Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

You're leaving early?

I gotta finish stringing up my lights.

This'll be my biggest Christmas display yet.

It'll make Rockefeller Center

look like a stack of used diapers.

God bless us, every one.

Wait, I thought you said

the electricity bills killed you last year.

They did,

but I figured out a work-around,

so it won't cost me anything.

What's that you're wrapping?

It's a gift for Lacey.

We decided to do a co-quasi semi-business partner

Christmas present swap.

Just a small thing. It's nothing special.

Well, I'm sure she'll like it.

As long as it's something personal.

Personal?

Yeah.

Something meaningful and unique to her,

and not just a piece of jewelry.

You got her jewelry.

It's not jewelry.

Is a bracelet jewelry?

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby you're so wrong ♪

[♪♪♪]

How's it coming?

Everything ready for the Christmas Eve party?

Not even close.

Good.

Wait,

not close is not good.

Better shake a leg, woman, it's tomorrow night.

I might call the damn thing off.

Like hell!

That's how I feel-- like hell.

My head is pounding, and I got chills.

Well, have some tea,

or rum,

or suck an onion.

I look forward to this party

every year.

That's because all you do is party.

I do all the prep,

all the running around,

all the cooking, and all the cleanup.

I'm too sick to do everything.

If you don't do your share,

there's no party this year.

[♪♪♪]

Hey, Lacey, can I get a coffee?

Sure, just help yourself.

I'm knitting a Christmas sweater for Brent,

and I'm in a bit of a panic to get it done.

It's December 23rd.

Doesn't give you much time.

Yeah, that's probably what the panic is about.

I screwed up the moose pattern

on the front

and had to start over.

[static crackles on police radio] Karen?

Davis?

[static crackling] Karen?

Can you-- --me?

Can I what you?

[static crackling] I said

I need to talk to you about what we're--

Jeez, this static is terrible.

Might be the batteries in your radio.

Or first contact with an alien civilization.

There are billions of galaxies in the universe,

so it makes sense there'd be another civilization out there

wanting to make contact.

[static crackling in time with flashes]

Or it could be something else.

Heya.

Nothing!

Okay, then.

Listen, I was just wondering--

Hey, what's with the moose?

Nothing!

Just a moose.

Regular old Christmas moose.

Christmas moose?

What's that?

You never heard of the Christmas moose?

It's a big thing back home.

Big tradition.

The Christmas moose holiday tradition

is a thing...

in the city.

And you like this moose thing,

personally?

Big time.

Love the Christmas moose.

[clears throat awkwardly]

Hmm...

[♪♪♪]

[door opens]

Hey, Hank.

You ever heard of a Christmas moose?

No.

Oh, unless you mean goose.

Do you mean goose?

You probably mean Christmas goose.

Right, I keep forgetting not to ask you things.

[door opens]

Oh, hey, Dad. We're closed.

Tough turnips.

Your mother gave me a list of crap I gotta get

for our Christmas Eve party.

I'm so sick and tired--

You're sick?

What?

You shouldn't be running around

if you're sick.

Want me to give you a hand?

Y-yeah...

[coughs]

I'm sick as hell.

Oh, god... got the shakes, and the sweats,

and the... the bends,

but I couldn't bear

to see Emma doing all the work.

Aw, you're a good guy, Oscar.

Give me the list.

You rest up.

You ever heard of Christmas moose?

Yeah.

You ever heard of Easter, Jughead?

It's moments like this

that make the holidays special.

[♪♪♪]

[hammering]

That's good stuff, Hank.

When you've got the wreath hung,

I have a couple of other things--

[coughing pointedly]

--that need doing.

What's all the noise?

Oh, sorry, Emma.

I don't know how to hammer quietly.

Why are you hammering at all?

Just hanging this wreath for Oscar.

I'm helping him with the chores you gave him,

'cause he's sick.

Oh, he is, is he?

Now, hold on, before you get--

He caught it from me.

I'm sick too. [coughs]

If you're finished out here,

come give me a hand with the dishes.

[slams door]

[♪♪♪]

Hey, Phil, you ever hear of a Christmas moose?

Lacey says it was a tradition in her family.

No, never heard of it,

but every family has their own weird holiday traditions.

In my family, we used to take stockings,

like for feet,

and hang them on the fireplace!

Hmm, that's not very--

Then we'd bring a tree...

into the house!

[laughs]

Outrageous.

Isn't it?

I miss those traditions.

Wait, that's it!

Lacey is away from her family,

so she's missing all her old Christmas traditions,

like her moose thing or whatever.

I'm going to find out

what other traditions she grew up with,

so I can give her a Christmas like she remembers.

That's a personal, unique gift, right?

