Original subtitles

The idea for this film came to the authors

over dinner in Leningrad in November 1984.

Seeing Soviets twist energetically to Michael Jackson,

murdered by the hotel band, we thought that life in the USSR

was more amusing and unexpected

than the image generally diffused in the West.

Though the story is total fiction,

the sets and characters are as real as possible.

"Every Leninist knows that equality in the sphere of personal life

"is a piece of reactionary, petit-bourgeois stupidity."

- Stalin (1934)

TWIST AGAIN IN MOSCOW

Yuri.

- OK. - Thanks a lot.

Not so many roubles this afternoon.

Yuri.

For 2 tickets?

Bring it here.

OK.

We want Tatiana!

Give me the New York cassette.

She isn't here yet?

She's late. Stars are late.

Stars! Honestly... Russians!

You think Liza Minnelli is late on Broadway?

Is she cheating on me? Tell me.

Have you seen the time?

Have you?

Hello, Yuri.

Papatchka is in trouble.

Yes, well...

You know how much rock festivals cost?

- Hello, dears. - All the backhanders?

I break my back for you and you arrive late!

Anything but rock in this country is impossible.

Have you finished? Your fans await!

- Hello, children. - Hello.

Darlings, I love you!

You can forgive her anything!

- Hide that behind the stairs. - It's no use.

- Best give ourselves up. - Who to?

Fedor gave a virulent speech at the university

on Samuel Kovsky.

Who?

A genius. But he's Jewish and wants to learn Hebrew.

They expelled him! So I protested vigorously.

The dean tried to cut his mike and Fedor smashed his glasses.

A guy with three Lenin medals.

An anti-Semite! Now we have to fight.

I'll stir up opinion.

Poor fool, no one will hear! We'll end up in a gulag!

The KGB's after us, we must go into exile!

Calm down, mamatchka.

The KGB is as slow as Russia.

It'll be a week before they find us.

- Group reductions? - No.

Seven tickets.

- Yuri! The KGB! - Shit!

Come on!

- We'll be arrested! - Come on, hurry.

Radiant woman

I'm ruining your life.

- I'll commit suicide. - Don't be silly.

That's funny.

Every problem

turns into a drama!

- You'd rather I surrender? - My brother-in-law

knows a Georgian who sells fake visas for Israel.

- You don't believe me? - Yes, but...

Igor has influence.

He runs the Hotel Tolstoy

in Moscow.

Dushka, yellow phone.

Marina,

your phone.

Coming.

Really! No one at the desk. It's scandalous!

I'm sorry, I don't see to that.

But who does do any work here?

Tatayev. His brother-in-law.

Sorry, I can't disturb the manager.

He's meeting with the workers.

It's urgent. A matter of life or death.

I'll see.

He's taking his girl to the Tchaikovsky competition.

- Try his room. - Yes. He must be napping.

- He won't speak to you? - Is it still 240?

Yes, 240, 241, 242, 43 and 44.

Try all 5 lines.

No, don't answer. We're late enough as it is.

We've been after an hour's break for 2 years!

Comrade!

The Plan targets haven't been met.

The Party is relying on us!

What does the manager think?

I share Irina's view, a real effort is needed.

The comrade prefers his daughter's career as a pianist

to the Plan!

How dare you!

I was up at 7 this morning.

I served breakfast, Michèle had flu.

For the 5th time this month!

I shovelled snow from the door.

We have 2-hour breaks for 4 hours' work.

I'm the only one who never rests. Stop all this slander!

- Igor! - Yes?

- She'll miss her competition! - Coming.

- Thank you. - That's very nice of you.

Katerina hasn't won her prize yet.

Chopin takes concentration.

Your pager, from the minister.

Repaired so soon?

- Silence! - We're stuck in the lift.

More people stuck in the lift!

I'm sorry, my dear Dimitri, I got carried away.

But I really intend to find a solution.

I got your shoes.

Thank you, Goga.

- Daddy's black marketeering. - Concentrate.

They're superb!

You're the best-dressed man in Moscow.

Go away!

Sir, it's your brother-in-law.

You're joking! You disturb me for that fool?

He's in Moscow?

If he wants roubles, tell him no!

He's in the Petrov hospital, he had his leg cut off.

- You want his number? - Yes.

Citizen Yuri, telephone.

Thank you, comrade.

Petrov hospital?

Hi, you swine!

Just a joke to get through to you.

You little hoodlum...

I know it's in bad taste.

Your dealer friend...?

Idiot! You almost gave me a heart attack.

I had a near miss last year!

Yes, I remember.

And you interrupted Katerina's concert!

The Georgian's address.

- What Georgian? - Don't play innocent!

Where are you?

A cafe in the suburbs. I've a problem with the militia.

Why do you always phone me?

You want me dead?

Quiet! I'm not interested in your problems.

