Original subtitles

[classical music]

[choir singing in Latin]

♪ ♪

- Get a warrant. - You know I don't need one.

I saw you refilled your pond; that puts you

way over your monthly allowance.

- So sue me. - We have!

You owe $150,000 in fines this year alone.

- Which I have paid!

I don't need this constant harassment!

Wayne Newton's got seven fountains!

- Could you remind Ms. Vance that, legally,

she cannot stop me from checking her water meter?

- And could you please remind this "water cop"

that I have more pressing issues to attend to,

like an unnecessarily long shower?

- [sighs]

- If you come around the side,

I'll unlock the gate from the back.

- Thank you.

- Hot, hot! - Thank you.

- Accidentally touched the lip.

- Okay.

Think that's a hair, okay. - [chuckles]

- Kayla? - Mm-hmm?

- What is in this coffee?

- Half-and-half and sugar.

Well, Splenda. - Okay.

- A couple of Splendas.

- That's not sugar. It's all chemicals.

- Yeah. - And I take natural sugar.

- Yeah, brain... - All right--

- F-A-R-T. [laughs]

[phone ringing]

Is your phone ringing or something?

- [sarcastically] I don't know. Let's find out.

Jimmy Lusaque, Junior's office. Jimmy speaking.

- Hey, buddy, how's it going?

Did you get that dog I sent you?

- Yeah, I don't need another dog.

I have one and he hates me.

What's going on with you?

Why do you keep sending me Petfinder links?

- Well,

I'm pretty lonely, my man. - Mm, that's sad.

How's it going archiving for Deborah?

- So painful.

The coolest thing she's ever done

is cohost New Year's Rockin' Eve in 2000.

2001 wasn't as good, but I don't know.

Maybe that's just 'cause I knew 9/11 was coming.

- Come on, Deborah's done plenty of cool stuff.

I mean, she started the gay cruise trend.

You love LGBTQAI+ stuff.

- [laughs] - Speaking of which,

how's Ruby?

- Well, we broke up three months ago.

So I think you'll have to ask her.

- I'm sorry. Hey, look,

if you're just calling to shoot the shit,

love you, bless you, but I'll call you back.

- All righty, ciao.

- Okay, ciao for now.

- Here you go, prince. - Hey, thank you so much.

- Yum!

- Kay. Not "yum," weird and bizarre.

What is in this one? - Honey!

You said natural. It comes from bears.

- Oof, Kayla... - Knock, knock.

- Michael! Hi!

- Daddy! Daddy's at work!

- So how's my baby girl doing?

- She's unbelievable. Really special, special.

- You know, she specifically requested to be on your desk.

- She did? - Yeah.

You almost got stuck with some Harvard nerd,

always bragging about his Fulbright.

- God, that would have been so annoying!

[all laughing]

- Let's go do lunch! - Absolutely, sugar plum.

Hold down the fort, Jimmy Junior.

- You got it, Michael. - "Hold down the fort,

Jimmy Junior!" - Okay.

Could you bring back lunch for me, please?

[sighs]

[soft music]

♪ ♪

- Huh.

Hello?

Oh, shit.

- Mm, donate.

Oh, do you like these?

- Hmm, not my style.

I like a pant with a stirrup.

- Okay.

- Mom!

[laughs] I mean, come on!

This is--this sucks! - No, no.

It's chic. It's very elegant.

It's very Gina Lollobrigida.

- Who? No.

This is--I look like an asshole.

Just give it to stupid Marcus, or donate it.

- Some things are too nice to donate.

- Well, not this.

Okay, look, I'll take your heirlooms

if you promise to wear one of my chokers

on stage, and a big one.

- Now, the dress is working, you know?

What's not working is your eyebrows.

- What? Mom!

- I keep telling you, you've got to extend them

a bit with a pencil. - Oh, my God.

- Right there, they just kind of peter out.

Pencil, a little pencil.

- I've been using the serum.

It just takes time.

Josefina, can you, please?

