Original subtitles

Previously on "Black Monday"...

Roger!

So you're really going all in, huh?

Bought the ring, closed on the house.

So I hear you're having a little cash flow problem.

What would you say if you could fix it

by working with Blair's most hated rivals in the process?

You gotta sell your soul.

If Pfaffashions goes public without a hitch,

KokoMo Co Records stays yours.

To you gettin' out of the clink.

Mo! You came!

There's something I've been dying to ask you.

- Can it wait? - Hmm? What?

We've done enough talking. Get your ass in here.

This is a story about control.

My control.

Control of what I say.

Control of what I do.

And this time, I'm gonna do it my way.

I hope you enjoy this as much as I do.

Are we ready?

I am.

'Cause it's all about control.

And I've got lots of it.

What the fuck?

Guys, gather 'round.

Quick! Quick! Quick!

The only thing I ever wanna see you eating

is me out.

Did you hear that, Jonathan?

Is this a joke?

A moment on the lips,

a lifetime on the hips.

You look like shit.

Ladies, perfect.

Gentlemen, you could take a cue.

Eyes down here.

We have Topless Tuesdays coming up...

... and you're not ready.

Mmm... ugh.

This caviar tastes like dick.

- Speaking of... - Hey, Tiff.

I don't know how to say this, but...

Sound it out, dummy.

Sound... it...

... out!

- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -

What the hell are you doing here, Keith?

Oh, me?

What am I... doing here?

What am I doing here?

What am I doing...

here?

- That's what we... - That's what we asked.

What are you doing here?

It's simple. I'm here...

to clean this fucking place up!

Which I realize is confusing

based on the mess I just made.

Point is, old Keithy is finally in charge now,

and it's about goddamn time.

Seriously, Tiff, I really need...

Shut the fuck up, pretty boy.

Pfaffashions goes public in 12 weeks!

It's my job to make this

the hottest piece of ass...

I have ever seen,

that Wall street has ever seen,

financially speaking,

so I'm here to trim the fat.

You're a little late for that

'cause we just had that conversation.

Thanks, but no thanks.

We keep it pretty tight around here... most of us.

Oh, you're keeping it tight?

With your Dom and your caviar.

You don't know what tight is.

I am gonna show you...

the tightest thing you have ever...

- What's happening? - ... experienced in your life.

Okay, all that to say

we are not gonna waste another single cent

on fuckin' big...

buffets...

and that smoking-hot...

chafing dishes, okay?

The fuck are you talking about?

I don't know, okay?

Look, I practiced this at home

last night in front of the mirror.

I did not expect to be surrounded

by a bunch of fucking Playgirl Buddies.

Guys, you gotta listen...

- Shh! - Zip.

Tiff, you said the IPO was gonna be a great thing for us.

I know, and it is.

- Let me handle this, Corkie. - Okay. I'm getting worried.

Listen here, Queef.

This is our business, and you're not the boss.

Au contraire. I am the boss.

Why don't you peruse that contract

you signed with Leighman Brothers

when you decided to go public?

'Cause it's gonna tell you, you answer to me.

- What? - Look, Tiff, you gotta listen...

What is it, Giancarlo?

Blair's been shot, and he's in a coma!

I... oh, God.

Huh. Was not expecting that.

I have to go to the hospital right now.

And as much as I wanna continue

this really important conversation,

I have to get by Blair's bedside.

Of course. Go.

It's times like these...

... that make you realize, like, how unimportant

things like money or saving money really are.

Mmm.

Fuck you, God!

I don't know when I'm coming back!

Blair!

Dawny.

Dawn, Dawn, Dawn, Dawn.

Dawn-Dawn.

Dawn-Dawn Dawn-Dawn-Dawn-Dawn.

God damn.

Talk about crust issues.

That side. What is that?

All right, let's get that.

You looking nice for the moment coming.

- Yo, what's up?! - Okay... shit!

Calm down! What the fuck?

- It's Mo. It's Mo. - Oh...

- Don't run up on me like that. - All right.

My cellmate used to Jill off to me at night.

"Jill off"?

That's a weird term.

So that's like jacking off for a girl?

- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.

Portable X-ray, ER bay one.

Portable X-ray, ER bay one.

Blair.

Blair.

Blair?

It's Roger. Can you hear me?

Hi, you.

Blair, oh, my God.

How are you?

Not so hot.

Unlike you.

You're hot.

Yeah, it's good to see you too.

I got shot.

Can you believe that?

Roger...

I'm sorry, I didn't mean for things

to end the way they did.