I disapprove of your lifestyle.

I don't know a Georgian,

I've no money, and don't call again!

Or I'll denounce you.

- Well? - A triumph!

- Who was it? - Nobody.

Those fools tried technique, Katiusha played with sensitivity.

A simple tune, a triumph.

You're lucky. My daughter thinks only of dancing.

He's furious she's seeing Ivanovich.

He's filling his pockets in Baku.

Nouveau riche, not even Russian.

I'm Armenian, remember.

- Can't you tell? - But your father was Russian.

You should see Uncle Yuri. He's really tanned.

No provocation.

Isn't he dark?

Gorgeous tablecloth, dear.

Yes, Laura Ashley. From the ambassador's wife

in London.

Here's Mitia.

Excuse me, I work too much.

It's nothing, Mitia.

That's it, have a nap.

Sloshed. Don't smoke next to him.

New Year in the Carpathians?

Leningrad, Alexei.

I got a card this morning.

He has friends in high places.

They've a 22-metre yacht.

We went to Sweden with no passports.

A minister doesn't show his passport!

He's only a vice-minister.

Friends, a toast to my daughter Katerina.

The apple of my eye.

And this land where a worker's daughter

can win the Tchaikovsky prize!

To my daughter, my wife, and the Soviet Union!

To the Soviet Union!

Is your brother any better?

Igor!

What happened to Yuri? He's had a leg cut off!

Not at all. Come, now!

Have some of this excellent Strogonov, my love.

Daddy, what's happening?

Your brother's a nuisance.

He has problems with the militia and...

And you said nothing!

I can't look after your brother's problems.

Daddy hates my uncle.

- If they knew each other... - It's all sorted.

It was a joke. Yuri is a funny guy.

Yuri?

Yes. Who's that?

Hello? Who's speaking?

Where is he, then?

I'll see Alexei. He'll tell me what to do.

Thank you, dear. You're a love.

Don't worry. It must be a minor problem.

Because of his music.

There you are!

Just 2 minutes, I've a personal problem.

Me too.

- Did you read Pravda? - No.

- You don't read Pravda? - Yes, every day...

Your hotel is mentioned.

Petit-bourgeois dealing.

They say you're my protégé.

Scandalous! I'll counter-attack.

No, you request an inspection.

The culprits will be punished.

I ask myself?

Be smart. Show your good faith.

It's hard to protect you. I'm going through a crisis.

But I can choose the most easy-going inspector.

Sign here.

- What did you want? - Nothing.

Igor...

You have wonderful shoes.

- Comrade Igor Tatayev! - Yes?

I am Boris Pikov, sent by the Party to inspect the hotel.

So soon?

The minister called 3 days ago.

Do I get a lift?

You don't have to.

On the contrary! I'd be glad to take you.

I'll get my luggage.

No, I'll see to that.

There.

- I dispense with formalities. - Oh?

Me too.

You got rid of that idiot Pikov?

Yes. Champagne for everyone.

Very practical for snow.

The foot isn't confined.

You must be scared, carrying my bags.

Not at all. Just polite.

You do a tough job.

Exhausting. We're launching an offensive

on corruption in socialist society.

Oh, corruption, a huge problem.

Foreign cigarettes?

A hotel customer left me his packet.

The Continental manager was selling that brand.

80 tons.

20 years hard labour.

He narrowly escaped death.

I shall enter your hotel incognito,

as a customer. - Of course. Ivan, stop.

Irina, I'm coming with a Party inspector.

A shit who shot some poor guy. Warn everyone.

Irina, don't let him suspect a thing.

- Shall I park the car? - Yes.

OK, boss.

Don't call me "boss", it's ridiculous.

Call me comrade, for example.

OK.

- Hello, sir! - The comrade is a customer.

- No, I'll keep this! - It's my job, sir.

The comrade wants to keep his briefcase.

Sorry about him.

Sometimes they're too conscientious.

Welcome. I hope you enjoy your stay.

Oh, how nice!

Congratulations from satisfied tourists.

For the visitors book.

A quiet room over the park or more lively, on the street?

The cheapest will do.

412? Over the park, inexpensive.

No favouritism. A normal room on the street.

Tea is served, it's getting cold.

- No. - No break today?

Politburo members around?

We'll take you to your room.

You're moving out?

In this context, I'd rather customers had these suites.

We'll move back to our rooms, small but charming.

There's no room for a piano! How will I work?

Katerina! One should bow to economic forces.

As soon as we're rid of Pikov, we'll return.

I'll lose so much if I don't work every day!

Moving 3 years' worth in 2 hours! Your mate screwed you!

And Yuri?

I can't be everywhere.

Pikov first, then Yuri.

Visa control.

It's nice weather, so they come out.

We're freezing here. We can't stop at police checks.

She's right.

Through the woods.

