Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:15,622 --> 00:00:16,662
Agh!
2
00:00:25,300 --> 00:00:26,499
Hello?
3
00:00:26,500 --> 00:00:28,100
What about ye?
4
00:00:29,820 --> 00:00:31,739
Roddy? What'd you ring me for?
5
00:00:31,740 --> 00:00:33,419
Just checking you were in.
6
00:00:33,420 --> 00:00:35,939
There's something I want you to see.
Wait till you see this.
7
00:00:35,940 --> 00:00:37,459
Healthy Man?
8
00:00:37,460 --> 00:00:42,019
Well, fair play to you, Roddy, wanting to
be a man and healthy at the same time!
9
00:00:42,020 --> 00:00:43,859
Look at that there. "Eight-day abs."
10
00:00:43,860 --> 00:00:46,339
Eight-day abs -
that's what I'm going for.
11
00:00:46,340 --> 00:00:47,939
The old abbreviations.
12
00:00:47,940 --> 00:00:50,539
I had great abbreviations
when I was a young fella.
13
00:00:50,540 --> 00:00:52,139
He did all right.
14
00:00:52,140 --> 00:00:54,539
He was known as JTP -
15
00:00:54,540 --> 00:00:55,899
Jabba the Pat.
16
00:00:55,900 --> 00:00:59,980
At least I don't have to tuck
me boobs inside me skirt.
17
00:01:01,500 --> 00:01:03,459
I'm not the one needing the bra.
18
00:01:03,460 --> 00:01:07,220
We could lay you on your side and
you could feed a litter of six.
19
00:01:08,811 --> 00:01:40,228
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
20
00:01:40,460 --> 00:01:42,339
There's a competition
in here, right,
21
00:01:42,340 --> 00:01:44,379
where you can win two weeks in Spain
22
00:01:44,380 --> 00:01:45,819
and a lovely wee car.
23
00:01:45,820 --> 00:01:48,619
Look. There used to be a programme
years ago over in Ireland -
24
00:01:48,620 --> 00:01:49,899
I don't know if you remember.
25
00:01:49,900 --> 00:01:51,579
It was called Housewife Of The Year.
26
00:01:51,580 --> 00:01:54,419
Oh, wasn't that that thing you were
in, Mum, when I was a kid?
27
00:01:54,420 --> 00:01:56,179
Oh, yes.
28
00:01:56,180 --> 00:01:59,739
Well, they're doing a version over here
called Househusband Of The Year, Tom,
29
00:01:59,740 --> 00:02:01,219
and you'd be brilliant for it.
30
00:02:01,220 --> 00:02:03,179
Like, I'm not eligible for it
because, you know,
31
00:02:03,180 --> 00:02:05,379
I'm not a husband any more
and I don't live in a house.
32
00:02:05,380 --> 00:02:07,739
But you - you are a househusband.
33
00:02:07,740 --> 00:02:10,179
Would you stop saying that?
Give me that.
34
00:02:10,180 --> 00:02:13,099
I don't believe it!
35
00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:14,579
Gerty Howlett!
36
00:02:14,580 --> 00:02:16,939
Gerty Howlett?!
Gerty Howlett?
37
00:02:16,940 --> 00:02:20,619
Only the woman who won in 1978.
38
00:02:20,620 --> 00:02:24,939
We were through God knows how many
rounds and we were exhausted,
39
00:02:24,940 --> 00:02:27,819
but it was neck and neck
going into the final challenge,
40
00:02:27,820 --> 00:02:29,379
the Hoover dash for the finish line.
41
00:02:29,380 --> 00:02:31,899
Good girls, yourselves.
42
00:02:31,900 --> 00:02:33,019
They're neck and neck...
43
00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:35,699
I nearly had it.
Everyone thought I was going to win.
44
00:02:35,700 --> 00:02:37,019
This is very unusual, now.
45
00:02:37,020 --> 00:02:40,139
The favourite, Mary Whyte,
seems to have left the course.
46
00:02:40,140 --> 00:02:42,059
But it was not to be.
47
00:02:42,060 --> 00:02:45,419
I was disqualified. Seeing Gerty
48
00:02:45,420 --> 00:02:49,779
hold that trophy
was like a knife in my heart.
49
00:02:49,780 --> 00:02:51,979
That day belonged to me, not to her.
50
00:02:51,980 --> 00:02:53,540
Ooh!
51
00:02:54,700 --> 00:02:56,299
Gerty Howlett.
52
00:02:56,300 --> 00:02:58,180
She had lovely legs.
53
00:02:59,660 --> 00:03:01,459
What are you smacking me for, woman?
54
00:03:01,460 --> 00:03:03,379
It was Tom's fault you lost.
55
00:03:03,380 --> 00:03:05,139
Me?! Yeah!
56
00:03:05,140 --> 00:03:08,100
Your mother had to run off
the track to wipe your nose.
57
00:03:09,580 --> 00:03:11,299
It was my fault?!
58
00:03:11,300 --> 00:03:12,379
Don't worry about it, Tom.
59
00:03:12,380 --> 00:03:16,019
I could have had it all,
but you had a runny nose.
60
00:03:16,020 --> 00:03:20,060
Don't feel guilty that you ruined
the best day of my life.
61
00:03:21,100 --> 00:03:22,539
You should feel guilty, Tom.
62
00:03:22,540 --> 00:03:24,619
And how you make it up
to your lovely wee mammy
63
00:03:24,620 --> 00:03:26,859
is to win that holiday
and that lovely wee car.
64
00:03:26,860 --> 00:03:30,059
I haven't got time for competitions.
I'm too busy here.
