Original subtitles

Listen. I'm not a grass.

I just got the team together again.

They wanted me back as their leader.

I'll say no more.

I thought it was a good idea to shake us together as a team.

So I stepped in as leader and booked a holiday cottage

for us to have a boot camp before Crazy LAN Randers.

And I'll say no more. My mouth is sealed.

What about Kasim?

Kasim, when Copy Allan comes with our nice sponsored car,

and if you're not here when the bus leaves...

Do you know that nobody listens to messages these days?

-Boys, do you like the wheels? -It's a fucking cool car.

-Thanks, Allan. -Don't touch it.

-Don't touch the car. -Why not?

Hands off.

It's a strange rule, if we are travelling in it.

Why would you use my car when you have your own?

-Over there. -That one.

Enjoy boot camp, train hard, and if you get tired of beeping games...

-Beep! Beep! -Beep! Boobs!

If you get bored, drop by Dresden.

-What's happening in Dresden? -Don't ask.

Yeah! What's happening in Dresden?

An erotic gathering. It's the place to be for randy folks.

Toke, you'll need a note from your parents.

You don't need a note.

My Sassie girl and I are on our way, and that's Bent.

Bent doesn't shag. He just drives the car.

And he likes to watch.

Well... Oh, bloody hell.

That's my brother. He minded the van last night.

Tanja, somebody's had a shit all over the van.

-Yeah. -We need the pressure washer on.

Give me 50 kroner and I'll turn it on.

Super. There you go.

And we need disinfectant and lavender scent spray.

Flowers?

Flowers and 12 sausage rolls for the trip.

-For the trip? -Yeah.

Are you on the run?

Did you kill someone?

Did the criminal mastermind strike again?

Don't you stay informed?

Your cousin is wanted for fraud with fake iphones.

-That could be anyone. -It's Kasim.

No, it isn't.

-May I have the key? -It's Kasim.

It's not Kasim. It could be anyone.

Listen, Sebastian.

Hey, Sebastian. Think about it. We'll share the bounty.

I get 90%, you guys get the rest. Just tell me where he's hiding.

Tanja, I have no clue where he is. Okay?

I wouldn't tell you if I knew.

We're going to boot camp for a big tournament next week.

-Yallah, habibi. -There he is!

What's happening, Kasim?

-It's structural racism, bro. -Oh, shut up.

They think I'm involved because I'm brown.

You were involved.

See that fucker there? Niels.

He and Hassan are up to some shit, I'm not part of it.

-Why the hell are you in the photo? -Why do you think?

I'm studying smoke on overpass.

Have you forgotten about Crazy LAN Randers?

I haven't forgotten we're going to Crazy LAN.

But we won't get there if we help you escape.

We're in a fucking getaway car.

-Stop the car! -Sorry, but no.

I'm serious.

-Carina's due date is... -It's in two weeks.

-Two weeks. -You're not giving birth.

I know, but I have to be there for her.

I'm going to...

Fuck! It's the shorta, lads. The fucking shorta.

Shorta? It's the cops!

-Maybe a wheel hub is missing. Stop. -No way!

Drive, Kasim, drive!

What are you doing, Kasim?

Stop, Kasim!

Easy!

I need to get a seatbelt on.

Kasim! Kasim!

There's no seatbelt!

Are you fucking insane?

-What the fuck? Are you insane? -Shut up, man.

Do it again. It was fucking hilarious.

Shut up, for fuck's sake.

What the fuck are you doing?

Chill out, Adolf.

You've got to control that Arab passion.

You have to.

-Control? Are you in control? -Yeah.

There's just this smell of piss in here.

-It's coffee. -You don't drink coffee.

I spilt cocoa. That's what I was saying.

-Did you wet your pants? -No, I didn't!

-Shall we call your mum and... -I didn't! Stop!

Come on, stay here.

Hello?

Fuck!

Who are you trying to call?

The police.

We might as well give up. It's lost.