OK.

I meant on foot!

We've lost a door.

Very clever!

Here!

The brakes went.

- Where are you from? - Kiev. Going to Moscow.

- Got your pass? - Yes!

The cargo?

Herrings. Take some for the family.

Take some!

They're rotten!

Have you got insurance? That car was new.

Report of Comrade Inspector Pikov to the surveillance committee.

Olga Ivanova Pikov Workers' Medal, 1974

Shit!

Day 1, 6:15pm. I have never seen such a well-run

Soviet hotel. I think they were warned of my arrival.

Are these gifts frequent?

In 5 years, I've seen it twice.

A Central Committee member and a senator.

You're lucky.

Confirmed.

- May I have a table? - Not for Soviets.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Yes, this way.

Right in a draught!

Put him on this table. He's a VIP!

Be a good communist, dammit!

What is it?

More of it!

And not this caviar!

The other. He's no ordinary customer.

Central Committee Stock

And don't make him ask for it.

There!

Comrade!

You only serve one caviar?

- You want some more? - No.

It's not dear. Can I see the tin?

Come on.

Come on!

Hurry along!

Hurry!

Come on! Come on...

Mind that mirror. It's worth a fortune.

Careful! What's he up to?

He's going about it all wrong.

It's a VCR, fool!

Took me 4 years to get it.

If you break one part, it's had it.

- What's that? - Laundry, dad.

Mum prefers to take it all.

Oh no!

Stealing hotel fittings during inspection,

you must be mad.

They're our bath robes. You're the manager?

The people entrusted these to me!

That's why I'm manager!

If it's Pikov who's scaring you, leave him to me.

Mum, the big box of bulbs won't fit in the truck.

Do I separate them?

Comrade bassist, you played six Western songs

to one Russian. That's not within quota.

Why don't you obey Party discipline?

They prefer Western music.

- They don't dance, if not. - We have danceable tunes!

Exactly. We're scared of hurting them.

We'd rather murder foreign songs.

My wife wishes to meet you.

So nice to meet you.

I'm off to greet a Dutch coach.

I hear you're remarkable.

Remarkable... but hated.

Oh? I didn't get that impression.

I'm a loner. But the Party is worth some sacrifices.

As Comrade Chernenko says...

- I'm boring you. - Not at all.

I'm very concerned about politics.

To my husband, the Party is a source of great joy

and friendship. - Excuse me.

Don't stand watching uselessly!

Take a break. I'll close up.

Igor!

Hi!

The journey was dire.

Don't look glum, your car's fine.

He came to Moscow to smash my car! I don't believe it!

Hello.

Hello.

Hello, Igor! You're looking younger.

Incredible. Great to see you!

What's that horrid smell?

I need 200 roubles to pay off this guy.

- He owes me 1000 roubles. - No!

We agreed on 200!

I won't give you a kopeck. Why the hell are you here?

Is this yours?

What's got into you? Give it back!

- Give it back. Call the militia! - The militia!

The militia!

They'll ask about your brother-in-law's visa,

the road block and the accident!

He paid off the militia, he wants paying back.

1000 roubles or I trash it.

It's a good price.

Come with me.

I warn you, if you harm it, I'll strangle you.

Shall we wait here, Igor?

- Who's that? - The in-laws.

My father-in-law's an intellectual.

A brand new machine.

- Comrade Tatayev? - Hide!

You've something fishy going on with the caviar.

- What? - I found this box

hidden under some chicken.

This brand isn't on your books and an employee was selling it.

Oh? Who?

- I didn't see his face. - Shame.

We don't do this brand. It must have been brought in.

Check the stock.

You'll see.

It stinks! Is that the herrings?

This looks delicious!

A beggar's stealing chops!

Can't find any?

Rather hasty accusations, comrade.

And you're disturbing overworked staff.

I'm the manager's brother-in-law!

- What's going on? - I'll see to it.

Open up!

Stop it, lads!

I know him.

- He's my brother-in-law. - Right.

This way!

Open up! I'm in the cold room.

What luxury! You're privileged!

A showcase of socialism should be clean.

Tell the workers that. Mind you, you don't see any hard-up people.

I live with a star

in two lousy, cockroach-ridden rooms.

We have them too. That's not exceptional.

Stealing from the till?

Terrific!

You want your money?

Where's the key?

Quick, the guy is dangerous!

Tatayev. I'm at the Beriozka.

Let go, you lout!

Thief!

Your jacket's ruined.

An alpaca from Yalta! You're here 5 minutes, and it's a disaster!

Yes? What d'you mean, the minister wants to see me?

Where is he?

OK, I'm coming!

I'm well-dressed to see the minister.

- Haven't you any more suits? - In the car!

Igor, honestly!

- We looked everywhere. - I was fixing the boiler.

We came to eat with Marshal Bassunov.

