Original subtitles

(flies buzzing)

(legs rasping)

(legs rasping)

(legs rasping)

(cheese rumbling)

(fly vocalizing)

(fly vocalizing)

(legs rasping)

(legs rasping)

(fly chomping)

(fly retches)

(flies slurping)

(coin rattling)

(jazzy rock music)

♪ Hey, Joe, what do ya know ♪

♪ Your hair's a masterpiece ♪

♪ How do you keep it shiny ♪

♪ Why, I use bacon grease ♪

♪ You know, Gina's absent ♪

♪ I heard she stayed in bed ♪

♪ I guess she didn't feel like coming ♪

♪ She sent her wig instead ♪

♪ Buzz cuts, crew cuts, they don't rate ♪

♪ You need a pomp or a beehive to ♪

- [Buttercup] Well, screw you, I'm thirsty.

(singers vocalizing)

What do you have to drink?

I'm so parched I could drink Echo Lake dry.

- Buttercup, we're late.

We don't have time for a drink.

I spend my whole life waiting for you.

- We've only been going steady for a year!

So go by yourself.

- [Wally] So maybe I will.

- [Buttercup] Hmm, I think I'll have the, um--

- Oh, Buttercup, come on.

- [Buttercup] Gosh, let's see.

(fingers thumping)

I'll have, I want a cherry cola.

♪ He's more than a jock ♪

♪ He don't need a helmet, his hair is like a rock ♪

♪ Whoo ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪

- (screeches) Those flies, they're having sex! (screams)

(flies splat) - You, you killed my flies.

They were just young lovers, like Cherri and Spud.

Cherry (sniffs) and Spud.

- Let's get out of here, Buttercup.

This guy's nuts.

He names his flies.

- Well, I think that's cute.

- Screw you, I'm outta here, and I'm taking

your corsage. (Buttercup bawling)

- [JoJo] Hold on there, bucko. - Hey, you, leave my boyfriend alone,

you, you, you!

- Wait, there's a story you two need to hear.

It's about a couple kinda like you two kids.

(cheerful rockabilly music)

It's a tale of the prom, of love,

of Cherri and Spud. (bell clanging)

♪ Two young lovers, no moon above ♪

♪ Driving to the prom to pledge their love ♪

(crowd chattering)

♪ He parked on the hillside to give her his ring ♪

♪ For she was his queen ♪ (motorcycle rumbling)

♪ And he was her king ♪

♪ As he bent down to kiss her, he released the brake ♪

♪ The car slid back toward Echo Lake ♪

♪ Why did they do it, why didn't they wait ♪

♪ They were lost in a kiss ♪

♪ On their final date ♪ - Stop!

♪ There was no one to see ♪

♪ Not a soul around ♪ (crowd screaming)

♪ As the car descended and and the lovers drowned ♪

(tires screeching) (engine roaring)

♪ Every June on prom night in their watery hearse ♪

♪ They head for the dance to deliver their curse ♪

♪ Ever since that night, no one dares ♪

♪ To claim the crown that shoulda been theirs ♪

(soaring choir music) ♪ Ave ♪

♪ Maria ♪ (crowd chattering)

(Darlene laughs)

(singing in foreign language)

- [Crowd] Ah!

(Cherri sniffs)

(wind whistling)

(crowd chattering)

- [Rod] Thank you, thank you.

(man whispers)

(gulps) - Shh!

Shut up, you!

- Cherri and I would like to welcome you all

to the first day of school.

Hey, Cherri, are those pencils in your bra

or are you just happy to see me? (laughs)

(toothpick boings)

(both laughing)

(all laughing)

But seriously, it's great to be back and--

(engine humming) (cheerful rockabilly music)

(singers whistling) (singers vocalizing)

(screams) (tires screeching)

(singers whistling) (singers vocalizing)

(bumper clangs)

(Rod growls)

(crowd clamoring)

(suspenseful music) - Huh, wuh, uh, uh, uh,

I was driving, very happy.

Driving, wave to the crowd, further along there's (screams).

I didn't see it there, you know.

(ominous music)

- Let me at him, Rod, I'll strip his gears. - No, Zip, butt out.

- [Principal] All right students, quit your roughhousing

and come to class.

- It's the first day of school

and I wanna start the year off right.

- Yeah, with a big fight.

- Come on, let's go. - Yeah, you wanna--

(hair boings) (crowd chattering)

(Rod laughs)

(hair snaps) (Dwayne and Zip laughing)

(crowd laughing)

(glass clattering)

- [Rod] Hmm.

(footsteps booming)

(engine rumbles)

(flames whooshing)

(tires screeching) (metal clanking)

(upbeat rockabilly music)

(intercom hisses) - Alright, misters and misses,

please calm down and report to class.

(intercom hisses)

(electricity zaps)

(students chattering faintly)

- (coughs) Hmm, now then, students,

let me show you (coughs) the joys of biology (laughs).

(static hissing)

Watch closely now. (laughs)

(electricity zapping)

Okay, who's next?

Don't worry, he's dead.

- Oh, no, not me. - Oh, not me.

No, no, (laughs). - No way.

- Oh, no! - It's too slimy.

- [Snerz] Here, you try it, Zip.

- Wow, you, you really mean it, Mr. Snerz?

(electricity zapping)

Golly, it's like Christmas and my birthday rolled into one!

So are these his sex organs, Mr. Snerz?

- Ew! (electricity zapping)

(singers vocalizing)

(laughs) (frog screeching)

♪ Ooh ♪ (frog thudding)

♪ Ooh ♪ (frog croaks)

(door squeaks)

- Is this biology class, Mr., er, Snerz?

- Obviously.