Where did it go so wrong?

That's what I'm here to help you figure out.

Oh, I... I need that. Ow!

Um, I don't know if you are actually qualified to make...

there goes the catheter!

Come on, Big B.

Wait, wait, wait. Am I dead?

Not yet.

Oh...

Oh...

Man, I've been dreaming of all the shit

I was gonna get up to my first day out.

- Right? - Yeah.

Like a horse-drawn carriage...

... or maybe a nice picnic in Central Park,

or hey, let's shoot up to the top

of the Empire State Building, huh?

Look out over everything you've been missing.

- Uh, no. - No?

I just got out of prison,

not a plane from Arizona.

I wanna fuckin' party!

What happened to you, Mo?

Nothing happened to me, okay?

Mo can party with the best of them.

I got the arrests to prove it,

both cardiac and otherwise.

Okay, good, so look, let's call your coke guy, tell him

to meet us at the club with two eight balls,

a bib, and a diaper, 'cause tonight,

I am gonna make you puke and duke.

Classic.

- Oh, speaking of classics... - Hmm.

... why don't we start off by going by Cedar Tavern?

For old times' sake, you know what I mean?

We can get a nice base going, talk about whatever, whatever,

and then we'll hit the club to celebrate

you getting out of prison.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Yeah. I don't wanna be Bias'd. - Biased?

You mean biased against my plan?

No, uh, Len Bias'd.

You know, I don't wanna come out the gate too hard,

- and then I might... - Oh... my God.

You did get hard in prison, didn't you?

Sure enough. Our open mic night was violent.

Christ.

Actually, yeah.

Let's grab a bite first.

But they got olives and cherries and shit

at Cedar Tavern.

No, I want real food. I'm fucking starving.

Okay, no, this'll still work. Tell you what.

We'll go by the Russian Tea Room,

grab some to go, then head up to the park,

- spread a nice blanket, and... - Nigga.

What are we, fucking teddy bears?

Why do you keep trying to have a picnic so bad?

I-I just want your first meal on the outside

to be nice, memorable, you know?

Whatever. Fuck a nice meal.

All I ate was five-star shit in the joint.

Jesus. But you know what?

You know what I was craving really bad?

A hot dog from that cart outside the Jammer Group.

Come on, it's right around the corner.

Great. This'll still work.

We'll grab a bottle, a couple of dogs,

uh, find a nice bench somewhere.

Like a picnic?

Yeah, sure, like a picnic. Let's do that.

What the fuck don't you get?

I'm not eating on the goddamn ground with you.

I said a bench!

Since when is a bench the fu... fuck it.

- Jesus! - It's gonna be a great day.

Yeah, it is, if you'd fucking let a picnic go!

What the fuck? It's my parents.

You don't have to whisper, Blair, they can't hear you.

What is this?

Well, it's like I said, I'm here to help you

figure out where it all went wrong.

Oh, I get it.

It's like Scrooge McDuck.

Or that movie Scrooged.

Or my favorite episode of Family Ties.

Or the Charles Dickens classic, A Christmas Carol,

that those are based on.

Ugh, we get it, you read.

God, it's so real.

I can even smell my mom's old lasagna.

I used to love that stuff.

Have a bite.

I can do that?

Do you know what date this is from, exactly?

Because at a certain point, my dad's dinners

started having an added ingredient

that I'm sort of allergic to.

The glass you shaved into his food until he died?

Yeah, that's it.

For what it's worth, he fucking deserved it.

It doesn't matter. You can't get hurt here.

Well, I mean, if he's not gonna finish it.

Hey, Dad, I won my a cappella competition!

How about a sport?

Fuck this. I'm outta here.

Wait, Blair, it's important

you try to remember how you felt.

Yeah, I remember. Trust me.

Too well.

Quick question, Roger.

I can fly anywhere in the world right now, right?

Like, throughout all of history and into the future,

and no one can see or hear me?

And I can eat whatever I want, and do whatever I want,

and there's no consequences whatsoever?

Well, yes, technically, but that doesn't solve...

Okay, so let's say I wanted to get some steak frites

at L'Arp�ge in Paris and eat it in,

I don't know, John-John's shower.

I could do that, right?

Sure, but that defeats the purpose of...

Then why in the fuck would I wanna stay here

in my dad's house of horrors?

I think, ideally, the point is you learn a lesson before...

- Bye-bye! - Okay.

Whoo!

He's always such a little bitch.

Welcome to KokoMo Co Records.

So what do you think, Dawn?

Oh, wow. And it's only jazz?

