Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Ten dollars!

Do I hear ten dollars for Phil?

Come on, people, it's a bachelor auction.

Let's go!

A ten-spot for Phil.

Phil your boots with Phil the Thrill.

Look at him Phil those pants!

Come on, I'm running out of Phil puns.

Fine.

Ten dollars.

Finally!

Sold to Karen Pelly for ten bucks.

You sweet on Phil, Karen?

No. This was the fastest way

to get him back behind the bar

to Phil my glass.

Hey!

I thought of another Phil pun!

Moving on.

Are you ready for your next hunk of man meat, ladies?

[cheering]

You're up, Brent.

Look sharp.

I feel like I'm wearing neck Spanx.

Come on...

I need this fundraiserto raise some funds,

so get out thereand shake your money-maker.

I'm not sure my maker was made to make money,

but I'll give it a twirl.

I'd prefer a shake,

or a twerk.

Good luck,

but so far I've brought in the most money.

Women love a man in uniform.

It's because the shirt and pants match.

The next bachelor in our auction

to raise money for Ike's burned-down barn

is a real barn-burner himself,

though not actually responsible for Ike's recent tragedy.

Brent Leroy!

[silence]

Do something sexy!

I thought I was.

But... okay.

[♪♪♪]

[crowd cheering]

Let's start the bidding at $20.

Do I hear 20?

[chuckling]

$500!

Phone bid.

Sold!

No takebacks, final sale,

to the mystery phone woman!

We assume it's a woman.

Probably a blind one.

Huh.

All this time,

I've been sitting onan actual money maker.

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby you're so wrong ♪

[♪♪♪]

Is that the money from the auction?

Good, because I need to pay for the lumber

for Ike's barn.

I thought you put iton your credit card.

I did.

I only put it on the card

to get the travel points.

But I need to pay it off right away.

I can't be paying interest on a $5,000 balance.

Oh...

So the fact that we onlyraised $2,000

is not good news?

What?

How did we raise less than half?

You said a bachelor auction would bring in a fortune.

And you said you could getChris Hemsworth as a bachelor.

I said I could get Chris Hadfield.

And I did.

[voice muffled]

What?

I said, my good looks are out of this world.

At any rate,

I seem to have left my wallet out in my spaceship.

[door squeaks, tires peel away]

Aw, thanks a lot, Emma.

Now I'm in debt.

I'll pay for his coffee.

I mean the lumber.

Maybe you should have waited

till we knew what kind of money we'd raise

before putting it all on your credit card.

It was double points day!

And I was trying to be nice.

I was tryingto be nice too!

Well, aren't we both just really nice?

The nicest!

Hey.

Watch where you're pointing that thing.

Based on current interest in this thing,

you owe me 50 bucks.

Brent's love life

is none of your damnbusiness, Davis!

Come on, tell us who bid on you.

I dunno yet.

I got an invite card,

and I'm meeting my mystery date

for dinner in the city tonight.

Mystery date!

I wonder who it is...

Oh, Brent,

please introduce me,

a sexy internationalsupermodel,

to your friend Davis.

I love the wayhis shirt and pants match.

Hmm...

Oh, Brent,

Wanda was right, as usual.

She should get a raise.

Hmm.

Oh, Brent, Karen hassuch a limited imagination.

Did my own brain just burn me?

This mystery womanmight be dangerous.

Want a police escort?

Nice try.

Besides, don't you have a date tonight?

Who's a hard 70?

Yup. Headingto Helen's now.

Need to pick her upa few things first.

Eggs, milk,

four litres of baby oil...

What the hell kind of cake is she making?

Did Helen just bid on you so you would do her shopping?

No...

She wants him tomake siren noises

when he puts awaythe groceries.

[♪♪♪]

What were you thinking, Emma?

Women buying menlike they're pieces of meat.

It's sexist!

How's my sandwich coming?

I just wanted to help Ike get money

to rebuild his barn.

I try to do something nice for someone,

and I get my head ripped off.

Nice is for ninnies.

Would it kill you to dosomething nice for me

once in a while?

Oh, you'd like it to kill me,

wouldn't ya?

-[exasperated sigh] -Where you going?

I'm going to have a nice time somewhere

with someone nice.

Who's going to cut my sandwich?

Hey, Hank.

How come you weren't at the bachelor auction

last night?

Yeah, with you in the mix,

we could've raised $2,000

and 40 cents.

Oh, uh, I had my own fundraiser for Ike.

A silent auction.

I never heard about it.

That's why it's calleda silent auction.

How much money did you raise?

500 bucks.

Hey, that's great!

Give it to me,

and I'll add it to the lumber debt.

No way.

This isn't forrebuilding Ike's barn.

It's for paying a witchto lift the curse off him.

Hmm, and here I thought

there was nothing left in this town

that could surprise me.

I have a couple questions,

number one,

what the hell are you talking about?

Ike's had a run of bad luck that just can't be explained.

He was walking and texting,

and unexplainably tripped on a stump.

He also dropped the can of gasoline he was carrying

into a pile of burning leaves beside the barn.

Shortly after that,

the barn mysteriously burned down.

Okay, question number two,

what the hell are you talking about?

He's obviously cursed,

so I need a quality witchto get rid of Ike's juju.

There are no witches in Dog River.

How do you know?

Because I am one,

and no one else comes to the meetings.

Hmm...

I mean, you do havestringy hair,

and you arekind of pale.

What?

It's true, Hank.

Lacey comes from a long line of witches.

You see,

dissolve to...

Lacey is a descendant from the Puritan minister

George Burroughs.

He was made famous during the Salem witch trials.

He borrowed some money and never paid it back,

which made the villagers angry.

They accused George of being a priest of the devil,

and he was executed on August 19, 1692.

[angry mob shouting]

His family changed the spelling of their last name to...

...Burrows with a "W".

As in Lacey Burrows.

Whoa.

Is that true?

She's a sorceress!

How else does she always have ripe avocados?

Is 500 bucks enoughto lift the curse?

Um...

You gotta do this.

It's a better causethan the magical guacamole.

Okay, fine.

I'll lift the hex.

But keep it on the DL.

Great! Meet meat Ike's farm.

I don't needto tell you when.

Your witchy wayswill know.

This'll help put a dentin the debt.

Thanks for making upthat story, Wanda.

It's totally true.

George Burroughs was a real person.

Google it.

And you could be a direct descendant.

Wait, you believein witches?

Nope. I just like to argue

the impossible side of an issue sometimes.

Like when I told you

that travel points credit card

was a good idea.

Exactly.

Wait, you what?

Dammit!

It's going to pay off!

[♪♪♪]

I'll assume she's gluten intolerant.

Mom?

What have I told you about coming on my dates?

It always makes it clunky.

Extra clunky this time.

I am your mystery date.

What?

So you phoned yourself

and bid on your own son?

Are we on Dateline?

I was worriedno one would bid on you.

I didn't want yourfeelings to get hurt,

so I started the bidding.

Well, you missed a few steps

between 20 and 500 bucks.

I got caught upin the frenzy.

You were the frenzy.

Well, this is disappointing.

Pretend I'm not your mother.

We're justtwo nice people

having a nice dinner

being nice.

I don't know.

Seems a little weird.

I'm buying.

Garcon?

[♪♪♪]

Wow,

you really know how to gather a crowd, Glinda.

Hank!

Why are all these people here?

I told you to keep it on the DL.

You did,

but I don't knowwhat that means.

Well, now I wish I'd worn a costume.

I have something in the car.

[crowd murmurs, impressed]

You have a wizard hatin your car?

It's just a traffic cone

with some star stickers on it.

What am Isupposed to do now?

I don't know any spells.

Make up gibberish and dance around.

If they believe the hex is gone,

it will be.

Power of suggestion.

Hey, there, Ike!

To the spirit that has cursed Ike.

I say to thee...

"Maka-laka-tucka rucka-nucka-bucka-lucka...

tucka-maka-rucka-lucka nucka-bucka-rucka."

Isn't that the Macarena?

Legally, it's different enough.

Begone!

[crowd gasps]

Did it work?

Don't feel any different.

Try to trip on a stump again.

I'm not going to trip over a stump

if I can see it.

It worked!

Lacey is a witch!

[crowd gasps]

[murmuring]

Well, this could go one of two ways.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Aw,

even with Hank's500 witch bucks,

I still won't be ableto pay off this credit card

right away.

So? Carry a balance for a couple of months.

It's not like your card has a 21% interest rate.

Oh, wait.

This is your fault!

But I will not letthe system beat me.

How many points have you earned so far?

I'm a quarter of the way to a free flight

to Branson, Missouri.

Provided I get myself to Detroit,

the City of Departure,

and I don't check a bag.

Yup.

You really got 'em by the nards.

Hey, Lacey.

My cat won't stop meowing.

Oh, how sad.

Is that sad?

Yeah,

so could you cast a spell and make it stop?

Bu...

I don't really think--

That you could afford her services.

How much does it cost?

Ooh, that's steep,

but reasonable.

There's nothing reasonableabout any of this.

I'll getmy wizard cone.

[♪♪♪]

So, you met the mystery woman?

Yup.

How was the date?

Very nice.

So... do you love her now?

I don't not love her.

So you do love her!

You could say I have feelings for her.

Are you going tosee her again?

Don't know how I can avoid that.

You sound obsessed.

You should call her right now.

Nah, I'm good.

[Oscar laughs derisively]

Some woman is finally interested

in the likes of you?

Call her now

before she regains her sanity.

Okay, fine.

I'll call her.

Callingthe day after a date

seems desperate.

Text her.

That saysyou're interested,

but not enoughto hear her voice.

When did you become a dating expert?

Those who can't do,due to lack of options,

teach.

[text message whoosh]

Second date confirmed.

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

Oh, okay.

Emma cancelled movie night.

She's going to Helen's to play cards.

Emma may be tryingto ghost you.

How did you know what movie we were going to watch?

[♪♪♪]

I have to find out

who Brent's secret lady is.

Why's this such a craw stuck in your... jaw,

or whatever that saying is.

I should've been the one who brought in 500 bucks.

I'm the only rugged, square-jawed,

single man in town.

This is fishy.

There's only one thing for me to do.

Go to Helen's and put away her groceries?

There's two things for me to do.

Actually, three.

[squirting]

[humming merrily]

[sighs]

[♪♪♪]

[cat yowling]

[chanting]

[cat purring]

[♪♪♪]

[chanting and singing]

[♪♪♪]

[barks] Whoo! Whoo!

[♪♪♪]

Ah!

I am only 200 bucks awayfrom paying off this card.

Who knew everyone in townwould be so into my witchy ways?

They're scared of you.

[gasps]

[gasping in fear]

Hmm...

Remember,

anything less than a 20% tip

angers the spirit world.

[murmuring anxiously] Oh!

Yeah, of course...

I've got something here...

You know,it's really lovely

spending someone-on-one time with you.

I'm glad Dad pressured me into asking you out

on a second date,

and I already regret that wording.

Let's keepour little tryst

a secret.

"Tryst" is even worse wording.

How about "rendezvous"?

How about we change the subject?

Can we get some tiramisu?

[knocking]

Where's Emma?

I'm making coffee

and can't find the chocolate pudding.

No idea.

She's not here.

She said you'd be playing cards.

[Davis imitating police siren] Wee-oo! Wee-oo!

[chuckles] Who you got in there?

Go home, Oscar!

But I need pudding for my coffee!

[sighs]

Wee-oo! Wee-oo!

Sure looks likethirsty work, Davis.

How about you take off your shirt

and have some lemonade?

No time.

Gotta find a mystery woman.

[door opens and closes]

[sadly] I'm right here.

[♪♪♪]

[humming happily]

[gasps]

Hello, wife of mine.

Why are you sittingin the dark?

Is the clapper broken?

No, it's called drama. Ever heard of it?

I want to know where you've been

and what you've been doing.

I was out with Brent.

Hogwater!

I happen to know Brent was on a date

with his mystery woman.

I can believeyou're this stupid,

but I can't believeyou'd call me a liar.

I'm sorry.

I, uh, I trust you completely.

Emma's having an affair!

Follow her

and find out who it's with.

Seriously, this is not what the police are for.

Mind you, what else am I doing these days?

Any idea who it is?

That's your job, jackass!

But I'll tell you what.

He may look like Brad Clooney

and smell like Ricardo Mintybalm,

but he doesn't have the one thing

Emma married me for!

My personality!

Now, get sleuthing, Nancy Drew!

[♪♪♪]

Back from a delightfulsecond free meal

with my mystery woman.

Hey, how comeyou're the only one

not chomping at the bit

to knowwho my mystery woman is?

You want me to imagine you in an amorous liaison?

Okay, gross, I just did,

and it's "champing at the bit,"

not "chomping at the bit--"

Oh great, just imagined you with a bit in your mouth.

Hey, why are yougoing around telling people

Lacey's a witch?

You don't believein that hocus-pocus.

I was just proving

I could argue any side of an issue.

Lacey's not lifting curses.

She's using the power of suggestion.

She waves her hands, chants some mumbo-jumbo--

I thought it was"Hocus pocus."

--and those suckers believe it's witchcraft

and fork over the cash.

Oh, uh...

[in spooky tones] you did not hear

what I just said...

Uh, yeah.

I did.

[mob chanting] She's not a witch!

She's not a witch!

She's not a witch!

Yes, I am!

I am totally a witch!

Yup,

this was definitely one of two ways

I saw this going.

[mob chanting] She's not a witch!

She's not a witch! She's not a witch!

If I'm not a witch,

how do you explain my black hair

and this broom?

Genetics,

and Home Depot!

[crowd murmuring in agreement]

All right, make way

for the town'smost expensive tush.

Look, why don't you drop the charade

and come clean?

Can't.

I'm still carrying a balanceon my credit card.

I just need to pulla couple more tricks.

You should probably call them "spells."

Back me upagain, Wanda.

They'll believe you.

Too late.

I already argued

the other side of the issue,

and based on the level of anger in this mob,

I did a damn fine job.

Up top!

We want our money back!

[mob chanting] Mon-ey back! Mon-ey back!

Oh, fine!

Take it!

This is all your fault.

Curse you, Wanda!

Curse you!

Nope, not a witch.

Power of suggestion.

I'm confused.

Do you believe inthis hinkus-dinkus or not?

Yes, 12 long-stem roses to Corner Gas,

and sign the card,

"Love, your Mystery Woman."

Who are youwhispering to?

No one.

Just Mable.

I mean Mavis.

Avis!

I was renting a car.

Gotta go.

What's your rush,my sweet?

I made youa cup of coffee.

That's very nice of you.

Is there pudding in this?

There's alsoa hot bubble bath

waiting for you.

Oh, Oscar.

That sounds perfect.

Dog River Flower Shop.

Where can we deliver your love and-or condolences?

Straight to hell, jackass!

Emma sent flowers

to some juiced-up Valentino.

Can't you arrest her or something?

Are you serious?

Dog River has a flower shop?

Sorry, I can't tell you

where your wife sent those flowers.

Can we at leastlook at the order form?

Is this something you should really be spending

your police hours on?

Not at all.

Hand over the form.

"Tryst or rendezvous, I'll always have you.

Love, your mystery woman."

Is that some kind of French limerick?

Karen!

What are you doing here?

Oscar thinks Emma'shaving an affair.

Wants to know whoshe sent flowers to.

Someone just sent Brent flowers,

and I need to find out who.

Everybody's getting flowers.

This dump must make a killing.

Let me get this straight.

You want to knowwho Emma sent flowers to,

and you want to knowwho Brent got flowers from...

Enough with your riddles.

Just give us the information,

and how did I not know

Dog River had a flower shop,

because these snapdragons look hella fresh.

[♪♪♪]

We're having a sale on pitchforks

if you want to join the angry mob.

Nah, I'm good.

I'm here to see how it's going now that you're cursed.

[scoffs] Come on...

Lacey has no powers.

Ow! My soda!

Ah! My crossword!

Oh! My pencil!

Ah! My head!

[chuckles]

Yeah, you're not cursed at all.

Easy now, Davis.

Keep your distance.

Don't let him see you.

[♪♪♪]

What are youdoing here?

I was following Brent.

I was following Emma.

Looks like they're bothheading to the city

for their dates.

I get it.

Carpooling.

Good for the environment.

Guess I'll see you there.

Or... we couldcarpool too.

Sheesh...

Monkey see, monkey do.

I will not let the system beat me.

If I make minimum payments every month,

the balance will be paid off in...

Well, I'm sure apes will be ruling the world by then,

and none of this will matter.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

It stings! It stings!

[crow cawing]

What happened to you?

Suffice to say,

I've had a wee stringof unfortunate events

in a short span of time

that are merely a coincidence.

But, um...

since you asked,

how's aboutyou lift that hex?

Hmm, thought you didn't believe in curses.

I don't.

I believe in the power of suggestion,

and I suggest you remove this suggestion.

Oh, sure, I can do that...

For a fee.

Oof! Mama...

Do you takemonthly installments?

This is the last one of these whachamacallits

we can do.

Agreed.

"Whachamacallits"?

That's what you want to call this?

It's the only word that doesn't make me dry heave.

No offense.

I don't get it.

Why are Brent and Emmain this restaurant together?

I see what's going on here.

Brent's going tointroduce his mother

to his mystery woman.

Must be getting serious.

And somehow you are the one with seniority.

Get in the car.

I'll explain it on the way home.

Okay, then drop meat Helen's.

[♪♪♪]

We had the entire force on this non-case,

and the results are in,

and it is now clear

that Emma is...

not having an affair.

Hot damn!

My wife's not cheating!

Now I can stop pretending to be nice to her.

Don't you want to knowwhat she was doing?

Because I totally getwhat happened now.

Karen showed me using dolls.

No, if she's not having an affair,

I don't care what she does.

Hey, uh,

what happened with your mystery woman?

It turns out she was married.

To a real nutjob, too.

Hmm.

[♪♪♪]

♪ I don't know

♪ The same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know

♪ I just... don't know

♪ Ooh

♪ It's a great big place

♪ Ooh

♪ Full of nothin' but space

♪ Ooh

♪ And it's my happy place

♪ I don't know