Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

Oof!

Why am I doing all the heavy lifting

while you're on the floor

folding paper like a Japanese princess?

Assembling this display is no walk in the park...

he said, ignoring his paper cut.

There you go.

Hope I didn't lose a finger.

I hope you did.

Well, I believe we earned a refreshing beverage.

[popping cans]

What's so military about this?

I thought it would be more...

...explode-y.

Hi-yaa!

Oh, sorry.

I thought we were getting Red Dawn-ed.

No, but good to know you can pop a squat

if World War III breaks out.

It's a promotion for a new soda.

Thought I'd give it a whirl,

since it came with six free cases.

How does it taste?

Free.

Pretty unrealistic portrayal of the male physique,

wouldn't you say?

I'm more concerned

with him going into battle shirtless.

I dunno. Those abs look like they could stop a bullet.

The real problem is charging in with no gonch.

No gonch? How can you tell?

He's a Commander.

Where do you think "commando" comes from?

Oh...

then I guess you can call me Commander Hank.

And you can call me queasy.

Get your hands out of your pockets.

♪ You think there's not a lot going on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby

♪ You're so wrong

Buenos días, amigas.

Cómo estás?

Two weeks in Cuba,

and suddenly she's Chita Rivera.

Cuba sounds great.

Better than my vacation.

Oh, you took a trip?

Where? When?

Here. Now.

I had three extra vacation days banked,

and it's a "use 'em or lose 'em"

type of situation.

I guess the upside is

I've been able to binge-watch

this whole season of Battle Brides.

Battle Brides?

That's my favourite show.

I don't like reality shows.

I prefer actual reality.

Like deep conversations

on the white sandy beaches of Varadero,

listening to salsa music while smoking delicious cigars.

You like cigars?

Yes, I love the rich, brown,

musky aroma, full body...

Buenos días, beautiful lady.

Pardon the muskiness of my full body.

Would you like to buy a box of...

...of cigars.

I'm talking about the cigars.

Did you bring any back?

Oh. Yeah, a couple.

What? Chicks don't smoke cigars!

I smoke cigars.

I said chicks, not my friend's mom.

Now you're about to get smoked.

Okay, crazy idea.

Tomorrow, we get together, smoke cigars,

and watch the Battle Brides finale.

I'd feel like I was still on vacation.

We get it. You had an actual vacation.

Count me in.

Great!

But can we watch something

other than a stupid bride show?

Sorry, Hank. Cigar-smoking chicks only.

C'mon, I'll... I'll wear gonch!

What is it that bugs me about that guy?

That you'll never look as good

as a piece of cardboard?

That's it.

I don't know. Studies have shown

that you can make a big difference in your physique

by doing one simple activity per day.

Yeah, right.

Oh, look at me.

I'm doing three push-ups in a row.

I'm Dwayne "The Rock" Carrot Top.

Jeez. Maybe you're right.

I do feel different.

Oh, my face is crying.

That's sweat.

Ew.

But look.

I'm stronger already.

[crushing]

[bell dings outside]

Maybe there is something to this working-out thing.

Oops.

Hulk not know own strength.

Oh. Oh...

Those are impressive.

A woman could get lost in there.

All right, back off, jar-head. I got work to do.

Why aren't ya inside with Karen?

Don't wanna remind her of work while she's on vaycay.

With her off duty,

it's just me keeping an eye on the mean streets.

Dog River doesn't have any mean streets.

[whistling]

[tripping]

Hey! What're you trying to do, kill me?

At worst, we have some uncaring boulevards.

[muttering]

Hey, Davis!

Do something about the curbs around here.

They're too damn high!

'Cause that's what cops do.

Shave down curbs.

[muttering]

Hey, Oscar.

If you're going to go to Corner Gas,

grab me a lottery ticket.

Karen usually picks them for us 'cause I have terrible luck.

I didn't think you could get any more useless.

Here's your damn scratch and sniff.

I hope you lose,

you lazy, non-curb-shaving,

unlucky ticket picking...

That's some top-notch muttering, Oscar.

Hey! I won two dollars!

All right!

[chortling]

We did it!

I'll take my half in cash.

Your half?

I picked the ticket, I should get half,

you cheap, stingy, ticket-scratching--

Fine.

Why are you suddenly all Patrick Swayze?

I don't get the reference.