Yeah. Yeah. All jazz.

Hmm, sorry, but to me, jazz always sounds

like someone just shoved a bunch of instruments

- down the stairs. - Hmm.

That's 'cause you have shitty taste in music.

Yeah. And in men.

Oh, fuckin' Spencer, right?

No, I'm telling you,

jazz is gonna make a big comeback,

and I am the guy to find the artists to do it.

Well, the artists better be hot and young,

'cause if it's not on MTV, it's not doing shit,

which sounds a little bit like my life right now.

Oh. Look at my office.

Hey, so Dawn, what... what is your plan?

I don't know. I don't have a clue.

I mean, I spent my entire life busting my ass to get here,

and now, literally,

it's illegal for me to ever trade again.

And I'm a felon.

And I'm...

A disgrace to my entire family.

Oof. That's the trifecta.

Yeah, so I guess I'm kind of playing it by ear.

But come on, Mo.

You don't miss it at all?

Nope.

I'm telling you, us getting kicked off the street

was the best thing that ever happened in our lives, Dawn.

- Trust. - Yeah, well.

We did have some good times, though.

We had some great times. Dawn, we make great partners.

Uh, yeah, well.

Except we weren't partners.

That shit again?

Listen, I wish I could go back, okay?

I would make you my partner.

You were right; I was wrong. I'm sorry.

You know, that's all I ever wanted to hear.

- You really mean it? - Yeah, I mean it.

Dawn, I would do anything to make it up to you.

I would go back and change a bunch of shit if I could

with work and with us.

Trying to do both at the same time

- just fucked 'em both up. - I know.

We need to pick a lane, huh?

We need to pick a lane.

I mean, so if you were to,

you know, pick a lane,

what lane would you pick?

I'm so glad you asked, Momo.

Me too.

- I need a job, you know, bad... - Yeah. Mm-hmm.

... if I'm gonna be able to stay out.

Well, you need a job, you got a job.

Of course, Dawn, I told you,

I'll-I'll do anything... anything to make it right.

You got it.

Oh, Mo, God, you are the best.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

- Oh, thank you. - Yeah.

All right, now, come on, let's go to Cedar Tavern

and get you shit-faced and shit-butt.

You're gonna shit on yourself!

Oh, you're really stuck on the shit thing, huh?

- Oh, yeah. Let's go. - Can't wait.

Keith, Keith, please.

Look into your heart.

You and I share at least one testament, don't we?

You.

- You're fired. - Hey!

You can't do this, Keith.

Thank G-G you're here.

I think I made it abundantly clear

I can do whatever the fuck I want.

And if that means firing

every useless face jock in this joint...

I'm not talking about them, I'm talking about me.

My company credit card was just...

- ... was just... - Oh.

- Tiff. - Ugh.

... was declined.

At Victoria's Secret, yeah.

Do you know how embarrassing it is

to take a thong off that you just said

you were gonna wear out?

It was the worst moment of my life.

Well, your husband was just shot today.

And I thought you were gonna go visit him,

but you went shopping.

The point is, we brought you on to take our company public,

not ruin our lives.

I mean, Chris here has been with Pfaffashions

from the beginning.

Yeah, you can't just throw him out like trash!

Then who's gonna throw out the trash?

Actually, Tiff, let me give you a choice.

Would you rather keep Chris

or keep your company credit card?

Get the fuck outta here, Chris. You heard the boss.

Yeah, that was a test. You failed.

You don't get either.

This is not your personal ATM machine.

His name is Chris.

I meant the company. Ew.

What does that mean?

Ass to mouth.

Oh, Tiff.

I made the accountants aware that,

from now on, you are not authorized

to spend a single cent

unless it's a legitimate business expense.

Case closed. Good night.

Please don't do this to me, Keith.

You can have sex with Chris. He goes hard.

Or Giancarlo! He's my bottom bitch!

Oh, Tiff!

I need a couple of shots of tequila!

You guys celebrating something?

My new freedom and my new job.

- Right, Mo Mo? - Oh, yeah.

Can't wait to start working together again.

I mean, not really working together.

What do you mean?

I mean, I don't plan on actually working at your label.

I just need a company name to satisfy my parole officer.

Being employed is a condition of me staying out, so...

was that not clear?

No, it wasn't clear!

You said, "Pick a lane".

I think we'd both rather walk into a lane of traffic

than ever work together again, am I right?

Yes, you're right. Agreed. I mean, fuck that lane.

So, uh, if my PO calls,

you'll lie and say I work there?