...and then we'd make a drink out of raw eggs!

[laughs fondly]

Thanks, Phil.

You've been inadvertently helpful.

["Deck the Halls" playing]

[♪♪♪]

Bad news, Wanda.

Your Christmas light display

is causing interference with our radios.

Good news, World War II is over,

and we won.

You can put your walkie-talkies away

and use your phones.

This is serious.

We have a job to do,

and you can't be interfering

with our equipment.

This is way too many lights anyway.

The electric bill must be huge.

It was,

but I rigged up my own grid box

that amplifies a direct current

using semi-coil conductivity

running parallel

with an aggregated magnetization panel.

So... there's no IQ test to be a cop?

They just give a gun to anybody?

Hmm.

[circuits surge]

[static crackling on radio]

[scoffs] Well, there's the problem.

Hey!

Thanks for understanding.

Are you kidding me?

Thanks a lot, Sergeant Scrooge and Officer Grinch!

The cops hate Christmas!

Pass it on, everybody,

the cops hate Christmas!

We don't hate Christmas.

We love Christmas!

Yeah!

Probably more than you!

[car doors slam shut]

[quietly] Oh, you love Christmas, do ya?

Well, we'll just see how much you love it.

Mwa-ha-ha-ha!

[♪♪♪]

[cell phone rings]

[groggily] Hmm? Huh?

13 rockets are too many.

What?

Hank, is that you?

Oh.

Hey... Hey, Emma.

Yeah, you got caught up

in the tail end of a dream there.

A platypus was trying to sell me some rockets,

but the floor of my castle was already melting.

Listen, I have some last-minute things

that you need to get done for our party tonight.

Me?

But it's Christmas Eve.

Yeah.

It's a Christmas Eve party.

But I have a bunch of my own stuff to do.

My lights aren't up, I still need a tree...

[coughing dramatically]

Don't bother him, Emma.

I'll do it.

Just help me up.

I-I fell down again from the dizziness.

I can't lift you, Oscar, my spleen is swollen.

[coughing]

Your spleen?

Just push it back in.

I'll be right over.

What the hell?

When did this happen?

Early this morning!

I know how much you guys love Christmas.

More than anyone, probably!

So I figured this would be a nice holiday surprise.

You can't do this.

That's what I thought, too,

but it was actually super easy.

A couple of cans of spray adhesive,

a dozen boxes of tinsel...

How are we supposed to--

You're welcome!

Merry Christmas, Christmas lovers!

[cackles]

-[mumbling helplessly] -How do we...?

How's Brent's sweater coming?

I'm in the home stretch now.

It's really starting to take shape.

And you're sure you got all his measurements right?

Measurements?

I never even thought about measurements.

I was just going from the standard pattern.

Brent's body isn't what you'd call "standard."

Oh, no.

How am I gonna get his measurements

without tipping what I'm doing?

Merry Christmas Eve morning.

Hi! Yeah.

I was just, um... waffles?

Cool.

Um, so, listen,

I was just thinking, for no reason,

about what other holiday traditions

your family maybe had.

Just a casual thought,

sparked for no reason by what you said yesterday.

Oh, and what did I say yesterday?

About the Christmas moose.

Oh! [laughs]

Yes.

The moose.

The Christmas moose tradition.

It was a big thing, uh...

in the city.

We'd see who could lure the biggest moose, um,

into the downtown core,

and the largest would be crowned Christmas Moose.

Wow, that...

A lot could go sideways in that scenario.

One year, we had a moose

whose antlers were wider

than you could probably stretch your arms out.

Stretch your arms out.

Yeah.

Way bigger than that.

Well, no human could reach across a whole moose.

How high can you reach?

Maybe half a moose.

No, no, this has to do with the ceremonial--

you know, the changing of the lightbulbs?

From white bulbs to red.

Christmas red.

Someone would reach up and--

How high can you reach?

Red lights, eh?

Okay, the wine is mulled,

the potatoes are peeled,

the stuffing is prepped.

Anything else?

Well, if the stuffing's prepped,

you should probably...

Really?

You want me to stuff the turkey, too?

You don't expect us to handle raw poultry

when we're already swarming

with God knows what kind of bacterial mega-virus.

Our immune systems are teetering

on the brink of a total E. coli vortex.

Oh no!

I heard about that on the Weather Channel.

Uh, I-I guess my Christmas can wait.

Maybe have to wait until next Christmas.

[♪♪♪]

It's hard to get respect as a cop

when your car looks like a...

I'm gonna say flapper dress.

I was gonna say disco wig.

Ooh, Donna Summer.

Hubba hubba.

Maybe we should get a hair dryer,

melt the glue and blow off the tinsel.

Or we could take this baby

out on the highway,

and let nature do the blowing.