The caviar's vile, where's the good stuff?

This way, to the kitchen.

Bassunov? The hero of the Battle of Smolensk?

Appointed to the Politburo 2 days ago.

I heard he was senile.

Igor, please. He's a hero.

He's full of beans.

Get him on our side and we've hit the jackpot.

We'll get the good stuff.

- You have a special cold room? - Shit!

Be right back.

There's someone in the cold room!

Would you have any good rotten capitalist cognac?

Up here.

The dinner's awful. Making fun of the workers!

It's all right, Leonid. The good stuff.

No respect for great soldiers!

These youngsters need a good war!

Indeed. Help yourself.

I remind you

that I spent 31 days in the frozen latrines of my Kiev HQ,

and nobody complained!

I don't doubt it.

We played the balalaika in mittens!

The atmosphere was... communist! And warm!

Remember, Bukov?

- You were there. - Non, Leonid, that's not Bukov.

It's Igor Tatayev,

the manager of this hotel.

Bukov died 15 years ago!

Sorry for the caviar slip-up,

but I had a boiler problem...

We understand,

do sit down.

Excuse my husband,

he took you for his aide de camp,

a charming man, who died in a tragic hunting accident.

My husband mistook him for a bear.

Hunting in a chapka, it's a common accident.

What horrible music!

It's like a pig being stuck.

You're not fashionable. It's youngsters' music!

Decadent, American noise!

You want Kalinka?

No, people want to enjoy themselves!

Useless! I said so at the Kremlin.

If we let them play monkey music,

we'll become monkeys!

Grumpy sod!

I'll have her deported.

Where will that get you?

Yuri, the machine's in bits.

Very clever! Now he won't pay!

Dwarf! Come here and insult me!

He'll come and beat you up!

Take that!

You've one minute to pay me or I'll beat her senseless!

Don't give in to this fat shit!

What a fine singer!

Such youth!

The band is amazing. I love their costumes.

- I want them at New Year. - Fine.

- Even if we have to pay in dollars. - No problem!

Isn't there a smell of sewers?

Yes! Rotten fish, wouldn't you say?

Isn't there an odd smell?

No.

Now that's dancing.

You hold a woman in your arms...

Call if you need me.

- Bye! - See you!

Don't move, I'll be back.

Very graceful!

We look dumb!

A doctor, quick!

The Marshal fainted in mid-twist.

What's up with the old goat?

Let go of me! I'm not a weakling.

Ice! Quickly, ice!

Poor chap!

The evening I've had!

Thank you.

- Goodnight, Petrovich. - It's after midnight!

Continue this row and I'll report you.

That's true. It's a calamity!

- How many are there? - They're movers.

- It's respectable here. - Bunch of losers!

They'd sell their mothers for sugar.

Petits-bourgeois! That's why this country's dead.

Worms, conformists!

Go back inside.

You're thicker in Moscow than the provinces!

Goodnight, Comrade Petrovich.

Citizen Aliev.

Goodnight, loser!

- I'll smash your head in! - Igor!

Natasha!

Bastard!

Come out and I'll kill you!

Igor!

What about the American Blacks?

Your brother wants to send us to a camp!

They exist, swine!

Answer me, Igor!

You hate the Americans' attitude to Blacks.

Those are our Blacks, Igor.

Bring some sugar, he's dying.

Quick!

Shit, what a night!

Stop it, Igor. We're not alone.

Yes, they're all there.

Engaged.

- What are you up to? - Guess.

No more coffee?

My dad drank it all. Hence his attack.

That's bad.

I'm sorry.

A rotten old coat.

Stealing coffee?

They almost cut off my toe.

Sorry, the cold room door is too heavy.

That was no accident.

Look, Comrade Pikov, I hate you wholeheartedly

but I'm not a murderer yet.

So don't tempt me!

Threats? Your behaviour is antisocial and anti-Soviet.

You're contaminated by tourists. You need a work manual.

I approve of self-criticism!

You do not decide Party morals.

Remain objective. You're making this personal.

Dirty viper, I'll break you!

Lt Sergei Leontiev,

KGB. I'd like to talk to Comrade Tatayev alone.

I'm having a personal talk. You can wait.

- I doubt that. - I'm mandated by the Party...

Comrade, we're all in the Party here.

Only I'm in the KGB too.

Are you?

Then leave us.

- Comrade Pikov. - Yes?

Don't take it badly.

No!

Pretentious KGB snakes!

The comrade is touchy.

Be understanding, he has a tough job.

Of course. Where's your brother-in-law?

- Er... I don't know. - He was seen in Moscow.

Oh? First I've heard of it! He usually gets in touch.

He's the leader of a gang of Jewish terrorists.

- Come now! - If he calls,

can I rely on your loyalty, comrade?

They sell toilet paper at the Pushkin metro. Soft, too!