I'm not dancing, molding clay,

cross-dressing, or undercover surfing.

No sleeves.

Oh, Roadhousing.

Yeah, I rolled them up as a precaution

before my biceps shred them.

Don't want anyone to lose an eye due to shirt shards.

Right? Wanda?

Is there something wrong with the Commander Cola cutout?

You keep staring at it.

Huh? No! Who did?

And why are you wearing lipstick?

Shut up!

My lips are chapped.

Yeah, that makes perfect sense.

Gimme another scratch and win.

I'm on a roll!

Give him two. I'm riding his roll.

Pick 'em and weep.

I mean, good luck.

Ah well. End of the roll.

Fun's over.

Holy hell, I won a hundred bucks!

Ha ha ha!

♪ I'm Richy Richard Richardson the Richest! ♪

I'll take my 50 in cash.

My fat Aunt Fanny you will.

I gave you half my winnings, so you give me half yours.

You ungrateful, underhanded, good for nothing...

Is he muttering more than usual?

Dad, it sounds like

Davis is being completely reasonable here.

He... he didn't...

Wanda's wearing lipstick!

So we can't have the party at Karen's because of the smoke,

can't have it at my place because I don't have cable,

and can't have it at Emma's, because... Oscar.

We can have it at my place.

One, you're not invited.

Two, your place stinks.

Three, you're Hank.

Numbers one and three aside, my place does smell.

If anything, cigar smoke would make it better...

and keep the insects away.

Have you ever talked anyone into anything?

The hotel bar!

Phil just installed a new projector and screen

for movie night.

[struggling]

C'mon, Oscar! This isn't fair.

So call a cop.

Don't know... how long...

arms will hold...

Take it down a notch.

You guys are overreacting to...

No!

This isn't over, Oscar!

His arm!

His beautiful, bumpy arm!

It's completely ripped!

I know how he feels.

[panting]

Hey, Phil.

Can we have a cigar and Battle Brides party here

tomorrow night?

Sure.

So long as "Officer By-law" here

overlooks the no-smoking rules.

Meh. I'm on vacation.

Great!

Battle Brides is on at 8:00,

so get that projection screen ready.

Can't. Hank ruined the screen.

What? When?

Put 200 bucks on my tab!

[panting]

Hey, Phil.

Can we have a cigar and Battle Brides party

here tomorrow night?

Not long ago.

Great. Now we have no choice

but to have the party at Hank's place.

Well, well, well.

Look who came crawling back to old Hanky.

I mean, we're going to have so much fun!

Who'd have thought that cigars could bring the girls together?

It's like I brought my vacation home with me.

Oh, fine, I'll bite.

Whatcha doing, Brent?

I used to just swivel for fun,

but now I can feel it working my core.

Wanda was right.

Small changes go a long way

to getting fit.

This morning, I did one squat,

and I can already see a difference.

Yeah, I see squat, all right.

But isn't all that cola,

which you didn't purchase here, by the way,

fattening?

Oh, sure, the cola has sugar,

but the sugar gives me the energy

to burn off the sugar.

I'm calorie neutral.

Like Sweden.

Shh.

You're going to be just fine, soldier.

[humming]

Tell me about the place you grew up.

[humming]

♪ Richy Richardson, the Richest of the Richy Riches ♪

[humming]

Hmm.

Jaywalking is a $50 fine.

Or you could just give me

my half of the lottery winnings.

You're not getting a cent of my money!

[tripping]

And neither are you!

Well, look who's up already.

You certainly have better colour today.

Are you flirting with me, mister?

Ooh, someone's excited.

Hey, Emma!

How many new teeth can I get for a hundred bucks?

Oh no.

If you think you're trapping me into a second wedding,

you got another thing coming.

Why would I want a second wedding

when I'm not done regretting the first?

This is for the Battle Brides party.

[knocking]

Emma.

I'm here to collect $50, or Oscar's going to jail.

Oscar, get your shoes on.

I'm not giving nothing

to that scratch and loser!

Why don't you two idiots spend the money on more tickets?

Agree to split whatever you win, and be done with it.

Hmm...

That would make the jaywalking fine go away.

Okay, but I pick the tickets.

Am I the only one with any brains around here?

Aah!

You going to arm-wrestle that thing all day,

or pump some gas?

My eyes are up here, ladies.

How long is this going to take?

As long as you like.