(electricity zapping) (frog croaks)

What's your name? - Ah, you're ruining

my nails! (sobs) - Uh, hi, my name's--

(frog splats) Argh, ooh (coughs),

ooh, ooh (sputters).

(mumbles) Spud (mumbles) kid in class.

- Please enunciate more clearly.

- (smacks) I'm Spud, the uh--

(student gasps) - The new kid in class.

- [Snerz] Bring me that frog.

(electricity zapping)

(electricity zapping) - Ah, crikeys!

(frog splats)

- Sit over there next to Cherri.

Don't be shy.

(whimsical guitar music)

(Spud grunts)

- Hmmph!

- Now class (clears throat), the frog's reaction. (wheezes) Why?

(cigarette crackles)

Somebody (coughs), anybody, mm.

(Zip gibbering) Yes, Zip.

- He was a horny toad (laughs).

(class laughing)

- Okay, class, what do we call it

when an organism is dead yet comes to life, Cherri?

(hairspray hisses) (crowd cheering)

(whistle shrieks) (singers vocalizing) - Uh-uh-uh.

- I'm still waiting, Cherri, mm.

- Study. - Yes, Cherri,

we should all study (laughs).

(class laughing)

- (whispers) Cherri.

- The new kid was rude to Cherri.

- He insulted Cherri's honor.

(intercom hisses) - Attention, attention.

This is your principal speaking.

The new kid was rude to our Cherri.

(students shouting) - Rude kid!

- There's the rude kid! - Rude kid, rude kid,

rude kid, rude kid! - He's got some nerve.

(heartbeat thumping) (footsteps tapping)

(singers vocalizing breathlessly)

♪ New kid is a rude kid, new kid is a rude kid ♪

♪ New kid is a rude kid, new kid is a rude kid ♪

(frantic piano and drum music)

(big band music) (singers vocalizing)

(feet screeching)

(intercom hisses) - Spud.

(Spud screams) You're wanted

in the principal's office now.

(Spud grunting)

(screams)

(lipstick squelching)

(brush rasping)

- [Darlene] So are you ready for the big exam tomorrow?

- All set. (hairspray hisses)

I'm wearing my tight orange dress with a yellow sweater. (singers vocalizing breathlessly)

(girls screaming) - It's a boy!

(hairspray hissing) (Spud shouting)

- We're comin' in! (laughs)

- Okay.

- [Zip] No, Darlene, it's me, Zip!

(flame whooshes) - Yeah (laughs),

I know. - Ooh! (groans)

(gulps) (steam crackling)

(Spud shouts)

(Spud thuds)

(glass clatters) - Ah!

(Zip laughing)

(Dwayne laughing)

- What's your name, rude boy?

- Uh, uh, Spud.

- (laughs) Spud, let's mash him.

- (laughs) Let's french fry him (laughs).

- Hey, tuber turd, I hear you're causing trouble.

I hear you been passing notes to my Cherri in class,

and I thought you were supposed to be so smart.

Remember this? (Spud gulping)

Well, it stinks.

You know, dork, you've made me mad.

Not just mad, but really mad.

I know, I'll make you Cherri's personal slave.

You like that idea, Cherri?

- Well, remember what happened to the last one.

- Shh, shh, shh, shh, you know that was an accident.

But don't think about falling in love with Cherri.

Actually, you know what, I hope you do fall for her.

I pray you fall in love with her, know why?

'Cause if I even see a hint of affection,

know what I'm gonna do, towhead?

- (clears throat) What, no, what?

- [Rod] Come here, Zip.

(Zip laughs)

This is you, Spuddy boy.

(somber music) - Gosh, Rod,

you're a regular Rembrandt.

- I'm gonna do this.

(finger crunching)

- Then what, Rod? (laughs)

(singers vocalizing) (finger crunching)

- Oh, oh, stop, oh, please stop, please stop!

Oh, please stop, ow, oh!

- And this. - Oh, ow, oh!

- But most fun.

- Yeah, I like fun! (laughs)

- Would be this. (blood sloshes)

- Ow, ow, oh, oh, the pain, oh, the pain, the pain, oh, oh!

- (laughs) This sure is fun (laughs).

- The pain, no, ow, boy, this is unbearable, ow, ow!

(clock ticking)

(bell dings)

(Zip screams)

- Let that be a lesson to you, pipsqueak.

Fall in love with Cherri and that could be you.

- Say, Rod (laughs), could, could you pop off

my other fingernail? (laughs)

(bell dings)

(students chattering)

- Cherri, I, I'm just a new kid in school.

I don't, I don't know any of the rules,

so what do you say?

Can we just be friends?

(discordant piano music)

(jazzy music) (singers vocalizing)

♪ Ooh ♪ (ominous music)

- Okay, okay, I'll be your servant,

but, but just for a few days, right?

Then we'll forget this whole mess

ever happened, okay, Cherri?

(gulps) God (mumbles), I really hate you.

- [Cherri] That's Miss Cherri to you, slave.

(wings flapping)

(bluesy rock music)

(breath whooshes)

(spits)

(handkerchief squeaking)

(electronic chimes clanging)

(electronic chimes clanging)

(Spud groaning) (spine creaking)

- Ow, ow!

Eeh! (hairspray hissing)

(breath whooshing)

(tire rumbling)

- (sputtering) Ah!

(water sloshing) (dramatic music)

(Cherri screaming)

(cement cracking)

(wind whooshing)

(breezy tropical music)

(intercom hisses) - Attention.

This is your principal speaking.

Remember there are still tickets available for the prom,

and for you fellas out there, my daughter Melody,

still dateless, and the braces come off

two weeks before the big dance.

(books thud) - Daddy!

