Original subtitles

[squawks]

[♪♪♪]

Look lively, ye filthy dogs!

Keel the jibs!

Shiver the timbers!

Fire the cannons!

We are.

Oh, is that what that noise is?

Yaaarrrbo!

It's high time I split your carcass

from crown to crotch.

Bring it on, Fat Beard!

Fat Beard?

I don't have a beard.

Distracted you!

Ow! What the hell?

Jeez, Hank, it's a game of Battleship,

not friggin' Karateship!

Sorry, Brent.

My imagination got away from me.

You shouted "Fat Beard".

What does that mean?

No, I said... Bat beard.

Like, uh, Batman... with whiskers.

Oh. Well, that makes sense, then.

♪ You'd think there's not a lot going on ♪

♪ Look closer

♪ Baby, you're so wrong ♪

Sorry again

about punching you in the noggin earlier.

Ah, no biggie.

Did you just use the term "no biggie"

in relation to your head?

I'm just glad

we weren't playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.

You might've sacked me in the marbles.

Did you just use the term "marbles"

in relation to your...

Whatcha talking about, guys?

Hank punched Brent in the nose.

Really?

So you showed up just in time

to see Brent punch Hank.

-What? -What?

If Brent doesn't punch Hank back,

this will fester.

It'll rot away at your souls like a case of soul-rot.

Oh no.

I don't want soul-rot!

I also don't want to get punched.

Oh, relax, Hank.

Brent's not going to--

Wanda makes a strong point, Hank,

so to save our friendship,

I will punch you square in the face.

Aw, dammit.

Okay.

Put 'er there, pal.

Make it quick.

Oh, no, no.

Not now.

Not tonight,

but someday...

soon...

and you'll never know when it's coming.

[group]: Here's to fall 'n' friends!

Yeah, hard to believe Wes passed away.

Wes is dead?

Since when?

I thought that's what you were toasting.

You said "fallen" friends.

We were saying "fall" and "friends",

like autumn and camaraderie.

But sure, Wes was a good guy.

We all have our favourite Wes memories.

Hey, Wes.

Gimme a case of Pil.

A 26 of gin, please.

Purse-sized vodka.

Tequila grande, por favor!

Did I leave my gloves in here?

Yep...

great guy, ol' Wes.

Yeah, when he wasn't stealing your gloves.

I heard he barely left anything for his widow.

How does a guy

who ran a liquor and insurance store

not have any life insurance?

Someone call Alanis

and tell her that's ironic.

Good lord, that was the '90s.

Get over it already!

Is-- Is that...

That's Shirley.

She's a huge Alanis fan.

Even dresses like her.

So, to be clear,

you're saying that is not Alanis Morissette.

In my legal opinion, no.

Well, I'm just glad Oscar and I

have a good life insurance policy.

Life insurance?

I cancelled that.

Without discussing it with me?

We're discussing it now.

Life insurance is a scam.

Now if you want to kill me in my sleep,

maybe you'll think twice.

Twice at the most.

We should have a fundraiser for Wes' widow.

We should?

Well, of course.

Isn't that how things work in a small town?

Then it's settled.

[enthusiastically] To Wes' widow!

[all flatly] To Wes' widow.

-Oh, sure. -Yeah.

-Well, I guess so. -Widow.

[♪♪♪]

Ugh.

These new uniforms are so thick and starchy,

they're practically Lacey's soup of the day.

Yours bugging you too?

No. I gotta pee.

[sighs] Fine. I'll pull over and you can go in the ditch.

Isn't that the best part of being a guy?

That, and the higher pay for no particular reason.

[sighs] Why is this taking so long?

I can't go with you talking to me.

I didn't realize you had such a shy bladder.

Do you realize you're still talking to me?

Go off into those trees, then.

Unless you're scared a squirrel might catch a peek.

[unzips]

[goes]

[chitters]

Hey. Brent here?

I don't know. Probably.

He owns the joint.

He's gonna pop out from behind something

and punch me square in the face,

isn't he?

Here's hoping.

Morning, Hank.

Ahh!

Bit jumpy, aren't you?

Yeah, you would be too if you knew

your best friend was gonna punch you in the face

at any moment.

Oh yeah. I forgot about that.

Ah, well... all in good time.

No need to rush into these things when--

[gasps] Aah!

Relax.

I was just reaching for a bag of chips.

Ah, you're just trying to freak me out.

No, I'm not.

Now, just lean in a bit,

because my new puppet, Mr. Fister,

wants to tell you a secret.

Heya, Hank.

Give us a kiss.

Forget it, Fister!

[footsteps recede]

[chuckles]

This is working out wonderfully.

Yeah, except you might want to change the name

of Mr. Fister.

Why? It rhymes.

Jeez, how long does it take to...