Hit the siren, rookie.

["Good King Wenceslas" plays from siren speaker]

[flicking switch]

I think the siren's frozen.

That's a Christmas song.

It won't stop.

How did this happen?

[brakes screech]

Wanda happened.

She's everywhere.

She's like an elf on the shelf,

only on the sidewalk,

and smaller.

I see you discovered my gift.

How do you shut it off?

I can't hear you!

I can only assume you're thanking me.

You're welcome,

and Joyeux Noel, Christmas lovers!

Boy, those two sure love Christmas, huh?

[♪♪♪]

Why the puzzled look?

Huh?

Oh, I'm just reviewing a list I made

for Lacey's Christmas gift.

Uh, not sure where you're going with this.

Lacey grew up

with some weird Christmas traditions.

We had some doozies in our family, too.

When I was a kid,

we used to put food out for Santa.

Now, Santa was a magical northern wizard who--

I know who Santa is!

What do you people--

This is just a partial list.

I need more info,

but how do I talk to Lacey

about her traditions

without her getting suspicious?

[footsteps approach]

Brent...

I just realized

there were some other Christmas traditions

I forgot to tell you about.

Oh, that worked out really--

Do you know about the chimney

and the reindeer?

Thank you, Fitzy.

You were saying?

I forgot to mention the moose call.

A moose calls you?

No.

When we tried to lure the moose into the city,

we'd use a moose call.

That makes sense, right?

Not "sense," necessarily, but if you--

[bellows a moose call]

Jeez!

Why don't you try?

O-Okay.

Barroo--

[choking]

You need to tighten your throat more.

Wow, you have a big neck.

That's about three hand lengths?

Barroo--

Whoa, whoa!

What are you...?

I was just thinking

that you're about the same size around

as, uh...

the watermelon...

we decorate.

We wrap it in lights

and put stickers on it,

and, uh, glitter?

"Glitter melon."

What?

I was just saying,

I'm, uh, I'm gonna go close up early.

I have to get ready

for Mom and Dad's Christmas Eve party,

and I have a lot to do before then.

[chuckling] Yes.

I also have a lot...

of cafe-related things to do as well, mm-hmm.

Maybe we can call a truce.

We have no leverage to negotiate.

What does Wanda want?

All she wants

is to turn on her light display

without going broke.

We just give back her power-saving gizmo.

Then she'll leave us alone.

Because she'll have her lights back on.

Wanda, we brought back your--

What the hell?

["Deck the Halls" playing]

Her lights are already back on.

Now what?

Now we're Scrooged.

[♪♪♪]

She turned her lights back on.

Do you know what this means?

Yes, but... I want you to say it.

We've lost our leverage with Wanda.

Right.

Wait, why is that power cord

running away from her house?

You mess with our walkie talkies,

you festively sabotage our car,

and now you steal power from the town.

I got desperate, okay?

I mean, what's Christmas without twinkly lights?

I'm sorry about the tinsel,

and the caroling siren,

and the nog bombs.

I just wanted--

Wait, nog bombs?

They didn't go off?

[timer beeping]

Huh, my watch must be fast.

Congratulations, Wanda.

You're getting yourself

a big fat Christmas ticket.

Well, nice work, Sergeant Krampus

and Officer...

Old Man Potter from "It's a Wonderful Life"...

if he was a cop!

I'm taking all my lights down!

You happy now?

["Good King Wenceslas" playing tinnily from siren speaker]

[squeaking]

[engine starts, car drives away]

What are you grinning at?

Everything's almost ready,

but I feel like I'm forgetting something.

Just come and have a rum and eggnog, huh?

We'll sit by the tree, and...

Holy Hanukkah!

We don't have a tree!

So long, Nick.

Maybe next year.

Leaky Santa?

I got a patch kit in the glove box.

He's not leaking.

He's been decommissioned by fascists.

Now Christmas sucks.

Christmas doesn't suck.

Sure, it can be tough sometimes.

Take Oscar and Emma.

I had to do all their prep work for their party,

and they're too sick to do it.

Anyway, I better get going.

I barely have time

to get my own tree and decorations up.

[cell phone rings]

[groans]

Hank talkin'.

Hank, is that you?

I'm so weak.

Oscar? What's wrong?

It's Emma.

[coughs dramatically]

In her fevered state, she forgot to get a tree.

Sure, blame me.

What?

I said, I blame me,

and my fever.

[coughs dramatically]

So I guess we'll just do without one this year.

Wait!

I happen to have a tree with me right now.

I'll be right over.

You're giving them your tree?

What about your Christmas?

Ah, the holidays are more than trees and lights.

They're about helping people.

You're a better person than I am.

