Original subtitles

Please put your hands together for Emily Butler,

Author of soon best-seller "My Shit Husband".

And you still haven't told Greg?

She does not think you're shit.

She wrote a book about me called My Shit Husband.

I took the liberty of sending your manuscript to Reese Witherspoon,

and she wants to option the rights for $20,000.

- That's amazing! - That is amazing.

So because I'm in that position,

we're calling it the Spanish rickshaw.

- Oh! - (LAUGHS)

Best orgasm I've had this financial year.

- Ohh. - Yeah.

Oh, I keep meaning to ask, what's the latest from Reese Witherspoon

about adapting your book?

Um, my book.

Well, um, well, as far as I know the wheels are still in motion.

But then again Reese is super busy and these kinds of projects,

they can take years to get off the ground.

Plus it's, um...

It's a competitive market and...

...so much brilliant material out there.

Well, at least the podcast's kicking goals.

Yeah.

So if you're a shit husband like me...

Loud and proud.

...send us an email at the My Shit Husband podcast

and tell us about your epic fails,

especially if you're living overseas.

Oh, yes, and here's a big shout out to Fish Guts Bob and Friends

- from Louisiana. - Hoho!

Fish Guts Bob from Lou-eeeeee-siana! (LAUGHS)

Believable.

We've done something that Barnesy couldn't.

- What's that? - We cracked the US market.

(LAUGHS) Yee-haw!

Sweet!

RAVI: You know I could fill out the form for you if you'd like.

My mother says that reading my cursive writing is like a warm hug.

A form? What's the form?

Lindsay wants me to get a job with her at the cinema.

So I just have to fill this form out

and hand it in tomorrow to some guy called Zane.

GREG: Fire!

I should have said this sweet merch is on fire.

It arrived!

The My Shit Husband podcast merch.

Wow.

Ravi, on the house, buddy.

It's so crazy how the host of my favourite podcast happens to be

the father of my girlfriend.

Like, what are the odds?

If you wear that, you are so dumped.

And we got a new sponsor.

Intensity. In-Tent-City.

They do tents and their jingle is so contagious.

Wow.

Yay. Do you have hats for turtles?

Not hats for turtles but we do have...

...coffee mugs for little girls.

- Thanks, Dad. You're the best. - Stop it.

Em, I cannot believe that I tried to stop you publishing your book.

I mean, look what it spawned.

It's a My Shit Husband empire!

I know, it's like...

...wow!

Think quick.

GREG: YOU pack the dishwasher the way YOU want when you pack it, yeah,

and I'll pack it the way I want it when I pack it.

- TERRY: Don't crack it when we pack it. - That's it.

- (SINGS ALONG) - ? If camping's your propensity ?

? Come talk to us ?

? In-Tent-City. ?

(LAUGHS)

Chlo, here are your funny honey sandwiches made with love.

And of course, honey and bread.

Thanks, Dad.

Here is your bag.

You have the best day ever, OK?

Go get 'em, Chloe Butler.

Shit husband. Yeah?

Oh, you've... you've read the book.

Nah, not the book. Didn't know there was a book.

But I love the podcast.

That thing you said about chips being a vegetable, on the money!

(LAUGHS)

- Wow. - Yeah.

That's awesome. Um...

How would you like...

...a My Shit Husband T-shirt and hat?

Oh, seriously?

Thank you! I'll never take it off.

- Weddings, the beach, funerals... - WOMAN: Hello.

Oh, shit.

Excuse me, parents. Come on now.

You know the rules.

Parents aren't allowed to get out of their cars.

Brayden, I expected better from you.

Yeah, sorry, Luna.

I was actually just explaining to Greg about...

Bye.

- So you must be... - Luna.

Luna Keys.

New president of the Parents and Friends Committee.

Nice to meet you, Luna Keys.

I am... old parent Greg Butler.

My kids are...

I know who you are, Greg Butler.

You really should be across the new drop-off rule by now.

It's been a week.

Yeah, I thought we're allowed to get out of the car

but not go into the school?

The rules have changed.

You would have received an e-memo on PASH.

PASH?

The Parent and Student Hub?

The new online portal where we share information about everything that

happens at the school.

I'm sorry, my head's not quite across that.

Obviously I've had a fair bit on my plate recently.

Maybe if you spent more time on PASH

and less time on needless

and, dare I say, inappropriate self-promotion,

we wouldn't be having this conversation.

I'm sorry?

Just because you're a shit husband, Mr Butler,

doesn't mean you have to be a shit parent.

(CAR TOOTS)

- Yep. - Looks like they know the rules.