It's a bit far, but there are 2 trucks.

I'm not allowed to leave my post.

I sold the concierge a flagrant dummy.

Leave by the courtyard, we're being watched by the KGB.

You're lucky I didn't turn you in.

Igor, you are vile!

You know who they are?

Terrorists and criminals!

Your pain of a brother is one thing.

But he won't endanger my family!

Fool! Yuri was right, you are a selfish shit!

Since the 16th century, Jews in this country

have been persecuted. - Forget it, Fedor.

They want the Georgian's address.

The one who sells visas.

I don't know any Georgian! And I refuse to help traitors!

- They're imperialist agents. - Have you gone mad?

Fedor is a great historian!

And a great communist!

A historian who bombs! And you?

You use a machine gun?

The Red Army got me out of Treblinka,

and they want to lock me up

for the same reason:

being Jewish!

Thanks. Hope we haven't bothered you.

Excuse me. Goodbye!

I'll find the Georgian.

And you think you're right!

Careful!

Put your foot there!

Wait for me in the street, I'll take you.

It's here. The street on the left.

- No, you stay here. - I'm interested.

You don't understand money.

And be quick!

I'm not staying here for long!

Yuri's too much! He thinks women don't know about money.

Danger gives you a rush.

It's exciting.

And it stops you falling into bourgeois routine.

Yes. Well I don't necessarily hate routine.

Who are they? Lock the door.

Are you Tatiana Fedorova?

- Yes. - We knew it.

We're musicians. Will you sign our studio wall?

Don't get out! What if we have to go?

Oh, they're so cute!

A star owes it to her fans.

No, be reasonable!

Come on, there's a problem!

Money?

I don't know if I can help, I haven't much.

- He's your friend! - Friend is easy to say!

Hi, old Cossack. I haven't kissed you in donkey's years.

Yes! What's the problem?

- He doubled the prices. - 2 ingots!

I won't ruin my business for dirty Jews!

That was the agreed price!

You said he was pro-Zionist?

Anti-Semite!

He won't, let's go!

Why won't I?

I do business, not politics.

I may have a solution.

Beware of his scams!

When he replaced our TVs,

we got picture but no sound.

You got commentary on the radio!

Very clever.

Here we go again! What's that?

A plane in the mountains.

10 minutes from the Turkish border.

There may be a small risk during those 10 minutes.

The engine's burnt out!

I'm selling the engine!

The plane's free.

I'll even throw in the pilot as a bonus.

Come and see.

You'll have to get it to Erevan.

That's 2500 kilometres away! 10 checkpoints!

If the engine's good...

We'll find a solution without you.

An Ilyushin P44,

a gem from the Normandie-Niemen squadron.

Isn't it old?

What do you want for that price, a Tupolev?

It'd power a tank.

And it's discreet. Easy to carry.

All right.

Oh, I forgot... the propeller.

Do you have one or should I sell you one?

Have they been here long?

Since this morning, comrade manager.

Bastard!

Natasha!

- Where are you going? - Driving my brother to Erevan!

The Georgian was supposed to!

He left them and the engine on waste ground.

Blackmail again.

Not at all!

- I'm defying the KGB. - Igor!

I don't reproach you, I love you.

How do I explain your absence?

With the absenteeism here, it'll go unnoticed!

A case of Asian flu.

I'm trembling. I'm going home,

2 or 3 days. - Shall I call a doctor?

No, I'll go to bed.

If there's a problem, call my wife.

Another gone fishing!

- Someone's calling. - Thank you.

I'd have missed him.

Didn't you see me waving?

I saw you wave, all right!

I hear you're sick.

Diplomatic disease?

No, look, comrade, I'm not well!

I'm too tired to argue.

Stay at home. I'll bring a Party doctor tomorrow.

As you'll be better then,

we'll spend the day

going over accounts.

Some workers undermine this country's productivity

by petit-bourgeois, reactionary sick leave.

He's so annoying!

We can't leave just yet.

Igor has a problem with an idiot and needs my help.

I can't have a medical inspector for 3 months? Why?

But I'm on a mission.

Don't take that tone or I'll put you on report!

Yes, consider it done!

- Comrade delegate? - Yes.

Ramadiev. Medical inspector.

- Sent by the Party. - You're quick, for once.

Where's the patient?

In town. I'll change my scarf. Wait for me.

My car's in the parking lot.

Incredible absenteeism this year.

Sick city.

No wonder we don't meet targets.

Right. Give me you bag, dolt.

What's got into you?

You go first.

I must look stupid

for you to think such a ruse would work.

Even stupid, a communist is a communist.

Yes, that's true.

Go on!

You planned this?

No, I was stuck in the lift, you released me.

What a great start.

- Papers, you're overloaded. - Yes.

Party card, hotel managers' union card,

Komsomol ranking member's card and Kremlin restaurant card,

writers' union card... That's the...

Hotel inspectors' card.

- You have a mission order? - Yes.

It says "Hotel Tolstoy, Moscow".

No, it's crossed out. We've been.

Now it's here: "Hotel Lenin, Minsk."

We're on our way.

- Comrade Pikov? - Him.

He inspects the accounts.

This comrade checks the bands.

- Fine. Off you go. - Thank you.

Who was it?

- Overzealous guards. - You should have made him suffer.

You have a writers' union card?

I wrote a book of Armenian cuisine recipes.

We wouldn't have broken down

if we hadn't gone looking for non-existent roads!

You go so fast, we haven't time to read the signs!

- You should check the gauge! - It broke in Kiev.

Holy Mother, the militia!

Good news, just peasant workers.

I knew the paper wasn't watertight enough.

You want my coat?

Have you ever had a jerry can in the throat?

Two ingots.

That cost me 2 ingots!

I warned you!

It can't be that one!

I didn't expect you so soon. I'd have tidied up.

Come in, relax! Have a bite to eat.

I'll transform it with the new engine.

What's the matter?

The skeleton is sound.

Listen.

If you've any sense you'll come back to Moscow.

Wait and see.

I'm going! I put up with you for 3 days,

I'm on the edge!

Igor, you need some sleep.

Thanks!

- I won't go if I don't want! - Enough!

Behind there is Turkey, and freedom!

- No! - What's wrong?

She's going! She hates me!

- My own daughter! - You'll kill your mother.

You want to go back to your lover in Moscow?

Calm down! This is my land and I love it!

I never said I'd come.

Ridiculous!

- I've a debt to my fans! - So what? Fans are everywhere.

New York is a rock'n'roll Mecca.

Trust Yuri.

He'll look after you there as he does here.

I do trust him! I'll end up a cleaner or a whore!

Tatiana!

Take me back to Moscow.

Try to convince her to sing on Broadway.

If you've a chance to appear on Broadway, don't hesitate.

What do you know, fat arse!

You can leave or sit around in the snow,

I'm taking nobody!

Right, then.

Two-faced bastards!

Right, no hard feelings. Bon voyage.

Love to Katiusha and Natiusha.

If you get rich in the West, send some parcels.

Right!

Come on, quick!

Quick! Never seen anything like it!

You're all mad.

We won't take off, we'll crash into the rocks!

No! It's the hang-glider effect.

We dive

then rise up on an air cushion!

And hit the mountain!

- Chickens! - Is that normal?

- What? - The oil spurts.

Yes, it's normal!

OK?

One day I'll kill you.

- Open up, quick! - The money first.

- Igor! - Ah, Natasha!

If I see you again, I'll have you arrested!

We'll manage without you.

I've never met anyone so rude in all my life!

- He was vile. - What did you say?

Nothing, I apologised!

I was angry. Don't make a meal of it!

He called me limpdick!

- Stop rowing! - I never want to see him again!

Alexei, I'm glad to see you.

Comrade Igor, you're the first to congratulate me.

Yes, I congratulate you with all my heart.

Pig out on zakuski, this will be a great decade.

Bassunov takes no decisions without me.

He's here with his family.

We'll soon have a Politburo majority.

On my side, the situation is less favourable.

The KGB are tailing me.

Come over here.

Alexei, look what our resident in Hong Kong sent for the children.

What taste!

If we tolerate this, we'll become monkeys.

Indeed. Monkeys.

What's wrong, my dear?

- You let the air out. - No,

we can fix that.

No one recognised me in Erevan.

We removed the car engine number.

I thought I'd buy two salmon and say I'd gone fishing.

Now hang on.

You can't ask me to cover your anti-Soviet behaviour.

No! I'm trying to explain that I was forced to do it!

Think about your family.

I did. That's why I came to you.

My oldest friend.

Yes, unfortunately.

Give me the address of your brother-in-law,

I'll see what I can do. - Alexei!

Come and give me a hand,

I can't handle both.

Don't spray the comrade, it's not funny.

It doesn't matter.

It's too big, it'll burst.

No, it won't burst.

Alexei! Come here and I'll thrash you.

Coming, Leonid.

No! Don't go looking like that!

Tit for tat.

You give me the Zionists.

I'm not sure where they are.

Find them.

You're too good for me, Marshal.

You're under arrest. I've questions for you.

I like crushing bastards like you.

Does this look familiar?

I arranged things with the minister.

They've arrested Comrade Tatayev.

Your corrupt ways are over.

Your contacts won't help my stitches.

I've a treatment for liars.

For you, Political Bureau.

Hello?

Yes, I'm too pernickety.

A personal friend of the minister?

Of course. Fishing? No, I hadn't thought.

Of course... Goodbye, comrade.

