Original subtitles

Previously on "Broke..."

My family used to be just me and my mom.

Until one day the doorbell rang.

It was my mom's sister Aunt Lizzie...

- Hi there! - Jackie, it is us!

...her husband Tío Javi, and Luis.

Who is Luis, you ask?

Luis is my assistant, my driver,

but more importantly, my friend.

Tío Javi messed up and lost all his money,

so he and Aunt Lizzie had to move in with us,

which is great because now the house is loud and busy and fun,

and I hope it stays that way.

I haven't been this hot

since we accidentally summered in Abu Dhabi.

It is a little warm in here.

Jackie!

Can we please turn on the air conditioning?

It is on. It just doesn't work when it's hot outside.

Have you thought about getting it fixed?

No, Javi.

I have never considered that.

But thank you for such a wonderful idea.

Well, happy to help.

I believe she was being sarcastic.

Ah. Well, it is a testament to your strong will

that you won't let the heat dampen

your sharp sense of humor.

Look, I would love to get the AC fixed, but it's expensive.

Unless you guys have money just lying around.

You know damn well that we lost all of our money

and have to live in this godforsaken hellhole,

you...

It appears the heat has made me irritable.

Lizzie, don't you remember what Dad used to say?

"When you come to visit me in prison,

bring Kit Kats and shower shoes"?

Also, "There is no problem

that a little Dixon ingenuity and duct tape can't fix."

Sammy?

Ladies and gentlemen, Sammy and I

have rigged a fan, a bucket of ice

and a chute that blows cold air.

Introducing... The Chair Conditioner.

This is the happiest I've ever felt in my entire life.

What about our wedding day?

Oh, you're right. This is better.

No!

- All right, Lizzie, give it. - No.

- Well, you're being selfish. - Yeah, well, being selfish is my brand.

- You're hogging it. - No, I don't care.

Back off!

Great. They broke it.

Yes. It appears the chute has hit the fan.

Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com

Oh, that's the stuff.

Oh, yeah, that is icy.

Brrr.

- What are you guys doing? - Trying to put mind over matter,

so we're scrolling through pictures

- of cold things. - Yeah.

Oh, look. Amir and Sandra just posted a picture.

They're in town while one of their castles

is getting renovated.

I put them in touch with a great moat guy. Yeah.

- We haven't seen them since Monte Carlo. - Yeah.

Oh, those were the days.

- Oh, yes. - Champagne.

- Caviar, lobsters, oyster, urchin. - Oh.

Oh, crab. Don't forget the crab.

May I remind you, that night at the casino,

you lent the two of them quite a bit of money.

Oh, did we?

Wait, how much do these two turkeys owe you?

No, only Amir's from Turkey.

Sandra is from Boston.

It would be indiscreet of me

to say the exact amount out loud.

So I will whisper it.

They owe you that much?

Okay, you two need to get off your asses

and go get that money back.

Yes. Yes, we will just ask them.

Using words.

That we say with our mouth.

Jackie,

talking about money is like paying income tax.

It's not something rich people do.

Well, I have great news for you.

You're not rich anymore.

Well, that's not great new... Ah.

I'm adjusting to your quick wit.

Look, I haven't gotten a raise in who knows how long,

and everything around here needs to be fixed,

so go get your money back.

Oh, no, we can't. None of our friends know

that we are financially, uh...

What's the phrase our bankers used?

In the crapper.

And we need to keep it that way.

How do people not know you're broke?

Well, we told our friends

that we were jet-setting around the world,

and now Sammy has been helping us keep up appearances

by handling our online presence

and photoshopping our Instagram.

It's been fun. Take a look.

Oh, look. There we are

in Paris.

- Ooh, there we are skiing. - Mm-hmm.

Oh, and there we are on safari.

What happened to you, Lizzie?

Where's the fourth grader that slapped Joey Aurora

because he borrowed lunch money

and didn't pay it back with interest?

Okay, I'm not Loan Shark Lizzie anymore.