OK, sorry.

Right.

Rise and shine.

Oh, my gosh. Emily!

What are you doing? I have a student free day.

Yes, well, you're up now, Soph,

and I thought that I could help you with your job interview.

Job interview?

Yeah.

You know, at the cinema.

With Zane.

Mum, it's not a job interview.

It's just dropping off some form.

And why aren't you at work?

Um, I'm working from home today so you can have my undivided attention.

Lucky me.

No, Soph, I'm really glad you think so.

Whatever. You know...

I need a coffee before I can even deal.

You drink coffee?

Oh, let me guess.

A double shot macchiato with almond milk.

Yep. Coffee it is.

Thanks for buying me these new bedsheets, bro.

Oh, can't have you moving out of my house without the proper linen.

Wouldn't feel right.

My new crib's gonna be the bomb.

Inner-city vibes, yo.

New housemates, legit, fully lit.

Just waiting on Alessandro to give me a call

so I can pay the bond and pick up the keys.

Alright.

Oh, damn it!

Forgot to give Chloe her sports bag.

Chill, bro. It's all good.

No.

We're gonna have to go back to the school.

And you probably need to take off the hat.

(KIDS GIGGLE)

? If camping's your propensity ?

? Come talk to us ?

? In-Tent-City. ?

Such a bangin' jingle, dude.

Hang on a second.

Is that...?

- It is. - What?

That kid.

He's eating one of Chloe's funny honey sandwiches.

What's so funny about a sandwich?

Oh, is it the honey?

No, I wrote a joke on a post-it note and I stick it on top.

Why does he have them?

Maybe Chloe didn't like your joke.

That's ridiculous. Chloe loves my funny honey sandwiches.

He must be a bully.

And he stole the sandwiches off Chloe.

Hey, whoa, whoa, Papa Bear.

You can't just pick a fight with a bully.

Remember Leon Scalini?

The school excursion to the zoo?

Got your Tiny Teddies and he threw them into...

- Into the meerkat enclosure. - Yes, I remember.

- Yeah. And then he bashed ya. - OK. OK.

Just...

You're right.

Let's find Chloe first, make sure she's OK.

- We'll worry about him later. - Exactly.

So where do the cool cats hang these days?

Yeah.

Where did we hang?

Yes.

Just trying to think.

There she is.

What's she doing by herself?

Maybe she wet her pants.

It's happened to me a couple of times at uni.

Hey, Chlo.

Dad, what are you doing here?

I was just passing by, thought I'd pop in and hang.

Um, I don't think the teachers like people doing that.

Oh, you forgot your sports bag.

Oh, thanks.

Um, Chlo...

I saw a boy over there eating your lunch.

Your funny honey sandwiches.

Is everything OK?

Chloe, if that grade six boy is bullying you, you can tell me that.

No.

A crow took my lunch right out of my hand and flew away.

Probably dropped the sandwich and that kid must have picked it up

and eaten it.

Do you really think that's what's happened?

Happens all the time. That's how pandemics start.

If you're not being bullied, why are you sitting here all by yourself?

I'm not by myself.

Hannibal's here.

I know you think that you're just dropping off a form,

but you should be prepared.

I was born prepared.

OK, what's your favourite movie?

Zane isn't gonna ask me that.

But he might, and you need to have an answer ready to go.

And if you really want to impress you'll go with a classic.

Like Bridget Jones's Baby?

Or To Kill a Mockingbird.

I know you had to read that for school so you would have cheated

and seen the movie.

I don't actually need to know anything, Emily.

Lindsay says all she does all day is eat free Choc-Tops

and watch free movies.

It's gonna be the best job ever.

Oh!

Mum!

Just remember, Sophie, the dream job,

they don't always turn out to be as dreamy as you hope.

Yeah, thanks.

Let me know when your TED Talk is online.

- Can I escape now? - I'm meeting Ravi at the station.

Let me walk with you and then we can drill into

the whole psychology of a job interview on the way.

(PHONE BUZZES)

Oh, it's your father.

Just give me two minutes.

Hi, Greg.

Hey, listen, I've got to be quick because Sophie,

she's practically begging me to help her with a job interview.

Hey, a bully just stole Chloe's funny honey sandwiches.

That's awful.

Yeah. I found her playing in a sandpit all by herself.

She was like Tom Hanks in Cast Away.

But instead of a volleyball she had a turtle.

Was she upset?

Well, I mean, you know Chloe.

She's very good at hiding her emotions.

So she wasn't upset?

No, but I'm upset.

