Original subtitles

KNOCK ON DOOR

You OK, Meg?

Well, the game is now shit, I've been promoted twice and I hate

my job, and I've just been dumped by the world's most fascinating man.

Did you know he was an accredited cobbler? Yes. Yeah, I did know that.

You know Back To The Future, right? Or Hot Tub Time Machine,

Timecop, Source Code, Looper, Interstellar, 12 Monkeys,

Time Bandits, Timecrimes, The Girl Who Leapt Through Time,

The Time Machine, and various other sequels?

I know some of those films, Meg.

Do you ever wish you could just go back? Well, me and Jay are pretty...

..but no. Totally. SHE SIGHS

Oh, Meg. Hiya, Mum. Are you all right? Yeah.

Good. Can I just pop up to my room quickly?

VIDEO MUSIC JINGLES

Behold, retro Kingdom Scrolls, the glory days.

Look at these low-res polys. How did we live like this, Meg?

We were just kids, Usman. We didn't know any better.

This was a different time -

Avril Lavigne and flip phones, before Facebook came along

and gave mums a platform to sell kitchen items.

And why are we playing this, again?

Cos, I don't mean to sound harsh, but it looks fucking shit.

It's just less accessible, you know?

Cos modern Kingdom Scrolls is just so fucking accessible.

See, I think that's why I liked it, cos it's accessible.

That's because you basically have a disability, Russell.

You're gaming disabled. Or game unable, if you prefer.

My God, it's so basic and repetitive. Nicky would love this.

Where is he anyway? Oh, um, I think he's getting ready to

meet his girlfriend for the first time or whatever. Usman!

Guys, I need to bounce, Zara's making me a big lunch.

Usman, I think it's time.

Oh, boy.

Argh! Ow!

Sorry, Martin just gave me a dead arm. Martin?

Yeah, there's a man living with me now. It's me, Annette, and Martin.

He just goes wherever he wants. He's like a house cat but a man.

A house man.

OK, no, Russell, this is a nightmare.

Just get out of there and go home.

Holy shit. That's Bramble Thatch Farm.

That's our old place, mine and Nicky's, from my old save.

We had cattle, pigs, a herd of slaves.

We lived here, just me and Nicky and...

THUDDING IN GAME

CHILD IN GAME: Mama, papa. Mama, papa.

Mama, papa. Mama, papa.

Oh, my God. Tobias?

Oh, um... For Daisy.

What's on the menu? What is this giant meat here?

Veal flanks. OK.

I don't think the flanks are going to fit in the slow cooker, Nicky.

That's why I've got the hand axe.

Sure, I just think any meal that involves an axe,

maybe not on a first date.

Totally. God, it is so good you're here. You know so much.

Yeah, and what are you serving with the veal flanks.

Yams! Interesting, because it doesn't sound much like a dinner,

does it, Nicky, Flanks and yams?

It sort of does. Flanks and yams. Yams and flanks. Like surf and turf.

Quite heavy as a meal. No, but that is good, you see.

If I was a girl and a man cooked me a meal, I would want him

to make me something really massive and filling. You know?

Like, "I fancy you so much, I want your stomach to be really full."

Depends, really, on whether you're thinking of having sex later

because it will sit quite heavy, the mashed yam,

as a kind of cushion for the sheer metric weight of the flanks.

Because I also got quite a big Christmas pudding for dessert.

Yeah, you're not going to want Christmas pudding, Nicky,

not after the big yam-flank double-header.

Plus, because ours is getting quite disgusting -

bit of an impulse buy really...

HE GROANS

I bought a new toilet.

Because I thought about cleaning ours but then I thought maybe it's

just better to start from scratch, you know, like a hard reboot?

But then I watched a YouTube video on it

and realised toilets aren't like light bulbs, in that they're

actually really quite difficult to change.

Now I'm thinking I probably shouldn't have brought it.

Just try and keep it tidy because Jay's coming over to stay

and he's not really into this flatmate shit.

He's encouraging me to be more grown-up.

How could you be more grown-up, Alison?

Get an artificial hip, start leaving voicemails? Oh, look at this!

The big preparations. Meat, yams, a new toilet.

All angles covered.

I just hope you know what you're doing, Nicky. Look, I get it.

It's a big deal.

When you meet someone IRL you open yourself up, right?

Will it happen? Who knows? If it happens, it happens.

It might happen. It might not happen.

Let's just see if it happens.

I am of course talking about murder. Murder? Oh, she could be a murderer.

Big time, yeah. I will just make sure I've got a weapon. OK.

No, Nicky. Not like a crossbow, Alison. Jesus.

You know, room weapon. Lampshade, heavy wooden fruit

bowl, so I can, you know, brain her if she goes psychotic. Oh.

By the way, in case you cared, he's still alive.

Tobias, Nicky. Our boy.

Tobias is alive? I found him on my server. Little Toby. OK, I'm sorry.

I can feel my throat trying to claw these words back

as escape from my mouth. But who the fuck is Tobias?

Here's an NPC child in Kingdom Scrolls,

controlled by the computer.

Um, we were supposed to escort him across a desert

and reunite him with his parents,

then we figured out that if we lured Tobias home with us,

then we could brick him in and keep him indefinitely.

And then the new version came out, we migrated eight years ago.

You bricked a child in a room for eight years? Not just any child.

We used to role-play that he was ours. Hang on, you two had a son?

An adopted son, yes. And I think it

is finally time to reunite him with his birth parents. OK, mate.

I don't have time for this because I need to get the dinner on

because apparently you're only a real person now

if you cook something for fucking ages.

Bake a potato for nine years, watch a Poldark...

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Hello? Hi, is this Nicky's place?

My phone ran out of battery on the Megabus

and I'm quite dramatically early.

WHISPERS: What kind of sociopath arrives three hours early?

KNOCKING CONTINUES

Nicky. Nicky, look at me. You need to let her in.

Christ.

Daisy?

I bought an ice cream at the kebab shop. Worst decision I ever made.

Would you like to come in or have you immediately changed your mind?

I haven't changed my mind yet based on the available data set

but, you know, that is admittedly quite small. Great.

Unless you don't want me to come in. I don't have to. No, God. No, no.

I really want you to come in.

Yeah, not aggressively. I'm not being pushy. You don't have to.

There are women here. Look at the women.

Hello. These aren't captives. They are just normal free-range women.

Look very happy, the woman, even if they are enslaved.

Yeah, they do, don't they? Boop, boop.

HE CHUCKLES

Is that yes? Yeah, come on in.

This is Daisy. That's Daisy. She's here. She has come. Welcome to...

Daisy's here! Hi, I'm Meg.

Sorry, I didn't quite catch your name. Daisy. Yeah. Yeah.

I love your hair and you've got such an amazing array of teeth.

Oh!

Gosh, thanks. Thank you. Alison. Alison, yeah, incredible posture.

And skin.

And your hands are perhaps the loveliest hands

I've seen in a while. Gosh, thanks.

So...

DAISY CLEARS THROAT

So, um, I've set a heritage server up, retro Kingdom Scrolls.

She doesn't need to know about that, Meg. No, no, no.

I love old Kingdom Scrolls!

Yeah, I was, like, raised on it! Same!

Um, we were going back to a mission on an old save.

We're reuniting Tobias with his parents. Tobias,

oh, my gosh, the little NPC kid.

Yeah, with the dirty knees and the no face. Yeah.

Oh, I fucking love that kid!

Us to. We abducted him. You can abduct Tobias?!

It's just a stupid joke. I don't really... I'm not involved.

No, it's awesome. That's so cool! Yeah, impressive.

Such a long abduction. Yeah. Yeah,

we were thinking about finally finishing the mission, you know,

finally sending him home. Yeah, count me in. I'm up for it, totally!

What, do you mean like the three of us

together? Yeah, of course, I mean, you know, it'll be fun.

Like a three way.

Ha! Ha! HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

No, that's cool. Yeah, I'm cool with that. Sounds...

Cool. Cool. Shall we retire to the boud...? Yeah.

Do you actually mind if I probably bin this? Yes!

Yeah, the bin is just there. It's like I'm holding a... Ah!

"Hello! What are your thoughts, Mr Prime Minister?"

I don't... I'm not... I'll get rid of that. Sorry. That's...

Yeah, cool. I'm just going to put this in the bin.

Oh, go... Oh. Yep. It's fine. Alison...

Alison is really good at clearing up. Ooh, sorry.

This way, my lady. Just through here. OK.

Three plates, three glasses. One flank, three ways with a hand axe.

A mass of wild yams, split three ways. And Christmas pud for afters!

This is so amazing. The three of us playing together, it just works.

She's amazing. I fucking love her. God, she's so amazing.

Sounds weird but I get it now, I do. She deserves a new toilet.

She totally deserves a new toilet.

She shouldn't have to expose her buttocks to that limescaled

atrocity in there.

My, the meal is so dense it might actually crack a plate.

We're cooking dinner for Daisy. Division of labour.

She's looking after Tobias while we cook and then later, at the end of

the day, we will just sleep together in a pile in front of the fire.

I'm sorry if you find that confronting, Alison.

I literally didn't say anything.

Is not like we're some weirdo three-way sex cult with me

as the de facto leader.

Having said that, we are always on the lookout for more womenfolk.

Extra pair of hands would make short work of the raisin harvest.

Once we've return Tobias we are

thinking of retiring to Bramble Thatch Farm.

Opening up the muffin stand in time for another winter festival.

Me and Daisy wearing matching bonnets, if you're into that.

Oh...

