Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

Hey, Brent,

what's the deal with the moon?

It's a big chunk of rock,

orbits the Earth...

That's literally all I have on that.

I mean, what's special about tonight's moon?

Everyone's talking about it,

and I want to get a picture with my new camera.

Is it a blood moon, a harvest moon,

some kind of eclipse?

Hmm, I wonder if it's ever been all those things at once.

Super-Blood-Blue-Harvest Eclipse.

Werewolves wouldn't know what to do.

[gasps]

Oh no. It's...

it's happening!

[snarling]

[garbled roaring]

[in posh British accent] I say, that's a blue-blood moon, then.

Pip pip, I could go for a cup of tea

and a spot of human flesh, eh, what? [chuckles]

[howling]

And then a harvest moon turns him into a farmer-wolf,

all covered in... manure, or...

I'll figure out the details,

but this could be a good comic book story.

Fine, I'll go with you tonight, for research.

Yeah. You want to make sure

all your werewolf science

is accurate.

♪ You think there's not a lot going on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby you're so wrong ♪

[♪♪♪]

Hey, does anyone know what kind of moon it is tonight?

Brent and I are going to go watch it.

[everyone]: Ooh...

It's not like that, I want a picture of it.

[chortling and "ooh"ing]

Why are you "ooh"ing?

There's nothing titillating about that.

[giggles]

Oh, knock it off.

I heard it's going to be an orange moon,

or a green moon-- is that a thing?

I wonder what colour the moon was

when man first landed on it.

We assume it was grey,

but TVs were black & white back then.

Some say the moon landing was faked.

What do you mean?

That it was shot in a movie studio.

[chuckles] Yeah, right.

'Cause there's movie studios on the moon.

It's a blue moon tonight, Lacey.

I know because it's the one day of the year

when Oscar is actually kind of pleasant to be around.

Here we are, my pet,

one slice of blueberry pie.

Looks delicious, too.

My compliments to the chef.

Okay, that is weird.

Are you jealous?

It's okay to admit you're jealous.

I just think you're lucky.

Who's lucky?

Just arrived in the mail.

Ooh! "The Braylorn Redundancy."

Holy crap!

That's the third installment

in the Max Braylorn Spy Trilogy!

Uh, yeah, I know.

How did you get a copy?

That's not supposed to be released for months.

Promotional contest.

All I had to do

was consume ten tins of chewing tobacco.

You didn't have to chew it all.

All they wanted was proof of purchase.

The vomiting made me feel I earned it.

I want to read that book.

You can read it after me.

No.

You read too slow.

I like to savour the words.

"Max...

Braylorn...

embarks...

on his greatest...

adventure..."

Oh, my god.

"...yet."

It's gonna be a month before you're done!

Don't be a princess.

I have to wait, like, a year

for the audio book to come out.

Audio book? Wow.

I was like, 80% sure you could read.

I prefer audio books because you can close your eyes

and sink into the world of the story.

Quick tip, don't do it while you're driving.

Then it's settled, I'll read it first.

Nice try.

Okay, Davis, have it your way...

...for now.

[suspenseful music theme plays]

My gut instinct is telling me

she might try and steal my book.

Golly, ya think?

There you are, my sweet.

Why is Oscar being so pleasant,

when he's usually more... what would you call it?

Horrible.

Could be mind control.

Says the guy glued to his smart phone.

I started reading up on that fake moon landing,

and now I'm down a rabbit patch,

and through the looking hole,

and into all kinds of secret dirt.

Did you know a cabal

of super intelligent aliens from another dimension

are running our media?

Where'd you read that, the media?

Yeah! It's all right here.

Oscar could be a sleeper agent

for the Russians.

Or the Soviets.

Maybe both.

Sure, yeah, they're all in cahoots.

Bye, Lacey.

See ya.

Yeah, see ya later, Oscar.

Or should I say, Comrade Crankenov?

Oh, Hank, you jokester.

[chuckling]

Definitely mind control.

Hey, Lacey, can I get a coffee

and a carrot muffin to go?

Aren't you going to eat with Davis?

No.

I have an assignment,

or a mission,

or some stupid thing.

So they brainwashed you too, huh?

What?

All right, Hank,

take your commie comments somewhere else.

Fine. But out there,

the truth... is.

Then why in here are you...

...is?

Hey, Karen,

me and Brent are going out later

to watch the moon.

Want to come?

Why would I want to be a third wheel

on your date?

It's not a date.

Going to watch the moon together.

Yeah, that won't be romantic

at all.

Huh...

[♪♪♪]

[Wanda muttering]: Just eating.

Not reading.

Probably can't chew and move his eyes

at the same time.