I'm more sophisticated.

Oh, please. You act all high and mighty,

like you're totally ashamed

- to be from Reseda. - Hey.

I'm ashamed the appropriate amount.

You know what your problem is?

- She's a loud chewer. - She's a loud chewer.

You refuse to change in any way.

You're way too Reseda.

Maybe I'm like this 'cause I am the only person

even trying to keep this house afloat.

Well, you don't have to be so harsh.

Your first instinct is to just yell and lob insults.

Yeah, well,

your fancy accent is really inconsistent!

And she's wrong.

I'm not harsh.

You do answer every phone call,

"Somebody better be dead."

Who calls anybody anymore?

Oh, my love, I hate seeing you like this.

What if we approach this a different way?

What do you have in mind?

What if we don't ask Amir and Sandra directly?

What if we dance around the topic?

No. Just tell them you want your money back.

No, Javi's plan is good.

Dancing around things is how wealthy people

discuss all uncomfortable topics.

The key is to be indirect.

So, for instance,

if a friend had plastic surgery, we would never just ask them.

Right. We would say something like, "Your face looks amazing.

Have you been working out?"

So you're saying that rich people

are afraid of having real conversations.

Now you're getting it.

- So, what's the plan? - Well,

we dance.

We recreate

the night at the casino, but this time we're the ones

without any cash.

So, we go

to the hotel, and we "accidentally" run

into Amir and Sandra.

Then we dance around the uncomfortable topic, which,

in this case, happens to be money.

We jog their memory, and they get the idea to repay us

without finding out that we have lost all of our money.

It's a stupid plan and it'll never work.

It got you to replace

your hideous green bathrobe.

What? That was totally my idea.

Was it?

Everything on this menu is so expensive.

I know. I feel like I can finally breathe again.

Oh, what are you doing?

- We can't afford another round. - Oh, shoot.

I just haven't had a good martini in so long,

and poor, little Sammy, bless his heart,

can't seem to make them right.

Heavy hand with the vermouth.

Hmm.

It's Amir and Sandra.

Not them. False alarm.

Javi,

maybe we should just swallow our pride and tell them the truth.

Sweetheart, I don't want anyone to know

that we have lost our money.

It will be so embarrassing to me.

But isn't this whole dance thing embarrassing?

I mean, we self-parked.

It's for a little bit.

I mean, feel the AC in here.

We could have that at home.

You're right. We need this money.

- Yeah. - Let's dance.

Just remember, the most important thing

is to act completely natural.

Otherwise, they might get suspicious when...

Amir, Sandra!

Small world. What are you two doing here?

- Ah, the conference. - The gala.

- The gala. - The conference.

It's a conference about galas.

Oh. It's called Gala-Con.

You've heard of it.

Ah. Is there anything sweeter

than an unexpected night off?

I wouldn't know because I am working my ass off.

Speaking of...

Hey.

The soda gun is broken,

half the tables are wobbly, and the toilet's clogged.

I am not going in the men's bathroom, Derek.

It's the women's bathroom, Jackie.

Welcome to 2020.

Chicks can blow up a toilet, too.

Why don't you hire a plumber to fix that

and let me do my actual job?

Because that would cost money,

and you already dress like a plumber.

Derek sucks.

But he is the manager, and his mom owns the bar.

She's made it very clear

that he's in charge even if he's a moron.

Those were her words, not mine.

They would be mine as well.

I'm so sick of being taken advantage of.

It's like, I do all the work.

I haven't gotten a raise in... forever.

That is not right.

With inflation and cost of living increases...

You got to stay liquid.

That's the only financial term I know.

Plus, now you have extra people

living in your house.

I think maybe it is time you follow your own advice.

Be direct and ask Derek for a raise.

I don't know.

That could backfire.

And also, Lizzie's kind of gotten in my head.

Maybe I am a little harsh.

You're not harsh. You're a passionate woman

with a large capacity for insults.

