Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

[Hank] Heya, Phil.

I'm ready for another beerski.

Okay, but you're getting a bit drunkski.

That's the planski.

I'm celebrating the glorious victory of my favourite team.

Elk Valley Vultures! Whoo!

And what's that, hockey? Soccer?

Bocce ball.

You watch pro bocce ball?

Oh, no, not pro.

High school.

Elk Valley Vultures

are the Provincial bocce ball champions!

Whoo!

Hey, Brent, keep an eye on Hank.

He's getting a bit goofy.

Getting?

That horse left the barn 30 years ago.

Hey, Ike, scootch over.

You're on my stool.

How is this your stool?

I was sitting there.

I just went to the bathroom.

You snooze, you lose.

I wasn't snoozing, I was peeing.

A 20-minute pee?

It wasn't 20, it was maybe 10.

There's a new trivia thing above the urinal, and--

Look, it doesn't matter.

I always sit here.

Phil, tell Ike that's my stool.

Sorry, Brent.

Them's the breaks.

Uh, no, them's are not the breaks.

Them's are not even the basic rules

of a civilized society.

Come on, pal.

Have a drink and lighten up.

Kind of weird to have a favourite stool anyway.

But not weird to have

a favourite high school bocce ball team.

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby you're so wrong ♪

[♪♪♪]

Ridiculous.

How can someone lose their seat

because they went to the can?

Nature dictates we have to use the bathroom.

It's an immutable law,

so you can't just steal someone's stool

because they're in the toilet.

It's a foundational pillar of every organized religion.

I don't recall the word "toilet"

in the Old Testament.

Well, they had different words back then.

It was a cubit or something.

Ah, give it a rest.

You've been complaining about that all day.

Normally I wouldn't care,

but you're complaining around me.

Like, where I can hear it.

[door opens]

Oh, well, lookee who's strolling in here

pleasant as pie

without a hint of betrayer's remorse.

Just stopped in to pick up a pack of Cucumbawumbas.

Sorry, saving those for someone.

What? For who?

Yeah, who else eats cucumber-flavoured candy?

They're the best!

Cucumbawumba are numba wumba!

They're gross.

I chew one down, but it comes up again.

I know you love them, Phil,

but I'm saving these for another customer,

whose patronage I actually value.

I see.

This is about last night.

I have no idea to what you are referring.

Uh-oh, you know he's mad

when he gets grammatically correct.

Them's the breaks.

You enjoying that?

[door closes]

Wha-ha! Gaah!

Tastes like cucumber- flavoured ear wax.

That you found in a dirty cubit?

[♪♪♪]

[Karen] Okay, I'm off.

I left you a crib sheet

to help you with the paperwork.

I don't need a crib sheet.

I have an excellent memory.

Okay, well, don't forget

there's a crib sheet right there.

My mind is like a steel trap.

A steel colander, maybe.

Oh, yeah?

Do you know what was the top-selling country album

of 1991?

I do not.

Garth Brooks's "No Fences."

Do you know what year Merle Haggard put out

his 30th album?

It'd be weird if I did.

1974.

See? Steel trap.

Yes, you know a lot about country music trivia.

That'd be helpful if we were DJs

on 98.6 "The Haystack,"

but we're cops,

and sometimes you forget cop stuff.

No, I don't.

What form gets filled out for the equipment budget?

27-B or 27-C?

Uh... 27-B.

W-51.

Crib sheet's on your desk.

[grumbling] Trick question.

Aah!

Mm. Morning.

Okay, "A," it's almost 7:00 p.m.,

and "B," why are you in my house?

No, actually, "A" is why are you in my house?

Uh, you told me

if I was too drunk to drive last night,

I could crash at your place.

We never had any such conversation.

We didn't?

Huh, maybe I dreamed it.

You were holding a panda bear at the time.

So you slept here last night?

How did I not see you on the sofa

when I left this morning?

I was probably still asleep outside in your hedge.

Oh, yeah, yeah,

I crawled in through a window when the sun got hot.

Well, that's a disturbing violation,

and it's time to go.

Oh, uh, can you give me a ride to my truck?

I left it at the bar.

Fine, whatever speeds up the "you leaving" part of this.

[♪♪♪]

How come I always have to do the stupid cash-out?

Just these stupid chips, I guess.

I know why I'm pissed off. Why are you pissed off?

I have to stupid work late and do a bunch of stupid forms,

and I can't remember what any of the stupid forms are for

because I have a stupid memory.

Memories aren't stupid.

People are stupid.

Present company...

Whatever.

Anyone can have a good memory.

You just need to train it.

Really?

Can you teach me?

If it gets me out of here, yes.

Davis needs my help!

You have to cash out!

I was in the back. What did you--

Wanda?

You left the cash out!

[telephone rings]

Corner Gas.

Brent? Phil.

I got something at the bar I think you'll like.

Come over, and bring the Cucumbawumbas.

This is a special exclusive area.

Nobody can go in here

except you.

Whoa, really?

That's pretty cool.

Uh-uh...

Oh, yeah, right.

[both sigh with satisfaction]

Hurry up, woman!

We're going to miss Happy Hour.

Doesn't matter what time we get there,

Happy Hour ends when you show up.

What the hell does that mean?

I just mean that whenever we go out,

to the bar, to the Ruby,

even for groceries,

you always cause a kerfuffle.

I do not.

You do.

You're a kerfuffler.

I can't help it!

Some people need a good fuffling.

Everything okay here?

If it wasn't, what would you do about it,

short pants?

I'm wearing regular pants.

But you're short.

I'm still an officer of the law.

Not out of uniform.

[chuckling]

Who are you gonna scare in a purple T-shirt?

See?

Not even at the bar yet,

and you're already kerfuffling.

Oh, this is cool.

I've never been in a cop car before.

Well, not the front seat.

Quit fiddling.

You said you'd help me with my memory problem.

I already did.

You did?

No, just a little memory humour.

Okay, here's the thing,

it's easy to remember something

if you're actually interested in it, right?

Yeah, but cop paperwork is dull.

I'm sure it is.

The trick

is to associate it with something you actually like.

So, what's something you're really into?

I know a lot about country music.

Okay, give me the name of a country song

and who sings it.

Uh... "Highway Heartache" by Elden Bucksaw.

Elden Bucksaw?

Yeesh, never stood a chance.

Okay, now what's something

you have a hard time remembering at work?

Hmm... I always forget to send in the mileage report

at the end of the month.

Well, that's an easy one.

Associate the word "Highway" from "Highway Heartache"

with mileage.

Highway, mileage... get it?

Uh-huh.

...and the name Elden is like "all done."

As in, "you're all done with the mileage for the month."

Hey, I could do that.

That's great!

Give me another one.

Okay, but first,

you got keys for these, right?

Stop fiddling with stuff.

[♪♪♪]

Okay, thanks again for letting me crash at your place.

I didn't let you, but you're welcome.

And thanks for helping me

solve my "how to get back to my truck" problem.

My house is six blocks from the bar,

so it wasn't much of a problem.

Anyway, I'm gonna scoot.

Oh, hang on.

New problem.

I don't have my keys.

[groans]

Where's the last place you remember having them?

If I knew that, we wouldn't be in this mess.

I'm not in this mess.

It wasn't my idea for you to get drunk last night,

or leave your truck here.

Although once you had the "get drunk" idea,

the "leaving your truck" was a good idea.

They're not inside the headlight.

Why would your keys be inside the headlight?

I don't know.

You said "idea," I thought "lightbulb."

Wow.

Well, I'll leave you to it.

And if I can't find my keys,

I'll just crash at your place again!

[tires squealing]

We're finding your keys.

Thanks.

I appreciate your help.

Well, it's easier than installing bars on my windows.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

What's this?

Some kind of art thing?

You being punished?

What'd you do?

It just so happens

I have my very own private exclusive bar area.

Cool. Can we come in?

If you correctly answer this skill-testing question.

What does the word "exclusive" mean?

Oh.

You mind if we just stand here and watch you?

I do kind of, yeah.

What can I get you?

I'll have a whisky and ginger.

I'll have a beer,

unless Officer Blondie over there

wants to check my I.D.?

No, I'm pretty sure

you're over the legal drinking age,

by a half century or so.

You okay?

You look like your shorts are too tight.

Not to be indelicate,

but it's Trivia Night at Club Urinal.

What?

I have to pee,

but I'm afraid if I go to the bathroom,

somebody will jump in here and usurp my seat.

I could stand guard if you like.

Hmm, out of uniform?

What is with you people?

I am more than a uniform,

I am a highly trained peace officer,

regardless of what I'm wearing.

Hey, what's in here?

Ow!

That's off limits.

Wow.

Point taken.

You're on guard.

I'll be right back.

I just want to go in there.

Yeah, well, you're not allowed.

Why not?

I don't actually know why not,

but I know this-- take a hike.

The rest of you,

you're blocking the main thoroughfare here.

Everybody stand to one side.