Hey, I could use that thing.

Lacey and I are going to go watch

the Super-Blood-Harvest-Eclipse.

You want to come?

Why do you want me on your date?

To keep you from pawing each other?

It's not like that.

You just want me there to watch, you perv?

Well, first of all, it's not a date.

Actually, first of all, I'm not a perv.

Secondly, it's not a date.

Really?

Is she aware it's not a date?

Of...of course. I think.

I mean, she's-- she's not...

Just give me your kaleidoscope.

Telescope.

I need it.

For what?

Nothing.

Great then, thanks.

Hmm...

[mysterious music plays]

Come on...

where's your precious book?

[groans] I can't wait for you to get through a whole novel.

It takes you half an hour to get through a sandwich.

[Karen muttering] Gotcha.

Nice binoculars, Dora.

Hey.

Hey.

I, uh... I invited Wanda

to come gawk at the stupid moon with us.

She's busy or something.

[chuckles awkwardly] Yeah.

I asked Karen to come,

but she's on some secret mission, so...

Looks like it'll be just us.

Yup.

You and me.

That's... That's perfectly okay.

Right?

[chuckling awkwardly] Perfectly.

I mean... why-why...

why wouldn't it be?

Exactamundo.

Yup.

[giggling]

Hmm.

Yeah.

You were right.

Wanda is watching your every move.

Ha! I knew it.

But she's out of luck,

because I have a three- stage lock-down plan

to keep my book safe.

It'll be locked inside my locker,

which is locked inside the police office,

which is locked inside the town building.

She'll never get her tiny little mitts

on that book.

[chuckles]

Bingo.

Jeez, this Sadie Spy is no slouch.

[deafening bark]

Ow! [ears ringing]

That did damage.

A Blue-Blood-Harvest-Eclipse might whet the old appetite,

so I brought snacks.

What? I like snacks.

No, it's your shirt.

It's kinda dressy.

It's a t-shirt.

I mean, it's new.

Third one in the pack.

[sniffs]

Are you wearing cologne?

I fell asleep against some air fresheners earlier.

Can we just go?

[groans] Aw...

There's a stain on the passenger seat.

Oh yeah, my coffee thermos leaked.

You don't expect me to sit in the middle.

No.

I mean, you could.

Or you could sit in the back.

Like you'd be my chauffeur?

I could sit back and boss you around,

and you'd have to do whatever I say.

Well, now sitting in the back is off the table.

Do you really think Wanda is that desperate

to steal your book?

It's just comforting to know

that my book is secure

until I read it this weekend.

You haven't started yet?

I like to read it all at once,

no interruptions.

I may call in sick on Monday.

Through Wednesday.

Wow, you are a slow reader.

I appreciate the written word,

not like some book listeners I know.

[Hank]: Hey, guys.

[yelping in fright]

Tense much?

I need you guys to come with me.

Emergency.

[sighing]

Let the games begin.

This is really uncomfortable.

Don't make it weird.

Friends can be in each other's space

without--

No, I meant I'm sitting on a seatbelt buckle.

Every time we hit a bump, it jams up my whoozits.

Oh. Right.

Well, that's what I meant too.

[bumps, Lacey winces]

You're doing that on purpose.

It's a bumpy road.

Step one...

cut power to the building and deactivate the alarm.

[yelping and shuddering]

Okay.

Step one-A,

cut the right wire.

Ha!

Step two,

access the building.

Whoo! This is kinda fu--

Oh, comin' in too hot!

Oof!

Oh, well, thank you, Oscar.

Anything for you, my love.

This is your emergency?

Chivalry?

Hank's right.

General niceness

is not in Oscar's profile.

You profile people?

What's my profile?

General idiot.

[scoffs] Not even close.

But what do you think is wrong with Oscar?

You want my professional opinion,

I'd say full moon.

Yup, the ol' Luna Plena.

Good call, partner.

But it's a blue moon!

Full moon, blue moon, anything moon-related.

All right then, another case solved!

Whoo-hoo!

Yeah!

Wait, we have to question him,

to rule out other potential causes.

Like what?

Concussion, fever, Slender Man,

computer chip implanted at the base of his skull?

By the Lizard People.

Hello?

Hmm...

That's a solid beefy lock.

I won't be going through that door anytime soon.

I'll be going above it.

[groans]

Easy peasy.

Ow!

[yelps in pain]

I landed on my whoozits.

[Lacey]: The moon should come right up over those trees.

Wow, look at all those stars.

I know.

They're so bright,

I don't even have to light these candles.

What are you doing with candles?

I forgot to put batteries in my flashlight,

and I like to see what I'm eating.

