Original subtitles

Whaddya guys think?

Eh, you're more of a white frames guy.

But the other day,

you said only barf bags wore white frames.

And here we are.

Well, tomorrow's the longest day of the year,

and the forecast is hot 'n' sunny.

Ah, the summer solstice.

In England, travelers watch the sun rise at Stonehenge.

In New York, they do yoga in Times Square.

And in Dog River,

we sit on a deck in a gas station parking lot.

That's where I'll be all day,

sipping sweet soda and soaking up some solar...

daylight.

"Daylight"? "Sunlight" was right there.

I'll be there too,

hammering out a 2,000-word article

for a human psychology blog.

That also sounds like fun.

I know!

Plus, they're paying me 200 bucks

if I submit it by end of day tomorrow.

Well, good luck getting a table, you guys.

This solstice deck party gets wilder every year.

[♪♪♪]

Who ordered the...?

Come to papa.

I may be misremembering that.

The point is, it's getting rather popular.

Which is why I plan on sleeping there tonight

so I'm the first in line in the morning.

[chuckling]

Genius.

[rooster crows]

Huh? Wha?

Morning, genius.

No!

Who ordered the generic off-brand cola?

Come to papa.

♪ You think there's not a lot going on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby

♪ You're so wrong

I can't believe

everyone woke up so early to beat me.

It's 11:30.

Lacey, how about finding a seat

for your favourite customer?

Sorry, I'm not seating anybody.

This year, it's every person for themselves,

no rules.

You're looking lovely today.

You're not getting my table.

I purposely picked this spot to work on my paper.

I'm going to observe and record

how crowds incrementally descend into chaos

in a high-density space.

Hey, you made me spill my iced tea.

Well, keep your foot under your table.

How'd you like my foot in your face?

Oh, don't mind me.

You were about to kick him the face?

Oh, my god!

Momsicles!

My favourite summertime treat!

Thanks, Mom.

Aw.

Just seeing that smile on my widdow oobi-woobi's face

is all the thanks I need.

He's 40 years old.

Talk right to the boy.

You're just mad 'cause you're not allowed to have any.

The doctor told him

his fasting glucose numbers are high.

That doctor's high!

Fatty gooptose.

What the hell does that mean?

It means sugar doesn't like you.

Most things don't like you, so why should sugar?

Enjoy your Momsicles, sweetie.

Let's go, sourpuss.

Mm, it's too bad

you can't get on board

this frosty flavour train, Dad.

I ran over your bike when you were six.

[Karen]: Caution tape, breathalyzer, handcuffs...

what other stuff

would kids be interested in?

Kids only want to see guns.

We should postpone this school visit

until I get my gun back from the repair shop.

You're the one who wrecked it.

It just got a little juice on it.

You dropped it in a pitcher of juice.

How does that happen?

The juice needed stirring.

I didn't have a spoon.

You know, for a cop, you ask a lot of questions.

Sorry for the wait, Rheena.

It's crazy out here.

I'll have a cheeseburger, poutine,

and a chocolate shake.

Sorry, a cheeseburger, poutine, and a shake?

I mean, I'm just here to observe,

but is someone eating their feelings?

I'll just have a house salad and a tomato juice.

Wanda!

I know, obvious guilt compensation.

Uh, Hank, what are you doing?

Just a coffee, please.

Just nothing.

You have to order a full meal if you're sitting on the deck.

But I don't have any money.

Nor do you have a table.

Or a chair.

You can't just overturn one of my flower pots.

Beat it, Barf Bag.

Ouch, can't believe how quick that caught on.

Now, if Kenny was a grownup, and had been drinking alcohol,

this machine would make a... -[beeping]

What the hell?

How old are you?

[coughing]

Cough syrup.

Somebody make sure Kenny doesn't bike home today.

I'm fine!

Next up, Sergeant Quinton

is going to show you some other cool stuff.

[kids cheering]

Hey, kids!

You know how sometimes your parents speed

when they're late for your hockey practice

or your stupid dance class?

Well, this gun slows them down.

That's not a real gun.

Is too.

Except it doesn't shoot bullets.

It shoots... radars.

Officer Pelly has a real gun.

Where's yours?

[hiccupping]

You don't need a gun to be an officer.

Most of the time,

we defuse bad stuff by talking and reasoning.

That's what mommies do.

You're not a cop.

You're a mommy.

[laughter]

My mommy has a gun.

Should we be looking into Kenny's home situation?

[Emma]: Is that a dog in my azaleas?

Get your mangy mutt to do his business elsewhere.

My azaleas are starting to smell like crap.

I saw a coyote wandering around.

It was probably him.

Was he wearing springy boots and chasing a roadrunner?

I'll make my own frozen treats.

I don't need sugar.

Cream of celery.

No sugar in that.

Huh.

And no celery.

Ah, well.

Is there a problem?

No, no.

I just happened to notice

you've consumed 1.3 litres of coffee.

Is your imperative to maintain your territory

overriding your bladder's trigger to urinate?

She's right, Fitzy.

I see a bathroom in your future.

I can last all day.

[sniffing]

Aw, Fitzy.

You didn't last two minutes.

That's desperate.

That's not me!

Don't write that down!

Ho-ho!

Little Billy made a boom-boom.

[crowd groaning] -Go change him.

If I leave, I lose my table.

I'm going to change him right here,

right next to your poutine.

-No! -Please don't!

Maybe I can help.

Great.

The baby wipes are in the side pouch.

Oh, god, no.

No, I meant I'll save your seat for you.

Go change him,

and you can have it when you come back.

A trust bond.

But can it be established?

-Trust him! -I can't see! Trust him!

Can you watch my seat next?

You were right about the peeing.

What do we have here?

A Blueberry Tundra Twist Icy Pop?

Used to be my favourite until my mommy... Mom

started making her famous Momsicles.

Now these taste more like Pooberry Garbage Crap Twist.

Clever. Let me try one.

Oh, they're not for sale.

Mom made them just for me.

I'll give you five bucks.

Wow. That is generous, but I could never...

Ten bucks.

Sold.

I can't believe my money leapfrogged my love of food.

That's not who I am.

Ooh, I'll take one for ten bucks.

Sold.

Apparently that is who I am.

So a buncha kids made fun of you

for not having a gun.

You saw it.

No gun. Zero respect.

Well, British police don't carry guns,

and they get respect.

Yeah, but they have a cool accent

people fall head over heels for.

Looks like we've got trouble.

You're telling me

you can't tell the difference

between dog poop and coyote poop?

I'm saying if your dog does this again,

maybe he'll be eaten by a coyote.

Are you threatening to eat my dog?

No, that did come out wrong.

[Irish accent]: All right, all right,

everyone take it down a wee bit!

What the hell was that?

Sorry, that's not it. Ahem.

[Jamaican accent]: Relax, man.

Don't be fightin'. Irie!

Whoa, that is way off.

All right, knock it off!

You, put your dog on a leash!

And you...

make sure his dog is on a leash.

[both]: Yes, officer.

[Southern accent]: Y'all best pay attention

to what--

You, stop with the accents!

Yes, officer.

My word, this iced tea is refreshing.

My sincere apologies for my earlier transgression.

Transgression?

That's not how you talk.

We didn't expect to be

in a high-falutin' psychology paper.

How's my hair?

Thin and greasy.

And that's good. That's how it normally is.

Everyone, you have to act normal.

This is a crowded deck with no rules.

Do what feels right.

Aah!

[laughter]

You people really turned into a pack of jerks!

Which is very interesting.

I see you've upgraded

from flowerpot to table and chair.

Now there's just the business of your food order.

I'm saving a seat

for someone who already has food.

So therefore, by proxy, ipso mundo,

I too have food.

[chuckling]

This is even better.

I'll remain completely unnoticed

while still observing the specimens.

I can just read their lips.

"Don't push King Kong away from the toothpaste."

"There's marmalade on my prostitute."

Okay, I can't read lips.

But I can still observe.

I was trying to prove my British accent theory.

You know none of those were British, right?

[English accent]: I'm bloody well

aware of that, thank you.

Great. Now I can do it.

Point is, I resolved the situation

without resorting to stupid impressions.

Sure.

Easy to talk tough when you're packing heat.

It has nothing to do with the gun.

[English accent]: Then be a jolly good bobby

and let me have it.

Forget it, Mrs. Doubtfire.

It's my gun.

You know, technically, your gun is the property of the DRPD.

I could order you to give it to me.

If you did, I'd lose total respect for you.

And I'd stop lending you my salad spinner.

[gasping]

Well, couldn't we maybe... share the gun?

Fine.

But only because you reasoned with me.

Not because you used a British accent.

[Indian accent]: Oh, you should not

underestimate...

Oh, dammit!

I just had it.

Oscar, you left a mess in the kitchen.

I just invented my own frozen treats...

Oscarpops.

Uck!

I have no problem believing these are sugarless.

Well, they're not for you anyway!

[phone ringing]

-Hello? - [Brent]: Hey, Mom.

Um, I'm going through these yummy Mommysicles

like gangbusters.

Do you think you could maybe make me some more?

I suppose I could.

They're a lot of work, though.

