Original subtitles

MEG: And then softly, softly...

..softly...

CREATURE ROARS, ALARM BLARES

Fuck!

MUFFLED SCREAMS

This fucking mission is impossible!

Why?! SHE CHUCKLES

Why?! WHY?!

It's really difficult, isn't it?

Russell, it's an act of outright fucking sadism.

Every time the same - just repetitive, relentless,

merciless drudgery.

I appreciate that sounds fun, but it isn't!

It just isn't. That's it. It's USB time.

No, Usman, don't do it!

Meg...I told myself every time you fail the mission, you get it again.

WIRE WHIPS, HE CRIES OUT IN PAIN

What is wrong with me?

Why can't I do it?

Do you think I should go to the doctor's?

No, Meg, no doctors.

Right, first positions. We go again.

DRUM ROLL

WHIPPING, USMAN SCREAMS

So, Alison, I don't want to make a big thing of this, but, um...

..I want you to have all of my tights and my trainers

if anything happens to me,

because...basically, I'm pretty sure I've got Parkinson's disease.

OK... Is this to do with the mission, Meg?

Failing the mission was my first symptom of Parkinson's, yeah.

Right, I see. Losing control of my hands,

loss of fine motor skills... DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

..it...it explains everything.

I'm so sorry. Have you told her, Meg?

I've told her about me, yes, Nicky.

HE SIGHS

OK...

Alison...

And this is going to be tough for you to hear.

..we think we may have Parkinson's.

You don't have Parkinson's, Nicky.

If anything, I've got more Parkinson's than you!

I'd love to have your level of Parkinson's. Please!

Puh-lease!

You've probably just got, like, very mild MS.

I don't think either of you have Parkinson's.

I think perhaps you're a little bit stressed

and you've just come across a level that you can't do.

THEY SCOFF AND LAUGH

Wh...?! Sorry, hang on.

Um, Alison, which do you think is more likely -

that I'm unable to complete a side mission on a game that I've

been playing on and off for about, what, 14 years? 14! 1-4.

Or that I've got a disease that

affects as many as one in 800 people?

Face it, Alison, I'm Parkinson's as fuck.

Not quite as Parkinson's as me.

Yeah, but I've got a relationship to maintain.

You don't have a relationship, Nicky.

I'm in a wordless relationship that's based on consensual waving.

Uh, with a girl who pulled your guts out from your anus.

It's an off-beat modern romance, Meg.

Sorry you find that so challenging.

OK. Well, a little bit of housekeeping.

Uh... There is a man coming round tomorrow to service the boiler.

Whoa! Hang on... What?! There's a man coming round?

What kind of man? A tradesman?

A tradesman, Meg, yes.

You just need to let him in.

Let him in?! What's next, Alison - give him a bath, trim his nails?

This really isn't a good time for us, Alison.

We've got a mission, we've got weekly challenges.

We've got Parkinson's.

You just need to let him in, make him a cup of tea.

It's not a big deal.

Make him a cup of tea?!

I'm not fucking making him a cup of tea, Alison!

What is he, a little bird that needs looking after?

Should I chew up some worms and spit them in his mouth?

I don't think that would be appropriate, Meg, no.

He's going to want to show us what he's done.

Oh, my God, he's going to make us LOOK at what he's done!

"Ooh, look at this! Look at that! I gave it a bevelled edge!"

He's going to want a compliment. Men are so fucking needy.

Thirsty for compliments, thirsty for tea. Men are so fucking thirsty!

I think I need to go and lie down.

All this stress has given me a Parkinson's flare-up.

Yeah, yeah, same.

Thanks for the Parkinson's flare-up, Alison.

ALARM BLARES, CREATURE ROARS

LOUD WHIPPING, HE SCREAMS IN PAIN

Bullshit! Fucking bollocks! Shitty stealth mechanic piece of shit!

Maybe we just need to look at a walk-through on YouTube.

Oh, is that who we are now, Russell - those people?!

Maybe we could invite some real men over to chop off our sausages

while they fuck our wives.

Goddamn!

CRASHING, USMAN GROANS Usman?