Davis!

Let's go!

Are you having zipper trouble, or--

Oop!

An old-fashioned booze still?

Yep. Rum, I think.

[slurps]

So you're just helping yourself?

Had to fire it up to see if it works.

Not illegal unless it works.

I guess that makes sense.

You might want to get up.

That's right around where I peed.

I can't believe Oscar cancelled our life insurance.

Now I have to re-apply.

What if he drops dead before then?

What if, Heaven forbid,

you go before Oscar?

I've never been lucky that way.

Hey, how are the fundraising ideas

coming along

for Wes' widow?

All the good fundraising ideas have been done in town.

Dunk tank to help drought victims!

Bake sale to fight diabetes!

Barn burning

to raise money for a barn raising!

I don't get how burning a barn even raises money.

It's complicated.

The fundraisers all seem a little weirdly ironic,

don't you think?

You know what would be ironic?

A double murder in a small town with no witnesses!

Not really.

Dammit! [slam, sigh]

Anyway...

I'll probably just end up doing a 50/50 draw.

50/50 draw?

Those are a scam!

Everything's a scam to you.

Lacey, I'll gladly give you a hand

if it'll help Wes' widow and annoy Oscar.

Well, that's great!

Oh, we can do three tickets for five bucks,

or 20 bucks for an arm's length.

Offer not available to Long-Arm Charlie.

[yells] Why not?

Oof! [dishes crash]

Oh, hi, Emma.

Hi, Fitzy.

We're raising money to help Wes' widow.

You bet!

Anything I can do to help out a widow.

So you'd donate money to me if Oscar died?

Hang on, it sounds like this is for you.

I was just asking.

This feels like a trap.

You mean you'd help her but not me?

Because that's what it sounds like!

I'm burning up in this stupid uniform.

I think it's asbestos!

If it's asbestos, you can't burn, genius!

I'm going to town for some bottles.

What do we need bottles for?

We need to do a proper inventory

of exactly how much illegality is going on here.

Why don't I go into town for the bottles,

and you stay here and test the rum

to see what proof it is?

Because a higher proof makes it more illegal.

Nice work, rookie.

One... two... three...

Aah!

Three.

Aah!

And how is this going,

whatever this is that you're doing?

I'm trying to prepare for Brent's punch

by punching myself in the face,

but I'm too good at ducking.

Aah!

Oof! [dishes crash]

Come on!

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Nobody's going to punch you.

Better safe than sorry.

You probably

should build up a good face-callous.

Here, let me draw you a target.

Oh...

A target, huh?

You just gave me a better idea.

Better than punching yourself?

Okay, everyone.

We're starting a 50/50 draw to help Wes' widow.

There's word going around

these 50/50 draws are a Ponzi scheme.

It's not a Ponzi scheme!

It's simple.

If you win, you get 50% of the money.

Don't like those odds.

[sighs] Look, I'll start things off

by buying a wingspan for myself.

Who's next?

Not fair

if you can't even use your own arms!

I heard it's some kind of scheme.

You heard it from him!

Oh!

What are you gonna do?

Just watch.

High-five

if your favourite kind of dog is a chili-cheese dog.

I heard that!

Ha! You hit me!

Now we're even!

What?

No way. That's not fair!

Fair schmair, buddy boy.

It's all over.

You're my witness, Wanda.

Witness to what?

That was a slap.

She's right.

A slap isn't a punch.

I mean, babies get slapped when they're five seconds old.

You ever see a doctor punch a baby?

Are we doing this, or what?

[gulp]

I can't even imagine it.

No, we're back at square one, like Wanda said.

Well... I didn't say that.

You still owe Hank a punch.

But now Hank owes you a slap.

Oh-ho-ho, baby!

I get to slap that big meaty mug

whenever I want.

This is gonna be great.

It'll be the greatest spectacle in the history of Dog River,

and I shall call it... Slappunchalooza!

[laughs, snorts]

Slap-punch a loser.

Get it?

No.

Yeah, well, you simpleton.

Mm, yep, at least 80 proof.

You've been a naughty boy.

I'm back,

and I brought these.

We don't want our uniforms smelling like booze

when we bring it to the evidence locker.

You're really thinking like a senior officer today,

Karen.

Put this on too.

Why?

It came with the overalls.

...could punch someone too...

[crowd murmuring]

[pounding on door]

[Western movie music and sound effects]

Brent.

Hank.

Lovely weather we're having.

Fair to middling.

Radio was saying

we might get a bit of rain in the... south!

[crowd gasps]

[crowd]: Aww...

You're pointing north.

Just so you know,

I'm not worried about your little slap.

You ever hear the term "slap on the wrist"?

It literally means "a soft, insignificant punishment

doled out by a simpleton in a backward ballcap".