65
00:03:30,060 --> 00:03:33,339
That's the spirit, Tom.
Spoken like a true househusband.
66
00:03:33,340 --> 00:03:35,899
Oh, Spain here we come!
67
00:03:35,900 --> 00:03:38,460
Well, that's me out.
I'd get bitten to death.
68
00:03:44,220 --> 00:03:47,099
Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen,
69
00:03:47,100 --> 00:03:49,619
this is not a competition
to be taken lightly.
70
00:03:49,620 --> 00:03:52,259
This is not a game.
It is blood, sweat and tears.
71
00:03:52,260 --> 00:03:53,459
It's a battle of wits.
72
00:03:53,460 --> 00:03:55,619
It took over my whole life
when I was in training.
73
00:03:55,620 --> 00:03:59,179
So this... man couldn't
ever even attempt
74
00:03:59,180 --> 00:04:01,819
the mammoth task
that is Housewife...
75
00:04:01,820 --> 00:04:03,980
Husband.
..Husband Of The Year.
76
00:04:05,380 --> 00:04:09,020
Don't meddle with things
that you don't understand.
77
00:04:12,220 --> 00:04:14,539
Still, eh, Tom? Eh?
78
00:04:14,540 --> 00:04:18,099
Wee holiday? Lovely wee car,
eh, Tom? Ole, Tom?
79
00:04:18,100 --> 00:04:19,299
No-le, Roddy.
80
00:04:19,300 --> 00:04:22,020
I'm no poxy househusband.
81
00:04:24,820 --> 00:04:27,339
Mercy me! For the love of God!
82
00:04:27,340 --> 00:04:30,819
I've only hung that washing out
ten minutes ago.
83
00:04:30,820 --> 00:04:32,460
Me work's never done!
84
00:04:35,140 --> 00:04:38,139
Into the corners,
the corners. Come on, Tim.
85
00:04:38,140 --> 00:04:39,740
Corners, corners, corners.
86
00:04:41,940 --> 00:04:44,059
Hospital corner, hospital corner.
87
00:04:44,060 --> 00:04:45,819
Shirt.
88
00:04:45,820 --> 00:04:47,059
Hello, Tim.
89
00:04:47,060 --> 00:04:48,499
Can't talk, Tom - training.
90
00:04:48,500 --> 00:04:51,059
Ironing in the rain?
91
00:04:51,060 --> 00:04:52,420
Am I? Hadn't noticed.
92
00:04:53,620 --> 00:04:56,659
What you training for? Househusband
Of The Year. God, I've been waiting
93
00:04:56,660 --> 00:04:59,339
for something like this my
whole life. I'm bloody ready.
94
00:04:59,340 --> 00:05:01,339
- Excuse the language.
- Bloody ready.
95
00:05:01,340 --> 00:05:02,459
Language! Yes. Boxers.
96
00:05:02,460 --> 00:05:04,219
Is it that Healthy Man thing?
97
00:05:04,220 --> 00:05:06,579
Very same, Tom. Hope you're not
thinking of entering.
98
00:05:06,580 --> 00:05:09,939
Why? Not ready, pal.
Don't have the hunger. Hunger?
99
00:05:09,940 --> 00:05:13,579
The hunger... to be a man-mum.
100
00:05:13,580 --> 00:05:15,659
A dad?
101
00:05:15,660 --> 00:05:16,939
No, Tom, no. A man-mum.
102
00:05:16,940 --> 00:05:20,179
To be both a man and a mum
at the same time. And I...
103
00:05:20,180 --> 00:05:21,540
am a man-mum.
104
00:05:22,580 --> 00:05:24,259
You're an idiot.
105
00:05:24,260 --> 00:05:25,339
Time?
106
00:05:25,340 --> 00:05:27,059
Four minutes, 26 seconds.
107
00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:28,820
Get in! Yes, come on!
108
00:05:30,660 --> 00:05:33,379
Good, good, good.
But we can do better.
109
00:05:33,380 --> 00:05:34,739
First positions, please.
110
00:05:34,740 --> 00:05:36,219
Isn't that, er...?
111
00:05:36,220 --> 00:05:37,539
Gerty Howlett!
112
00:05:37,540 --> 00:05:40,939
What in the name of God
are you doing in that garden?
113
00:05:40,940 --> 00:05:41,979
The secret weapon, Mary.
114
00:05:41,980 --> 00:05:44,219
Saw she was coming over for
the competition and bang!
115
00:05:44,220 --> 00:05:45,539
Signed her up for Team Tim.
116
00:05:45,540 --> 00:05:51,699
Mary Whyte and her little
runny-nosed boy Tom.
117
00:05:51,700 --> 00:05:53,699
Yes, it is.
118
00:05:53,700 --> 00:05:56,339
He's in the competition too.
119
00:05:56,340 --> 00:05:58,340
Am I? Of course you are, Tom.
120
00:06:00,060 --> 00:06:01,099
I'm training him.
121
00:06:01,100 --> 00:06:02,459
You? Ha!
122
00:06:02,460 --> 00:06:04,099
Yes, me. Ha!
123
00:06:04,100 --> 00:06:08,899
You'll never get that
into the shape of this.
124
00:06:08,900 --> 00:06:10,140
Come on, baby.
125
00:06:12,820 --> 00:06:14,219
You see?
126
00:06:14,220 --> 00:06:17,459
Well, may the best woman win.
127
00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:18,579
Oh, she will.
128
00:06:18,580 --> 00:06:21,940
I wish you all the best
of luck, Mary.
129
00:06:25,980 --> 00:06:29,260
And to you... Gerty.
