Original subtitles

======================= Credits: jean1987 Fix or feedback: please let me know truc1979@laposte.net =======================

Stop that, stop that, and come out from there.

Come on, what are you? Some kind of girl or something.

By saving a big rat right there.

Sam: Over where? Over there.

Sam: Over where? Over here.

Listen you don't want me come over there.

Over where? Sam: That's enough of that.

Stop picking on me Sam, you know how temperamental I get.

Yeah, 5% temper and 95% mental.

Oh yeah. Sam: Yeah.

Get the phone, get the phone, come on

get the phone you nickel head, answer that.

"Flywheel Wagstaff Private Detectives", we've have an eye out for you.

Divorce evidence manufactured on request.

Roscoe: You don't say.

You don't say.

You don't say. Sam: What'd he say?

- He didn't say. - Give me that.

Hello, Sam Flywheel here. What can I help you with?

What, say there's been a murder

and there's the body found, on 'taikon the rubber street'.

How do you spell "taikon arogan"?

Oh you don't know either.

I tell you what, drag the body down the first street and call me back.

Come on in.

Sam: Hi 'Tits', what can we do you for?

I'm looking for the two famous private detectives

Sam Flywheel and Roscoe Wagstaff.

Sam: Well that's us, you found us, come on in there.

Hey give the way to your sit, get up there.

Go on, go on, go on... Have a sit right over here.

So...

Are you two as good, as the paper say?

Are you kidding Lady!

He's got more talent in his entire body, then you got in your little finger.

Come over here.

What? Sam: Come over here.

You see this, there's one to another one.

Now go sit down.

Gentleman!

Roscoe: Somebody come in?

'Tits': I need your help.

Sam: Sit down, keep your shirt on. Lets hear it.

My name is Joan McTavish and a month ago my grandfather

Lord Angus McAngus has passed away.

He left my sister Patty and I property in Scotland.

I got property in Las Vegas. You know that?

What property do you have in Las Vegas?

Caesar's palace has my luggage.

Come over here. Roscoe: What?

Come over here. Roscoe: You ain't gonna hit me, are you?

- No, no, no. - Are you sure?

Stereo, go sit down.

Gentlemen, please...

You keep your skirt on, please.

Go on.

What you see

according to my grandfather's will

if my sister doesn't sign the proper documents

to transfer the title of the castle to her name

within the next 48 hours.

The title will be transferred to my evil uncle

and his wicked wife.

The Earl and Lady McAngus.

So what seems to be the problem?

When I phoned the castle this morning to see

If my sister had signed the papers.

My evil uncle's attorney had told me

the family hasn't seen her in weeks.

- And well - Yes

'Tits': Well I... Sam & Roscoe: Yes, yes...

'Tits': Well I suspect. Sam & Roscoe: Yes, yes, yes...

- Well I suspect... foul play. - No...

The next thing you know, you're gonna be telling us you suspect murder.

Easy, easy, hey...

Well, yes, even murder.

That's why I'm in dire straits gentlemen.

I need your help.

Get the door, come on be useful get that door.

Sam: Get the door...

Oh, Hi Chicks come on in.

I tell you, you look like somebody that I hate.

Sam: Hey, hey come on, listen sit down over there.

Park it over there, believe me someone will be right on top of you.

I mean right with you.

Sam: Now listen, you don't I've to worry about this.

Because this case is good at solved.

And you, I'm gonna take the Lady here and we're go down

and get some disguises, so we blend in with the natives.

That's a good thinking Sam.

Yeah and I'll tell you what.

I'm also gonna get us, the best transportation our money can buy.

Okay Sammy there's anything I can do?

I want you to go help that Lady over there.

And also mind your own p's and q's. Go on.

- Them maybe over there. - Yeah over there.

Ok, Samuel you can count on me.

That's what I'm afraid off.

Ok, what can we do you for.

- Well, I think my husband's cheating. - Ooh, no, no the husband cheating case.

- What? - Nothing.

Okay, I got to take some information. What's your last name?

Chick.

- What's your first name? - Slick.

Oh, Slick Chick, I get it.

So what make you think your husband is cheating on you?

