Original subtitles

Meg, have you seen the sunset? Yep.

No, no, but have you seen THIS sunset? No, Alison.

I haven't seen THIS sunset. Well, do you want to?

MEG SIGHS Can you just stop trying to make me look at things, please, Alison?

It's just REALLY beautiful.

Honestly, you wonder why I picked the room without the window.

Just... Nicky, do me a favour, have a look at the sunset

and tell me if it's worth looking at.

Not worth it, Della. He says, "Not worth it."

Two out of ten, Del. He says, "Two out of ten."

God, so glad I didn't bother looking.

But you're OK, are you? In here?

Because I've barely seen you in the last two weeks.

I'm fine, thank you, Alison.

Just chomping through the main quest line.

Also, I've been aggressively promoted

because apparently I am good at my job.

Meg, you've got a promotion?! Mm.

They want me to take a train up to Coventry to fire an old man

who is unable to adapt to the new version of Photoshop.

So, you know... SHE CLICKS HER TONGUE

..it has its perks.

Meg, that's great news! Obviously, it means longer days.

Up early, don't leave the office until 7:30

and then straight back here to get back on it.

But you know what they say, "Work hard, play even harder."

I'm not quite sure that's exactly what they say.

Yeah, well, anyway I think I'm just going to make Greta some dinner

and put her to bed.

Oh! What are you making her?

A venison fondue with lavender frittata

and an imperial mushroom sauce.

Sounds delicious.

Oh, don't worry. It will be.

What are you doing?

Oh, erm, I just figured if I eat my food while she's eating hers

then it's basically the same thing.

Because that way it saves me from cooking a whole venison, you know?

Cor. Yeah, definitely. Total life hack.

Now, I'll brush her luscious hair while she luxuriates in her meal.

Cor! Imagine brushing your hair like that!

Don't need to, Alison, because I'm already doing it.

OK. Well, sunset beckons.

Spoiler alert, Alison.

EXHALES FORCEFULLY

The sun eventually goes down.

Thank you.

Be lucky, yeah.

So, here's a grim little nugget that will make you cry.

I just sold the last of my socks to buy more crates.

Nicky, not the socks.

And what's this you are doing now, please?

Oh, I'm squatting over the face of a Middle Eastern gentleman

while he inspects my privates in first person mode.

For coins, obviously.

CHARACTER GROANS

Oh, God! And I am sorry, people of Syria,

but THIS is the bleakest thing I've ever seen.

Oh, I'm a lost soul. No two ways about it.

I am a maniac trapped in a hell-realm.

CHARACTER CROAKS

And job down. Look, he's finished. Congrats, my friend.

You just let a man inspect your genitals for 89p.

That I did, Usman. And I did.

Russell, mate. You're always good for a couple of Kingdom Crowns.

What can I get you? Weapon? Potion? Donkey ride?

Er...how much for the actual man?

What's that? You, the man.

I want to buy the man that is you.

You want to buy me? Yeah, cos your man's really good

and I'm bored of my twatty fish man.

Go on, let me have a look at yours. Turn him around for me.

Mm...

Nice and small, isn't he? Very compact.

Make him jump.

Look at his funny, little legs!

Aw! I don't really like his face, though.

His face is based on my face.

OK, you're going to have to take a bit off for the face, but erm...

70 quid.

NICKY INHALES SHARPLY

I'm sorry, Russell. Did you just say 117 crates?

Nicky, you can't sell your avatar, it's like selling your soul.

I don't believe in a soul, Meg. I'll sell anything.

You can rent my leg, if you want. And then what?

What's the point in crates if you don't have an avatar?

OK, so he makes a new character and he starts again.

That's what I did, many moons ago.

There was an incident just after Mum died where I erm...

I started howling in the cockpit somewhere over Buffalo.

They actually had to ground the plane.

"Fetch the rubber handcuffs! Usman's gone coconuts!"

They signed me off for eight weeks.

I gained, like, 200lbs and ended up playing Kingdom Scrolls in a smock

and growing out these nasty-ass blue veins on my legs.

My right calf was like a chunk of Gorgonzola. Hm!

The Summer Of Stress.

My God! Where does all the time go?

Anyhoo...time for the Cat Man to go fly a plane.

He's right. I can make a new one.

It's just an avatar, it's an XP receptacle.

I feel no more for this collection of pixels

than Gary Barlow might have felt for his offshore tax instrument.

Russell, wire me the cash and I'll send you the login.

Oh, nice one! I can't wait to take you for a little wazz!

Right. I need to finish my lunch break and get back to it.

That's right, Princess. Eat it all down.

Mm...

truffles.

Hm!

Oh, what the fuck is this now?

DOOR OPENS

Meg, you wouldn't happen to know anything about

the chair in the shower? Did you see it when you were in there?

