Original subtitles

THE TICKLERS

(Halt! Nobody moves!)

Look out! They’re here!

Silence!

I am Pancho López, now in sole command of this region!

Come on, budge up!

Come on!

A drink!

A glass of milk?

Sorry general, we don't have milk here…

…but I can offer you other refreshments.

You can't win over Pancho López by offering a whore’s favors.

Hey you, blonde! Come with me.

Nobody moves, right, or I shoot.

We would like to thank the Portuguese Authorities, the Secretary of State, the Municipal Chamber of Cascais and the Management of the Hotel do Guincho, for facilitating the shooting of this film.

Come on!

On you go,

and lie down there.

What was that?

Who sneezed?

It was me. I often sleep bare-foot here,

which means I’m liable to catch the cold.

I suppose so.

I swear there is somebody else in here, I’m telling you.

Don't you worry, my big one, it’s just the “Phantom” of my friend, the “Opera”,

who visits me from time to time.

The poor thing died of the cold in Alaska, but still makes the odd appearance.

Strange.

Now, I fuck…

We're not sophisticated here… …oh-la-la-la-la…

Aha! Carlos Ribas, the leader of the rebels!

- Don’t you know me? - Indeed, I do not!

I am Pancho López, the Chief of all the Chiefs.

- Do you know Madeiro? - No, nor do I care about this Madeiro.

- He's our new President. - So what?

Come with me and you will learn! Guards!

Guards! Come quickly! Over here!

Come on! Outside…

…and you, fool, come along!

- This way! - Goodbye, my dears.

Shut up!

See you soon!

This way…

…and you come with me.

Take this pack of sluts back to camp!

They are my gift. Back to camp!

Back to camp!

Out, out fast! Out, out fast!

Come over here!

Come along, out with you!

Now we’re done here! Giddy-up!

Oh, no, no…

Now, what does he have to cry about?

Hey, grandad, what happened to you?

I was the porter for this Convent…

…the Convent of the Benedictines…

So, what of it? That’s nothing to cry about.

It's horrible! This Convent…

…is beset with misfortune.

It was taken by storm with each revolution.

First Maseido and his wild bunch.

All our sisters, except Mother Alice,

have been raped.

So when government troops took over matters,

we welcomed their arrival here with joy…

…but then, to make their mark,

the soldiers raped all our sisters…

…except Mother Alice.

A few months later, let me see,

it was the Ribas guerrillas who took the area,

but then, as they passed the Convent, they saw the poor sisters…

…yet again, the assaults of these barbarians had to be endured.

You see, what spoils!

Girls for mercenaries.

Only Mother Alice was able to escape.

Another test, sent by fate.

I only tell you what I saw.

Unfortunately, it didn’t end there.

So, the day before yesterday, our comrades liberated the country.

Intoxicated by violence,

they entered the Convent and continued to abuse these poor Sisters,

except Mother Alice.

So, tell us why they never raped Mother Alice?

Well, each time…

…she refused!

They had to quit the Convent and seek a quieter place…

…so now here I am all alone…

…lost…

…unemployed…

I'll give you a little something…

What, what are you doing?

Now you can make do with that for a few days.

Oh well, talk about charity…

Yeah, give your other half to the next one!

Thank you!

Come on girls, now to your Convent!

- So what do we do, stay on board? - No.

One… (two)…

…three!

Come on!

Whoa, gently, my beauties, gently.

Help me, girls!

You’ll have to tie up these two bastards. Come on!

I’ll hold them, I’ll hold them.

Get on with it, tightly, tightly.

Faster, let’s go!

Come on, get him tight.

Quick girls! Go, go into the woods!

Faster!

Giddy-up!

I'm tired of wearing this stuff. It’s getting insufferable!

Well, take them off!

Look, panties?

That means ass!

Hey guys, guess what I found?

Get a look at that this little piece.

Not bad… and they smell nice.

They are female.

Quickly!

- They’re over there! Let's go! - (Excited gaggle)…

Quickly, the soldiers are trailing us. Where are we going?

To the Convent!

If you talk, we’ll beat you up!

Is there anywhere we can hide here?

Of course, of course.

So take us then. Come on…

…(Excited gaggle)…

Over here, they must be hiding here.

Ouch!

I’m coming!

Hey, my brothers, I'm coming!

Open up, open up, in the name of God!

Hang on!

Courage, Gigi.

Come with us.

Follow me and line up.

May the Lord be with you.

What can I do for you brothers?

We are looking for whores! Uh, I mean, Sisters in Sin!

Have you seen anybody?

Any visitors here?

Here, my brother? But this is a Convent.

My Sisters and I live in meditation,

and nobody would ever dare to come and disturb our peace.

You won't find anyone here, Brother…

…Brother who?

Pancho López, it is I who command the revolutionary troops.

The top-most authority!

The top-most authority in the country?

No, but in this neighborhood! And you, my Sister, what is your name?

They call me the Sister… uh… …Sister Gigi.

Gigi? That's not a name!

So, my brother, am I to understand you have not heard of Saint Gigi?

Well, no!

It seems to me, my brother, your religious education is somewhat lacking.

Saint Gigi was the cousin of Jonas, that fellow… …that man who lived in a whale, and who…

A whale? Still alive?