(upbeat rockabilly music)

(students laughing)

(blowing raspberries)

(tongue sloshing) (students laughing)

(Cherri shrieks)

(skin snaps)

(horn honking)

(students laughing)

(horn honking)

- Argh! (gasps)

(gulps)

(smoke hisses)

Ah! (coughs)

(groaning)

(coughing)

Ah! (gurgling)

(muffled groaning)

(coughing)

(groaning)

(croaking)

(wheezing) Blergh!

(thuds) Eh (gasps).

(retches) (guts squelching)

(wind whooshing softly) (heartbeat thumping)

(students screaming)

(smoke hisses)

- Don't panic, if we all work together,

I, I'm sure he'll be fine.

Can I get some help please, guys, huh?

(guts squelching)

(Snerz mumbling) (upbeat rockabilly music)

Here's the small intestine, it goes in first.

Okay, large intestine's next.

The kidneys, then the bladder, careful!

Get the spleen, next the lungs and the heart.

(Snerz moaning) (guts squelching)

- Yeah, whoo! (students applauding)

All right! - Awesome, great!

- Way to go! - A hero!

- Thank you, class, thanks to you, Spud, and your wonderful knowledge of biology

(coughs) I'm alive (coughs).

But that doesn't give you any right to be rude to Cherri.

(intercom hisses) - Attention, attention.

Today's lunch will be sloppy Joes and creamed corn.

(intercom hisses) (mellow rockabilly music)

(birds chirping)

- Ow! (Cherri screams)

Eeh (smacks), hey!

You stabbed me.

- Well, you broke my nail.

- Why do I even carry your books?

You never read 'em.

- Maybe not, but it makes me look intelligent. - Let me, um, let me introduce you

to the wonderful world of books.

I shall be your instructor.

First, you place it in the palm of your hand.

Then, grasping the cardboard layer on top,

betwixt thumb and index finger, lift.

This action reveals a series of white pages

covered, ooh, with black marks.

We call these marks words.

- [Cherri] And let me introduce you

to the wonderful world of servitude.

(book snaps) (Spud moans)

- You're a very sad person, Cherri.

I feel sorry for you.

- Oh, yeah, it so happens I'm a very happy person. - Ha, ha, ha! - I've got gorgeous nails,

perfect hair, and I'm captain of the cheerleading squad.

- And what about Rod?

- Right, and I'm dating the star quarterback,

and I'm not a spaz like you!

- [Spud] Hey, don't worry about me.

I've got my books and my scooter.

- Big deal, I'm gonna be queen of the prom this year.

I'm 10 times happier than you!

- [Spud] Ha, I, I'm 100 times happier than you.

- [Cherri] I'm 1,000 times happier.

- [Spud] I'm a million times happier.

- [Cherri] I'm a gazillion times happier!

- [Spud] I'm a quintillion times happier than you.

- I'm so much happier.

- [Spud] I'm a tribillion times happier than you.

♪ Do do do do, do do do do ♪

♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Do do do do ♪

♪ If you only knew, only knew ♪

(chimes jangle softly) (somber music)

(hinges creaking) (eerie warbling)

(hinges creaking)

(creatures chittering)

(toenail creaking)

(ominous music)

(nails scratching)

- No! (screams)

No!

(saw whirring)

(skull creaking)

(spheres warbling)

- Damn, that made me hungry.

Where's that burger, dork boy?

- [Spud] I'm coming.

- Well, it's about time, creep.

Hey, nerd, did you hear about the mallard

that flew up a guy's butt?

- Um-- - Yeah, he said,

"Get the duck outta here." (laughs)

So scram, kid, we've got some heavy eating to do (laughs).

(crickets chirping)

(bluesy rock music)

(Spud sighs)

Oh, yeah, baby.

♪ Do do do do ♪

- [Rod] Yeah, yeah, all right.

Yeah, all right. (cars squeaking)

(singer whistling) (groans) Whew.

That's it, Cherri, baby, squeeze it, tighter.

(metal clanking)

Yeah, yeah, all right, yeah, baby, shake it.

All right, now bring on the extra sauce, ooh!

- Ah! - Now, Cherri, up and down.

Oh, yeah, ooh! (bells clanging)

Call me Rod, faster, baby.

(baby crying) Faster, shake it hard.

Oh, yeah, that's the way I like it.

(crowd cheering) Ooh.

Now slap it. (Snerz coughs)

Slap it harder.

- Oh (sighs). - Yeah, just behind the,

and squeeze it, yeah. (bell rings)

Harder, faster, harder. (lips smacking)

Faster, harder, faster. (horn honks)

Daddy's coming, oh, boy. (Cherri giggles)

That's it. (chicken clucks)

(lips smacking) Oh, yeah.

(bell clanging) - Oh, oh.

(baby cries) - Oh!

(Snerz coughs) (bell rings)

- Yeah, all right.

That's it, Cherri baby, squeeze it.

Whoo, eat the goo, eat it all, that's it, baby.

- Enough, enough already, that's it!

Stop it, Rod, you sick, oh!

(mayonnaise squelches) - What the pfft?

- Uh-- (couple gasps)

(couples gasping) - Hmm.

(crowd shouting) (chicken clucks)

(Snerz coughs) (engine rumbles)

(horn honking) (lively marching band music)

♪ Hair High, we love your towers ♪

♪ And your ivy-covered walls ♪

♪ Sons of barbers and beauticians ♪

♪ Ever roaming through your halls ♪

♪ Though our shining locks may fall off ♪

♪ And our tresses turn to gray ♪

♪ Hair High, our alma mater ♪

♪ In our hearts you will ever stay ♪

(lips smacking)

- Cluck, cluck cluck.

Hey, Zip, I see wearing a chicken outfit

gets you all excited.

- Oh, gosh, Rod, you scared me.

Oh, I was just dreaming about Darlene.

I wanna ask her to the prom!