- I'm just here for a blazer. - I told you

you were gonna regret over-tweezing in the '90s.

- The only thing I regret from the '90s

is not getting frickin' emancipated.

- You know, DJ, I have had a morning with the water cop,

so don't start with me.

- I'm sorry you mismanaged your pond!

- I don't mismanage my pond. I pay people to manage my pond.

- Then you mismanaged the people who manage your pond.

- What are you doing?

Yes, you. I can see you in the mirror.

- Oh, um... [chuckles]

Sorry, special delivery. Just--this came for--

I--I can just leave it by the door.

- Who's it from?

- I--I think it's from your sister?

- Oh, shit.

- Throw it out.

And don't come back up here again.

- Okay, sorry.

- Hey.

If it would make you feel better,

I'd be happy to take your

diamond tennis bracelet.

- I told you, you'll get that when I'm dead.

- Okay.

- I will be reaching out when I know the penalty,

and I'll be back in, like, a month.

- I'll be here. - Good to know.

Have a good day. - You too.

- Who was that?

- It's just Wilson. He's such a pain in our ass.

- [laughs] "Our ass"?

You and Deborah share an ass?

- Is there something I can help you with?

- Oh, yeah. She told me to throw this away,

but should I? It's from her sister.

- Wait, what?

You brought this to her?

- Yeah, she was so nice about it.

Sweet woman.

- Kathy's never sent anything before.

- I can't believe she's not curious.

- Well, her husband left her for her own sister,

and then Deborah burned down his house,

so let's call it a sore spot.

- Yeah, but she makes jokes about it constantly,

plus that was, like, 100 years ago.

- Well, I guess you've got it all figured out.

- You--you're not gonna open it?

- No. - What if there's

a gift card in there? - She said throw it away.

And I believe you have some archiving to do.

And I'd like it done soon. We're putting together

a "Best of Deborah" DVD for the anniversary show.

- Yeah, I'll get right on that.

A lot of money in DVDs right now.

Sorry, I just don't love

running tech in the basement all day.

- Well, we do have a gig later, so I'm sure

you'll get to display your genius there.

- Great, I'll be by the water heater

if you need me.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- I love being in London.

But everything is so different here.

You know, in America, if I wanna drive

on the wrong side of the road,

I gotta get in the car with Billy Joel.

♪ ♪

No, really, I don't love cooking, but I do hate it.

Last night, I tried to make collard greens.

This morning, I woke up to a cease and desist

from the NAACP.

[cheers, laughter]

- Damn!

♪ ♪

- Now, her career is going up in flames

faster than my ex-husband's garage.

Duraflame.

Starts faster, burns longer.

Take it from me, someone who really knows

how to set the night on fire.

Now, the pilgrims had the right idea.

Oh, oh, get over it. Oh, yeah,

like you wouldn't grab Patrick Swayze's ass.

Well, Jimmy Crack Corn and I do care.

♪ ♪

[mid-tempo music]

♪ ♪

[phone camera clicks]

[phone camera clicks]

[phone camera clicks]

- [clears throat] - Oh, fuck, no!

- [chuckles]

- Okay, I think what we have here is a pretty classic

generational misunderstanding, you know?

It's very normal for people my age to send nudes.

It's--it's about having agency over our sexuality.

- Oh, I'm not judging you.

I mean, I just don't think you need to send a boy a nude

just because he asked you to. - Okay, well,

for your information, it was a girl,

and she didn't ask me to.

- Oh, no.

Just do it when you're off the clock.

Would you do that if you worked in a bank?

- It depends, am I the president of this bank?

'Cause then I'm probably a white-collar criminal.

I'm doing way worse than sending nudes.

- No!

You read more like a junior teller.

- [chuckles] - Just don't do it on my time

or in my chair.

It's an antique.

- Deal.

- Hey. Was traffic all right?

- Yeah, not bad. Are they ready?

- Yeah, Phil from corporate and the photographers are inside.

Do you want to do touch-ups in the bathroom?

- Yeah, sure that's fine. - All right.