HE SIGHS AND BREATHES DEEPLY

It's OK. I'm fine.

I'm just building some flat-pack furniture

and a karate chopped a deep shelf.

At couple's therapy, I agreed to do more acts of love labours

for my wife, but then I got waylaid with the mission,

so now I've got 16 acts of attentive care to do by Monday

or I fail my fucking marriage.

This is like fucking Groundhog Day!

What's that, then? Groundhog Day?

The film. Oh, I don't really like films.

What do you mean, you don't really like films?

I don't know. They've just never really made one that's grabbed me.

Films? You've seen films?

I've seen eight films...

Ghost, Heat, Jaws,

Rocky, Cool Runnings...

..the Hungry Games and the Seabiscuits.

Annette tried to put one on last night,

so I just pretended I was asleep.

Annette? Oh, I've met someone.

Yeah, it's a proper world-wind romance.

She's my Uber driver.

Your Uber driver?

My mum kicked me out and I needed a place to stay, so I put in

my mate's address, but then she picked me up and we got talking,

and she must have really liked me cos she ended up just driving me

straight back to her house.

That was four days ago.

Russell...have you been abducted?

No, nothing like that.

Is it?

And she makes me dinner with a pudding every night.

And the sex...

..well, it's a lot.

It's a lot more than you'd think.

How old is she, Russell?

Oh, not that old.

Like, 30 or 40 or 50. Something like that.

OK, Russell, sounds like what you've got there is a sex mum.

A sex mum? A sex mum, yeah.

It does sound like you've got what we in American would call a sex mom.

DOOR BUZZER

DEFCON 1. That's the tradesman. Go on, then. Why should I go?

Because, you've got more in common with men than I do.

You share, like, 60% of your DNA with men.

Men are my natural predators.

It's like you're making a shrew answer the door to an owl.

What am I, then, if you're a shrew?

You're a Barbary macaque. An owl has no interest in a Barbary macaque.

They're not even part of the same ecosystem.

PERSISTENT BUZZING

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Curse my deep psychological need to appease male authority figures.

Remember, tradesmen are like hedgehogs -

the more liquid you give them, the more they come to expect.

In fact, hide the kettle. Good, good, good, good, good, good.

Remember your conversation stoppers?

"I don't know, mate. I'm just staying here for a bit.

"You'll need to talk to Alison about that."

Perfect.

Hey, I'm Greg.

For the boiler.

Right. Sorry I was late. Traffic.

Oh, sorry, mate. I don't really know about traffic.

GREG LAUGHS SOFTLY

Uh, where's your boiler?

Friend, you might as well have just asked me

for bicycling directions to the Hamburg Symphony Hall.

THEY CHUCKLE

Shall I get started, then, or...?

Uh... I don't know, mate.

I'm just staying here for a bit.

You'll need to talk to Alison about that.

DOOR SHUTS

CREATURE ROARS, ALARM BLARES

Fuck!

My God!

I've got a list of love labours as long as my dick,

but this game just fucks me up every single time.

LOUD WHIPPING, HE SCREAMS IN PAIN

God, Daisy's back online. Um, see you later.

Wha... What?

So you're just quitting, off to do some more sexy waving?

Uh.... Yes. Bye.

All right, here goes.

MALE: Halt. Who goes there?

Uh, hey, sorry. I was just on my way to wave at that nice girl.

Oh, bless. Looks like we've got ourselves another fanboy.

Cos if you're here to get it on with Daisy Chainsaw,

take a ticket from a ticket-dispensing machine.

Oh. Um, sorry, I didn't realise she was such a... ..big deal?

The level 110 cleric who uses double broadswords and is

a verifiably attractive female is a big deal. Isn't that strange?

It's been verified, her attractiveness?

Yes, we're all quite pathologically smitten with her.

I'll ping you her Insty.

You're lucky, she's just moving into her summer wardrobe.

Lots of pinks and lavender tones.

Sounds amazing. Aw! Did you feel you had a connection?

Well... Um, no. I mean...

..kind of.

You know, she once wrenched my innards out through my bottomhole

and then handed them to me. Right.

So, she does that to all the boys, then, does she?

But from that disembowelling came a movement.

We call ourselves the 12 Disciples. We're a brotherhood.

Just men supporting men supporting a woman

who doesn't know she's being supported by the men.

It's glorious.

Wow. She is so beautiful.

And that's been independently verified?

Oh, her face, we can all agree on.

Her precise height - let's just say that's something of a hot topic.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. There are those who'd have you believe

she's something of a Goliath, six foot seven, or so they claim.

Or based on a single holiday photo in which a Diet Coke can

looks quite small in her hand.

Then there's the other camp.

They'll tell you that she's four foot nine, because they've compared

the size of her cranium to the width of her shoulders

in the famous Paris balcony shots.

My God, that is so intensely obsessive.

I love it.

Because none of us are actually going to get together with her.

I mean, I live all the way in the Philippines.

HE CHUCKLES

Because of my work. My job.

My job has lead me to live in the Philippines,

and that's why I live in the Philippines. OK.

And also the cost of living,

and that's the other reason why I live in the Philippines.

Maybe I should be living in the Philippines! Sounds kind of dreamy!

We have found a fulfilment for ourselves by orbiting her.

Scraps from a queen's table can make a good meal for a hungry serf.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Sorry, mate, could you come and have a quick look at something?

Seriously? I'm just staying here. You need to check with Alison.

It won't take a minute.

Huh? OK, I have to level with you - I have no idea what I'm looking at.

It didn't do that before. Didn't it?

Look, I noticed it, I thought, it won't take a minute. No charge.

MEG: What's the tradesman making you look at?

There's a lever and it's making the plug go up and down.

Didn't it do that before? Apparently not, no.

LEVER CLUNKS

Yeah. Sorry, mate, I think that's probably

all the times I can look at that.

Actually, Nicky, can you look at it a few more times

so I can sneak to the toilet? OK...

All right?

I'm Greg.

ROMANTIC CLASSICAL MUSIC

Would you, um...

..like some...cups of teas?

Your kettle's under the sink.

SHE SNORTS LAUGHING

So, did he come, the man?

He came, yeah. Meg looked him in the eye and fell in love with him,

started compulsively making him cups of tea.

OK, that's not what happened.

At one point, she ran out of mugs, and contemplated making him one in

one of those detergent dosing balls that you put in the washing machine.

OK, Nicky, yeah, if you must know, I wanted to fuck the tradesperson.

Happy now?

So, come on, what was he like?

He was just a bloke.

Don't even remember if he had a face.

Exactly, he was just like, erm...

Just like, you know, erm, short hair, rugby arms, car legs.

Car legs? Yeah, he was just all, you know, like, leggy.

Like a blokey, blokey, leggy trades bloke. You know?

Put him in a Superdry puffer jacket, pop Sky Sports News on,

and he'll be all like, "Wahey!"

Yeah, so basically what I'm trying to say

is that he's just absolutely Tesco.

Right. Tesco?

Daisy's not Tesco.

She's incredible.

Should see her in her summer finery.

Effortless chic in a simple cotton shirt dress from Monsoon.

Yeah, er, Nicky's joint a cult of masturbators who obsess over

a girl they've never met, and swap theories on her height

relative to light switches and door knobs.

That's correct, Meg, we do.

We like to admire her from afar.

It's basically my ideal relationship.

All the pain, none of that sweet, complicated game.

That sounds quite powerfully depressing, Nicky.

Well, it absolutely isn't, Alison.

That's about all I can say on that.

Anyway, yeah, he came.

Now he's gone. I lost my window.

I mean, he probably wasn't your type anyway.

You're not exactly Tesco, are you?

I can do Tesco, Alison.

Can you, though, Meg?

Please! I can turn it on whenever I want.

I could lark normo for somebody.

Sure you can, Captain Normality.

Oh, you don't think I can do normal?

Nicky, I-I can do so normal

that I would make Alison look like a psychedelic crack hippie

who's trying to barbecue her own dreadlocks.

DOOR SHUTS

Night, Meg.

BEEP Hi, er, this is a message for Greg the tradesman.

Erm, our boiler's still not working, weirdly,

and I wondered if you could maybe pop round to fix it.

You know, I've reached a sort of zen with it now.

I surrender myself unto the mission.

Now, please excuse me while I lash myself with this scart cable.

DOG BARKING

Sorry, ignore that, that's just Bogs.

Bogs? Bogs. Big Bogs. Annette's dog.

He's a German shepherd and he doesn't like me at all very much.

He's made that very clear.

We shut him out in the hall cos otherwise he gets a bit bitey

and humpy.

Worst bit's the sex.

You guys fuck the dog?!

No! God. He just likes to watch us.

Bogs watches you fuck?

I mean, there's a gate, so he can't get in,

but he just...sits and watches.

BARKING

And he growls every time I go on top.

He's not even very keen on the sideyways one,

so now I just...just stay on the bottom.

He's trained you, Russell.

Bogs has trained you.

You now fuck to please that dog.

You're basically a camgirl for a German shepherd.

BUZZER

Right. The tradesman's back.

Time to go full metal normo.

Tradesman Greg! Two days in a row, God, people'll start to talk.

How are you?

How were the roads?

Were the roads kind to you?

Yeah, not bad. Um...so what's happened with this, then?

I don't know. It's weird, it's like it's gone totally fucked.

Yeah, it's like it's haunted or something.

You know, clanking noises, steam coming out of it.

We had... We had water spraying out of the toilet a 3am. What?

So...what you've done to it, Greg, fuck only knows.

GREG SIGHS

How many spanners have you got?

What's that? In total, spanners.

Erm...15, 20.

A goodly amount of spannery things!

Gogglebox.

Fuck me senseless, what a show.

I don't really watch it, you know.

Oh, yeah, what you too...

NORTHERN ACCENT: ..too busy getting trousered

with yer mates down snooker club?

No idea why I went northern.

Do you like eggs?

Do I...? Like eggs.

Erm...

..yeah, sometimes. OK, great. You want eggs?

No, I like eggs, but I...

You keep working, I'll rustle you up a six egg breakfast.

What's a six egg breakfast?

Greg, sweetheart, you let me worry about that.

Yeah, she's in a good mood today.

She just posted on her Insty -

got a macchiato from that place down the road that she likes.

Oh, let's just hope they remembered

to spell her name correctly this time.

Don't worry, I phoned the cafe.

Needless to say, they won't be making that mistake again.

HE CHUCKLES

NICKY LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Seriously, though, I...phoned in a bomb threat.

The manager got a burn on his face from a tear gas canister.

Oh, dear.

Erm, we're going to go and harvest some gear for her.

Do you mind keeping an eye?

Don't, er, don't bother her, just show her devotion by your presence.

Meg, Meg, the girl from the game, she wants to voice chat,

and I'm totally blank. I don't know what to...

What are some of the things that people can say?

Nicky, Nicky, come here.

WHISPERING: Nicky, Nicky, can you shut the fuck up, please,

because I'm trying to act fucking normal?

What the fuck are you doing?

I'm cooking a six egg breakfast.

What the fuck is a six egg breakfast?

I don't know. I've put two in an omelette,

but now I've got four fucking eggs left

and I don't know where to put them. Where do I put them?

Do I...put them in the beans? You can't put the eggs in the beans.

Eggy beans, I've heard of those, right? Have I heard of those?

This is how you're trying to flirt with the tradesman, is it?

You're trying to bind him up with a box of eggs?

Er, no, actually, Nicky, because I've got a line.

What line? A pick-up line.

Go on, then, let's hear it.

I'm not telling you, but...

..it's potent and it is suggestive.

And when I drop it, it will be automatic fuck time.

Meg, I don't know what to say to her!

Nicky. Come in, Nicky.

This is what you say, and you might want to write this down.

You tell her you own a Les Paul guitar, you're part French,

you eat a lot of oily fish, and you sometimes cry.

You have a niece and she's priceless.

You own a 21-speed mountain bike,

and you've ridden it at speed downhill.

Follow those instructions, kemosabe, you'll be dipped in unicorn shit.

NICKY EXHALES

Hi, erm, sorry to intrude.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but I was just wondering

if you could stop following me everywhere and waving at me.

Oh, wait, that's why you wanted to talk to me.

Oh, OK, cos I thought you wanted a genuine interaction,

but no, it's just a...just a boilerplate rejection.

Oh, thank fuck.

I mean, it's obviously very flattering, this whole movement

that's popped up around me, and, you know, I'm thankful

for all of the drawings, and the poetry,

and even the animatronic waxwork model.

Oh. Wow. Must be weird being you.

Oh, I mean, no-one's ever really thought about it

from my point of view, but, yeah.

Yeah, it's a bit of an adjustment. Sort of.

I guess the level of scrutiny, I think.

I never really had, like, boyfriends at school,

so, erm, yeah...

There was one kid that...

He stared at me quite a lot. Quite intense.

But, erm, did turn out that he used to lick frozen fish fingers

like they were lollipops.

Look, I get it, you're rejecting me.

Obviously I'm crushed,

but I'll...I'll just swallow it.

Oh! Oh.

Cos I find misery to be like pudding in that, erm,

no matter how stuffed you are...

..there's always room for a little more.

Waving guy, erm...

..tell me something, do you like to grind?

Yes, nice, cool, friendly girl who likes video games,

I very much like to grind.

Well, then...then shall we?

Yeah, sure.

So...

..erm, what you've got here is, erm, an omelette, scrambled egg,

fried egg, boiled egg, poached egg, and, oh, and also I just

found a spare egg at the back of the fridge so that is just a raw egg.

Just a basic seven seasons of egg.

That's a lot of egg, innit?

Thank you, Greg, yes, it is.

So, a little birdy tells me you and Daisy

have been doing a little voice on voice.

Yeah. Yeah, God, she...she's so amazing.

She's really nice and she has this amazing voice.

Like a probiotic voiceover voice.

I want you to tell me everything.

We did talk about her diet for a bit.

Your theory about her possible calcium deficiency holds up.

Bravo. You did it.

You have established a human connection.

We shall call you Neo, for you have been prophesied.

God, thanks, mate, that's really nice.

Now disciples!

ROARING

Oh, you bastards! You're coshing me.

You total, total bastards!

Punch him harder, disciples!

Punch him harder, disciples! Curse him! Curse him!

Gut him!

So, erm...

..anyhow...

..seeing as you know so much about the plumbings of a house,

I was wondering how much you knew about the plumbings, erm,

of a woman.

What?

Do you know what it is? I don't know what's going on.

I fixed this yesterday and it's, erm...

..it's broken again.

Right, yeah, does seem like you're bit of a bad boiler engineer.

But, er, anyway, in terms of plumbings of a woman...

Meg!

Meg! Ignore him.

He's an oddball.

Erm, cos the thing is, Greg, as a woman, I've got pipes,

and I was wondering how much of your knowledge

of central heating systems is transferable to me.

Meg!

Can you come and help me, please.

Basically, what I'm proposing, I think, er, if it's not too gross,

is an inspection of my internal waterworks.

Meg, please, I'm being coshed by a group of radical men in here.

Erm... Meg!

Meg! Please! I think you should go help your mate.

Ah. OK.

I get it.

You've seen right through me.

Pink-haired freako with fringe interests and a seven egg breakfast.

No, I... No, congrats, you got me.

Probably got Parkinson's disease anyway.

By the way, erm, I smashed up the boiler with a can of soup, so...

..good luck with that.

So I got to thinking as I was trying and failing to build the bookcase

that would save my marriage, it's about sacrifice.

That's the key to everything - to love, to honour, to happiness.

And that's why, Russell, I need you to stand over there

and get fucked to death by that monster.

OK, then.

It's distracted. Run!

Oh, my God, we did it!

Hurray.

Nah, I'm just so happy you finally did it.

Thanks, though, Meg, for rescuing me from the weirdos.

Oh. Guess it's just where I belong, isn't it?

Back here with the oddballs.

I'm sorry, Meg.

I know very much how you wanted that tradesperson to fuck you.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Um, Meg...

..I just found this.

Russell!

Will you come upstairs for me, please?

DOG BARKS

Now!

I got to go, guys.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media