But it's important

to know that you are valued.

You're right. Maybe I could try

Javi and Lizzie's dumb little dance thing.

Are you sure? It's not exactly your style.

No, no, no.

I bet I could trick that sniveling little butt wipe

into thinking giving me a raise is something he farted out.

Maybe don't use any of those words.

It's so nice to see you guys.

It's been way too long.

When was the last time we saw each other?

- Hmm, not sure. - Hmm.

Well, if I were to guess, I would say

Monte Carlo, November 11, 2018... ish.

Oh, look.

A picture of that night just came up on my phone.

I'll say it.

We might look great there,

but we all look way better now.

Especially Elizabeth.

Your face looks amazing.

Have you been working out?

I haven't worked out a day in my life.

I believe we went

to a casino that night, and...

- Oh, my God! - King crab!

I hope you don't mind. We took the liberty

of ordering a seafood tower.

Mmm.

Excuse us. We, uh, we've been on a crab cleanse

the past few months.

That must have been hard to stick to in Tokyo.

Well, you guys posted that great pic of your trip on Instagram.

- Tokyo. - Mm.

Yes, of course.

We've been

to so many places lately, it's just hard to keep track.

Oh, I know what you mean. We travel so much,

sometimes it's hard to know where we are.

Oh, I'm sure

Elizabeth knows where we are.

Didn't you grow up around here? Beverly Hills?

More or less.

Reseda.

Some say it's the Beverly Hills of the deep west Valley.

We can't even tell.

And kudos to you

for not letting your upbringing drag you down.

I think that calls

- for more champagne. - Agreed.

And don't worry, Javi, we've learned our lesson.

We won't fight you for the bill.

Oh, no, you can fight me a little.

Monte Carlo, you say?

Yes, that was a wild night, huh?

I vaguely remember somebody...

giving somebody something.

I remember.

You guys gave us...

...the best recommendation for caviar.

You know, let me see if they have it.

Shall I get us two orders?

Only if you're paying.

Javi, you're such a jokester.

I'm definitely joking.

Oh, hey, Derek.

Whatever it is, make it quick,

because I accidentally ate the food we serve here.

I just...

wanted you to know that I see how hard you work.

And it's kind of...

- it's just... - Inspiring.

Inspiring.

What's your angle?

No angle. I just appreciate

how hard you work running this place.

You know, I do work hard,

and sometimes it's tough to tell,

because the cologne I use smells like weed.

But... I just think

it's important that people like us are rewarded

and recognized for the hard work that we do.

You know what? You just gave me a great idea.

I'm gonna fire a busboy and give myself a raise.

Hey, Donnie?

Can I talk to you for a second, bud?

Much like your dancing at Javier and Elizabeth's wedding,

that had a lot of unexpected turns.

That just totally backfired.

Just ask him for a raise.

It's not like you to avoid confrontation.

I once saw you drive three exits out of your way

to give the finger to someone who cut you off.

Yeah, but...

this is different.

Because Derek is not an old nun?

No.

It's just that I need this job.

And if I get in a fight with Derek, then I could lose it.

You know, there is a way to be direct

and not lose your cool.

With Derek? I don't think so.

Jackie,

let me tell you a story.

It's about a young boy

who grew up with dreams of becoming a famous actor.

Day after day, he practiced his craft,

but he never put himself out there,

because he was scared of failing.

What happened to him?

He ended up as the personal assistant

to a very wealthy man.

And he's miserable.

Luis, it's not too late.

If you want to be an actor, go follow your dream.

What? No, I'm talking about my brother Pascual.

He's the assistant to a real jerk.

I love my life.

It is literally the best.

- This isn't working. - I know.

I think we should just take Jackie's advice

and ask them for the money.

Right, but can we do it without letting them know

that we have lost all of our money?

We can try.

Okay. Which one of us will ask?

Yeah!

I'm sorry, honey. Good game, good game.