- [Rod] Ha, you'd have better luck with Mr. Snerz's frog. - She makes my Twinkie tingle,

but she always rejects me.

- [Rod] I've got just the thing for you, guaranteed to make

you irresistible. - Gosh, Rod,

you put the stud in student.

(distorted music)

Gee, I thought that stuff was just a myth.

- [Rod] Careful, Zip, it's powerful stuff.

Just a few drops is all you need.

- Uh, Darlene, can I talk to you in private?

- This better be important.

I've gotta get my thighs loosened up.

So did Rod put you up to this?

- No, uh, I wanted to, uh--

(zits popping) Uh, do you

find me attractive, you know, in a romantic kind of way?

'Cause I wanted to ask you--

- [Darlene] You're way too weird.

(gulping) (magical chiming music)

- Wait, Darlene, wait!

Ah, I wanted to ask you to the--

(engine roaring) To the prom!

- [Darlene] I wouldn't date you

if (gasps)-- (Zip laughs)

(Darlene screaming)

- Well, folks, it's a wonderful fall afternoon,

and it looks like we've got a full house.

It's the game of the year, our Echo Lake Fighting Cocks

versus the hated crosstown rivals, the Beavers.

(cheerleaders shouting)

- Hut, hut! - Hut, hut, hut!

♪ Halls, though our shining ♪

(whistle shrieks)

- And there's the kickoff!

(crowd roaring)

And here we go.

- Go, you guys! - Yay!

- Come on, let's go! - Ooh, yeah!

(player screams)

- Whoa! (announcer gibbering)

(mellow big band music) (singer vocalizing)

(player screams)

- Oh, dear, ouch! (player grunts)

(players screaming)

Well, it doesn't look so good for our Fighting Cocks.

- [Coach] Come on, move it, move it!

(player screams) (parents gasp)

- Hey! - Oh, the humanity!

How much longer can this carnage last?

(man groaning)

It's halftime, thank God!

♪ Hair High ♪

- Go, you guys! - Yay!

Whoo! - Come on, let's go!

♪ Ivy-Covered walls ♪

♪ Sons of barbers and beauticians ♪

♪ Ever roaming through your halls ♪

♪ Though our shining locks may fall off ♪

♪ And our tresses turn to gray ♪

- [Zip] (gasps) I'll catch you, Darlene!

(gasps) I'll catch you!

♪ Our alma mater ♪

♪ In our hearts you will ever stay ♪

(brain squelching)

(audience gasps) (Zip grunts)

- No!

(lively rockabilly music)

- We've got a terrific halftime show, oh, what's this?

Looks like some kind of mayhem on the field.

(Zip panting)

- Get away from me, you sick cluck.

- [Announcer] Oh, my, I don't see this act in the program.

(musician screams)

(musician gasping) (trombone groans)

♪ Well, come on baby, I'll show you how ♪

- I wanna watch the funny chicken.

♪ We'll do it hot and we'll do it fast ♪

(whistle shrieking) (Zip grunting)

♪ Come on, baby, do the chicken chicken walk ♪

- [Zip] Oh, oh, oh yeah, oh, oh!

(grunts) Oh, yeah! ♪ Push in and a push out ♪

♪ Push in and a push out ♪

♪ Push in ♪

- I think this chicken's broken every law in the morals code of this state.

Uh-oh, now what?

Wow, look at that chicken go!

How does he do it with those bulky chicken feet?

In all my years of broadcasting, this is certainly

the most entertaining show I've ever witnessed.

- [Zip] (grunts) Oh, yeah, yeah, oh, God, oh, God, oh, oh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

(explosion booms) Oh, oh, yeah, oh!

(crowd screams) (grunting)

♪ Head to toe and do yourself ♪

- [Zip] Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, oh, oh, yeah, oh, God!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

♪ Do your stuff wherever you go ♪

♪ Come on, baby, do the chicken chicken walk ♪

(dreamy harp music)

- [Zip] Hey, wait a minute, I'm human,

so why am I having a chicken's flashback?

(Zip thuds)

(steam hisses)

(chicken crashes)

(wind whistling)

♪ Hair High, we love your towers ♪

♪ And your ivy-covered walls ♪

- (sobs) Ah!

- Gee, Miss Cherri, I, I had no idea you loved Zip so much.

- Are you kidding, that horndog?

I needed him for my dance routine.

I know, you be the chicken.

- [Spud] Uh, gee, I--

- [Cherri] Are you refusing my wishes, lackey?

- [Players] Lackey!

- I don't know. - I order you

to put on the chicken head, flunky!

- [Players] Flunky!

- [Spud] I, uh, I, I, I just don't think

I'm mascot material.

(whistle shrieks) - Come on!

Let's see some defense, hit somebody! There is no I in team!

(players groaning) - Hut one, hut two,

hut three. - Rod fades back to pass.

(Rod screams) He's hit.

(crowd screaming) Holy huckleberry, all is lost! (whistle shrieking)

All is lost!

(Rod screams)

- Don't worry, Rod, I can fix it. - [Coach] Get in there, number nine!

(player screams)

- Coach, you're out of players.

If you don't replace your quarterback,

you'll have to forfeit the game.

(audience cheering)

- You! - Um, me?

- [Coach] Get in there now!

- [Spud] But, but, but, but, but (laughs) wait,

I'm not, uh, I, uh, I don't, um--

- Either the coach has a trick play

or he's gone totally nuts.

- Uh, uh. (players growling)

What, uh, uh, hike?

(players grunt)

Help!

Ah, oh, mm!

- [Coach] Get him up, somebody help him up.

(head whooshing)

- [Spud] Oh.

(head warbles)

- Get up, slave! - Whoa!

- Echo High needs you!

Get back in there now!

(players growling) - Hut one,

hut two, hut three, hut, hut four,

hut five, hut six.