Comrade Tatayev is free.

Stop and let Pikov out.

Take the metro.

And don't come it!

- What's the matter? - Get out!

You're interfering with my work, I'll report you!

You've already been hit once.

Drop me at the market,

I must buy some roses for my wife.

With pleasure, Comrade Tatayev.

The information you're going to give the minister...

When can we expect it?

As soon as possible.

Would you lend me money for the roses?

I left without a kopeck this morning.

I'll buy you a drink in return.

Darling! I think you'll be happy.

What's going on?

You don't like flowers?

- Are you drunk? - You're leaving?

Taking food to my brother.

- I'll come too. - Definitely not!

Yuri says you could turn them in.

Me? That's rich!

I remind you

I wrecked my car and risked my life to help them!

You were wonderful, dear, we'll ask nothing more.

- Natasha. - Go away!

It's unjustified prejudice.

- Go! - Give me that.

I assure you.

- Follow that shit discreetly. - I'm not a cop.

Move!

Works end date: August 87

It's 30 roubles already.

The Party won't pay me before the next revolution.

Want a down payment?

- Igor insisted on buying a cake. - He'll eat it alone.

Shouting won't change him.

I'm extending my hand, Yuri!

- You weren't invited. - Come now.

He has a good heart.

- I can still swing for you! - Well...

Kiss and make up!

What are you up to? Spying?

Go away!

To the friendship of those harassed by all the bureaucrats.

And I'm celebrating 30 years of friendship with a crook:

dear Alexei Dimitrievich.

Why mention him?

We're all Russian,

and it's when we sing that we realise that.

I don't want to ruin such an atmosphere

with dear friends,

because you are,

but you'd best leave this town quickly.

Go and hide, just as I shall.

Far away.

- What? - He has to call back.

Definitely not!

Comrade Sergei isn't there? Where is he?

Give me someone else. For a denunciation.

- Give me Leontiev. - It's Mr Tatayev calling.

Well? We're waiting for your information!

I've drunk enough vodka to tell you to piss off!

I'm sick of your threats.

I know just what I have to do.

You can ruin your life, but what about your daughter!

We can ruin her career.

See her as a whore in Vladivostok?

You're silent now. Think about it.

Alexei wants the hotel band for his New Year's do.

I have to see to it.

- What about them? - They wait till we return

from Leningrad.

Come on, hurry.

I think we'd better leave sharpish!

Too late!

We'll wait quietly for the militia

whom Igor called.

In here!

In here!

I'm over here!

At last! You're quick!

- What are you doing here? - Taking tea.

Fool!

- I did my best! - Comrade,

they were seen in the metro.

- Natiusha? - Yuri? What's wrong?

- We were betrayed. - Who by?

Who else? That swine!

Who was it?

Shameful!

A drunkard groaning obscenely.

That's incredible!

- No, not tonight. - Why not?

If I don't sleep, I'll look awful tomorrow.

Outside Leningrad December 31, 11:30pm

Nothing to tell me?

No, why?

I want the truth.

What truth?

There is no truth. We're having a lovely evening.

We're among friends. A boat trip later.

- What more do you want? - Never mind!

Come on!

Igor, the KGB were glad you called.

- Igor, you came! - I did what I could.

Smile. It's better for you

that they're arrested.

Quick, I'm going back to the band!

Thanks for your help.

Come on!

Was it hard?

Fedor can't bear the cold.

Call a doctor quick, he's dying!

- Quick, a doctor! - Why not the militia?

Marshal!

What a pleasure to see you!

Happy New Year, old chap.

Now the party can begin.

What's this arrest? Alexei tells me nothing.

Igor, you've soaked my feet!

No matter!

A mop!

Pardon?

Be right back!

In order of size.

What are they up to? They're all here!

We're sailing to Stockholm.

You'd steal Alexei's boat?

You bet! It's the only boat that won't be checked.

Judas!

You disappointed me!

I did it for love, Natasha. For you and Katiusha!

You don't get it!

But we do. You're a louse!

Please!

I'm too hot now.

You know the KGB. She'll become a whore!

Move! I'll get the boat keys.

Natasha, you can't do this!

Natasha, stop, please!

- Natasha... - Leave me alone!

Let go of me!

Tatayev, I don't mind helping your wife

but my coach is a shambles.

- I don't want to be caught. - Of course!

Get out!

How will you live?

On what money?

If you get there! You could be sunk by submarines.

Is this it?

Give me that! You can't steal a boat, Natasha!

- What are you doing? - Taking zakouski.

We haven't eaten in 24 hours.

Don't take the salmon, it's not ready!

- Stop or I'll punch you. - I'm scared!

Sorry to bother you, but we've some problems.

What a drag!

Comrade Pikov's clumsiness

ruined your call. - We know. Where are the suspects?

Suspects? You should know.