Maybe I should go find this bully and have a chat.

You know, man to man-child.

No, Greg, you really have to give the girl some space

to work these things out for themselves.

So maybe it is time to land your helicopter

- if you know what I'm saying. - (DOOR CLOSES)

Greg, I've got to go. Sophie's calling me.

Yeah, but Em, I just... (PHONE HANGS UP)

Sophie!

Sophie!

I'll let you know how I do, Emily.

Come back and open this door!

Sophie!

Oh!

So? What did Em say?

Well, she said, "You're the man.

"Go sort this shit out."

Did she really say that?

Hey, bro. Quick, get a selfie with me and the school principal.

No. No. No.

That's Luna.

That's the woman I've been telling you about.

Luna, with the mouth the size of Luna Park.

Huh.

Probably why her parents called her Luna.

Yeah, I doubt her parents trolled her at birth.

Mate, this is the woman who accused ME of needless self-promotion.

She's practically a Kardashian.

Quick. Give me the pen.

What are you signing up for?

(LAUGHS) This'll be funny.

This'll be funny.

- Greg! It's school property. - (LAUGHS)

Someone's gonna see.

Oh, give me that.

Gotta do glasses.

(LAUGHS)

- Glasses. Classic. - (CHUCKLES)

Yes!

Somebody needs a wax.

- Oh, make them bushy. - (SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

- Ooh, quick. - Let's go.

- Greg! - I've got to do the other eyebrow.

Come on!

Let's go!

You think it's weird that they make you physically hand in the form

instead of completing it online?

I dunno. Maybe Zane wants to check me out.

Oh, and I told Lindsay we'd meet her later at Nando's to celebrate.

- Can I help you? - Oh, yeah, hi.

My name's Sophie Butler.

I'm here to drop off a new employee form to Zane.

Oh, so you're here for a job interview.

Um...

Are you... are you Zane?

I closer resemble a piece of outdoor lounge furniture

than I do a Zane.

I'm Brian, the manager.

Please follow.

Yeah.

Definitely has more of a Brian vibe.

Cinema is a language that speaks about the future,

although the stories we tell our from the past.

That's Pedro Almodovar.

Yeah.

I mean, movies are pretty cool.

Yeah.

Why do you want to work here, Sophie Butler?

I mean, well, besides the free Choc-Tops?

Oh, sorry. I...

Someone told me you get free Choc-Tops.

Right.

Tell me, Sophie Butler, what's your favourite film?

Oh, I mean, well, there have been some good ones recently.

Anything with the Rock is pretty good.

Right.

Sophie, I'm not sure...

To Kill a Mockingbird.

Oh.

Oh, one of Mulligan's finest.

Gregory Peck as Atticus Finch, attorney at law.

(CHUCKLES)

Very good. Very good.

- (SCHOOL BELL RINGS) - Come on, darling.

Alessandro still hasn't called me back about the house.

Then again, you know what backpackers are like.

Alessandro's a backpacker?

Yeah, they're all backpackers. The whole household.

It's two Spaniards, an English dude, South African, couple of Germans.

There he is. That's him.

I never forget that bully boy's face.

What...

What do we have here?

Looks like the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Greg, remember Leon Scalini and the Tiny Teddies!

Greg! What if you get bashed again?

Looks like it's your turn to be the sh...

...stupid parent.

Excuse me?

Ignoring the fact that you got out of the car.

That's only the rule for drop-off.

You might want to teach your kid that stealing lunches

is not a nice thing to do.

You know what they say.

Kids learn this stuff at home.

OK, moonwalk aside, that was the coolest thing I've ever seen.

You totally burnt Lunatic.

Hey, please don't tell her I called her Lunatic.

If that gets back, they could rough me up pretty badly.

But... I'm with you all the way.

Dad!

Ah. Chlo.

Where'd you come from?

School.

- Of course. - (WHISTLE BLOWS)

Alright. Let's go.

(DOOR OPENS)

Soph?

No, it's Dad of the Year.

- As if that's even a thing. - (MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

Oh, here we go.

Looks like it's moving out time.

Alessandro, my man.

Hope you're ready to hang ten

because I'm ready to do some couch surfin'.

(WHISPERS) Couch?

What's that?

Oh... I was happy to pay the bond for everyone,

but I've never heard of a Boomer tax.

So because I'm over 30, I have to pay you $500?

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, yeah.

No, no.

I mean, I guess it makes sense.

No. Brad, Brad, Brad.

Hey, Alessandro, Brad doesn't need your couch.

Not now, not ever.

Adios.

Greg!