But of course, it is well known.

And her cousin lived with a mackerel…

…hmm… in a shark!

Well I’ll be damned, quite a family affair!

Enough, we did not come here for religious teachings.

My Sister, I’d like your permission to search the whole Convent.

These girls must be hiding somewhere right?

Out of the question, I will never authorize it.

Too bad, my Sister! Come on guys, get on with it!

Search everywhere, everywhere!

Gather around and follow me.

This way! Right here.

Preachy, preachy… Amen.

Observe, it's prayer time.

Rosarium, Rosaria, whatever…

Huh…

Hey!

Hey there!

Now, one cannot enter the House of God with a hat on one's head.

Take all those hats off…

…and quit smoking, you bunch of bastards!

Ah, she's right, take off your cigars and stub your hats, you bunch of bastards!

That’s an order!

See, Mother, I only want to listen to your prayers…

…as for my little ones, I know they don’t look it, but they are very pious.

So park your butts somewhere and we'll give the prayer a listen.

Gather in, like so!

All together now, long live the Mother Superior!

Hurray!

Bravo!

You can carry on, Mother.

Sister Gigi, why don't you lead the prayer today?

It's not my turn, it's Mimi's turn.

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will… on earth…

…heaven… (mumbling)…

Amen.

She is an extremely sensitive child. She cries at the mere pronunciation of the Virgin’s name.

Why?

She feels so impure, compared to the Blessed Virgin.

- But she looks innocent enough? - Buddy, I’ll say you've got a keen eye…

Huh?

I meant you have great penetration, my brother.

- Psychological penetration, that is. - Yes, yes, that was my meaning.

Oh, my brother!

I commend unto you, Mary… … (muttered prayer)…

Continue, Fifi, the Rosary…

Me, me, Mother Simone?

Yes, my dear child.

Mimi, Gigi, Fifi… Why do they all have doggy names?

After the French Saints.

Aha, the Saints have funny names in this house?

(Fifi continues muttered prayer…)

Amen.

Amen… Amen.

Amen.

A… a… a… men.

Amen.

(Amen.)

Eh, Chief… …not much variety in this act.

Rather tedious churchy stuff.

Ah… …we don’t just come to church for laughs, you moron!

Oh shit!

- What did you say? - Thank God!

We say that whenever we are struck by misfortune.

Right, and why is that?

In order to humble us.

So, you’re a little masochistic around the edges?

Shut up, Satan! We know how to balance our sorrows with joy.

Yeah, as I thought! All masochists!

What the hell gave birth to such a Convent?

Not one of you can recite the prayer properly!

I will do it!

Sainte Marie… Phallus Deï…

- Clitoris pécatamundi… - (Amen!) - Miséréré pubis. Gigantus érectum… - (Amen!)

- Rectum Branlatibus… Sodomisem… sans vaselinum… - (Amen!)

- Cunnilingus… Flagellationem. - (Amen!)

What about that?

Amen!

- Sainte Marie… Phallus Deï… - (Amen!)

- Clitoris pécatamundi… Miséréré pubis. - (Amen!) - Gigantus érectum…

- Rectum Branlatibus… - (Amen!)

- Sodomisem… sans vaselinum… - (Amen!)

- Cunnilingus… Flagellationem. - (Amen!)

- Clitoris pécatamundi… - (Amen!)

- Phallus Deï… Miséréré pubis. - (Amen!)

- Gigantus érectum… Rectum Branlatibus… - (Amen!)

- Sodomisem… sans vaselinum… - (Men laugh).

Shit!

- Cunnilingus… Flagellationem. - (Amen!)

- Sain…te Marie… - (Amen!)

- Phall…us Deï… Clitoris pécatamundi… - (Amen!)

- Miséréré pubis. - (Amen!)

Amen!

Gigan…tus érectum… Rectum Branlatibus…

Sodomisem… sans vaselinum…

Amen!

- Cunnilingus… Flagellationem. - (Amen!)

- Sainte Marie… Phallus Deï… Clitoris pécatamundi… Miséréré pubis. -(Amen!)

Bastard! What are you doing?

Pardon me, Chief, I didn't know church could be so exciting.

Well, in future I’ll be coming more often!

Phallus Deï… Clitoris pécatamundi…

Hold your horses, Sister Machin!

It seems to me you’re just a pack of sluts,

Not even caring what comes out your mouths.

Either you take your prayers seriously, or the shit will fall on you!

(Forgive them, General)…

- You see, my brothers, in normal circumstances… - Yes?

It is I that who has the pious duty of relating the Holy Rosary.

Alas, my brothers, as the Lord can vouch, I am afflicted with arthritis on this leg,

so have been bedridden for several days, but it is much better now.

Do not be too surprised, my brothers, if this Rosary from our devout Sister,

did not come out so Catholic, for she is not yet accustomed to it.

Glorious mystery…

…first mystery… …of the presentation of Jesus in the Temple: Glorious mystery…

…first mystery…

Pater Noster, qui es in Caelis… …(continues mumbling Latin Lord’s Prayer)…

That tickles.

I ask you to accept our apologies for this inconvenience.

God bless you!

Let him guard you from within.

Tell me, my Mother, why don’t you want the protection of my men?