I think we should discuss this with the minister.

- What? - The escape.

Good initiative.

- We'd best leave. - Obviously!

- Head for the boat. - We have to carry papatchka.

We can't leave like that!

We've no choice.

We can't leave papa, they'll arrest him!

Your father prefers his privileges to his family.

That's awful! How can you react like that?

Come on! You're coming with us.

- Careful, it's slippery. - We know!

You can't come in.

The minister's with friends

and Marshal Bassunov. - It's a matter of State security!

- Be diplomatic. - Right...

Stay here.

I'll see if I can talk to him.

- Who's the big package for? - Me!

For Mishka!

A multicoloured gypsum spearhead.

I got a potato masher.

- That's disastrous! - What now?

Katerina threw up, Natasha's crying, Tatiana's on about Russia.

- They don't want to leave. - That was obvious!

Get back into the baggage hold,

go to Moscow in the coach and I'll try to arrange things amicably.

Katerina's having a fit. Find some Valium!

God! What a night!

What is it?

A shell from my personal collection.

It's very moving for a great soldier to relinquish such an object.

And it clears out the cellar. We've 300 like that.

I am sick

of these discussions. - Hide!

I don't care! It's decided:

the parents leave, I return to Moscow.

Thanks for everything. I hope the girl will be OK.

You can do what you like.

Had your little fit, now? You want a slap?

Right hand or left?

- I don't want to be a cleaner. - Trust me a little!

I'm going back to Moscow. Bye!

Tatiana!

Why this sudden urge? You've got a lover in Moscow!

The bearded guy?

I know it's him.

Comrade.

Sorry to bother you on such a night.

Indeed.

- We missed the dissidents. - Just.

You came here to tell me that?

Not at all.

Couldn't it wait?

Comrade minister, the Party has no weekends,

no petit-bourgeois holidays.

- Pardon? - Be quiet.

I'm interested.

We're forgetting the precepts of Lenin.

Very interesting.

I'll find a good job for this boy.

- I want no special treatment! - I insist.

Clear off.

We'll see to this Monday, calmly. Happy New Year.

What? That's enough!

Comrade lieutenant, this wallet was found.

Fedor Zabelsky!

What are you up to?

There's no key, I can't open it!

What a lump!

Look what you've done!

How do we explain this?

- What's this? - Don't get upset.

I know it looks bad...

That's the key to my boat!

Right, let's run!

Bukov!

Come, comrade. You haven't had your present.

Run for the boat.

Marshal, there's a misunderstanding.

I'm not Bukov. My name is Tatayev.

This happened before.

Bukov!

Where are you going? Are you angry?

Leave me be, you old goat!

You always were an incompetent, an appallingly cruel one!

I should have shot you!

Where is Fedor Zabelsky?

Arrest him!

I want him alive! Aim for the legs.

- Marshal, save me! - Get on.

Gallop!

- Come to apologise? - That's right. I apologise.

Why are they shooting?

I slept with Alexei's wife. He wants to arrest me.

Use the whip, Marshal!

I've better, I'll massacre them.

Who's Santa Claus?

- And old man with a big nose. - A Yid. I'll get him!

Zionist scum!

Stop, I want to get out!

No harm done.

Get out and push, Pikov.

You drive like an alcoholic.

My car!

Two thugs stealing my car!

And you wanted us to leave! Look at that troika

in the snow, isn't it sublime?

We can sell this car as spare parts, that'll feed us for a year.

Real bullets? That's too much!

Russians have never had a sense of moderation.

Take the reins, Marshal.

Bukov, that's going too far! It'll end in tears.

Stop, we must apologise. We can't act like that.

Hands off my hi-fi.

Oh, shut up!

Faster! Or we won't catch them.

Another word and you're dead!

A troika on the road. You can't miss them.

The troika's here!

Nobody move!

Take that, you heap of shit!

You will now explain why

you shot the Marshal in the thigh.

A national hero.

Radio Pravda, Moscow.

A pro-Zionist mercenary commando, landed by CIA submarine,

violated Soviet soil last night

at 4:15am, to attempt to assassinate

the valiant hero of the people: Leonid Bassunov.

Thanks to the soldier's sang-froid,

the attackers were run off.

The US ambassador

has been immediately summoned to the Kremlin.

Slow down! Fedor's seasick.

Sergei Leontiev, KGB agent,

now lives in Africa infiltrating hostile tribes.

Boris Pikov is helping to build a gas pipeline

in Siberia, at minus 46 degrees.

Fedor Zabelsky, in Israel, is the author of a virulent pamphlet:

Life With The New Czars.

Tatiana and Yuri sing in Kirovsk under assumed names.

They still live in hope.

Their daughter's first concert

enabled Igor and Natasha

to open a cabaret in London.

Subtitles: Henry Moon

Subtitling: ECLAIR