Yeah, well, "punch" means a fruity refreshing drink,

so I'm not worried either.

Papaya!

[crowd gasps]

[crowd]: Aw.

Come on.

You okay, pal? Huh?

We've got adult diapers next door

if you need 'em.

I've got my own.

Wanda, what's this nonsense

about Brent and Hank

and the slapping and the punching?

How'd you hear about that?

From your mass text.

Good.

I was hoping that would work.

It's been fun so far.

Well, it's disrupting town business.

I had to wait five minutes at the Foo Mart

because Won Hu was betting

on who would punch or slap who first.

Who put money on who?

Eventually.

So... people are betting?

Keep 'em coming, boys.

20 on Hank slapping Brent first.

40 says Brent punches that loser.

Yes!

Slappunchalooza! Get it?

Wasting my genius here.

Who's next?

Hey, Wanda, want to buy a 50/50 ticket?

Can't. No cash.

[aggravated sigh]

[♪♪♪]

[counting quietly to self]

[door opens]

Oh, hey, Brent.

You know what I was thinking?

You wish you were taller?

No.

Well, then, I got nothing.

I was thinking

that you should punch Hank in front of the whole town,

make a meal out of it.

Well, I am always intrigued by the notion of a meal,

but I'm having way too much fun toying with Hank's mind,

such as it is.

Come on, we could make it a public boxing match.

Charge for tickets.

Seriously?

I mean, hasn't the boxing trope

been done a thousand times

in every lame sitcom?

Which this is not.

How about, instead of a boxing ring,

we make it a fighting cage?

Ooh, a refreshing new wrinkle.

That's the last one.

Let's bring this load back to the station

and wrap this case up.

Wait!

Um...

don't these bottles need labels?

Something that indicates what the evidence is

and which hero officer seized it?

I'll go make some labels.

You are sharp as a tack today!

[quietly] Good thing you aren't.

Wanda, how'd you build this so fast?

Dunno.

Lately I feel unrestrained

by the limitations of real life.

Well, I need to sell my 50/50 tickets,

so I hope people show up.

Don't worry.

They will.

[wind whooshes]

[rustling]

[Lacey]: Wow.

How did you know they'd come?

It's a sporting event.

In a cornfield.

Don't make me say it.

[crowd buzzing with excitement]

Ladies and gentlemen!

Welcome to the first annual Dog River Slappunchalooza!

[crowd goes quiet]

Did you all sleep through the '90s?

Fine.

In this corner,

weighing in

at less than a 10-year-old girl with food poisoning,

Hank "The Septic Tank" Yarbo!

[crowd shouts excitedly]

Hey!

Suck it up, jackass.

I've got 20 riding on you slapping Brent first.

But if I slap first, that'll make him mad,

and he'll punch me harder.

Hope so.

I got 50 riding on that.

And in this corner,

weighing in

at "Let's go swimming but keep our t-shirts on",

Brent "The Cement" Leroy.

The Cement?

I can't tell if that's an insult or not,

but the t-shirt thing was, right?

Assume it is.

Use the rage,

and remember to keep your chin up

and your wallet open.

Wallet open?

Want to buy some 50/50 tickets?

I'm kind of busy right now.

[frustrated sigh]

All right, no one leaves the cage

until someone has been slapped or punched.

I might need to see several slaps

and multiple punches

before I can call a winner,

so get in there and mix it up!

All right, this has gone far enough.

How about you slap me first and I'll let you win?

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Mr. Fister?

Wow. That does sound wrong.

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight...

Looks like we're going to be here a while.

Last one.

Let's get these loaded up in the car

and back to the station.

Damn!

I mean, damn fine work.

"Sergeant Davis' Spiced Evidence"?

Uh-oh.

That could be copyright infringement.

Maybe you should redo the labels.

Like, back to square one.

I'll wait here.

[banjo tune plays]

Answer your phone.

Davis here.

Davis, get the squad car over here.

We need some lights and sirens to spice up this lame-o fight!

[crowd]: Fight! Fight! Fight!

What?

I can't hear you

with everyone yelling "Fight! Fight! Fight!"

There's a fight, in a cage, in the cornfield!

Understood!

Oscar has mice full of rage on his windshield.

What?

Let's go!

Angry mice.

You go first.

It's getting hot out here.

No.

You know the saying.

Punch before slap is total crap.

Slap before punch, then we get lunch.

This isn't a fight.

It's practically a hug.

Somebody needs to fight somebody.

That a challenge?

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Huh...

Bare-knuckle fighting in a cornfield?

Even worse.

Someone's breaking the law.

Lacey!

I'm shutting down

your Nigerian email shell game con!

That's not even a thing.

Hey, Davis,

10 bucks says

Brent falls asleep standing up.

Ooh!

I'll take that bet.