I don't have to, but I like to.

We're here to look at the moon,

not have a picnic.

It's not a picnic.

It's just food on a blanket.

I wasn't even planning on sharing it with you.

You mean I don't get any pepperoni sticks

and canned cheese?

Oh darn.

I just want to make sure our intentions are clear.

Believe me, it's about the food.

If professional television comedy

has taught us anything,

it's that fat guys like to eat.

[munching]

...I'll have to agree with you there.

[chuckling]

Well, of all the places to bump into you two.

How's it hangin', Oscar,

you crotchety old coot?

Good evening, officers.

Hank.

If you'll excuse me,

I have to visit the ladies' room.

Don't be long, my sweet.

Oh you...

So, Oscar,

are you feeling okay?

Hank here is a little worried

because lately you've been acting nice.

Well, I appreciate your concern,

officers Dorksy and Putz,

but you and this jackass

can mind your own damn business.

He seems fine.

I don't get it.

When you were with Emma at the Ruby,

you were being so nice,

and now here in the bar you were all sweet...

until Emma left!

It's Emma!

She's the puppet-master!

[quietly] Blink twice if your life is in danger.

Blink twice if you don't want my boot up your whoozits!

My whoozits?

He has a whatzits.

Whatever!

Look, if you must know,

Emma's father passed away during a blue moon,

so I try to make this sensitive time

easier for her.

So you're literally nice once in a Blue Moon.

Go suck an egg!

All righty, then.

See? Moon-related.

Nailed it.

Is everything all right?

It is now that you're back, Darling.

Hey, Emma. Sorry about your dad.

What?

Officers, could you please escort Hank

to anywhere other than here?

Why don't you come with us, Hank?

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

We go for a walk,

and I come back with my memory wiped!

Well, that works too.

Are you sure you don't want some chips?

Sour Pork 'n' Onion.

Mmm, were they all out of Haggis 'n' Squid?

Why did you bring a radio?

You don't need music to take photos of the moon.

You're not coming on to me, are you?

Get over yourself and your onion breath.

I'm trying to tune into public radio.

There's a program about blue moons and lunar history.

[tunes to soft rock station]

♪ Let me love you--

Nope, that's not it.

[tuning] ♪ Do it to me now

Not it either.

[tuning] Half-priced lube job!

Oh, come on.

[announcer]: Welcome back to public radio's

"History of the Moon."

There, this is it.

Long regarded as a symbol of romantic love,

the moon's amorous allure draws lovers to love lovingly--

[turns off radio]

Silence is... is good too.

Sure.

Just keep your hands where I can see 'em.

Lube job indeed.

[crunching chips]

[wincing]

Hmm...

Wonder which one's Davis'.

Well, I'm guessing this is it.

Toughnut 97-A

with tempered steel,

and tumble-proof reinforced mechanism...

being used to secure a door made of tin.

Sadie Spy Snips... activate.

[miraculous music plays]

Voila!

Relax, Agent Braylorn,

you've been rescued by Agent Double-O-Fox!

[chuckles in triumph]

God, I wish there was someone around to hear that.

Thanks for sharing your food.

Well, you just kinda sat down and took a sandwich, so...

I mean, you're welcome.

[grumbles]

This feels awkward.

Why is this so awkward?

I know.

We're just two friends sitting on a blanket,

enjoying each other's company,

and waiting for a spectacular moon to come out.

What could be more innocent?

You're right.

You can see the glow just behind the tree line.

In a few more minutes, I can snap some pictures,

and we can be out of here.

And we can put this hellacious nightmare behind us.

[laughs]

It's not hellacious.

Shut up.

It's horrific.

[chuckles]

[shivering]

Are you cold?

A little, but that's okay.

I'm fine.

Here, take my coat.

No, I don't know if--

It's just a coat.

Besides, I'm kinda warm.

My roast beef sandwich was a bit chewy,

so I worked up a sweat.

Here you go.

Uh-oh.

Oh no.

I knew this would happen.

The moon, the blanket, the music...

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about you caressing my face.

"Caressing"?

You had mustard on your cheek.

Oh! [chuckles]

I see.

Well... okay, then.

I could put it back, if you--

No, no, no.

Suit yourself.

Hank, why are you behind the jukebox?

Hiding from government thugs.

Hey, what did you say about my dad earlier?

Oh, I just said I'm sorry he died.

He died, right?

I received information from a reliable source

that he died.

He did.

22 years ago.

Glad you didn't get me flowers,

they'd be pretty rank by now.

Oscar probably got you flowers, right?

Candy?

Whatever helps you get through this.

Through what?

