Original subtitles

Previously on Awkward...

Matty McKibben wanted me to meet him until the closet.

Nobody can know that I like you.

"Jenna, you could disappear, and no one would notice."

Sometimes being a teenager makes you want to die.

- Our daughter is suicidal. - It was a misunderstanding

of epic proportions.

The loser wants us to talk about her.

- That's why she did it. - What is the fascination with me?

Everyone's gonna stare. I might as well go onstage.

You have some serious backbone.

It was the dawn of a new beginning.

My sideshow status as a suicide freak

was about to end, and my creeper gear

was on the verge of retirement. Thank God.

'Cause the high-five fake-out was getting old.

Really old.

For six weeks, I'd fantasized about two things.

My first fantasy involved some intimate touching...

of the elbow.

And my second

was centered on any and all parts of Matty Mckibben.

It wasn't like I was obsessing

or that I'd counted the seven times

I'd caught Matty looking at me since school started.

Eight, if you counted the time I wiped out on the quesadilla.

And I did. It counted.

Okay, maybe I was obsessing. A little.

But it was keeping me from fixating on something

I was trying to forget.

The evil, anonymous care-frontation letter.

It could bite me, and it always did.

"Pull your head out of your ass and stand out."

Standing out was not a problem.

Blending in was the new name of the game,

and I was...

- We're gonna be late! - Ready!

On the count of three. One,

two...

Wait!

Is there anything that we need to be prepared for?

- Like what? - Deformity.

I've heard that sometimes an arm can shrink up to a tenth of its size.

It'll still function, it'll probably look normal in a year.

- A year? - You're scaring her.

It's not like she's gonna have a gimpy baby arm.

Or is that possible?

Worst-case scenario... if it's unsightly,

can we lipo the good arm to match the bad one?

- Mom, stop. You're wigging me out! - I wanna know what all options...

Mrs. Hamilton, can we speak privately?

Distract me. Please.

I brought you a gift!

Are you batshizat?

- Put that away. - I am not aiding and abetting.

It's for her pit. That thing's gonna need some whacking.

You're never gonna see any action, like euro-trash.

Tamara still didn't know I'd seen action when I took a ride

on Matty's joystick at summer camp.

I'd been dying to tell her, but...

the timing wasn't right.

No more distractions.

Sweetie...

- Your cast is off. - And your arm looks legit.

- What the hell is this? - Tackiness.

Your pediatrician obviously needs a lesson in style.

As well as bedside manners.

No, but why is elmo on my arm?

You dislocated your shoulder when you fell off the table.

Don't tweak. You have to wear it for a week.

Although you might wanna upgrade that shiznat,

'cause it glows in the dark.

My life.

Suicide Club présente :

- 1x02 Knocker Nightmare -

Your mom was right. It's very slimming to your bicep.

I hear skinny slings are in.

I could always add a little Ming bling to make it more eye-catching.

Thanks. But I've had enough eyes on me for a lifetime.

Maybe people would stop staring at you

if you could finish the abortion your mom botched.

We should've bitched that bitch out.

What leg does she have to stand on giving you a hard time?

A thick one.

- Let's not provoke the demon. - I'm siding with Ming.

Look nine.

If I was counting.

Okay, I was counting. Sue me.

More tape.

More tape.

Who are you stalking, creeper?

Nobody.

What were you saying?

Who are you bringing tonight?

- Who would I take, Jake? - I don't know.

Anyone here would go with you.

Just please bring someone. I don't wanna listen to Lissa bitch

about how we're always a threesome.

A threesome?

The mystery girl from camp?

And miss an opportunity to annoy Lissa?

What's the deal? This chick have a dick or something?

Did you ever think that you embarrasses me?

As your best friend, it's my job.

If you wanna take our bromance to the next level,

you're gonna have to get me drunk first, you little slut.

Enough with the bum chum.

No one likes gay porn before noon.

What happened to your tree branch?

It was trimmed.

It was a record.

Two glances in less than 15 minutes.

Matty was definitely thinking about me.

Hope for my fantasy to become my reality

had been reignited.

- I was high on hope and... - It's rude to stare.

- Sadie's sweetness. - You're welcome.

The standard operating procedures of high school,

like PE, were once again part of my routine.

But the communal shower couldn't bring me down.

I was happily...

Sorry!

Back in action.

Everything is getting so big on me.

Jake thinks I have an eating disorder.

How annoying is that?

I don't know why you're stressing on that

when jacked-up Jenna is all up in your boyfriend.

Why would he check her out? She's jacked up.

Or do you think she's pretty?

Of course I don't think she's pretty.

But you're hovering around a seven, I thought you might be worried.

I'm a seven?

Freaks like hamil-toe wield the power of reckless abandon

'cause they have nothing to lose, especially with sex.

Think she made a purity pledge?

- What should I say to Jake? - Nothing.

Unless you wanna seem desperate.

Personally,

I would do something to highlight her nastiness.

Take a nudie shot of her.

It's brillz.

Now let's see what everyone else thinks

of these itty-bitty tities.

It was amazing. No one even gawked at me when I ran the mile.

Your 15 minutes are officially up.

At last. You know, being invisible?

Completely underrated. I've really missed being ignored.

I've missed having you focus on me, 'cause there's a crisis I can't ignore.

It's major.

Ricky Schwartz has been compulsively stirring the party mix in his pants.

- He's probably just adjusting. - Is adjusting every 20 minutes normal?

Or should I be worried he has some sort of infestation?

I am sure it's under the radar of concern.

Just like me.

I'm on the road to recovery and...

Everything is status quo.

And you're no longer an outcast.

That was just a little humor to disarm you.

Tough crowd.

So how you feeling about the spike in the teen suicide rate?

Wrists feeling itchy?

Valerie still needed to work on her sensitivity.

But even her lack of tact couldn't burst my bubble.

Actually, the suckage level of my life is currently pretty low.

In fact, I was thinking...

Work it, girl! I love your thinkin'.

That, maybe we could turn our weekly meetings

into monthly meetings instead?

Why do you think your life doesn't suck?

- It's because of these meetings. - Or because I'm fine.

So there's absolutely nothing you're feeling bad about?

- No. - Course load?

- No. - Your body?

- No. - Not even your big teeth?

No.

What about...

your breasts?

I don't know what the big deal is. There's not much to see.

Not only did my reality still suck serious ass,

but apparently...

so did my fantasy.

I was paralyzed, and the talk of the school again.

But what I couldn't understand

was why my bra-busters were so fascinating.

It's not so much that they're small. It's that the diameter of the areola

is not proportionate to the size of the breast.

No matter which way you look at them, they always look back at you.

I'm not a predator. This is my job.

At least I was safe in the sanctuary,

where only one rule applied...

"Don't ask, don't tell."

I really appreciated that the regular misfits

didn't care about my knocker nightmare. They were busy...

Sizin' up my Hooters.

Evidently the sanctuary got good reception.

We got your texts.

- Where are you on the Britney meter? - I might be Britney mid-head shave.

- I caught Matty making fun of me. - He is so "what" in whatever.

Just be grateful you didn't hook up with that jackhole.

I am. I needed to tell Tamara

that I had given Matty the gift of my vag-I.

But it still wasn't the right time.

You need to ignore the stares and act like it doesn't bother you.

T's right. The more you let it roll, the less peeps will pay attention to you.

I was trying to chillax, but the only thing I could let roll

were my eyes.

My mother had conveniently forgotten to pick me up or answer her phone.

Do you think I love you more than you love me?

What?

Well, sometimes I just think that our love is not equal.

Hey, Hamilton, do you need a ride?

I'm cool with walking.

No, come on. We insist.

Come on.

Why can't she sit in the back?

My amps are massive, she might bump her arm.

Hop in.

Just...

takes a minute to warm up.

So...

Look, I heard what happened to you today.

- How you holding up? - I'm managing.

Dude, I'm sorry. It was a massive blowhard maneuver.

- Really despicable. - I'm over it.

Turning the other cheek's the right thing.

No. No, it's not.

Jenna, you gotta find out who did this and get 'em expelled.

I bet the culprit already feels bad.

You know, sometimes guilt is punishment enough.

Evil people don't feel guilty, Lissa.

If the culprit had a conscience, he would've never done it.

I was getting the distinct feeling that the incident

wasn't gonna die down anytime soon.

But at least I'd find refuge from all the pity at home.

Oh, honey.

Ohh, God, I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

It's not like you haven't forgotten to pick me up from school before.

I know, but considering what happened today...

- Tamara called you? - I saw it on my news feed.

Sad fact...

My mom had more cyber friends than I did.

But we are gonna turn that frown upside down.

I have a surprise.

- What is that? - It's you with a little enhancement.

- A little? - It's perfectly fine

to have Bangladeshi boobies these days, because now,

we don't have to dream about having a new chest.

We can buy one. I did.

- When did you get a boob job? - After high school,

when I decided to forgo college and raise you instead.

My mother was never subtle about acknowledging

that I was more of a burden than a blessing.

Your nana and papa let me use my college fund

to graduate my breasts to a new bra size.

Say hello to Princeton and Harvard.

You do realize that I'm still in my formative years

and what you're telling me could be potentially psychologically scarring.