- [Center] So do you want the ball or what?

- [Coach] All right, move it, move, move, move, come on!

(players growling) (Spud clucking)

- Just look at that crazy chicken run!

In all my years of broadcasting,

I've never seen a chicken run so fast.

Huh, uh-oh, he's dropped the ball!

The Beavers have it!

Wait a minute, it was just an egg!

♪ Na na na na na ♪ - Ha, what a clever deception.

- [Coach] Come on, move it, hit somebody!

- You gotta admit, that cock's full of spunk.

- [Coach] No, no, no, no, this other team (groans).

- Oh, no, they have him surrounded.

(player growling) - Oh, no!

Somebody hit somebody!

(Spud clucking)

That's right, go, go!

(eggs whistling)

(eggs splatting)

- (gasps) I can't, I can't make it.

I can't, I can't make it, I can.

- Hold on, that's just too absurd, a flying chicken mascot?

- It could be true.

- You, you're a gullible goose.

- And you're a malicious moose.

- I'm leaving. - Whoa, relax, hot shot.

- [Buttercup] So go, see if I care.

- Let me finish the story.

You gotta hear this.

So there was Spud, making a mad dash for the goal line.

(upbeat rockabilly music) - Go, go, go!

Come on, go, no, no, no, move it, move it!

(Spud grunts) Go!

(dreamy chiming music)

(crowd shouting)

Go, go, go, yeah!

(Spud grunts)

- Well, folks, it sure looks like a touchdown.

♪ Hair high, we love ♪

- It must be a touchdown.

- Come one, let's go! - Yay, whoo!

(stadium rumbling) (crowd roaring)

(whistle shrieking)

(crowd grumbling)

(wind whistling)

(frog croaking) (creatures warbling)

(dynamic rockabilly music)

(tires screeching)

(engine growling)

(tires screeching)

(Spud screams)

(glass clatters)

(tires screeching)

(crowd laughing)

(sirens wailing)

(tires screeching)

- What's all the ruckus, Rod?

- Just a little after-game celebration.

- Well, I'm gonna have to give you a ticket, mm.

Whoa, what's this?

What kind of kink fest is going on here?

Where are your clothes, pervert?

- But, but, but, but I, er--

- Aw, come on, Sarge, we're just letting off a little steam.

- That's okay, Rod, but I'm gonna have to give

this young fella here a ticket for indecent exposure.

(engine rumbling) (siren wailing)

(tires screeching)

(bells clanging)

- Well, here we are, babe.

After the school year, we'll be here for real.

- Do you love me, Rod?

I mean really love me?

(kiss smacks)

- [Rod] Course I do, Cherri baby.

We screw like pistons, don't we?

- [Cherri] Gosh, Rod, you're so romantic.

Rod, let's lay off the slave kid.

- [Rod] Why, you ain't getting soft on him, are ya?

- [Cherri] No, I'm afraid he might get hurt.

- [Rod] You know what he told me?

Your hair was ugly.

- Ew, well, maybe a little longer.

- [Rod] You know, I heard that Cheddar has a huge organ.

(somber organ music) And there it is.

- Welcome to this sad occasion as we gather together

to bear witness to a wonderful life.

I'd like to read a sacred text

I think is appropriate for the occasion.

(clears throat) The tawny youth eagerly placed

his dewy thighs around the quivering member.

(clears throat) Wait, that's not right.

I think now it would be fitting and proper

to hear remembrances from his closest friends, Mr. JoJo?

- Oh, uh, me, uh, I don't think,

well, uh (sighs), he came into my shop many times,

and he was certainly, uh, energetic.

- And you, Mr. Snerz?

- Ah, yes, well, I can't say

he was a great student, but (laughs)

he was certainly, um, different.

- Look at that new kid pretending he's Zip's best friend.

- [Sidney] And now you, Miss Darlene.

What have you got to say?

- You know, I hate to be a wet blanket,

but that guy was just a creep with a hard-on.

(Rod whispering)

- [Sidney] A little reverence, please?

I find those remarks inappropriate.

- You know, honestly, I never liked the guy either.

He always skipped out on his check.

- Me, either, he had an irritating personality,

kinda like, you know that sound,

fingernails on a blackboard.

(woman sobbing) - Irritating is right.

He was a terrible mascot, too.

(woman bawling)

♪ Uh la la ah oh uh (burps) ♪

- [Cherri] Spud, I wanna ask you a personal question.

(bell clangs) - Let's not destroy

the sanctity of the occasion.

- (sobs) It's true, I'm kind of glad he's dead.

He was a real pain in the keister.

- [Sidney] I find those remarks inappropriate.

(choir singing in foreign language)

(metal clangs) (glass tinks)

- [Cherri] (scoffs) So you think my hair is ugly, do you?

(Spud shouting) (metal clangs)

- Whoa! - Whoa!

(coffin clatters) (Sidney shouting)

(crowd screaming)

(lively organ music) (woman sobbing)

(people shouting)

(coffin whooshing)

- [Rod] I saw you flirting with Cherri.

You better watch it, squirt, I got my eye on you. (machine whirring)

(coin clanks)

(jazzy rock music)

- And where are my sprinkles, pea brain?

- Cherri needs more sprinkles.

- You know I don't like brown sprinkles,

you useless flunky.

Ew, there's a brown sprinkle in my hair, ew!

You can't sit there, I'm telling Rod.

- Go ahead, there's no more he can do to me anyway.

- Relax, enjoy it.

- Yow! - This is for the sprinkle

in my hair, and this is for saying my hair is ugly.

(Spud whimpering)

- And this is for the midnight chicken ride. - You're breaking my hair! - Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,

ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

(glass clattering) (girls shouting)

(teeth chomp) - Oh, God in heaven,

please help me.

