Original subtitles

Don't anyone leave this theater!

The royal Romanoff Diamonds are missing!

I am Sam Grunion, Private Eye, at your service.

Secrecy is my motto; I never tell.

You will notice even my business card has nothing on it.

I am the same Sam Grunion who solved

the international uranium mining swindle.

Scotland Yard was baffled, the FBI was baffled,

They sent for me and the case was solved immediately.

I confessed.

The Romanoff diamonds still missing are valued at one million dollars.

For eleven years I've trailed them.

Through the Khyber Pass, over the Pyrenees.

Round the Cape of Good Hope and into Gimbels basement.

From Gimbels basement the trail lead me to a group

of struggling young actors trying to put on a show.

Did diamonds bring them luck? Money? Hardly.

Once again this repeated the same pattern.

A story of danger, cruelty, black violence, mystery, murder!

By the way, what do you suppose the story was called?

Love Happy!

That's Mike Johnson.

Interesting dance, isn't it?

He learned it fighting off bill collectors.

That's Maggie Philips, she's in love with Mike.

She's a dancer too. But it's hard to tell when she's sitting down.

This is Maggie's best friend, Bunny Dolan.

She invested her last 300 dollars in the show.

It looks like a cold winter ahead,

so she's knitting herself an electric blanket.

These love-happy kids who were struggling

for success had two things in common.

They were under-financed, and under-nourished.

Today they had already missed breakfast

and their hopes for lunch are pinned on one man.

Harpo, the strolling delicatessen.

Here he is... shopping.

Looks like a classy store, doesn't it?

Well, on the front they specialize in hot delicacies.

But in the back they specialize in hot diamonds.

Bless you, my man, bless you.

Thank you very much.

Quiet, little darling.

Madame Egelichi, you are just in time. The sardines have arrived.

Relax,

and wipe that smirk off your face. There are policemen around.

Yes, ma'am.

- We shall wait in your office. - Yes, ma'am.

Thank you.

That's alright, just leave them there.

- Will you sign here. - Thank you, boys, thank you.

At last. At last.

You little darling, you're here.

- Is the paraffin jelly in yet? - Arriving Wednesday, on the Queen Mary.

- I have it. I have it! - Quiet, Lefty.

It's in the third crate marked on the bottom...

I said, quiet!

I want to enjoy this moment.

I have gone through a great deal.

How many commissars did I marry, Alphonse?

Five, Madame Egelichi.

There were three more, were there not?

Yes, the Grand Duke and the two Ambassadors.

Eight weddings in three months...

before I could track down the royal Romanoff necklace...

and its trail from bridegroom to bridegroom.

And no more, the jewels are finally in my possession.

If you please, Lefty.

The Royal Romanoff necklace!

One million dollars in matchless diamonds!

I have out-done even myself.

There is something wrong, Lefty.

Wrong? Oh no, impossible.

This is not the right can!

I beg to differ Madame, it is the right one.

Where is the can with the Maltese cross on it?

You've got it, your holding it!

This can has no Maltese cross on the top or on the bottom of it.

It can't be!

The Maltese cross was on it. I saw it, I kissed it! It must have rubbed off.

It was put on with special adhesive paint.

A generation of rubbing could not have removed it.

Mr. Throckmorton? May I present the Zoto brothers.

Their specialty is taking care of people I do not like!

Oh, no, no, let me open it Madame. The diamonds are in here.

Those hardly look like the Royal Romanoff diamonds, Lefty!

You may proceed, gentlemen.

Eight marriages, wasted. The other leg, Hannibal.

I'm afraid you have to stop. I cannot concentrate.

You're wasting your time gentlemen.

Mr. Throckmorton is too feeble a character to try to deceive me.

Revive him.

I can't understand it. I can't understand.

- I can't understand it. - Quiet!

Who was present when you found the tin with the Maltese cross?

Oh no one, not a sole. The door was locked. I put it in my pocket I...

Wait! Yes, there was someone. Strange looking creature.

Looked more like a tramp than a truck man.