130
00:06:38,460 --> 00:06:40,459
Listen, sugar lumps,
word of advice -
131
00:06:40,460 --> 00:06:42,459
leave the man-mum stuff to the pros.
132
00:06:42,460 --> 00:06:43,900
Don't want you to get hurt.
133
00:06:46,100 --> 00:06:47,819
Gerty... Mary...
134
00:06:47,820 --> 00:06:49,179
Tom... Tim...
135
00:06:49,180 --> 00:06:50,619
Runny nose.
136
00:06:50,620 --> 00:06:52,059
Moustache. Stupid face.
137
00:06:52,060 --> 00:06:53,659
Tit.
138
00:06:53,660 --> 00:06:55,140
Come along, Mother.
139
00:06:59,580 --> 00:07:00,540
Ooh!
140
00:07:02,340 --> 00:07:04,859
I am not entering a sexist
competition like that.
141
00:07:04,860 --> 00:07:07,539
Like I don't have enough to do
with all the washing and cleaning.
142
00:07:07,540 --> 00:07:11,299
Look, Tom, I am not a woman
to hang on to a grudge...
143
00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:14,499
but that auld bag out there
cannot beat us again.
144
00:07:14,500 --> 00:07:16,139
I will have my revenge.
145
00:07:16,140 --> 00:07:19,460
No way. I am not doing it.
146
00:07:20,780 --> 00:07:22,259
Are you ready, Tom?
147
00:07:22,260 --> 00:07:24,459
Ready. Right. Now, remember,
148
00:07:24,460 --> 00:07:27,979
some things you hoover up,
some you don't. Got it?
149
00:07:27,980 --> 00:07:30,139
Got it. OK. Go.
150
00:07:30,140 --> 00:07:32,300
Rice.
151
00:07:34,220 --> 00:07:35,619
Hoover, Tom, hoover.
152
00:07:35,620 --> 00:07:38,859
That's it, Tom, nice steady strokes.
153
00:07:38,860 --> 00:07:40,299
I know how to bloody hoover, Mum.
154
00:07:40,300 --> 00:07:41,979
Lego!
155
00:07:41,980 --> 00:07:44,619
Whoo! Ha-ha! Yeah!
156
00:07:44,620 --> 00:07:46,619
No, no, no, Tom.
157
00:07:46,620 --> 00:07:49,379
Disqualified.
158
00:07:49,380 --> 00:07:51,859
That's a rookie mistake.
159
00:07:51,860 --> 00:07:54,099
They will get you
on that every time.
160
00:07:54,100 --> 00:07:57,379
Remember, destroy the dirt,
leave the Lego.
161
00:07:57,380 --> 00:08:00,139
Right, we'll try the team song.
162
00:08:00,140 --> 00:08:01,459
We have a team song?
163
00:08:01,460 --> 00:08:03,499
? One, two, three, four
164
00:08:03,500 --> 00:08:05,339
? We like a tidy floor
165
00:08:05,340 --> 00:08:07,459
? Five, six, seven, eight
166
00:08:07,460 --> 00:08:09,700
? Dirt and Lego separate. ?
167
00:08:11,820 --> 00:08:14,659
? One, two, three, four
168
00:08:14,660 --> 00:08:16,459
? We like a tidy floor
? We love a tidy...
169
00:08:16,460 --> 00:08:18,459
? Five, six, seven, eight
170
00:08:18,460 --> 00:08:20,179
? Gerty Howlett terminate
171
00:08:20,180 --> 00:08:22,659
? Three, five, seven, nine... ?
172
00:08:22,660 --> 00:08:25,620
That title was rightly mine!
173
00:08:29,740 --> 00:08:31,340
Er, Mum...
174
00:08:32,700 --> 00:08:33,819
OK.
175
00:08:33,820 --> 00:08:35,099
Ready, Mary?
176
00:08:35,100 --> 00:08:36,499
OK, kids.
177
00:08:36,500 --> 00:08:38,019
Run!
178
00:08:38,020 --> 00:08:40,099
Scissors!
179
00:08:40,100 --> 00:08:42,819
Tom, Tom, Tom! The kids are running
with scissors in the house.
180
00:08:42,820 --> 00:08:44,459
For God's sake, do something!
181
00:08:44,460 --> 00:08:46,699
These are so sharp
and I'm running so fast!
182
00:08:46,700 --> 00:08:47,979
I'm hoovering!
183
00:08:47,980 --> 00:08:51,459
You got to multitask
if you want to be a man-mum.
184
00:08:51,460 --> 00:08:54,139
I'm going to have
my eye out with these!
185
00:08:54,140 --> 00:08:57,379
Kids out, Pat in. Pat.
186
00:08:57,380 --> 00:08:58,819
Where's me dinner?
187
00:08:58,820 --> 00:08:59,899
Get it yourself!
188
00:08:59,900 --> 00:09:01,419
Oh, no, no, no, Tom.
189
00:09:01,420 --> 00:09:04,219
You might think that,
but you would never say it out loud.
190
00:09:04,220 --> 00:09:09,699
No, you simply smile and serve up
a feast fit for MasterChef.
191
00:09:09,700 --> 00:09:13,099
I can't do this, Mum.
There's too much to remember.
192
00:09:13,100 --> 00:09:15,419
You've got to keep
on top of it, son.
193
00:09:15,420 --> 00:09:19,139
The judges could pop in at
any moment and try to catch you out.
194
00:09:19,140 --> 00:09:21,139
That's how they do it.
195
00:09:21,140 --> 00:09:22,379
Your husband needs attention.
196
00:09:22,380 --> 00:09:24,620
He's only just got in from work.