At the end of the day, the only help we need is from the Lord.

Still, I can't just leave you like this.

- Basilio! - Yes sir?

You will stay here with two soldiers, to protect these women of virtue.

You will watch over their safety, day and night,

and if just one of them comes to any harm, I’ll have you shot…

- …or worse still, I’ll have you kitted out in bloomers! - Oh no, Chief, not the bloomers!

They won’t come to any harm, I swear.

But what are these bloomers?

Oh, nothing, except they consume the parts of whoever wears them!

- So you will keep me posted. - Yes, yes, Chief.

Okay, now we will peacefully make our way.

(We’re in deep shit now)…

- Something to add? - She means that we are very grateful to you.

Ah, thank you, goodbye.

Section! Form up!

Forwards!

March!

Why did you rescue us?

Well, I want to stay with you, I like it here. You’ll see.

It's something new.

I could also be just as useful to you.

Alright, on what terms?

Uh…

50 pesos in gold coins, and in addition, I reserve the right…

…to get laid whenever I want, and with whichever of your girls will satisfy me the most.

Aren't you ashamed, old wretch?

But why? I had a similar arrangement with the Benedictines.

We agree, but you must remain with us until the end.

Okay.

And…

…have you a wine-cellar?

- Yes. - Got any wine?

- Yeah. - Any good?

Extra…

I really need to satisfy my throat.

Me too, very good, let's go!

This way.

Come…

The Benedictines took the best bottles when they left, but…

…there is still a little Bourgogne left in here.

I especially like that wine.

Just checking, if it is quite beautiful! You must take your time, it's old stuff…

…it should not be disturbed. We will require two glasses to taste it.

Ah, give it here!

(Grumbling)…

Hey, open the door!

Oh, and more shit!

It's not so bad… not so bad…

We are done for! The guards will keep us here, and all we can do is keep up this game.

I’m not buying it! I need to be fucked!

If I don't get my fare share soon, I'll be sick by tomorrow.

Don't fret my pretty one, I'll gladly service you myself, you know how good I am by now…

Indeed, no need to dream about it…

…but for me, there’s no excitement in other girls.

Nothing beats a good old buck.

The smell of sweat, wine and tobacco, it gets me going…

…and hairy skin… …mmmm…

Are you quite finished with your stories of the rear end?

There are more important matters at hand.

There is the Ribas problem. We have to make a plan to release him.

His death would be a great loss for this country.

And for our asses too!

Now each of you to a cell.

No whoring about, got it?

Chief, news from the Convent…

- …(Mumbling)… - Go ahead!

Well, all is quiet.

And that is why you have come to distract me from my tasks?

- No Chief, that's not all. - Then talk!

Last night I saw a Sister in the courtyard, she was getting drunk on red.

- So, is that it? - No, Chief.

She then slipped the key for the cellar into her garter…

…a purple garter, Chief.

Cretin! Stupid runt! What’s so strange about that?

Drinking red is not a sin,

and if she weren't wearing garters, her stockings would fall off.

If you continue to piss me off with such bullshit,

I’ll be doing you in!

And meanwhile… in the forests of Colombia…

(Spanish-style gibberish)…

Oh…

My chick, there is no doubt, you are pregnant.

I can even feel it move.

Do you require any assistance in there?

Oh, yes!

Oh, yes!

Oh, yes!

What’s all this mess?

I’ll join you…

Oh, it’s getting hot in here…

Oh, yes!

Oh… …oh, ho, ho, ho… …oh…

Chief.

Have you seen one of them tickling?

Precisely, Chief, one of them was tickling,

and two others were making love, after one of them found out she was pregnant.

I saw another dancing the French Cancan,

buttocks in the air,

while the Mother Superior smoked a cigar as big as this.

You’re kidding me, right?

You wouldn’t be acting dumb with me?

If you continue bothering me with your bullshit, it will be the bloomers for you…

…up to your ass! Outside!

Yes, sir!

…(Carousing)…

Hello, my Sister.

See you later, grandpa!

And what do you want?

What is it?

I have to speak…

…to Mother Loulou.

One person requests this.

Come in, my little brother.

My Sister…

…is that…?

Why do you hide your face, handsome soldier?

Look at me, I'm not so bad.

Because, my Sister…

Well, come on, don’t be so scared.

That’s not the way of a soldier.

No?

You know what they say about a Sister's hands?

If you could see them in action you’d have no regrets.

Father Ramon wants to see you.

Come closer, get on the bed.

Oh, don't be afraid, come closer, let's have some fun.

But Father Ramon is over there and he is awaits my Sister.

He says he wants to see you.

Father Ramon? Bring him in immediately, I have to confess.

Good.

Of course, my Sister, right away…

She's in there.

Oh, my big bunny, I missed you.

Until you see me now?

Oh, but no, I have missed you and your cock.

How did you know I was here?

I knew that the Benedictines fled the Convent a few days ago.

Then, when I heard about some odd Sisters taking up residence, I knew what was going on.

Oh, enough talk and hurry up, let's get down to it.

Hold on…

Look, more importantly, I also bring some very bad news.

Ribas has been sentenced to death.

Bastard! Could you not have told me that afterwards?

I don't want to fuck anymore!

Stay here.