Oh, please.

I had to grow up without a cell phone. That was scarring.

Mom, when you were my age, no one had a cell phone.

I don't have to explain myself!

As your mother, it is my job to scar you.

- And give me body dysmorphic disorder. - You say that like it's a bad thing.

My reality, without having my fantasy to look forward to,

was becoming too hard to bear.

But I knew just what to do.

I'd take control of the situation.

PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND STAND OUT.

Hey, everyone, have a good look!

In my fantasy scenario,

I was gonna be the bad-ass, the rebel.

I'd be a legendary sophomore rock star

that no one would ever forget.

But in reality...

I had 30 more people taking pictures of my tits.

Jenna Hamilton, please report to the office.

I know who sexted your tatas.

I can't go down for this, Jake'll break up with me.

Calm down.

The picture was on my phone. I'll take the fall.

What can they do to me anyway? My dad built the planetarium.

Skedaddz.

I did it.

Well, that's a good start.

Now can you explain why you did it?

It was an accident.

I've seen the picture.

And while the framing was very amateurish,

it was taken with intent.

You're right. I did do it on purpose.

But it was a public service announcement

to illustrate what can happen if you change in public.

Sorry. Can I go now, Valerie?

It's "Ms. Marks".

Okay, Valerie.

Listen, Sadie, I can't let you go until you acknowledge

that what you did was not very friendly.

Jenna and I aren't friends. No offense.

None taken.

She may not be offended, but I am.

Why?

We're friends.

We are?

Absolutely.

And since we're friends,

we probably shouldn't waste each other's time.

Not so fast, friend.

I mean, what is the most important friend rule?

Friends don't let friends wear mom jeans?

Friends don't hurt their friends' friends.

Is that a threat?

Are you kidding me?

She is going easy on you. Sexting a nude picture is illegal.

- It is? - Yes. I'm a minor.

She's a minor.

I get it.

You two are in cahoots, and this is a total setup.

You know, Valerie, there are laws

against this kind of emotional manipulation by administrators.

There's no emotional manipulation going on here, is there, Jenna?

There is, but it's not coming from you.

That was straight-up bullying.

- Please don't stir the pot. - And you.

Right then your tone of voice was very menacing.

I am not feeling very safe here.

- I don't want you to feel unsafe. - Then I probably should go.

But be advised, Val,

people have gone to jail for less.

So watch yourself.

I will.

I really appreciate that sage advice.

You're welcome.

I think that was productive.

For my early age,

all girls are conditioned to expect a romantic fantasy.

Maybe I wasn't gonna be one of those girls

who gets the fantasy in high school.

Maybe I'd have to wait.

You know, there's an app for that.

Your mother told me what happened at school today and what she advised,

and I wanna be clear about something...

you are to ignore her.

Been covering that base for five years, dad.

Now, she means well, but...

you gotta remember that we were only two years older than you when you were born.

Sometimes I think

the lines get blurred by her desire to be your friend instead of your mother.

Maybe we should get her glasses.

So...

You're not gonna do anything crazy and you're not gonna hurt yourself?

Dad, I don't hate myself.

Just high school. But it's okay.

I know it's gonna end. Eventually.

You're never gonna be able to control the things that happen to you,

sweetheart, but you will be able to control how you feel.

Turn your lemons into lemonade.

All right, smart-ass,

sleep tight.

Hello?

Do you want the good news or the bad news first?

- Rip the band-aid off. - Okay.

Ricky Schwartz said your boobs look like tiny torpedoes.

- And the good news? - He'd still rub one out to them.

T.M.I.

Since you won't let me read your blog, what's the title tonight?

"Overexposed and under-appreciated."

Really, Jenna? Now you're just being emo.

- I forgot to tell you something. - What?

I had sex with Matty McKibben.

How could you forget to tell me you humped Matty?

When? Where?

I need to know details and I need to know them right now.

Where did this happen? When? You should have told me sooner.

- I gotta call you back. - Hello? You better not hang up...

Hi.

I took down all the photos of you around school.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

And I'm sorry...

Just about what you heard me say.

- It's okay. I'm over it. - No, it is not okay.

I need you to know that I...

I wasn't making fun of you.

I was just trying to deflect all the attention away from your boobs.

Which, incidentally, are pretty awesome.

You were being my hero.

I was trying.

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Merci addic7ed

Next on Awkward... Marty invited me to a party.

He's taking you public, outing you as a couple.

Are you and Matty together?

Who the fuck invited you?

Looks like Matty invited a lot of people.

You're having as much fun as I am?

That's my anniversary.

- You have to be home right away? - I have a few hours to kill.