Slippers!
197
00:09:27,020 --> 00:09:28,059
OK.
198
00:09:28,060 --> 00:09:29,419
Slippers.
199
00:09:29,420 --> 00:09:31,179
Ah, you haven't warmed these up.
200
00:09:31,180 --> 00:09:32,819
Oh, my God!
201
00:09:32,820 --> 00:09:34,219
They're not going on properly.
202
00:09:34,220 --> 00:09:36,099
His feet are rejecting them!
203
00:09:36,100 --> 00:09:38,460
Where's me cup of tea?
204
00:09:50,860 --> 00:09:53,299
He'll never be ready, Roddy.
205
00:09:53,300 --> 00:09:54,700
I can't work with this.
206
00:09:55,820 --> 00:09:57,739
Come on, Pat.
We might as well leave.
207
00:09:57,740 --> 00:10:01,460
It seems that Gerty Howlett
has beaten us once again.
208
00:10:02,780 --> 00:10:04,859
One, two, three, four...
209
00:10:04,860 --> 00:10:06,460
Pat! I'll have to go.
210
00:10:08,100 --> 00:10:09,459
Come on, mate. Up you get.
211
00:10:09,460 --> 00:10:11,579
I can't. I'm too tired, Roddy.
212
00:10:11,580 --> 00:10:12,659
I'm too tired.
213
00:10:12,660 --> 00:10:16,899
Aye, son. Being a man-mum
is a hell of a task, isn't it?
214
00:10:16,900 --> 00:10:18,899
You coulda been a contender, son.
215
00:10:18,900 --> 00:10:21,900
You coulda been a contender, huh?
216
00:10:23,100 --> 00:10:25,500
Shame about that lovely wee car,
as well.
217
00:10:28,340 --> 00:10:29,660
Tom...
218
00:10:32,460 --> 00:10:34,060
Elaine?
219
00:10:38,140 --> 00:10:39,299
Elaine!
220
00:10:39,300 --> 00:10:41,059
Get up off your arse.
221
00:10:41,060 --> 00:10:42,459
You've got a holiday to win.
222
00:10:42,460 --> 00:10:44,339
I can't. I'm done.
223
00:10:44,340 --> 00:10:45,739
I am done.
224
00:10:45,740 --> 00:10:48,579
That's what I said when I was
pushing Dylan out at the hospital
225
00:10:48,580 --> 00:10:49,979
but what did you say to me?
226
00:10:49,980 --> 00:10:53,820
"If you think you have it bad,
you want to see it from this end."
227
00:10:55,820 --> 00:10:58,859
That's right, you did.
But you were still there for me.
228
00:10:58,860 --> 00:11:00,899
You're my man.
229
00:11:00,900 --> 00:11:03,819
OK. All right, then.
We'll start in the morning.
230
00:11:03,820 --> 00:11:05,139
No, we'll start now. Come on.
231
00:11:05,140 --> 00:11:08,539
Oh, I've been training all day.
232
00:11:08,540 --> 00:11:12,459
Mum made me do awful things.
I had to cut Dad's toenails.
233
00:11:12,460 --> 00:11:13,900
I threw up twice.
234
00:11:15,060 --> 00:11:17,579
Come on, Tom. Do it for your mum.
235
00:11:17,580 --> 00:11:18,939
Do it for me.
236
00:11:18,940 --> 00:11:21,699
Do it for yourself, Tom.
That's all that matters.
237
00:11:21,700 --> 00:11:24,299
That's all that matters? And the car
and the holiday in Spain.
238
00:11:24,300 --> 00:11:26,619
But yes, Tom. Do it for yourself.
239
00:11:26,620 --> 00:11:27,979
Can you do it?
240
00:11:27,980 --> 00:11:28,939
Yes.
241
00:11:28,940 --> 00:11:30,299
I can't hear you.
242
00:11:30,300 --> 00:11:33,259
Yes. Ugh!
243
00:11:33,260 --> 00:11:34,539
Tim wouldn't quit.
244
00:11:34,540 --> 00:11:36,739
Oh, yeah.
245
00:11:36,740 --> 00:11:38,579
He just keeps going and going.
246
00:11:38,580 --> 00:11:39,979
He never stops.
247
00:11:39,980 --> 00:11:44,099
He makes me sick with his moustache
and his positivity
248
00:11:44,100 --> 00:11:45,739
and his moustache!
249
00:11:45,740 --> 00:11:47,139
Well, I'll show him!
250
00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:48,860
The moustache face.
251
00:11:50,420 --> 00:11:52,020
That's my man-mum!
252
00:11:53,540 --> 00:11:54,859
Who's a man-mum?
253
00:11:54,860 --> 00:11:56,219
I am!
254
00:11:56,220 --> 00:11:57,299
Yes!
255
00:11:57,300 --> 00:11:58,540
Agh!
256
00:11:59,700 --> 00:12:01,300
Ooh!
257
00:12:03,820 --> 00:12:05,420
Waargh!
258
00:12:16,140 --> 00:12:18,100
The Hoover's broken!
259
00:12:22,700 --> 00:12:23,979
Ready, Tim?
260
00:12:23,980 --> 00:12:26,139
Ready.
261
00:12:26,140 --> 00:12:28,539
You have mastered
the spirit of the Hoover,
262
00:12:28,540 --> 00:12:29,939
the ways of the washing
263
00:12:29,940 --> 00:12:31,819
and the power of the iron.
264
00:12:31,820 --> 00:12:35,139
Now you must conquer the harshest
housewife environment -
265
00:12:35,140 --> 00:12:37,099
the kitchen.
Conquer the kitchen, yes.