Carlos Ribas has been sentenced to death.

We have to save him, we have to.

We can't just sit here, and let them kill this great patriot.

Especially one so well hung, the most appetizing cock in the country.

Oh, even I get turned on by him.

Swept me off my feet many a time, since he first raped me when I was seven…

(Sure, that’s why you hate men. Thanks to him, you’re now the perfect dyke.)

That's right, I cannot thank that rapist enough.

So girls, what are we to do?

We absolutely must make a decision together.

May I leave?

Yes, why?

I have an urgent matter to settle.

Yippee!

Get on with it!

No, it doesn't work anymore.

Not even if I take the matter into my own hands?

Same result.

It has already served its purpose, and is cooked through.

So you leave me hungry?

Listen, stop your gabbling, because I know you too well.

Even if you fucked ten times in a row, you could still stomach a whole regiment more.

Blah-blah!

There are more pressing matters at hand.

Oh, really?

And duties, so what are you going to do about that?

Oh, blah!

Hey, fag!

Hey, hey, soldier…

…yoo-hoo, my brother…

Yes, you, come over here, a little closer.

Me?

- Can I be of service, madam? - Like so!

So be it… a stiff one then…

You're almost there, buddy!

Do you like that?

But… but… but…

…but, can it be true?

Is that good or what?

Oh yes, yes, yes, Madam, that's sure good!

I've been raped,

by one of these beautiful nuns.

Hold it right there my fellow, I've had enough! I'll teach you to joke about with religion.

Corporal of the Guards!

Listen, Corporal, go take this son of a bitch, who slanders our good Sisters, and stick him in jail.

It's a charge of defamation, on you go!

As you command!

But I… Chief? I’m telling the truth!

Well, we can’t just sit and cross our arms, while Ribas may well be swinging from a rope.

But what can we do?

All we are good for is fucking! A fat lot of good that’ll do in the present crisis.

If Ribas is killed, then all we can do is take orders.

As we already are. We’ll just have to stay put.

Come on children, we’re not going to save the man’s hide by just crying about it.

So you what do you think?

I'm thinking.

We know fine what you’re thinking about… …Ribas' prick!

It’s true!

It won’t be much use to you when its owner is himself swinging!

Well, you never know. It is said that the hanged are always well hung…

We could recover him, the body, and then… hum…

You women are all the same.

I listen to you and I realize that you’re only interested in pricks.

Wouldn't you rather have it still alive?

Naturally, but how?

Let us draw from our own experience, it could be useful to us.

When you fuck someone who struggles to come, you gotta’ find his weaknesses, then try some titillation.

That’s what we do best, right?

So what?

Well, the weaknesses of the male, they are not always found in the nether parts.

It is sometimes the ears or the neck that set off a man’s artillery.

Shut up, don’t be disgusting!

Just saying…

Ah, yes, to save Carlos, let's attack by more subtle means.

Your plan will amount to nothing.

Gigi is right. If we kidnapped the Governor, for example…

…then we could get Ribas released from prison in exchange for our prisoner.

Why not just break out Ribas directly?

Ah, that would be more difficult.

He's only in a cell.

There are plenty of guards, and when one of them is off duty, we need only get his attention over here…

…or pay him a visit?

It's true, let's not forget that we too have assets.

We have, between our legs, a secret weapon which has already won us many a battle.

Okay, I don't like men, but Ribas is an exception. For him, I’m ready to make a sacrifice.

We have to help him and his people.

We will take inspiration from Robin Hood!

Or Zorro!

Come, Fifi!

Go get some sleep. I’ll keep watch for an hour. Off you go!

Hey… go on!

- Who goes there? - It's me, Juanita.

- Juanita who? - Juanita Bellenana.

And what might you be doing, out here all alone,

and at this hour, my little Juanita… huh?

I lost my way. I went to town, to buy green peppers for my grandmother.

She can’t get enough of them, but I now I’ve lost my way…

Do you like peppers too?

Oh yes, sir, a lot.

Well, come with me, and I’ll show you a lovely red pepper.

Red? I love red peppers, they are the strongest.

- Ah, that's true. - And they are very good for your health.

That they are, ha-ha!

And what variety of chili would it be? Tiny?

Oh no, I wouldn’t say it’s small.

- Say, can I try your chili? - Well, I can lend it to you.

- Then I can deliver it to my grandmother? - I am not so keen on that idea.

How old is she?

- 81 years old! - Oh!

I could only entrust you with my chilly pepper, because I grew it myself, you understand?

I cannot lend it to just anyone, and would not gladly lose it.

Besides, I must take care of it.

Do you have your pepper on you?

Oh yes, of course…

…but here, outside, like this?

- Ah well, let's go… - Come, let's go!

Don't move from here, my dove.

No!

No!

Still no!

Aha!

Come on, my little Juanita.

Now, behold my chili pepper, my little hooded one.

Well, what do you think?

You seem rather changeable yourself!

What do you mean?

Well, outside you were more… …how shall I say… different?

A trick of the light. In the dark I look redder.

Was it definitely you I met outside?

But of course, I'm little Juanita. You promised me your red pepper.

Ha-ha, you are beautiful, ah…

That's where you hide your little chili pepper, right?