Oh, sure.

I can't sell 50/50 tickets, but you can still gamble?

Still.

Still!

We left the still unsupervised!

So?

Whoever owns it could come back and hide it.

I'm going to go get it.

It won't fit.

The trunk's full of rum.

So? Unload it.

You're not going to help me?

Someone has to keep an eye on that swindler Lacey.

How far away do you think I am?

[grunts]

Ooh-hoo, refreshments.

I'll give you 20 bucks for a bottle.

I can't sell you confiscated booze.

That's illegal.

Well, it's not like you're in uniform.

How about you give it to me

and I make donation to the police fund?

Huh?

That does sound less illegal.

[laughing and chatting]

I know...

Pretty good...

I don't think we're the centre of attention

anymore.

What say we make this a little more interesting?

You mean bet on ourselves?

I meant take our pants off.

Oh.

No.

All right, here you go.

Enjoy.

Please don't tell me you sold all the bootleg rum,

because I'm, like, 60 to 30% sure that's illegal.

Is it illegal

if the money buys us

new cotton/bamboo-blend uniforms?

Besides,

everyone loves Sergeant Davis' Spiced Evidence.

They do? All right!

[Hank]: Oh, that cloud looks like a bunny.

That one looks like two bunnies.

Oh yeah!

What are they doing to each other?

Hey, nimrods.

Wrap this up!

Even I'm bored now.

Uh, yeah, we're still fuzzy on the rules.

Okay.

Well, how about this?

Whoever hits the other person first

will get rum and a snack.

If we hit each other at the same time,

can we both get rum and a snack?

Mm... For a soft guy, you drive a hard bargain.

[knuckles crack]

[♪♪♪]

[crowd gasps]

The hell?

It's a draw!

A draw?

What does that mean?

No one bet on a draw,

so it means the bookie keeps the cash.

[crowd groans]

What? This fight was as much of a shakedown

as your 50/50 thing!

Aw, you people suck.

Next round of rum is on me!

-Yeah! -Yeah!

Oh, sure,

you like ol' Long-Arm Charlie now, don't ya?

Karen! Davis!

Wes' widow.

Someone stole my... art installation

from the woods!

Can you describe it?

Well, it's rusty metal,

and it stands on four legs

with a funnel and a spout and...

Does this art installation in the woods

make rum?

Why would an art installation make...

Oh.

Fine.

Yes, I had a rum still.

It was my inheritance when Wes died.

He said booze is better than life insurance.

It's fun insurance.

Well, it's a shame

we'll never find the dirty handsome punks

who stole it.

Let's go, Karen.

Wait, what's in your trunk?

Nothing... dead body.

Really?

What's in the bottles?

Vitamin water.

In other news,

the police fund had a big year for donations,

and we'd like to give you...

this much money!

You raised these funds for me?

Hey, I'm the one who organized the fundraiser,

and we're doing the draw right now.

Emma, how much did you raise?

Let me count.

Nothing.

You didn't sell one ticket?

Why not?

I'm talking hypothetically.

If Oscar died, would you give me money?

Would how he died make a difference?

Wood chipper...

Brutal and bloody.

How much can I put you down for?

I don't know.

People are cheap.

Oh, fine, we'll go with what I sold,

and the winning ticket for the charity draw

for Wes' widow...

I have a name, you know.

...is 000 000 003.

Oh! That's me! I won!

Yay!

I mean, you're the only one who bought a ticket,

but whoo-hoo!

Whatever.

10 bucks is 10 bucks!

Yeah, but you're going to donate your half

to the widow,

what's-her-name.

That's what everybody does when they win a 50/50.

That defeats the whole purpose.

If I give her my share, it's a total...

Oh.

I told you it was a scam.

You guys are the best.

Yeah.

Even Wanda raised money for you.

She did?

She sure did.

Even the cash

she's currently stuffing in her bra.

Anyone want to buy a fighting cage?

I suppose I could use it for the chickens.

[all clucking]

Yep...

we should be safe from the chickens

in here.

Why do they hate us?

They hate our freedom.

This is great.

There's enough money here

to replace Wes' rum still

and re-open the insurance agency!

So I'll be able

to get a new life insurance policy

before Oscar dies a horrible, grisly death.

I'm doing what now?

Yet again, stealthy Hank-o-potamus

steals the delicious marble from the ancient Brent-o-saurus.

So now I'm an old dinosaur?

I win!

Whoo-hoo!

Great.

Now we have to wait for Wanda to--

[shriek, crash, stomp]

And that wraps that up.

[♪♪♪]

♪ I don't know

♪ The same things

♪ You don't know

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just don't know

♪ Whooo

♪ It's a great big place

♪ Whooo

♪ For nothin' but space

♪ Whooo

♪ It's my happy place ♪