266
00:12:37,100 --> 00:12:39,619
Be at one with the cupboards
and the floor.
267
00:12:39,620 --> 00:12:41,979
I am the door. I feel the hinge.
268
00:12:41,980 --> 00:12:43,379
Are you ready, Tim?
269
00:12:43,380 --> 00:12:44,819
Ready.
270
00:12:44,820 --> 00:12:45,780
Go!
271
00:12:49,580 --> 00:12:51,180
Cupcakes!
272
00:12:56,060 --> 00:12:57,459
Decorate!
273
00:12:57,460 --> 00:12:59,420
Dainty, dainty!
274
00:13:00,460 --> 00:13:01,500
The dinner, Tim!
275
00:13:20,900 --> 00:13:24,499
Time?
Three minutes, 19 seconds!
276
00:13:24,500 --> 00:13:26,979
Get in! Yes!
277
00:13:26,980 --> 00:13:29,179
We'll show those judges...
278
00:13:29,180 --> 00:13:32,860
and that Mary Whyte
and her so-called son.
279
00:13:48,860 --> 00:13:50,259
Time?
280
00:13:50,260 --> 00:13:52,580
Nine hours, 28 minutes
and seven seconds.
281
00:13:53,740 --> 00:13:55,499
I'm so tired, Elaine!
282
00:13:55,500 --> 00:13:57,259
We're all tired, Tom.
283
00:13:57,260 --> 00:14:00,059
God! We're never going to
get to go on holiday.
284
00:14:00,060 --> 00:14:02,219
I quit!
285
00:14:02,220 --> 00:14:05,100
I didn't raise a quitter!
286
00:14:06,180 --> 00:14:09,619
Mum! What are you doing
here at this hour?
287
00:14:09,620 --> 00:14:11,539
She dragged me out of my bed.
288
00:14:11,540 --> 00:14:15,179
I was having a lovely dream
of living on a chocolate boat
289
00:14:15,180 --> 00:14:17,059
with biscuits for oars,
290
00:14:17,060 --> 00:14:19,579
sails of sweet rice paper,
291
00:14:19,580 --> 00:14:21,739
floating on a caramel sea.
292
00:14:21,740 --> 00:14:23,139
Shut up, Jabba!
293
00:14:23,140 --> 00:14:24,939
You...
294
00:14:24,940 --> 00:14:26,739
You need to dig deep.
295
00:14:26,740 --> 00:14:29,860
You need to get in touch
with your inner mammy.
296
00:14:32,100 --> 00:14:37,099
Tom... there are three stages
to finding your inner mammy.
297
00:14:37,100 --> 00:14:41,220
The first stage is to find
the right mammy face.
298
00:14:43,380 --> 00:14:45,419
Now...
299
00:14:45,420 --> 00:14:46,580
Sad mammy.
300
00:14:48,460 --> 00:14:49,979
No!
301
00:14:49,980 --> 00:14:52,499
Never let them see
that you're hurting.
302
00:14:52,500 --> 00:14:55,379
Let the pain that you're feeling
fester within you.
303
00:14:55,380 --> 00:14:57,540
Now, sad mammy.
304
00:14:58,900 --> 00:15:00,299
Good, Tom, good.
305
00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:01,939
Sad mammy.
306
00:15:01,940 --> 00:15:02,939
No!
307
00:15:02,940 --> 00:15:05,579
Always look happy!
308
00:15:05,580 --> 00:15:07,259
Angry mammy!
309
00:15:07,260 --> 00:15:09,939
No! Hide it!
310
00:15:09,940 --> 00:15:13,219
Come on! Look, you've no money
in your bank account,
311
00:15:13,220 --> 00:15:15,219
the bills are flying
through the door
312
00:15:15,220 --> 00:15:17,619
and your husband just drank
all the Christmas presents.
313
00:15:17,620 --> 00:15:19,499
Come on, come on!
314
00:15:19,500 --> 00:15:21,179
I-I can't! I can't!
315
00:15:21,180 --> 00:15:22,700
No, no, no, no!
316
00:15:23,700 --> 00:15:26,379
I told you, I will not
tolerate quitters.
317
00:15:26,380 --> 00:15:27,579
Now, sad mammy.
318
00:15:27,580 --> 00:15:32,179
Sad, angry, happy.
319
00:15:32,180 --> 00:15:33,499
Come on! Sad mammy.
320
00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:36,260
Good, Tom. Good, Tom. Good, Tom.
321
00:15:41,540 --> 00:15:46,539
Now, Tom, you need to master the
relaxation techniques of the mammy.
322
00:15:46,540 --> 00:15:48,059
What?
323
00:15:48,060 --> 00:15:51,459
You need to go to a small,
dark place where no-one can see you.
324
00:15:51,460 --> 00:15:52,699
OK.
325
00:15:52,700 --> 00:15:56,499
Surround yourself with cushions
and scented candles.
326
00:15:56,500 --> 00:15:58,979
I'm too tired to light candles.
327
00:15:58,980 --> 00:16:02,339
You need to go to
that tiny, tranquil place
328
00:16:02,340 --> 00:16:04,939
in the very middle of your soul
329
00:16:04,940 --> 00:16:07,019
and you need to fill it...
330
00:16:07,020 --> 00:16:08,780
with gin.
331
00:16:11,140 --> 00:16:14,779
This is the final phase
and the most difficult, Tom -
332
00:16:14,780 --> 00:16:17,419
coping with the crap that comes out
of their air hole.
333
00:16:17,420 --> 00:16:19,619
I don't know why I
go to the doctor any more.