It's so tempting but no thank you.

And if you could keep this to a dull roar cos Jay is here.

He's here? yeah, we're brainstorming ways to break it to

Kerry about our relationship, turn it into a kind of an event,

like a gender reveal party but for infidelity.

I don't know.

I just hope you've got this shit locked down, Nicky, you and Daisy,

because she is a great fit for us.

Meg, of course I've got this shit lockdown.

Although, now I think of it, I can't remember any actual physical

contact since she arrived. What, none?

None at all? Right, you need to get in there

and you need to touch her right now.

Meg, I'm not going in there and touching her.

What if she is only your friend, Nicky?

What if she is not even your girlfriend and you have gone

so in love with her that you brought her a fucking toilet?!

Just get in there, pile her full of yams, and lock this shit down!

Yeah, OK. Oh, fuck!

Mama, Papa.

Right, just need to escort Tobias across the desert of skulls.

Oh, do you actually mind if we take a quick breather?

I think I've got a veal hangover. That was an incredibly hefty meal.

Thank you. I just think I feel a bit claggy. You know?

Mmm, claggy, I love that. The first sign of a good feed.

Yeah.

Oh.

Do you want me to rub it for you? Your throat?

Like a throat rub? Just sort of like?

Just massage the Adam's apple, just to aid digestion, really.

I don't actually have an Adam's apple. Thank you.

Oh, course you don't. Sorry!

I was... Right, let's get back to it. Sure.

USMAN: Hey, guys,

contractions are slow this end so we've got some time.

Whose contractions? Who do you think? Zara, my wife.

Wait, she's pregnant?

She is pregnant as balls, as I believe the obstetricians say.

Holy shit, Usman.

I know. I can't believe it myself. A baby!

Because I've got two children and, what, now a third?

The mind boggles, it really, truly does.

And she's OK, yeah, Zara? Oh, she's fine.

I was stroking her arm and I thought, "This is so cute,

"this is really helping her to sleep."

So I rigged up an electric fan to a bit of wire coat hanger with

a bit of feather on the end and she is loving it.

I'm just glad I could be here to do that for her.

Oh, tits on a snake, I'm dead!

OK, Nicky, Daisy is dead. Let's both kill ourselves and start again.

Totally. Let's kill ourselves so we can be dead with Daisy.

No, it's fine. If you're halfway through just go on ahead without me.

Daisy, we're a three now. A golden triangle. We do this together.

No, you have to finish what you started.

You're his mum and you're his dad. It's a big deal, I get it.

I mean, not really.

It's just some stupid role play thing

from 40,000 years ago or whatever.

A little more than that but, yeah, no, he's right.

It's not like we're fucking married or anything.

Although we were briefly in Kingdom Scrolls but that was just...

Just for the XP.

Cos there is no feelings or whatever. Oh, fuck my slippers, no.

God, actually makes my pubes turn grey just thinking about it.

My pubes are visibly falling out.

You can't see them because they are in my trousers but they are.

TPA. Total pube alopecia. Lot of pube chat.

If I actually had any feelings for Meg, would I do this?

SHE LAUGHS

Exactly! And would I then go like this?

See? Clonk!

Careful on the old elementals there, Meg.

Oh-ho-ho! Smiting your game wife, not a great look, Nicky.

Look at us, hey? A domestic. What will the neighbours say?

They will probably say,

"Wow, that hunchback is really ragging on that man boy in a cape."

Not a man boy, Meg. She's got very narrow shoulders.

Oh, your total goggle-eyed bitch!

Uh-oh. No, my mouse is lagging!

Nicky... Nicky, no! Just think of Tobias. No, come on...

SHE GASPS

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

See?

Absolutely no feelings whatsoever.

OK. Well, she's in here.

Ha-ha! OK. All that unsaved progress up in smoke, nice.

Wait, no, Nicky. That's my room. Nicky! No, no, no!

Oh, my God! What the fuck, Nicky? You did it to me!

Yeah, but only because you stoned my head in in front of our son!

What, do you think he saw?

He doesn't even have a fucking face, Meg?

What the fuck is going on here? Thank God! OK.

Well, Nicky has assaulted me, and I did not want to play this card,

Alison, but I am basically just a victim of spousal abuse!

Enough! You've woken up Jay and, God knows, he needs his sleep right now.

Also, earlier, in the kitchen, he finds a toilet

and a significant quantity of leftover boiled yams.

And how the fuck am I supposed to explain that?!

Now, I put up with a lot from you two

and I just think perhaps it might be time, not immediately,

not tonight, but one day that you think about finding your own place.

Because, you know, Jay might want to move in at some point

and the kids are going to want their own room,

and he's got dogs, which I've just found out about.

Fuck! Finally it all becomes

clear because I thought you were just being a mate, Alison.

You know, "Get a boyfriend, Meg. Drink more water. Go outside, Meg.

