Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

You're saying that Val Kilmer's nipples were so sensitive

that he had fake nipples put on his Batman chest armor?

Uh-huh.

A. Wouldn't solve the problem.

B. What about Clooney?

His chest armor had nipples too.

Uh, it's commonknowledge

that Clooneyhad his nipples insured

for a million dollars.

Why the hell would George insure his nipples

for a million dollars?

Why?

I'll show you why.

[gasping]

My God, they're spectacular!

Oh, yeah, they are.

You're making that up.

How did you know?

No one can afford two accountants.

Not even Clooney.

Right, Wanda?

Can't talk. Busy.

Too busy to talk about Clooney's nipples?

Since when?

Since I started programming my own computer game.

Oh, computer game.

Sounds awesome.

It's an urban development game,

designing and building cities.

Sounds less awesome.

Oh, no, no, you're thinking of other city design games.

Mine gets down and dirty,

into the real nitty-gritty of the city.

I like nitty gritty.

I like down and dirty.

Let us play!

Come on, come on, please?

Well...

I do need to get it beta tested,

and you guys are about as beta as it gets.

All right, you can try it.

You guys talkingabout computer games?

All right!

I love 'em!

Chess, Checkers, Mahjong--

So, board games on a screen, then.

You Gen-Xers, you alwaysgot your nose in a computer.

In my day, we played gameson tables made of solid oak,

face to face, like real men.

Gather 'round, youngsters,

Dad's going to tell us

about the Great Kerplunk Championship of '39.

When we were dating, we used to have game nights.

We'd play Scrabble, Risk, Monopoly, Sorry...

Don't apologize.

Those ParkerBrothers really knew

how to show you a good time.

Remember Crokinole?

Uh, it's pronounced "Whack-A-Mole."

Who could forget Crokinole?

Those were crazy times.

Speaking of crazy, when you're playing computer solitaire,

you can change the design of the cards,

like, any time you want.

Middle of a game, playing with sunflowers,

then blammo! Niagara Falls.

My game sounds pretty exciting now, doesn't it?

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby you're so wrong ♪

[♪♪♪]

How's lunch, Davis?

It's not exactly what I ordered.

Oh, shoot! I gave you scrambled eggs.

You ordered over easy.

Chicken and waffles, actually,

but no worries, I'll eat this.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Davis.

How about I make it up to you

with a free box of Prairie Leader cookies?

I'm helping sell them

for their annual anti-bullying campaign.

Unfortunate turn of phrase.

Those cookiestaste so good

with an ice-coldglass of--

Milk!

Exactly!

Oh, I'm so sorry, Davis!

Here, let mehelp with that.

Coffee!

Oh, geez!

Sorry about that.

It's all fine.

I'll just go to the bathroom

and clean myself up.

Huh.

After all that, he didn't even get angry.

Davis?

Yeah, he's pretty even-keeled.

He's the keelest person I know.

Come to think of it,

I've never seen him angry.

Hmm. Can't say that I have either.

I see a lot of moody, some giddy.

I get a crap-ton of pouty...

but not angry.

That's not good.

Bottling up anger can be dangerous for your health.

Health is important.

Can I get anotherpulled pork poutine?

There's milk in mine.

Emma,look what I have.

I'm sure it's impressive,

but Tuesday is when we wiggle and giggle.

Not that!Horndog. [chuckling]

The old Crokinole board!

I found it in the basement.

You up for a game for old times' sake?

Are you kidding?

Set it up.

It's set up.

Aren't there supposed to be game pieces?

Oh yeah.

Little pucksor something.

So what do we do now?

I have an idea.

You can't wait until Tuesday?

You started it.

You have no other pantsyou can wear

while you're soakingthe stain

out of your uniform?

I'm behind on laundry.

My washing machine broke,

and the manufacturer isn't honouring the warranty.

Wow, that's gottamake you a little angry.

That and walking aroundlike a carrot with a badge.

Well, there's a silver lining to everything.

My negotiating skills are improving

by talking to customer service,

and these sweatpants are hella comfortable.

[chuckling]

What the...

I'm being audited.

You poor bastard.

Strangers combing through your personal life.

So violating.

No silver lining in that.

Gives me chance to meet other government employees.

Maybe ask them

if you can write offthose sweatpants.

That was fast.

I thought beta testing would take longer.

Ooh, or were you guys having so much fun

you had to stop and catch your breath?

Honestly...

bit of a snore.

Big snore.

Snores galore.

A snoregasbord.

A Jersey snore.

[laughing]

Wait a minute, why am I--

It's not boring.

You said nitty gritty.

I did not find an ounce of nit nor grit.

And I was downto get dirty,

and there was nodirty to be downed.