Sandy and I were thinking

maybe we'd have dessert in the Presidential Suite.

The chocolate tart is the best in the city.

Before we do, we wanted to ask you something.

The last time we saw you,

you two were a bit light on cash

and we lent you some money.

And, what, you're asking for it back?

We are.

That's kind of crass.

I guess she hasn't completely left Reseda behind.

You're talking as if you're broke or something.

That's because we are.

I can't believe we've been dancing

around you owing us money all night,

because I was so afraid of what you might think

if you found out that we are broke.

And my wife has stuck by my side

through all of this,

because she's the most amazing person I know.

And, yes, she's from Reseda,

and she's damn proud of it.

Well...

Okay, mostly okay with it.

And because I have her...

I'm the richest person in the world.

So you can take your judgment...

y te lo puedes meter por las nalgas

hasta que lo escupas y te lo vuelvas a meter

por las nalgas. ¿Cómo la vez, Amir?

And in case you don't speak Spanish, that means:

Give us our freakin' money now!

You can't expect me to have that kind of cash on me.

Hey, hey, what are you looking at her for, huh?

Eyes up here. She can't help you now.

I just have my walking-around money.

Well, walk it over here.

Fine, take it.

Come on, Sandra.

By the way, your moat guy sucks.

You were amazing!

- Oh, yes. - Oh, Javi, I'm sorry

that everyone's gonna know we're broke.

Well, it was bound to come out sooner or later.

It feels so good to no longer be living a lie.

Ay, ay, ay.

I got this.

Oh, garçon?

Bonsoir.

Uh, we'd like to put this on our room.

We're staying in the Presidential Suite.

Little something I learned from growing up in Reseda.

- Hey, Derek. - What do you need?

I got my hands full. I mean...

I am very busy.

I just need a moment of your time.

Okay.

One moment. Go.

As you know, I've been here a long time.

I work super hard, and I'm feeling undervalued.

Wait. Are you asking for a raise?

I am.

I'm sorry, but things are really tight here right now.

I just had to let a busboy go.

Come on. This place would literally fall apart without me.

I would love to help you out, but...

your moment's over.

You know I deserve a raise.

I don't know anything.

Damn right you don't.

Now pay me what I'm worth.

Or what?

You gonna quit?

Yeah.

Yeah. If you don't give me a raise

before I walk out that door,

that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Are you sure about that?

I've never been more sure about anything in my entire life.

I mean it.

You're never gonna see me again.

Did you say something?

I did not.

- I feel terrible. - I shouldn't have pushed you.

- It's all my fault. - No. It isn't.

And I was able to walk out of there with my head held high.

You did cry an awful lot on the car ride home.

With my head held high.

And I'm really proud of you guys.

I know how hard it was for you to ask for money.

I know you said you were on your own here,

but you're not.

Thanks, Lizzie.

- Oh, it's too hot for that. - Ugh. Like hugging a damp rag.

Yeah.

What are you doing here?

Mitzi.

My turd of a son...

Not cool, Mom.

Let me finish, honey.

My turd of a son has something he wants to say to you.

You are incredibly important to us,

and we want you to feel valued, so we'd like to offer you

a five percent... a ten percent...

a seven percent raise.

And that came from the heart, so what do you say?

I guess I could deal with that.

Good. Now, come on, Derek, we're going home.

You said we could stop at Jamba Juice.

That was just to get you in the car.

Yeah!

- Congratulations! - That was fantastic!

I was right to push you. The raise is all because of me.

Excuse me.

The heat has made me say what I'm actually thinking.

Come, Jackie. Sit down and cool off.

I thought the AC guy wasn't coming till tomorrow.

Well, after the thrill of what happened last night,

we couldn't sleep, so we made...

Love like two sea otters in perfect harmony.

Gross.

And... we made this.

Sammy, is it ready?

Introducing

The Chair Conditioner: Family Edition!

Ah.

Oh.

This is the best day of my life.

What about the day I was born?

You're right, this is better.