"Oh, nutrients!"

Alison, were you just trying to turn me into a normal person

so that I would leave your flat? What? No!

Getting me over my addiction,

Healthy balance, normalising my libido?

Alison, have you been preparing me for the real world.

I mean, what the fuck is this, Alison?

Is this some kind of jihadi training camp but instead of teaching people

to blow themselves up, you teach them

how to get themselves a boyfriend or make a poke bowl?!

It's actually po-KE. Oh, big fat shit, Alison!

I'm not saying now. I'm just saying you can't stay here forever.

That's fine. We didn't even want to stay here forever, did we, Nicky?

Actually, I think perhaps I did. So I'm just playing catch up.

MEG SCOFFS

Nicky?

Oh...

Right, so that's my supposedly girlfriend

inside the bivouacked tent inside the living room.

And finally my sexual humiliation is complete.

Just so glad you were both here to share it with me.

Oh, hey.

Hello!

I like your tent. Thanks.

Essentially just a polyester body bag.

Weirdly, they called

and offered a deal on an earlier flight back to Salzburg.

Well, that was nice of them.

So I just pushed a button on an Uber and, yeah, it's two minutes.

And, uh, in terms of, like, you and me.

Yeah, I just don't know if I'm equipped for this content.

You and Meg...

It's just, I'm an emotional invalid

and this here seems like some pretty harsh psychological terrain.

Sort of like a psychosexual Mordor but it's been super fun.

Oh. Oh. Oh, sorry. Nice mallet. Yeah, it's for the tent.

Also to use as a cosh in case you turned out to be some

sort of berserk pervert. Oh!

That's so weird. I actually had a lampshade ready for you. Donk!

Oh, my god! Yeah. We were both totally ready to slay each other.

Going forward, um, would it be OK if I called you my ex-girlfriend?

Oh, uh...

I guess that would be fine. OK then, great.

TEXT MESSAGE NOTIFICATION Will do.

Arriving now.

Great, one minute early. Fucked by the algorithm once again.

Yeah. Um...

Bye, then, waving guy.

Bye.

USMAN: My God, I've just rubbed my wife's back

so hard I've given myself thumb cramps.

I was taking a 40 minute comfort break.

Usman, don't you think you should be in there with her?

Well, in a very real way, I already am.

I rigged up a pillow with a Bluetooth speaker inside it and

I've recorded over 60 unique phrases which are playing on shuffle.

"Push, honey."

"You're doing great."

HE GASPS "I can see the head!"

So where are we on the mission? You know what, Usman?

I've turned a blind eye more times than I can remember.

I mean, that time you logged on from the vestibule

at your cousin's memorial service.

No, shut down the laptop, get back in there or, God help me,

I will smite you down myself.

What am I doing?

I'm about to become a father for the third time and, look at me,

hiding by the dialysis clinic and meanwhile my beautiful wife

is being serviced by a desk fan and a talking pillow.

No, I'm out of here! Meg, thank you, but you are on your own.

MOBILE RINGS

Hello? ALISON CRYING

OK. Alison, slow down. Jay just broke up with me!

Nicky!

Go and ask her if she's OK. I can't ask her if she's OK, Meg.

I'm visibly making the tea. I'm visibly making the tea.

Nicky...

Fine then, Nicky!

Are you OK, mate? No, I don't... I don't want to talk about it.

I just want to get drunk.

Just anything to stop myself from thinking.

I mean... if it's mindlessness you're after.

Here comes the pain train, motherfuckers!

Alison, Alison, Alison! They are all dead, Alison.

Oh, sorry. I'm just getting used to it.

RUSSELL: Hey, guys. What did I miss?

Oh, my God, Russell. Please tell me you made it out of Annette's.

Yeah, because guess what, one of my friends from the game

offered me a place to stay so I just got on the next plane.

Sorry, you got on a plane?

Yeah...to the Philippines. I've moved to the Philippines!

I've really landed on my feet this time.

Russell, get me a can of Mountain Dew

and angle the desk fan towards my arse crack.

HE SINGS TO HIMSELF

Shut up.

NICKY: We did it. We finally did it.

Finally. Mama, Papa!

He's home. Back where he belongs.

Oh, my God. Is Kingdom Scrolls usually this emotional?

Alison, do you honestly think I would play it

if it was as heart-stirring as this?

So what's next? Another cy-mish?

Bring it on. I never want to leave the flat again.

I have waited for you to say those words my entire adult life, Alison.

Guys, I have an announcement to make and it's pretty damn huge.

It's going mobile.

They just announced Kingdom Scrolls Go

for iPhone and Android!

Kingdoms Scrolls

It's fun for young and old

We come to fight for gold

An experience board

Kingdoms Scrolls

I love thee, Kingdoms Scrolls

Just like...

Subtitles by Red Bee Media