Dawn, of course.

Come on.

Even though you don't work there,

because we both agreed that work is not the lane

that either of us would pick

between the two lanes as discussed.

Oh, God, I missed your crazy ass.

Oh, I missed you, too, Dawn. You have no idea.

Ah, come on, come on. Let's toast.

- To us. - To us.

- Mmm. - Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm!

Can we have two more?

Recently-appointed Congressman

- Dawny. - Oh, my God!

Fuck.

- Blair just got shot! - The fuck?

Remains in a coma...

- Oh! - Oh, shit!

After the assassination attempt.

Sources say he might not make it.

What are you doing down there?

Praying.

Oh, yeah. Blair.

Blair?

Blair?

Roger, you go here?

I've been looking all over creation for you.

Where have you been?

Uh, everywhere.

I watched Bob Fosse choreograph All That Jazz.

That way he fucked around, it should've been called

All That Jizz.

And then I fucked around and got a triple double

at the '91 finals!

And then I fucked most of my high school,

which led to a teensy killing spree.

This was not supposed to be

Blair and Ted's Excellent Adventure.

It was supposed to be a deeply personal journey

through your life so you can learn from your mistakes

in time to save your soul.

Okay, well, it was actually

more like that movie Westworld

than it was like Bill and Ted's,

on account of all the killing and fucking.

But I hear you, and I will learn

all the lessons, Roger.

I promise.

It's just...

I just figured, since I got shot,

it would be okay if I, you know,

had a little fun first.

We have a little fun first.

Dinosaur blood?

The actual cake Marie Antoinette said

"let them eat cake" about?

I mean, it's pretty dry, but it's history!

This has to be against the rules.

Fuck the rules.

I missed you.

This might be our only chance to be together again.

You've been in the shower forever!

Oh, look, look, look!

We're gonna be late, John-John.

That's big, right?

Talk about vote for Kennedy.

I do like history.

Well, then, get over here.

Try this.

A peasant made it.

Hmm.

- Hmm. - Mm-hmm.

I missed this.

Us.

Me too.

And I meant what I said before. I...

I didn't mean for it to end like that.

I didn't wanna hurt you.

I'm sorry, Roger.

I still love you.

Fuck.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

Mm.

Okay. All right, come on. That was nice, though.

No, you... no, you... no!

You've gotta... you can't. What if this is it?

- What if you mean if this it? - What if this is...

How's he gonna fucking know

if I went and said goodbye to him or not?

- He'll know! I'll know! - Get out of there. Fuck!

Hey. Hey, Blair. Buddy.

Aw.

All right, put her there.

Get... you-you hang in there, buddy.

You're gonna be fine.

Bye, Blair!

No, we gotta stop. I can't do this.

Wait, didn't you just do it?

Yes, but that was just to teach you a lesson

- about selfishness. - Hmm.

At some point in your life, you stopped caring

about anybody but yourself.

That's what today was supposed to be about,

you learning that and vowing to change

in a real enough way to earn a chance

to make things right.

Instead, you just yanked it to John-John.

Look! It doesn't fit.

Ugh. Talk about getting off.

I told you, Rog. Pay up.

I still can't believe Nordberg from Naked Gun

killed two people.

No, no, no, it didn't fit.

They must acquit.

Oh, I know, let's go to Brentwood

the night of the murder... double or nothing.

This has to stop.

If you don't wanna learn your lesson,

that's up to you, but I can't be part of it.

- Goodbye, Blair. - Wait, you're right.

I'm ready to learn whatever lesson

I'm supposed to!

I deserve to go to hell.

Been here the whole time.

- Tiff, I want a divorce. - Okay, fine.

I was gone for ten minutes

to get my paws and claws done for your big awakening.

Or your funeral.

But either way, it was for you.

Well, this is for you too.

I'm tired of living a lie.

I'm tired of hurting people.

I-I wanna find someone I can make happy,

and you deserve that too.

- Ooh, they're still wet. - Sorry.

I'm gonna quit my job.

I'm gonna do something I actually like

that makes the world a better place.

So, sorry, this has nothing to do

with me spending your first day in a coma

shopping and at the spa and Honey, I Shrunk the Kids?

'Cause as I say it out loud, it does sound really bad.

- How was that movie? - Oh.

If you live, you have to see it.

- I've always liked Rick Moranis. - I love him.

He has leading man energy.

Big dick energy.

- I love you. - Aw

And I want you to be happy.

And from now on, I'm gonna be good and true

and never do anything selfish again.

There he is. The golden boy.