- Wait, what? A pizza place?

What I'm I supposed to be doing here for you?

- It's a grand opening. So there's press.

So pitch me some one-liners and some bits.

- Like about pizzas and calzones?

- They don't have calzones.

- A gig's a gig, honey.

- Hello! My Little Debbies!

[excited shouting]

- Hey, bitch, you know where to sign me!

- Hey, how are you? Oh, honey,

I'm so glad you're better.

- Jesus, I can't believe this is what she's doing today.

The opening of a pizza franchise?

Is it seriously worth it?

- It's worth about 100 grand and some stock.

- 100 grand? - And some stock.

- Jesus Christ, that's like my mortgage

for, like, two years.

Or is it four?

- You're a homeowner?

- Yeah, I own a townhouse in LA.

An amazing city I am no longer in.

- Are you renting it?

- No, 'cause I don't know when I'm gonna be back.

- All right, put your address into Zillow.

This is my curse. I can't just sit and watch

someone miss an opportunity like this.

Just glad my grandfather isn't around to see me help

some white girl make passive income.

This is cute.

Oh, you paid too much.

- Yeah, I know.

- All right, I'm gonna help you rent this.

I'll make some calls.

- Really? Man, that's--

that's actually really nice.

- Oh, I will be taking a monthly fee.

- Okay.

Oh, you have service. I don't.

There's no way I could log in

to my Instagram on your phone, right?

- Absolutely not.

- Okay, thanks.

Damien? - Mm, sorry.

I don't have unlimited data.

- One, two, three! - Okay.

[applause]

- Hey, my Little Debbies, pizza's on me!

[cheering]

- Hey, do you guys have Wi-Fi?

- It's not set up yet, but they do next door at Gun Universe.

- Great. Do you know the password?

- "Lock her up."

The signal's stronger outside.

- Hey, stop flirting. Get over here.

Do you have anything for me? - Yes.

Okay, so I once did a 25-tweet thread

from the perspective of my Lexapro,

and it did really well, so I'm thinking,

what if you do something from the perspective

of the pizza ingredients? You know, like,

what if the cheese and pepperoni have history?

- What?

- Or, I don't know, toss the dough in the air,

try to get it to land on your head?

- Great.

- Okay.

- Whoa, you think these are big now?

Wait till they rise! Heh!

- Fuck.

- Man, that smells good! All right, step right up.

Anybody, don't be shy! What are you having?

- Pepperoni! - Hey, so I can have a friend

stage your place, but he needs a key to get in.

- Oh, you know what? My ex actually has a key,

but can I use your phone to call her?

I don't have service. Like, it's not going through

with my calls, I just-- - All right, fine, fine, fine.

Just make it quick. - Thank you so much.

I really appreciate it. - Yeah.

[line ringing]

- Hi, it's Ruby. Leave a message.

- Hey, it's Ava.

So, first of all,

just go ahead and disregard the picture I sent you.

[laughs] So just don't even--yeah,

don't even--like it didn't even happen.

I'm calling, actually, because you have a key

to my apartment, and I need it, so if you

could just call me back... [phone beeping]

That would be--oh, that's probably you.

Okay, no, it's not.

Oh, you know what? You're probably not picking up

'cause it's a weird number. I'm gonna hang up

and text you that it's me.

I'm gonna call you right back.

[sighs] Okay.

[line rings]

- Who is this? - Um, Ava.

- Oh, God. It's Fabriziana.

- Oh, hey, what's going on?

- I'm only picking up Ruby's phone

because it keeps going off.

You just ruined a take. - Oh, shit.

My bad. I'm sorry.

- Is it true you're working for Deborah Vance?

- Yeah, I mean, it's kind of research for something

that I'm working--a project.

- So you're writing for her QVC show?

- No, she's actually a very successful

comedian with a historic residency.

- Ava, she needs jokes on side salads!

- Huh.

Well, we're rolling again, so--

- Yeah, us too. I gotta go.

I'll talk to you later, bye.

