Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

I'm lookingfor Wanda Dollard.

Now you're looking atWanda Dollard.

I'm from East MontgomeryUniversity.

Hey, I took online courses there.

Listen, if this is about the tuition,

I did not know my credit card was maxed out,

or expired,

or not mine.

I'm here to deliveryour doctorate degree

in Philosophy.

Congratulations!

You're now an alumnusof the Fighting Ostriches.

[toots horn]

The school is E.M.U.

but the mascot is an ostrich?

Well, damn.

I'll have to bring that upat the next meeting.

Question,

why are you hand- delivering my diploma

for an online degree?

You didn't untick the option for hand delivery.

That probably shouldn't be our default.

I'll bring that up at the next meeting too.

Anyway,

now you can say goodbyeto this dead-end job

and embark on a careerin Philosophy.

'Cause that's where the real money is.

I only took the courses to up my small-talk game.

Now instead of talking weather with the farmers,

I can mix it up with a little "Do we have free will?"

Or "How about that Nietzsche? Huh?

He could really ruin a church picnic,

am I right?"

I don't teachPhilosophy.

I teach MathematicalProbability.

So why did they send you?

I drew the short straw.

[toots horn]

I've been waiting 20 yearsto make that joke!

We're done here.

I've got a 32-hour tripahead of me.

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby you're so wrong ♪

[♪♪♪]

[whistling nonchalantly]

Hey, Brent.

You seem chipper today.

I should be chipper.

It's my day off.

Plus, I just had some chips.

[skateboard slaps]

[teens laugh and shout] Oh, yass! Nice!

Hey, watch it!

What's yer prob?

We're grinding a rail.

It's government property, ya punks.

Go grind something else.

Ew.

Wow. You went fromchipper to curmudgeon

pretty quick there,old timer.

You're Oscar 2.0.

No, I'm not.

Now, scram, or I'll call the feds!

Okay, that was reminiscent.

Well, I think it's greatthat they're skateboarding.

Better than beingon their phones all day.

Listen to The Lace.

She's so cool.

[gushing] Oh, geez.

Well, I'm not that cool.

Just compared to this dinosaur.

"Scram! I'm a hundred!"

Ooh, sick burn!

You're the GOAT, Lace.

Oh, hear that?

I'm a goat.

Why am I a goat?

Probably has something to dowith chin whiskers.

[♪♪♪]

It's unconstitutional!

What, parking tickets?

What's your beef, copper?

You get off on stickin' it to the little guy?

Why are youkicking up a fuss?

It's not even our car.

It's not even a car.

I'm just making a point.

Why do you never support me, woman?

I do support you.

There was that time I--

Oh. No.

Well, thatother time I--

Huh.

I'll be darned.

See?

Fine. Whatever yourandomly oppose next,

I'll support you 100%.

Why are you writing that ticket

with your left hand?

'Cause I'm... left-handed?

Left-handed!

That's an abomination!

Right, Emma?

Right?

[sighs]

I support you 100%,

and regret this already.

[♪♪♪]

"Doc-toriss... Phil-o-so...raptor?"

It's my degree,Dorkus idioticus.

I'm now officiallya doctor of--

You're a doctor?

Uh, can you look at this rash?

Not without vomiting.

So you're not a doctor?

I'm differentkind of doctor,

a doctor of Philosophy,

but you should definitelyput some balm on your butt.

Butt balm, got it.

Thanks, Dr. Wanda.

That wasn'ta medical diagnosis,

just common sense.

But keep upthe "Dr. Wanda" stuff.

A doctor couldget used to that.

Hey,"The Lace."

Am I using that right?

"The Lace." "Lacers."

"The GOAT," apparently.

I answer to all of them.

What can I do for you, old timer?

Can I get a table out on the patio?

Sure. Why?

Oh, you know us old folks.

Need the Vitamin D to ward off osteoporosis.

Plus, looks like a lot going on out there.

There is?

Hey!

-Hey, Lacey! -Lacers! -Lace-up!

Oh, what's up, guys?

What brings you here

to the, uh... goat... pen?

You're the only adult in town

who doesn't rag on us for skateboarding.

So we thought we'd come hang here.

You're cool, right?

Yeah, you're cool,right, Lacers?

Cool, groovy, 23 skidoo?

I can't keep upwith you youngsters

and your funky slangand your gender-fluid apps.

Oh, yeah, uh, absolutely.

Supes cool.

Hey, knock that off!

What?

Uh, knock that flower pot off

so there's more room

for you to do your grindboarding.

Didn't the militaryoutlaw that?

Whoa, okay, stop it!

And, uh, come inside for some fries

on the house!

[cheering] Whoo-hoo!

All right!

Free fries!Count me in.

Not for you, Pops,

but I'll give you the senior's discount.

Burn, but sold.

[♪♪♪]

[quietly] I want you to feel my bump.

Look, uh, I like you,Mavis, but, uh...

Squishy. Bumpy.

We all done here?

"Squishy"?

I came here for some medical advice from a doctor.

Who said I was a--

Oh, sorry, Mavis.

I'm not that kind of a doctor.

I knew it.

I mean, you're smart,

but you're not doctor smart.

Hey!I am a doctor,

and I know what that is.

It's called a ganglion.

I want you to treat it,

not name it.

It's a benignirritant...

with a cyston her wrist.

My cousin hadone of those.

You just have to hit itwith something hard.

Hey-o!

Oh!

Hey, it's gone!

Oh, thank you, Wanda.

Dr. Wanda.

[♪♪♪]

Left-handedpolice officers.

What's next?

Left-handedsoccer players?

Why would that even--

[Karen]: Good morning.

It most certainly is not!

Your partner is from H-E-double hockey sticks!

I don't really follow sports.

I'm saying Daviscan't be trusted.

You're telling me.

He took all my cheese strings and didn't replace them,

or eat them.

He just made little cheddar puppets.

I'm sorry to have totell you this, Karen.

Brace yourself.

Davis is...

left-handed!

So am I.

[gasps in shock]

You and Davis are both lefties?

Do you know what that means?

They excelin the arts?

They need a special can opener?

It means that 100% of the Dog River police force

is left-handed.

Sinister!

Sinistra!

That's "left" in Latino.

Is he okay?

I support him 100% in his view

that lefties are--

What was it again?

An abomin--

"An abomination."

So how much for the cheese strings?

[♪♪♪]

Three more plates of bottomless free fries.

Can I get some more?

Mine are cold.

Maybe you shouldn't have poured

an entire bottle of ketchup on them.

[giggles]

My bad!

I meant to hit Zeke.

Oh!

My bad.

My old grip's not what it used to be.

[all shouting] Napkin Fight!

Whoo!

[rowdy laughter]

Missed me!

Lookin' a little warm, The Coolest.

I'm just fine,The Oldest.

Can I get a glass of prune juice

while you're in there?

Keeps the train on time.

Ugh! Old people are gross.

This is a left-handed crisis!

First Davis, and now Karen.

It's an epidemic.

Who's next?

We need to rally the righties.

But maybe it's time to find something new

to be irration...

...passionate about.

The important thing

is that you, you voiced your concern,

and I backed you up,

and now it's over.

Right?

Wrong!

[crowd chanting]: Left ain't right!

Left ain't right!

[♪♪♪]

[chanting] Left ain't right! Left ain't right!

You're not all here to protest the fact

that we're lefties, are you?

[all chanting] Yes!

Just likewe've always been,

and you've neverhad a problem with it.

[all chanting] Yes!

What do youwant us to do, quit?

You lefties are so dramatic.

We don't want you to quit.

We simply want you to become right-handed!

[chanting in agreement]

Sounds reasonable.

Does it?

I don't know.

I just see a bunchof tax-paying voters

who are upsetabout something,

so do what they want.

But that's mob rule.

Yeah!

Mobs rule!

[crowd chanting]: Mobs! Mobs! Mobs!

I guess we'reright-handed now.

What's with the cake?

I can't cure diabetes.

[laughs]

I am aware there is no cure for diabetes.

I brought youthis cake

as "thank you" forbanging my ganglion.

Whoa, when did that happen?

Aw, Mavis.

I can't accept payment for that.

Ow!

You a doctor?This is doctor cake.

I helped!

I'm kinda your nurse.

Uh, Doctor Wanda,

can you listento my heart?

I've brought a flan.

Listen, Helen, I'm not a medical--

Is that caramel?

Sure, I'll take a look at your tart.

Uh... heart.

[laughing]

You pea'dyour pants!

"Pea" with an "A"!

Good one!

Oh, no, it's Officer Right Hand

coming in for a drink of coffee.

[smack]

Ow!

Now it looks likeyou peed your pants,

with an "E."

Knock off the giggling, you ninnies!

This right-handed stuff is serious business.

Hey, we're trying.

Not hard enough.

From now on,

I'm following you two around

to make sure you stay on the path.

The right path.

[skate wheels rolling]

Hey, Emma,

I was wonderingif I could get your help

with something.

A lot ofthe local teens are--

Teens are what?

Is there problem, Goat-chella?

And tell me in words I can understand.

None of your hip street jive.

No problem.

Everythingis absolutely lit.

-[smack] -Ow!

That's a right-handeddoor!

Come on, Emma!

We're followingthese degenerates around

all day.

How about Isupport you remotely,

by keeping an eye outfor other lefties in town?

Good thinking, woman!

Don't everget married.

[♪♪♪]

Dr. Wanda will see you now.

I need an oil filter.

Do you have an appointment?

Hey, Won, let's get you up on the table.

[telephone rings]

Hank...

[clears throat]

Nurse Hank, can you get the phone?

[grumbles]Nurses do everything.

Corner Gas General,Nurse Hank speaking.

Well, that's nothing to be concerned about.

Can I talk to Wanda for a sec?

The doctoris busy right now.

Are you guys... playing doctor?

Playing?

I wish.

No, Wanda's really a doctor, and I'm her nurse.

Please don't bleed on the ham!

Well, I was just calling to check in,

make sure everything was weird

and didn't make sense.

Carry on.

[beeps off telephone]

I owe you..."

bum circle"?

That's not a bum, it's a "3."

3-0. $30.

[smack]

Ow! Son of a--

[grunts]

I'm drawing a line, Oscar.

Draw it with your right hand!

[♪♪♪]

Nurse.

Doctor.

Did you have the audacity

to take the sliver out of Michelle's thumb

while I was on a lunch break?

[muttering] Your whole day is a lunch break.

Excuse me?

Yes, I did,

and I nailed it.

I even earneda croissant.

Nurses don't get pastries!

Doctors get pastries!

Now, stick to your medical duties,

and stack that wiper fluid.

Uh-uh-uh...

[groans]

I need you to get those skateboarders

out of The Ruby.

This whole thing has gotten out of hand.

Please don't usethe word "hand."

Well, did you ask them to leave?

I can't.

I need them to think I'm cool.

Plus, there's this whole

back and forth teasing thing with Brent

that I really need to win.

Have you considered

that we might have more important things to do

than deal with your guys's weird flirty stuff?

Flirting?

Grow up.

This isn't high school.

It's about me looking cool

in front of teenagers.

Here's the thing, Lacey.

I prefer "The Lace."

Here's the thing, Lacey.

We can't do anything

unless you make a formal complaint,

and if you do that, the kids will find out.

So we can'tlend you a hand

to give youthe upper hand.

I can't stopsaying "hand."

[groans]

[smack]

Ow!

Let it go, Oscar.

We've been right-handed all day.

It's not that easy.

There's a scientific process to abandoning the dark side.

You've barely made it through Phase One.

...of two?

Of 12!

I don't feel so good.

Maybe I should go see Dr. Wanda.

Wanda's a doctor?

I'm hearing reports

that you're operatingan unlicensed medical clinic?

Uh... technically.

Great.

I need a doctor's note

saying me and Davis are now medically right-handed.

Happy to help.

Whoo!

Please, no cheering.

Always keen to use my power for good.

No, you're onStarMyDoc.com,

and you've gota really high rating.

Really?

Yay me!

I mean, I'm not that kind of doctor,

but they called it "StarMyDoc."

Pretty vague.

It's really their fault for not specifying.

So in conclusion, yay me!

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Five stars,five stars, five stars.

These reviews are amazing.

Sure, I'm good.

Talented, even.

Am I popular? Clearly.

But these websites don't actually mean--

One star?

Who gave me one star?

"Doctor Wandawould rather take lunch

than treather patients in need,

but top marksfor Nurse Hank!"

Aww...

I'm gonna track down this @DogRiverMichelle person,

whoever she is,

and give her a piece of my--

Oh! It's probably Michelle.

[video playback blares, teens laugh and whoop]

If you're here to gloat,

go away.

No gloat, GOAT.

Just soaking up the chaos.

Why don't you just kick them out?

[sighs] Because...

this is the first timein my life

anybody ever thoughtI was cool.

I'll tell you what's cool.

Being a crusty curmudgeon.

Check this out, home slice.

Hey, Snapchats!

Time for you toScramazon-dot-com.

It's not your diner, prune dude.

We only leave

if The Amazing Lace tells us to.

Aww. [chuckles]

They called me"Amazing Lace."

I can't kick them out.

Then maybe you should just call the cops.

I already did,

and they refused to give me any help, so...

yeah.

This is their fault.

Hey, gang!

I love chillin' with youin my eatin' crib,

but there's a way morebadass place to hang out

and do rails...

the Cop Shop.

Yeah, edgy.

Ooh, dangerous.

Bangin'!

[all laughing and joking] Sick!

They left,and I'm still cool!

What doesbangin' mean?

Pretty sure it's somethin' filthy.

[muttering] Filthy teenagers.

"Dr. Wanda and her magic hands

give her patients top-tier service..."

I don't feel good aboutwriting false reviews

to boost your ratings.

Do you feel good about shutting up and typing?

"I give her six stars."

It only goes up to five.

A-ha!

Read it and weep.

What?

Since whenis Wanda a doctor?

Since never, that's when.

Ha!

Do you thinkhe bought it?

I don't.

This is beyond the medical realm anyway.

We're on to Phase Two.

Positive reinforcement with treats?

No. Public shaming.

With treats?

You're going to publicly denounce

your left-handedness

as shameful,

evil,

and a transgression against humanity.

Ladies and gentlemen, Karen and Davis!

[scattered applause]

You can't boot me off the site.

I'm technically a doctor,

and didn't you see my reviews?

I did not write those.

I dictated them while my nurse typed.

[muttering] And he's not even technically a nurse,

so he's the one you should be--

[dial tone beeping] Aw, we got cut off.

Those elitists booted me off StarMyDoc

just because I'm not a physician.

Tell that to my patients.

Well, there goes my dream

of being the world's first male nurse.

There's been male nurses in this country

since the 1950s.

Huh, then no big deal.

Let's get this placeback to normal

before you loseyour actual job.

Sound good, Wanda?

Dr. Wanda.

I'm still a doctor of Philosophy.

And to quote Kierkegaard, "Suck on that, haters."

Come on, start shaming yourselves.

You're losing the crowd.

Oscar, there's no way we're doing that.

Yeah, we needsome time to prepare.

Write a speech,workshop it.

[grumbling in disappointment]

Hey, what's going on?

Just a good old-fashioned left-handed shaming.

What's wrong with being left-handed?

Yeah, we should celebrate our differences.

I have a nose ring. Zeke has red hair.

Yeah, Tina haswebbed feet.

You shouldsee her swim.

Being different is what makes us all great.

You should never be ashamedof what makes you unique.

[weeping]

Oscar, are you okay?

I have something to say,

and this may shock some of you...

perhaps most of all, my wife.

Is this about you being born left-handed

and being forced to change as a child?

Yeah, that.

So when I was a young--

Wait a minute,

how the hell did you knowI was born left-handed?

We've been married for 40 years.

There's been a few clues.

Did I ever tell youI was born left-handed?

Ugh, not this sob story again.

Well, if you knew,

why did you back me upon this crazy witch-hunt?

Jeez, you're mad when I don't support you,

you're mad when I do support you.

You can't have it both ways.

Yes, I can.

You know, I'm bi.

Ambi, Oscar.

You're ambidextrous.

[mob grumbling in disappointment]

Thanks for backing us, kids.

We really appreciate it.

No problem, 5-0.

Now it's grind time.

Whoo!

Yeah!

Check it out!

Whoa--

No, it's confiscatin' time.

You can't skate here.

It's official police property.

Yeah, and Lacey doesn't want you skateboarding

at her place either.

[teens gasp in shock] What? No! Lacey said what?

Did she want us to keep that quiet?

Not cool, Lacey.

Amazing Lacey?

Narc!

Hey, Lacey's not a dork.

They said "narc."

Well, whatever the hip lingo is.

She put up with your claptrappin' shenanigans--

Jeez, how old am I?

Anyway, my point is,

Lacey's the coolest person I know.

Aw, thanks, Brent.

Old Man Leroy Junior thinks Lacey's cool.

That makes her an even bigger dork.

Okay, I'm sure they said "dork" that time.

I don't care anymore.

I want all of you kidsout of here.

You've been rude,disrespectful, disruptive--

They're already gone.

I know, I just need to get this off my chest.

And furthermore,

your pants are too baggy,

and get off my lawn!

Whew...

Oh, that felt good.

[♪♪♪]

You're back.

What are the odds?

Get it?

Probability?

Can I see thatfor a quick sec?

Okay, but be careful.

I need that

to get discounts from drug reps.

[smash]

Hey!

That was like the opposite of careful!

E.M.U. has been notified

that you impersonated a medical doctor,

started an illegal practice,

and accepted carbohydrates as payment.

There was also ham.

You, Wanda Dollard,

are no longera Fighting Emu.

Fighting Emu?

Hey, you changed the name!

We did. That was a great catch.

Anyway, sorry to revoke your degree,

but it's your own fault for developing a God complex.

Does a God complex really exist?

There you go!

Stick to Philosophy,and no one gets hurt.

No one gets baked goods, either!

[♪♪♪]

♪ I don't know

♪ The same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know

♪ I just... don't know

♪ Ooh

♪ It's a great big place

♪ Ooh

♪ Full of nothin' but space

♪ Ooh

♪ And it's my happy place

♪ I don't know