will be the first to fall.

Get back to work on the GRome.

Right. Sorry I even asked.

Okay, listen to me. The Board...

[whirring]

sees all

and is very excited about moving up the release date.

Yay!

[wheels squeaking]

Sorry to interrupt. Just had a tiny bit more mail to deliver.

Ooh, some Valpaks.

Extra thick today, I'd say.

Okay, Monica, as our Scientist Supreme

Congrats on that.

Do you think we can get this glitch fixed

or do we have to delay the GRome launch?

No, I fixed it. Oh. You did?

Howdy, GRome. What's the temperature in Helsinki?

GROME: The current temperature in Helsinki

[electricity crackles] [screaming]

It's still killing people!

Two people! Down from 10!

That's not bad considering how swamped I am with all this other bullshit work.

The JiggleOs have grown sex organs and are reproducing at alarming rates

and in an alarming number of positions.

Two deaths, while impressive, is not good enough.

We're gonna have to delay the launch.

I'm really disappointed.

[Sherlock barks, pants]

Eexcuse me, I have something to say

Is this about the Valpaks? Just throw 'em in the trash!

I think I can fix the glitch

if we hack the redundant AAC array

and index the 1080k SQL feed.

Monica?

That... could work.

Well, then I guess [camera whirring]

the accelerated launch... [camera whirring]

[clicking] is a go.

MODOK, I am assigning the GRome to you.

I shan't let you down.

No! Don't you see? He wants to be the Scientist Supreme again!

Oh, Monica, this'll free you up to cockblock the Jigglefolk.

You know, fry off their little penises with a laser or whatever you want.

I'm not here to micromanage. Laser or you're fired.

[whistling upbeat tune]

GARY: MODOK's locket? He only takes this off when he's showering,

which he never does.

There's my Garbear.

Come on. Gotta hit the road.

First day of bison huntin' season.

Big Mike. II Uhuh, not today.

Look. It's MODOK's locket.

It's beautiful. Get in the truck.

You don't understand. This is the future.

A world not of false promises but hard facts.

Where science is king.

What about our lockets?

Mine with a picture of you.

And yours with a picture of

That ain't me. What is that?

GARY: It's a picture of MODOK's locket.

Hooee!

Why don't you just throw me in a swimmin' hole

full of water moccasins?

I've never seen him like this, Big Mike.

He's losing faith in his dream.

Ever since he sold the company and signed that contract.

Ever since Austi Austin!

Austin's the cause of all of this! MODOK needs me.

That ungrateful sumabitch always needs you.

GARY: It's too important.

What he's fighting for. What we're fighting for.

And if you don't get that,

maybe you don't get me either.

Everyone said, "Big Mike, be careful.

Watch out for this one."

Now I done get it.

[door slides open, closed]

♪

[Sherlock yaps]

[glass shatters] Austin.

I wonder what's in his locket.

[Sherlock panting]

I failed you, dawg. [barks]

I can't save you, and I can't live without you.

So I say we leave this world together.

By eating these cyanide pills dipped in delicious organic cashew butter.

[barks] No! Cashew butter death ball!

[whimpers] [Austin sighs]

Okay. Plan B.

You get the humane death,

and I'll shiv myself to death with this house key.

Ow. Ow.

My abs are just too rock hard.

[door slides open] Hey, Mr. Austin.

Just taking a quick statemandated lunch break.

Ohh, I wish I could work for you nonstop!

I think I have a new plan, Sherlock.

I call it Plan M.

[Sherlock whines] [gasps]

[Sherlock barks] Sherlock!

[blows]

Hmm, microwave oatmeal.

MONICA: [thinking] Look at that asshole.

He's clearly planning my demise.

I will not rest until I find out what MODOK's up to.

So hot!

AUSTIN: [thinking] I have to stop MODOK

from repairing the GRome.

If he fixes it, the world ends.

Well, it's probably ready now.

GARY: [thinking] Austin is killing MODOK's spirit,

so I must kill Austin's body.

Aah! Ow! So hot!

What the hell? I only put it in for 10 minutes!

MONICA/AUSTIN/GARY: [all thinking] It all comes down to MODOK.

Well, it's gotta be cool by now.

Ohh! Still so hot!

♪

Hey, Monica.

Carmilla? I told you a million times, call me Mom.

Or when I'm hiding from MODOK in my dead manatee,

Momatee.

And why are you hiding from MODOK?

He's planning something! He's coming for me!

You should have seen the way he was eating oatmeal!

He's unhinged! [pants]

So... how was the Teen Zone, honey?

The same as it was four days ago,

when you were supposed to pick me up.

[cackles]

That wit. Oh, just like your father.

You are my father.

You cloned a male version of yourself to inseminate you.

Hey, baby girl! Can you do Daddy a favor?

Grab that ax over there and kill me!

Ignore that deadbeat.

Now come here and give your creator a hug!

[sighs] You just spinal tapped me, didn't you?

I have to make sure you're not him in disguise.

Did I tell you he's after me? Did I tell you about the oatmeal?

Ever since you became Scientist Supreme, it seems like you do less science.

I do plenty of science around here.

[gasps] You're trying to undermine my confidence.

You've just given yourself away, MODOK!

Battle Orbs, kill!

BATTLE ORB: Time to fly, time to die!

MACHINE: [dings] Result: not MODOK.

I knew it was you.

And I love you.

BATTLE ORB: What the frig is this? Are we blastin' or are we blastin'?

Scram, ya Battle Orbs.

Aww, I just love when my little angel visits me at work.

Your your sweet, sweet face, so beautiful.

You're such a, um... a 10.

You just injected me with Pym Particles, didn't you.

I think that MODOK might be inside me.

So go ahead and take a look around and do a murder if he is.

Whatever gets me out of this conversation.

Watch and learn, Manica.

This is how you raise a daughter.

[sniffs deeply] Ho ho ho, that's the shit.

GARY: MODOK. MODOK needs me.

Must kill Austin for MODOK.

Chanted my obsession while working out. Check.

Read Catcher in the Rye and highlighted the funny parts. Check.

What's left? Oh, make poison dart.

Wakey, wakey, Mr. Snakey.

[hisses] If he wants to live,

Austin has to make like a mid'70s muscle car

and Dodge Dart.

Ugh, Gary, why don't you ever say cool stuff like that in front of MODOK?

[gadget beeping]

[whirring]

[watch beeps]

COMPUTER: Om! Oh, Peaceful Pause time.

How about you and I take a thoughtful walk?

I know a great deserted back alley 67 blocks from here.

What do you say? I'm in.

Ah! For tomorrow.

Today I need to finish the GRome.

You're working so hard.

I'm worried about your vitamin D.

Let's get some sunshine.

Away from all these sunblocking cameras.

I guess I could take a couple of minutes

Oh, I can't. I forgot my walking jacket.

You can use mine! That's perfect.

But I once borrowed a jacket at a country club

and got scabies from a very rich man.

So now I have a strict no jacket borrowing

Please go outside with me. I'm begging you.

I've never been outside with you, and I've never asked you

to go outside with me but I need it today,

and it's so nice outside.

I've seen you go outside with other people,

but the one day I need you to go outside with me,

all you wanna do is not go outside.

And I'm begging you. Please!

I can't say no to that.

Howdy, GRome, can you say no to that

and then set a meeting for us after the launch.

GROME: Updating calendar.

[electricity crackles] My face! My face!

It didn't kill anyone!

Just a simple maiming. Progress!

No, please! We have to talk!

[whirring]

[clicking] [notification chimes]

Those cameras are really loud. I should probably fix that.

Just call me the workobsessed beaver, neverstopping, neverceasing beaver,

chomping at this and that.

That's the expression.

[sighs]

[elevator dings]

Austin. We need to talk.

Right now.

III can explain.

We got new outfits.

Be honest. Which one of us looks the best?

You all look the same.

Aren't you like... one thing?

BOARD MEMBER 1: One hivemind,

but each tendril has a distinct personality.

I like pretty faces.

I like ugly faces.

And I'm an ass man.

Well, you guys look amazing.

GARY: [blows] Hmm. AUSTIN: And very different to me.

I've gotta get back to work

Also, we've had a change of heart about your dog.

He shall not die in the invasion.

Wow. Thank you so much.

We want him dead now!

His unconditional love is too much of a distraction.

BOARD MEMBER 2: You will shred him and serve us his meat.

[Sherlock barking] No, Sherlock! This is bad!

I want to eat your dog plain.

I want to eat your dog Baja style.

See how different we all are?

Now that I heard his order, change mine to Baja style.

Me too. Make it three Baja style.

Ah, it's up to you, snake.

[hisses]

Well, I guess that snake is hisstory.

And MODOK misses another gem.

[muffled shouting]

Monica's gotta have something in here that'll help me warn MODOK.

[keypad beeps]

♪

That's a... problem for tomorrow.

[muffled screaming] Ah.

Oh!

MONICA: You screamed the whole way here.

You really embarrassed me. GARY: I'm scared of bags!

MODOK. Tell me everything

Oh, my name's Gary! About MODOK, you moron.

Oh, my favorite topic. I know everything about MODOK.

What is he up to? Oh, I don't know that.

[electricity crackling] [Austin screams]

What was that? GARY: Wasn't me.

My screams sound like "Yeoww!"

[gasps] MODOK! Battle Orbs!

Is this another false alarm? We want guaranteed action.

This is not the time to negotiate. I need you right now!

Oh, then I'd say that makes this the perfect time to negotiate.

How about I guarantee you can kill this guy no matter what?

The guy who just chewed off his own hand?

[rumbling, steam hissing]

It's MODOK! He's hiding in my fusion chamber!

Attack! This is a guaranteed kill!

ORB: Here we go, boys!

[Austin screams, Sherlock barks]

Battle Orbs, stand down!

Oh, you've gotta be kiddin'!

[growling, barking]

[panting]

Austin?

[groans, barks]

Dear god, I let myself get distracted!

MODOK's gone!

He's out there doing something, I know it!

I need to find him!

Where in the world is MODOK?

[voice echoing]

JARVIS: Sir, Avengers Tower is under attack.

IRON MAN: On my way.

[people screaming]

Alright, let's do this quick.

I got three minutes before my Crest White Strips come off.

[grunting]

MODOK: Iron Man.

Can we talk?

[rapid deep breaths]

[gasps] MODOK.

Ma'am, here's a draft of the press release for the GRome launch.

EXEC 1: Monica, a bunch of JiggleO babies commandeered an Amtrak train this morning.

What's the Aah!

DORIS: Hey, is that an invisible battle suit?

No!

We need to start this meeting. Where's Austin?

[grunting]

[barks, pants]

DORIS: Oh great. Let's begin. Item One.

[elevator rumbling]

Oh god, he's here.

[panting]

Hey, everyone. Or should I say,

Howdy, GRome.

[all gasp] EXEC 2: Oh no!

GROME: Hello, Madok.

Don't you mean "MODOK," GRome?

GROME: I don't understand.

DORIS: It talked without killing. We can sell it!

That's right! I fixed it! [applause]

[whimpering, barking]

BOARD MEMBER 1: Clap.

BOARD MEMBER 2: Clap. BOARD MEMBER 3: Clap.

THE BOARD: The board is pleased.

The Board's here!

That's great because I have even more good news.

I've secured a brand ambassador for the GRome launch.

My exwife's exboyfriend, Wonder Man!

The Hunchback Quarterback himself!

THE BOARD: We love it!

I haven't even gotten to the best part!

Tell us! Tell us!

You have to tell us!

I sold AIM! [applause]

BOARD MEMBER 1: Clap. BOARD MEMBER 2: Clap.

Wait, what?

[blabbers, barks]

DORIS: Yeah, I have the same question as Austin:

what do you mean you sold AIM?

I sold my shares.

Now, allow me to introduce the new owner of AIM.

[knocking on window] Let me in.

MODOK: They don't open. What? I can't hear you.

[yelling] They don't open!

[yelling] What? The windows don't open! You have

You have to go around! What? Hold on!

I'm, I'm just gonna go around!!