[sighs]

- A very happy client. [chuckles]

- Here, you missed a call from the water guy.

- Ooh, Deb, what if we get a photo with you, like,

with the pizza on fire, you know?

[both chuckling]

- That's hilarious! - Don't do that.

- Excuse me? - It's degrading.

- Degrading for who?

- You?

- Oh, and you're telling me what's degrading?

- See, I knew were judging me for that nude.

- Whoa, okay.

You don't have to.

- No, no. I think it's funny.

- Really? 'Cause I think

if you thought it was funny, you would have opened

that package this morning.

[dishes clanking]

- This is what I do.

If you have a problem with it, you can just fuck off.

Simone!

Now, let's do some soot,

tease the hair up a little bit.

- ♪ I don't understand the game ♪

♪ Of who I'm meant to be ♪

♪ ♪

♪ It's driving me insane ♪

- Is she gonna kill me? - Well, that wasn't great.

And unfortunately for you, her afternoon just freed up,

and she does not like idle time.

♪ ♪

So the St. Jude's people

rescheduled today's Skype for next week.

- Oh, okay. So then what?

- It looks like you have the rest of the afternoon off.

♪ ♪

- Okay, I'm sorry for what I said.

But I was just in a really--

- Pull over. - What?

Whoa, whoa.

[scoffs] - Come on!

- That's right, that's the Luxor light.

It's the strongest light beam in the world,

could be seen from over 300 miles away.

Now, that's bright.

All right, listen up, y'all. This doesn't happen often,

but when it does, it's always a treat.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to present

the Queen of Sin City herself, Ms. Deborah Vance, y'all!

[cheers and applause]

- Hey, you guys, thank you!

Thanks, sweetie. Thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

You know, I have lived in Vegas for almost 30 years.

I have a story for every corner you can see.

I mean--oh, that telephone pole,

my daughter once wrapped her car around that pole,

and I had to pay to replace it.

Of course, I'm not the first person to pay

for stiff wood in this town.

[laughter] - What?

Now, that's Vegas for you.

You, sir, what do you do?

- I'm a doctor. - Oh, I love doctors.

Some of my most intimate relationships

have been with doctors...

at my physical.

[laughter] - No, seriously,

if you have the right health insurance,

there is no need to date.

[laughter]

- Hey, you, the sad little girl with the big hands,

where are you from? Yeah, her in the blue?

- Los Angeles. - Ooh, Hollywood.

You know what they say. Everybody there

is so vapid and obsessed with image.

Well, clearly not.

You know, just asking for a friend,

which landscaping company did your hair?

[laughter]

- Oh, I kid. I kid.

I actually know this young lady.

She is a new employee of mine.

[applause]

But she did tell me that a joke I do is degrading to me.

And I thought, "Well, that's rich," because this morning,

I found her taking a nude selfie.

- Uh-oh.

- Oh, no, don't get too excited.

I haven't seen breasts that pale and sad

since I toured the Tyson Chicken factory.

[crowd "oohs"]

- She never toured the Tyson Chicken factory.

- Folks, you should have seen her running around all day

refreshing that little phone.

Didn't get one response to that nude.

- Ouch! - Can you imagine?

I mean, that would be like going up to Harvey Weinstein's

hotel suite and him saying, "You know what?

Let's just find a conference room."

[laughter]

[applause]

- Do you think if I jumped, I'd die,

or just break my legs? - Shh.

- Vegas, you know, we're like Mecca,

but instead of Muslims, we attract people

with bad tattoos and low credit scores.

[laughter]

- Barry, Cara, Mommy's home. Mommy's home.

You want a treat? Let's get a treat.

Come on, here we go. Here we go.

- Oh, hey, thanks for the key.

- What? - Your friend put the key

to your apartment under your mat.

My guy said your stuff is mostly in boxes,

so he put them in storage.

And I should have it rented by next week.

- Oh, okay.

- "Thank you, Marcus."

"You look so good today, Marcus."

That girl. Just no class.

[line rings]

- Hey, did you get the key?

