Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

No, no, no,

I'm telling you...

I hear you telling me,

and I'm telling you you're wrong.

No way.

You know and I knowthat I'm right.

How would you know if you're right about anything?

It'd be a completely foreign feeling.

Quitting time.

It's not quitting time.

And yet here I go.

Wait. Settle an argument.

Remember when we were ten years old,

and Hank and I buried something in a coffee tin in the woods?

No. See you tomorrow!

We told you about this.

We had a red coffee tin,

and we put something inside it

and buried it.

Ah, the redcoffee tin.

No. I gotta go.

It's Darts Night,

and as League Commissioner,

I'm in charge of setting it up.

Right, no one else knows

how to take darts out of a jar.

It's not a jar, it's a canister.

And at least I know what's in mine.

Quality burn.

And I'm done arguing.

We put half a pack of cigarettes in that tin.

Period.

Nope.

It was a bag of weed.

It was not weed!

We never had weed in our lives.

Why would we have weed?

Why would webury cigarettes?

Cigarettesaren't illegal.

They are when you're ten.

We buried them

because the second we tried to fire one up,

we always got caught.

Immediately. Every time.

So we planned to smoke them in the woods

and we never got around to it,

30 years passed, and your memory got fuzzy.

Probably fuzzy fromall the weed we smoked.

We never smoked weed!

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby you're so wrong ♪

[♪♪♪]

I remember itcrystally clear.

We wanted tohide the stuff,

so you went andgot a coffee tin.

When you came backto my place

and knockedon the door,

I was too highto let you in.

That's from a Cheech and Chong album.

Why are you-- okay, you know what,

there's only one way to settle this.

We go out to the woods tonight, dig up the tin,

and see what's inside.

You're on.You close up.

I'll go getsome digging stuff.

"Digging stuff."

How do you remember what we buried 30 years ago

if you can't remember the word "shovel"?

Hello, partner.

Emma's your partner.

She's my darts partner.

You're my cop--

you know what I mean.

Ready to takeanother beating?

You barely beat us last week.

This week, it's revenge time.

Ah, care to place

a friendly wager,partner?

I'm your partner.

He's my-- argh, never mind.

Loser cleans the fridge at work.

Cleans the fridge?

That thing is full of moldy macaroni salad.

Bock bock bock bock.

That was chicken salad?

Oh.

It's a bet.

Any wagering has tobe authorized by me,

as league commissionerand founder of the entire--

-We know! -We know!

Then I willallow it.

Hey, Phil, I think I'll have a scotch tonight.

Settle my nerves.

Emma, how come you partnered up with Davis,

and not Oscar?

I joined darts for fun.

Oscar's the opposite of that.

I love him, but sometimesI need a bit of distance.

He's nine feet away.

I'll take what I can get.

Besides, Oscarcan't play darts anymore.

Physically or legally?

Emotionally.

He used to compete.

Three times Golden Flights champion.

But there was...

an incident.

So?

Oscar has four incidents

every day before breakfast.

Often followed by a brunch incident.

No, nothing like this.

This was The Incident.

Never bring it up to Oscar.

He hates talking about it.

Oh.

Ready to hitthe woods?

Dunno.

You think you brought enough gear?

You can neverbe too prepared.

Really?

We're going half a mile out of town.

You're packed like it's a moon launch.

You're not bringingany survival gear?

My phone.

If it makes you feel better,

I can call it a survival phone.

Hey, Oscar.Whatcha doing?

Building a snow fort.

What's it look like I'm doing?

Hmm.

You seem cranky.

Something bothering you?

Not up until ten seconds ago.

Do these gamesbeing played nearby

remind you of any...particular situation,

or what's anotherword for...

Incident?

Yeah, for "incident."

Occasion...?

You mean...

The Incident?

Well, since youbrought it up.

Yeah!

Nailed it!

We got good lead on them now, Emma.

A good what?

Oh, lead, yes, good.

Are you into this?

Good to hear.

They're gettingtoo far ahead.

We gottapick up our game.

I haven't been throwing well.

Too focused on my other duties

as league commissioner.

Oh, for the love of--

But that all turns around...

now!

Now!

Okay, just gotta relax.

Okay, that's too relaxed.

[phone ringing]

Damn.

It's the station line.

D.R.P.D.

Ugh. Fine.

I'll be right there.

There? Where?

I'm the cop on call,and there's been a break-in.

You're off to play cops and robbers?

Listen, Miss Marple, this is darts!

Ha!

♪ You lost your partner

We win by default.

♪ Enjoy that moldy macaroni!

Argh!

I should've said "molderoni."

Whoa, we didn't lose.

I get to name a replacement.

Karen was dragging me down anyways.

I don't like to talk about it.

It was a night much like this.

Many years ago...

-Lacey! -What?

You're onmy darts team.

You can't just pull someonefrom the crowd.

I've never thrown a dart in my life.

Lacey's in for Karen.

Don't you want to hear about The Incident?

I never talk about it!

Okay, we just have to find the right tree.

Look for the toy parachute man

we hung up in the branches.

I think we'rein the wrong area.

These trees are way tallerthan the ones we hung it in.

It was thirty years ago.

True, been a long time...

But I distinctly rememberthe trees being shorter.

Stick with ol' Hank, and you'll be fine.

Ugh, I can see that engraved on my tombstone.

So, what do I do?

Keep your toebehind the line,

point the dart,

and just tryto hit the board.

Well, aren't I supposed to hit some number or something?

Well, ideally you'd hitthe double eight,

but just worry about--

Whoa! Double eight!

You saidyou never played!

I haven't,

but it's pretty straight forward.

Can you hit the six?

Oboy! She's a natural.

I have never seenanything like this

in all my weeksas league commissioner.

I'm back!

It wasn't a break-in.

Helen heard voices, but it was just her TV.

Guess she thought burglars broke in

to talk about an Acorn Stairlift

for 30 minutes.

Well, that was fun, thanks.

Whoa, whoa. Hey.

Listen, Karen,here's the thing...

Lacey filled in, and,well, she's really good.

You're more...

uh, what's the word...

not.

So what are you saying?

Lacey's my new partner.

It's not personal,

it's just the brutal realityof competitive sports.

Thanks for understanding.

I don't understanding. Understand.

We could put it to a vote,but it'd be two against one.

That's just the brutalreality of math.

But if we're trying to win,

then I should partner with Karen.

She's way better than you.

Yeah, didn't you miss the board entirely

and hit the wall?

And then miss the wall entirely

and hit the floor?

I vote Karen.

I vote me.

I vote ouch.

Are you sure this is the tree?

100%.

Look at that jaggedbranch on the left.

You'll see a tinylittle...

hang on. Nope.

So now it isn't the tree?

100% not.

Okay, we 100% gotta turn around and go back.

Wait, our tree'sjust up ahead.

You said that about 12 trees in a row.

You think every tree is the tree.

You've gone tree mad.

We're lost, and I'm calling for help.

No! We're not lost.Don't call.

I won't call

if you'll just admit that we're lost.

Okay, fine. We're lost.

Then it's time to get help.

You said you wouldn't call!

Didn't say I wouldn't text.

[texting]

Wait.

You can't do this to me.

Do what? Save your life?

People in towncan't know I got lost.

They look up to me

as a rugged, survivalistBear Grylls type.

Bad News Bear Grylls, maybe.

Come on.Put your phone away.

Give me a chanceto get us out of here.

How?

Do you even have a compass

in that backpack?

My compass is internal.

It's called a finely tunedsense of direction.

What? Takes a whileto warm up.

Yes! We're catching up!

This game is too easy.

I'm gonna throw one left-handed.

You can't miss!

This is terrible.

They could win.

But look how much fun they're having.

I'm gonna try left-handed.

No!

[jukebox]: ♪ You can't miss me, baby

Whoopsie!

You totally wastedan entire throw.

Do you want to win or not?

This is important, Emma.

Do you want to see me coveredin moldy macaroni salad?

Never occurred to me,

but now I kind of do, yeah.

Pretty slack attitude, Emma.

Davis is right to want you off his team

and be replaced by me.

Okay, new team, new day!

Sorry, Wanda,you're too intense.

Makes me nervous.

But I started this league!

Plus you say thattoo much.

Exclude mefrom my own thing...

I started darts night,you know.

I know.

Darts can be a hard thing to walk away from.

Me? I had to.

Without me, these jerks

would be sitting aroundthumbing their bungs.

Yeah, I don't like to talk about it much,

but there was an incident...

Indecent is right.

"Incident."

It's indecent the waythey treat me.

It's hard for me not to talk about this

when you won't even listen!

I do all the work,and they just swoop in--

[crash]

[Karen]: Augh!

Way to go, Wanda!

You made me miss!

It was an accident!

But maybe the next one won't be.

If I can't play, no one will play.

I won't play.Not after The Incident.

I might tell you

if you don'task me about it.

Deal.

I think we're even more lost.

Is there such a thing as more lost?

You mean get so lostthat we find ourselves?

Food for thought.

Speaking of food, I'm hungry.

I've given you enough time to find a way out of here.

I'm calling for help.

No! You're goingto ruin my rep.

Sorry, Hank, the stomach wants what the stomach wants.

Wait, I havegranola bars.

Ooh, with the chocolatey coating.

Here, have one.

One?

Hmm.

I bet if I called...

someone'd bring me a whole box.

Fine, take it.

Oh, my god, there's little marshmallows too.

This is a littleawkward, but...

you missed that last shotreally badly.

I find it helpful to keepyour eye on the target.

Learned a lot

in the 15 minutes you've been playing darts,

haven't you?

I know, right?

Now, let's go win!

Yeah.

Go team.

Aah!

Just taking some photosfor DailyDartWorld.com.

Thanks a lot, Wanda.

You made me miss all the numbers.

-Oh, come on! -Oh, come on!

[mosquito buzzing]

[buzzing]

Ho ho ho ho ho... nice try, bug.

You think I've never seen The Three Stooges?

I've watched more--

Ow!

-[mosquito buzzing] -He bit me.

These bugs are terrible.

You shoulda brought a bug net built for two.

That is a bug netbuilt for two.

Oh.

Well, it's not very warm.

The sun's down,

and here's you, unprepared,in just a t-shirt.

True.

I could call someone for a scarf.

Unless...

[shivering]

Cozy.

What is this, flannel?

Hey, Davis, just curious.

Do you breathe in or outwhen you release?

Nice try, but you won't distract me

with your petty mind games.

[dart landing]

Dart in the hat. Classic.

Darts are a cruel game.

I learned that the hard way...

from The Incident.

She's in my head.

Just ignore her.

This next shot's gotta be stellar.

[playing]

Ow!

Dart in the cheek. Classic.

What's darts without a vuvuzela?

What's a vuvuzela?

[playing]

You'd think I would have annoyed those jerks

into quitting by now.

It only took me six tweets

to get those NASA nerds to declassify Pluto,

and then four to reclassify it.

Pick a side, eggheads.

I was on a side once.

The wrong side.

Of an incident.

It's a dark story, best left untold.

Did you say "dark"?

All right,quit hounding me.

I'll tell you.

It was a nightmuch like this--

Great story.

Phil, I need a copy of the hotel blueprints.

Blueprints?

Sure thing.

I'll have Tony Stark fax them right over.

Facts?

I'll tell youthe facts.

It was a nightmuch like this...

[striking flint]

This is just likeNaked and Afraid.

More like Naked-except- for-your-underwear

and Afraid.

Which I'm fine with.

You should be so lucky.

Hey, how'd you make a hammock out of pants?

[stomach gurgling]

You got any beans left?

Nope, sorry.

But if we call for help now,

there'll be time to grab a frozen pizza at Foo Mart.

No!

Real outdoorsmenforage for food anyway.

I bet I can findsome berries.

And bark.

You be careful out there.

I know what I'm doing.

And now we know what's your tombstone.

Mm... oh... oh.

[stomach rumbling]

Oh, I don't feel so good.

I hope those berries weren't poisonous.

Oh, no, no, no.The berries were all right.

I'm an experton the woods.

Hey, bears don'tusually talk, do they?

You're the expert.

Maybe I'm communicating telepathically.

Ah, yeah, thatmakes more sense.

I don't know what's got me feeling so woozy.

I... I only ate a few berries

to clear out the taste of those funky mushrooms.

Ah.

Fog's lifting a bit on that mystery.

You just need to ride this out.

Breathe.

Relax.

Mother Nature... will take care of you.

I'm just stressed becausemy friend and I are lost,

and it couldtarnish my reputation.

Reputations are tough, man.

You know, every time people see me,

they're always like "Ah! A bear!

Run for your life! He'll eat us!"

You know, I find that a little presumptuous.

Maybe I just want to maul somebody.

You ever think of that?

Pssh.

People are the worst.

What brought you out here, anyway?

Oh, we're trying to find

a coffee can we buriedwhen we were kids.

Oh, I happen to know

that there's a coffee can buried up over that ridge,

just past that stump

that looks like a pig holding a toaster.

Wow, that'svery specific.

Thanks, Bear...

Oh, hey, any relationto Bear Grylls?

Never heard of him.

Oh, I just thought

with you havingthe same name...

My name's Gavin.

Nice to meet ya, Gavin.

So, uh, what are youdoing out here?

You ever hear the old saying

does a bear...

blank... in the woods?

You're Catholic?

Oh, I've seenthat commercial.

Okay, quick,Emma's throwing.

Tell me all aboutthis incident.

Well, well, well,

everyone wants to hear about my incident.

Yeah, yeah,just tell me.

Maybe a man needs to have some secrets.

Ever think of--

No secrets.What happened?

All right, I'll tell you.

It was a night much like tonight...

...a friendly game of darts between friends,

or so I thought.

Yeah-ha-ha!

Whoa!

That's it?

You kicked a chair?

That's the incident

that kept you outof Darts League?

Haven't played that game in 30 years.

Maybe 15. Six?

When did they declassify Pluto?

That's not an incident.

That's you beinga sore loser.

No, it's not.

When I told Emma,

she said it was a big incident,

that I should never play again.

Did she, now?

Well, she just told me

she thinks you should come out of retirement.

Ooh, I don't know.

I've closed that door.

Old wounds take a long--

-I'll buy you a beer. -Let's do this!

You got any rope?No reason.

[snoring]

Brent! Wake up!

Gah! Hank?

Gah! Are you okay, buddy?

I wasn't...

until I talked to the bear with all the answers.

Did you talk to a bear,

or did youeat a bear?

I'd never eat Gavin.

Okay, you're scaring me.

This is over.I'm calling for help.

Uh-oh, dead battery.

That's what I get for watching all those Friends re-runs.

That Gunther should've got more screen time.

We have to find the pig holding the toaster.

How about we stay here

and wait for a monkeywith a map?

You're talking crazy.

Now, follow me. The moon is my monkey!

You can't leave me out here.

It's darker than Chandler's sense of humour.

Could I BEany more scared?

Oh, good, it's your turn.

Unfortunately, I...

dislocated my thumb while...

peeing.

Ew.

Also, how?

Story for another day.

Oscar is going to play for me.

What? I'm not playing with him.

Yeah, what about The Incident?

If Karen can switch players, I can switch players.

Fire away, Oscar.

Whoops, a little rusty.

Ow!

I'm going home.

Oscar is infor Davis.

[panting]

That stump didn't look likea pig holding a toaster.

More like a hogholding a crockpot.

This is the tree!

We're missing one key ingredient.

[wind blowing]

Okay, that's creepy/convenient.

Monkey moon.

Found it!

The can!

Ta-da--

Cigarettes?

Who would've thought it was cigarettes?

I said it was cigarettes.

I'd say, "in your face,"

but, you know,we're probably both

going to die out here,

so feels a little...

Ah, what the hell.In your face.

I was wrong.

And I'm a fraud.

We should've called for help when we had the chance.

Yeah, what does itmatter now?

Want one?

[coughing]

Hey, you guyscan't smoke here.

See?

We ALWAYS get caught.

We're saved!

You guys lost?

Okay, don't panic.

Breathe.

Relax.

Mother Nature...

will kill you if you're not careful.

Gavin?

Ho ho!

Goodbye, rust, hello, gloating.

Alriiight!

That's my champion!

-Let's see you match that. -Hmm.

Give me a tough one.

Trick shot!

Phil, pull!

[sighing]

Ha ha!

Ugh, gross, but okay, Phil, pull!

Ugh.

Ha!

I find it helps

if you keepyour eye on the target.

Isn't she your partner?

Still not a fan.

Dammit, Oscar, you got in my head

through this egg via my mouth.

We're tied!

Last shot, Oscar.

This one's for all the marbles.

[rustling]

Do you hear something in the ceiling?

Yeah, like raccoonsor a poltergeist.

Those are your two options?

Hey, what?

Ha ha ha!

You fools, I warned you that if--

Ow!

Ooh, that hurt.

Wanda? What the hell?

There's no darts league if there's no dart board.

Ha ha!

Away!

Ugh...

But did you have to rappel down?

Couldn't you have just run up

and taken it when the lights went out?

Run in the dark?

Are you nuts?

Could've broken my neck.

Away!

Ha...

Last call.

So, I'm confused.

Who's cleaningthe fridge,

you or Davis?

Since neither of us lost, we only have one choice.

You're cleaningit together?

Gross.

No, we're buying a new fridge.

[Hank]: You can stop worrying, everybody.

I got Brent out of the woods.

This is darts night?

Doesn't look safe.

It's not safe.

As league commissioner, I forbid this.

This isn'tleague activity.

Ha ha! This is meand Miss Priss

seeing who's best

at hittinga moving target.

Phil, pull!

Or push.

Not cool.

Why were you guys in the woods?

There wasan incident.

[sniffing]

Have you been smoking?

[♪♪♪]

♪ I don't know

♪ The same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know

♪ I just... don't know

♪ Ooh

♪ It's a great big place

♪ Ooh

♪ Full of nothin' but space

♪ Ooh

♪ And it's my happy place

♪ I don't know