Ah, bitch, you knew what I was talking about, huh?

Oh yes, I may be young and pure, but I am not stupid.

So you don’t waste any time, huh?

There are more surprises in store for you, soldier,

but close your eyes, I get embarrassed when people look at me.

Come in.

So that's your game? Can I open my eyes?

I’m not fussed.

Shit, is it you?

Quite so!

Not one minute ago you were a brunette.

Me?

But are you crazy?

Not so, you just told me you only appear red-haired in the shade.

Here is the proof, I am as red as I was earlier.

Look, that's quite enough. Don't take me for a fool.

But what are you complaining about? It breaks up the monotony,

anyway, you talk too much. Do you want to fuck, or shall I go find myself another chili?

Ah, no, when it comes down to it, you are right. Brown or redhead, it’s no big deal, huh?

That's another story… Let's just go cheerfully on our way!

Who are you? What are you doing here?

- Are you the Governor's son? - Yes, why?

You like girls?

Yes.

Then wait a second, I'll be right back.

Just one cry… …and you’re going straight to hell.

What… who are you?

I am “Q”, cousin of “Z”. “Z” for Zorro, that is.

You have, I trust, heard of “Z” for Zorro?

Uh, I guess… …uh, no, no…

What do you want with me?

Either you release Ribas or you will die.

You’ve got 24 hours. Tomorrow at midnight you will release Ribas, at the edge of the lagoon…

…or else…

For now, what about taking that sword away from my neck,

then we can chat more comfortably, right?

Okay… do you prefer it there?

Oh no, no!

Anything but that… …the family jewels are highly prized, they still have their uses.

No, no, put the sword down, I'll give you what you want.

So, now you’re under my thumb, we can finally discuss certain matters.

I have a nice little proposition for you.

In the mood to bargain, huh?

What do you say?

Interested?

Well, here it is. If you release Ribas,

not only will I spare your family jewels,

but in addition I’ll pay you another friendly visit, huh?

If only to see how strong your feelings are for me, huh?

You have 24 hours to consider.

Do not forget it.

Guards!

Damn, what's up with that idiot?

(Guards!)

Shit!

(Come here!)

Over here! Over here!

Stop them!

But where is she?

Where is that piece of ass?

Aha! Over here!

Hang on! What was that?

Come back, just ignore it, my love.

- Take care of me, come on. - Oh yes.

Honey…

…come…

And meanwhile… in a lost corner of Mauritania…

(Creole-style gibberish)…

What are you doing?

I think it’s okay to ring the bell, from time to time, my Sister.

- It is normal in a Convent. - Yes, but not like that;

with more severity.

They respond like a herd of goats.

- Hello. - Hello.

Where have you been, my son? I haven't seen you in the last few days.

I was in prison.

Why, my son?

I had hallucinations, and it seemed to displease my Chief.

I see the impossible. Have you ever seen good Sisters wearing blue suspenders?

- Certainly not, my son. - There you have it.

We totally agree.

Tell me.

- Do you know if all is well in town? - Yes, I think so.

No news of the rebels?

Ah yes, it seems that a hundred women laid siege on the Governor last night.

- What a story! - Who were these women?

Ah well, whores I’d say.

And they were all arrested?

Only a dozen, it seems.

I think those sods have arrested Loulou.

Good morning, my love.

As much as I’d like to stay with you, and do it another five or six times,

I have to go now. Would you like to join me?

Of course, where are you going?

To the Benedictine Convent. Today we celebrate the mysterious Saint Salomé.

- You know of my devotion. - Saint Salomé? But Salome was no Saint.

- He was a wretched prostitute. - Oh, this is just another fabrication by journalists.

I tell you, Salome was a Saint, and anyway, what do you have against whores?

But, what about a frock?

Well, I left it somewhere, and can’t remember.

Wait, I’ll go get one, from my mother's wardrobe.

Why won't you take off your mask?

Because I’m shy.

What a bunch of idiots you are!

Useless!

To all be ridiculed like this, by just one girl.

But she did have quite an ass, Chief!

Oh, don’t you get clever with me,

or you’ll find yourself peeling potatoes very soon.

Tonight at midnight, we will execute this damn dog of a man, Ribas!

That is how I will answer that bitch!

As for you, you will now go and inform Ribas of this.

Me? But why me?

That’s an order! Get on with it!

- Ribas. - What do you want with me, dirty traitor?

Look, I'm no dirty traitor, don’t exaggerate.

Well, why else are you wearing this uniform?

One has to clothe oneself…

…otherwise, we catch the cold, and then get hungry.

Huh… dirty mercenary.

- What do you want from me? - Well, I don't know where to start…

…you see, it was really the Governor who sent me.

That stinking jackal! That usurper!

Well, his opinion of himself is not so shitty…

- …but you’re not wrong. - Get on with it!

You can hardly be in a hurry.

A little company is good, right?

Say, do you like girls?

Well, yes, of course. Why?

From one man to another, me too.

I must tell you, last night I came across a little redhead…

…or a little brunette, well, I‘m not sure!

Anyway, it was a little girl. Then that bastard of a Governor prevented us from going all the way.

He yelled, he yelled, he yelled like a dog!

And why was he yelling?

It seems that a girl came in and threatened him.