- Yeah, I got it.

- You really shouldn't have sent that photo.

- But you said you missed me. - I do miss you.

As a friend.

I'm back with Kelly, and you know that.

- Well, she didn't make you happy the first time,

so I was just reading between the lines.

- Ava, dude.

I'm having déjà vu. - What?

- [speaking Spanish]

- I hate when you yell at me in Spanish!

I'm not that far in Duolingo.

- This is exactly why we broke up.

You think that you know everybody

better than they know themselves.

- Okay, you're right. I'm sorry, I--

I'm sorry. I just...

[groans]

I'm just having a really hard time, you know?

I wanna work on stuff that's-- I don't know, meaningful.

I'm just spending my days writing for this woman

who--she just kicks people when they're down,

including herself.

- Well, that must be hard on you.

How's your dad doing?

- He's...alive.

Okay, back to what's actually important.

So I'm hearing that you didn't like the nude?

Is that possible?

- No comment.

- [laughs] - Hey, if you're in Vegas,

you really need to start wearing sunscreen.

- Well, yeah, but then I would have to start washing my face

at night, and you know I'm not gonna do that.

- Mm-hmm.

Right, of course you're not.

- Anyway, how are you?

- I'm actually great,

but I do have to go.

- Okay.

- Bye, Ava.

- Bye.

[sprinklers whirring]

Oh, my God!

[breathing heavily]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[shoes sloshing]

- Shoes off.

- [scoffs]

♪ ♪

- Oh, and we got a call about a regional corporate retreat

for ADT Security. They're looking for an MC.

- Any other letters I should know about?

- "K," as in 50K.

- Huh.

What do you think? - I think it should be 75.

But I can get 'em there.

- Book it. - Love.

And that's all I have for you today.

- Marcus, what would I do without you?

- I think you'd be fine. - Mm.

Oh, you know what? Have the grounds guys

cut back on the sprinklers. I don't want to ever

have to see that water Nazi again.

- Sure.

[mid-tempo music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- [sighs] Okay.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to "Late Night with Deborah Vance."

Please welcome the one, the only, Deborah Vance.

[cheers and applause]

- Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Now, do not adjust your TV sets.

This is "Late Night," and yes, I am a woman.

[laughter] - I know it's very confusing.

My accountant didn't even know what to put on my tax returns,

so he just wrote "mouthy broad."

- [laughs] [laughter]

- But I really love being in charge.

My very first order of business was to make sure

the workplace was safe for all the ladies.

So on day one, I gave every man a pair of mittens...

and every woman a gun.

- [laughs] [laughter]

- And that was just the start.

Next, I instituted a breastfeeding room.

The only problem was,

those executives were really hungry.

- [laughs] [laughter]

- But I actually do think about this show

the way I think about my babies.

I conceived both with Merv Griffin.

[laughter]

- Knowing Merv, he's gonna wanna cancel it

in the first trimester. - [laughs]

- Oh, get over it.

Abortion is legal now, thanks to Roe v. Wade.

And thank God, 'cause back in Berkeley,

all we had was sophomore v. staircase.

- [laughs] [cheering]

[soft music]

♪ ♪

[reel whirring]

- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

♪ ♪

[applause] Before we--

before we say goodbye,

there's something I just want to say.

Tonight has been the honor of my life.

[chuckles]

It's always been a dream of mine, and...

I'm just so--oh, I'm such a big baby.

- Yeah, get over here. Get over here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- I'm just so proud to host the show,

and I'm even more proud to share it with my family.

[chuckles] Frank, my husband.

[chuckles] I love you.

And Kathy, my sister and my best friend,

and to that little munchkin who's in your arms.

♪ ♪

- Okay.

Okay, all right. Hang on.

- Yeah? Okay, come here, baby.

Come here. Come here.

Oh, all right. Can you say,

"See you tomorrow night"? - See you tomorrow night!

[audience "awws"]

[cheering]

♪ ♪

- [exhales]

♪ ♪

[soft music]

♪ ♪

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