I'm sorry, I've had enough bullies for one day.

Where am I supposed to live now?

Oh, it's OK.

Greg will work something out. Greg?

Yeah. I'll think of something.

Guess I'll go put my normal clothes on, then.

"Clarence"?

- (DOORBELL RINGS) - Sophie!

Chloe!

Oh, hello.

Looks like somebody owes somebody an apology.

There's no reason why this needs to be awkward.

I agree.

Still feels pretty awkward, though, doesn't it?

Fine. I accept your apology.

- What? - You were holding Clarence's thermos.

You've been caught red-handed.

I don't know how Chloe got that thermos but it doesn't really matter.

When bigger boys like Clarence bully...

Clarence is not the bully.

(WHISPERS) He's the size of a small tree.

Yeah, and she's a little pot plant who's been bullying my son.

My daughter's not the bully here.

Clarence has homemade dumplings in a thermos for lunch.

He wouldn't give those up for crappy white bread sandwiches

in cling wrap.

My sandwiches aren't crappy.

They're my world famous funny honey sandwiches.

You're just another walking celebration of male mediocrity.

You think a basic sandwich deserves a Nobel sandwich prize?

As if that's even a thing.

Um, maybe we should let the kids tell us what happened.

Yeah? Well?

We decided to swap lunches.

Swap?

Sweetheart, is this true?

His sandwiches make me laugh.

I put a joke in the bag.

That's why they're called my funny honey sandwiches.

What do you do when someone rolls their eyes at you?

You roll them back.

Chloe?

Her dumplings are so juicy and I want to eat them all the time.

Oh, why didn't you just say something?

Because I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

And Clarence didn't want to hurt yours.

Sorry, Mum.

I guess if the kids want to swap their lunches,

that's their business.

Fine with me.

Maybe I could put a joke in your thermos.

Yeah, right.

I'll have you know some of the kids at school

think I'm quite the comedian.

Why else would they draw a Groucho Marx glasses

and moustache on my cut-out?

I'm a hoot.

Well, I'll see you out.

I read your book.

You're a very good writer.

Clear and concise.

I look forward to what you write next time

when you've got better material to work with.

Come on.

She's not too bad.

SOPHIE: I'm home!

It's about time. Sophie, where have you been?

And would it have killed you to send a message

like you promised you would?

Uh, how about, "Hey, Sophie. Did you get the job?"?

Ah, did you get the job?

Oh, Soph.

Of course I did.

That's my girl.

So, how was the interview?

And how was Zane?

Did he ask you lots of questions?

Uh, no. No, just dropped off the form and got the job.

Just like that? That's great.

Never in doubt.

Emily had doubts.

No, not doubts, Soph.

I mean, I just wanted you to be prepared

so you weren't disappointed that...

You know, just because Reese Witherspoon won't return your calls

doesn't mean you need to take it out on me.

Hey, Soph!

Come back here.

"Never stop dreaming."

Hm.

Check this out. Flat as a tack.

Oh, really?

You know, that's funny

because I thought I heard something pop just before.

I'm gonna have to send them all back to Taiwan.

Can't have my balls popping before they get to the beach.

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES, CRIES)

Oh, come on.

Don't worry about what Sophie said.

She's at a weird age.

Oh, they're all weird ages.

But actually, she's right.

So what if My Shit Husband didn't become Big Little Lies?

I've gotta stop dragging the chain

and I've gotta focus on my next book.

- There we go. - Hm.

Maybe it could be about a schoolmarm who's drunk with power.

Greg.

No, I'm OK with being your shit husband.

But being a shit parent?

I take that seriously.

So tomorrow I'm gonna go back to the school

and I'm gonna sign up for Luna's PASH committee.

Competitive much?

No, it's not about that.

I should get involved. It's what... It's what good parents do.

BRAD: Hey, bro.

Loving the new digs.

- (BOTH SING) - ? If camping's your propensity ?

? Come talk to us ?

? In-Tent-City. ?

(CHUCKLES)

Sponsor.

(LAUGHS)

(DOG BARKS IN THE DISTANCE)

Tez! Hurry up!

I don't want Em to see us.

She checks this thing four times a day.

But there's a book here on antelopes.

Oh. Well, bring them both.

Great.

Let's get home.

Let's go.

I feel another Spanish rickshaw coming on.

To your second book.

Bedazzle me!

So did Audrey like any of your ideas?

She hated all of them.

Instead, she wants me to ghost-write some stupid sports autobiography.

Whose autobiography?

Adam Gilchrist!

- Meet Emily Butler. - G'day.

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