Original subtitles

Meg?

Alison?

Anybody home? Anybody home?

Nicky?

KNOCKS ON DOOR

Nicky, were you calling me?

Did you need me?

Nicky?

Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus Christ, no.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Shit, shit, shit!

Nicky! Nicky! Please, Nicky!

Oh, my God. Nicky!

Oh, my God. Nicky! Nicky! Nicky!

Nicky! Alison? Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. What the fuck? Alison!

It's stuck! It's stuck! Agh!

HORSE SQUEALS

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't look at me! INDISTINCT WAILING

I'm sorry!

Meg! You're late.

Yeah, because guess what, they fucking promoted me.

Again?! I know! The fuckers.

I've got a team, a pension, some poor prick has to get me coffee.

It's a fucking shit show. Meg, that is amazing.

Oh, yeah. It sure is, Alison.

Maybe I'll just get myself a leather bag

so I can put my laptop in it with a banana. Hm?

PHONE RINGS

Oh, oh. Here we go! Here we go. Work phone.

What?

Yes. Bye.

Colleagues love a fucking chat, don't they?

PHONE CHIMES

SQUEAKY VOICE: Oh, wh-wh-what the fuck is this now? Mm?

Oh, it's Greg on the fuck phone. Seriously. How is he? Greg?

We had sex, Alison, and it was amazing. Oh, my God. Meg.

Only slight shitter is now I want to do it with him all the time.

It's like when a lion eats a child

and suddenly it's got a taste for human flesh

so they have to plant drugs in a burger

and blow its fucking brains out with a handgun.

DOOR OPENS

CLEARS THROAT Nicky.

Alison.

Since you're both here, you can give me a hand.

I'm doing a big clean. Glass of vino, blitz the absolute tits

out of the kitchen. Hold that thought, Alison.

Indefinitely. Mega patch going live in two.

And what the fuck is mega patch, please?

They've released an update for Kingdom Scrolls

and it is going to fix everything that is wrong

with the expansion pack.

Hail to the mega patch! Hail to the mega patch!

Just to say...

..you may have heard what sounded like whinnying

coming from my computer earlier...

I don't want to know. OK, cos it was actually an erotic dynasty warriors

scenario with horses present, but they were very much onlookers.

OK?

Just to be clear, no horses were fucked in the making of that video.

It just...

Between you and me, everything that happened with Daisy

in that cave...

I've been awakened, Alison.

Well, that's good then, isn't it? MICROWAVE DINGS

BLOWS NOSE LOUDLY

Just feels nice.

Usman, my brother, you ready to get mega patched?

Meg, I was born ready.

I was actually born prematurely, that's how ready I was.

I was so ready, I came out three months early and almost died.

God, I need this because this is my window.

This is my one night off of work and Greg..

COMPUTER CHIMES ..and oh, oh!

What the red-hot cinnamon shit cakes? 335 fucking mins?

Oh, my God. I've got the same mins. That is insane!

That is an insane quantity of mins!

It's a super-abundance of mins.

I'm drowning in a glut of mins!

Guys, my download is only 17 mins.

What the fuck? Sorry.

I'm actually staring down the barrel

of a very reasonable portion of mins.

Where are you? How are you getting connection speeds like that?

I'm on a relaxing vacation with my wife.

I'm being facetious, obviously.

I had a four-day layover in Seoul, so I'm taking a mini-break

from the relentless grind of family life.

And these are pretty much optimum gaming conditions.

Dark, quiet.

It's like being inside a womb.

Like a very high-tech, interactive 4K womb.

And that is my kind of womb.

It's gone up a min! How has it gone up a min?

Those min-hoarding fucks.

Sounds to me like maybe you got a Wi-Fi leak in the house.

Bandwidth emergency. Shut down your devices immediately.

What are you doing? Putting an end to this gluttonous intake

of our precious megabytes.

Look at this! IPad just streaming a shit video to no-one.

That's the news. There's been a landslide.

Ooh, a landslide!

Meg, what are you doing?

I'm unplugging the smart fridge. It's not a smart fridge, Meg.

Alison, I eat the yogurts. The yogurts come back.

It's a fucking smart fridge.

Those are my yogurts, Meg. I buy new yogurts

because you eat my old yogurts.

Nicky, speed check! It's barely moved the needle.

Fuck! Well, what now? I don't know, I guess we just have to sit here

and wait. What?! For 330 mins?

What are we supposed to do? I could read a fucking novel.

I won't, but I could.

Curse you, dual link router, and your absurdly low ping rates.

God, I hate you sometimes.

Don't deserve those firmware upgrades.

Right. Well, if you're doing nothing, you could come

and help me with the freezer. I'm defrosting it.

Oh, defrosting the freezer?

That is so you, Alison. Doesn't even make sense as a sentence.

"Defrosting the freezer." What's next?

Detoasting the toaster, huh?

Actually, it really needs doing because somebody tried to freeze

a half gallon milk container filled with what appears to be liquidised

Peking duck, and then wrote "Cantonese smoothie" on the side,

and then left the door open.

So now the whole thing's basically frozen solid.

Alison, I'm not just going to help you, OK? Why should I?

There's absolutely no incentive for me.

Right. What if I rewarded you with imaginary XP?

Then obviously my response would be,

"How much imaginary XP?"

Oh, oh, loads, millions.

Well, no, that's not realistic, is it? A million XP?

That'd be like being crowned Emperor of Japan.

This is 6,000, 7,000 max.

Yeah. OK, yeah. Yeah.

6,000 XPs.

Plus a big bowl of home-made chilli.

Meg, Meg, come on. It could be a laugh.

The three of us hanging out.

All right. Fuck it.

I'm in but only because I've got nowhere better to be

for the next 900 million mins.

Great. I'll start on the cooker.

SCRAPING

It's been incredibly well-balanced, the experience of defrosting

this freezer, because drawer one - or level one - that was just an

ice cube tray and a couple of stray Magnums,

but that just introduced the core mechanic. And then, boom!

Level two!

The mid-level boss - a large, frozen chicken

welded to a garlic baguette.

This...this is my sword in the stone.

289 mins remaining. Ughh!

PHONE RINGS

Oh, oh! And what's this now? Oh, it's the work phone. Again.

Seriously, am I the only dipshit around here

who knows how to run a design agency?

What?

Well, shrink the logo, slap a gradient on it

and then drop in a stock shot of a diverse family

and shaft them for 795 quid plus VAT.

Goodbye!

Oh, my God, Meg. That was actually really impressive.

Yes, I know. I'm brilliant at it. It's a fucking nightmare.

We should celebrate your promotion.

Because I'm celebrating, too, actually.

Oh, yeah? Celebrating what?

Jay and Kerry have had a massive row.

I mean, an absolute toxic horror show right in the middle

of Debenhams, of all fucking places. I mean, talk about symbolism.

A dying marriage in a dying department store.

Obviously terrible for little Poppy Rose having to watch her mother

having a...what we in these enlightened times

would have called "an epi" in the middle of Northampton.

But, you know, great for me!

That's nice, then.

I mean, the point is it's all happening.

But don't worry, because we're all moving on in our lives.

You and Greg, you, your awakening.

What awakening?

Oh, just me and Daisy...

fucked in a cave.

Interesting. Kept that quiet.

It actually sounded really romantic.

Apparently it was like Game of Thrones with Jon Snow

and that wildling one, but they actually had massive blocks

instead of heads.

I did my one too, actually, but in a bed.

And with heads. What?

Really? Yeah, Nicky. Really.

Because, uh, what...what resolution was your sex?

1440p.

We tried 4K but frame rate was too slow.

576 megapixels.

Now that's, that's the resolution of a human eye.

That's what I had sex in.

Great. Good for you.

You couldn't handle that Nicky, all that reality.

God, it'd blow your eyeballs out your arsehole.

OK, maybe I'll just text her right now, invite her to come and stay.

Oh, yeah. Great idea. Maybe you could put some cardboard boxes

on your head and fuck in the airing cupboard.

No, I can't do it.

But you'd like to? See her? Obviously I'd like to, Alison.

I'd also like a firmer handshake and some charisma.

Whatcha gonna do?

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, you know what you've done here, mate, don't you?

Only gone and fallen in love with your one. What?!

No, I haven't.

I just like her. Your one's totally gone in love with you.

My one is not in love with me! Yes, he is.

He took you out for that panini meal.

It wasn't a meal, Nicky, that was a panini.

A panini with the crisps and a drink - as a fucking meal, Meg.

Oh! When is this game ready?

Usman, Usman,

are you playing it yet? Almost.

And I got to say it, these guys really know how to grind.

Because the guy at the next station, totally sparko on his desk.

His face is on the actual keyboard.

Usman, he's not...he's not dead, is he?

Oh, no.

We don't think so.

No, there's just a vibe going around that he's not dead.

PHONE PINGS

It's from Daisy.

She's saying, "OK, that would be amazing."

Oh. I texted her from your phone,

asking her if she wants to come and stay with you.

Alison, you total blouse-wearing maniac.

What the flip have you just done?

Just trying to help.

Daisy is coming to see me.

SQUEALS

LAUGHS MANIACALLY

Oven...is looking...spotless!

God, I envy you, in a way, Alison.

Not in a patronising way, but, um, you know,

I've got a whole team of humans to boss around,

a boyfriend who text me once every four hours

and nine fucking kingdoms to save when this download finally fishes.

You've only got a bloke and a kitchen and that is enough.

Cos, I mean, the upkeep of tradesman Greg alone is monumental.

He's a very needy man. You know, cos he's looking to spend, like,

four to five hours at a go with me, and I don't care who you are,

that's a fuck of a lot of an evening to chow through.

Did you know he's a master of wine? Yeah, he did say something about that, I can't remember.

You can't remember your boyfriend telling you he's a master of wine?

Alison, he says a lot of things.

What, am I meant to ascribe meaning to all of it?

Wait...

What's this?

Huh...

It's like a loot drop at the end of a level.

This could be anything, Quorn sausage, vol-au-vent, anything!

This is so great! A real-world loot drop.

And Daisy's coming to see me.

No, yeah, that's great, Nicky.

I just hope you're up to it, with Daisy. What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, cos you read all this stuff, don't you?

Blokes who have been jacking it for so long,

flaying their sad little glands to hardcore Japanese tentacle porn

that they've effectively brain-damaged let their libido.

All right, I mean, it definitely still works...

..cos I get them during combat sometimes.

Sorry, during combat?

If I do something cool, or I get a good drop.

Might get the odd combat chubby.

Occasional scroll pole.

Scroll pole?! No, Nicky, do not try normalising this by doing a rhyme.

Nicky, I think it's weird you're getting erections from the game.

Cos she's coming here, mate, in the flesh.

Question is, can you get combat chubby, but for a woman?

Oh-h-h-h...

Uh...

OK, Alison, and I appreciate this might...

..be a difficult conversation if handled incorrectly, but...

..can I look at your bras to see if my penis still works?

The fuck are you talking about now?

No, no, not in a disgusting way, I just, I just, need to look at

a physical bra and then visualise the fatty deposits

that go inside of the bra.

Oh, wow, congrats, Nicky, you've finally turned my stomach. Kudos.

Usman, where are you with the mega patch?

Because I'm still on the business of a fat fucking shitload of mins?

Yeah, it's downloaded, I am playing it right now.

It's great.

Some really neat fixes.

It has, sadly, been somewhat overshadowed by events.

The paramedics just came and hauled him away.

What I wrongly assumed to be an unusually deep power nap

was in fact, potentially, the deepest nap of them all.

Suffice to say, it's a very heavy atmosphere in here right now.

Yahoo!

All we can do is hold our breath, pray, and, of course, keep playing.

I keep hitting his space-bar for him,

just to make sure he doesn't get kicked from his game.

TEARFULLY: Cos I'd sure as shit like to think he'd do the same for me.

Rise, O timid one.

HE SIGHS

And lo, he is risen.

Just to fill you in on the continuing saga

of old John Thomas...

..rude health. OK...

And full disclosure, I was looking at one of your bras,

but only in the abstract. Oh, my... Which bra?

The grey and black one.

Stripes, balcony cup, cracking little bra.

It might not have the bells and whistles of all the other bras,

with their eyelash lace and scalloped hems, but...

WHISPERED: ..it's the little bra that could.

Nicky... Mm-hm?

That wasn't my bra.

What are you talking about?

How am I supposed to live like this, Alison?

Cos there's just not enough hours in the day, is there?

Work, Greg, game, sleeping, eating...

The other one. Not socialising?

Oh... OK, no, sorry, um, but I was just gonna say, "shitting".

I just was.

Meg, you just need to put boundaries in place. A healthy balance.

Ah...

Wow, OK...

OK, I knew it, I fucking knew you were a Scientologist,

with your...shoes and positivity... It's not Scientology, Meg.

It's just good, common sense.

Nicky! Nicky?

Have you heard what Alison's on about?

I'm just telling Meg about the need for a healthy balance.

HE SCOFFS What's this, then? Marxism?

It's not Marxism, no!

Because I feel, on some level, you've enjoyed this, tonight.

Meg... Not playing the game.

I do sort of feel different

because, for once, you know,

it feels like my skull isn't coming in on itself.

I think, perhaps,

what you're describing there is the feeling of not having a headache.

And, you know, little bit less time in the game,

little bit more time for lovely Greg.

And, Nicky, you could maybe take some more time out

in the world, normalise your libido.

Cos, you know, I'm visualising this confused little imp,

piloting your genitals and he's saying...

SQUEAKILY: "Please, please, give me a healthy balance, Daddy."

And I don't know why he's saying, "Daddy", but, then, you know, he is confused.

