All language subtitles for Trainwreck.2015.UNRATED.BRRip.XviD.AC3-RARBG SDH

Fixed & Synced by bozxphd.Enjoy The Flick

Girls, your mother and
I are getting divorced.

Don't cry. I know you're
upset, I know you're confused.

I don't know what
your mother told you,

but let me explain it
from my side,

in terms you can understand.

You got your doll, right?

You got your doll there.

Yeah.

You got your doll, you like
your doll, right? Yes.

You love your doll. Yeah.

Yes, you love the doll.

But what if I told you

that was the only doll
you're allowed to play with

the rest of your life?

How would you feel?

Sad.

You'd feel sad! Of course!

Because there's a lot of
other dolls on your shelves.

And if you play
with the other dolls,

you can't have
that doll anymore.

Even though that
doll doesn't really

want to play with
you at this point.

You're both living a lie!

There's other dolls you like,

and they're making
new dolls every year.

You want a stewardess doll?

BOTH: Yeah.

What about a slightly overweight
cocktail waitress doll?

BOTH: Yeah.

What about a doll
who happens to be

best friends
with your main doll?

BOTH: Yeah.

It could happen, right?
BOTH: Yeah.

What about a doll you only play
with one day and never see again?

BOTH: (EMPHATICALLY) Yeah!

What about a doll where your
friend's playing with the doll,

and he needs you to kind of
man up with the other doll.

You don't even want
to play with that doll,

but you do it because your
friend's playing with that doll.

You don't wanna sit there and
leave the other doll unattended.

BOTH: Yeah.

So that's why me and Mom
are getting divorced.

Monogamy isn't realistic!

BOTH: Monogamy isn't realistic!

Again!

BOTH: Monogamy isn't realistic.

Again!

(KISSING)

(MOANING)

AMY: I never do this.
This is so weird for me.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

I really like these ones.

Oh, no!

Shit! That's your dick? Uh-huh!

Too big! Your dick doesn't end.

Why doesn't your dick end?
(CHUCKLES)

Have you ever
fucked someone before?

Where is she buried?

That looks like the whole
cast of Game of Thrones.

Come here.

You know what?

I'm, like, really shy, Uh-huh.

So we should probably
do this first

so I feel comfortable with you.

Yeah, all right.

A little warm-up. I know.
Yeah, a little warm-up.

You taste like mango.

Just stop talking, okay?
Just, like...

Just do the alphabet.

Just hang up at the top.

Everything important
is up at the top.

Yeah, that's good.

Okay.

(INHALING SHARPLY)

(MOANS)

(SNORING)

MAN: Hey, you like that, right?

(WHISPERS) Amy?

Hey.

I think it's my turn, baby.

Amy, seriously, my turn.

Muffin, remember you
said you were gonna...

(CONTINUES SNORING)

MAN: Okay.

AMY: Hey, guys, I'm Amy.
Don't judge me, fuckers!

I'm just a sexual girl, okay?

I am fine. I am in control.

This is clearly
not my first rodeo.

The key is to never
ever let them sleep over.

I got a couple of ticks
to The Black Keys,

Thursday, if you want... Ooh...

Thanks. Bye!

AMY: All right, good night.

All right, bye. Good night.

Oh...

I guess I do love pussy.
(CHUCKLES)

AMY: Look, I have a great job
and my apartment is sick,

and my friends and
family are awesome,

and I'm sort of seeing someone.

This dude is not him.

This guy is who
I'm seeing. Kind of.

He's hot, right?

He is great, but it is like
fucking an ice sculpture.

(SNORING)

Okay, so I broke
the sleepover rule.

Where am I?

Scarface poster. Ugh!

Please don't be a dorm room.
Please don't be a dorm room.

There she is.
Buenos dÃas, baby.

Oh, my God!

You look like an angel.

What time is it?

MAN: It's like 7:30
in the morning.

I didn't know if I should
let you sleep or not.

Or make you breakfast.

I chose breakfast.

Where am I?

Oh, you're in
Staten Island, sugar!

What?

AMY: Fuck!

Hey, so when do you think
I'm gonna see you again?

Soon. Like, really, really soon.

Hey, hey, hey.
You don't gotta rush off.

Oh.

My God, you're stunning.

Thank you.

Hey, so Saturday...

Saturday, my aunt is getting married, and
she's having a little barbecue beforehand,

and I would love it
if you were my date, baby.

Like, if I walked in with you?
Oh, my God.

Johnny would be like,
"Yo! Oli, what's up, kid?

Like, "Who's that piece?"
You know? "She's bodied down."

Right, I don't know what that means, but,
like, I can't do that because, like,

you and I won't ever
see each other again.

I didn't think you were gonna, like,
follow up so quick about hanging out,

but this is it for us.

Well, but... Our journey's over.

I could just say I'd see ya...
Till Saturday.

Our journey's over now because
I probably won't see you,

because I gotta get to work, and
you gotta go be foine as hell.

Okay, bye.
I got Bikram yoga, so...

Hey, you can say whatever you
want, baby, but hips don't lie.

Hey, check your Twitter,
I might direct message you.

Might DM.

Yes, sir!

Yes, sir!

NOAM: What's up, buddy?
Help me out, dude. Come on.

Noam, watch out. Good morning.

On! Amy!

There she is, my princess.

What happened? Did
church let out early?

Ha-ha. (CHUCKLES)

NOAM: Hey! Amy,
where are you going?

This isn't Planned Parenthood.

Oh, my God. Shut up!

You have to tell me
everything about last night.

I went on your Instagram.
That guy is like, so hot.

He looks kind of like
a white Drake. No.

He was like
a Puerto Rican Gollum.

I'm not talking about it.

AMY: Do you have to pee?
Yeah, totally.

(TINKLING)

AMY: Did you hear Johnny Depp is
coming into the office today?

NIKKI: Oh, yeah.
I'm all over that.

Which version of Johnny Depp

would you most
wanna have sex with?

Which one does it
for you the most?

Because I can't
stop thinking about it.

For me, it's
Pirates of the Caribbean.

I love a fully
made up, long hair,

almost feminine-looking
Johnny Depp.

Not almost. He looks like a
beautiful woman in that movie.

Yeah. Who would be yours?

I'm thinking, like, an Edward
Scissorhands Johnny Depp.

You would get totally cut up.

Yeah, but he'd feel
so bad about it

that he'd be like,
"I'll never leave you."

And I would get,
like, a sick haircut.

Yeah. Yeah.

But also, guess what?
Willy Wonka, bring it on.

Oh, my God, totally. Right?

Yeah. I would fuck the shit

out of Willy Wonka Johnny Depp.

DIANNA: Okay, my babes,
I want your undivided.

I've been looking
at your pitches

and these are my thoughts.

Nikki.

Why are you smiling?

I'm not smiling,
I'm just very nervous.

DIANNA: Stop smiling.
Stop smiling.

That's even more. Nikki.

The more nervous I get,
the more I smile, so...

Stop smiling.

Stop it. Stop it.

Nikki, shut it down. Come on.
Bring it down, bring it down.

That's it.

I'm sick of your
ginger nonsense.

I don't wanna see
those gnashers. No.

Stop it. What's this?

BRYSON: That's our
new intern, Donald.

I thought we were getting
a chick, but he's here.

Okay. Welcome, Donald.

Welcome to S'nuff where we are
teaching the strong-willed man

how to dress, think, eat, fuck.

Do you like the
magazine, Donald?

Oh, yeah, it's pretty much all I read.
Good answer.

Look, this is ours. This is ours.
Right? We made this.

What's our demographic?

ALL: Every-fucking-one.

Thank you. You can go now.

Yeah, thank you.
It's a big opportunity.

Right, pitch me.
Pitch me hard. Schultz?

So I was thinking
of something called

the "S'nuff Guide to
Beating Off at Work."

Where to do it, how to do it,

how not to get caught.

How to get caught.

SCHULTZ: Makes it more fun.

I already started
the research, you guys.

(CHUCKLING)

DIANNA: Bryson? Okay, I got one.

"You're not gay. She's boring."

DIANNA: Good. Yeah?

Fantastic! I can see it.
Thank you.

Okay. I have another to pitch.

Maybe a cover, I don't know.

Uh...

"You call those tits?"

That's good. Yeah.

And then maybe like a
"Where are they now?" piece

about the kids Michael
Jackson gave settlements to.

DIANNA: Good. Ooh...

I want to know.

That's good, yeah.

I play ice hockey with one of them.
I'll get an email.

DIANNA: Yeah, that's good.

Right. So, assignments.

Schultz, you're on
the Ryan Phillippe piece.

Oh! What?

Yes! Crash was epic.

I was thinking I would take a
stab at the Phillippe piece.

No. Ryan, I tell you, he's
in a major funk right now,

and he will respond much better

to a male who is neither
attractive nor masculine.

Blam! That's me right here.

Bryson, I've got
a red mark by your name.

Why would that be? Yes, okay.

I am pitching Dr. Aaron Conners.

He works with
some of the Knicks.

He's this incredible, young
sports physician on the rise,

and he just created
this revolutionary

knee insert that cuts
recovery time in half.

He's about to perform it
on Amar'e Stoudemire.

It will be the first time it's
ever been done on a pro athlete.

If we get this,
we'll have access

to the biggest names in sports.

LeBron, Durant, Blake Griffin.

I've heard of this guy. He did
D'Brickashaw Ferguson's knee, right?

Yes.

Yeah, and Metta
World Peace's too.

Yeah. Thabo Sefolosha owes his
whole career to this guy.

Are these real names?

What's that, Amy? Your thoughts?

AMY: I'm sorry, I just...

I don't know why we treat
these athletes like heroes

just because they can skate fast

or kick a ball in a net.

I just think it's weird.
No offense.

I just think that
sports are stupid,

and anyone who likes them

is just, like, a lesser person.

And has a small intellect.

Killer. I want you
to write the piece.

What? What?

Oh, no, I literally
can't stomach sports.

Yeah, I know. Your
opposition is perfection.

This really feels
like a Bryson article.

Yeah, this feels like a "me" article.
I pitched it.

Yeah, you pitched it.
I'm giving it to Amy.

What are you saying? You
giving me some attitude here?

This isn't a fucking
medical journal.

I can do opposition,
I can do sexy.

I want that. I want that hatred.

I'm giving it to Amy.

Don't sulk at me.
I'm not sulking.

This is my decision.
I'm giving it to Amy.

Sure. Fine.

BRYSON: I can do sexy though.
Sorry?

Huh? Nothing. I'm fine.
DIANNA: What?

I'm just having fun.
(CHUCKES DRYLY)

DIANNA: Nikki,
I want you to research

whether garlic makes semen
taste any different.

Oh... Um...

How am I supposed to get the...
DIANNA: Thank you.

You inspire me.

It tastes the same.

Amy.

I'm not trying to punish you.

Does it feel a little like I am?

No, no, I appreciate the...

I know you want to branch
out and cover more,

and you do know
I'm looking for a new

executive editor, don't you?

I do know that, and I'm
very, very interested.

Hmm. I'd love to be considered.

Especially my dad's
house isn't selling

and my sister and I
just had to put him

in this assisted living place,

and you would think it was like
the Waldorf. It's so expensive.

Is this your one-woman
show right now?

Because I ain't got a ticket.

You know, just
eviscerate the piece.

I'm giving you an assignment.
Right, yeah.

Hmm? And, Amy, if you would
teach this about this.

So, does she have
a foreign accent

or is she just awesome?

Don't talk to me for two weeks.

AMY: That's my sister Kim.
She's cute, right?

Well, back off! She's
totally married as fuck!

Our dad's MS has
gotten really bad,

so he can't live
by himself anymore.

We're cleaning out his house.

KIM: There's your box.

That stuff's Goodwill,
that stuff's eBay,

and the stuff up front is trash.

AMY: This stuff's eBay?
KIM: Yeah.

I wanna go through this.

No, don't go through it.

That's stuff we can
make money off of.

Why are they here?

KIM: They're picking me up.

Hey, Mother, look,
we got a croquet set!

Great job, sweetpea!

He calls you Mother?
That's not creepy.

Yeah, it's his choice.

Have him call you Stepmother.

It's more accurate.

I've raised that child!

Mom, I found a glove.

Hey, buddy, how you doing? Good.

What are you studying in school?

I'm learning about space

and all the celestial objects

and how there are

planets and solar systems,

and sometimes there could
be multiple universes

but people don't know
how to describe that yet,

but it's a new theory,

and I'm so excited to see if
they figure it out or not.

Great.

See you around.

Okay.

Why is he dressed
like Colonel Sanders?

He got to dress himself
and that's what he chose.

That's what the inside of his
heart looks like. Be nice.

Can you just be
real for a second?

If you just met
that dude at a CVS,

you'd have a real
problem with him.

Can you just
pretend to like him?

I am pretending.

Ooh, I like Tom's sweater.

He's doing the
To Catch a Predator look.

Amy! What?

TOM: Amy, what's up?

Hey! Looking sharp.

Looking sharp, rnan. Thanks.

TOM: Nice to see you.
AMY: Nice to see you.

I was reading your article about

how to talk your girlfriend
into a three-way.

You read that one? Yeah.

Wow!

No. Would you do that?

No.

That got off the table quick.

Yeah.

Let him do what he wants.

You guys should make a sex tape.

I would. Uh...

I did high school theater.

I think I'd be pretty good.
(LAUGHING)

AMY: This nursing home is nice.
KIM: Yeah.

It's too nice and
it's too expensive

and we should've
put him in a shithole.

We did. I mean, it's a shithole.

It's just the nicest shithole.
Yeah.

Places where the nurses don't
fuck the patients are expensive.

That's what you're paying for.

It's not the food, sister.

Ew!

"Condoms ribbed
for his pleasure"?

Ew! (GASPS)

I better hold on to these.

Is this coke?

No. Dad didn't love coke.

He was just a
full-blown alcoholic.

(SNORTING) (GASPS)

No. It must just be from
a Halloween costume. Oh.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

KIM: Moving on.
AMY: Let's just...

Amy, don't touch it.

These are his memories.

No, don't do that! Toss it away.

What? He needs his wallet.

We've got so much stuff to go through.
Please stop...

Oh! He loves that poster.

I know.

Kimberly! Stop it!
Stop it! Girl!

Come on! Not cool, girl!

That felt good.

It's not right.

Alaska.

No. Don't throw
away his snow globes.

These are his memories. He got
one of these everywhere he went.

Does he have one for every
one of our teachers?

I don't see them.

He didn't fuck all our teachers.

He fucked all of my teachers.

No, he never fucked Mr. Hecht.

I did.

I'm just kidding. (LAUGHS)

You know, he wouldn't, but...

Where's that?

Hamburg?

Auschwitz.

What?

I guess they have a gift shop.

(GASPS)

Oh, man! Look at this.

AMY: Mom was so fuckable then.

She had the best tits.

When she would lay down,
they would just stay put.

Mine are just like, "See ya!"

(CHUCKLES)

My titties are like, "Peace!"

KIM: Dad was such a dick.

(SIGHS)

I don't really see it that way.

Can we mix it up a little bit?

Will you talk dirty to me?

Come on. Come on!

Amy, no. It's not
something I do well.

I'm not really verbal, okay?

I'm more physical
in how I communicate.

You're gonna be great at it.
I'm gonna sound stupid.

I don't wanna sound stupid.
You're not gonna sound stupid.

Clear your mind and say
whatever pops in it, okay?

Just try it. Say anything.

All right.

I'm gonna give you
my full pecker. Yeah.

Okay.

Because of the pecs,

but "pecker" is
kind of like my dick.

Yeah, I got it. I understood
what you meant by "pecker."

(GRUNTING) I'm gonna
fill you with protein.

I'm gonna give you
the protein you need

to survive when
you're making muscles.

I'm gonna put my
green drink in you.

Yeah. Beta-carotene
and vegetable mix.

Can it not be about protein

or energy or nutrition?

Can you just talk
about sex stuff?

All right. Yes. Just sexy stuff.

Talk to me.

There's no "I" in "team"

but there's an "I" in "win."

Can't spell "victory"
without "T-R-Y."

Winning isn't everything.
It's the only thing.

Okay, these are
just sports phrases.

Are these Nike slogans?
Please just...

You want the "Just do it"?
Do you want that one?

No! Just have sex with me
and say some dirty shit.

(SPEAKING IN MANDARIN)

What is that?

Talking to you dirty in Chinese.
That's what I'm doing.

What? I've been studying
Mandarin in my off time.

(SPEAKING IN MANDARIN)

"Do you need to go
to the bathroom?"

Please don't speak Chinese
or whatever during sex.

Okay, no problem.

I'm sorry. I don't mean
to be so picky.

You look discouraged
and you're doing great.

I told you I wasn't
gonna be any good at this.

Can we try something else?

Yeah. Talk about
the first time you saw me.

Okay?

That's easy. I remember
it like it was yesterday.

Yeah?

I was just getting
done in the gym.

You were leaving that
pizza place, remember?

Yeah.

And you were holding on to that box.
(MOANING) Mmm-hmm.

And you walked out. You
were wearing those jeans.

Oh, God! They looked
so good from behind.

Uh-huh! Oh!

From behind... Yeah, yeah.

You looked like a dude. What?

Oh!

(GRUNTING)

Don't move! Don't move at all!
Anything!

Ah! You're moving your arm.

Fudge ripple ice cream!

Ah!

(GRUNTS)

Oh! Yeah!

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

Oh...

That was great.

We gotta make that part of our program.
For sure.

Really onto something.

(SIGHS)

STEVEN: Amy, don't forget
to hydrate, babe.

We went verbal!

The boys make the noise!

NOAM: What's up, brother?
Yes, I'm loving it.

Rastaman! Digging it with the rolling bag.
Mixed messages.

Come back over here.
I love you on Glee.

How's it going? Amy,
what's happening?

You got a new sign?

Yeah, I'm working
a couple of ideas out.

Yeah. I'm going to visit my dad.

Oh. How is he?

We put him in an assisted
living facility.

I don't know how
nice it is, actually.

Oh. I know exactly how you feel.

The car I take a shit in,

they towed it.

Yeah.

Sucks. Sorry, man.
All right. I'll see you later.

I'll see you later.
I'll be here.

Hey, I'm digging
that back camel toe.

NORMAN: What a
ridiculous statement!

You're talking about the most
talented player on all levels.

None of these bums
are the equal of Babe Ruth.

Norman, Babe Ruth was awful.
Stop it!

How can you negate facts?

Just be nice to him.

I am nice to him.
He's not nice to me.

Babe Ruth was a superhero.
He was Superman!

Easy to be a Superman when
you never played against

a black guy your whole life.

What does white/black
got to do with it?

Every 12-year-old kid in the
Dominican Republic right now

can probably beat Babe Ruth.

Blah, blah, blah!

GORDON: Before 1947,
it's one big asterisk. Norman!

Can you just keep a low
profile for two weeks, here?

GORDON: Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't want to offend
any of these people

fucking each other with Viagra
day and night, God forbid.

Can you just be
nice and make friends?

After 7:00...

After dinner,

it turns into Caligula
around here. Trust me.

Please. It's a madhouse.

It's like the Playboy
Mansion, for Christ's sake.

This place? Yes.

(SIGHS)

You got my Mets stuff?

Yeah.

Amy.

I'll bring it by.

Amy. Look at me.

Amy?

Kim made me throw
a lot of it away.

Kim made you? Your little sister?
Yes.

She's mean as a dog.

Jesus!

I tried. I'm so sorry.

What do I care? It's all
memorabilia, anyway.

I'm memorabilia at this point.

Don't say that.

AMY: Dr. Conners?

Hi. Hey.

Amy Townsend.

Aaron Conners.

Great to meet you.
Nice to meet you.

Thank you so much
for letting me come in.

No worries.

Um, so...

How does this work?

Oh, uh, today is really
just to go over schedules.

Okay.

AMY: If that's cool.
Yeah, that's great.

Uh, I have never
been interviewed

for a magazine. (KNOCKING)

AARON: Hey, LeBron. Hey.

Sorry, I don't mean
to interrupt.

Did I leave my sunglasses here?

I don't know. Did you?

I was sitting...
Oh, here they are.

Did you just drive
40 minutes back here

to look for your sunglasses?

Yeah, of course.
You think I'm gonna give.

Sunglass Hut
another $30 for these?

You crazy?

Hey, how you doing?

Wait, your watch costs
more than my apartment.

Oh, this thing? That was a gift.

We watching Downton Abbey later?

Uh, if I get out of here on
time, yeah, we could watch it.

If not, let's do it tomorrow.
LEBRON: What?

I'm watching it tonight,

because I'm not gonna go to
practice in the morning,

and all the guys are talking
about it and I'm left out.

Hey, do what you gotta do.

Can you validate
my parking, please?

I don't validate. You
should talk to Cheryl.

Okay, take care.
Nice meeting you.

AARON: Bye, LeBron.
Thanks, buddy.

LEBRON: Cheryl, can you
validate my parking, please?

Tall! Yeah, I know, right?

Do you know who that was?

A basketball player.

He's LeBron James. He's kind
of "the" basketball player.

Oh, yeah. I think I saw one
of his soda commercials.

Yeah.

Do you follow sports?

Oh, my God.

Sports? I love them.

Who are your favorite teams?

I like smaller teams.
Not the big leagues.

I like the Long Island Mediums.

The Acorn Pine Cones.

Haven't heard of them. The
Fire Island Penguins.

I like the Cincinnati
Thunder-Wizards.

You can stop.

The Orlando...

Blooms.

You can stop.
You don't follow sports.

I'm sorry, I don't.

I don't know
anything about sports.

You know what? That's okay, though.
Don't be embarrassed.

I'm sorry. No, don't
be embarrassed

because I actually didn't follow
sports until I got this job.

Really? Yeah.

Oh, my God! You have no idea
what a huge relief that is.

I was assigned this.

This was not even my pitch.

Right. So you're
doing the article on me?

Mmm-hmm.

Awesome.

I think they're kind of weird
and it's just strange.

Grown men wearing jerseys with
another man's name on it.

Like, are you in jail?
Are you his bitch?

Right. Kind of like that one?

That's different,
because it's in a frame.

I think sports brings
people together.

It kind of forms a community.

That's what I'm saying.
Right. Yeah. Obviously.

I'll tell you another thing
that's great about this job,

is that I get to
work with athletes,

which means that I
work with a lot of...

Black people? ...Injuries.

What did you just say?
Did you say "black people"?

No.

Do you have a problem
with black people?

(CHUCKLING) No.
I love black people.

I prefer black people.

Do you have black friends?

Endless black friends.

Can you show me pictures of your
black friends on your phone?

You want to see pictures on
my phone of my black friends?

Amy, you gotta have
a lot of them.

I have so many. I'm deciding which
one, because there's so many.

Oh! Here we go. Oh, great.
Let's see it.

You're gonna be eating your words.
Oh, good.

You ready? Yeah, I'm ready.

Okay, get ready. Black friend.

AARON: That is you
and a white friend,

and that is a black
waiter pouring your water.

Let me find another one.
Oh. My phone died.

Um, I'm gonna let you
get back to doctoring.

Oh, thanks.

I'll talk to your... Cheryl.

Cheryl about when we can meet again.
Yeah.

Great.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE: No,
we're not going into the park.

We've been in the park already.

Sorry I'm late. No, it's okay.

It's a wonderful film
Daniel Radcliffe is in.

What is this movie?

Radcliffe is a dog walker,

but he's got a chip on his
shoulder, a real edge.

Sundance loved it.

I need help with my dog.

I can see that.

I would love to be the one
to help you with your dog.

What's your technique?

I put them on
a leash and walk them.

You talk a big game.

That's because I walk a big dog.

MARISA TOMEI:
She looks little...

Amy.

What's up?

Is that wine in a box?

Mmm-hmm.

I have red, too.

STEVEN: You have red, too?

Is this guy ever gonna shut up?

Please watch the movie.

Stop. That's not right.
Don't do this to me.

Why is he yelling?

Listen, you always
do this to me.

You show up to these places,
you put me in a situation.

I'm a big guy.

Everybody wants to fight the big guy.
Yeah, you are.

Hey, Mark Wahlberg,
shut your bitch up.

Mark Wahlberg? Me?

Who else looks like Mark Wahlberg?
Your girl?

Mark Wahlberg's, like, 150 pounds.
I'm 250, lean.

I look like Mark Wahlberg
ate Mark Wahlberg!

Your muscles aren't
the fucking problem.

It's your yapping girlfriend.

Just say "Fuck you" Yeah?

I will fuck you, all right?

I will enter you!

You're gonna "enter" me?

Did you hear what he said?

What are you talking
about right now?

(WHISPERING) I'm just
trying to intimidate him.

You're talking about raping him.

You're not about that life, champ.
I can see it.

Oh, lam about that life!
MAN: No, you're not.

No, no, no. I will get
crazy up in here.

You like movies?
We'll make a movie.

We'll make Mama
Said Knock You Out

starring my fist
and your dick hole.

MAN: Oh, shit!

What the fuck is
wrong with this dude?

He wants you.

Babe, your threats, I'm telling
you, they're super gay.

Too sexual? Yeah.

This has to be the corniest,
muscled white dude

I've ever seen
in my fucking life.

Okay, Koko B. Ware,
you know what?

You're being
an asshole, all right?

You know what I do with assholes?
I lick them.

What the fuck?

He wants to fuck you.

My pooch has been
hurt more than enough.

I will make sure no one ever
hurts your pooch again.

TOMEI: I like when you're
taking control of your dogs.

RADCLIFFE: I thought you would.

I'm back.

What did I miss?

Amy, what did I miss?

They pre-butter it.

Who's Brody?

What?

Who's Oli? Who's Brody?

Why do you have my cell phone?

Why are you smiling?

I got a little high outside.

Like, barely at all high.

Okay, while you were
outside getting high,

I was putting your phone
on silent for the movie,

and when I did that,
I noticed you have

all these guys in your phone.

There's Brody. There's a guy
listed as "Hot as Balls."

Who the fuck is "Hot as Balls"?

Stop smiling! I'm not smiling.

Those are guys from work.

Can we just watch this movie?

You know what? No, I can't.

Because as I was
turning off your phone,

I got a picture
of somebody's dick.

It was mine.

Fuck you, Tone-L You want to take
it to the parking lot? Fine!

You can't find me? I'll be
the closest one on Grindr.

That's gay.

Steven, please. I am
not in shape for this.

Stop walking like the Hulk.
I can see that you're mad.

You are being crazy!

Am I? Because I think you owe
me an explanation for this.

Do I have to worry
about you with other guys?

I'm so high right now.

Can we please talk about this tomorrow?
I'm too fucked up.

Amy, you're always fucked up.

Answer the question. Are you
hooking up with other guys?

We never said we were exclusive.

Fuck, Amy! "Exclusive"?
It's not high school.

You know, every single guy I
work out with, every single guy,

says that all you're gonna do

is mess with my
emotions and hurt me.

You guys talk
about that at the gym?

Fuck, Amy! Do I have to worry
about you with other guys?

Yes, I hook up with other guys.
(GROANS)

I don't go to
the movies with them.

That's, like, our special thing.

This is so fucking stupid.

You know what the sad part is?

I was gonna ask you to marry me.

Really?

I didn't even think
you liked me very much.

Why are you making me
feel bad about this?

You can sleep with other girls.

It's like every guy's dream.

It's not this guy's dream.

Yeah, this guy's got a dream,

and it's us making it!

Getting married,

moving out to the
countryside, having a family.

Three boys and two more boys.

Enough for a basketball team.

And I'll develop a CrossFit
program and patent it.

And I'll rule
the CrossFit world.

With you by my side.

You can be my CrossFit Queen.

That's my dream.

Hey.

Hey.

Can I leave?

Or, like, can you leave?

I just, like... I'm very high,

and I just kind of need
this interaction to be over.

You serious?

Fuck you, Amy. You are not nice.

I'm totally nice.

Maybe you should consider
changing your ways.

My "ways"? Mmm-hmm.

You would love having a family.

You sound like Steven.

I wish I could
break up with you.

Having a family is fun.

That's fun? Yeah.

They're having a boys' lunch.

Here?

AMY: Hi! Hi, ladies.

I really like your hair. Ls that
choice, or you, like, did it?

That's just my deal.
I'm bald, so...

Cool. It's like...
You look like Bruce Willis.

Like early Willis. Totally.

Thanks.

You know what?
We will have two mimosas.

Mmmm-mmm.

No, you're right. Hold the orange juice.
No orange juice.

It's sugar.

So, champagne?

Ooh! Okay.

No, no. No champagne for me.

Uh, yeah, we'll have
two champagnes.

Two champagnes. Thanks.

Okay. We'll see you in a bit.

Oh, my God. He's dying to fuck me.
Mmm-hmm.

Wait, why aren't you drinking?

Have a drink with me.

Wait. NO!

You're pregnant?

I'm pregnant.

Ugh!

God!

Tom's the father.

Ew! (LAUGHS)

God. They look like
they're on a speed date.

Say "Congratulations."

(SCOFFS)

We're telling Dad.

I'll tell him at the
new nursing home.

The one that's cheaper.

It's not okay.
You're telling him.

GORDON: Kim, are you serious?

Oh, my God. Congratulations!

You're pregnant. (LAUGHS)

Oh, my God.
Come here, come here.

GORDON: Oh!

My God! Oh, my God.

I'm tingling right now. I feel high.
(LAUGHING)

GORDON: I feel high!
That's incredible.

KIM: Thank you.

I'm finally gonna
be a grandfather.

You're already a grandfather.

Not yet.

You're already a grandfather.

Allister. What's that?

Allister. What about him?

That's your grandson.

Allister? (LAUGHS)

No, I mean, Allister's
your step-child

and my step-grandkid, I guess.

But I'm talking about your kid.

Our bloodlines! That's... Yeah.

I was the first
person on my block

to own a television set.

That's really not
relevant right now, Norman.

It's not relevant.

Come on, that's more
like Tom's kid.

It's Tom's kid,
who you help with.

Dad, you love Allister.

GORDON: I like Allister.

I care for him, I fear for him.

I know what happens to a kid
like that in the schoolyard.

We had a kid like that. Stewie.

We used to beat him mercilessly.

Oh!

Some of the beatings
I almost feel bad about.

That's gonna happen to this kid.

I'm trying to protect him, trying
to teach him how to be a man.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

You were the worst father ever.

Come on. I wasn't a bad father.

Mom did everything
when we were growing up.

You wouldn't understand
because you weren't there.

So, now your mother's a saint?
Of course she's a saint.

Of course, because once you
die, everybody's a saint.

Dad, just shut up.

We were talking about
this yesterday, right?

About Allister. KIM: Amy?

No! He's lying. Amy?

Amy, come on, you said
he's the kind of kid

who drops his pants to the floor

when he pees in the urinal.

AMY: No, you said that!
GORDON: That's funny to guys.

AMY: I said he
pees sitting down.

(LAUGHS) That was funny.
AMY: It was a joke.

I cannot believe that you guys

are teaming up against me again.

Oh! No! I'm on your side!

I'm on your team.
You're not on my team!

Sorry if I'm excited more about my
grandkid than some step-grandkid.

They're both your
grandkid, God damn it!

What the... Kimberly, come...

ls that your wife?

What is this speech
you have to make

for Doctors With Borders?

"Without." Without Borders.

It's "Doctors Without Borders."

Oh. Right.

Yeah, it's Doctors
Without Borders.

It's a really good organization.

Basically, we go to places
with the most conflict,

places with the
biggest disasters,

and we go in and help people.

So, you help people by choice,

and that's what you like?

Yeah. It's great work. It's very
rewarding, helping these people.

Wow!

What's your story? Are you a
Division One athlete or something?

Me? No, no. I was on the
Xbox that I was playing,

and then I got really high
and tripped on my bong.

Are you high?

Yeah.

(GUFFAWS)

Wow.

So high.

I think you got your
new article right here.

Here we go.

All right.

So, this is our Sports Medicine
and Performance Center.

Wow.

This is where most
of our athletes come

and do the rehabilitation.

What does this do?

Come on.

So the HBM shows
how your muscles

are working and moving,

so your rehab is most effective.

It could help you with
your gait, your posture.

My gait? (MACHINE BEEPS)

Mmm-hmm. AMY: Okay.

So, just walk
normal for a second.

AMY: That looks pretty good.
Okay, okay.

Just walk naturally
for one second, please.

AMY: Like this?

I walk like Beyoncé. People
always think I'm her.

We share on Instagram.

Is that how you walk down the street?
AMY: MMm-hmm.

No, this is how I walk.

I think the screen's doing different
stuff than what I'm doing.

What we can do with this,
is we could show

how you can, um, fix your
posture and your gait.

I really wouldn't
do a Hitler march.

Just walk the way you
walk down the street.

AMY: Like this?

AMY: All right.
Sorry, I'm listening.

Okay. We good? You good?

All right. Thank you.

Wait, who is this? Watch the screen.
Who is this?

Who? Kevin Spacey at end
of The Usual Suspects.

I didn't see that movie.

Oh. He's Keyser Söze.

That's not important.
It's not a spoiler. Oh.

So why don't you pick up
the speed a little bit?

That's good. That's good.

Get a nice jog going, there.
That's good.

You can speed it up a little
bit faster, if you want.

(BEEPING) AARON: Ah.

There you go. See how that's working out?
That's great.

See how your legs are lighting up green?
That's great.

You can go
a little faster, actually.

Don't lean forward like that when you run.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

You want to lean
back a little bit.

See how that's
lighting up green?

There you go.
See, that's real nice.

See how you're
landing on your heel.

You're stepping too far back.

So you want to land on
the ball of your foot.

There you go.
See, that's real nice.

(PANTING)

How do you stop? Can you
make sure this thing stops?

(MACHINE POWERS DOWN) Oh.

Whoa, whoa whoa.

Are you all right?
You're hyperventilating.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Can you get this off?

Yeah, here you go.

Look at me. Deep breath in.

Blow it out like you're blowing
out a birthday candle.

(EXHALES SLOWLY)

(BREATHING RAPIDLY)

That's good, that's good.
Slow it down. Slow it down.

(BOTH EXHALE SLOWLY)

You're just hyperventilating.

You're all right. You're okay.

Just take your time.

(EXHALES DEEPLY) You all right?

I'm hungry-Okay.

I haven't eaten much today.

Okay.

I basically had,
like, Lay's potato chips.

Stopped at a Starbucks,

had, like, one
red velvet yogurt.

And two scones. They
were, like, super small.

And then just some Chipotle,

but that stuff runs through you.

So you had breakfast,
lunch and a snack?

Yeah, that's it. Okay.

Let's go get some food.

Yeah. Yeah?

Yeah. Let's do that.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

AARON: Um...

My dad, um, is a rheumatologist

and my mom is
a college professor.

They're great. They put a
lot of pressure on me.

I was their only child, so...

Or maybe they didn't
put a lot of pressure on me.

I just put the
pressure on myself

because they did so
much great stuff, but...

No, they put pressure on me.

You know what? Can we not
put this in the article?

Is that all right? This doesn't
need to be in the article.

I don't know why I'm saying any of it.
They're great.

They're great. They're great.

Aaron's parents are great.
Aaron's parents are great.

I won't put any of that in the
article, if you don't want.

Is that all right? Yeah.

Just off the record.

Okay. Um...

Just so you know, if you want me

to keep something
out of the article,

if you want it to
be off the record,

you have to tell me before.

Oh, really?

Yeah. This can be retroactive.

I won't put your parents
in the article. Okay.

This article is gonna be killer.

Yeah, it's gonna be a bummer.

(LAUGHING)

I read some of your stuff.

Oh, my God.

No, they were really good. No.

AARON: When I started reading...

There was one thing, and I
was, like, "I don't know."

And then I started reading it
and I thought it was...

I was, like, "This is actually
really funny and smart."

It's satirical.

Thank you.

It was good.

I have other stuff that I've
written for other places.

That's just the kind of stuff
they want at this magazine.

Can I read some of it?

Yeah, you can read... You
can read some of my stuff.

Do you want to go get a drink?

Yeah. Yeah? Okay.

Can I get the check, please?
He understood.

Don't do...

Don't do the symbol and yell.

Just do one or the other.

What do you mean?

You can mouth the word
"check" really loud

and not make noise.

And that's kind of the best.

What do I do? Watch.

Check.

Okay, let me try. Okay.

(YELLS) Check? (LAUGHS) No!

No.

Am I not doing that right? No!

(YELLS) Check! Oh, my God!

Could we get the bill, please?

We'd like to pay for the food.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Okay, first kiss. This girl
named Jennifer Jennifer.

Her name was Jennifer Jennifer?

Her name was Jennifer Jennifer.

And she was very cute.

It was a Halloween party,
seventh grade.

She was shorter than me, she had
to stand up on a stone to kiss me.

It was like a Norman
Rockwell painting.

It was very cute.

Oh! And you see these teeth?
Yeah.

Look at these teeth.

They're fake, they're porcelain.

Ron Gardner, seventh grade.

I got brand new Air Jordans.
He wanted them.

Yeah?

He punched me in the
face and knocked out

my teeth and stole my shoes.

You're getting a lot
of info from me. No!

This is all off the
record, by the way.

All off the record. AMY: Yeah,
off the record. Totally.

Hey, today was really fun.

Yeah, it was great. I was a
little nervous about it.

Yeah. But no, this
was a lot of fun.

No, this was great.

Um... If you want to maybe
come by tomorrow...

Are you coming?

Oh! You going downtown?

Sweet. Uh...

AARON: Hi. Sorry.

Uh, two stops.

Just one stop.

You want to give
him your address?

(STUTTERS)
Spring and Washington.

AARON: So, this is where I live.

Uh...

It's pretty sweet. Do you
want a drink or anything?

AMY: No, thanks.
AARON: No? All right.

Uh...

This is the kitchen.

Umm...

It's a pretty sweet place.

I've been here for about a year.

You know what? Let's get
some tunes on in this place.

Holy shit. (REMOTE CLATTERS)

Hi. Hi.

(KISSING)

So we're gonna do this now?

We are gonna do this now.

Okay, that's...

Is that okay?

That's cool, yeah.

Whoa!

Do you own this place?
Are you renting it?

I own it.

Cool, that's really nice.

Oh, shit. Yeah.

We're doing this right now?

We are doing this right now.

We are off to the races.

Yeah, it's happening. Okay.

All right. That's nice.

Oh, man. Oh, God!

Oh, my God!

Good for you.

Yeah, thank you.

I didn't see this for you.

Oh, yeah? Mmm-hmm.

(BOTH SIGH)

Okay.

I'm gonna head out.

Oh, no.

Thank you.

Why don't you stay over?

Yes. No, I'm not gonna
stay here. I just...

You have an early day, I bet.

No, it's fine.

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

Are you comfortable?
No. No, I'm not.

I don't really like to spoon.

Oh.

Okay. Yeah, sorry. Can we...

If I stay here,
can we just sleep

in a realistic position?

Sure, yeah.

Because I'm a light sleeper,

and if I feel you
move or sweat or breathe,

I'll wake up and just lay here

resenting you all night.

So, yeah, can we...

Actually, could we put
this pillow in between us?

That'll be good. Put
the pillow between us?

Yeah, that's not
your main pillow

that you use, is it?

No. Okay, cool.

Let's kind of get that in there.

Thank you. Okay.

Yeah.

I'm sorry I'm nit-picking,

but you're breathing on me
pretty hard right now.

Yeah, it's like a strong wind.

What do you need me to do?

Breathe up towards the sky
and not at me. (SIGHS)

Yeah, you got it.

Sorry, it's just a lot.

Like this? Are you
feeling better?

Let me see. Do it and I'll
tell you if I can feel it.

I'm still getting
a little bit of a wind.

Oh... Jesus.

Do you want me to go home?

I can sleep at home.

No, this is so worth it.

(SIGHS)

Nikki, just hurry up
and get here.

When you're writing an article,

do you always use
a tape recorder?

No.

Um, when you're
writing an article,

what are the 10 biggest
mistakes you could make?

Plagiarizing, getting
drunk, fucking someone.

Have you ever seen any kind
of article about a fetish

where guys like to
masturbate to hockey fights?

That's not a thing. Not a thing.

Then Why'd it work for me?

We're in the middle
of something, so...

Yeah. Seriously, right?

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Okay, so, that
actually brings me

to an interesting
line of questioning.

You know what? Uh, they're
gonna want you to just do

a bunch of web stuff
because you're younger.

Everyone has a boner for young
people on the Internet, okay?

They think you have the key to it.
DIANNA: Amy!

That's why we'll do anything
we can to help you here.

Right, but when you're
writing an article...

Sorry, talk to me
about it later.

Just write them all down.

I'll be helpful later.

Okay.

I like you, Amy. I do, you know?

You're clever, but
you're not too brainy.

You're pretty-ish and you're not gorgeous.
You're approachable.

Thank you. Yeah.

I want this promotion
for you, Amy, you know?

I want you to
help me to help you.

I need to go up there,
to the men upstairs.

I need you to provide
me with the ammo

to get them to know that you
can handle their workload.

Can you handle their load, Amy?

I can handle all their loads.
That's it.

Nikki.

Hey. Where have you been?

Sorry, I was getting a smoothie.

Can you sit, please?

I slept at the doctor's
place last night.

Oh, my God, because you
were blackout drunk?

No, that's the thing. I was dead sober.
I had like two drinks.

Three, max.

Four, now that I'm tallying.
But I was sober.

So you barely drank? Barely.

Because you're on
antibiotics or something?

No, I spent the
night on purpose.

I don't understand.
I don't understand.

When you think about the sex,

are you just kind of like...

No. I'm like...

So, you're like...

No, that's not what I'm doing.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Oh, my God! He's calling.

Why would he call?
You guys just had sex.

It's probably a mistake.

It's a mistake.
He's butt-dialing you.

Hello.

AARON: Oh.
Hey, there. It's Aaron.

Oh. This is Amy.

I think you butt-dialed me.

No, I dialed you
with my fingers.

What's she saying? What did she say?
(SHUSHING)

He called me on purpose.

Hang up. He's obviously
sick or something.

Yeah, what's up?

I was calling to say I had a
really good time last night.

I was wondering if you wanted
to, um, hang out again.

Will you say that again, please?

I was wondering
if I could see you again.

You know what? I'm
gonna call the police.

Hold on, hold on.

I'll just talk to you about it

tomorrow at the interview.

Oh, yes! She said yes! Okay?

Okay, bye-

All right, I'll
talk to you then.

Oh! Man!

That's pretty cool, man.

I didn't get to hear the
whole conversation, though.

We're gonna talk about it

when we see each other tomorrow.

That's great, man.

Yeah, she's got a sexy voice.

Did you guys make love?

Yeah. Oh!

Whoo!

My boy got intimate. Yeah.

Sexual intercourse! Whoo!

Do you want to just
announce it to everybody?

My boy got a girlfriend.
Man, it's been forever!

Yeah. I'm not gonna lie.
It's been a while.

Yeah, it's been
six years since Sheila.

And that only lasted five weeks.

There was Debbie.

Debbie didn't even
tell you where she lived.

Yeah, she thought
I was a psycho.

She kept calling me "Dexter."

What I'm saying is,
you got to go for it.

You need to focus if you want
to take it to the next level.

Right.

You have to. You got
to give it everything

if you want this one, man.

It like, when I lost the
Championship in 2011,

I worked on my
game twice as hard,

worked on my post-up game,

and we wound up winning
the Championship, twice.

Yeah. Yeah.

I don't feel like
that applies to me.

But I appreciate the thought.

Aaron, you have to take a risk.
You have to. Yeah, you're right.

It's like, when I decided
to go back to Cleveland,

I wasn't totally sure they was
gonna welcome me back, man.

But they did.
They welcomed me back

with open arms
and an open heart.

Yeah, they did. Again, I feel
that applies more to you.

I don't even live in Cleveland.

But, again, I
appreciate the thought.

Cleveland, Ohio?

You're talking about the home of
The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Or maybe we go down to Canton to
the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

Did you know Superman
was created in Cleveland?

Yeah, I know Superman
was created in Cleveland.

You've told me that
a number of times.

You ever seen a Cuyahoga sunset?
No.

Do you know Cleveland's
great for the whole family?

Yes. Yes, I do. You tell
me that all the time.

You randomly just text me that.
And what's wrong with that?

Which is weird. It's weird.
I got free texting.

Why are you trying to always
sell me on Cleveland?

When are you gonna
come to Cleveland?

(STAMMERING) I'll come
when I have the time.

I just don't have
the time right now.

I'll come when I have the time.
I've just been really busy.

You visit me in
Miami all the time.

Yeah, but that's
Miami. I mean...

What's the difference between
Miami and Cleveland?

It's the same.

You're right, it's the same.

Exactly.

Okay, so you had the salmon.
That's about 14 dollars.

What are you doing, man?
You had two Cokes.

Dude, are you trying
to split the bill?

Look, I told you those
refills weren't free.

No, no, no, we're
not splitting the bill.

Pick up the check.

Why do I have to
pick up the check?

Because you're LeBron James.

Listen, don't look at
me no differently now

just because
I got a little money.

Look, I don't know how
long this could last.

Anything can happen. Right.

I'm not about to
end up like MC Hammer.

Listen, you owe $32.43.

You know what?

I'll pay it, but you got to pick
up a check every once in a while.

No, don't pay the whole thing.

Just pay your part.

It's better for our friendship.
Equals forever.

All right, fine. All right.

I'll put my credit card in.

Put a credit card in,
we'll split it.

That's what I'm talking about.
(SIGHS)

Fuck you. Fuck you.

I think I left my wallet.
Fuck you.

It's right in the car.

(UPTOWN GIRL PLAYING)

(AARON HUMMING)

No, no, no.

AMY: So that was disgusting.
Yeah.

Why Billy Joel? Why Uptown Girl?

I love that song.

That's probably the worst
Billy Joel song.

I'm pretty sure
Billy Joel hates that song.

Oh, he shouldn't. It's great.

Okay.

So, uh, off the record,

do you wanna maybe
go grab some dinner?

Um...

Actually, Aaron,
I think you're so great,

but I'm a writer.

I'm your writer,
you're my subject,

and from now on, we need to
just keep it professional.

Okay. You know?

Yeah. Okay.

I think we really
like each other

and we should start dating.

No, I'm saying...

I'm confused.

Am I not communicating
this right?

No, I hear you. I'm just
saying I disagree.

Do you like me? Yeah.

Yeah, see, I really like you.

So we should be a couple.

(STAMMERING) No! I have plans.

What are your plans? Dentist.

Is that true? No.

Then let's go out.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

I'm sorry. My dad's
place is calling.

Hello?

Well, why didn't
someone help him?

What is it?

My dad fell. He lives in assisted living.
I need to change.

Okay, I'm on my way.

What hospital is he at?

TEMEMBE: Oh! Sit still, Gordon.
Dad!

GORDON: Hey, baby.

AMY: What happened? Nothing.

He's supposed to
ring his call button

if he wants to get
out of his chair.

He has fallen.

Where's the doctor?

They are ignoring my pages.

If I wanted, I could treat him.

I was a doctor in my country.

Yeah, I'll let you
know if the wound

gets invaded by evil spirits.

Are you in pain, Dad? No.

AARON: Can I take
a look at it, please?

Oh, God, Dad!

It looks a lot worse
than it actually is.

Who's this Moondoggie?

Hi, I'm Dr. Conners.

Your daughter and I just
officially started dating.

No. Not officially. Not at all.

Welcome to a very large club.

You are gonna be
getting stitches today.

Not a chance, Buster!

Dad, let him do it.

What's the point? Just leave it.

What do I have to look
like Kate Middleton for?

I don't give consent.
Here we go.

No consent! AMY: Shut up, Dad.

AARON: I need you
to stop moving.

GORDON: Ah! I feel
like a pincushion.

(AARON HUMMING UPTOWN GIRL)

What is he humming?

Billy Joel. Uptown Girl.

That's the only thing that saves you.
I like Billy Joel.

I saw him in Nassau Coliseum,
Nylon Curtain Tour.

Oh, Nylon Curtain Tour?
That's awesome.

I saw him with Elton John in Shea Stadium.
It was great.

Of course you did.

Nothing better than down-to-earth,
blue collar Billy Joel

with Elton John,
the Queen of England.

Hey, Amy tells me that you're a Mets fan.
Is that right?

I'm a supporter of the
New York Metropolitans.

That is correct. What about it?

Would you like to
hear some trivia?

GORDON: Distracting me
like I'm a young girl

getting her ears
pierced? Go ahead.

Can you name nine
major league teams

that don't end
with the letter "S"?

Child's play.
The Jazz. Utah Jazz.

You got the Miami Heat.
You got the White Sox.

What's up?

I shouldn't be telling you this,

but I think he's hoarding
his pain medication.

No, I got it.
Ease up, Martha Stewart.

Hey! Water aerobics. You coming?

Yeah, I'll be right there.
I'll be right there.

Meryl is wearing a two-piece.

(SMACKS LIPS)

The guy died three years ago
and nobody alerted him.

Thank you so much.

Hey, no problem.

My dad's really not a bad guy,

but you caught
him on an off day.

No, no, no. He was fine.

You know what? What I'll do is,
I'll check up on him next week.

And I told him about
this immune suppressant...

Will you please
come home with me?

Uh...

Forget it.

No, no, no. No! You know what?

Hey, you know what? Let's, um...

Let's get food. Do you
wanna get some food?

Do you wanna get some raviolis?

Raviolis? I'm serious.

Yeah. Do you wanna
get some raviolis?

I know a place
that's around here.

They have great raviolis.

I'd love to get raviolis.

Just go to the ravioli place.
Just get them.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah.

(BREATHING SHARPLY)

Stop doing that.

Why are you breathing weird?

I'm not breathing weird.

(BREATHING SHARPLY)

What's going on?

I like him so much.

Yeah?

(STAMMERING)
Why do I feel so scared?

Because you've
always dated dummies

you weren't at risk
of actually liking.

No! Can we get a drink?

No, we can get one drink.
Stop it!

What? No, I...

I've been dating
for fucking 90 years.

Something always happens.

Why not this time
that I really care?

What do you think
is gonna happen?

What if I forget
to flush the toilet,

and there's a tampon in there?

Okay.

And not like a cute,
"Oh! It's the last day."

Like, a real tampon.

I'm talking, like,
a crime scene tampon.

Like the Red Wedding,
Game of Thrones.

Oh, my God!

It's like a Quentin
Tarantino, Django.

Like a real
motherfucker of a tampon.

There's, like, an ear on it.

(LAUGHING)

You know what I mean, though.

There's deal-breakers, you know?

I know. Why?

Hey, look who's here!

This does not seem safe.

Hi! Whoo!

Oh, my God. Always here.

Is Amy crying?

Yeah, she's in love.

Oh, with Steven?

No! No!

I love Steven.

He taught me this workout
to get me a beach bod.

You look amazing. TOM:
Thank you so much.

You'll be really ripping it up.

(ALL CHEERING)

That was cool.

And there he is!

It's LeBron. LeBron!

I'm LeBron James, and welcome
to the Big Apple Jam Fest.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

So, are you guys
ready to have some fun?

ALL: Yeah!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

The Knicks City Dancers!

Whoo!

They're just gyrating.

They're not.

No, no, no. These girls work really hard.
I treat them.

You treat them?

Yes, I do. I work with them.

They get bad injuries. I bet.

The pole isn't
always greased right.

You're gonna lose
us the right to vote!

How long is this?

I don't know.

I'm just asking.
Another hour, maybe.

Okay.

Whoo!

Dr. Conners.

Do you mind taking a
look at my ankle?

I think I rolled it.

Oh. Yeah. Yeah, sure.

I'll see you in a sec.

Hey! Hey.

You were so great.

Everybody flipped out
when you came out here.

It was really cool to see.
Thank you.

Seriously, what's the deal?

What's your intentions?

My intentions?

Yeah, with my boy.
Like, what's your plan?

Oh, I don't have
a plan with Aaron.

No, we've just been dating for six weeks.
We're just hanging out.

Okay. Keeping it cazh.

So, you get butterflies
when you hear his name?

Excuse me?

When you're looking at clouds,

do you see his face?

Do you hear his name

when you listen to the wind?

Um...

Yes.

I really have to
ask you a question.

Don't hurt him.

AMY: So we did it. Okay?

We fell hard for each other.

Welcome to the whitest
couple in America.

(SIGHS)

How did no one mug us that day?
Look at his hat.

Now we 're kissing on a rock.

Do you know how
many homeless people

have taken a dump on that rock?

Subway kissing? Ew!

I love how tall he is.

Whoa! Easy, dude.
I'm a working man, too.

All right, I get it.

Hey, Noam.

Hey, guys!

Whoa! Inside sex!
I'm digging that.

AMY: Even my dad likes him.
My dad doesn't like anyone.

He thought Mother Teresa
was full of shit.

That's my "Aaron's apartment" toothbrush.
I have two toothbrushes.

I hope this love montage
ends like Jonestown.

Ooh! I think this is where
Woody Allen met Soon Yi.

Okay, easy.

That was a dare, okay?

I was dared to do that.

So what's up with you and Amy?
How's that going?

Amy? Things are
going awesome, man.

Yeah? Yeah.

Yeah. It's going real good.

I mean, I really,
really like her,

but she's got
some issues, you know?

I mean, that's gonna happen.

AARON: Yeah.

Like, last night we
went out drinking.

You? Yeah, I went out drinking.

And she...

I don't drink. I got hammered.

And then she drank a lot,
but she barely got...

(SNEAKERS SQUEAKING)

But she didn't get drunk at all.

So how's the sex? The sex?

Why do you always
wanna know this stuff, man?

Listen, I'm a married man. I need
to live vicariously through you.

Just give me a couple details.
No.

Just like 11. Eleven details?

When you're married as long
as me, you'll understand.

She knows what she wants. It's great. The
sex is great. It's rough. It's wild.

I mean, if it's not wild,
it's not right.

Right. No, it's crazy. Like
pulling my hair and stuff.

We've never...
We haven't even laid down yet.

It's always either, like, sitting up,
or against a wall, or something.

I've never been on top once.

We have a safe word. Already?

Yeah, it's "calypso." Man, that's
pretty early for a safe word.

It is. Second date, we
had a safe word. Wow.

It's insane, man.

Ready for this? Come on, man.
I've been practicing.

Man, knock it off. Ready for this?
Ready for this?

Yeah!

Foul!

Foul? Yeah, man, you hit me.

No.

You use protection, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. She's got
little bowls of condoms

all around her apartment.

Condoms?

I'm not talking about condoms.

I'm talking about
protection, like a lawyer.

Like a nondisclosure
agreement, you know?

No penetration
without representation.

Yeah, you're right.

What happened?

Nothing, man.

Listen, I'll tell you one thing.

You don't wanna
have a baby mama.

The next thing you know,

you're paying for a Ferrari.

You're getting her a big
house, a big mansion.

She's gonna want to
start a jumpsuit line,

and you're gonna
have to pay for it.

You wanna go through that?

You gotta convince
one of your friends

to say he's the dad
and raise the child.

Who wants to go through that?

Kid end up being 6'7",

your best friend only 5'2".
Mmm-hmm.

Eighteen years later,
the kid comes

and he writes a book about you

saying how much of
a jackass you are.

Eighteen years, man. 18 years.

Your baby mama's car and
crib is bigger than his.

You could turn on
the TV any given Sunday.

Win the Super Bowl
and drive off in a Hyundai.

She was supposed to get the
shorty Tyco with your money.

Then she went to the doctor,
got lipo with your money.

What are you talking about?

What the fuck are
you talking about?

It's Kanye.

You're quoting Kanye West to me?

You know what?
Amy's not like that.

Amy's not like that at all.
She's awesome.

And this is gonna be great.

I think she's cool, and I don't
think I have to worry about that.

All right.

Oh!

Did you let me do that?

Did I just score on you?

Yes! You are my bitch,
LeBron James!

But not really. Not really.

You gotta admit, that was a good shot.
Come on, man.

I scored on LeBron James.

I'm never playing
basketball again.

Lunch is on you, buddy!

LEBRON: Where are
you going, Aaron?

AARON: Whoo!

Aaron?

LeBron.

Whoo!

God damn it!

How's work?

Work's great, actually.

I think I'm gonna
get that editor job.

Aaron's been kind of pushing
me to think bigger.

Can I just do this, please?

Aaron was telling me
about this acupuncturist.

She's supposedly amazing.

She helps a lot of his
patients with pain management.

I really want her to take a look at you.
Will you do that?

I have no desire
for an Oriental woman

to touch me above the waist.

Don't say that.
That's disgust...

It's Asian. Just say Asian.

Why does Aaron all of a sudden

know everything
about everything?

He's a doctor.
He knows something.

He's a sports doctor. He's not
a real doctor, let's face it.

A real doctor
tries to cure diseases.

He's trying to get court
side seats for the playoffs.

You're saying sports doctors
aren't real doctors?

Yeah. When they say, "What
do you wanna focus on?"

"I wanna focus on MS."

"What do you wanna focus on?"
"I wanna focus on cancer."

"What about you?"

"Whatever gets me closest
to men's locker rooms."

Okay.

"I want giant, athletic
penises close to my face,"

"while I'm pretending
to look at their knees."

He's a good doctor,

and he does a lot with
Doctors Without Borders.

He's a great guy.

I'm not saying
he's not a good guy,

but he's got about a month left

before you give
him the boot, right?

What does that mean?

He's a reaction from the
muscle-bound Knucklehead,

so now you go for
the nerdy brainiac.

I know the way your
pattern works, Amy.

It's my pattern.

No, Dad, I really like him.

I want you to be nice to him, and
I want you to take it seriously.

Will you do that?

I think we have a real shot.

That's great.

You sound like a Lifetime movie.

One of the happy ones,
not the murder ones.

Don't you want
me to be happy? I mean...

You're building him up, and you're
gonna let yourself in for a big fall.

He's gonna break your heart.

I'm leaving.

AMY: I'll talk to you later.

I'll tell Temembe
to come get you.

GORDON: Amy,
don't leave like this.

I don't like it when you don't
talk to me for a while.

Thank you so much
for doing this with me.

No, I wanna be
doing this with you.

It's the only one I've ever
done that we've framed.

WENDY: It looks great.

It seems like a regional thing.

Girl!

Hey. Hi.

Hi. Hey, I'm Aaron.

I'm Kim. So nice to meet you.

It's really nice to meet you.

You're Tom? Pleasure
to meet you.

Hey, Amy. How are you?

Congrats on trapping my
sister with your seed.

Well, not all sex ends with a
flush and a cry. (CHUCKLES)

Sometimes you get this. (LAUGHS)

That's killer.

This is Wendy and Kyle.

Hello. Hi.

It's great to see you.

(SPEAKING PORTUGUESE)

Nice. Very good.

And what does that mean?
Welcome to our party.

It's Portuguese.
Realm's teaching me.

That's our son, Realm. We adopted
him about six months ago.

Yeah, we've been teaching him. But
really he's been teaching us.

Yeah. How to protect ourselves,
how to stand up for ourselves.

He has night terrors.

WENDY: Lot of lessons,
really quick.

He's a very strong
presence in our house.

We love you.

Yeah, a lot of lessons.

How to get along with essentially a
stranger who refuses to learn English.

He doesn't know his birthday.

He says around eight, but the
dentist said he was 12 at least.

TOM: They know.
Yeah, he's through puberty.

For sure.

Yeah. He was so small in the
email, but he's shot up.

Come on in the party.
There's drinks on the deck,

and there's food in
the kitchen over here.

And just make yourself
something to drink.

KIM: There's every snack
you've ever loved.

I haven't been to
a baby shower in years.

We're so glad you made it.

Yeah. Hey, congratulations, man.

Sol hear that you
work with athletes.

Yeah, I'm a physician
and a surgeon.

Mostly work with
the Knicks right now.

ALL: Ooh. TIM: That
sounds very cool.

Yeah, yeah.

And other athletes.

Really? Like, which ones?

Specifically, which athletes?

Uh... Tom Brady.

(ALL EXCLAIM)

Yeah.

Any other athletes
that you, uh, work with?

Uh... Jay Cutler.

ALL: Whoa! Yeah,
I work with him.

Do you guys follow tennis?

ALL: Yeah.

Roger Federer.

Whoa!

Robert Griffin.

Whoa!

Chris Paul. CP3.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Alex Rodriguez.

Fuck that guy!

TOM: I agree. KEVIN: Yeah.

KEVIN: Fuck him.

TOM: Piece of shit.

Clayton Kershaw.

ALL: On! (LAUGH)

Amy, he's great.

LISA: Yeah, where
did you find him?

(STAMMERS) Work.

Well, you two are
really cute together.

You two would have
the most perfect babies.

I could just eat you up.
You know?

Yeah, it seems a little early
for this kind of talk.

It's not.

If anything, it's late.

My life did not begin
until I had kids.

Your life has not begun.

Yeah, you know, I'm pretty
happy right now, so...

LISA: Aaron, do you
want a family?

Um... Yeah.

I think I'd like
to have two kids

by the time I'm
40 at least, right?

Yeah. Oh, that's great.

Two is tight. It's tight.

WENDY: If I were you,
I would start thinking

about having them
as soon as possible.

Just breathe. Just breathe.
It's fine.

He wants to have kids. Amy.

Right now. People
talk about that.

Not really. It's fine.

I don't know anyone
that talks about that.

He's great. It's normal.

I think Aaron's great.
I really like him.

Can you tell the members of
Heaven's Gate in there to relax?

No, he's too nice.
He's not too nice.

Yes, he is. He's too nice for me.
You know it.

No, Amy.

He's the perfect amount
of nice that you deserve.

Yeah, but there's deal-breakers
across the board with him.

Like the sex is good.
It's really good.

It's great, but it's not the
best I've ever had. You know?

Right. You don't want
best-sex-that-you've-ever-had guy.

No, you wanna stay with the
best-you've-ever-had guy.

No, you don't.
That's a creepy guy.

You don't wanna
be with that guy.

Best-sex-that-you've-
ever-had guy is in jail.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

But I've been thinking about
maybe reaching out to him.

(LAUGHS) Stop.

Amy, breathe. It's fine.
He's great.

You're ridiculous.

ALLISTER: Mother.
I'm not ready for...

If I kiss the belly hard enough,

will the baby feel it?

You wanna try?

I think that the
baby did feel it.

No.

Kim's great, man.

Oh, yeah. She's really awesome.

Kim's the best.

I'm glad I finally
got to meet her.

Yeah, and Amy's great,
too, by the way.

I just love her.

But keep her away
from those pro athletes.

You know what I mean? (LAUGHING)

Wait, what does that mean?

Um...

No. It was a joke.

Like, that she'd
sleep with them.

I don't get the joke angle.

No, not that she would, but...

Those are the kinds
of jokes she tells.

Like, "I'm loose! I'm a
whore!" or whatever.

That's my girlfriend.

No! I know. It's not my joke.

Those are the kind
of jokes she tells,

which I'm not for at all.

I'm always like, "Don't
tell these kinds of jokes."

And then she does, and I'm like,

"There she goes again."

But I'm just like...

Just forget I said this.

Just drag that one to the trash

and empty the trash.

The game is "Skeletons
in the Closet."

Okay.

We all have to admit things

we've never told anyone before.

KAT: No! Wendy!

Yes! Yes, we have to.

WENDY: We have to do it.
KAT: Okay, okay.

Sometimes, after
Kyle falls asleep,

I get up and eat Skinny
Cow ice cream pops.

No!

LISA: No, you don't.
You should be asleep!

I know! Sometimes
I have the whole box.

LISA: What?

That's like a whole regular-size ice
cream if you eat the whole box.

I know. Your turn.

Okay. Um...

Last week, I let my
six-year-old watch Glee.

(ALL GASP) LISA: I know. I know.

Too soon!

KIM: That show is very racy.

There were some homosexual undertones.
I will say that.

There were two girls
kissing in this episode.

And I haven't even explained
to them what gay people are.

Uh, they're people.

Okay, okay. Amy, your turn.

Um...

I don't know how I'm gonna follow these.
They were so good.

You guys are really brave.

Thanks for trusting.

Um...

One time, I had
sex with this guy,

and we couldn't find the condom.

So, three days later, I found out
it was attached to my cervix.

It had been kind of
pounded up there.

And so I googled
what do I do, right?

So it said just
kind of bear down.

Just fish it out.

Make your finger a hook.

So I just hooked
my finger like this,

and then just
kind of beared down,

and just got it out of there.

I let Tim and his brothers tag
team me on Christmas morning.

And you know what?
It was wonderful.

I like her.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

AMY: Hi. Hi.

How are you?

Can you come over?

No, I'm working.

Is this about the baby shower?

'Cause I'm sorry I wasn't nicer

to The Real Housewives of Hell.

No, it's fine. It's fine.
It's not about that.

What's up?

Um...

Dad died.

He was hoarding his medication
and his heart gave out.

Amy?

Are you there?

NOAM: A little change? A penny?
A nickel? A ruble?

Crowdfund this.
Come on, help me out.

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Thank you.

(STAMMERING)
I had a black boyfriend once.

Your mother must be proud.

Yep.

And I'd do it again.

AMY: (CLEARS THROAT) Hello.

Thank you for coming.

Gordon David Townsend.

Not that great of a guy.

He was kind of racist,

and homophobic.

He was a drunk.

He was a drunk.

He once apologized to me

for missing a volleyball game

that he was at.

He had made signs
with my name on them.

When I was 11,

this kid, Brandon Lipinsky...

Remember Brandon?

He stole my bike.

And he maybe was
just borrowing it,

but our dad went over there

and beat the shit
out of Brandon's dad,

and his grandpa,

and Brandon.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

I bet he personally offended

everyone here. Right?

Raise your hand if our
dad ever offended you.

(LAUGHING)

Yeah.

He was an asshole.

When I asked him
to tell me the story

of how he proposed to our mom,

his response was.

"Who?"

(ALL CHUCKLE)

I know he was joking,

he loved her a lot. But...

He was really sick
for a really long time.

Which isn't fair

because I don't
think anyone else

was more alive than him
when he was younger.

He thought it was payback.
He thought it was karma.

And that's why he got sick,

but I don't think so.

I think he was the greatest dad.

He always made me
feel loved and important.

I know he fucked up. (SHUDDERS)

I know he probably
hurt everyone here.

But raise your hand if he was
one of your favorite people.

He was my favorite person.

Thank you.

You all right?

This makes me wish they'd
found my father's remains.

Hey.

Mother, can we go
to La Poubelle now?

Yeah. Sure, honey.

How about a piece of pizza?

So Mom doesn't have to take
you to a French restaurant.

Pizza has gluten in it.

Who gives a shit?

I'm sorry. I'm just kidding.
We're just...

I'll put Allister in the car.

Can we have one second?

I'm joking.

I'm not in the mood today.

I'm not in the mood
for the jokes today.

Thought you'd be
in a great mood.

You don't have to pay for
Dad's nursing home anymore.

What are you doing?

What?

Don't push me away today.

I'm pushing you away?

Yes.

You've been running away from
this fucking family forever.

Amy, I am not a crazy person

because I got married,

and got pregnant with a child.

That's what people do.

Why are you even here?
You didn't even like him.

I did everything.

You don't get to pretend
today like you gave a fuck.

I think that's
enough for today, Amy.

We ought to go.

Hey. Hey-

You Okay?

Yeah, I'm good.

You ready to go?

Yeah, let's go.

I just want you to know,
I really care about you, okay?

And I love you. Thank you.

What?

Are you seriously
saying that to me today?

You're gonna say
that to me, seriously,

for the first time right now?

They're putting dirt on
my dad's body behind you.

Today is the day
you say that? Let's go.

Is that bad? Yes, that's bad.

Bad timing.

Sorry about that. Sorry.

Is this us?

We're way down there.

Is this us?

No.

Can he pull up?

Do we have his number?
Is this us?

Sorry about that. Sorry.

(SIGHING)

Hey.

How's it going, sweetheart?

I'm getting by. Mmm-hmm.

Thank you for coming the other day.
That was really nice.

I can't believe he's gone.

I'm literally just sitting here

waiting for him to call.

It feels like
a dream or something.

Are we still talking about this?

That was eight days ago.

I'm over it.

It was hard, but I'm over it.

All right.

Best way to grieve...

Don't do it.

Don't.

Do not grieve? No.

I've got good news for you.

You know that story, that Mr.
Doctor Boring Sports Guy?

Well, I cut it.

I know you weren't in love
with that piece anyway.

No, no, no. I was very
in love with that.

I love that piece.

There's nothing happening.
There's no tension.

There's no sex appeal.
He's a bore.

Did you see the pictures?
We did a photo shoot.

Look at him.

Personally, I don't
like his odd bird face,

but we tried everything.

We tried a ball.

He's supposed to
be a sports guy.

I don't think he'd ever
touched a ball before.

Not that kind, anyway.

And there he is. Look
at him standing there,

stiff as a scarecrow.

These guys, they're hot, right?

We even got him wet!
Would you fuck that?

Sure.

You would? I wouldn't
fuck that with your dick.

No. We decided to go with.

"Ugliest Celebrity
Kids Under 6."

Let's get this done, Amy.

Or we are not talking promotion.

MMm-hmm. Good girl.

Almost ready?

AMY: Yeah, I need two seconds.

How you feeling about
Amar'e's surgery tomorrow?

I don't feel any
pressure at all, you know?

If it doesn't work, it's
just the end of his career.

But (CLICKS TONGUE) I feel fine.

I can't breathe in this.

AARON: You look great.

Yeah? Yeah.

Thanks.

Is that a formal dress?
Or what is it?

Yeah. It's like...

There's flowers on it.
It's shiny, kind of...

ls it too short?

No, no, no.

These people...
They're real conservative.

AMY: Okay, so...

It's like more gown...

Oh, yeah. A gown?

Do you want me to just
go into my gown closet?

No, no.

AMY: Would you grab my tiara?
It's right next to my pearls.

Forget I said anything.
Forget I said anything.

I didn't mean anything.
I know nothing about fashion.

You look beautiful.

You're crazy hot. Let's go.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

AARON: You look beautiful.

I look like a dickhead. Why didn't
you tell me this was so fancy?

Come on, it's nice. You look really nice.
I'm serious.

Congratulations.

Maybe we can talk a little
later about another charity.

Yeah. Yes, please.

It's Arnold, from Somalia.

Good to see you, Arnold.

Do we need a... Right, tables.

Enjoy the day. You've earned it.

Oh! Thank you, buddy. Thanks.

Dr. Conners, welcome.

Hi. How are you?

Do you mind if I grab you just for
a minute? To go over some things.

I'll be right back, okay?

Okay.

Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. Okay.

WAITER: Would you
like some more wine?

AMY: Yeah, that'd be great.

Hey, it's a luncheon.

It's wine.

I'll have some more.

(APPLAUSE)

TONY ROMO: Thank you.

Thanks, everyone.

I'm Tony Romo.

Soccer? Football.

Tell you what, I don't get
cheered in New York very often,

so this is a rare
treat for me this evening.

AMAR'E: Dallas suck!
(ALL LAUGHING)

That's Amar'e Stoudemire
if you guys do not know.

He's been following
me around all week.

Anyway, we're here today to talk
about our esteemed recipient.

No athlete wants to
go under the knife,

but when you do, you feel
comfortable with Dr. Conners.

He's not just changing
professional athletes

and the way they
look at medicine,

he's also changing the world.
And he's helping everybody.

From pandemics,
to war-torn regions,

to extreme poverty situations,

they feel safe in his hands.

To our MVP and
to my good friend,

(EXHALES HEAVILY)
Dr. Aaron Conners.

Good luck.

AARON: Hey, look at this.

Look at this. Very nice.

Very nice of you guys.

It's very sharp.

I'll be doing the surgery
tomorrow with this, Amar'e.

And, remember, don't eat
anything after midnight.

I'm hungry!

But I really...

(CHUCKLES LIGHTLY)

I really want to thank the actual
heroes from Doctors Without Borders.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES) Sorry.

Mark Twain said, "Be careful
about reading health books."

"You may die of a misprint."
(RINGING)

Shit.

Hello?

DIANNA: Amy, it's Dianna.
Hi, Dianna.

We really need to talk.

Actually, it's a really bad time.
Is there any chance...

No, I don't want to
hear that it's a bad time.

Yeah, but maybe in an hour?

You can be replaced within
the hour by 90 other girls,

who graduated from places better
than whatever state school

you blew your way through.
(SIGHS)

I'm stepping out.

Thank you very much.

For fuck's sake!

AARON: Um...

This...

This organization came
into my life at a time

when I was looking to
truly make a difference.

DIANNA: Which of these
can we live without?

"We Forgive You,
Lance Armstrong",

"The inventor of the
Pussy Magnet", Mmm-hmm.

And "Are you Gay or
is She Just Boring?"

What do you think? (SIGHS)

is a family.

And it's a family that I'm very,
very happy to be a part of.

Thank you guys very much.
It's very nice of you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hey!

Hey. I was just
coming in to watch you.

Yeah, you missed it.

Shit. I got a phone call.
How'd it go?

Look, Amy, I know you're going
through a lot right now,

(STAMMERING) but I really
needed you in there.

Instead, you're out here,
smoking weed.

No, I didn't come out here to smoke pot.
I came out because...

Because Dianna called.

Amy, I really, really
needed you out there.

You were my lifeline.
You knew that.

I really can't take you seriously
when you're holding that.

Why did you carry
your award out here?

You don't have
to carry it around

like Anne Hathaway
at an Oscar party.

Can you put it down? So I can...

That's crazy, Amy.

You knew I wanted to
do that speech to you!

(SIGHS) Yeah, I'm so sorry.

I really didn't want to miss it,

but I'm afraid I'm gonna
lose my job right now.

But it doesn't matter!

You shouldn't have your phone on

in the middle of
my speech anyway.

That was just so
disrespectful, Amy.

All right, goodbye.

No, Amy! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What
are you talking about, "goodbye"?

What? I'm leaving!

We're fighting. We're not
gonna talk for a while.

That's how this works.

What are you talking about?

No! We're just having a fight.

What are we doing?
What do you want?

Why are you with me?

I love you.

Why do you keep saying that?

Because I mean it! I love you!
I'm crazy about you!

What do you want me to say?

We're just having a fight.
You insulted me,

and we'll talk about it,
and we'll work through it.

What's wrong with you
that you want to be with me?

I'm a drinker.

I don't care!

I've been with a lot of guys.

I don't care!

How many?

I don't know.

How many girls
have you slept with?

I've slept with three women.

Me, too.

I have slept with
three women, too.

How many guys?

What, this year?

This year?

Fuck this. I'm not
talking about this.

Come on. Don't say "fuck this."

Don't follow me. Amy!

I'm tired. I wanna go to sleep.

You can go to your apartment.
It's nicer than mine.

No.Look, my parents had a saying,
"Don't go to bed angry."

We're angry, let's resolve this.
Okay?

Your parents weren't that happy.

They're very happy.

Fine. You wanna talk about it?

You want to get into it? Yes!

Let's get into all of it right now.
Yes, please.

Okay, let's do it. Okay.

I'll start.

You go down on me too much.

What? Yeah.

It's selfish.

No, it is actually selfish,
because you act...

Don't look like I'm crazy.

You act like it's for me,

but really, it's just to
show how great you are.

Like, you're always
helping people.

So I shouldn't go
down on you as much?

Don't try and spin this as a way

to not go down on me as much.

That's ridiculous.

Of course, I want you to
go down on me that much.

So take it down a notch?

No, keep going down on me.

Forget this whole part
of the argument, okay?

Forget that.

I'm so glad you apologized.

I didn't apologize!

Wow!

I did not apologize.

Are you serious right now?

I've been through
a lot this year,

and of course I'm gonna have
some ups and downs,

but that's why I need
to stop and then say,

"Am I gonna just
follow the river"

"or am I gonna make
decisions in my..."

You're sleeping!

You were just asleep.

No, I wasn't. Okay, good.

Because I am not even close to done.
Okay.

I have a lot of thoughts and I'm
thinking very clearly right now.

I'm so glad that I feel comfortable
enough with you to talk like this.

This is the time
when you have to look

at yourself and say... (SNORING)

"Am I living the
best life I could?"

"Am I the best version of myself"

"that I could possibly be?"

That's why I need
to stop and then say,

"Am I gonna just follow the
river or am I gonna..."

Wake up, Aaron!

You're totally sleeping! Mmm-mm.

You said we were gonna stay up

until we figure it out,
like your parents.

I'm listening.

AMY: What did I just say?

You said, "Wake up."

Amar'e. What's up, Doc?

How you feeling, buddy? Good.

You ready to do this? Yeah.

We're gonna do this.
It's gonna be great.

Awesome.

You met Rachel? Yes.

We've been acquainted.

Okay. What do we have here?

This is just a little more
sedative to relax you.

Hey, the good stuff.

Yeah.

Okay. Oh, whoa!

All right, buddy.

Okay. So, we're gonna be replacing
your cruciate ligament.

And, um...

Uh, do you want a coffee?
Hey, could we get a coffee?

I can't. I'm not supposed
to drink before...

Right. Don't worry about it.

Just one coffee, for me. Um...

Are you okay, Doc?

Me? I'm great. I'm great. Yeah.

Me and Amy got into
a little bit of an argument,

but I think I'm doing okay.

Yeah, this is gonna
go really well.

She really lit
into me last night.

Wow. AARON: Like really...

A side of her I've
never seen before.

It got dark, fast.

It really fucked me up.

Are you sure you're okay?

AARON: I'm good, I'm good.

We're gonna get this going.

AMAR'E: Okay. Perfect.

(CLATTERING)

I'm gonna mark the knee that we're
gonna do the surgery on, all right?

Doc, this is the wrong knee.

I'm marking this as
not the knee to do.

This is not the knee.

Not this knee.

Not this knee.

Are you sure you're okay, Doc?

Amar'e, I'm great.

This is gonna go great. This is the
bad boy we're gonna split open.

You know what?
This is a bad idea.

Amar'e, you're nervous.
Everyone gets nervous.

I don't think you get it, Doc.

We need to reschedule this.

AARON: No, no, no.

We're not doing that. I'm gonna
get you back out on the court.

We gotta get you
back out on the court.

I wanna see you play. Okay?

I'm here for you, okay?

You're nervous, I'm nervous.

Amy was acting like
a psycho last night.

I don't know what I did.

I really, really like her,

but she's like a fucking demon.

She's like the fucking Exorcist.

I said, "You gotta let me go to sleep.
I have a surgery."

And you know what she said?
She said,

(MIMICKING DEMONIC VOICE) "No!"

I'm taking a rain check.
No, no, no.

I'm out of here. No, no, no.

(SPITTING)
(HEART MONITOR FLATLINES)

Hey, Amar'e.

Mr. Stoudemire,
where are you going?

I've gotta get out of here.
I've gotta get out of here.

RACHEL: Amar'e! Watch your head.

Oh! (THUDDING)

(METALLIC CLATTERING) Oh, shit!

(DOOR OPENS)

Hey. AARON: Hey.

How'd it go?

Have you just been watching
TV and smoking pot all day?

No. I got up and
had some cereal.

At some point.

They canceled my surgery today.

Amar'e didn't feel comfortable
with me performing it

because I was too tired,

so he fled.

He was on a lot
of anesthesia. He fell.

And when I tried to help
him, he called me a witch.

Is he okay?

You know, and it was because
of all this shit last night.

Which was crazy.

It was bad.

Yeah.

You know, I've been
thinking about all that

and I was walking over here,

and I was just thinking, maybe...
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Can I say something?

(STAMMERS) It does bother
me that you smoke pot,

and that you drink a lot,

and I do care that you
slept with a lot of guys.

It makes me feel
unsafe or something.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah, you should be with a
girl who you feel safe with.

That's not what I'm saying.
That's not what I'm saying.

It's very clear. That's fine.
It's obvious.

You should be with one
of those cheerleaders.

Amy, that's not what I'm saying.

Just go be with
that kind of girl.

A little Texan with
huge hair and big tits.

And then, when you get married,

she wants to be
more conservative,

so she just gets
smaller fake tits put in,

but they still look amazing.

The thing about
cheerleaders is that

they bring people together

and they make people happy.

Unlike you and your
friends at your magazine

who sit there and judge
people from afar

because if you don't try,
then you can't fail.

That's why you're
threatened by cheerleaders.

That's me.

You really got me.

(SIGHS)

All right. You know what, Amy?

Um...

You know what? We're...

I have to do the
surgery in two days.

Let's just take
those two days off.

And then...

I'll do the surgery and then we'll
come back and we'll work this out.

I think you're right.
That's good.

I know we're done here.

"We're done"? What are
you talking about?

Amy, that's not what I'm saying.

And you know what? It's fine.

It's not fine. It's
fine that we're done.

Because don't need to
talk to you anymore,

because the interview is over.

Because your
article got canceled.

My boss said you
were too boring.

(CHUCKLES)

All right.

You win.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey.

Hey.

How you doing?

So great.

It's fun, right?

This is the best. I love this.

So, are you gonna work at the
magazine after the internship?

Honestly?

Yeah.

Probably not.

Why? You're so good
and you have energy.

Yeah, I know, but being around

all these photographs,

I think I wanna do photography.

Yeah, I can see that for you.
Pictures and...

I love that stuff, like the
photo shoots for... Yeah.

BARTENDER: Hey!
Last call for alcohol!

I gotta get out of here.

Oh. You wanna get out of here?

Yeah, okay. Let's go.

Let's go. Okay.

(GLASSES CLINK)

Cool.

Shit, Donald.

It's so nice to hang with
you outside the office.

This is great.

I really like you.

I really like you.

You're great.

(MOANING SOFTLY)

Okay, maybe let's
next-phase it up, you know?

Okay.

I know just what you mean.

Ooh.

Oh!

Hey.

When did you get here?

Yeah, let's get that going.

(DONALD MOANS SOFTLY)

Shit.

Shit.

Yeah. Shit!

Just feel me. Feel me.

Okay.

Feel me.

You like that? Grab my tits.

Grab them, feel them.

I feel like I'm the
one with the tits

in the equation,
but this is cool.

You wanna lick them?

You wanna lick them? Yes, you do.
You wanna lick them.

Are you there?

Yeah. Now I'm there.

Yeah, suckle it.

(MOANING)

Shit.

I don't have a good angle.

What?

DONALD: You're just gonna stay
really still for me, okay?

Stay really still. Yeah?

What is that?

(MOANS)

(SNORTING)

Ah!

Yeah. What is that?

It's Adderall. I have ADHD,

so it just helps me
with my education.

AMY: Oh, Okay.

Okay, this so great, but...

Cradle my bonch!

Your what? Cradle my bonch!

I'm gonna take a rain
check, but how about...

You wanna get on top?
You wanna take charge, Daddy?

You wanna take charge, Daddy?

I think it's Mama's turn.

Sure, Daddy.

DONALD: Yeah.

All right, this is great.

I just want you to know

my safe word is "pineapple."

All right. Got it.

(MOANING)

AMY: Okay.

Hit me.

Hit you?

Yeah, I want you to hit me.

Okay.

Are you serious?

In the face!

Hit me! I'm hitting you!

Hit me hard.

Oh! Fucking do it already!

Hit me! I'm hitting you!

Why don't you take a little
arthritis medication

and then try again?

You pathetic childless MILF.

Hit me like this!

Ow!

(GRUNTS)

Fuck!

Shit!

Pineapple! Pineapple!

Donny, what's going
on back here?

Mommy!

"Mommy"?

Mommy, my eye-

He is 16 years old!

Fuck!

So,

you had quite a night.

I'm so...

Amy.

Listen, we've all been there.

Oh, yeah. (CHUCKLES)

I once fucked three-quarters
of Pink Floyd.

Yeah.

Dark side of all their moons.

Amy.

You're a very strong writer.

I will go so far as to say

that you are my
most valuable writer.

Thank you.

I reread your latest draft of the Dr.
Conners piece,

and I have to confess,
I spoke too soon.

It is very good.

Really? It really is.

Really? Yeah, it's very good.

Thank you. You won't
regret this, Dianna.

I know you said, don't...

I won't regret what?

I'm not gonna publish it here.

No, no, no. Amy, you're fired.

Amy, how could you not get that?

You are so fired.

My love, I can't have
one of my employees

having sex with someone underage

and beating them up.

You know? One or the other,

but not the combo.

See what I'm saying?

Hey, Dianna, we just, um...

Oh...

You're doing it now?

Sorry. Should we come back,
or did it already happen?

Everyone knows?

Did what already happen?

Amy fucked Donald.

I didn't fuck Donald.
I tried... Amy...

You tried? He's 16.

Oh, my God!

Can you get out,
you guys? Go, please.

BRYSON: His safe
word is "pineapple."

Fuck you! Fuck you, Schultz!

Can you go? You want to line
up the winners you fucked?

Hey, congrats. Nice.

AMY: The girl you fucked
while she was quarantined

for we don't even know what.

I'm sorry about that.
That's so inappropriate.

Anyway, nice news. I know
you're close with Nikki.

She got the
Executive Editor position.

Oh, that's great.

NIKKI: Thanks, Amy.
That means the world.

Although, I can
turn down the position

if you want me to.

AMY: Okay, yeah.
Please don't take it.

I'm serious.

I'm kidding.

NIKKI: You're funny.
Congratulations.

You scared me.

(CHUCKLES LIGHTLY)

She's great. I mean she's...

She looks like an idiot.

Okay.

Go. I'll go.

(WHISPERING) Amar'e. Hey, buddy.

Hey, Doc.

Hey.

How'd we do?

We did great.

You get some sleep.

Did it go Tom Brady good?

It went better than Brady good.

Have you seen his wife, Gisele?

Yeah, I have.

She's hot.

Look, you're on a
lot of medication right now,

so why don't you just
get some sleep, all right?

Isn't she like a
Victoria's Secret model?

I don't know. I think so. Yeah.

I'm gonna be right here.
I'm gonna be on this floor.

So, if you need anything,
you let me know, okay?

I follow her on Instagram.

Okay.

You should go to sleep.
Okay, buddy?

Oh!

AARON: Are we
gonna do this again?

All right.

Yeah.

AMAR'E: I love you.

AARON: Oh, I love you too, man.
It went great.

(SNORING) AARON: Okay.

Okay. And he's asleep.

(DOG WHIMPERING OVER TELEVISION)

Everybody's left
a dog in a hot car

at some point in their lives.

I don't think that's true.

I trust you with my hot doggie.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello.

LEBRON: Hey, Aaron, this is LeBron.
I'm at the gym, man.

I think I pulled something.
You pulled something?

You need to come down.

It hurts like a mother.

Yeah, hey. I'll be right over.

Hurry up! Just sit tight,
I'll be right over.

LeBron!

Hey.

You Okay?

I'm not okay, Aaron.
I'm concerned about you.

So you're not hurt?

LEBRON: NO.

This is your intervention.

What? My intervention?

For what?

You ruined things with Amy.

This is about Amy?

LEBRON: You've
been so sad lately.

It's scaring me.

BRODERICK: Aaron.

We're concerned about you.

You've helped us, and now
we're gonna help you.

Come on, man. Sit down.

MARV: It started and it is on.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Did I miss anything?

Now, I know that relationships
can be terrifying,

but you don't just bail out
at the first sign of trouble.

It's obvious. Aaron, choking

under intense pressure.

I did not choke, Marv.

You know what? Thanks for that, Matthew, but,
you know, you like a charmed life, okay?

My situation's much more
complicated, you know.

Not all of us can be Ferris Bueller and
marry the star of Sex and the City.

Why not? I did.

Yeah. You did. You married the
star of Sex and the City.

There's three other ladies
on that show.

Yeah, one's a lesbian. Now.

Matthew, it's not helpful.
We want him to stay with Amy.

Look, if he's not happy and she's
not the right one for him,

then, obviously,
it's just not meant to be.

Sometimes, the right person happens
to be sitting right in front of you.

Chris Evert
hitting on Aaron hard.

LEBRON: Chris,
don't hit on Aaron.

LeBron, don't be a cock-blocker.

Evert is still
at it and, frankly,

it's making me uncomfortable.

(GROANS) BRODERICK: You know
what I think the issue might be?

You're probably focusing
on her problems

instead of looking
in the mirror.

Aaron is playing the blame game.

Thank you, Marv.

BRODERICK: I bet you're
not the easiest person

to have a relationship with.

Broderick, cutting
deep with his insights.

He is on fire.

His best work since WarGames.

AARON: You guys
don't understand.

I tried. She didn't
want to be a part of it.

You can't just run
when you get scared.

AARON: She pushed me away.

Aaron is fearing
engulfment and intimacy.

You know what?

You're not helpful, you're not
helpful, you're not helpful.

And you are really not helpful, Marv.
Really not helpful!

Marv Albert apologizes.

All right. BRODERICK: Wait a minute.
No, wait, wait. Wait, Aaron.

Before you go, can you
take a look at my hip?

Are you serious?
There's a popping sound,

and it doesn't go away. (POPS)

Yeah, when I walk.
Anytime I walk.

I can hear it. I'll see you
at the office, all right?

Bye.

LEBRON: Aaron. Goodbye, LeBron.

Aaron!

I thought you said he
would look at my hip.

Yeah, if things
would've went better.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Hi.

Hey.

KIM: This isn't working
for you anymore.

I know.

I'm sorry.

I know you're sorry.

No.

No, I'm really sorry.

I want you to know that I act

like everything
you do in your life

is so wrong and stupid.

But it's just because I don't
think that I can have that.

I'm not okay.

I'm not okay, Kim.

I know what I am,

I know who I am,

and I'm broken.

Mother, Dad needs you.

KIM: We're talking
right now. What's going on?

I don't know, he's just yelling.

KIM: Okay. Ls it okay?

Yeah.

What you got there?

My drawings for Minecraft.

For what?

Minecraft.

It's a game where you can
build a whole virtual world,

and put whatever you want in it,

and make it big or
small or whatever.

Let me see. Yeah.

AMY: If it's a video game,
why is it in a notebook?

Oh, I draw it out
first to plan it,

so I know what to build
and what to put in it

instead of just winging it.

What's this?

Oh, this is our house.

Here's my bedroom,
here's the baby's room.

What's that rectangle?

It's the mattress for you and Aaron
to stay in once the baby's born.

That's for me?

You and Aaron. Yeah.

That's really cool, Allister.

Thank you.

But you know what? I don't think.

Aaron's gonna be
around much anymore.

So...

Oh. You don't like him anymore.

I like him more than anybody.

He's my best friend.

Then we should
have him come over.

Yeah. Yeah.

We should.

The baby's room is pink.

It's a girl?

It's a girl! (LAUGHING)

That's amazing.

Congrats. That's so cool.

No, it's not.

It's not. It's the worst
thing in the world.

It really sucks. She's doomed.

No, she'll be fine.

She's got us. She'll be fine.

I miss Dad, too.

I know that. Come here.

AMY: I got you.

(KIM AND AMY LAUGHING)

AMY: I'm uncomfortable.

(ALL LAUGHING)

KIM: Receive.

Receive the love.

Get out of here!

Too much intimacy.

Love overload.

I'm exiting this hug.

NOAM: Urban Outfitter,
help me out.

AMY: Hey, Noam.

NOAM: What's up, Amy?
AMY: A gift.

Booze, pot, drugs,
and a place to live!

Amy, you are the best.

You got it, man.

Oh, God, I gotta
give you something.

How about a reach-around?
No, it's okay.

Oh, I don't need a reach-around.
Thanks, man.

"The most important play of the
season is about to take place"

"and there isn't a scoreboard,
fan, or cheerleader in sight."

"The man on the spot
is Aaron Conners."

"And his arena
is a silent, antiseptic"

"operating room on
a Tuesday morning"

"where he's about to sew
Amar'e Stoudemire's"

"battered $20 million
knee together."

"Time is ticking."

"Pressure builds
and he goes for it."

"I, on the other hand,
just woke up."

"Still drunk with dried
cheese under my fingernails"

"leading me to believe
that I ordered fries"

"before passing
out on the floor."

"Life hurts."

"But spending time
with Dr. Conners"

"showed me that you
can't play scared."

"And maybe every drunken night,"

"accidental ride on
the Staten Island Ferry"

"and awkward sexual encounter
were just practice for this..."

"The main event."

MARV: Since the beginning
of training camp,

Knick fans have wondered

when do they get back
their number one?

Well, the answer is tonight.

Amar'e Stoudemire is back
in action for the Knicks.

Hi, everybody. I'm Marv Albert

and welcome to sold-out
Madison Square Garden

where Knicks fans are
holding their breath

to see if Amar'e Stoudemire's

surgically repaired knee
will bring new hope

as they tip off another season

looking to get back
into the playoff picture.

It's the Knicks and the Nets,
coming up next.

How you doing, man?
You doing good?

I'm gonna ask you a question.

How are you feeling?
How's the knee feeling?

Feels good. Feels great.

It's okay? It's awesome.

Taxi!

Taxi!

What is going on?

MARV: Amar'e Stoudemire
is checking in.

And it is a standing ovation.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING) ANNOUNCER:
Introducing, for the Knicks

number one...

Amar'e Stoudemire.

(BRAKES SCREECH)

Why are we stopped?

Sometimes on these
short trains, you know,

it doesn't touch
that third rail.

You know, where
the electricity is?

So the red signal comes on

and the power just shuts off.

Really?

No, not really.
I don't fucking know.

Do I look like I work for MTA?

I don't know.

What, I got MetroCards
in my fucking purse now?

What the fuck, man?

You ask me some stupid shit.

I'm sorry. I don't work here.

Don't lean into me.

MA RV: Pierce, off the drive.

It is blocked by Stoudemire!

And he comes up with the ball.

Under four to play
here in the first.

Smith. Finding Stoudemire!

Beautiful play!
That gets the crowd going.

Hey, Dr. Conners.

Oh. Hey.

Amar'e looked great tonight.

Yeah, he did. I'm happy for him.

Actually, he's looking for you.

He said to meet
him out on court.

On court? Yeah.

Right now? Right now.

Okay.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Amy?

You're really good!

(UPTOWN GIRL PLAYING)

Hey.

(MOUTHING)

Come here.

Hey. Hi.

I'm sorry.

No. No, no, no. I'm sorry.

You were really, really good.

As it turns out, lam in
terrible physical shape.

Yeah, I saw that.
Could you see that?

I am sweating more than
I am proud of. Yeah.

No, no. I know. Hey.

What?

I really missed you.
I missed you.

(SONG CHANGES)

Oh, shit. I have to dance more.

What?

Amy, you really
don't need to do that.

Why is there a mat?

Oh, shit. These guys.

Jeez!

AARON: NO.

No, no, no. Amy! Amy!

Bad idea!

AARON: Honey! Honey! No! No!

No! Amy!

No!

(MUSIC STOPS)

Amy? Amy? Amy.

Honey. You okay? (GASPS)

Did I get it?

Did you get the basket?

Did it go in?

Oh, of course not.

You didn't get enough height.

No? No.

I thought I got a lot of height.

No, no. Zero height.

No height, huh?

Usually when people hit
trampolines they go high,

but, for some reason,
you went down.

You went straight down. Hard.

I really wanted to impress you.

Yeah? Yeah.

I wanted to show
you I can work hard

and put myself
out there, you know?

I got that.

And not be afraid to fail.

No. I got the metaphor.

'Cause with the dance,
I wanted to show you us.

Yeah, I got the metaphor.

It's like I really wanna try.
Yeah.

I wanna try with you.

I wanna try, too.

I love you.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I love you, too, Amy.

CHEERLEADERS: Aw!

(ALL CHEERING)

(ENGLISH - US - SDH - BOZXPHD)