(Spud and Cherri screaming)

(both gasping)

(dreamy chiming music)

(electricity crackling)

(electricity droning)

(wind whooshing)

- Get off of me, twerp.

How dare you touch me, you creep!

- Hey, I like your hair like that.

- What happened in there, don't tell Rod.

(slow jazzy music) (tools whirring)

(metal clanging)

(Darlene humming)

- [Darlene] Hi, Rod, how's it going?

- [Rod] Hey, Darlene, what's up?

- [Darlene] Looks like a messy job.

- Yep. - Gee,

you're so good with tools.

- Uh-huh. - Did you ever work

on anyone else's car? - Nope.

- [Darlene] Well, let's say a close friend

had a car that needed a lot of attention.

- [Rod] Like a tuneup?

- [Darlene] Or maybe just tightening a few bolts.

- No, this is the only baby I touch.

- [Darlene] What if the other car were a sexy racer model?

- [Rod] Nope.

(breath whooshes)

- Well, what if I told you someone else

was working on your car?

- Impossible, no one touches this baby but Rod.

- I'm afraid right now someone's working on your baby.

- [Rod] What, where?

- Relax, every hear the words double entendre?

- [Rod] Of course, it's one of those

fancy French manifolds, right?

- Well, Rod, think about it.

Maybe one day you'll get tired

of that same old car.

(cheerful music)

♪ If you only knew ♪

♪ What I would do for you ♪

♪ Carry your books from school each way ♪

♪ Give you my sweater on a windy day ♪

(dragonflies whooshing)

♪ If you could only see ♪

(Cherri screams)

♪ Just how much it hurts me ♪

♪ When you're out with the other guy ♪

♪ Everyone knows you've been telling lies ♪

♪ But when we're alone ♪

♪ The world turns right for a little while ♪

♪ And I believe the things you say ♪

♪ When I look in your eyes and see you smile ♪

♪ But when we're alone ♪

♪ The world turns right for a little while ♪

- Spud? ♪ But I believe ♪

♪ The things you say when I look in your eyes ♪

♪ And see you smile ♪

♪ You may never know ♪

♪ How much I love you so ♪

♪ But I'll always be your fool ♪

♪ And you will never be so cruel ♪

♪ To one who feels the way I do ♪

♪ If you only knew ♪

(dreamy harp music)

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

- Okay, we need the entire prom court onstage now.

Right, where's the king, where's Rod?

Who knows where King Rod is, anybody?

- [Student] He's at football practice, Miss Crumbles.

- People, people, please,

we can't have a rehearsal without the king.

You, young man, we need a stand-in.

- Me, but I'm just a slave.

I'm not a king. - Well, you'll have to do.

Okay, queen and slave, or king, up on the stage.

Good, good, ladies first, that's it.

(humming "Pomp and Circumstance")

Okay, the king makes an acceptance speech.

Blah, blah, blah, now bow,

first to the court, then to the audience.

Then you kiss.

- Uh, do we have to?

- Of course, it says it right here in the program.

King and queen K-I-S-S.

(kiss smacks) You call that a kiss?

The king and queen represent romance!

You can do better than that.

Come on now, kids.

Let's pretend there's a little romance between you two,

and kiss, dammit!

(kiss smacks) (bright music)

♪ Ooh ♪

- Louis, save the confetti for the prom.

- But I didn't touch a thing, Miss Crumbles.

(dramatic rock music)

- Get away from me, you creep.

(chairs clattering)

And don't you ever touch me again.

- You been changing the oil in my car, twerp?

You been tightening her bolts?

- What, what bolts?

- I just found out what a double entendre is, lover boy.

(Rod wheezing)

(combs rasping)

- I'll take care of him, Rod.

- You're not so tough.

If you were really tough, instead of your mouth,

you'd stick that toothpick somewhere else.

(toothpick squelches)

(blood squelches)

- Oh, ah, ow, ouch, Mommy!

- Oof! - My eye, my eye!

(Spud groaning softly)

(kiss smacking)

(cheerful mariachi music)

- [Snerz] Spud, Spud, Spud!

What's the answer?

Spud, do you know the answer?

- Study. - Ah (laughs),

that's correct, mm, study and observe.

- Ah, excuse me, Mr. Snerz.

May I ask a question?

- Very good, Spud, that's the inquisitive spirit

we like to see here at Echo Lake High.

(cheerful mariachi music)

- Cherri, will, will you be my date to the prom?

(students gasping) - She'll never

go out with him.

She's Rod's girl. - Oh, well, did you hear what-- - You can't ask Cherri to the prom. - No, our darling Cherri!

♪ Are you waiting, now you've made it ♪

♪ You'll be prom queen soon ♪

♪ You won't need a car to drive there ♪

♪ When he kisses you, you'll fly there ♪

♪ Quick, get ready for your steady ♪

♪ Now he's on his way ♪

- [Crumbles] My goodness, wherever could Rod

and Cherri be?

- Gee, Miss Crumbles, if Cherri doesn't show up,can I be the prom queen?

- You know, Darlene, in some cultures,

instead of proms, they throw virgins down volcanoes

as a sacrifice, but then I guess

you wouldn't have to worry about that.

- [Darlene] Well, I never!

(ice cream squelching)

(ominous music) (camera clicks)

- [Spud] Ooh!

(plate clatters)

- Don't worry, you two get along to the prom.

- Thanks, JoJo! - I'll clean up.

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ooh ooh ♪

(suspenseful rock music)

(engine roaring)

- I want my Cherri back!

- She's my queen now!

(Rod growls)

(tires screeching)

(tires screeching)

(tires screeching)

He's going over the edge, I gotta save him!