You will call the police.

Inform them,

that the bushy haired shoplifter has been at work at Hurberts And Hurberts.

Give them a full description.

Offer a reward of $1,000 for his capture.

Have all the suspects brought to my apartment, one at a time.

Police head quarters, please.

Hey kids, take five minutes.

- Excuse a-me, you Mike Johnson? - What do you want?

- I'm look-a for a job. - Wrong number, I'm all cast.

Hey just a minu.

You're missing a big bet.

Somebody told me you're putting on a show with unknowns.

You're hiring a-peoples has never been a-heard of.

Well I'm the most unknown and unheard of actors whos-a never been on Broadway.

- What's your name? - Faustino the Great.

- You've never heard of me? Huh? - No.

What did I tell you?

- What are you unknown for? - I no like-a to bragg...

...but the thing I'm-a most unknown for is mind reading.

I give you an demonstration..

You're thinking of something...

Right so far.

You think of a nice, juicy steak with-a french-a fried potatoes.

The exit is over there.

All right, you do not want a mind reader?

What else do you want, maybe a you need a juggler?

No juggler!

How 'bout an usher? I bring-a my own flash light.

- Hello, Lyons. -Mr. Lyons, so glad to see you.

- You're looking wonderful. - Yeah, you sure are.

Mr. Yorkman was supposed to be here at ten o'clock. It's 11:30.

Don't worry partner, he'll show.

Don't tell me to don't worry, and please don't call me partner.

I'm removing all my costumes and scenery, as of now.

The man's mad! Pulling out of the biggest Broadway smash since "Showboat".

Don't tell about smashes.

Mr. Yorkman who's going to be here don't write-a show, check?

- I told you exactly what he told me. - Well, he ain't here, check?

OK, now we come to the next step.

The situation is either Mr. Yorkman or $1,100...

...or I move the stuff off the stage. As of now.

- Hey, wait a minute. - Excuse me, are you Mr. Lyons?

- That's right. - It's-a lucky I meet you!

You know I was just talking to Max Yorkman in his office.

Are you a friend of Mr. Yorkman?

Friend? Max and I are just like-a that! Two heads on the same neck!

Well, I'm glad to meet you.

You know Max said to me, "Faustino you want a job"?

Go over see Mike Johnson. I'm backing that show, he'll give you a job.

- That's what he said, Mr. Johnson. - That's good enough for me.

He's backing the show you said?

Use-a you common sense. Would I be here if he wasn't?

I've been trying to get Mr. Yorkman on the phone to find out.

Ah, you don't have to bother with-a the Max no more. Just talk-a to me.

Ok. Maybe I was a little hasty about removing the stuff.

Ah, it's only natural.

You can't trust a-nobody in a-show business.

Maybe he really knows Mr. Yorkman?

It's a buggy ride. This whole show is a buggy ride.

- Am-a I hired? Huh? - Yes sir!

That's a-fine! Thanks! How much-a you pay me?

That kind of talk's gonna get you nowhere.

- Nobody in this show gets paid. - Not till we open and click.

Ah, that's alright. I just was-a thinking out loud. I'm-a no ham.

Ham. Ham!

Something has happened. It's lunch time and he isn't here!

- Who isn't here? - Harpo.

Hey, Jim! Have you seen any funny faced tramps, with bushy hair?

Yeah, there a $1,000 reward.

Harpo! Everybody's been waiting. You're late with the food.

Now we eat.

Hello Harpo! You got-a something for me?

You want I should read your mind again? Alright-a, start thinking.

You think of the same thing you though about a-yesterday. And-a the day before.

That's the only thought-a you've got. Huh?

You're in love.

A beautiful girl is-a gonna smile at you.

That's-a the only thing-a you want, this beautiful girl should smile at you.

Alright, stop thinking now. What you got for me?

I no wanna sardines. You promised me something special.

Ice cream. Tootsie-fruitsie ice cream.

A royal feast! My Robin Hood has struck again.

I'll have these tomorrow.

Bunny Dolan, next number.