He hasn't touch this in mouth.

So, how come you haven't tried forcing yourself on him.

You mean like this.

Don't go anywhere.

Fuck me harder.

I'm trying

I don't know Sam, this place it's kind spooky.

Nah, don't worried about kid,

Looks like a great place to kill 90 minutes.

All dress up like a well kept grave.

You almost stepped on him.

That would've been murder.

- Murder! - Get off.

Listen you're ok... there you go.

Is the Earl and Lady, expecting you?

Yes, yes you can... tell them...

that the long lost cousins, have arrived.

Those who enter, enter at their only risk.

Hum, it's good.

Go on, go on.

Stay!!!

Here you go kid, here you go.

Hey what a joint here.

Realised form my days the reform school.

All aboard train leaving to 'Azuzar', and I'm accompanying all aboard.

Idiot... this is a castle not a train station

How about another, oh my sweet.

It's Benson my lord.

Come right in my good man

There are guests who wish to see you sir.

They say they are cousins of the McAngus clan.

Isn't always the case.

Just when you get to the best part. Interruptions, always interruptions.

- My apologies, my bunny laughs. - That alright my sweet.

Show them to the McAngus family room.

Tell them at the present, I'm all tied up

but I'll join them, shortly.

Very good sir.

- Hello, help, hello. - Hey, hey, put that down.

This could be expense stuff, you know, don't touch anything.

Hey Sam, I heard... was like... ghost in castles.

Nah, nonsense kid.

Dont't you worried about it. You got nothing to fear here.

Your Earl, see you presently.

You shall wait in the McAngus room.

It's the family room...

Follow me.

- Hey Sam, is my slip showing? - I don't know let me check.

Now go on, go on, go on, you... you idiot.

Go on.

Wait here.

Hey Sam is this a clue, what's this?

What you, put this down you idiot.

God, listen what the hell where you, before you were a private detective.

- I was a "momback". - What the hell is a "momback"?

One of the guys who stands behind the trucks says...

- "momback", "momback". - Stupid.

Listen, let me speak and , let me speak and ...

Hey Sam look at this, look here.

Don't drink that.

It's raining.

I don't feels so good.

Come over here, come over here.

Gentleman the Earl and Lady McAngus.

So lads.

You're true McAngus Scotsman are you.

It's a black moon, nac, nac tonight.

Nac, dead tonight... tomorrow to.

Let me introduce myself

I'm McSam and this is my McRoscoe.

- Hi Mc. - Hi you Mc.

Nice to meet you Mc. nice to...

Meet the Lady McAngus.

And Albert Frankenstein.

Is an exchange student from Transylvania.

And my niece.

So, 'Lassie'. What might your name... sorry.

What might your name be?

You might have heard of it, it's Lorna Doone.

Hi Lorna, how're you doing?

You've a bit of a strange accent for a Scotsman, don't you?

Hum... well where from Southern Scotland.

Yah, below the McMason, McDixon line.

So, what do we owe this, fine visit.

Well we're here, on a quest.

A quest and search of a long-lost cousin, Patty McTavish.

Oh yes, sweet little Patty.

Whatever did happen to Patty?

Earl McAngus: Hi, it's was a mystery to us.

The last we saw of poor Patty, she went out

to fetch her bottle of scotch and some batteries for her vibrator.

It was a mystery indeed.

Some say it's for the ghosts.

But we don't believe in such superstitions, do we lads?

Easy, easy, easy... Easy, easy, I know...

I just, you wouldn't mind

if we happen to search out this joint thing.

I mean , I guess your wouldn't mind

if McRoscoe and myself, happen to check out this castle.

As a matter of fact lads...

Lorna here, would give you the grand tour.

Come with me lads.

Come on, come on.

I smell a bogus McAngus.

In fact I smell two of them.

I don't like this my dear.

We've only 48 hours until the castle is ours

And I don't want those two bungleling fools ruin for us.

Benson, call the family lawyers straight away.

- Tell him, to come here immediately. - Yes my Lord.

Don't worry my Lady, I've a plan.

You always do.