Now!

[murmuring]

[scoffs] Purple T-shirt, my ass.

Would it be easier for me to make memory associations

with country music titles or lyrics?

How should I know?

I hate country music.

What?

How can you hate country music?

Pretty simple, really.

Listen to a song or two, and boom-- hate it.

What do you hate about it?

The deeply stirring grassroots poetry

that holds a rearview mirror up to our souls?

The forlorn fondling of the human heart?

The rich nasal twang that tickles the--

[police siren blasts]

Aah!

Whoa! Cool!

Which button was that?

You have to stop playing with--

Aah!

Oh, the one marked "siren."

Well, that makes sense.

Wow, Karen.

You kept everyone out.

I'm impressed.

Hey, Brent.

What the hell?

Do you know where Hank's keys are?

I rescind my praise.

I assumed you'd want Lacey in.

I'd appreciate it if you asked me first.

Brent, can Lacey access your special area?

I'd also appreciate it

if you worded that differently,

but yes.

Don't worry, I know how this works

from my club days in the city.

Hey, Phil,

a couple of drinks for the VIP section?

My tab.

Ooh, VIP.

I hadn't heard it put in those words before.

They're more like letters.

♪ Been ten years ♪

♪ But I know what I know sure as hell ♪

♪ That ol' dog was sweeter ♪

♪ Than puddin' in a pie shell... ♪

[sniffing]

[crying]

Okay, clearly this horrendous song

strikes a weird chord with you.

Horrendous?

The song's name is "My Pal, Puddin'"

The dog is Puddin'.

The dog's worm food.

He said it's been 10 years.

Anyway, what's something in your paperwork

you could connect to it?

[sniffling]

I don't know.

This is really hard.

Can't I just let the music flow through me

and fuel my delicate soul?

No!

We're here to work.

[clattering]

How am I supposed to concentrate

when you're wearing that?

Would it help if I put the visor up?

[breathing like Darth Vader]

It would help

if you stopped breathing like that.

[in deep voice] "Luke...

Who's your Daddy?"

[groans]

What are you looking for?

Hank's keys!

I told you that.

Ah, sorry, I was distracted

by how long that line is getting.

You're gonna have to start letting people in.

Am I the only one

that knows what the word "exclusive" means?

That's how this works.

You let just enough people in to get the crowd's hopes up,

but you leave the majority outside looking in

to create hype,

but no riff-raff.

Well, I don't know who's riff and who's raff.

Karen,

you can let one more person into the VIP section,

but be selective.

You double-fisting tonight, Mavis?

One of these is for Brent...

if I get inside.

[chuckles] Well played.

[crunching]

Those barbecue?

Mm, the rye in the VIP section

tastes way better.

It's the exact same rye.

I know,

but this is spiked with justice.

Right, Lanny?

Lanny? Really?

Hey, Karen,

I'm a little stumped by your vetting process.

Don't tell me how to do my job.

[soft country music playing]

Okay, let's see if your memory's improving.

What's this song about?

Driving Highway 431 through Tennessee.

Right, and what should this remind you to do?

Well, 431 is a date,

and "Tennessee" sounds like "10-AC,"

so...

I need to submit form 10-AC by April 31st!

Congratulations!

None of that is correct.

April doesn't even have 31 days.

Aw, this is useless.

You just need to focus.

I think I can help.

Now you don't have to pay attention to the road.

I actually think this is illegal.

Is it?

What's the police code for the law we're breaking?

Uh...

I'll keep driving until you figure it out.

Technically...

there's no speed limit for us, right?

Not if we're in pursuit of--

Whoa!

Wow, that's a long line.

We're not lining up

to talk to our own idiot son.

Oh, great,

Captain Kerfuffle's on the case.

Outta the way, crumb lips.

I want to talk to that jackass.

No can do.

Yes can do. Just open the rope.

-[slap] -Hey!

Emma, I'd be okay letting you in,

but not with the company you keep.

The company?

She happens to be Vice President

of this company.

We don't need this.

Come on, Emma.

Right behind you.

Hey, Mom, what's up?

Hank, is that my purse?

Just checking to see if I dropped my keys in here.

I remember going through it last night

looking for gum.

We really need to start talking about boundaries.

--and your choice of gum flavours.

I give up.

I can't find my keys anywhere!

Is it possible they're not lost?

Maybe you gave them to someone?

Yes!

I did do that!

Mystery solved!

Great!

Who did you give them to?

Uh...

New mystery!

[♪♪♪]

Oscar, were you here last night?

I gave my keys to someone, and I don't remember who.

What kind of a moron gives someone his keys,

and then doesn't have the brains to even...

Dammit, Emma's right.

I am a kerfuffler.

A what?

Oh...

That's all right, I kerfuffled earlier too.

In a crowd,

no one can tell who did it.

Does anyone have my keys?

[mouth full] This job is great.

You get to drive around all day,

eatin' donuts,

doin' donuts.

Knock it off, I'm getting sick.

It's hard enough to make these country music connections.

What does a ghost truck driver have to do with police work?

[brakes screech]

The trucker was a ghost?

I thought the hitchhiker was a ghost.

That was four songs ago.

Hey, should those teenagers

be out at night

tipping over PlastiPottys?

At night? No.

They just need a firm talking to.

I'll take care of it.

I mean, nothing from these songs connects.

"My wife left me,

and she took my truck."

What does that have to do with urinating in public?

Okay, kids, time to wrap it up.

[shouts of protest]

Hey, now! [door slams]

[teens laughing and taunting]

Okay, kids, time to let me out.

Kids? Kids?

Kids! [banging on door]

[gasps] Wanda!

Maybe the truck is the ghost.

I gotta play that again.

Let me out!

This cubit reeks!

Are all VIP sections this loud?

Aw, thanks, but I ate earlier.

What do you mean, I'm getting burlier?

[splashing]

Oops, sorry.

Come on, Lanny, that's the good rye.

You're getting justice juice everywhere.

Lacey, hand me a napkin.

Lacey?

Well, now, where did she--

[grumbling]

This is abuse of my private area.

Well, you took your sweet time.

Where you been?

Nowhere fun.

I'd rather be here with you.

Can I get you folks another round?

About time!

I've been sitting here for...

a while now, yeah,

and you look like

you're having a busy night, and...

I'll have another drink when you have a minute.

Are you kidding me?

I've been holding this empty glass

for a half hour.

Would it kill you to hire some help,

you cheapskate?

Yeah, you tell 'em, baby!

Mrs. Kerfuffle is on the case!

I learned from the master.

Aw, that's sweet.

Gaah! What the hell?

Emma, did I give you my keys?

No.

Did I give you a beating?

No.

I will if you don't get lost.

Karen, you're not doing a very good job

of keeping people out.

Do you think it's the T-shirt?

I swear to--

No.

Brent told me to let everyone in.

He did?

Why would he want everyone--

Ah...

I see what you did.

Very clever.

Yep.

I'm always thinking ahead.

How long have you been planning this?

About a minute and a half.

So not too far ahead.

I've talked to everyone,

and no one has my keys.

Hmm, well, everyone who was here last night

is here now,

except Wanda.

Wanda! That's it!

Where is she?

I dunno.

Another mystery!

I'm like Sherlock Holmes and Scooby-Doo

rolled into one.

Except they solve mysteries.

You get drunk and create them.

Otherwise, very similar.

[♪♪♪]

Well, that didn't work.

I know.

It's all fun and games

until you get a pant-full of sewage...

that's not your own.

No, I'm talking about your system.

It hasn't improved my memory at all.

I just want to listen to Elden Hacksaw

and not have to think about work.

Hacksaw?

I thought you said his name was Bucksaw.

Great, now I can't even

remember facts about country music.

Your stupid method ruined my memory.

It's not my fault your brain's corrupted

with all that dumb country junk.

This method has worked on monkeys.

[knocks]

Hey, Wanda, I gave you my keys last night.

No, you didn't.

Or... hang on...

[slurring] Here.

Hold my keys till tomorrow,

and don't let me forget.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

So where are they?

Uh...

I don't remember.

What's that?

You don't remember?

Now who's the dumb country monkey, huh?

Wait, I think I have that song.

[playing track]

♪ She's my little country monkey ♪

♪ Boop-boop ♪

♪ Bourbon and bananas ♪

♪ and her fur-lined pyjamas at the zoo ♪

♪ Boop-boo! ♪

How was work?

Aah!

What are you doing here?

I'm looking for Hank's keys.

He gave them to me last night,

and I'm retracing his steps.

If you had them,

why are you retracing his steps?

Because...

I don't know!

I can't think.

Put on some country music.

How about I put on some coffee?

♪ She's puttin' on some coffee ♪

♪ Some bourbon and bananas ♪

♪ And fur-lined pyjamas... ♪

Wait, if you haven't found the keys yet,

then where's--

Lacey, do you have any bath bombs?

[♪♪♪]

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ The same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just... don't know ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ And it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know ♪