I know, and no one appreciates it more

than your little oobi... woobi, or whatever you said earlier.

Oh, and while you're at it,

could you maybe make a double batch?

Gotta run! Wuv you, Mommy!

I am on a rocket-sled to Hell...

via the bank!

Hurry up, Hank.

I gotta go.

Hey!

We can save a seat too!

Uh, sure.

But remember, people, this is a "no rules" deck.

They might keep your seat.

You can trust me to give it back,

right, Alison?

Who ate all my fries?

I suggest we share the gun every other call

to avoid jealousy and paranoia...

And your stupid accents.

[arguing]

[Karen]: Davis is driving me nuts.

We only have one gun, so he wants to share.

Shh, not now.

I'm getting good stuff here.

Alison told Hank he's a funky gas mole.

Or something close to that.

Okay, what do you want?

I'll start from the beginning.

No! I've got the gist.

One gun. Davis insecure.

Okay, look,

studies have shown that the feeling of having power

can influence behaviour,

so either share your gun or give him a placebo

that makes him feel like he has power.

A placebo?

Oh, like sugar pills instead of real medicine.

Hmm.

[Australian accent]: Crikey,

we just got a noise complaint!

Let's bounce.

Like a wallaby!

[sighing]

[Oscar]: Here's your stupid treats.

I hope you choke on your fatty gooptose.

Thanks, Dad.

Look, I know you're not allowed to have these,

but if it makes you feel better,

every one that I eat makes me think

of you not being allowed to have them.

How did you grow up to be so cruel?

[slurping]

This whiskey is delicious.

You should have some.

Oh, that's right.

You can't!

[laughing]

And then you drove over my bike.

You shouldn't have left it on the lawn.

Hey, Brent!

Michelle is raving

about some amazing frozen treat she bought.

Okay, Dad. Thanks for stopping by.

On your way, now.

I think she called it a Mama's Boy?

Or a Suck-Upsicle?

[whispering]: I know what you mean.

Ah! A Momsicle!

Like your mom!

Aw...

When someone whispers to you, you're supposed to whisper back.

What?

Thanks for saving my seat, Hank.

There you go, Fitzy.

Huh. These better be worth it.

Okay, who's next?

I've got an unemployed bum over here.

Hank! I left my phone in the car.

Oh, my god.

This is so good, I'm... I'm getting emotional.

This isn't just a frozen treat.

It's a frozen...

coming-of-age adventure.

What's an adventure?

Who's coming of age?

Where'd you get those?

Oh...

Everyone knows I have a strict rule

about outside food at the Ruby.

Not on your "no rules" deck.

Sonofabitch!

Hank, watch my seat.

I gotta have one of those.

Sure. Ravi will be back soon.

I'll buy you one if you save my seat right now.

Bam! I'm in!

I forgot that I don't have a phone.

This heat's getting to me.

Hey!

What the hell, Hank?

[music playing]

That is definitely excessive noise.

Hey, look! It's Officer Mommy!

It'll be "Officer Pistol Whip"

if you don't kill the music... punk.

Pumpkin.

He meant to say "pumpkin."

Why don't you go find the mom?

We just need you kids

to play your music a little quieter.

Why should we listen to you?

You don't have a gun.

Now I do.

Little wino.

Don't tell me you made more.

You think Jonas Edison gave up

the first time he failed inventing electricity?

I used turnip in this batch.

So they're not better, just bitter.

Clam up and try one.

On a positive note,

I think you've found something

to keep the slugs out of the garden.

Just accept the fact that Brent can have my Momsicles

and you can't.

I would if just Brent was eating them,

but now the whole town gets to have them too.

What are you talking about?

The boy is selling your treats

in Corner Gas.

What?

After all the work I did?

That dirty little...

I think it's time we surprised our son

with a real treat.

Like what? A new bike?

Where are we going?

Where's my Momsicle?

Oh! They were sold out.

I didn't get you anything else

because it would pale in comparison to this.

Serves me right.

I don't suppose anyone else needs their seat saved?

Didn't think so.

Has anyone seen my wallet?

I may be many things, Mavis,

but I'm not a thief.

No, Barf Bag.

I left it somewhere.

Could be the climbing wall or the gun range...

Maybe the race track.

I want your life.

I'll...I'll watch your seat.

Gimme a chance, Mavis.

My reputation is on the line here,

and not just for today, but for solstices to come,

and not just for me,

but for future generations of seat-saving Yarbos.

I will not fail you, Mavis.

Come hell or high water,

I... will... save... your... seat!

Yeah, sure.

[Brent]: More Momsicles?

Geez, Mom, I really don't deserve these.

Oh, you deserve them more than you think.

What do you expect?

A new bike? [chuckling]

Forget it.

You enjoy those...

you little sonofawoobi.

Well, I hope you're happy.

People are eating your treats on my deck.

I can't control where people eat things.

Don't you have some kind of rule about...

No, I don't have a rule!

There are no rules!

Okay, relax, Thunderdome.

Listen. I am feeling a little guilty,

so why don't you take these Momsicles

and sell them at the Ruby?

Little tip, you can charge as much as you want.

These pie-eyed rubes will pay anything.

Who am I?

How's the essay going?

Aah, not great.

Even though I'm secretly observing them

through tinted windows,

their behaviour still seems unnatural.

Not sure those windows are tinted.

What?

Can you see me?

[banging]

Ignore her.

If you want a cheeseburger, have a cheeseburger.

I'm never going to get this essay finished.

I need that 200 bucks.

On the bright side,

your placebo advice is working.

You're taking sugar pills?

No, our previous conversation.

We had a previous conversation?

To prove a point,

I took the gun while Davis was napping

and replaced it with a placebo.

[Davis]: Hey, partner!

We got another call.

It's your turn to have the gun.

Why don't you keep it?

Have it your way.

Okay, so his holster's full of sugar pills?

Good luck with the paper.

Man, it is hot.

Stupid hot.

Hank, I think you're burning.

Or Fitzy's getting more pasty.

Just give up and go inside.

No one will think lesser of you...

than we already do.

My word is my bond.

Thanks for misting me

with your water bottle, though.

This is baby oil.

Look, if I give you one of these Momsicles,

will you stop haranguing the customers?

That's not much of a bribe.

Brent sells these things for 13 bucks a pop.

Jackpot!

Why is he selling these?

He's always going on about how much he loves them.

All I know is people love a frosty treat

on a hot, sunny...

Are those rain clouds?

[thunder rolls]

Aah!

Tastes like a frozen fart.

What the hell are you trying to pull?

These taste terrible.

You're drunk. Gimme that.

[Emma]: Aha!

That'll teach you for taking advantage of me

and selling my Momsicles for profit.

Could someone tell me what's going on?

And then knock it off?

In order to teach him a lesson,

we gave Brent my frozen treats

instead of Emma's.

I think you're playing fast and loose

with the word "treat."

Oh.

Well, you really got me...

because these are...

mmm...

They're actually...

Geez, is that ham?

I think he likes them.

No, no, they're bad.

Is there another one I could be punished with?

If you really want to teach me a lesson,

throw a little mustard in the next batch.

You're a complicated individual.

[snarling]

A coyote ran into my garage.

I got this.

Davis, wait!

Don't worry, I have the gun.

No, you don't. I have the...

wait, where's the gun?

You done with the fries?

Yup.

How about this gun?

Yup. No, wait, that's not mine.

It's, uh... it's not real.

It's made of sugar.

What?

I don't know. Ask Karen.

[snarling]

Yep.

It's a coyote.

I'm just going to shoo it towards the door.

Davis, get out of there!

You don't have a gun.

If I don't have a gun, then what's this?

Uh-oh.

[Scottish accent]: Yer a good wee doggy.

With great huge teeth. [chuckling]

-[barking] -Aah!

Aah!

The water's making him angrier.

He hates being sprayed!

Oh, he hates it so much!

[squirting]

Well, he kept his word, that's for sure.

I can't decide

whether he's being honourable or stupid.

It's Hank.

Stupid.

Mavis, I'm still saving your seat!

You can keep it!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

I got my own seat on the deck!

I'm King of the Summer Solstice!

[thunderclap]

All right, I'm coming in now.

Hey, Lacey,

about those rotten Oscarpops,

I'm more than willing

to take them off your hands.

Nuh-uh.

What? Come on.

You said yourself they tasted terrible.

Yeah, true.

But heat them up,

and they're a savoury cup of soup.

They even come with their own stir stick.

Want one?

Yes, please!

But could I have one from the freezer?

I developed a taste

for that icy, hammy, turnipy goodness.

Hey, sorry you didn't get your psychology blob

finished in time.

I did. I changed topics.

"Money vs. Morality:

One Man's Pathetic Descent into Greed."

Is this about me?

No.

Really? 'Cause that's my picture...

photoshopped with a mouth full of money...

and a pig's nose?

You can't publish this.

I'll give you 10 percent.

Sold!

Boy, I am complicated.

[♪♪♪]

♪ I don't know

♪ The same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know

♪ I just... don't know

♪ Ooh

♪ It's a great big place

♪ Ooh

♪ Full of nothing but space

♪ Ooh

♪ It's my happy place