This is the McAngus castle, it as been standing for 700 years

but they firm hand, of the McAngus ruling within

but this lads, their has being 50 generations of McAngusus

leaving and dying within these walls.

Well, why even my great-grandfather

murdered himself, by hanging from the chandelier.

In the 13th century.

Catherine McAngus, beheaded by her husband Henry.

There has been a McAngus here, through the dark ages

there has been, a McAngus here through the crusades

and when Columbus was finding the new world

there was a McAngus here

and through the two great wars, there was also a McAngus here.

I guess, you could say, there is a McAngus among us.

Shut up

But now, my grandfather has done the unspeakable.

He has left the McAngus castle, to a McTavish, in his own will.

Which has brought upon the wrath, of 15 generations

of ghosts of the McAngus upon the castle.

Lads, be afraid, be very afraid.

- I'm scared Sam. - Hey listen, come on.

What are you superstitious? Come on.

What're you, a man or a mouse?

Put a piece of cheese on the floor and find out.

Wait a minute... wait a minute. Where she go?

Oh great...

Listen.

Come with me, come with me.

Don't go... This way, this way, come on.

If you don't mind.

I think I retired to study my great-grandfathers experiments.

Not at all lad, not at all, not at all.

Goodnight then.

Go on, go on.

- Hey Seamus, is this a clue? - No, it's not a clue.

This is... mini bone dog biscuits.

Oh sure, looks like lunch to me.

Hey, hey, hey, don't eat that.

- Why ? - That's not for human consumption.

Oh no, no again.

- Who Is that? - It's ok kiddo.

It's probably... the call of the wolf.

Well I can do that.

- What're you talking about? - You know.

Hey baby.

Yeah I'll tell you...

Now get out of here. I want to check this out.

Now, come here kid, get me your hand.

And quit your shoving, come on.

Hey.

When was the last time you shave?

What about a dentist?

Man, I got two words for you with that breath, tic tac...

Kid, kid, quick come here.

Listen, it's ok, it's ok listen. That crazy man....

We've to go down and warn the others ok.

Come here. Sam & Roscoe: Mad dog, mad dog...

Well Earl, I think you've been a bit too worried.

These documents show you the castle and all of its contents

to be legally yours, after 24 hours

and that's due to a default on the part of this Patty McTavish.

Do you think, she'll still be missing tomorrow?

You can count on it.

Ok, you can do with your... McAngus impersonated.

how *** you like, have a little importance to us

Mad dog, mad dog.

I'm telling you at all.

It was scary, it was hairy, it had sharp hard teeth.

I think these lads have had a wee too bit much scotch.

My lord.

Yes Benson.

The Constable Rain, he says that the bridge

connect the road to village, they washed away.

So I'm afraid nobody will be leaving tonight.

- Ah Sam - it's ok.

How strange bit of events it is. Some which call it a curse.

Others which call it, coincidence.

However enough talk, it's getting late.

Benson's show these lads to their rooms now.

Yes my lord.

McFleecem [lawyer]: Do you think it's wise

that you let them spend the night here.

A lot can happen before the sun rises

over the bonny bay.

Lorna... show McFleecem into his room now.

No, not this...

Where do you go? Go ahead.

You find these very comfortable on a cold clammy wind blows

over the moors, like a lost soul.

- Easy, easy. - Good night.

And if you need anything just wail

Just wail like a lost soul Sam.

I don't want go sleep anymore.

Now put this, this... come on.

You know Lorna, these shady dealings

that I'm gonna to take for your family

could cause me, to lose my license to practice law.

I understand the risks that you're taking

but we are very grateful.

Well could you show me, some of that gratitude my bonnie lass.

I think I can.

Oh my!

You're something, something of a wild one aren't you?

My that's good.

Here darling, hold that for me.

Gentle you can't hurt this old liar.

Bad girl aren't you?

See you like that...

Bad girl aren't you?

Oh my lord, I never seen a site like that before in my life.

Lean back, let me put it...

Like a deep crevasse, you just buried it into, isn't it

Oh, look at them, at the bottom.

Look at me

and slide the thing all the way down your throat

as far as you can.

Show me your eyes.