MEG GASPS

It's a credit card! Oh, God...

That's mine.

Why is your credit card in the freezer?

Do you remember when I had that big spending problem? And I bought, like, three settees in four months?

And I got that little bald patch from stress?

Uh...

God, yeah, it was like it was yesterday. Huh...

Well, I froze it to stop myself from using it.

And, you know, the point is, like you two, everything in moderation.

A healthy...balance.

Healthy balance balance.

ALL, SLOWLY: Healthy...balance.

Healthy balance. I could do that. Yeah, no, I could do it.

I could do it first.

Well, I feel healthier already. Well, she was asking me to do it.

Well, I'm really interested in healthy... Tell me more about that healthy balance.

It's just everything in moderation... She's already said everything...

Cos I remembered what she said. Enough, I'm in! I'm in! Fuck it!

I don't need to hear any more about it. Let's do it. Stop talking about it. I want to do it now, let's go.

Well... Here we go. My first act of a healthy balance is I would like to toast it.

To... To... To a healthy balance!

A healthy...balance! To a healthy balance.

A healthy balance...

Mm-m-m-m-m!

Oh-h-h-h! It's grapey.

I don't feel very well.

A healthy balance. More! More! More! More!

Yeah! Yay!

BEEPING

Uh...

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Um, what happened?

I think, from the state of our mouths, it was, perhaps, red wine that happened.

Ugh...

Meg...

SHE SHUDDERS

What thy fuck?

What...thy...actual fuck?

W-thy-F?!

Oh, morning.

How are you feeling? Alison...

Where's the router, Alison? You know where it is...

..don't...you?

Um, I'm afraid it's where you left it.

Oh, no...

Oh, no! Holy fucking shit!

I mean, I tried to talk you out of it,

but we were talking about healthy lifestyle and you got so excited!

No, this isn't real!

This can't be real.

At one point, you actually started stomping around the living room

and chanting, "Healthy balance!"

THEY CHANT

I think you thought that if you froze it, it might stop you playing for a couple of days.

You spiked me, Alison! You spiked my wine with more wine.

Look at me, Alison. "Healthy balance" written all over me -

I look like a fucking muesli box! But this is what you wanted!

Alison! Does this...

..look like anything anybody would want?

Well, no... Not specifically, no.

This is all just a drunken mistake.

No... We just need to defrost the router and get back online.

Get our lives back, renounce this hateful ideology!

Oh, my God, look at me.

Like some fucking warning sent from Greek mythology, just damned

to thaw out her frozen router with a tiny, refillable lighter.

It's not going to work, Meg. We've broken it. It's all fucked.

SHE SOBS

My one has the internet.

My one has the internet!

Hi, Greg, can we come in, please? We just need the juice.

Also I'd like a glass of actual juice.

Yeah... HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Nice to see you again.

Meg, the download, it's nearly done.

Usman? Come in, Usman?

Yeah, I'm still here. And guess what? They fucking revived him!

He was ten minutes dead, but then they just slapped those

big old paddles on him and it brought that sucker back!

Yeah! He just smashed back a can of Monster and boom!

He's back in the game!

I've got to say it, most inspiring damn thing I ever did see.

Talk about an underdog story.

He's like the Rocky Balboa of sitting on his ass.

Kim?

Kim?!

SOFTLY: Kim?

In my spare time, I recondition vintage camera lenses.

Mm-hm. Busy, busy.

I think Alison was telling me,

I must have forgot, that you are a master of wine?

HE GIGGLES

Yeah, yeah...

SOFTLY: I'm actually the youngest wine master

in the northern hemisphere, so yeah...

It's just wine! THEY LAUGH

Yeah, it's just...fruits... It's fruits...!

SHE LAUGHS Yeah...

Anyway, Greg, I'm in love with you.

HE LAUGHS, SHE CHUCKLES

Mm-m-m. Ah, Meg...

So, my one has just broken up with me,

but he says it's fine if we stay and use the Wi-Fi, so that's a result.

Why has that happened, then?

Um, because, apparently, I am quite distant at times

and guilty of sending mixed messages.

KEYBOARD TAPS

And are you, uh...?

..you OK about that?

Tippity-top, thanks.

Cool.

SHE SNIFFLES

HE SINGS SOFTLY

Kingdom Scrolls

It's for boy, young and old...

We come to fight for gold

And experience po-o-o-oints.

SHE SNIFFLES

That's better, isn't it?

Everything better now?

HE PATS HER ON THE BACK Be OK, mate.

HE SIGHS FORCEFULLY

Jesus Christ, N... Nicky! No, it's not... It's just... Fuck's sake!

It's just from the...thrumming of my keyboard on my lap!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media