334
00:16:19,620 --> 00:16:22,099
He's normally a young fella,
so I should be telling him
335
00:16:22,100 --> 00:16:23,139
what's wrong with him,
336
00:16:23,140 --> 00:16:25,179
instead of him telling me
what's wrong with me.
337
00:16:25,180 --> 00:16:26,339
Just ignore him, Tom.
338
00:16:26,340 --> 00:16:29,419
He's talking, his lips are moving,
but there's nothing there.
339
00:16:29,420 --> 00:16:30,459
Don't let him break you.
340
00:16:30,460 --> 00:16:32,859
Good man, Tom. Keep going.
341
00:16:32,860 --> 00:16:34,019
No-one wants to know.
342
00:16:34,020 --> 00:16:36,499
You get to my age and
there's no point in living.
343
00:16:36,500 --> 00:16:38,459
They make the steps
on the buses higher,
344
00:16:38,460 --> 00:16:40,539
so pensioners like me
can't get up on them.
345
00:16:40,540 --> 00:16:42,539
It's just noise.
346
00:16:42,540 --> 00:16:44,099
You know what you don't
see any more?
347
00:16:44,100 --> 00:16:45,460
A fella with a good hump.
348
00:16:47,220 --> 00:16:48,899
When I was a lad,
they were ten a penny.
349
00:16:48,900 --> 00:16:52,779
You head off into town now and you'd
be hard pressed to find a good hump.
350
00:16:52,780 --> 00:16:53,819
Hold.
351
00:16:53,820 --> 00:16:56,819
I blame this cosmetic surgery
that has made humps extinct.
352
00:16:56,820 --> 00:16:58,659
Time? 48 seconds.
353
00:16:58,660 --> 00:17:01,459
Well done, Tom.
Fine man yourself, Tom.
354
00:17:01,460 --> 00:17:04,499
You know, I don't know
how I'm still alive,
355
00:17:04,500 --> 00:17:06,939
listening to that muck all my life.
356
00:17:06,940 --> 00:17:09,019
Do you think he's ready, Mary?
357
00:17:09,020 --> 00:17:11,499
I don't know. Oh, he must be.
358
00:17:11,500 --> 00:17:12,500
Tom?
359
00:17:16,260 --> 00:17:18,540
Where's my best tea set?
360
00:17:21,260 --> 00:17:22,660
He's ready.
361
00:17:32,540 --> 00:17:34,339
Very good, Tom. Very good.
362
00:17:34,340 --> 00:17:36,059
Oh, great. Me favourites.
363
00:17:36,060 --> 00:17:38,020
No!
364
00:17:40,180 --> 00:17:41,620
Who's that? Pat!
365
00:17:44,420 --> 00:17:47,379
Two weird-looking blokes,
with blazers.
366
00:17:47,380 --> 00:17:49,659
The judges. I knew
there'd be no warning.
367
00:17:49,660 --> 00:17:52,459
Remember your inner mammy
and stay focused.
368
00:17:52,460 --> 00:17:54,539
They'll try to trip you up
at every corner.
369
00:17:54,540 --> 00:17:55,419
OK.
370
00:17:55,420 --> 00:17:57,620
Ladies and gentlemen, the judges.
371
00:17:58,700 --> 00:18:00,219
Mr O'Reilly...
372
00:18:00,220 --> 00:18:02,979
and Mr McGrath. You're very welcome.
373
00:18:02,980 --> 00:18:04,619
I am Mary...
374
00:18:04,620 --> 00:18:08,339
Ah, the great Mary Whyte,
from the famous face-off of '78.
375
00:18:08,340 --> 00:18:09,419
A true contender.
376
00:18:09,420 --> 00:18:11,179
Yes, a true contender.
377
00:18:11,180 --> 00:18:15,659
And tell me, did you have
many entries this year, sirs?
378
00:18:15,660 --> 00:18:18,460
Oh, er, many, many entries, Mary.
379
00:18:23,020 --> 00:18:25,939
Well, thank you for coming,
gentlemen.
380
00:18:25,940 --> 00:18:29,099
And this is my son Tom.
381
00:18:29,100 --> 00:18:30,379
Hello, Tom.
382
00:18:30,380 --> 00:18:32,300
Hello, sirs. Hello.
383
00:18:34,220 --> 00:18:38,499
This must be the good wife
and these must be your young lads.
384
00:18:38,500 --> 00:18:40,259
Yes, this is Drew. He's nine.
385
00:18:40,260 --> 00:18:42,299
This is Dylan. He's 12.
386
00:18:42,300 --> 00:18:44,539
And this is Elaine - she's...
387
00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:46,539
my wife.
388
00:18:46,540 --> 00:18:49,059
Tom, you have a very tidy home
389
00:18:49,060 --> 00:18:52,099
and the children haven't spoken...
so far.
390
00:18:52,100 --> 00:18:55,939
But don't you find that children
are the natural enemy
391
00:18:55,940 --> 00:18:59,820
of a tidy, well-run home?
392
00:19:01,060 --> 00:19:02,259
Oh, yeah, sure.
393
00:19:02,260 --> 00:19:05,379
If it wasn't for my wife, I would've
sold them to the circus ages ago.
394
00:19:05,380 --> 00:19:07,259
Very good. Very good.
395
00:19:07,260 --> 00:19:11,659
But of course, as a, er,
caring househusband...
396
00:19:11,660 --> 00:19:12,979
I'm only joking!
397
00:19:12,980 --> 00:19:15,900
Double bluff! Excellent work, Tom.
398
00:19:16,940 --> 00:19:18,419
We're done with you now.
399
00:19:18,420 --> 00:19:21,220
You may go to the garden
and play with your hoops.
400
00:19:24,820 --> 00:19:27,980
And now... your wife.
401
00:19:29,540 --> 00:19:30,819
Hello.
402
00:19:30,820 --> 00:19:33,459
So, tell me -
how long are you together?
403
00:19:33,460 --> 00:19:35,699
Ooh, er... Tom?
404
00:19:35,700 --> 00:19:37,900
Oh, er... How long, Tom?
405
00:19:39,620 --> 00:19:42,939
Er... Is it 15 and a half years?
406
00:19:42,940 --> 00:19:44,660
Correct!
407
00:19:46,820 --> 00:19:49,459
I've never been wrong
about a lady's face yet.
408
00:19:49,460 --> 00:19:52,260
It's almost as if you can tell
what they're thinking.
409
00:19:56,300 --> 00:19:58,499
Excellent. Please take a seat.
410
00:19:58,500 --> 00:20:01,819
And finally, just a few questions.
411
00:20:01,820 --> 00:20:03,220
Oh, no problem.
412
00:20:05,380 --> 00:20:07,459
What's the best way
of descaling a kettle -
413
00:20:07,460 --> 00:20:10,220
white vinegar, marbles
or a sand blaster?
414
00:20:11,380 --> 00:20:13,619
A sand... No, no - white vinegar.
415
00:20:13,620 --> 00:20:15,379
How often should you clean
your lavatory?
416
00:20:15,380 --> 00:20:17,579
Oh, it's, er, once a...
417
00:20:17,580 --> 00:20:19,379
Oh! Every time it's used.
418
00:20:19,380 --> 00:20:22,059
What should you do after
handling raw chicken?
419
00:20:22,060 --> 00:20:27,739
Oh, disinfect the work surfaces,
boil the knife and burn your clothes.
420
00:20:27,740 --> 00:20:32,459
And finally, Tom, if I spilled
red wine on this carpet,
421
00:20:32,460 --> 00:20:35,259
would I clean it up with a mop,
pour salt on it,
422
00:20:35,260 --> 00:20:37,019
or dab it with a tissue?
423
00:20:37,020 --> 00:20:38,660
None of the above.
424
00:20:40,180 --> 00:20:42,900
I wouldn't let red wine
in this good room.
425
00:20:44,820 --> 00:20:47,659
Well, we've seen enough.
426
00:20:47,660 --> 00:20:51,660
I'm sorry to say that...
427
00:20:55,340 --> 00:20:57,019
you've got to pack your bags.
428
00:20:57,020 --> 00:20:59,379
You're coming all the way
to Birmingham
429
00:20:59,380 --> 00:21:02,220
for the finals of
Househusband of the Year.
430
00:21:04,060 --> 00:21:05,659
Thanks very much. Brilliant!
431
00:21:05,660 --> 00:21:07,019
Oh, well done, son.
432
00:21:07,020 --> 00:21:10,899
And to think, you'll be
up against your neighbour.
433
00:21:10,900 --> 00:21:13,179
Yes, Tim Curtain.
434
00:21:13,180 --> 00:21:14,740
Good day to you.
435
00:21:16,420 --> 00:21:18,140
Gerty Howlett.
436
00:21:27,500 --> 00:21:32,420
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Househusband Of The Year!
437
00:21:34,700 --> 00:21:38,860
And please welcome your host,
Mr Roni Broad!
438
00:21:44,460 --> 00:21:46,299
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.
439
00:21:46,300 --> 00:21:48,739
Yes, indeed, welcome to
the Househusband Of The Year.
440
00:21:48,740 --> 00:21:52,899
The first of its kind, coming to you
from the great metropolis of...
441
00:21:52,900 --> 00:21:55,859
Birmingham, yes.
But firstly, ladies and gentlemen,
442
00:21:55,860 --> 00:21:58,219
would you please welcome
our intrepid contestants.
443
00:21:58,220 --> 00:22:01,820
Firstly we have Tim -
it's curtains for you - Curtain!
444
00:22:06,220 --> 00:22:08,580
Oh, look at that. Ha-ha!
445
00:22:09,700 --> 00:22:12,820
And then we have
Tom - whiter than white - Whyte!
446
00:22:19,100 --> 00:22:21,339
That's great, huh?
447
00:22:21,340 --> 00:22:24,739
Fantastic, fantastic.
Smashing tracksuits.
448
00:22:24,740 --> 00:22:27,099
Tell me, lads,
how are you feeling, Tom?
449
00:22:27,100 --> 00:22:30,499
I'm sharper than a crease on
a freshly ironed pair of slacks!
450
00:22:30,500 --> 00:22:31,820
Very good.
451
00:22:33,300 --> 00:22:37,139
And you, Tim? Hotter than a
polycotton duvet on a boil wash!
452
00:22:37,140 --> 00:22:40,339
Oh, very good. Very good.
So tell me, Tom,
453
00:22:40,340 --> 00:22:44,299
what would winning Househusband
Of The Year mean to you, huh?
454
00:22:44,300 --> 00:22:47,539
Well, Roni, I just want to be
a good role model for my family.
455
00:22:47,540 --> 00:22:49,739
That's lovely, lovely.
456
00:22:49,740 --> 00:22:52,419
And Tim?
To hold that trophy aloft
457
00:22:52,420 --> 00:22:54,180
and then ram it down Tom's neck!
458
00:22:56,940 --> 00:22:59,020
But I'd polish it first!
459
00:23:00,980 --> 00:23:05,219
Well, audience, I think
Tom and Tim are ready to be...
460
00:23:05,220 --> 00:23:07,660
A man-mum!