Well, that was less dramatic than I was hoping for.

I heard that. As I was saying.

I sold a controlling stake of AIM to Iron Man.

THE BOARD: You don't have enough shares.

True. My shares alone aren't enough.

But Iron Man will have a controlling stake of AIM

when he buys all the shares held by... Monica.

What?

I want you to sell all your shares to Iron Man.

Why would I ever do that?

Nice invisisuit, by the way.

I'm selling my shares to Iron Man.

[all gasp] THE BOARD: What?

And like that,

AIM is yours. Cool.

Let's get down to business. First order of business.

AIM is no longer in the worldtakingover business.

Why am I saying business so much? That's none of your... concern!

Who did I get? Come on, admit it! I got that guy!

I know I got that guy.

The GRome! Yes, the GRome!

But what of the GRome?

Oh yeah, I'll release it.

MODOK showed it to me. It's gonna make me a

Pffff! GRome, what comes after octillion?

You have to say "Howdy GRome."

Well, that's humiliating. And I won't say it.

And I know the answer anyways: it's nonillion.

I'm about to become a nonillionaire.

Oh right, and before I forget. Uh, MODOK? Monica?

You're fired. [thrusters whooshing]

And that's how you get out of a contract.

[babbling, barking]

Word of advice, leave the science to the scientists.

[groaning]

[pants] [barks]

MODOK: I used dashes instead of periods.

My lawyers say it's dubious, so we might want to pitch on that.

I spent all this time fighting to get AIM back,

I forgot what AIM really is.

It's not some stupid building.

AIM is MODOK and Monica.

Monica and MODOK is AIM.

Time to get back to doing what we do best.

Science for science's sake.

And with you as Scientist Supreme, we'll soon take over the world.

Wait. If I'm Scientist Supreme, what's your title?

[Monica laughs]

You tiresome piece of shit. [door slides open]

MODOK! Wait! You can't let them release the GRome!

The Board is [tires squealing]

MODOK: Oh shit!

GARY: I did it! I saved you!

Jesus, Gary. You killed Austin!

You're a sick, twisted psycho and you're obsessed with me.

Which makes you a perfect fit for my new company!

Great! Can I have the weekend to fix things with my husband?

No! We start tomorrow!

Also I probably won't be in the office for at least a month.

MODOK: Put the dowels in first.

The dowels don't do anything.

It's the screws that hold the weight.

Manual says dowels first.

[grunts] [plank clatters]

She did it again. Bring in another one.

[bell jingles]

GARY: Big Mike! Bison burgers.

Fresh off the hunt. [eating noisily]

Yech! You better be worth him.

And you better make more of these,

'ca'cause they're good.

Hey, something's been bothering me.

I know you had to get out of that contract.

But, of all people, why sell it to your mortal enemy?

'Cause this.

Howdy, GRome, who's better looking,

Wonder Man or Iron Man?

GROME: Thor. [audience laughs, applauds]

Oh, this is awful.

Just wait. [remote beeps]

[bird screeching] Did you hear that? It sounds like

Oh god! IRON MAN: What's going on?

Oh god! Oh god! [snake hisses]

It took me just two minutes to fix the GRome

but two days to calibrate a single wavelength

that drives all animals bonkers.

[horse neighs] There's something in my suit!

Shoot the squirrels! They're friends to the homeless!

[screaming]

[glass shatters]

Ha ha! Nice work, Scientist Supremer.

Today, Stark. Tomorrow, the world.

BOARD MEMBER 1: Alright, Janice.

BOARD MEMBER 2: The job interview is almost over.

BOARD MEMBER 3: But first,

tough question time.

BOARD MEMBER 1: What is your biggest weakness?

BOARD MEMBER 2: You must reveal it!

Um... I work too hard, I guess.

Maybe I care too hard?

Those are good things! Those are your weaknesses?

You have to be our new CEO! Do you accept, Janice?

I guess. Excellent!

The invasion is still on.

And now with Janice by our side.

Hexus shall stop at nothing.

THE BOARD: To destroy MODOK.

♪ dramatic theme playing ♪

♪

♪ choir vocalizing ♪

♪