Did I see a chair in the shower?

Yes, I think I did, as a matter of fact, Alison.

Right. Any idea why?

OK. If you must know, I have been sitting down in the shower.

Yep, understood.

Why have you been sitting down in the shower, Meg?

Look, obviously I CAN stand up.

I can stand up for ages.

I mean, look at me, I'm standing up right now.

No-one's saying you can't stand, Meg. But, erm...

after a bit, you know, being on my feet,

I can get a little bit, erm...

breathy. Breathy? Breathy, Alison, yes.

Plus, it's just better, isn't it, sitting?

It's more comfy. You don't stand up when you...when you have a bath.

So, in fact, I'm going to spin this around, Alison.

How come you don't sit down in the shower?

Also, I found a flake. What kind of flake?

A flake, I think, of you.

A flake of me?! A flake of you, yes.

OK, yeah. Could be. Could be a flake of me.

You MIGHT have found a piece of me. What do you want, Alison? A medal?

You want a medal made out of my own skin?!

No, thank you, Meg. And where did this come from, do you think?

Could be anywhere because, you know, I do have a bit of a weird patch,

like we all do. Because it's...oh, 12 hours in the saddle at work,

four to seven hours in the saddle at home,

it's a long time in the saddle.

It sounds to me like what you might have developed, Meg,

is, in fact, a saddle sore.

Nm-mm. I do not have a saddle sore. And I'm a LITTLE bit concerned...

I do hate... IMMITATES MOCKINGLY: .."little bit".

..that your body might be falling apart.

OK, wow.

Out come the prejudices.

Roly-poly gamers with their big, fat sausage fingers.

Maybe I'll just buy myself a mobility scooter

and drive myself to the crematorium(!)

Alison, people who play games

can still lead full and active lives.

Because I was wondering, what if you looked after yourself

the way you look after your character? Like what?

Make my own soup out of some vegetables and put myself to bed?

Kind of, Meg, yes. God, I'm so sorry, Alison.

I forgot that we were living in Gwyneth Paltrow World.

Maybe I'll just stick a noni egg in my fanny and eat a carrot.

This isn't Gwyneth Paltrow World, Meg. This is very much...

KNOCKS ON TABLE ..THE world.

Because, you know, I don't want to say too much about me and Jay,

but...

the guy is banging me like a bongo drum at a Fela Kuti concert.

All right, Alison. The point is...new job, new start,

how about you get yourself in shape and get yourself some?

There is this guy at work. Mm-hm?

You know those big water bottle things?

He changes them.

And in my pants, it's like...

IMITATES EXPLOSION

It's like scorched earth down there.

Seriously, nothing would survive. Nothing.

The loss of life, if my pants were a town, would be catastrophic.

It's genital Hiroshima.

What I'm trying to say is, erm...

I'm a bit peckish for some.

BELLS CHIME

THUDDING, SEAL BARKS

Yeah, selling my avatar. Best decision I ever made.

Sure, clubbing seal pups and turning tricks for a Qatari businessman,

you're walking on sunshine, my friend.

Three for a pound on biros.

Usman, aren't you supposed to be at work?

Oh, my flight got cancelled due to inclement weather.

So, of course, I immediately drove home and told my wife.

No, but seriously, I snuck back inside my house

and I'm hiding out in the closet by the garage.

It's a pretty sweet setup. I've got a garden chair, a cushion

and a portable folding camping toilet with ten disposable bags.

And boom! I'm on a two-day freebie.

What about food? 15 steps ahead of you, dude.

Because this ain't my first rodeo. I wait till nightfall

and I creep out and into the kitchen like some giant rodent

and I eat from the way back of the cupboards.

The old jam, the box of cereal from last November,

a handful of spelt. Some of that survivalist shit.

I'm like a cross between Bear Grylls and a very large mouse.

Hey, Nicky, look. I've put you on.

Like a pair of clothes, I'm wearing you. Like a pair of trousers.

What have you done to my face?

Oh, I didn't like looking at it so I covered it with tattoos.

And I found this really funny thing you can do.

CHARACTER FARTS

RUSSELL LAUGHS

Ah! That's one of the new emotes. It's aimed at children, Russell.

I know! It's hilarious!

CHARACTER FARTS

OK, I'm sorry, but can you just NOT to do that with me. Please.

It's demeaning. Look at him, look how sad he looks.

No! Look at his happy little face, he loves it.

Right, I'm going to go do a massive fart off the top of that tower.

Oh, hello?

Who's this?

Daisy Chainsaw.

HE SNORTS

She wants to fight me.

Oh, my God! She thinks I'm noob!

DAISY CHAINSAW GRUNTS She's ganking me.

LAUGHING: This is classic!