(tires screeching) (singers vocalizing)

(metal creaking)

(wheels whirring)

(tires screeching)

♪ Ooh ♪ (cheerful music)

(engine roaring)

- No! (Cherri screams)

You go to hell, Rod!

- [Rod] After you, new kid!

(Rod laughing) (suspenseful music)

(wind whistling)

(water splashing)

♪ When a boy and girl find their own true love ♪

♪ No one else on Earth can keep them apart ♪

♪ For she wore his ring and he gave her his heart ♪

♪ Now they'll always ♪ ♪ Now they'll always ♪

♪ Be together ♪ ♪ Be together ♪

♪ Ever after ♪ ♪ Ever after ♪

♪ Be together ♪ ♪ Be together ♪

♪ Now they'll always ♪ ♪ Now they'll always ♪

♪ Be together ♪

- Okay, let's go, Buttercup, story's over.

- No, wait, he's not finished.

- But we're missing our own prom.

The heroes are fish food, end of story.

- Is it, is the story really over?

- No, so anyway, back to the prom.

- Ladies and gentlemen, I'm proud to present

your king and queen and their court.

(audience applauding)

King Rod

and his beautiful queen, Cherri.

Cherri, Cherri?

- I have some sad news.

Spud, the new kid,

stole my Cherri (sniffs).

(sobs) And moved to Mexico.

- Ooh. - Whoa.

(audience exclaiming) - There, there. She'll be back. (Rod sobbing)

This is a very sad moment, but our prom can survive.

The pageant bylaws state that when a queen

abdicates the throne, the first princess

becomes the queen, Queen Darlene!

(audience applauding) (Darlene squeaking)

(Darlene bawling) I'm proud to crown King Rod.

- No, it's not right, not without Cherri.

- [Crumbles] Please, Rod.

- (sniffs) No. - Please?

- No, no, no, no, no! - Please, please, please,

please, please? - No, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no. - Okay, we'll have to

give it to our next-- - No, no, no, no, no, no, no,

if you insist.

- [Crumbles] Ladies and gentlemen, the royalty of Echo Lake High, King Rod and Queen Darlene!

(triumphant music) (audience applauding)

(wind whistling)

(bells jangling)

(rain pattering)

(insects chirping)

- Hey, I got a bite!

- No, you're snagged. - No, it's a big one.

I'll bet you a beer.

- Hold on, you're rocking the boat.

- Ah, you're right, it's snagged.

(water gurgling)

(suspenseful music)

(eerie roaring)

(screams) Get to shore, quick!

- One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight.

(engine roaring) Wow, that means you can have

continuous sex for eight hours (laughs), amazing.

Ooh, what's all the excitement?

- Hey, Sarge, what's going on?

- Well, these boys claim they found Cherri and Spud, mm.

- That's impossible, I just got a postcard from Cherri.

They're in Mexico.

- See, boys, here's the proof, mm.

- Hey, Sarge, want a brewski?

- Sorry, boys. - Wait!

I swear I really saw them.

- Yeah, just come on the boat.

We got beer!

- Can I get some fishing in?

- Sure, they're really biting today.

- [Rod] Mind if I tag along?

(engine humming)

- There's the floating buoy thingie over there.

Slow it down.

(engine roars) (Sarge shouts)

- Ow, ow, ow, whoa!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, whoa!

- [Dill] Stop the engine!

- I can't, it's stuck!

I don't understand machines.

- Out of my way, idiot!

(engine sputters)

- Whoa, oh, my God, I don't believe it! (blubbering)

- Grab the oar. - Ooh!

- [Rod] Oops.

(Sarge grunts)

- [Dill] Sarge, what did you see?

- He swallowed too much water, stand back. I know artificial respiration.

(foot slapping) (Sarge grunting)

- Stop, stop, for God's sakes, I'm awake.

- Well, what, what, well, what'd you see?

- Hmm, I don't remember.

A big oar.

- Let's go back to the marker.

- No need, it's right here.

(insects chittering) (wind whistling)

(bells jangling)

♪ Prom queen, prom queen ♪

(cheerful rock music)

- Welcome to the Echo Lake High Prom!

Let's welcome the reigning king and queen, Rod and Darlene!

Before we crown this year's new king and queen,

let's let Rod and Darlene have a final dance

as reigning king and queen.

(audience applauding) (cheerful mariachi music)

Let's hear it for King Rod and Queen Darlene.

(bells chiming)

(bats squeaking)

(claws clattering)

(electricity zapping)

- [Announcer] It's 81 degrees

and a perfect evening for the prom.

Let's hope all you guys and gals out there

in radio land are just up and ready to rock and roll.

(cheerful rock music)

(engine rumbles)

♪ Two young lovers, no moon above ♪

♪ Driving to the prom to pledge their love ♪

♪ He parked on the hillside to give her his ring ♪

♪ For she was his queen and he was her king ♪

♪ As he bent down to kiss her ♪

♪ He released the brake ♪ (tires screeching)

♪ The car slid back toward Echo Lake ♪

(water sloshing)

♪ Why did they do it, why didn't they wait ♪

♪ They were lost in a kiss ♪ (waitress gasps)

(wind whistling)

♪ There was no one to see, not a soul around ♪

♪ As the car descended and the lovers ♪

- [JoJo] Eh, can I help you?

♪ Drowned ♪ - Ah, yes, please.

We'd like one JoJo's special supreme.

- It almost sounds like,

nah, they're in Mexico, yet,

what the, huh?

- Hey, relax, JoJo, it's us, Spud and Cherri.

We need a bite to eat, we're famished.

- You're not Spud and Cherri.

You're too thin.

- Watch this. (dreamy chiming music)

(aerosol hisses)

(hair sloshes) (whimsical music)

(hair boings)

- Well, I'll be damned.

- You've never looked more beautiful.