If that was me,

I'd tell 'em to cram a candy cane

and kiss my chocolate orange.

That's the spirit.

Merry Christmas, Wanda.

What a sap.

A sweet, stupid sap.

[♪♪♪]

Well, I appreciate

being invited over for a drink

before your parents' party,

but why do I have to keep my eyes closed?

You'll see.

Just come in a little further...

and open!

[yelps in fright]

[blows vuvuzela horn]

[yelps again]

Sorry, I can't do a proper moose call,

so I had to improvise.

Wh-what is all of this?

This is your present!

I tricked you into answering questions

about your holiday traditions,

and then cleverly wove them

into this personalized gift,

and also the Christmas watermelon.

Won didn't have any melons,

so I spray-painted a pumpkin.

I see. Um--

But the hat rack lamp

is authentic antlers and bones.

Gus hit a moose on the highway last night.

It's a Christmas miracle!

[laughing]

What's so funny?

First of all,

I cunningly made up these traditions

to measure you

so I could make you this gift.

The only Christmas moose

is the one on this sweater,

which I knitted for ya,

all by myself.

Wait a minute, you lied to me,

while I was just fibbing to you?

Oh, shut up and try it on.

Oh...

Are you sure you measured me,

and not someone else?

Like, from a circus?

All right, it needs a few adjustments,

and the moose kinda got away from me.

It sort of looks like a moose.

Moose-slash-Satan.

It-it's probably just the red lights.

Yeah, well, the red lights

aren't doing your lamp rack any favours either.

You're right.

Ah, I'm sorry.

I just really wanted

to give you something personal this year.

Aw...

I wanted to do that for you, too.

Well, look, we both tried,

and we both fell a bit short,

so we're good, right?

Agreed.

Now, how about a drink?

I made a batch of pumpkin-spiced rum.

Oh, yeah, well,

you know, I think I'm just gonna have wine.

Wanda?

What are you doing at my place?

I came over here to do this.

Brace yourself.

[rag squeaks]

Ugh.

This car's gonna smell like rotten nog forever.

Not on my watch.

Behold...

the festive freshener.

Merry Christmas, partner.

Merry Christmas.

Wow, that's really getting bright.

No, that's coming from outside.

Oh, no.

Probably aliens.

[Christmas carols playing]

[Hank] Whoa!

You did this?

For me?

Remember how I told you

you're a better person than I am?

Guess you're not.

Suck it, Yarbo!

[chuckles]

And Merry Christmas.

This is amazing!

Surfing Santa,

and a Christmas flamingo,

and a disco ball, and...

Uh, I'm not sure what that is.

It's a tangle.

I didn't have a lot of time.

Nice lights, Hank.

I bet they're enjoying this

on the International Space Station.

Oh, it's so pretty.

What's that bundle of lights?

It's a Christmas tumbleweed, okay?

A what?

You've never heard of the Christmas tumbleweed?

It's a country thing.

["Good King Wenceslas" police siren approaching]

Cheese it! The cops. You never saw me.

[cell phone rings]

Feliz Navidad, Dad.

Fleece yourself, jackass!

Where the hell are you?

And where's everyone else?

The party's ready to go.

It is?

Hank told Wanda you guys were sick,

so Wanda arranged

to have the party at Hank's place.

But we have everything ready here!

This is the best party of the year.

[sarcastically] Oh, thanks a lot, Hank!

[innocently] You're welcome.

Rest up and get well soon.

[Oscar]: But we-- [beeping off phone]

Warms your heart, doesn't it?

[♪♪♪]

[murmur of conversations]

[doorbell rings]

Merry Christmas!

Turns out we're feeling better.

Must've been one of those 12-hour bugs.

Anyway, we brought some food.

Oh, that's great.

You can set it up in the kitchen.

We have to set it up?

You said you were feeling better, right?

Uh, what's this?

I feel bad

for the nightmare moose rack gift,

so I figured

I'd give you the present

I originally planned on giving you.

[gasps]

[groans]

You're angry.

I get it.

Jewelry is such an impersonal gift.

[sighs] I love it!

Aw, you big dumb jerk.

You're welcome, and I'm sorry?

What's happening?

Okay, when we both exchanged crappy gifts,

we were even.

Then you go and give me something great?

Thanks a lot, Brent.

Merry stinkin' Christmas.

I don't know why

you just didn't give her the bracelet

in the first place.

Why don't you stop talking until the New Year?

[♪♪♪]

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ The same things you don't know ♪

[xylophone accompanies with "Jingle Bells"]

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just... don't know ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Have a holiday moose ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la... ♪

♪ Some glitter pumpkin juice ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la... ♪

♪ We love all of youse ♪

♪ This I know ♪♪