- A girl? - Yes.

- What girl? - She calls herself “Q”.

Ah, you mean “Culo”?

No, the letter “Q”, like “H” or “Z”.

She threatened to cut off the Governor's balls, if he doesn't release you tonight.

So what is he going to do?

Well, you must understand, he did not take this well.

He's not very smart, you know! Ha-ha-ha…

Ah yes, yes, but what then?

But she’s actually not too clever either.

That’s the truth of it.

You don’t want to go disturbing people like that, especially a Governor…

- …by sticking a sword in his bollocks. - Ah, what a thing to do…

It must be said, even a man like that has dignity.

- So… - But what then?

Out with it!

Ah, my poor old boy! It's not easy to say this.

Especially now we have this kind of friendship.

How can I say it? You are to be executed this very night…

Oh, the bastard, the scum!

- Oh, you’re not wrong there. - So we have no idea who this girl is?

Not the least.

But the other one, the one with me…

…the red-haired brunette, what legs!

I took one of her suspenders, as a souvenir.

You can borrow it if you want.

I'll get it back tomorrow morning!

- Fifi? - No, her name was Juanita.

Juanita Bellenana, or something like that.

So I can keep this garter?

Oh, of course, buddy.

You can't refuse anything to a friend, who is going to…

Come on, old boy, courage.

Let it be! Resign yourself. Such is life.

Sooner or later, you have to die.

It pains me. Such a handsome guy like you…

Strong, young, lively, who had such a future ahead of him.

Well, let's not take it like this, it's just a bad time to be leaving…

Tell me one thing. Madame Simone's daughters… …what has become of them?

No one knows!

They were loaded onto a cart with two guards,

then to be taken to the troop camp, but they never got there.

I bet your last wish is to fuck a girl, huh?

No, no, it’s not that.

I will miss you, you were a true friend.

Farewell Ribas, courage!

“We won't let you die, Honey!” Your girls.

Ah, dear Loulou, ho-ho!

- You don't know me. - Ah, I don't know you? Then who are you?

Senorito Juan?

You do not know me. You’ve seen nothing.

I don't know anyone but myself.

Do you know if Mother Simone, my aunt, is here?

Your aunt?

Ha-ha, but of course, and the grandfather and the cousins, they are all there as well.

Thank you, come with me, darling.

Come and see this.

Here she comes, salope!

I beg your pardon?

Uh, I said, “Here she gallops”, to come to the Rosary, of course.

Ah… mmmm…

My aunt, Mother Simone.

How dare you, my dear niece, bring unknown people here, and a man at that?

I present to you my young friend.

- But it's shameful! - Ah yes, a man here, a man!

He is the Governor's son.

- How cute he is. - What a great idea, darling!

An angel, descended from heaven.

Thank you.

- Dear sir, would you like a coffee? - Certainly.

I see you smoke, Mother?

Me? Not at all… never… come on. A nun who smokes? Quite unthinkable.

But not at all, no, that's not what I'm saying.

I’m not surprised it seems so, my child, when I think intensely my head smokes…

He’ll have to be hidden, you go and take care of it.

How about in the cellar with the old man?

…(Carousing continues)…

- Eh, you hear that? - What?

A singing drunkard.

I can't hear anything… …I can't see anything…

…and I advise you to follow my example, if you don't want to end up in jail, ha!

Hello!

How’s it going, soldiers?

Who is this?

I do not know her. I do not know anyone.

So is… is she just another slut?

Why, don’t be stupid. She's a Saint.

Just like all the others…

My little Basilio, will you come with me, to pick the Roses of Saint Nicholas?

Oh, gladly, I’d love to.

Ah well, my hallucinations are back.

Is Brother Basilio not here?

He’s picking roses with Sister Loulou.

- And how would you like to pick some roses, with me? - Oh yes, I love roses.

Oh, my Sister, oh, what a vision!

- Yes, ha-ha-ha… - This is no hallucination.

Come here.

Oh, a slut, that’s all you are. Ah, women…

What cheek! I should have been more wary. Touch me again and I’ll scratch you.

Calm down, my little child, I'm not going to rape you. If you don't want it, I won't force you.

We're not on the same wavelength, that's all. You can leave if you want.

To be sure, we cannot even trust our Sisters; bitches, whores, the lot of them!

(Native American-style gibberish)…

Thank you.

You? But it hasn’t struck midnight yet?

I know, but I jumped ahead,

since my little finger told me that you intend to hang Rivas this evening.

If you go ahead with this, your son is… weee…

My son?

My son, but where is he?

You don’t think I’m going to tell you?

Wretched “Q”! You are lying.

Do you recognize this?

His ring… …the one I gave for his first Communion.

Wretch, what have you done with him?

Nothing at the moment, but if you don't release Ribas, we’ll be pulling his nails out.

Pull his nails out? Oh no… …this is dreadful! Have grace, have pity!

Spare him, give me back my son!

Very well, I accept your conditions.

I will free Ribas, at the edge of the lagoon at midnight, but just give me back my son.

Dead or alive… but what am I saying?! No, safe and sound!

Okay, turn off the light.

Guards!

Guards!

Guards!

Guards!

Quickly, through the back door… …from the other side, then she’s locked in.

- Go, at once! - Come on, guys, quickly!

- Catch her! - We have to catch her

- Everything alright? - Very well, thank you.

- But, do we know each other? - Ah yes, I'm Juanita.

But of course, how stupid of me.

- That's it, huh? Ciao! - Goodbye!

Juanita? Shit, shit!

Bong… Bong… Bong… Bong… Bong… Bong…

Bong… Bong… Bong… Bong… Bong… Bong…

It is midnight, Governor.

(Sigh.)

Let him out now!

…(Drunken gibberish)…

Sorry…

He can’t even stand…

Pardon me…

…(Nervous gibberish)…

Hello there, watch out for the girls…

Thanks, old boy.

Good luck, adios!

Good luck…

Good evening, papa.

Papa!

- (Shhh)… He’s over there! (Shhh)… - Oh, I see, yes, hello…

Hello guys…

- Good evening, papa. - Oh no, please don't call me “papa”!

Are you okay, son?

Me? Never better! That was the best! Awesome!

The best day of my life. That’s how it was!

The best…

It's wonderful, together and alone, at last!

Oh, that’s…

…oh, so good!

Oh yes, that's good!

That's enough now! Your turn!

Go on, go on!

Oh, my love!

Oh yes, yes…

What is happening to me?

I'm troubled, on nights like this…

…with this moon…

…and all the flowers and their scents that penetrate me.

Ah, you know I want to love so much…

…and to be loved.

Kiss my ass!

Heaven help you…

…(Drunken gibberish)…

That's enough!

- Hey, pa, don't you like music? - Oh no, stop calling me “papa!”

Señorito Juan, you were taken by this despicable “Q”.

Taken by the ass? Ha-ha-ha…

Sausage brains!

Ah, you’re right there… That was not so clever of me…

- No, I didn’t think so… even though… - That's what I thought…

Yes, but even so…

- We can but try. - One more time won’t hurt.

- Or twice. - Twice either, even three times!

Three is too much!

You are right, to be so insistent would be inappropriate. A third time would be stupid!

Go on, go on, try again

Try harder, Señorito Juan.

Where were you kidnapped? Who kidnapped you, huh? Who?

Who?

- Who? - Yes!

Who are you asking about?

Ah yes? That one! She was nice and shapely, huh?

And breasts, two, yes, two…

- That must have been pleasant. - You said it, quite a whorehouse!

- One hell of a pounding… - Two shots…

- Two shots? - Yes, two shots.

- And then, after that… …and if he doesn't catch them… - So where did she take you?

Down on the feathers, my friend!

You know what I mean, a strong base!

Plus, she wore a mask…

…and boots. She liked to twist around like this…

But now, tell me, where was this?

Why, in the bed of course!

But this bed, huh, where was it?

The bed? Well, on the ground!

Pancho!

Come here.

Tell me, don't you find it strange?

- This abundance of good Sisters, since the other evening? - Yes…

…very strange indeed.

Which brings us to Basilio, the man I entrusted to watch over the nuns…

… now waiting outside, to be received by you.

- You moron, why wait this long to bring him in? - Yes, exactly…

- I was getting there… - Well, get a move on!

…(Gibberish continues)…

- (Sigh.)

Come in, Basilio.

Closer.

Hurry up now, stand here.

So it is you who protects the Clarissines.

Did you notice anything untoward, bizarre?

- Bizarre? - Did I say “bizarre”?

- “Bizarre”? Answer, you asshole!

No, Excellency, I did not notice anything, I assure you.

They are just ordinary nuns…

…absolutely, as it should be, quite normal. Also, they are very religious.

(Muffled cries.)

Help! Help! Help!

Come in!

Nothing to report!

Nothing to report?

On the other hand, I have a fair few things to report to you.

You have both been somewhat absent, and if I don’t get a clear explanation now,

you’ll be heading for a cell very soon. Have you just been jerking off all this time?

We were on the way back…

Aha… …and I suppose you’ve been around the world? It wouldn't surprise me.

You could say that is what happened to us, but it wouldn’t be believed.

- Ah, yes! - Enough!

Will you finally just explain yourselves?

So, out with it. Well?

Well, well, well, we were charged… …with bringing the prostitutes to the camp…

…then during the journey, while they were just joking and acting all innocent,

they suddenly attacked us… …with weapons they had concealed.

Ah, it's not entirely our fault. We were just doing our jobs… …we were surprised.

So, then they tied our hands to the cart,

and then whipped the horses so hard… …that they just ran, ran, ran, ran…

- …all the way round and back to base. - So, they escaped.

Where exactly were you when they the attack happened?

We had just passed that abandoned Convent.

Abandoned?

When we passed there, an old monk explained that the nuns had just left.

Ah, I see it now! Quick, we’re going there!

Move it! Quickly!

Now, why didn't you tell us… …that the nuns drink, smoke and kiss?

Ah, well, I’ve already been in the clink for opening my big mouth, so now I’m keeping it shut!

Well done! Now you’ve broken your own record for talking bullshit!

This time, you’ll spend a month there!

Come on! Gather all the men quickly!

- Come on! - Very well, Chief! - Come on! Come on!

Jump to it! One, two, one, two… Come on! Come on! Quickly! Come on!

(Ah well, what a grip on things he has…)

(Basilio joins in gibberish)…

Bravo girls, good job.

You’ll be the death of me.

Want to fatten me up like a cow?

Don't worry, what you gain in one area, we will soon help you lose in another.

Open up, open up…

(…in the name of the Governor!)

But what is it?

Don’t panic, sit down, don’t panic.

Eat.

God protect us.

Hello, my Sister.

What is it?

Come, Governor.

Follow me, you bunch of idiots, come on!

We, of this humble Convent, are very honored, Excellency.

- Your name? - Sister Maria, Excellency.

- And you? - I am Mother Simone, of French origin.

And the others?

- They're in the refectory, Excellency. - I want to see them all.

- Okay, this way, please. - Leave the men standing guard here. You, follow me.

Stay here!

Nobody moves! Understand, you bunch of idiots?

Sit down, and continue your meal.

- Excellency, would you like to join us? - No thanks, that won’t be necessary.

- Well, I wouldn’t mind… - You won’t be wanting anything.

Right, I don't want anything.

Will you take a little shot of wine, Excellency?

No thanks, I never drink. Thank you.

- It's wine from my country. - What country and region are you from?

From France, and I was born in Burgundy.

Well then… a Burgundy I cannot refuse.

Just a small glass.

Of course, rest assured it is fully licensed.

- Yes, but a very small one. - Let's say two!

- I said one drink. - Yes, a glass for you and then a glass for me.

(Nervous coughing.)

…(Carousing)…

Time to shut up for a bit, you've had your fill.

Why, your nose is all red. You see?

(Shhh)…

(Shhh)…

- Hello. - Hello. (Shhh)… - (Shhh)…

Oops…

Yippy! Ha-ha-ha…

- Won’t you? - I don't drink, it makes me fat.

Looks like you're not taking care of your figure.

I could almost believe you’re pregnant.

(And you, my hen, you seem shy.)

She is very shy and has a sore throat.

But she is so well formed… …firm-fleshed.

Thank you.

So, we don't know each other.

Not yet, but that can be remedied.

I'm sure I've seen you somewhere before.

Ah, I'm sure of it!

You flirt with everyone, my big one. Well, I am very exclusive.

I like girls of your sort, who have an elephant’s legs!

Aha!

You don't want to come with me?

That's right, come with us.

Come with me, my big wolf.

I want to bite you, pluck off your seal whiskers…

I like girls of your willing sort.

So hop to it!

Hey… first one in line…

…come!

I'm going to show you something.

Go and do as she says. Go on.

Come in, don't be shy.

Come, come!

- What are you waiting for? - But what am I doing?

Go ahead, old man!

Don't worry, go ahead, get on with it.

Come in, my brave one.

This place is warm.

What? What now?

You can’t be tired already, when we are still only in the first round?

- The fun is only just beginning. - Oh no…

Come along!

On you go, slowly.

Look out!

Slut! Wait a minute, your butt will be getting hot soon…

Me, a slut?

As sluts go, you are still a beautiful one…

You, you mean… …you have another one on the go… …or two?

- I warned you earlier. - Me? But I meant that as a joke.

- Don’t get mad! So you are a priest? - Me a priest? Are you a priest?

Me?

Don't worry, it’ll soon be your turn.

Come!

Come in…

Well then…

Come on, everything is fine.

Don't worry guys, your turn will come.

Come! Come in!

Go, go… as she says. Take your turn, and be sure to mind your manners.

Oh no…

I cannot stand it anymore.

Oh, what a wimp, after just twelve little humps…

…and he is no longer a man.

Oh-la-la-la-la-la-la… …oh…

You and I should get out of here, my cute little caveman.

We can then start a new life together, huh?

Ah well, watch what you say, I am no caveman.

Take a look at yourself, a bit of a ponce aren’t you?

Oh, what a man!

Oh, my…

- And you? - I surrender.

- Why? - Because I’m on your side.

- You know who I am? - No, but…

Go ahead!

Where are the girls?

Watch the door.

Quickly, we must flee, General Francisco has arrived with 50,000 men, ready to attack.

50,000 men is a tad excessive! We may be well-tempered, but even I can’t withstand that.

A cart is waiting outside. If we leave immediately, we’ll reach the border before dark.

But you are the Governor's son! Why would you want to help them?

I want to join your fight. I like your ideas…

…and I like the girls too.

Okay, that’s fine, we’ll squeeze you in.

- Wait, me as well! - There is still room for anyone…

(I have decided, I’m not leaving.)

No, I’d prefer to stay here, where it's more beautiful.

And me, what about me? Take me!

And as for you, you little bastard, are you a turn-coat and all?

Let him come, he's not such a bad guy.

Well, if it makes you happy, but things are getting serious now.

Going forward, I’ll leave this fat fool in your charge.

So, as he’s your prisoner, you take care of him.

Oh yes, trust me.

Come on! Come on! Come on!

Come on! Come on! Faster than that! Faster than that!

This will be our final send-off…

Hit the road!

- Goodbye! - Goodbye!

…(Carousing continues)…

Come on! Come on!

English subtitles by Al Michel and Stuart Lindsay, May 2020. With thanks to Francesco Cesari for the liturgical guidance…

…(Amen.)