Where's all the actionyou were talking about?

The action is slicing through bureaucratic red tape,

battling city hall over permits,

while wrestling with the budget!

Yeah...

Uh, all we're saying is

maybe in betweenthe egg-head action,

someone could shootsomeone.

Or sever a limb with a battle axe.

While in a high-speed chase.

People can be entertained without violence.

Yeah, we just don't want to hang out with those people.

I refuse to pander!

Ooh. A giant panderwould be cool.

I found some things we can use as game pieces.

I... I got three bottle caps

and a dried circle of ketchup I scraped off a dinner plate.

Never mind that.

I just bought a box of Prairie Leader Cookies.

They'll be perfect for game pucks.

Now we're cookin'with coconut.

And since you solvedour little puck problem,

you can go first.

Alrighty.

What the hell was that?

I'm setting up scouts.

King me!

That's not how you play.

Well, then, how do you play?

First you build a tower,

and each player triesto pull a cookie out

withoutmaking it fall.

That's Jenga.

Oh.

You pinch one puckwith another

to make it flipthrough the air.

That's tiddly winks!

Oh. Uh...

You roll a puck across the board.

If it falls before it reaches the end,

you have to chase me around the table

and catch me before I get back to my seat.

That's...

I have no idea what that is.

Are these the chocolatecoated cookies

with mint filling?

No.

They're the chocolate and vanilla kind.

Hmm.

You were right.

There's something very unnatural

about Davis' lack of anger.

Which is why I think we should make him mad.

Why would we do that?

Think of all that stress building up in him

with no outlet.

I had a cousin who had a heart attack at 40

because of stress.

Wasn't he the one who worked as a bacon tester?

At the pork factory?

Yeah, and when his doctor made him quit smoking,

the stress killed him.

But you're talking about purposely provoking

a giant of a man

who carries a big stick and a gun.

For his own health.

I'm also considering the health of bystanders,

some of whom spend eight to 12 hours a day

working right beside him.

But if we do itin a controlled way,

we can prevent himfrom blowing up

over something stupidsomeday in the future.

I don't likethe chocolate ones.

Could I buy half--

Just buy a box already!

Aah!

I'll admit it.

I might have been a little precious earlier,

so I made some small tweaks to the game.

I don't see much difference.

There's still no thrills.

Yeah, where's the adrenaline rush?

Where's the adrenaline rush?

Player 1 has to make it to city hall

before the permit office closes.

Does she wait for the walk light?

Does she jaywalk?

And she's running 4.5 miles an hour!

In heels!

How is that conflict?

Look down, idiot!

Subway grate.

Yeah, but there's no battling.

At the very least, give us a physical altercation.

Fine, I'll show you.

One side, citizen!

Stand right, walk left.

Ha! She nearly knocked him to the ground!

Talk about full tilt.

Wait!

Did you miss the giant panda?

I took your note!

[Davis sighs]

Why the sigh,cherry pie?

I have two flat tires on my car.

Wow.

Who the... I mean...

what happened there?

You're having quite the day.

Wouldn't blame you for getting angry.

Why is there a punching bag here?

Lacey lent it to me.

I just hung it up there for now.

Flat tires, huh? Grr.

And what's with all the clown noses?

Those are stress balls.

I got a deal on a whole box.

Here, try one.

Ow!

Sorry.

Here's another one.

-Hey! -And another.

What are you doing? Karen, stop it!

And another.

[chuckling]

What are you laughing at?

I just realized how ironic it was

that I was getting stressed at being hit by stress balls.

Stress? Balls?

Ow! Ooh.

Get it? [laughing]

Yeah.

Hilarious.

The rules must be here somewhere.

I can't believe you savedall these instructions.

Half of them areappliance manuals.

"Congratulations on taking your first step into the future

with the Crumb King 200"?

Why are you reading that?

Golden crisp booster button?

This was six toasters ago.

Hoard much?

[♪♪♪]

Still working on your game?

Silent treatment.I get it.

All because someone tried

to help someone makesomeone's game better.

It's too bad,

because someone took timeout of someone's day

to make someonea list of suggestions

for someone.

If someone hears someone's suggestions,

will someone shut up?

Let's find out.

You know what's missingin every cityscape game?

A super-keen dork?

The country.

The city is so limiting.

Create more of a world, if you will.

A fantastical world, with...

Ogres!

Why is the ogre wearing glasses?

I have a wholeback story for that,

but it's too muchto get into.

Okay.

Cow dung, near-sighted ogres.

Got it, thanks.

No, no, there's more.

Planning on a picnic in the park?

The forecast is sunny, with a chance of...

Dragon!

The dragon also wears glasses.

Glasses are cool.

Are they?

Oh, that really hurt.

I have no idea how that tackgot on your chair.

How ya feeling, buddy?

Anxious.

But nothing a nice cup of Splendid Serenity

and some Prairie Leader cookies won't cure.

Where are my cookies?

Oh, I helped myselfto a few of them.

I mean, all of them.

You're not angry, are you?

Flat tire, tack in the ass,

I bagged him with a stress ball.

Zero anger!

I even ate all his Prairie Leader Cookies,

and I hate the chocolate ones.

I'll take it from here.

"Hungry" is one letter away from "hangry,"

which has the word "angry" right in it.

You ever notice that?

Yeah.

That's what that is.

Get ready to lightthis lavender candle

when Davis explodes.

Hungry, Davis?

Hungry Hungry Davis!

I'll have a tuna melt.

Sorry, we're out.

Okay.

Clubhouse sandwich.

We're out of that too.

Oh. What's the soup?

It's the one you hate.

Aw, I hate that one.

Plate of fries?

Nope, deep fryer'sbroken.

All we have isliver and onions.

Liver and onions, gross!

I'm starving here.

Get that candle ready.

Davis, you playgames on your computer.

Show us howto play Crokinole.

Cookies!

Don't!

Mm.

What are you doing?

You're supposed to use them as game pieces.

Dammit!

Those Brent's ideas?

Mm-hmm.

I have some ideas too.

If you're nice to me, I'll show 'em to you.

So I guess I'll never see them.

Okay, you don't haveto be nice.

Just look at my ideas.Please?

Okay, toilet tank, show me.

-"Toilet tank"? -We had a deal?

Fair enough.

Okay, every city has its element of crime--

Stop. I'm not putting bank robbers,

mafia goons,

and prostitute assassins in my game.

But that's thereality we live in!

At least put ina car chase.

People speed, right?

Average people?

Okay.

And sometimespeople get angry

and speedafter the speeders.

That's not untrue.

And maybe some ofthose people carry guns.

Forget it!

But if you'reusing Brent's ideas,

then they're goingto need guns

to protect themselvesfrom four-eyed ogres

and nerd dragons.

I wasconsidering Brent's ideas...

Check these out.

Wow, you really know how to paint a picture.

Actually,I just used pencil.

What are you doing?

I'm Yahooing the rules to Crokinole.

Player 1 tries to shoot their disc into the 20-hole.

If it doesn't land in the hole,

it stays in play in the 15 zone.

What the hell does that mean?

There's a video.

Clink on that.

Welcome to the world champion Crokinole final

in Sussex, England.

Nigel Conlon and St. John Bonrad-Walmsly

are locked in heated battle,

Bonrad-Walmsly in the lead,

and holding the hammer in the fifth.

This is for all the quid.

Let's watch.

[pieces clicking]

It just goes on and on.

It's like watchingBritish paint dry.

In slow motion,

With all thewindows closed.

I need some wine.

Bring me some whiskey.

The good stuff, from under the sink!

You wanted to talk to me?

Yes.

I had some time to think

as I was choking down my liver and onions,

and I realized I have a serious problem to deal with.

Oh, thank god.

Acknowledging the problem is half the battle, Davis.

And I just want you to know that Karen and I are here

to help you with your anger issues.

[both]: What?

There are ways to deal with it.

We have more than enough stress balls at the office,

and Karen, I think you should

give Lacey back her punching bag.

She needs it.

Lacey doesn't have anger issues.

Maybe a bit of a short fuse...

Zip it, Karen!

Davis, you're the one with anger issues.

Or... lack of.

Yeah. You neverget angry.

I get angry.

No, you don't.

Looking back, I can't think of a single episode.

Episode? Like a TV episode?

Like an incident.

A specific situation.

That is a weird way of phrasing it.

Oh, my god, I've never been angry.

That makes me so...

Angry?

...sad.

Come on!

Now I'm scared.

It's not the worst thing in the world

to not be angry.

It's not the greatest, either.

Without anger, I'm just some kind of pacifist freak.

But, now that you'reaware, you can fix it.

Maybe talk to someone.

I am! I'm talking to you guys.

And I'm getting panicky.

And nauseous.

Uh-oh, here comes the liver and onions.

Mission accomplished.

The new version of my game is finally finished.

What? You were gone 40 minutes.

Explain to me how you were able

to program all those changes that fast.

First, I patched a collection of off-the-shelf tools

to reduce the incidence of open bugs

and stabilize the code, creating a frictionless--

Whoa, whoa, I think you're forgetting

I don't know what any of those words mean.

I just added a smattering of your fantasy ideas

and some of the street crime that Hank wanted,

then wrapped it all up into the farming industry.

Gentlemen, I present to you my new game...

Grain Theft Ogre!

-No way! -Awesome!

I also created a cool way to personalize your characters

by using digital scans of your actual faces.

Yecch. That looks fake.

Who has lips that big?

Ooh, okay, that is a creep show.

All right, scrub that. We'll work the kinks out later.

Why do I havegrey whiskers?

I don't understand.

We used to love this game.

Just keep playing.

Maybe it'll put us to sleep.

Oscar Leroy in the final match

of the "Who Gives A Crap" Crokinole Championship

from Blandville, Borington...

[laughing]

I bet you can't do that again.

I'll take that action.

If you miss, you have to take a drink, and...

eat a radish.

A radish?

[laughing]

You're on.

Buckle up, buttercup!

So you lack the ability to process an emotion.

Is that so bad?

Actually, most serialkillers have that.

Where's my anger?

I'm all Bruce Banner and no Hulk.

All Beethoven and no Cujo.

Deep breaths, Davis.

You're starting to hyperventilate.

Plus, those weretwo different dogs.

This is your fault.

You should have left well enough alone.

This is pretty cool.

So what's my character again?

[Wanda]: You're a farmer ogre,

and you hired Stickman to deliver and sell your grain,

but you find him in the city,

having gambled away all your gold.

That dirty bastard.

And what's my story?

You're a slimeball stickman

very close to getting an ogre beating.

[Hank]: High-speed truck chase!

Whoo-hoo!

Try and catch me, four-eyes!

[Wanda]: Now it gets good.

Here, the ogre has the option of contacting authorities

and filing an F4-8 claimto compensate for lost property,

or...

...punch out the mailman and take his truck.

You're dead, Stickman!

No one's ever going to choose the F4-8 option, are they?

[hyperventilating]

I don't know why you're upset with me.

I was only trying to help.

Maybe Davis should breathe

into this paper bag.

Kinda busy here, Mavis!

Look how she flies off the handle like that.

You're so lucky to have anger issues, Lacey.

I don't have anger issues!

Let's take youfor little walk.

If anyone has issues, it's you,

you emotionally stunted weirdo!

No one likes a bully.

Yeah, well, no onelikes your cookies.

I'm sorry.

They kind of likethe vanilla ones.

Try and snick a cookie in my mouth

when I have two radishes in it.

[laughing]

Butter up, buckercup.

[laughing]

This is the best game ever.

Way betterwhen you're drunk

and make upyour own rules.

Wait, that's what we used to do

with all the games we played.

Right, we turned them into drinking games!

We don't like games!

We like drinking.

[laughing]

Whoo!

[laughing]

[Hank]: This game is super responsive.

Yeah. Zero lag time.

[gasp] Dragon!

Lava-bomb spitting dragon!

Whoa!

Now you have the option

of calling a dragon control officer

to safely remove--

Lightning blast!

Or just try and kill it.

Hey, guys.

Is it okayif we hang out?

Davis needs to unwind.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come play Wanda's game.

It'll take your mind off things.

Good idea.

Come on, buddy, let's check it out.

I don't know.

What do I do?

First you gottarun away from Brent.

Go! Go! Go!

Keep an eye out for that dragon!

Duck!

Up up, down down, B, then A.

That's how you lightning-blast the dragon.

I don't want to blast him.

I like dragons.

Then call dragon control instead.

Activate your wrist phone!

Davis, I want to apologize

for my behaviour.

Davis needs to take a minute.

Don't you, partner? -Huh?

Up up. Down down. Chop chop.

Wrist phone! 311!

Davis?

You can talk to Davis later.

Davis!

The dragon's gotyour stick legs!

Up, down, left left!

Up, down, left left.

[screeching]

You did it!You killed the dragon!

No!

I'm...

in... a...

bad... place...

right... now!

You got angry!

I got angry!

I did it!

♪ He got angry!

♪ I got angry

He got angry!

You have that backed up somewhere, don't you?

Of course I do...

on that laptop.

Ooh. Someone had a wild night.

Shh. Crokinole.

Shh.

Shh.

So, are you re-programmingyour game

on your new laptop?

Nope.

I found a game of pong online.

Wanna play?

The grand-daddyof video games.

Too bad they never expanded on it,

you know, characters 'n' such.

Use your imagination.

Hey, it works!

[both screaming]

What?

Do I have somethingon my face?

[♪♪♪]

♪ I don't know

♪ The same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know

♪ I just... don't know

♪ Ooh

♪ It's a great big place

♪ Ooh

♪ Full of nothin' but space

♪ Ooh

♪ And it's my happy place

♪ I don't know