The gas fumes have finally gotten to Brent.

Just like his old man.

Rrr!

[giggling]

-Oh, my. -Who is this?

Commander Cola.

Well, he can shimmy

into my foxhole any day.

If I knew the military looked like this,

I wouldn't have dodged the draft.

You didn't have to dodge the draft.

You're a woman.

That's right.

A woman.

Hey! You two floozies going to buy something,

or you're just going to hang around,

drooling like a couple of high school hussies?

Just 'cause there's snow on the roof

doesn't mean--

Take your snowy roofs and powder.

And don't stand there grinning

like you had nothing to do with it.

And put on a damn shirt!

[knocking]

Welcome to Casa Del House of Hank's House.

Everything is ready for the big party...

inside.

What exactly did you do to get ready?

I'm wearing pants, ain't I?

Whatever, let's get this show on the road to holy matrimony!

Why don't we leave the TV off for now

and enjoy a cigar

in the company of good friends?

[screeching]

Hey, I didn't know I had a cat.

Huh. Probably why I haven't seen as many rats around lately.

No.

I'm not jealous.

I was just worried you might catch a cold

by that drafty door.

I'm not trying to change you.

Well, if you don't want to wear it, take it off.

Oh, the silent treatment?

Hmm.

Well, two can play that game, hot stuff.

Hello?

Do you mind?

Trying to win a war here.

Fine. I'll get my own scratch and win tickets.

Ow!

Pick 'em and get out.

I'm in the middle of a domestic.

Ooh, get the Leprechaun.

Scratchie O'Shamrock.

Luck of the Irish.

That's racist.

I got a system.

Yeah, stick to your system, Oscar.

Loyalty is important.

At least it is to some people!

Quit yammering.

You're jinxing my mojo.

Where's Brent?

All I'm saying is,

a few small changes yield big results.

I can train you if you're interested.

And if we're not interested, will you leave?

Nope. It's called commitment.

Carbs equal energy.

Aw, don't move those comics!

They're scattered in alphabetical order!

Don't touch the remotes!

I have a system!

Aah! What are you doing?

Your milk is expired.

I was making cheese!

Aw, it was going to pair perfectly

with those crackers I found.

Quit messing with my stuff!

I'll start with the Western theme,

then move on to the fruit motif.

Ha!

Wagon wheel! Wagon wheel!

Spaceship?

That's a cow patty.

Well, it's still not a match.

Ooh, look!

I won a bag of chips!

Half a bag of chips.

Well, I'm closing up now.

But, look, I think we both got carried away.

Things were said.

Feelings were hurt.

But I'm going to be mature, take the high road,

and offer you a chance to apologize.

Aw! You military types are all the same.

You need the drama, don't you, Hurt Locker?

Well, I can't live like this.

That's exactly where you belong!

Oh, God, what have I done?

This isn't right.

There.

And you can keep the t-shirt.

[stifling a sob] It'll only remind me of you.

Now, power-walking like Wanda there

is a good way to raise the heart rate,

but that much rage can also make it explode.

Bit of a tightrope.

Okay, ready?

And we're done.

Shake it out.

That's it?

That was Brent's Butt-Blaster Challenge?

I said they were small changes.

[grumbling]

Nice power-walking, ladies.

But dial back that rage.

You'll feel it in the morning.

This is the life.

Good friends, quality cigars,

and whatever this liquid is Hank gave us.

Cheers!

[sniffing]

Sorry I, uh, lost my head, ladies.

Allow me to present you

with my specially prepared h'ordurvays.

Aw! [giggling]

Oh.

It looks like chopped-up wieners in popcorn.

Yeah, my own invention, popdogs!

I was going to call it "corndogs,"

but that was a legal can of worms.

Ooh!

The brides are arriving in the limos.

Volume.

Okay, the entertainment system is a tad complicated.

Try to keep up.

If you want volume, use this one,

and press "source."

Then push "input 1" on this--

No need.

I programmed all of them into your universal remote.

You can't use the universal remote!

I haven't bought a universal yet!

And who fixed my lucky broken lamp?

I'm starting to regret letting you guys

let me into this hen party.

It's time to leave.

No, I was thinking you guys leave.

Guess I should've been more specific.

[rattling knob]

Hey!

Who fixed the door lock?

Come on!

Welcome to Battle Brides!

We've watched it all season, and it's come down to this.

Two brides enter.

One dream dies.

This is Battle Brides?

It looks awful!

This is Battle Brides?

It looks awesome!

[cheering on TV]

Here we go, Sondra.

Get in there

and tell her that bouquet is so last season!

Yeah!

Ask her why her dad isn't there to walk her down the aisle!

Harsh.

Whew! Commercial break.

How about we calm down with some Cuban music

I brought back from my vacation?

Oh, isn't this better?

Maybe we can chat?

With each other?

Hey, Emma,

what was the best part of your wedding night?

Oscar fell asleep early.

That was nice.

I've always imagined my wedding to be on a beach somewhere,

with a warm breeze, and--

A punch to the head!

No...

It's back on. Sondra punched the priest.

[spitting]

[♪♪♪]

[sniffling]

[whistling]

Gaah?

Commander Cola?

Wha--

How did you... ?

And the prize for our lucky winners!

Gimme.

It may be the only thing we won,

but we're splitting it fair and square!

[humming]

Oh, excuse me.

Oh, hello.

Sergeant... Soda, wasn't it?

Anyway, nice to see you again.

Looks like your arm has healed nicely.

Can I help you, Wanda?

I think you've done enough.

It didn't take you long to move on...

Pig.

Quite the display, huh?

Did you get one of these at Corner Gas too?

Oh, so this is...

Kind of creepy, eh?

I feel like he's always watching me.

Don't flatter yourself.

I mean, yeah, super creepy and not sexy.

I'll get him out of here for you.

Weirdo.

This is some amazing smack-talk!

How long does the smack-talk last?

Till someone stops talking and starts smacking!

[laughing]

Ah! This is more like it.

Hey, wanna play something?

Maybe.

Any requests?

Hmm. Know any Pablo Milanés?

[plucking]

No. I don't play guitar.

I was gonna use this for kindling.

Hey.

This one has three cherries.

Doesn't that mean--

It's a winner!

Two hundred bucks!

I'm rich!

You mean I'm rich.

You two thought it was garbage.

I picked the ticket!

It's my money!

We agreed to split everything, remember?

How about we split it three ways?

That's about 66 and change apiece.

Nice.

All right!

There you go, boys.

Uh, okay.

There's the change.

You forgot the "66" part.

Taking into account your outstanding tabs,

I'm being generous.

Gimme a bag of chips.

And this time, I'm not sharing.

Welcome home, soldier.

I'm off for the night,

but here's a little something for you to read

if you get bored.

[laughing]

Two hours of juicy jabs and sleazy slams,

and now the main event!

Here we go!

[laughing]

[crowd booing]

That's it?

That was a lot of hype and build-up

for zero payoff.

That's marriage, all right.

Now what do we do?

[sighing]

See, isn't this the best kind of entertainment?

Yup. Best mandatory vacation ever.

Can I take my pants off now?

Whatever. I've got my own entertainment.

[beeping]

Stupid universe.

Karen! How do you work this thing?

You ever going to open those?

Eat my winnings? No way.

These chips are worth 66 bucks!

Hey, is that Zeke?

What the hell is he doing with a boat?

Hey, Zeke!

Where'd you get that boat?

I won it!

Bought the last leprechaun ticket!

Thank you, Scratchie O'Shamrock!

Stupid Irish!

Now, that's racist.

Morning, Wanda.

Off to prom?

None of your business.

A gal doesn't need any special reason

to look her best.

Aah!

Oh yeah, that's the new display for Screamin' Demon Diapers.

It's a weird name,

until you learn they're hellishly absorbent.

Where's Commander Cola?

He shipped out.

To war?

No. Back to the distributor.

Turns out that soda hadn't been approved

by the foodie druggie... approvers.

Anyway, it had unhealthy levels of tyrosine.

Side effects include

heightened feelings of passion and delusion.

In hindsight, that does explain some odd behaviour.

And emotions.

By certain people.

I'm going to go wash my face.

Don't be sad.

I heard Cap'n Crunch say he thinks you're cute!

I drank a lot of that soda too.

Wonder why I didn't become delusional.

How you doin'?

[♪♪♪]

♪ I don't know

♪ The same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know

♪ I just... don't know

♪ Ooh

♪ It's a great big place

♪ Ooh

♪ Full of nothing but space

♪ Ooh

♪ It's my happy place

♪ I don't know