SHE GRUNTS OK. New death move.

Bit tacky, very Mortal Kombat.

NICKY'S CHARACTER GROANS Ooh! Hello!

What is she looking for up there?

CHARACTER GROANS

What just happened?

I think maybe she just pulled your guts out through your anus.

Yeah, I think maybe she just did.

And I think that maybe I'm in love.

RUSSELL FARTS CONTINUOUSLY HE LAUGHS

HE FARTS AND LAUGHS

DOOR OPENS ALISON: Uh-oh!

Busted. ALISON CHUCKLES

Walk of shame! Oh, no!

Me and Jay got a hotel last night.

We actually only got a couple of hours together

cos, erm, Kerry thought that he was at five-a-side.

Because it turns out - and, you know,

this is just one of those things, really - it turns out

the boyfriend's got a wife.

Er, that sounds like a problem. Doesn't sound great, Alison.

Oh, OK. Oh. Oh...

Oh, hush, little babies.

For you, a problem, yes. Yes.

But this is grown up world and Jay's breaking up with Kerry.

Fay and James are on the rocks. I mean, we might all swap partners.

It's like... It's like a mid-period Woody Allen.

Only with way more fucking.

Anyway, are you ready? Because it will take me just two seconds to get changed.

Yeah. Where are you going?

We're going to the gym before work.

HE SCOFFS Yeah, no, sure.

And I'm circumventing the globe before lunchtime.

No, er, really, Nicky. We are. We're, erm...

SHE CLEARS THROAT ..we're going to the gym.

Right.

I see.

So, you're one of them now, are you?

The gym people. Drink a protein shake, get a really fat neck.

I just want to feel better about myself.

Oh, I'm all for it. What's wrong with my patented

OptiMax Cardio System?

SHE SCOFFS Nicky, it doesn't work.

OptiMax Cardio System? I invented a fitness program.

15 star jumps-a-day during loading scenes and cut sequences.

I've got a spare pass, Nicky, if you're interested.

WHISPERING: They've got a pool. Oh, swimming(!)

A 60 minute round trip so I can take my shirt off in public,

while bullyboys swim front crawl and I almost drown

because my lime green Bermuda shorts are slowly inflating with water.

Oh, yes, please(!)

Nicky, it's just between work and the game, the truth is, erm, I...

..I've been getting a bit breathy in the shower.

We're all getting breathy in the shower, Meg.

We're actually not, Nicky. Oh, OK.

So, Alison's our new benchmark now, is she?

Three meals-a-day and a podcast on the walk to work.

It's fucking lunacy, Meg. It's actual gibberish words.

She's drinking more water now. Aren't you, Meg?

Yes, Alison. That's right, I am.

You think you're so much better than me, don't you?

With your water and your big veiny neck.

She's even thinking of dating again. Isn't that right?

That's correct, Alison. Yes, I am.

Ooh, dating(!) How very the-popular-TV-show Friends.

No, it's erm, it's weird actually

because there's a girl I'm into, as well.

What girl? You never said.

Oh, I'm sorry, Monica. Shall we... Shall we go to Central Perks?

We can riff on the pitfalls of modern relationships.

How did you meet?

Thanks for asking, Alison.

We actually met when she pulled my guts out through my anus.

Hm. I thought you hated the new death moves?

I thought they were "a craven attempt

to appeal to knucklefuckers and YouTubers."

They're actually a lot more subtle than you might think.

No, great. Good for you.

Well, it's exciting, isn't it?

You two getting yourselves out into the world.

Yeah, totally. I'm excited. Me, too.

I'm basically already hard.

Same. I've got an absolute rager.

I'm going to be chomping on cocks left and right. Yummer, yummer(!)

Oh, easy on the old cocks there, Meg.

God, I feel so much better for all this water I'm drinking.

USMAN: That is the ONE thing I will say I miss hiding away in here.

The regular fluid intake.

My children, obviously, but also the fluids.

Because I have to carefully ration my swallowing,

otherwise I'd be constantly emptying the old Mason jar.

But, hey, if this ship was easy, everyone would do it.

WATCH ALARM BEEPS

Daisy Chainsaw. Right on time.

DAISY CHAINSAW GRUNTS MALE CHARACTER YELLS

OK, here she comes.

DAISY CHAINSAW GRUNTS NICKY'S CHARACTER GROANS

Oh, let's see what she's going to pull out of me this time.

It's like a lucky dip, isn't it? My anus.

NICKY'S CHARACTER GROANS

My spinal column. Hooray(!)

And now she's whipping my buttocks with it.

She is adorable.

Right. And this gets you close to going out with her how?

It's called establishing a connection, Meg.

Or have you never read a dating manual?

Anyway, every relationship I've ever had has involved me having my guts

pulled from my anus in one way or another.

We're just cutting through the bullshit. Right.

Water for Meg, water for Greta.

Everybody freeze! It's the Fart Police.

HE FARTS HE LAUGHS

I'm kidding! It's me, it's Russell. It's not, I'm doing a voice.

What have you done to him? He looks dreadful.

I've just been thrashing him about. He loves it, look.

I'm sorry, but can you just respect the heritage, please, Russell?

He is the Lord of Grayvale.

I tell you what he is the Lord of, he's the Lord of having boobs.

Oh, my God! I don't know how, but I think somehow I've managed to er,

solve the trans debate. I've become their symbol or something

and I can't remember the combination of words I said,

but everyone's just getting on with it.

SKYPE RING TONE

Guys, two seconds. I just need to Skype the family.

Skype? But you're at home.

Meg, I Skype with them every single day.

Even if I'm hiding in the next room.

Usman, I think the mouse is back.

Oh, shit!

Maybe call pest control. Anyway, duty calls. Bye, honey.

The cheese!

I took a risky nibble on the cheese.

Fuck! Papa Mouse is getting reckless.

Well, go on then, Nicky. If you're such a big player,

make your move. All right, fuck it. Maybe I will.

Actually, fuck it, maybe I won't.

Because I'm immediately out of my depth.

Dude, have you thought about waving?

Waving? Usman, no-one ever got laid by waving.

Sure they did. Jeff Katarni.

Friend of mine from the Runescape days.

He absolutely got laid by waving.

No, it's stupid. No way.

SALOON MUSIC PLAYS IN GAME

Oh, wow! So hot, Nicky.

All this sexy waving.

Usman, why is nothing happening?

OK, maybe try it a little closer.

Oh, yeah! Because I love it when a man I don't know

waves RIGHT in front of my face. Mate, you've blown it.

This is a nightmare.

Yep, I'm entrenched. No retreat.

It's like Vietnam but with waving. Hold your nerve, dude.

OK, how do you feel about push-ups? I'm not doing fucking push-ups!

CHARACTER PANTS

Oh, no! THIS - this is the bleakest thing I have ever seen.

Oh, my God! Holy shit! She's waving back.

Yes! You just pulled a Katarni, my friend.

Jesus Christ!

I think I just made it to whatever three bases before first base is called.

I'm at negative second base.

Oh, good for you, mate.

Looks like you just bagged yourself a primo fuckturkey.

Thanks, mate. And you never know, you might find one too.

SHE SIGHS

SHE GLUGS

Most of that was me!

The last barrel! Jane had bit, she's got quite a dry mouth,

but the majority of that was gulped down by yours truly.

That's a lot of water.

SHE CHUCKLES

It's a fucktonne of water.

But that's just how much I drink nowadays.

They're like 19L each.

Mm, yeah. Well I just wish they were 20.

Not enough hours in the day, not enough water in the world.

I'm sure it's fine, but if you drink too much water

you can make yourself quite unwell.

You can't drink too much water, it's an urban myth.

It's like the five-a-day thing.

Right? USMAN: Meg. Come in, Meg.

The human body is 90% water. From what I just overheard

and based on my calculations, you could be as high as 92, 93%.

Erm, oh, OK. Well...how would I know if I drank too much water?

Jump up and down. Tell me what you hear.

No, I can't do that. I'm in the office.

Meg, trust me.

SLOSHING

What do you hear? Erm...

I don't know. Swilling? OK, yeah. You drank too much water.

At this point, Meg, you basically ARE the water cooler.

Stick a tap in you and stand you in the corner,

people could gather around you and talk about their evenings.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT Yeah, I actually don't feel too good. Erm...

Could you, erm...er, I don't know, maybe go to the pub with me?

I sort of definitely feel the last thing you need is more liquid.

Yeah, cool. Ignore me. Bye, then.

SLOSHING

Oh, my God! I've waterlogged myself.

I just want to eat some sawdust and fall asleep.

SHE RETCHES

NICKY: You're right, Meg. If I'm serious about dating,

I need to start taking care of myself.

My patented OptiMax Cardio System.

HE EXHALES SHARPLY ON EACH JUMP

Because it works. It just works.

I would try to do a star jump, but every time I move

it sounds like two people fucking on a water bed.

The best part is, I haven't thought about crates all day.

Nicky, mate. There's been a bit of a change in my personal circumstances.

I was wondering - I know he's not exactly in mint condition -

but if there was any chance you'd want to buy him back?

My, God. Breaks my heart to see what he did to you. But, buddy...

DOOR OPENS

Praise be to The Nine.

DOOR CLOSES

Oh, for fuck's sake.

THEY BOTH SHRIEK

Subtitles by Red Bee Media