461
00:23:10,820 --> 00:23:13,180
Snappy with that nappy.
462
00:23:27,900 --> 00:23:30,340
Bash out the bootees.
463
00:23:33,220 --> 00:23:34,220
Kill him, Dad!
464
00:23:39,700 --> 00:23:41,540
Plump up the volume!
465
00:23:58,220 --> 00:24:00,299
The boys are starting
to get a bit tired now.
466
00:24:00,300 --> 00:24:03,180
Tom Whyte didn't have a great
shampoo and set round there, huh?
467
00:24:05,780 --> 00:24:08,059
Well, after 34 rounds,
468
00:24:08,060 --> 00:24:11,499
our two valiant househusbands
are neck and neck,
469
00:24:11,500 --> 00:24:15,259
which means this final round
will be the decider.
470
00:24:15,260 --> 00:24:17,500
Ladies and gentlemen,
the grand finale.
471
00:24:20,980 --> 00:24:24,259
So, firstly our men will have to
find a single red sock,
472
00:24:24,260 --> 00:24:26,619
which is hidden here
in this white laundry.
473
00:24:26,620 --> 00:24:30,379
Then on to scrub that toilet clean,
and finally on to
474
00:24:30,380 --> 00:24:34,899
our famous ten-metre Hoover dash
to the finish line.
475
00:24:34,900 --> 00:24:36,539
Are you ready, men?
476
00:24:36,540 --> 00:24:38,739
Right. On your marks.
477
00:24:38,740 --> 00:24:40,539
Get set.
478
00:24:40,540 --> 00:24:41,979
Go!
479
00:24:41,980 --> 00:24:43,219
Right, there they go now.
480
00:24:43,220 --> 00:24:45,539
They're off to try and find
that single red sock
481
00:24:45,540 --> 00:24:48,059
amongst all of that white lot of...
Oh, Tim's out first.
482
00:24:48,060 --> 00:24:49,739
Good man, Tim, well done.
483
00:24:49,740 --> 00:24:51,059
Tom is struggling a bit here,
484
00:24:51,060 --> 00:24:52,939
but he should be able
to find it somewhere.
485
00:24:52,940 --> 00:24:55,819
Tom's out now. Good man, Tom.
Off he goes.
486
00:24:55,820 --> 00:24:57,499
Oh, look at that.
487
00:24:57,500 --> 00:25:00,539
Our boys are scrubbing
for their lives.
488
00:25:00,540 --> 00:25:03,179
That's it.
Come on, lads. You can do it.
489
00:25:03,180 --> 00:25:05,500
Give them a bit of encouragement
there, folks. Come on.
490
00:25:07,620 --> 00:25:09,499
Yes!
491
00:25:09,500 --> 00:25:12,980
Oh, very good, but Curtain's
only a flush behind him!
492
00:25:14,700 --> 00:25:17,140
To the ten-metre Hoover dash!
493
00:25:24,140 --> 00:25:25,660
Quicker, Tom!
494
00:25:38,580 --> 00:25:42,579
Oh, my God. Oh, my God,
what a disaster!
495
00:25:42,580 --> 00:25:45,539
After 35 rounds, we may not
have a winner.
496
00:25:45,540 --> 00:25:48,419
I haven't seen a disaster
like this since...
497
00:25:48,420 --> 00:25:51,899
Well, do you remember the infamous
Housewife Of The Year 1987? Huh!
498
00:25:51,900 --> 00:25:54,219
When poor old Audrey Jenkinson
499
00:25:54,220 --> 00:25:56,980
tragically got her own face
caught in a Hoover.
500
00:25:58,100 --> 00:26:01,419
Well, this is unprecedented. Both
our finalists are incapacitated.
501
00:26:01,420 --> 00:26:03,979
Talk to me now -
what do you want to do?
502
00:26:03,980 --> 00:26:05,339
If they have. Right. OK.
503
00:26:05,340 --> 00:26:07,819
All right, so listen,
the judges have conferred.
504
00:26:07,820 --> 00:26:11,139
They will allow a substitution
from each side -
505
00:26:11,140 --> 00:26:15,300
but is there anybody in here
who's man enough to take it on?
506
00:26:17,420 --> 00:26:19,420
I'll do it!
507
00:26:26,660 --> 00:26:28,739
Well, this is unbelievable.
508
00:26:28,740 --> 00:26:33,379
Now we have two titans of
Housewife Of The Year 1978 -
509
00:26:33,380 --> 00:26:36,579
Mary Whyte and Gerty Howlett. Ha-ha!
510
00:26:36,580 --> 00:26:39,179
They're once again
locked in mortal combat
511
00:26:39,180 --> 00:26:41,179
for this prestigious trophy.
512
00:26:41,180 --> 00:26:44,660
And may I say, girls,
you haven't changed one bit.
513
00:26:46,420 --> 00:26:47,939
There we are. Now, are we ready?
514
00:26:47,940 --> 00:26:49,539
On your marks.
515
00:26:49,540 --> 00:26:51,099
Get set.
516
00:26:51,100 --> 00:26:52,340
Go!
517
00:27:11,780 --> 00:27:14,740
'I could have had it all
but you had a runny nose.'
518
00:27:47,340 --> 00:27:49,419
Mary! Mary!
519
00:27:49,420 --> 00:27:50,619
Pat!
520
00:27:50,620 --> 00:27:52,419
I'm here! I love you, Mary.
521
00:27:52,420 --> 00:27:54,820
I love you too, Pat!
522
00:28:11,798 --> 00:28:51,978
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
523
00:28:52,028 --> 00:28:56,578
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
37347
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof