Original subtitles

[signal bell dings]

Fill 'er up?

What am I, the king of England?

Gimme the usual.

Eight bucks it is.

Scrap wood, rope, cable...

You building a circus?

Where are your elephants?

Laugh it up, chuckles.

I'm using that stuff for something very--

I'll stop you right there.

I don't wanna know.

Remember what happened last time I got involved

in one of your projects?

[weeping]

Now we must say goodbye

to a good man.

All because of a senseless act

by two immature hooligans.

[mourners weeping]

Wonder what happened to that guy?

Yeah, and who are those hooligans

he's talking about?

Anyway, help me lift this thing.

[cracking] Ow, my back!

My bottled water business would have made a killing

if your back hadn't gone out.

Yeah, my slipped disc was the reason

people didn't drink your dirty creek water.

I'm done riding shotgun in your crazy schemes.

Count me out.

[chuckling] Whoa, slow your roll.

"Slow my roll"?

Nobody's counting you in.

Lacey's helping me.

Lacey? Really?

She's been very supportive.

Well... good.

You two have fun.

There we go.

Eight bucks.

Heh, I'm a little strapped.

Uh, how about I trade you

for a flat of Hank's Prairie Creek Water?

I thought you were calling it "Prairier."

Geez, you'd think the sludge would have settled by now.

Oh, hey, little fella.

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby you're so wrong ♪

[♪♪♪]

I've been thinking about pockets.

[groans] Of course you have.

Are they just tiny purses for men?

Or are purses

giant pockets for ladies?

What the hell is this?

It's called a conversation.

Sorry!

No, this.

What's with all the junk?

It's not junk.

This is a perfectly legitimate trading system.

People leave stuff they no longer want

on Main Street,

and it gets picked up by others.

It's like those online trading sites.

Without all the bad grammar and smut.

And murders.

You can't just dump your crap

on the side of the road,

and think some idiot will want it

because it says "free."

Cool, free horse lamp!

Here, put this in your giant lady pocket.

Who said it was giant?

What's that thing?

One of those robot vacuums.

Can you believe somebody left it on the street for free?

Oh, sure,

you're allowed to bring home garbage.

When I do it, it's "unsanitary."

A dead raccoon is not garbage.

I'm reminded of that whenever I check the time.

This is useful.

[beeping robotic warble]

We don't need

no robot cleaner in the house.

The Jetsons had one,

and look what happened to them.

What happened to The Jetsons?

Exactly.

Used to be on Saturday mornings, 10:00 a.m.,

and then boom,

nobody's seen them in 40 years.

And here I thought

you were going to say something stupid.

The vacuum stays.

[robotic beeping]

[♪♪♪]

So, what's this big secret project

you guys are working on?

Why do you want to know?

So you can make fun of me some more?

No.

I mean, it's probably gonna happen.

Hank has a great idea for a town attraction,

and I'm helping him realize it.

What is it?

Haunted Corn Maze?

Raw poultry eating contest?

Senior citizen cage wrestling?

Ooh, that last one has potential.

If you're done making jokes,

some of us have work to do.

Fine, but don't come crawling to me

when whatever he's got you mixed up in

literally blows up in your face.

Literally.

Kablooey.

Like Daffy Duck's beak on the side of his head,

kind of literally.

Are you sure you know what "literally" means?

[humming contentedly]

Do me a favour.

Go see what Hank and Lacey are up to.

Can't. Busy.

That seems out of character.

Doing what?

Giving the calculator a little upgrade.

Now it's voice-activated.

Calculator, what's two plus two?

[serene female voice]: Four.

Thank you!

What? The button-pushing is the funnest part.

"Funnest" isn't a word.

Neither is "boobless,"

but you can write it on a calculator.

Why don't you put that big brain of yours

to good use,

like finding out what Hank and Lacey are up to.

Why do you care what they're doing?

I don't care.

Could care less.

If you could care less, that means you do care.

Yeah, well...

You see? Grammar is is a total brain-waste.

[♪♪♪]

[beeping]

Ah! Back off, Star Wars!

Human coming through.

[beeping]

[chuckles]

I guess you're kind of cute.

You like crumbs, eh?

[chuckling fondly]

[beeping]

Aw, he's hungry!

Let's see what else we got around here for you.

[cupboard door squeaks]

You like zoodles?

So, people leave their stuff,

and it gets picked up by someone else.

It's a victimless crime.

It's the principle of the thing.

It makes the town look bad.

Whoa...

A cowboy lamp!

Fingers crossed for a wagon lamp.

Who wants a microwave without a door?

Just take it to the dump.

Dump fees are expensive.

Plus it's way out of town.

Ugh, I'm getting tired just talking about it.

What are you doing?

[chuckling] Playin' fetch.

How is that fetch?

You're just throwing stuff in its path.

[beeping]

Dusty loves Cheezies.

Hates Smarties, though.

They go through him like a hot shot of coffee.

Dusty?

Dusty Buster.

That's his name.

This carpet's dirtier than before.

No wonder he was left in the street.

Hey, robot!

There's dirt over here.

[beeping]

Aw...

He hates you.

[♪♪♪]

I didn't want to say this before,

but you really shouldn't be pallin' around with Lacey.

She's cagey.

Cagey how?

Always pays with exact change.

Uses hand sanitizer before washing her hands.

You know she puts up her Christmas decorations

November 1st, right?

That's a window into madness.

Oh. You're just jealous 'cause I got a great idea,

and I'm not sharing it with you.

I don't want to be involved.

I just want to know what it is.

No dice.

And stop paying me with pond water!

Well...

are you gonna ring me up,

or stand there yapping all day?

Geez, who pooped in your zoodles?

I'm just grumpy because I found--

uh, spent money

on a perfectly good robotic vacuum

that's a piece of junk.

I could take a look at it for you.

I, uh, know a thing or two about electronics.

Yeah, I've been meaning to talk to you about that.

What's seven times six?

[serene female voice]: Fatty-two.

See? "Fatty-two"!

You did that on purpose.

Don't be ridiculous.

Really? What's 13 times two?

Tubby-six...

I didn't make it do that.

Did you make it do that?

[chuckling] Yeah, I made it do that.

I love electronics.

Robotics.

Any "ics," really.

I always wanted to compete on that Robot Wars show.

[saws buzzing, electric guitars soloing]

Hey, Chrome-hole, come get some!

Turns out they don't let humans compete.

But I can fix your vacuum.

This stuff's not junk, it's all usable.

Really?

Legless chair?

It's a floor seat.

Very Japanese.

Dump it or keep it.

No more Main Street Free-For-All.

[gasps] Jackpot!

[rings bell]

Time to find out what you're up to.

Lookie what I found.

Oh, that will work perfectly!

Pretty cool zip-line, eh, Hank?

Yeah, it's... all right.

[Brent]: Are you kidding me?

I thought it'd be something insane,

like a cow cannon or a Hank-apault,

but this?

You kept me in the dark

so you could build

the world's lamest zip-line?

It's not lame.

Come on, it's barely ten feet across,

and it's not nearly high enough.

Look at that poor kid.

This does kinda suck.

We're in the middle of the prairies.

It's not like there's mountains to zip.

You've lived here your whole life,

you never noticed the hundred-foot grain elevator?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, now, that's not exactly safe.

Aw, man,

I didn't even think about the elevator!

Brent's right.

We need to ramp it up.

Go big or go home!

So you're going home?

No, I'm going big.

But first I have to go home

and get some stuff.

Then I'm going big!

Ah, don't take it too hard, Lacey.

This is your first try at being Hank's pal,

but I know how his mind works.

I know how his mind works too.

Which is why

I was purposely

keeping him away from the elevator,

because I knew he'd go up there

and kill himself.

Oh, yeah.

Uh, that is how his mind works.

Uh-oh.

[♪♪♪]

Allow me to introduce the new, the improved,

Suck-Bot 2.0.

Wow...

He looks totally different.

Like when Emma got that stupid perm.

You said I looked like Bernadette Peters!

State-of-the-art monitoring system,

duel intake suction...

he's even voice-activated.

Suck-Bot,

vacuum the living room.

[robotic male voice]: My pleasure, Mrs. Leroy.

[laser buzzing]

That is impressive.

And I installed satellite radio

so you can get the news while he cleans.

It's being reported

that afternoon TV funny-man Steve Harvey

got the sleeve of his zoot suit caught in an escalator.

How is that news?

How come he doesn't "beep-boop" anymore?

Who cares?

Look how he gets in the corners.

Dusty...

Here, boy!

Ah, he only responds to "Suck-Bot,"

and you know you want to say it.

[♪♪♪]

That angle is way too steep.

Eyes off!

You've already ruined one zip-line.

You're not getting your kid gloves on this one.

At least use a safety cord.

[scoffs] We don't need a stupid safety cord.

Now, three loop-de-loops

seems a bit... pedestrian.

What say we ramp 'er up to 37?

38.

Odd numbers are unlucky.

[grunts]

Are you crazy?

Are you trying to get him killed?

Relax.

Everything is 100% safe.

How many alligators you think we can fit

into a six-foot tank?

Four, max.

Where's he gonna get alligators?

[scraping]

Where you going with that--

Ooh... is that a Frostenvaas?

Thanks to your partner,

we have to take it... to the dump.

The dump, huh?

That's a hell of a push.

Looks like a decent fridge, though.

I know!

All she needs is a door hinge, a new motor and coolant system,

and she'd be good as new.

Instead,

we have to shell out 20 bucks in dump fees.

[grumbles]

20 bucks, hey?

[chuckling in satisfaction]

Five, ten...

What's this?

I know!

A Frostenvaas.

You know anything about Dutch coolant systems?

You're turning the police station

into a garbage dump.

You're the one who shut down the trading system

on Main Street.

Selfish.

I told people

they could ditch their stuff here

for half price,

so we get that money, plus all the goods.

What are we going to do with a...

Actually, this is a pretty sweet bean bag chair.

Oh, my god, Karen...

Wagon lamp!

Emma!

Oh, hello, Sucky.

Still hard at work, I see.

[robotic male voice] I aim to clean.

You want a treat, huh?

Ooh, lint. [chuckles]

You like lint, right?

Huh, still hungry?

Uh, let's see what--

Ow!

Ow!

What are you-- Ow!

I don't see a problem.

Oh, sure, he's fine now.

Ten minutes ago, he was lunchin' on my loafers.

What's going on?

Wanda's robot tried to kill me.

Okay, but look how clean the carpet is.

Turn him back the way he was.

Less kill-y.

More... nibble-y.

This version actually works.

If it randomly attacks you,

that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

Perhaps I need to dial 'er back a scootch.

Now, was that a left turn, or...

pretty sure it was right.

There we go.

Happy happy?

Great.

I see by the nightmare on the wall...

it's time for me to go.

Enjoy the sucking.

This scale model will show us

exactly how the zip-trip's gonna go down.

This little guy,

our thrill-seeking hero,

ziplines from the top of the elevator here,

down to Corner Gas,

buys a bag of chips, everyone loves him,

best day of his life.

But it gets better.

For a dramatic flair

we could light the cable on fire, like so...

[yelping]

Okay... [coughing]

Minor hiccup.

[coughing]

Now we know how much kerosene is too much kerosene.

We should probably eliminate kerosene

and/or flames from the equation altogether.

[groans] Fine! No fire.

Might overshadow the crocodile pit.

Also a bad idea.

Snake pit?

Just forget the pits.

This is exactly what happened with Lacey.

I give in and give in,

until I'm left with the world's lamest zip-line!

It can still be cool.

We just have to make sure nobody dies

in an angry ball of snake fire.

That happened over a minute ago,

and you're still harping on it?

You know what? I'm out!

I'm done taming down my genius

to please other people!

To quote Evel Knievel, "Watch this!"

And to also quote Evel Knievel,

"Hey, look, I've broken every bone in my body 20 times!"

[♪♪♪]

Okay, this ends now.

All right, half day!

No, I mean all this.

How are people supposed to take our police force seriously

when the office looks like an episode of Hoarders?

An early episode!

Before it got all Hollywood.

It's not all junk.

These headphones are like new.

The turntable's not even spinning.

Oh yeah, that's broken.

Take this stuff to the dump where it belongs.

Except maybe this lava lamp...

and these beer steins.

It was nice while it lasted, fellas.

This is gonna cost a fortune in dump fees.

There may be another way...

What charity are we supporting?

H.A.

Hells Angels need money?

Hoarders Anonymous.

[chuckles]

I used to have a western lamp set

just like this.

Didn't think it was worth five bucks.

A lamp set this nice?

Worth 30, easy.

I'll take it.

[rustling]

You hear that?

Is that New Dusty?

Of course not.

He's sound asleep in his charging thing.

Uh-oh.

[distant whirring]

[robotic voice]: I aim to clean.

He's hungry.

Give him some lint.

Oh, for cryin' out--

Here.

Now, leave us alone!

[laser buzzing]

[banging on door]

Help me, woman!

[banging stops]

Are you sure--

[whispering] Quiet!

You be quiet.

Okay, you go that way.

I'm not going that way. You go that way.

[robotic voice]: Refuse. Remove.

Source of refuse.

Destroy.

-[screaming] -Gotcha!

[grunting] Yeah...

What have you got to say for yourself now, robot?

Tom Cruise was seen walking his new puppy

outside a Hollywood yogurt shop.

How is that news?

[♪♪♪]

Have you seen Hank recently?

I'm worried.

What if he's at the bottom of some valley

with a broken neck?

Or stranded 50 feet in the air?

Holding a "Yikes" sign?

Look, Hank has the attention span

of a drunk trout.

I'm sure he's moved on to whatever's next on his--

Ooh!

What's this?

Hey, people of Earth!

Ta-da!

He built all this in one afternoon?

It's amazing what you can accomplish

when you throw safety out the window.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Hank!

Don't jump!

What?

I can't hear you!

You will die!

I know you love pie!

Stay focussed!

Okay, here I go!

But don't worry.

I took all the precautions.

Even got a safety line.

Whatever you do, don't jump!

I can't hear you!

I'll just jump down there

so we can have this conversation in person!

[rings bicycle bell]

Guantanamo!

No!

[screams]

Now I'm caught on your stupid safety cord!

It looks like he's caught up

on your stupid safety cord.

He was supposed to attach it to the wire,

not the building.

I guess you'd better go help him.

Or I could go.

Are you sure we have to do this?

He's not the same appliance he once was.

He's gone viral.

No, he's my vacuum.

I'll do it.

[tearfully] Goodbye, Dusty.

I hope the floors of heaven are thick with angel dust.

[sparking]

Hmm, does this TV work?

With some rabbit ears and a little side-slappin',

you get three whole channels.

I don't care about the channels.

I need something for gaming.

How much for the beanbag chair?

How did that get out here?

Fitzy said we had to get rid of everything.

Five bucks.

Sold!

What?

No, I'll give you 10.

20.

Well, perhaps Michelle would like to know

why you really missed your anniversary.

Remind me,

were you saving a bus full of orphans?

Or were you locked in the drunk tank

for picking a fight

with a bus full of orphans?

You can have it.

Stupid orphans.

I'll give you a hard-knock life.

Gotta get this baby home

before one of these vultures makes off with it.

Come on...

[grunting]

Get in there!

Oh, hello.

We've got sad news.

Can we come in?

Uh... kind of a bad time.

Why don't you just send a lengthy text?

[robotic beeping]

What was that?

Nothing.

My dishwasher.

It makes an adorable sound when it's finished.

Be right there... Sudsy!

Bullhorn!

I'd know that bleep-bloop anywhere.

[robotic warble]

Dusty!

You're alive!

[crying with joy]

Come here, boy...

Hey!

[laughing]

Hungry as ever.

What are you trying to pull, Missy?

All right, you deserve the truth.

The thing is...

you're both hallucinating right now.

Aliens have abducted you and planted false memories--

The truth.

All right, I kept him for myself.

He's just so cute,

I couldn't let him go.

So I built a new one and passed him off as Dusty.

That monstrosity of yours tried to kill us!

We had to drown him in the river.

We're taking Dusty home.

No! Please! He loves it here.

You can have my kid.

I suppose we could share.

I've had him for eight years.

I've done all I can.

I meant the vacuum.

Oh.

Just give us one more night together.

You just spent two days with him!

I know, but I want more than two days--

[all arguing and talking at once]

[beeping warble]

What's going on?

Oh, Brent's just trying to save Hank

from falling to his death.

Falling?

I always imagined Hank would die

by steamroller.

Whoa-kay...

Wow, this is...

Boy, you're really up here.

[chuckles] Yeah, people look like ants.

And you can't see the ants at all.

Okay, don't worry, buddy.

I'll have you back to safety

in a jiff.

Then I can kill you for making me do this.

There!

[panting]

I thought you were a goner.

[chuckles] Yeah,

that safety line was a stupid idea.

Thanks, buddy.

Here I go!

Whoo!

No!

[crowd gasps] Oh no!

Hank is gonna die!

See if we can get a selfie

with his point of impact in the background.

Oh, wait, there's Karen!

With a beanbag chair on her roof,

for some incredibly serendipitous reason.

♪ Bean-bag-a-loo-la

♪ She's my bean bag

♪ Bean-bag-a-loo-la--

What the hell! [brakes screech]

[beeping warble]

Aw...

Whoo!

[crowd gasps]

Ha!

You all thought I was gonna die!

But I'm totally fine.

[crowd sighs in disappointment]

Oh, my god, that was amazing.

Told ya, safety's my middle name.

Wow, he made it.

Huh, I guess he did think this through.

[rope snaps]

Or not.

Hey!

[whoosh]

[glass shatters, diners scream]

My middle name is actually Henry.

Helloo!

Little help up here!

Geez, he really loves pie.

Actually, he's saying he's fine,

and he wants us to go get a drink.

[♪♪♪]

I miss Dusty so much.

Wanda's out looking for him now.

I wonder what he's doing.

[♪♪♪]

[bubbling]

[laser buzzing]

[robotic voice]: Destroy.

Hey, Chrome-hole!

Come get some.

[sparks hiss]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

♪ I don't know

♪ The same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know

♪ I just... don't know

♪ Ooh

♪ It's a great big place

♪ Ooh

♪ Full of nothin' but space

♪ Ooh

♪ And it's my happy place