Aren't we going to train for Randers?

We're not going to Randers, Henrik.

The cops are lying in wait to taser us when we walk out of the woods.

-We have to turn ourselves in. -No, the whole team is together.

Consider the chase a part of boot camp.

If we can run from the police, we can beat the other teams in Randers.

How about looking for the cottage by following the paths?

-There's no mobile signal. -I used to do orienteering.

Right, okay.

Okay, let's do it.

-Are you ready? -Yeah, just don't tell the others.

-I won't say anything. -It's just cocoa.

I'll hug you sideways.

We're going orienteering!

Come on.

This is it.

I think this is it.

I think this is...

I think this is it.

-Do you? -Yeah.

I told you I'd find it.

You're a good tracker dog.

Lick your bollocks and pat your head.

It's a funny way of saying thanks.

Thanks, Henrik.

Is there music coming out of there?

Yeah, I think there is.

Why?

You take care of that and...

Let's unpack.

I hope it's warm inside.

-Shall we just start? -Yeah.

I'll go round the back.

Hello?

Open up!

Cheers.

What? What do you want?

Hi, my name's Sebastian.

I'm an athlete and we're having a boot camp here this weekend.

-So... -Okay, I'm Trine.

My band has rented the cottage for a week, so no.

You must have made a little mistake.

Can't I fill out a hire form just because I'm a woman?

No, I don't think it has anything to do with your gender.

Oh? Doesn't it?

No.

Sorry. It's nice that you came because

I was getting tired of this forest where you can't feel the patriarchy.

Yeah.

Girls! Some men want our house.

Pack your gear and let's fuck off.

Thanks for being so understanding.

Yeah, and fuck you.

-What's all this about? -Stop it, Toke.

Henrik! Henrik!

-Henrik! -What's up?

The house is full of punk girls.

They're everywhere and they won't negotiate.

They're horrible and they won't go.

It's a shame, but Carina will be happy.

She gets anxious when I'm not around. Let's go home.

You're staying here.

Go home, Gustav? We can't go home.

Did the Spartans go home when they were at Talupale?

What?

Did the Spartans go home when they fought their battle at Talupale?

He means Thermopylae.

-Didn't you see the film? -No.

Listen up, lads.

We have to approach this as if we're in Dust 2, okay?

We'll split into two teams. I'm the in-game leader, I stay here.

You go long, you go short. We'll smoke and flash all along.

Those girl punks are going to die, okay?

We're going to shoot them up.

-Are they standing behind me, Henrik? -Yes, they are.

Just like in a movie.

-How long have they been there? -I'd say 10 to 15 seconds.

When I snap my finger, hand me the...

Oh, right.

It's apparent that we have hired the cottage for the weekend.

Yeah, that's true.

I see that you booked the cottage.

It's an honest mistake. It happens to the best of us.

In 2022.

-Can I have a look? -They must have changed it.

Did you change the dates? Are you that evil?

Evil bitches who just rewrite things as you see fit, or what?

-Chill. -It always said "20". I know it.

I'm very sorry. Please forgive my friend.

As you can see, he is brain damaged.

The doctors think he gamed it to destruction.

There's something I don't understand. Didn't you say you were an athlete?

You bet I did.

Because I'm a man, and I compete in E-sports.

So you're gamers?

Yeah.

-Do you play Counter-Strike? -We do.

Paulina and I play Counter-Strike too.

Nice.

Oh, that Paulina is sexy.

I'm more into Amanda.

She's got a small arse, but nice tits.

I love tits. I love licking and sucking them.

Listen to you! The only tits you ever sucked are your mum's.

The only cock you deep-throated is your dad's.

That's crazy, bro!

Who do you fancy, Henrik?

I only want Solvej, to be honest.

Stop that depressing shit.

You'll only get over an old bitch by being with a new one.

I'd never sleep with a snitch.

Lads, we're not going to have sex with any of those girls.

We have to focus, like boxers. They don't have sex before a match.

We have to store our energy and release it all over Randers.

And I promise that the moment we win Crazy LAN Randers,

you'll be swimming in so much pussy, arse and tits

that you'll go crazy and have to give pussy away to your mates.

You'll be calling your parents: "Do you want pussy? I've got too much."

You'll be scooping pussy out of your doorways with snow shovels.

You won't know what to do. Who wants pussy...

What's up?

-What are you talking about? -Nothing, nothing at all.

We're not trying to exclude you because of your gender.

Not at all. But... Er... Well...

Okay.

Listen. No fucking whatsoever, okay?

You're fucking great, lads.

Rushing B now.

I'm rushing B now.

Kasim, go long. Go long.

-Good call, Seb. -Go long.

Grind on like this, and we'll be ready for Randers.

Fuck.

It's a shame, but...

What happened, lads?

Lads?

Are you fucking kidding me?

I thought you guys were busy.

No... Actually, boot camp isn't all about playing.

For instance, we ran from the cops today.

Nice. The cops?

Kasim is wanted by Interpol.

I knew I'd seen you somewhere.

This is the criminal mastermind on the front page of Ekstra Bladet.

Yours truly.

-Didn't you say it was that Niels? -It was me.

Gamer and thug. So sexy.

-Hi. -Hi, Sebastian.

You're upsetting the mental zen of my players.

-We're just having a chat. -May I get a word in edgeways?

Okay.

You know bollocks, right?

Men perform much better with semen in their scrotum.

I don't know why. Studies have shown it. It's just a fact.

-Oh, okay. -Stop!

This is important to me.

Girls, I'm only asking you

to let me have the semen of my players this weekend.

May I please have your sperm this weekend, Gustav?

Yeah.

-Kasim, may I have your sperm? -No way, man.

-Okay, have my sperm, bro. -Cheers.

Toke.

May I have your sperm?

Yeah.

Henrik, your sperm is the most important. Please?

Please get out of the hot tub and play computer games.

-Yeah, it's just... -Stand up, Henrik.

It's cold, so I need to gather my courage.

Ten minutes.

That's why women have children with sperm donors.

Go!

-Nice shot, Henrik. -Splitter B! Go!

Dead ahead, rotate short A.

Flashing now!

Pushing smoke. You first, Kasim.

What's happening, Toke?

-What the fuck are you doing, man? -Hey!

Hey, Toke!

What are you doing?

Stop shooting, Toke! Stop shooting!

-Toxic, are you okay? -What are you doing?

Have you taken your medication?

I didn't take my pills!

Hey! Hey!

-What are you doing? -Stop!

Sit down! Sit down!

What the hell's going on?

-I forgot my Ritalin at home. -What do we do?

Well, the addict needs his drug.

I'll fix it.

I'll be right back. And remember, my seat is the middle one.

What's up, kids? We're home alone now.

Party!

Hello, I'd like to buy some...

CASHIER 5 OVER THE COUNTER 956 CASHIER 6 PRESCRIPTION 358

Number 57.

I got number 60.

Number 57?

I'm the only person here.

I'll get to you in a moment.

I'm in a hurry with a situation getting out of control. Can we...

Number 58?

CASHIER 5 OVER THE COUNTER 958

Number 59?

Fifty-nine?

-Number 60? -Yes.

-That's me. -How can I help you?

I'd love some Ritalin.

Do you have a prescription?

I can't hand out Ritalin.

Look, I have...

-Number 61. -Yes! That's me.

I have a prescription.

-It's fake. -No, it isn't.

-What's your doctor's name? -It says there.

It says "unknown".

Yeah.

Un Non, that's actually her name.

She's Thai, married to a Dane.

If you don't believe me, call her. The number's right here.

-McDonald's customer service. -I lied, I'm sorry.

But I don't know what to do.

Do you have anything over the counter to help a poor ADHD kid?

Maybe you're too nice to risk a relationship for.

Solvej actually said I was too much of a bad boy for her.

I like bad boys.

Couldn't it be bad for you?

That's what my caseworker says.

Shall I show you how it's done?

Er, yeah.

-Henrik? -Yeah.

-Solvej is a closed chapter, okay? -Okay.

She's moved on and you should do the same.

Yeah.

My body is an amusement park, and you have a season pass.

Come with me, bad boy.

Let's go to the lake.

What now? Why are they always after me? I'm not black.

Shit! It's the fucking pigs!

Stop! Stop!

I'm innocent. I don't know mastermind Kasim.

I don't want to die, okay? I don't want to die.

I don't want to die. No! Ouch!

Is that your car?

No, it's Copy Allan's.

Then let's call him to verify.

-Okay, Google. Call Copy Allan. -Calling McDonald's.

Don't call McDonald's, call Copy Allan.

Calling Copy Allan.

Hej, Seb. I'm in the middle of something fun, so make it quick.

The police want to talk to you.

It's not a convenient time.

I'd like to know if you're the owner of a VW Transporter,

-registration number AG84116. -Yeah! Yeah!

Copy that.

Listen. The car isn't registered. We'll have to seize it.

Yes, Madam Officer. I'm coming!

I'm coming. Here I come!

We'll have to take the car.

And what were you saying about some guy called Kasim?

Nothing.

So you caused all that chaos some weeks back?

Yes, it was us.

I had to look out for us. It was my job.

You guys were after Kasim and I had to protect Henrik.

Why?

I was the in-game leader.

That's a lot more than just in the game.

It's also in real life.

Instead of helping Henrik, I destroyed him.

Have a safe trip.

Fucking losers.

Henrik!

When did you last snog anyone?

Henrik! Henrik! Henrik!

Oh, no. No.

Henrik!

Stop!

Henrik! Henrik! Henrik!

What the hell are you doing?

-Do you need a hand? -No, I don't.

What are you doing?

Henrik, listen to your heart.

It's Solvej you love, not Trine.

Solvej doesn't want me, she wants Norwegian Chris.

No, that's not true. Look at this.

It's all black.

But... Okay, it's broken.

Trust me. She changed her Facebook status. They've split up.

She left him.

It says so on Facebook.

Trine.

Trine, it's been nice to know you, but I think I have to say goodbye.

I'm sure your body is a great amusement park, but it's not for me.

You're a bumper car, and Solvej is a Ferris wheel,

and that's what I like. Sebastian knows what I mean.

What?

Thanks for everything. You're a beautiful girl.

Bye, Trine.

-Take my computer, Sebastian! -Like the wind! Run like the wind!

Faster! We're on the run.

I'm not as criminal as you think.

I'm actually a law student at the University of Copenhagen.

I'm doing a Ph.D. in computer science. Ready?

You're the sickest cock-blocker ever.

Sorry, Trine.

But he mentioned something about riding a bumper car, so maybe you...

The park is closed, you big shit.

Oh, fuck!

Kasim, you are under arrest. Remain calm.

Throw smokes in the overpass!

Fuck the police!

This is so naughty.

Stop what you're doing!

Do you have any more trips to go on before Crazy LAN Randers?

No.

So why are we here?

Because I'm such an idiot.

Solvej! Solvej!

-Henrik? -Hi, Solvej.

-What are you doing here? -I came as soon as I heard.

I'm here now.

If you need to talk to someone. I'm always there for you.

I'll always be there for you.

I love you.

What's up?

-Hi, Chris. -Hi.

What's Chris doing here?

He... He lives here.

For the time being, until we move to Stavanger,

where he's going to be an astronaut.

Yeah, it's a bit closer to the moon.

Facebook says he's no longer your boyfriend.

That's right, he's my fiancé.

-Are you engaged? -Yes, we are.

Henrik! Are you okay?

Do I give him the kiss of life?

Maybe it's best if I do it.

Subtitles by: www.plint.com