Rehearsal!

Gather 'round me my children.

Lift up your curly blond heads.

'Cause Mommy's got something to ask you.

Before you crawl into your nice warm beds.

Momma want's to know, who stole that jam?

Who's been in here nice clean kitchen? Who stole that jam?

Was it little Tom, or Sue, or Mable?

Who snuck it off the table? Even ate the label.

Momma want's to know, who made this mess?

Momma's gonna kick some teeth in if you don't confess.

Momma wasn't lookin', while that stuff was tooken'.

Know you had better scram. Who stole that jam?

Momma's not the type that get's excited.

She's lugged those groceries home with out a squawk.

But Momma's gotta find that guilty party.

One of you kids has to talk!

Momma want's to know who stole that jam.

Who's been ripe with all those goodies and her leg of lamb?

Seems to me your acting kinda flustered.

Bet you ate that custard, and topped it off with mustard.

Momma want's to know, she don't wanta' guess.

Momma's gonna kick some teeth in if you don't confess.

You're that little fella which sucked it off the shella

I don't want that lollipop.

Momma's gonna blow her top.

You stole that jaaaammmmm.

No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Thank you for your work officer, but this creature is not the man. Good day.

- Yes sir. - Better luck next time.

The wrong one again. We'll have to increase the award.

Answer it.

Oh, if I ever lay my hands on that thief,

I promise you he'll regret he was ever born.

I picked him up on me beet,

thought you might want to have a look at him and see if he's your man.

Bushy hair and funny face the sergeant told me.

Yes, yes. Excuse me officer. Hang on to him I'll be back in a minute.

- That's the one. - Are you certain?

Absolutely, he's our man, I tell you. What do we do?

So nice of you to take this trouble, officer.

No trouble at all, ma'am.

Is this the fellow you're looking for?

No he's not, but there is a superficial resemblance, nothing more.

OK, beat it!

No, just a second. Don't send him away like that.

The poor man looks miserable, and lost, and without a friend.

And he looks so intelligent. I would like to do something for him.

Would you mind leaving him here, please officer?

I'd be a little careful if I were you ma'am.

You can't trust characters like these.

Oh, but he looks so utterly harmless and hungry. Please, officer.

- Okay ma'am. - Thank you.

Uh, we'll be keeping up the search.

Why you... You crummy little worthless...

Mr. Throckmorton!

I must ask you to leave.

She's giving him the whammy!

I am Madame Egelichi.

I've been looking for you for a long time.

Because I think you may have something for me.

Alphonse! Hannibal! Search him.

Alphonse, Hannibal! You will wait in the other room.

I think we'll be more comfortable alone, don't you?

I like you.

I like you very much.

I don't want you to be lonesome and miserable.

I want to ask you a few questions.

A few personal questions.

But you mustn't lie to me.

I do not like it when people lie to me.

I get offended.

Alphonse, Hannibal! This creature won't talk.

- There are ways of making him talk. - I give the orders here.

- You little devil! - Stop that!

What did you do with the sardine cans? Answer me.

Oh! Take him away.

Give him everything.

But she was doomed to failure.

For right now the sardines are on a table in Maggie's dressing room.

For three days Maggie had eaten Harpo's presents.

Smoked chicken, can turkey, tuna fish.

If only she had developed a taste for sardines the show would have been saved.

Meanwhile the cast went on with dress rehearsal.

Unaware of the troubles ahead.

Alright kids, lets get set for the Sadie Thompson number.

That was fine, Maggie. Now go change into your ballet costume.

Meanwhile Madame Egelichi, wearing the pants of the dreaded Catwoman,

was desperately trying to make Harpo talk.

First came the Hungarian rope torture.

Six hours Harpo sat in a chair smoking rope.

Then four hours on the hideous rack.

Original from the workshop of the fiendish

Ferdinand Von Krakowich of Monte Carlo.

Place your bets, place your bets!

When Harpo wouldn't talk,

Madame Egelichi decided to take things in her own hands.

That meant only one thing, her own specialty.

The insidious food and water torture.

- Has he spoke yet? - Not a word.

- The water? - Still dripping.

- Has he slept? - Not a wink.

- Eaten? - Not a bite.

Three days without breaking. It's rather unusual.

After I've finished eating bring him in, and we will give him the apple test.

You have refused to speak.

We shall keep on firing until you tell me what I want to know

about certain can of Portuguese sardines.

Fire!

Put that apple back on your head!

Nothing must happen to him.

He's the only living soul who can lead us to the sardine can.

- The gun isn't loaded, Alphonse? - No, Madame. It is empty.

There were only four bullets in it, weren't there?

That's right Madame.

Grab him, the gun is empty.

We've been fooled.

- He can speak. - I'll stop him.

No, no. Let him talk.

I'll listen in.

You! You gotta no heart! They wanna sing, they wanna dance.

But what-a you say? You say no. You say stop-a the music!

Who's you? Toscanini?

Harpo!

Some sort of code.

Mr. Lyons, stop-a the noise. Stop-a the moving. It's-a Harpo.

Where is he?

Ssssh, I'm-a reading his mind.

Clear your head. You talk-a too fast, clear your head.

That's-a better.

He's a-having a party. Everybody is hitting him with apples.

It's-a lots-a of fun, eh?

Hey, what-a you think? A beautiful woman is in-a love with him.

For sardines.

What? You don't say!

This-a beautiful woman wants to marry him!

How much-a money she's got?

Tell her to come to the Windsor Theater.

We've got-a lots of sardines here.

Lefty! They're at the Windsor Theater.

He says she's-a rich-a woman.

Well stop-a thinking. Listen-a to me, we're in a-trouble!

You bring her to the theater right away, in half an hour.

Hurry up! Quick, stop-a for nothing!

Alphonse, Hannibal!

Hey, everything is-a fine. Harpo save-a the show.

He's bringing his-a bride with lotsa money.

- I ain't falling for anymore stalls. - It's a-no stall!

It's-a love! She's-a bringing the money!

Boys! Keep moving the stuff out.

- Hey, are you a musish? - Well, I used to play.

I knew it the first-a minute I looked on you.

I say to myself, this Mr. Lyons, he's-a not-a tough like he looks.

He's-a got-a something in-a side.

Something-a comes-a from the heart. What kind of music do you like?

I like gypsy music.

Gypsy music! That's-a magnifico! I like-a gypsy music.

Hey, stop-a the moving! Stop-a the noise.

Everybody stop. Mr. Lyons, he's a-gonna play! Here.

- Uh, do you know "Play, gypsy, play"? - No, I don't know that one.

All right, do you know uh, "Gypsy Serenade"?

No.

What do you know?

- I know "Gypsy Love Song". - "Gypsy Love Song".

Yeah but I only know the chorus.

That's alright. I verse and you follow me.

All right, you play the verse and I'll noodle around.

What do you mean by "noodling"?

Like this...

That's good! You noodle on that, I macaroni on this.

Now look-a Mr. Lyons,

I know you wanna make a good impression. But-a please don't play better than me.

Are we playing the same thing?

A-ha! One too much!

That's very good. Now we try the chorus. But the chorus we play Pianissimo.

- You know what Pianissimo is? - No.

- How long you study music? - 15 years.

15. You know, two more years and you could've been a plumber.

All right, all right, never mind the Pianissimo.

I-a gonna make it-a very simple for you.

We play it Allegro Pizzicato.

That's what-a you call 'em a high class Carnegie Hall stuff.

You know Allegro Pizzicato?

- No. - You know Jimmy Pizzicato?

- No. - None of the Pizzicatos huh.

- No. - What do you know?

- Uh, I know Pistachio... - Pistachio! We play it!

2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.

Very good! Very good!

Now we play one more chorus.

Well, boys and girls. I've got a little sad news for you.

Our show isn't opening. We're closing tonight.

Without a shot at Broadway.

Mr. Lyons, a man of small faith,

is removing the scenery and costumes from the production.

Uh, Mr. Johnson,

uh may I suggest that we do what all actors have always done

since before the days of thespians and William Shakespeare.

Perform without scenery, or costumes, or salary!

Sorry, I can't go on with that kind of a show.

Curtain's down, school's out.

Better luck next time.

I'm sorry Mr. Johnson, but Mr. Lyons said to take everything.

Uh-huh.

Well, go ahead, say it.

I wasn't going to say anything.

You don't have to put it to words baby, it's sticking out of your eyes.

I'm yellow, no guts.

Not at all, Mike, you're just what you are.

And what's that?

A very nice, sweet, sensitive young man, who does not belong in show business.

You'd look stunning in an apron, surrounded by nice, yellow oranges.

- Here, have some sardines. - I don't want any sardines.

I'm not throwing a bare turkey on the stage. I'm quitting, Maggie.

And don't stand waving a flag, and telling me the show must go on.

- So relax, it's over. - No, it isn't over!

We're going to open without scenery, without costumes.

Just with talented and people.

We're going to open and knock 'em dead!

Hallelujah!

Come on, lets get out of here. We'll get something to eat and celebrate!

- What's there to celebrate? - Today's your birthday.

Don't change the subject. Listen Mike,

we've got a good show here. If you only try...

What do you think life is, a fairy tale?

Yes. It is.

Fairy tales! Sardines!

What do you want?

Could you tell me please, where I can find Mr. Michael Johnson?

You're speaking to the gentleman in person.

Oh, how wonderful, you are really Mr. Johnson?

- What can I do for you? - Oh, Mr. Johnson, so much!

- You mean in the show? - You have a place for me, I'm sure.

Too bad, Miss uh...

- I am Madame Egelichi. - Madame Egelichi.

Mr. Johnson, you must have a place for me.

Not any more.

- But why? - Because of a bankroll...

...we haven't got.

What I'm trying to say Madam, with out breaking into unmanly tears,

...is that we're folding our show. Calling it a day.

Better luck next time, Madame Egelichi.

Uh, You mean to say the show is not going to open

and the actors are going away?

Oh no that... How much money do you need, Mr. Johnson?

- A loan from Congress would help. - Mr. Johnson, I am serious.

- I will supply the money. - This is over my head Mike.

What's going on?

It's simple. Didn't you say life was a fairy tale?

Here's our fairy godmother, with a wand!

And what a wand.

Madame Egelichi, I need 11 hundred dollars to raise the curtain.

You're not kidding, are you?

Shall we go to your office, Mr. Johnson?

Lets go!

You are going to make me so happy. So happy.

He's taking a long time for a business deal.

He'll be back.

- Oh don't be a fool, lets go! - Sorry Bunny, I promised.

I told you to never eat your dinner in this room!

Cheer up honey.

Maybe he's breaking your heart to make a better actress out of you.

Well baby, we're opening! Lyons is bringing back the scenery and costumes.

That's wonderful.

Yeah, she was really wonderful.

She is mad about the theater and she liked all my ideas.

She's a real show woman.

You can tell me all about it at dinner.

Oh, I almost forgot.

You'd better struggle without me tonight.

Rita and I still have a lot to discuss and I promised her that I would...

...but baby, I know it's your birthday but this is important.

Now be a trooper, cheer up! Everything looks wonderful.

It would look better if you'd wiped the rouge of your mouth!

Oh, don't get any ideas, Maggy.

I was so excited when I saw the money I had to kiss somebody.

I gotta run, see you tomorrow.

Happy birthday!

- Do you want all these cans open Madam? - Yes.

But these open cans may attract attention. What shall I do with them?

- Put them in the alley. - Alley, done!

- You like-a sardines? - Yes.

- Why, have you got any? - No, but I gotta something better.

I gotta somethings a-worth a million dollars to you.

Really? What is it?

Love!

It come to me like a flash!

The first a-minute I see you.

It's a-what-you-call-'em love at-a first look!

It's-a kind of love that's-a never going to die.

Uh, would you do something for me?

Anything! I climb-a the highest mountain!

Down and up, up and-a down!

I put-a my arm into the fire. Up-a to here, for you!

Uh, go and uh...

...get me all the sardine cans you can find in this theater.

Sardines? Ha! That's-a nothing!

I'm gonna cover you with-a sardines!

That's how much I love you. Watch-a my smoke!

Darling!

My favorite animal is cats. I collect them.

Darling. Darling.

Madame Egelichi, at last our search is over. Here is the can.

Where is the necklace?

- In here. - Really Throckmorton.

I'm sure of it.

He was eating sardines and swallowed the necklace.

- Oh but that's impossible! - I'll have him examine at once.

I no get-a you sardines. I gotta you something better!

- What? - Anchovies!

I have no use for them.

Maybe you like kippered herring? Smelts?

A smoked pike bit? I get you any kind of-a fish you like.

I love you!

Go away!

Go away! I'm sure your new partner is more important than I am.

Oh Harpo, I thought it was...

This is where you live, isn't it Harpo?

It must be wonderful to be like you, Harpo.

You live alone. That is, you don't need other people.

You don't depend on them. Never get hurt.

Oh Harpo, you're wonderful.

Harpo, I've got an idea. I've been a fool.

Letting my heart stand in my way. But it is not too late.

He'll still give me the part. Tomorrow morning. Mr. Hammerstein.

Can you imagine me in a Broadway production. A star!

A real star! And I'll work.

No more Nickel Romeos for me.

I'll work, and keep going, and get famous.

And we will be rich together.

And Harpo you'll be with me, because you've always loved me.

I haven't anyone except you.

And from now on you'll be my manager, too.

We'll be famous together! We'll scale to heights of Broadway together!

A star and her manager!

We'll be important people, Harpo.

You'll be the most influential manager on the Great White Way.

You'll have a whole suite of offices.

And a great big shining mahogany desk.

You'll be just as famous as me, Harpo.

Everyone will come to your office.

And call you on the phone.

All the great stars, and writers and producers...

...they'll beg you to help them.

And you'll audition all the great singers and dancers.

They'll will want advice, about new plays.

Begging to work in your productions. Our productions.

You'll be rich and important, Harpo. You and I, both.

We'll have everything we've ever dreamed of. Everything!

Sorry, Harpo.

I'm afraid everything isn't very much,

without that rotten, horrible Mike Johnson.

And on my birthday, too.

He had to do it on my birthday.

He said he knew it was.

Oh I hope I never... never have another birth...

Oh, Harpo.

What would I do without you?

You've made this the nicest birthday I've ever had.

At last the show was opening.

When Mackinaw, my faithful operator, reported that Madame Egelichi

had put money on the show, I knew the crises was at hand.

Now I was close to what I had been trailing all these years...

Madame Egelichi... I mean the diamonds.

Immediately, I started for the theater. Incognito of course.

Mackinaw, you now have a full account of the case,

and tonight at the opening of the play, you may have the solution.

For when the curtain rises, Madame Egelichi will be in the front box,

...and sitting next to her, will be Count Bouillabaisse.

But if you take away the count's silk hat,

his opera cloak, and his full dress suit,...

...you'll have me, shivering in my underwear.

Come on, Mackinow,

We'll be just in time to be fashionably late.

- Good evening. - I'm Ivan.

Well, on fret about it, you can always change it to Tom, Dick or Harry.

They get around allot. Come, Mackinaw.

Hey, that's not my suit you're pulling.

Give me the diamond necklace!

We've only just met and already he's asking me for things.

I'm from the Romanoffs.

To recover the diamonds we payed you 100 thousand Zlotys.

Zlotties! Did you ever try to spend a Zloty in this country?

The diamonds! Or in one hour you die.

Oh, yes Mackinaw. Allow me to introduce you to the man who's going to kill me.

At the sound of the next musical note

the end of my life will be brought to you by the Boulevard Sand Company.

Is your watch running fast? Would you like me to drop a little sand in it?

A few more grains of sand will fall and you will die.

I think I'm ready.

Come in!

Is there anything I can do for you? What a ridiculous statement.

Mr. Grunion, I want you to help me.

I have a little sand left. What seems to be the trouble?

- Some men are following me. - Really?

I can't understand why.

- I advice you to leave. - I take you down to the bus station.

Oh, if I'm not back tonight, go ahead without me.

That's been the history of all my romances.

Curtain time, five minutes.

- Alright, I'm a heel. - That's not news.

Could you love a heel that's been repaired?

I came back last night to get you, ten minutes after you left.

- You did? - Ah huh, with a clean face.

- What's all that? - Harpo gave them to me.

I thought it might improve the costume.

No. Too phony.

Tomorrow, if we're not stoned to death by the mob...

...I'll get you a real gem. For the proper finger.

Mike!

Faustino! Get ready, you're on in a few minutes!

I'll be ready, I'll be ready.

We want the diamonds!

- What diamonds! - You were wearing them.

- Oh, those! - Where are they?

I don't know! I don't know!

- She's not going to talk. - She'll talk to Madame Egelichi.

Or there will be murder!

Maggie... What's going on here!

Let go of her!

Lets search the place before we take her away.

What do you want? I should read your mind?

I'm-a to busy now, the show-a is gonna start.

I'm telling you you're too excited, I can't read-a your mind.

All right, I read-a your mind. What's on-a your mind?

Yeah, at's a dame. All the time you got a dame on-a your mind.

Oh, it's-a no dame. It's-a nice-a girl.

Yeah, what about-a nice-a girl?

That's-a what-a you call-a nice-a girl? You're crazy!

That's a dog! A dog? What about a dog?

A big dog?

A police dog? A big, big dog?

A Saint Bernard dog? Even bigger dog?

Great Dane?

A Great Dane? What about a Great Dane?

Great Dane got a dimple? Great Dane got whiskers?

That's-a my jaw!

Great Dane - Jaw. Great Dane - Jaw.

Great Dane - Jaw Great Dane - Jaw

Great Dane - Jaw Great Dane - Jaw

Great danger!

Who's a girl in great danger?

I can't read-a your hand, I can only read-a your mind.

That's-a billy goat.

That's-a Jolson. Singing-a "Mammy" - Mammy goat!

Mammy!

Mammy?

Mammy.

Mammy Ma...

Ma...

Ma?

Ma?

Ma?

Ma - what?

Ma - what? Ma - what?

You open the door? With a key?

Ma - key.

Ma - key. Ma - key.

Ma - key. Ma - key.

Ma - k... Maggie! Oh, Maggie is in-a great danger.

Oh, smart, eh? Oh ho, catch on-a quick.

Maggie's in-a great danger. Who's after Maggie?

That's a bird. A seagull? A bigger bird?

A turkey bird? A big, big bird? A stool pigeon?

That's-a Yankee Doodle. A Yankee Doodle bird?

That's a the flag. On top of the flag.

Is a eagle! An eagle, an eagle.

What about the eagle? Eagle a-scratch? Eagle a-tickle?

Eagle a-got flees? Eagle nervous?

Ah, stop, you make-a me itchy! Itchy?

Eagle - itchy. Eagle - itchy...

Egelichi! Egelichi.

Oh Egelichi. What-a Egelichi gonna do to Maggie?

It's a horse. A horse run away with Maggie?

A Horse a-fall down on Maggie?

That's a hammer and nail. No hammer?

A nail! A big nail?

A little nail. A little bitsy nail.

Little, little - tack, a tack!

Wet tack? Wet tack?

Wet tack? Wet tack?

Horse - wet tack, horse - wet tack...

Horse - wet track, horse wet track. Mudder!

Mudder, mudder...

A mudder, a mudder, a mudder...

Murder! It's a murder!

Egelichi's gonna murder Maggie! Oh! Come on, lets go!

Good luck, honey! Thanks, Jim!

...all about the diamonds or we'll murder you!

Hey, what-a diamonds? Who's got-a diamonds?

What a-we do? What we gonna do?

Alright girls, come on! Get in line and look pretty.

Now remember, this is opening night.

Now lets hear those lines. And put a little heart into it.

Perfume from Hindustan!

Oil from Arabia!

Diamonds from Africa!

Come on, we'll take her to the hotel.

- But there's a show on! - We're not interested.

We'll keep her there until she tells us where she hid the diamonds.

Hey! Don't take her away, I confess! I got-a the diamonds, I find them.

- Where are they? - Right here, but I no give 'em to you!

- Here Harpo! - Quickly, chase them!

Harpo, this way!

Help me hold the door!

They got to keep chasing us. If they find out we no got-a the real diamonds

they're gonna stop the show, kill Maggie.

And I gotta get back in the theater. Hurry, you go!

That way!

After you.

Hurry up!

Find him! What's the matter with you two?

He was right here! Where did he go?

What are you doing there you idiots! Why didn't you grab him.

There he is!

- That's where I saw him. - You two are out of your head.

He's heading up to the other roof.

Beautiful, beautiful, go take your bow!

I gotta no time. I got to give them the diamonds. The real ones!

- Who's got diamonds? - Me, look!

I save-a Harpo! I save-a the show! I'm-a the hero, nobody else!

Hey! Hey, I got them!

Hey! Hey! Leave Harpo alone!

Here's the real diamonds. Look! Look! Look!

I got him.

The odds were a thousand to one that I wouldn't make it.

But here I was, back on the trail.

At the risk of death I fearlessly scrutinized every possible hiding place.

Ah, Madame Egelichi! Don't you remember me?

Yes, I do!

- No, I mean before that. - Grunion, I'm warning you.

This time, I'm going to get the diamonds,

and nobody is going to stop me.

Oh no, I'm not going to follow you and get shot.

If I was half-shot I'd follow you.

I'll take those.

- Give me those diamonds you fool! - You want-a the diamonds?

Sure, I give it to you. Now, what you gonna give me?

- That's not what I want. - Where are they?

- You got them. - The real ones!

Those are the real ones. Harpo, he's-a gotta the fakes.

He's out there!

There he is again!

- Where is he? - He was standing right there!

- That's what I saw! - You two are idiots!

- There he is! - After him!

Where is he?

- Right there! - Alphonse! Throw the rope!

There he is!

I'll get him.

Good work, my man! I was just about the enter the battle myself.

From now on, I'm gonna take care of you.

You've got the ax, of course?

I'm in complete command of the situation.

I didn't see a thing, all the window shades were down.

Search him!

Oh, no, I'm not gonna get into that.

If this was a French picture I could do it.

I'll search him myself.

No, the diamonds have kept us apart to long.

I'll tackle him single handed.

I'd kill anyone who's got those diamonds.

Grunion, darling!

Careful, you're singing my coat.

I don't care about the diamonds. All I really want is you.

- So, you finally fell for me, eh? - Yes.

This is the sweetest moment of my life. Come my darling!

Goodbye old man, it was nice knowing you.

Please, you're tickling my change pocket!

Oh my darling, lets get away together just you and I. What fun we'll have!

We'll stop at the Riviera, Monte Carlo, Rio de Janeiro...

Yeah, but first we'll stop at the unemployment

insurance office to pick up my check.

And that's how the long search ended.

With the diamonds in the pocket of a happy-go-lucky clown

who disappeared with them.

Never realizing their true value.

Anyway that was six cases ago.

Right now I'm hot on the trail of the Calcutta cut-throats.

And I've tracked the down to Good Humor plant in Istanbul.

Answer that, my man!

I'm busy.

Gin, eh?

10, 30, 40, 47, 50, 60...

Fine assistant...

There goes-a my coat.

Yes!

Yes, dear. Yes, I'll be home, dear.

No, I wont be late, dear, six o'clock, right on the dot.

Yes, dear. Goodbye, dear.

My wife.

Formerly, Madame Egelichi...