- You really like my hair?

- I've always loved your hair.

Oh, I see you saved our favorite booth.

- [Cherri] We've been waiting a long time for this night.

- [Spud] We're going to the prom.

We, er, missed it last year.

- [JoJo] So, uh, are you alive or dead or undead or what?

- We're in love.

- Yes, we're in love.

(teeth chomping)

Tastes great.

How's Rod? - You mean King Rod

and Queen Darlene?

- [Cherri] That bitch, some friend she is.

- [JoJo] Want anything else?

It's on the house.

- No, thanks, time to go.

Ooh. (Cherri gasps)

(ominous music) (ice cream splats)

Thanks, JoJo, we have got a date to finish.

- Don't be strangers now, be careful!

- Ladies and gentlemen, the court of Echo Lake High!

And of course, you know 'em, you love 'em,

you can't live without 'em,

last year's king and queen, Rod and Darlene!

(audience applauding)

- I had a great year as your king,

and I'm, I'm excited to-- (man screaming)

(students screaming)

Hey, shut up in the back there.

I'm trying to have a sentimental moment here!

(woman gasps) (ominous music)

(wind whistling) (man groans) (footsteps booming)

(audience gasping)

Stop those freaks, they're crashing our prom!

Hut, hut, hut, hike!

(triumphant music)

- Leave these dumb jocks to me, honey!

- Yay!

- Ah!

(hairspray hisses)

(football players clattering)

- Yay! (engine rumbling)

(tires screeching) (upbeat rock music)

(tires screeching)

(glass clattering)

(snake squelching) (singers vocalizing)

(Dwayne mumbles)

- [Rod] Someone please stop this madness.

They're ruining our prom.

Stop those ghouls!

(Snerz shouts)

(Snerz croaking)

(chicken squawks)

(crowd screaming)

♪ Two young lovers, no moon above ♪

♪ Driving to the prom to pledge their love ♪

(distorted voices warbling)

♪ He parked on the hillside to give her his ring ♪

♪ For she was ♪ (audience gibbering)

(distorted voice laughs) ♪ Towers and your ♪

- [Eerie Voice] What's your name, rude boy?

- Whoever you monsters are, don't come near me!

Somebody save me, somebody!

♪ Why did they do it, why didn't they wait ♪

(distorted voices squeaking)

(singer vocalizing)

- Hello, Echo High.

I'm Spud, and this is Cherri, my beautiful fiancee.

We're your rightful royalty

and we've come back to claim our crowns.

- That can't be Cherri and Spud.

They crashed off the road and drowned in Echo Lake!

(voice echoing) (wind whistling)

(bell chiming)

(suspenseful music)

(dramatic fanfare) (Darlene screaming)

(Darlene gibbering)

(choir vocalizing)

- Oh, Rod, what's the matter?

Oh, have I lost too much weight?

Oh, please, Rod, look into my sockets.

Tell me you still love me.

(kiss smacks) (Rod chokes)

(wind roaring)

(bone crunches) - Oh!

(Rod screaming)

(crowd screaming)

- You've made me really mad.

(critters squelching)

(crowd screaming)

(Rod screaming)

- [Cherri] The king is dead, long live the king!

(choir vocalizing)

- Hmm, I don't see any rules

against the king and queen being skeletons.

I guess it's okay.

(bell chiming) A big hand

for King Spud and Queen Cherri.

("Pomp and Circumstance")

Okay, Echo High, let the prom continue.

(wind whistling)

(sniffling)

(Darlene whimpering)

♪ When a boy and girl find their own true love ♪

- [Buttercup] Oh (sobs), it's such a beautiful story (sobs).

- Okay, it's a nice story, but what's the point?

Don't play football in a chicken suit?

Don't close your dress in the door of your car, what?

- The point, the point?

You can't see the point?

Kids these days, sheesh.

You see, love, like life, is a creative act.

Cherri and Spud were decomposed skeletons,

yet their romance was a beautiful and powerful thing.

In their short, tragic lives, they created a masterpiece,

a masterpiece like this.

And this is what your romance is like.

- But that's just a broken cookie.

- [Buttercup] That's our romance?

(both laughing)

- You must think we're pretty gullible.

Here's to Cherri and Spud returning as skeletons.

Oh, yeah, sure thing. (wind whistling)

(flies buzzing)

(hinges squeaking)

(lively music)

(engine rumbling)

(crickets chirping)

(dragonfly buzzing)

(soaring music) (electricity zapping)

(kiss smacking)

- Believe me now?

- Well, I guess so, but I have one question.

Who made up this story?

(cheerful rockabilly music)

♪ Two young lovers, no moon above ♪

♪ Driving to the prom to pledge their love ♪

♪ He parked on the hillside to give her his ring ♪

♪ For she was his queen and he was her king ♪

♪ As he bent down to kiss her, he released the brake ♪

♪ The car slid back toward Echo Lake ♪

♪ Why did they do it, why couldn't they wait ♪

♪ They were lost in a kiss on their final date ♪

♪ There was no one to see, not a soul around ♪

♪ As the car descended and the lovers drowned ♪

♪ Every June on prom night in their watery hearse ♪

♪ They head for the dance to deliver their curse ♪

♪ Ever since that night, no one dares ♪

♪ To claim the crown that shoulda been theirs ♪

(jazzy rock music)

♪ Hey, Joe, what do ya know ♪

♪ Your hair's a masterpiece ♪

♪ How do you keep it shiny ♪

♪ Why, I use bacon grease ♪

♪ You know, Gina's absent ♪

♪ I heard she stayed in bed ♪

♪ I guess she didn't feel like coming ♪

♪ She sent her wig instead ♪

♪ Buzz cuts, crew cuts, they don't rate ♪

♪ You need a pomp or a ♪