Well, Oscar told us

about how he's nice to you during blue moons,

because that's when your dad died.

That's why he does this?

That's kind of sweet of him.

Weird, but sweet.

This doesn't mean he's not an alien pod-person.

[humming]

[sighs]

All right, Max,

it's just you and me.

[yelping] Aah!

Hello, Wanda.

Settling in

to do a little light- fingered reading?

As a matter of fact, I am.

And there's jack-all you can do about it

squatting out there in the rhubarb.

Are you sure?

Look inside.

What the hell?

"Building the Ultimate Bird House"?

I figured you might be smart enough,

and weasely enough,

to find a way into my locker,

so I swapped book jackets

and planted the dummy in there.

I have the real Braylorn book right here.

Are you sure?

[both yelping]

Would you like another drink?

What?

Sorry,

I'm just a little distracted.

I've been thinking about my childhood pet, Scraps.

He was such a good dog,

before he passed away...

on Valentine's Day.

That's sad.

Still affects me to this day,

on Valentine's Day.

I might get myself another beer.

Of course, it's not as rough as Thanksgiving...

Thanksgiving being the day

my uncle ran over my favourite doll.

Really?

That was the day little Betty Toots-a-lot

became Betty Toots-no-more.

[exaggerated sobbing]

Hank can't keep his stupid yap shut

for five seconds, can he?

Whatever do you mean?

I mean you're on to me, and I'm on to you.

Sitting here, making up sob stories.

How dare you manipulate your own husband

into being nice to you?

Eh...

It was worth a shot.

What have you done, Karen?

When I reported back

that Wanda was spying on you--

You were spying on me?

Who would do something that?

[Karen]: ...you blabbed about your plan

to dummy up the book.

So...

when you weren't looking,

I pulled a double-switcheroo

with my Hip-Hop Meditation book.

"Snoop-Downward-Dog"?

I have the real Max Braylorn book

right here.

But why?

You only like stupid audio books.

Exactly.

"Max leapt from the burning hang-glider,

and plummeted toward the rumbling volcano..."

You're right, Karen. This is kinda nice.

[snoring]

You've gotta be kidding me.

I'm only reading this once.

I wish you would just admit it.

Admit what?

That you have feelings for me.

A picnic?

Pretty convenient.

I'm not the one who brought the sex music.

And who gets cold in the middle of the prairie,

at night?

It's freezing out here!

You're the one who spilled coffee on the seat

so I'd have to sit beside you.

You had options: back seat, roof, trunk.

Okay, you know what, just forget it!

Well, you don't have to leave.

[car engine starts]

And you don't have to take my car!

[car drives away]

[Emma]: Hi.

[grumbles] Hmph.

Whatcha eating?

Ice cream?

Your favourite flavour, too.

I got it for you, thank you very much.

I'm sorry about earlier.

I got giddy with greed.

But it does mean a lot

that you'd try to console me

about my dad.

Your old man didn't like me much,

but he still gave us his blessing to get married,

because he could see how much I loved you,

and I promised him

I'd always take care of his little girl.

That is so sweet.

How come you're not nice to me

on the anniversary of my mom's passing?

Your mother was a battle-axe.

Fair enough.

Pass the ice cream.

Get your own spoon!

It's still a blue moon.

Oh, fine.

All this secret info is too much.

"FBI covering up UFOs!"

"Bermuda Triangle was an inside job!"

"Elvis killed Tupac!"

My head is swimmin'.

Oh no,

you're not reading conspiracy theories,

are you?

Yeah, why?

That's just what they want you to do.

Who?

The Illuminati.

The loopa-ladi!

All these conspiracies

were created by the Illuminati

to undermine faith in traditional government.

Those dirty dogs!

And I almost fell for it!

So, uh...

it's okay for me to go home

and take all the tinfoil off my roof?

Unless you really want to be a lightning magnet.

I gotta go.

Hey.

Sorry about last night.

I think we both got a little carried away.

Yeah.

I mean, mostly you,

but yeah.

No hard feelings?

None.

In fact, I got you something.

Wow!

Is this the moon last night?

How'd you zoom in so much?

Pointed your camera through Wanda's kaleido--

Telescope.

Amazing.

[radio announcer]: ...And sometimes,

despite the moon's best efforts,

star-crossed lovers

fail to find their way into each other's arms.

[together]: Turn that off!

Sorry.

Geez,

just trying to kill the sexual tension.

[♪♪♪]

♪ I don't know

♪ The same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know

♪ I just... don't know

♪ Ooh

♪ It's a great big place

♪ Ooh

♪ Full of nothing but space

♪ Ooh

♪ It's my happy place

♪ I don't know