I was worried for a second, champ.

Who are all these white men?

Oh, only a who's who of the RNC.

I thought the RNC hated me.

They did, until your assassination attempt.

And now you are polling through the roof, sir.

Buckle up, Pfaff.

You're in for a rocket ride to the moon.

Well, unfortunately, you're too late.

I'm quitting politics for good.

And there is nothing you can offer us

that will change that.

How about unlimited power, sex, and money?

- I mean, we can kick it around. - It's worth a conversation.

It's... maybe just a chat.

We're gonna come around to yes.

Oh, jeez.

Hey, be honest with me, Dawn. Did I do that to him?

What? No.

No! He made his choices.

- Yeah. - And shit happens.

Life is about doing what and who you want at all times

because you never know when your time is up.

Hmm.

Ah, shit.

Look, this place is just gonna have to fuckin' do.

Yeah, it has a charm to it.

Besides, all I really need to do

is just get fucked up.

Dawn, Dawn, just listen to me for a second.

I am tired of wasting time.

Right?

Y-you are the closest person in my entire life.

You're like family to me.

Oh, God, Mo, you are my family.

God, I love you.

I love you too.

Which is why I don't wanna keep fucking

wasting all this time trying to be

all these different things for each other

when we should just be focused on being

the one thing that we know we were both meant to be.

Yes.

- A couple... - Friends.

- ... of friends. - Oh, my God.

A couple of friends.

Took the words right out of my mouth.

Yes! I mean...

... it's been staring us in the face

- this whole time. - Mm-hmm.

Uh, point of clarity, though.

Last night, that was...

- Great. Fuckin' amazing. - Yes.

- Fuckin' outstanding. - Yes.

But that's the kind of shit a...

a real couple of friends can do.

You know, that's the benefit of-of friends.

Yeah.

They should come up with a term for that.

Friends with...

- Uh, fucking. - Yes!

Friends with fucking!

- Sure. - God, that's good.

- Mm-hmm. - That's good.

Plus, I just got out of the joint, you know?

It was kinda urgent.

I mean, there was no time to teach some new guy

all the codes when, hey, you already know 'em.

I know the codes.

Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right.

- P, A, P, A. - Pussy, ass, pussy, ass, start.

Finish.

We probably shouldn't do that anymore.

- What? I didn't... - Besides, I don't want you

falling in love with me again.

Who-who needs that?

- Oh, God, this feels great! - Uh-huh.

I mean, I feel so great. I mean, not physically.

- No. - I feel a little queasy.

- Yeah. - But emotionally, I feel great.

Right there, yeah, I'm right there with you.

Oh, God, Mo.

I gotta piss.

Oh, okay. That's cute.

Yeah.

Okay.

? Your lips were like ?

? A red and ruby chalice ?

? Warmer than a summer night ?

Fuck.

? The clouds were like ?

? An alabaster palace ?

? Rising to a snowy height ?

? Each star its own ?

? Aurora borealis ?

? Suddenly, you held me tight ?

? And we saw ?

? The midnight sun ?

Thank you all for being here.

Getting shot has made me realize so many things.

- I wanna try to stand for this. - No, honey.

No. I have to.

- Okay. - Be my legs.

He wants to stand.

I wanna show my would-be assassin that...

... you did not win.

Oh, my.

You did not intimidate me.

Getting shot has made me realize...

so much.

For one...

... it's not that bad.

I mean, ho!

Gah-gah-gah, gah-gah-gah.

Look at me! I'm fine.

Guns are nothing to be afraid of.

And two, this whole thing could have been avoided

if every American had a gun,

which is why I am dedicating the rest of my career

to gun control, specifically...

the abolishment of it!

Hey, what in the literal fuck is going on?

$1 million went missing from the company last night.

I know it was you.

I just don't know how you did it.

Did you know political donations

are a legitimate business expense?

And while politicians' salaries are quite low,

they can basically use campaign funds

as their own personal ATMs,

and I don't mean ass to mouth.

Oh, Jesus.

Who the fuck is thinking that?

- Some people. - Okay, look.

Did you know

that this little finance fund fraud

- is gonna be a f-failure? - Weak.

And I'd like to thank my wife Tiff and her company

Pfaffashions for kicking off my very first

campaign finance fund

for my reelection.

Thank you.

- I love you, babe. - I love you, babe.

- Babe. - Babe, I love you more.

Babe.

- Whoo! - Ooh, ooh!

Oh! Oh! She got me!

She got me!

If Jesus had a gun, he'd be alive today.

Yeah!

- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -