Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

To Meg!

"Meg"?

Does Hank have a girlfriend?

"Meg" is short for "Megalodon."

It's Shark Week, Lacey.

Read a book.

We're toasting sharks?

On the prairies?

How about...

to Dog River Days!

Is that comin' around again?

It's next week,

and I haven't heard about any planned activities.

That's because there aren't any.

Someone was supposed to remind us to plan them.

Who?

So no one remembers who was supposed to remind us?

Okay, well, let's have a parade.

We've never had one of those.

We used to have 'em. Every year.

Really?

Well, why'd you stop?

I don't remember.

Hey! Who's supposed to remind us of stuff?

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby you're so wrong ♪

[♪♪♪]

Wanda, what are you doing for the parade?

Lawn chair, sunscreen, slingshot... the yoozh.

My list is massive.

You've got to do your share.

My share?

We were at the bar, talking sharks,

and you decided we needed to throw a parade,

and now I have chores.

You've done more than your share.

All you need to do is make one phone call.

The parades used to be sponsored by Flameball Candy.

Contact them and see if they'll kick in some money

and candy to throw out to kids.

Here's their phone number and fax number.

Fax number?

Who delivers their stuff?

Knight Rider?

Hey-oh!

Lacey, about this parade.

Will Miss Dog River be in it?

Uh, probably. Maybe.

Miss... "Miss" what?

Great!

That means there's going to be

a Miss Dog River Pageant,

and I want to compete.

Let's drop the marriage status

and age limit.

A-And sex limit.

I'm saying that me and my junk

should be able to enter as well.

Your junk hasn't entered anything in years.

Hey-oh!

I forgot my phone.

A pageant?

Uh, I'm too busy to care.

If I don't have to run it, you can both compete.

And may the best...

Uh, good luck.

Why are you competing?

Because the winner always gets to ride

in Anderson's classic cherry red '62 convertible.

He won't let me get anywhere near his car,

but if I win this, he'll have no choice.

Mwa-ha-ha-ha! The fool.

Why are you competing?

It's a story from long ago...

I was a finalist in the pageant years ago,

up against Helen and Mavis.

I was so insecure about losing

that I tried to sabotage them,

and was disqualified.

If you don't count my marriage,

it was the biggest regret of my life.

Wow.

I guess we both have important reasons...

you, for redemption.

And you, for...

a ride in a car?

Convertible. 1962.

Brent, can you do me a favour?

I'm so busy with organizing

that I was hoping

you could make one big float

for Corner Gas and The Ruby.

So you can do what you always do

and shoot down all my ideas?

When have I ever done that?

Uh-uh.

Duh!

[revving]

That last one didn't happen.

Could have, if you were more open to my ideas.

Well, I promise,

you can build whatever float you want,

hassle-free. Please?

Ple-e-e-e-e-e-ease?

Ah, you know I can't say "no"

when you say "please" with seven "e"s in it.

Whoops!

Davis, I'm going to be

riding my Ziptygo in the parade,

and I need one officer up front with me,

and another on foot patrol. So...

So you want me to be the parade marshal.

I accept.

Not a parade marshal per se.

You'll just be shooing away drunk teens.

I'm a lawman.

Synonymously speaking, I'm already a marshal.

Besides, it can't be Karen.

She couldn't lead water out of a hose.

Fine.

Just keep things clear for my Ziptygo.

I might do some tricks.

Ooh! Oh...

Competing in this pageant

is serious stuff.

I think I'm gonna need a coach or something.

Someone with class and grace, who knows how to look great.

I need your help.

Well, I'm flattered,

but I'm too swamped to coach you.

No, no, no. I need your help

convincing Karen to be my coach.

Oh. [chuckles awkwardly]

She won a beauty contest a while back.

Well, maybe go ask her yourself,

if she's so beautiful.

Great idea.

Thanks for your help!

Flameball Candy was shut down.

Turns out you can't line candy vats with asbestos.

So, no sponsor.

Anyways, made my phone call.

I'm out.

I want you to bring me solutions, Wanda.

Find another sponsor.

[mockingly]: "Find another sponsor."

Nah-nanny-nah-nah.

What's her problem?

[still in mocking tone]: I don't have a...

I mean, I don't have a sponsor for the parade.

Flameball Candy went under.

Too bad!

Murray was a good guy.

Wait, are you the one

who got them to sponsor parades?

Yeah. Flameball Candy sucked,

but it was great to throw.

You huck a jawbreaker at a kid,

it hit the mark.

Heh. Sometimes it left a mark.

Plus, Flameball gave good kickbacks.

There's kickbacks?

Sure! The kids got the candy,

but Oscar got the treats.

Getting sponsors is a thankless job.

The least you can do

is get something out of it for yourself.

For myself?

Who told you I won a beauty contest?

You! At the hotel bar.

Every time you have three beers.

Oh. Fine.

I won a beauty contest, but that was a long time ago.

I'm not asking you to enter.

I'm asking you to coach me.

Uh, me too. I asked first.

First? You just got here.

Hey, Karen. Where's all the stuff to wash the cruiser?

On the shelf in the storeroom, back-stabber.

I'd say both of your chances of winning

are slim,

since one of you is married

and the other one has a penis...

but if you want my advice,

I would eliminate the competition...

like Bu and Tina, for example.

How do we eliminate them?

Anyone seen "I, Tonya"?

I can't find the car shampoo.

It's the bottle with the red label

that says "car shampoo," jerkface.

Why are you being so hard on Davis?

Because he threw me under the bus,

and now he gets to lead the parade.

Ugh! Makes me want to bust some heads.

Then maybe you could talk

to Bu and Tina for us.

Y-yeah. Just talk, though.

Don't go all "I-Tonka" on them.

There's no way I should lose to this guy.

At first, I thought maybe do

a standard tissue float

with the Corner Gas and Ruby logo on it.

That sounds great!

And then I thought this...

Aliens run out of fuel and land at Corner Gas.

While their ship is being serviced,

they have lunch in The Ruby.

It tells a whole story.

Wow. Heh.

Wow, wow, wow. Um, I-I...

I couldn't help but notice

that you're very hairy in that sketch.

Oh, that's not me pumping gas. That's a Sasquatch.

I was gonna call it "Gas-Squatch,"

but my lawyer did some clearance search and...

pfft.

Now, let me guess, you don't like it?

I didn't say that. Heh!

It just it-it-it... it caught me by surprise.

Well, this is a rough sketch.

Things could change as I work on it.

Oh, good!

I mean, good... pfft, more good things to come.

Heh. Uh...

[whistling jovially]

What the...?

My marshal mobile!

What the hell is this stuff?

This is your evening gown?

Dammit! I was gonna wear purple.

Did you convince Bu and Tina

not to enter the pageant?

They were pretty stubborn.

"Miss Dog River"?

Parading around in swimwear, looking for approval?

Yeah. What is this, 1982?

But I managed to convince them.

Hey, how do you think I'd look in chartreuse?

And, uh, what is chartreuse?

[grunting]

Hey, Brent.

I just thought I'd come by

and see how things are going.

I've had second thoughts about my original idea.

You can't have Sasquatch and aliens on a float...

Oh! I agree!

...without having superheroes too.

What?

What the hell are you doing?

My thoughts exactly.

Your design is wa-a-ay too out there!

Ah, screw the design!

You're making your float out of plywood?

What do you think that's gonna cost ya?

Chicken wire and tissue flowers, that's the way to go.

And what makes you an expert?

I've been building floats

since you were knee-high to a diaper,

and I'm telling ya...

Well, I'm telling both of you

to leave me and my float alone.

Lacey, you said I could design it,

so I am.

And I'm the only one that's building it.

So if you don't mind...

Oscar...

how would you like

to build a float for The Ruby?

Why the hell would I do that?

It would give you the satisfaction

of proving Brent wrong.

You had me at "wrong."

That was literally the last word I said.

But you can't tell Brent.

You had me... at "Brent."

Hello. Red Whip Licorice?

This is Wanda Dollard,

President and CEO

of the Dog River Parade Committee,

and I have some tremendous news for you!

After considering many qualified candidates,

we've decided that you,

Red Whip Licorice,

makers of my favourite candy,

can give us free product and sponsorship money.

Congratulations!

Sorry. We don't do sponsorships.

Never have. Never will.

But this is an amazing opportunity.

Perhaps you could take me out to dinner

on your expense account,

and I'll explain how...

Don't do 'em. Bye, now.

[dial tone]

The hell's his problem?

Where are the Band-aids?

Damn chicken wire

is scratching the hell out of my hands.

Hey, Lacey.

I feel kinda bad about blowing up earlier.

It's both our float,

so we should both have a say.

I promised not to criticize your work.

So whatever you do, I'm 100% on board.

So you don't mind

if maybe I make Sasquatch and an alien kiss?

Ooh! You know what would make it even more dramatic?

If sparks flew when their lips touch.

Yeah! I-I could hook up a battery.

Great. That is gonna be awesome.

[chuckles] Keep up the good work.

Let's practice your posture.

Uh, isn't that supposed to be a book?

Books are for losers.

Coffee is for closers.

Ow. Ow, ow, ow!

[cup shatters]

Losers don't have burns on their scalps.

Karen, can I speak to you, please?

You told me to use the red bottle,

and look what happened.

No.

I said the bottle with the red label

that said "car shampoo."

"Car shampoo" is the key part of this.

Well, you said it fast and called me "jerkface."

I got mixed up.

Now what?

You're the big, smart parade marshal.

Figure it out, jerkface.

I need a sponsorship update, stat.

Wanda?

What the hell are you doing?

And wearing?

I'm not Wanda.

I'm Whippy Shortstocking,

the about-to-become-beloved mascot of Red Whip Licorice.

Hi-yah!

...who does karate?

I'm just workshopping ideas.

Maybe she breakdances.

So the licorice people said "yes"?

We got a sponsor?

Well, they haven't said "yes" yet.

But how could they not,

once they see me in this great costume?

Here, take some pics for me.

You really think this'll work?

Won't know unless we... aah!

So "no" to the breakdancing.

So...

I really need some coaching

for the Q&A.

Relax.

The secret

is to imagine yourself naked.

Don't you mean imagine the audience naked?

Rookie mistake.

Imagine yourself naked.

Think about how confident you'll be

once you have clothes on.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Wanda Dollard?

It's Mr. Cahill from Wed Rip Licorice.

Ahem. I mean, Wed...

[groans]

Been working here 30 years, I still can't say that.

Red... Whip... Licorice,

and we'd like to sponsor your parade.

I knew it! Ha ha!

So the photos really sealed the deal, huh?

They absolutely did.

It's the same woman as before.

My concern is that it's escalating.

First, the harassment...

...and now this lunacy.

That's supposed to be a mascot?

Looks like a bag of bloody fingers.

Give her 500 bucks and some candy,

and let's pray she goes away.

We do not want a repeat of 2009.

[tearfully] How many times

are you gonna bring that up?

I said I was sorry!

[wailing]

Gaah! Hot!

Geez, Emma!

You screwed up my posture exercise.

Aren't you supposed to do that with a book?

Karen told me to do it this way,

and she's the expert.

I guess beauty really is pain.

Is she really an expert?

She told me

I should picture myself naked to boost my confidence.

Huh.

You better not

be doing what I think you're doing.

No, no, no.

Just out of curiosity,

what beauty pageant did you say you won?

It was the, uh...

Miss...

Little...

Pageant.

Gah. All right, fine!

It was a baby photo competition.

But I won!

I crushed those other babies.

So, here's the thing...

You're fired.

Dad, I need to borrow the...

What are you doing?

Lacey told me not to tell ya.

Oh. That's funny.

I was just talking to her,

and she told me to tell you

that you're supposed to tell me.

Geez, that woman can't make up her mind.

Fine, I'm building a classic-style float

for The Ruby.

That's why she doesn't care

who my Sasquatch kisses.

Squash your dishes?

Never mind.

Lacey sent me over to tell you that...

we're joining our two floats together.

But don't tell her I told you. It's a surprise.

That woman's a flake.

You know,

I did spend some time pretending I was naked,

and I feel great now that I'm in clothes.

Maybe Karen does know what she's talking about.

Speaking of Karen...

she just joined the competition.

You're both going down!

Are all of Fitzy's Foxes

ready to...

Karen, w-what are you doing here?

I'm about to show these two

who the real beauty queen is.

No, you're not.

Davis is parade marshal,

so I need someone on foot patrol.

That's you.

And you can't do foot patrol wearing a crown

in the back of Anderson's convertible.

Ugh! Stupid jerkface Davis!

Hey...

you're not taking out another "till loan," are you?

Like you have this kind of cash.

Red Whip sponsored the parade.

I knew my costume would work.

What are you, a blood fountain?

I'm Whippy Shortstocking.

I'm about to become a beloved mascot...

the Mr. Peanut of licorice.

Is Mr. Peanut really that popular?

Mr. Peanut's coming to the parade?

He's gonna see one of my floats?

Nope. But Whoop-dee Redsocks will.

[scoffs]

She's no Mr. Peanut.

That guy's got style.

Oh, why did I come in here?

Oh! Yeah. You lazy idiot,

get out here!

We've got to join our floats!

Yeah, right behind you.

You landed a sponsor?

Job well done.

Oh, I'm not done.

If I got this from a few pictures,

imagine what'll happen

when I livestream during the parade.

Those corporate eggheads'll sign me up

to be their official mascot...

and then I'll be making San Diego Chicken money!

Well, this is win-win.

You get mascot money, kids get free candy.

Kids? No, no.

This kickback licorice is for mama.

Wow, I nailed it.

Looks great.

What do you think, bright green bunny?

Oh, I think you've inhaled too many paint fumes.

Step away from the vehicle!

Ooh...

neon bunny makes a good point.

I better get some air.

Oh, man. I'm so nervous.

Shh! I'm getting into my smile.

And now, our first contestant,

Emma Leroy!

Emma! What are you doing?

Mavis and Helen are judging.

They'll never pick me

after what I did to them all those years ago.

My dream is dead.

Hank!

Attention, everyone!

I pulled a hammy vaselining my teeth,

so I'm out.

Emma Leroy is Miss Dog River!

♪ Look at her ♪

♪ Parading around ♪

♪ In her gown and crown ♪

♪ Smile on her face ♪

♪ Like she owns the place... ♪

I told you, the order goes:

Fitzy on his scooty thing,

marching band,

Won on a whale, for some reason.

Won doesn't want to be behind the marching band.

Something to do

with the wind and the spit valves.

Well, just tell him to keep his mouth shut.

Eh...

Lacey, come see our float.

Ta-da!

It's just what you asked for.

I figured since you liked Dad's idea so much,

that we'd mash them together into one megala-float.

It's like a Megalodon, but not a shark.

Ugh! Oscar...

I told you not to tell him.

And then you told him to tell me

to tell him what you told me!

Yeesh, this one!

You did exactly what I said you were going to do,

and now you have to live with the consequences.

[tires spinning]

Hmm. Too heavy?

Maybe if Sasquatch

didn't have three alien girlfriends,

this would've worked.

Shaming Sasquatch about his polyamorous lifestyle

isn't going to help anything.

Ugh! That's great!

"Come to The Ruby,

where the coffee tastes like Sasquatch pee."

It tells a story!

Where's the cruiser?

It's right here.

Why wash it when you can repaint it?

I'm not just a parade marshal,

I'm a renegade billionaire bat parade marshal.

Congratulations.

Enjoy riding in this beauty.

Enjoy driving this beauty.

My first move as Miss Dog River

was to command Mr. Anderson to let you drive the car.

Whoa! Really?

Does Miss Dog River have that kind of power?

Maybe.

He might just be scared of me personally.

[chortling]

Uh, hey, how fast can we go in a parade?

What's up, Red Whip Licorice fans? Execs?

It's me, Whippy Shortstocking,

your official mascot, contract pending,

coming at ya live from Dog River Days Parade!

Whew, it's hot out here.

Hey, kids! I'm Whippy Shortstocking!

Do you like licorice whips?

Yeah, I love them! Can I have some?

No. But you can have a high-five

or a warm, sticky hug.

Dealer's choice.

You're supposed to give us candy.

Yeah, where's the candy, freakshow?

-Yeah! -Aah!

Hey! Wait a minute.

[kids]: Candy! Candy! Candy!

Oh! Hey. Ow! Hey! Stop that!

My hair's not edible! Those are pool noodles!

Help! Anyone!

Help me!

Okay, kids, settle down.

Wanda, give 'em the candy,

and they'll stop.

No! That's my candy. It's my kickback.

Well, you're getting plenty of kicks back now.

Heh-heh. Enjoy!

No! Karen!

Ah-ha-ha!

Renegade bat parade marshal coming through!

One side, citizens.

Do not approach the mayor.

Ahh! Ah...

Make sure you stop by Corner Gas and The Ruby

to see our float...

which tells you to stop by Corner Gas and The Ruby.

And know that the float

at Corner Gas

was built

by the jackass in front of me.

They don't need to know that!

Lacey told me to tell 'em.

Here. Is that your mascot money?

No. It's a cease- and-desist letter.

I have to destroy the costume!

The execs at Red Whip feel

I used "excessive force" against "small children."

There's no mention of the fact that they started it.

Well, you're still better off than Hank.

None of this would've happened

if I was Mr. Dog River.

Exactly how did you crash a car

going four miles an hour?

Maybe I was distracted

by the melting candy woman

fighting children.

Hey! Now, no need to argue.

You're both equally ridiculous.

[♪♪♪]

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ The same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just... ♪

♪ Don't know ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ And it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know ♪