Oh, I'm coming after you.

Lorna: It's so fucking good. McFleecem: Oh, your pussy feels...

McFleecem: Feels so fine. Lorna: Nice and tight.

Yes indeed.

Don't make it come yet.

Slide it into me.

Just grind it over my cock like that.

Grind it and rub it.

Oh, I can feel tight around me

Don't make me come yet.

McFleecem: Spread your legs around and spank it.

Oh darling.

Suck it I never seen a more beautiful site my life

McFleecem: Look at it close like a little butterfly.

Come all over face

Look at my cunt.

McFleecem: Turn over now.

Fuck my tits

Do you want to fuck them.

Come in my face you can do that.

McFleecem: You want it, you want it Lorna.

You're a wild one.

The moon is full

and the spirits of the McAngus clan...

Yes and you're a vision of loveliness my Lass.

Take me quickly and with your usual force full manner.

- Excuse-me my lord. - Yes, what is it Benson?

The guest have retired for the evening.

Do you need anything else?

Benson.

Yes my lord.

Very well.

Suck my dick, Lass.

Your turn Benson give it to her.

Hi Benson, you take the higher road and I'll take the low road.

Oh your ass...

oh feels good, feels so good.

Kid, kid

Come here.

- What? - Do you see that?

No

No neither do I.

Well go on, wake up and go back to sleep.

- What the hell was that? - A termite?

Termite come on let's go investigated.

I don't know Sam. I'm feeling kind of edgy, I need to take something for my nerves

- Oh, like what kid? - Like a trip home.

Hey, hey, come on. Listen...

Tell you what, why you go ahead take this gun.

That'll give you protection.

Oh I'm sorry Sam. Are you ok Sam?

- Sam are you ok? - I'm ok kid.

Yes, stupid. Now, go on, go on.

Now let me get this.

And you, you stay behind.

Let's begin.

Ok, here we go. Little bit of this.

Oh that's enough.

A little bit of blood.

Alright, give me.

Little bit of body fluid.

I don't know where, that came from.

I'm missing something. I'm missing something.

Don't move.

Thank you. Here we go.

Failure, no, dam it.

Fuck, God damn it!, failure.

What kind of shampoo you're using anyway?

I think I put a little too much deoxyribonucleic acid

Doctor, are you ok?

Well, what's this face tell you? Nurse: I'd say you're a little upset.

Ulcerated, unhappy, unnerved.

Anything starting with "un", that's me right now.

I'm furious.

You know, let me tell you something .

We can't finish this experiment, if we don't find the brains of an idiot.

Now, where am I gonna find the brain, of a real moronic type.

- Hey kid. - What?

- Give me that. - Oh, I'm sorry Sam.

Listen you're always causing accidents, you

Come here. Sit down.

And you wait right there. I'm gonna go check out this place.

I'm scared Sam.

I tell you what kid.

I know how about this.

Whenever you get scared, all you've to do,

is say "oh Sam" and I'll come around, ok...

- Oh Sam. - What's it.

- What took so long? - What're you talking about it.

I got here just when you said "Oh Sam".

You should been here, between the yield and "the Sam".

You just sit there and mind your own business.

And don't be calling out my name, unless you really need me.

- Oh Sammm... - What's it?

Are you trying to tell me, that candle moved.

You're an idiot my friend. You know...

If you had known yesterday, what you know today.

You had been an idiot then to.

Are you listen? Are you, are you listen, hey...

Listen, get out of here, get out of here, go sit right here.

Right here, right here, sit down.

- Right here? - Right there, sit down.

And listen, I don't want to call my name anymore.

You sit here and mine your own...

Always picking on me?

When there's a vacation, go to Scotland.

Meets, some Duke Rose or some kind of basis

something like that. No, he's got to a haunted castle.

This is another fine mess I've got myself into.

- Water... water.

Nurse you heard the man, he wants some water.

Roscoe: Water Nurse: Sorry Dr.

Here you go. shut up, you're boring.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Interesting specimen we got here.

Where did you get that kilt? The Axel Rose wardrobe department.

Give me a little reggae.

Dr., will he work for your experiment?

A strong possibilities I think he will.

In fact...

last time I saw a head like that like that,

it was floating in a bottle from formaldehyde

Nurse: One second. Dr: Behave.

Here, here take it.

No, no, no... his temperature is dropping

down his throat.

That ain't gonna work. Let me see here.

Oh, well a think his pulse.

Hum, maybe is dead and my watch stopped.

This thing isn't working. What we got in here?

Stop looking at me when I look at you.

You making me nervous. This isn't a peep show

No, no, I can't tell.

What is this, uh...

What is this fungus you've over here.

- That some fungus, doc. - Well I'm not a great deal, no, no.

Dr I think you're making a mistake, that's, that's, his head.

And this his head then he's making a mistake.

Well all on all.

A nice piece of blubber. Does your face hurt?

- No - it's killing me.

This condition you've, is it painful?

Well, Sam hit me on the nose last week.

I think he broken a bone in my nose.

What is he saying?

He said he has a bone in his nose.

Well he must be member of the *** tribe, so give me a hammer

and I'll banging the bone out of his nose.

It's... hammer time.

Stop.

- Why? - You can't touch this.

- What? - Get some water on my knee.

Hum, hold the hammer.

It's fucking.

Oh well, I've just... Bring out your leg, ok.

This won't hurt, too much.

- Thank you. - Oh, you're welcome.

Glad to make you feel better. Nurse, come here, now.

You see with he, the line over here.

All right, of the dopamine fluid here

on the hypothalamus adrenal cortex

goes up here

and the basal ganglia of the brain

this allows him along with this cortex *** over here

for 1% mentality.

- Is that bad? - Well scientifically speaking.

He's the perfect moron.

That's wonderful.

Son you're gonna help us to make medical history.

Me...

Ain't got the brains for it.

- Oh yes you do. - You see your brain

is the perfect need for our experiment.

You've the perfect dimensions, the perfect mentality

and most important you're perfectly compatible

with our ape right over there

- Him, that big chimney sweeps. - How many apes do you see here?

You ain't gonna do it, you ain't gonna make a monkey out of me.

Switch up of brains. You're crazy.

Besides, I hate bananas.

Unfortunately young man you don't any choice in this matter.

Ah quick invigorating.

You have a fine body-butt, you do.

My lord I think it will time for me to leave, ok.

A grand idea lad.

I think I'll have a wee sniff of scotch and do the same.

Will you be joining me my Lady.

No I don't think so my dearest.

I think I'll do a bit of reading first. Girl things you know.

Witch is spells look.

Will you be careful my Lass. There's a full moon over the

moors tonight.

I'll be all manner of gremlins and pixies causing mischief.

I shall hear your warning my dearest.

You horny little mutt

Could you, stop it, stop that.

Get a *** something at least, do it the right way, not on my leg.

Christ, sit down, calm down, calm down.

Calm down.

It's so cute, the little doggy is carrying home bone.

You like that? Do you feel good?

Now wait,

why don't you...

...do me like a doggy? ok?

Oh, hi, remember me, I use to be the star, in this picture.

Now, I got no sex, no fun

And soon, to have, no agent mother fucker.

Oh Lorna, telling me the things, I've been waiting to hear

said them soon, said them loud and say them proud

for, I can't wait no more.

- Excuse me. - Lorna, what're you doing.

Did someone get the license plate, of the truck that hit me.

What the hell is in here?

Tools !!!

Eureka, success, a way out.

In here.

Lorna, good you're here, yeah.

Put on a smock, prepare yourself for medical history.

Hi, tits.

Oh, you again.

Yes, this lad over here, is gonna help us with our experiment.

So, let's get started.

Hey, wait a minute, aren't suppose to give me some ether or something?

Ether, want to be put to sleep?

I don't think so.

You aren't getting, any of that, believe me.

Oh, don't drink that, don't lap, don't ingest it's poison, what are you nuts?

Besides, it's $14.000, a bottle.

You'll pay for that. Now, to prepare Congo.

Congo, this one is gonna hurt, a little bit ok, steady, steady...

God damn it, where's Albert Frankenstein?

His purpose, is to assist me, in my experiment, where's at?

Well, you might find him out, in the garden, howling at the moon.

That's great.

While, he's out howling at the moon, I'm gonna go, find him.

And you two, just keep an eye, on the imbecile over there, ok.

Loving one of your own, by the way, I'll *** with that.

I'm getting really tired, of his insane experiments.

I wish, (Dr.) Heimlich would, experiments on me, a little.

That's a good plan sister, then you turn me a loose.

Shut up.

Oh, why would you want him, to experiment on you?

Well, I don't mean, in that way, I mean

Well, you know.

I know.

The girls: Shut up.

Let me examine what you have out of there

***

Get on your hands and knees

Oh, my god.

I leave you two along, for 27 minutes

two positions, two fake orgasms later

and this is how I find you, now pull yourselves together.

Euh, pu, whatever, something like that.

I'm sorry Dr.

Dr.: Albert, *** that savage beast.

I can guarantee in the next sequel

and my contract I'm going to have

a chainsaw for these type of things.

Ok, sponge.

Not that today, sponge... Great, now my hand is gonna fall a sleep.

Scalpel.

Dr. It seems that, all of our tools are missing.

Oh, well my main tools is right here, thank you very much.

Look, I'm sick and tired of having, to be surround

by a competent fools, like yourselves.

I've never been so insulted.

- It's still early yet. - Shut up.

He said it and not me.

Enough of this foolishness, look I'm not gonna get

my brain transplant, ever done at this pace.

Well Lorna, I like you, to assist me, in finding my tools.

Why me?

Why, because I don't want to leave and then come back

and find another, shameless display

of a sex scene, upon my return.

Come on.

I'll take the high road, and you take the low road.

Oh no, not that, stupid joke again.

They get worse.

Albert.

Don't you get, you can do something, about this.

It's much better.

You know.

There's something about you.

Animal magnetism, I don't know.

You think so?

I do.

Oh, Albert.

Oh, ***.

Not again.

Oh, this is good.

So tell them maybe something in our minds.

there we go, oh it's you.

Ah, it's like, my predicament, I'm screwed.

Oh boy, watching sex, sure makes me hungry.

Oh, a meal.

Worst divorce.

Oh no..., not again.

My tools have gotta be in here.

Congo, what are doing out of the closet.

He's gay you no.

I'm not your, I'm not your type, put me down.

I'm gonna teach, that big ape and I swear.

Just as soon I... as soon I

regain consciousness.

I got one Sam, Sam I got one of them.

Ain't dead Sam, Saammm.

Porcupine.

Sam I got one of them, he was, he was ten feet tall

and *** and, and he had hair like

What did you use?

This, that.

The club.

- You use this right here, - Yeah.

You use this right here.

You nickel head, that was me underneath their.

- Eh Sam, Sam there's ghost *** Sam. - No such things as ghost.

Come on, come on, come on, get up, get up.

Easy, easy, in your room, give that.

No, get, come here, come here, get

It's the girl, it's the girl, success, success yes.

There she is, I got it.

Go on, go on, untie, untie.

This is great, now, now, she can sign the papers

which will turn the castle deed over to her and her sister.

And then all ***

I know Sam, I been been here all day.

I knew that, this is *** came in half way through the picture

your nickel head.

Who are you guys?

Well let me introduce myself.

My name is Sam Flywheel, this is my partner Roscoe.

We're private detectives, we're hired by your sister

to come and save you

time is running short.

Yeah let's make like a Shepherd and get the flock out of here

Ok wait a minute, wait, wait...

Ok, come on.

The Lady first, the Lady.

Now go on, come on, come on, listen wait right there.

Care for some refreshment, cousin?

Or perhaps you would like to just, stick around.

Wait, wait, wait.

Would you care for a little head, before you go.

Hey look it's the crazy Damon and the mad dog.

Wolf your idiots.

I'm a God damn wolf.

This one will open right here.

Hi you lads, I'm red. Naaaa.

Great schelts. Listen I've just about enough of Scotland.

If isn't Scottish, they aren't grate, here catch.

Come on.

Oh, let me out of here.