Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Give me a second, I'll send it over.

Okay, is this everybody?

Just leave the door open.

All right, gentlemen...

and... lady.

My name is Bob Glasser.

I've been sent from corporate in Akron

to boost your productivity.

Now we found the best way to do that

is in boosting the fun quotient of your employees.

So I'm going to tell you a joke.

By the by, any joke told in the confines of this office

must be within OSHA regulations

and not create any discomfort, sexual or otherwise

to the audience listening to said joke.

Ahem. Ahem. Ahem.

All right, a priest, a minister, and a gay rabbi walk into a brothel.

- What is that? - Uh...

That's G-Money. He works here.

- G-Money? - G-Money is his nickname.

- He works here? - Yes.

Well, that's unacceptable.

Just looking at this man,

you can tell that he's breaking about eight different dress code policies.

Yes, but G-Money is actually a special case.

Special? Oh, like special?

So we get a little tax credit or something?

No, no, not that kind of special.

He is the company's top sales performer for three straight years.

- That? That is top sales? - Morning, G-Money!

- G-Money! - Good morning, G!

- For three years? - Three years.

- The peacock? - Mm-hmm.

All right. I'd like to see him in my office.

- Okay. - The rest of you can F-O.

- I'll tell you the joke later. - Okay.

- Oh... - Is this... is this my office?

First in overall sales.

First in ancillary sales. Well...

This is impressive.

- Thank you, sir. - I just don't understand

how is it that you're outperforming

my entire sales staff by...

364%?!

The truth?

I love my job.

That's good. Very good.

- Bob, I've got to ask. - What?

Is that... and gosh darn it if it is...

I'm frizzle-frazzled and pardon my French, all of it...

Is that a Blues Traveler's harmonica?

- You have a good eye. - Shut the front door!

- Are you kidding me? - No, I'm not kidding you!

- What? You? - Yes!

Come on, are you a fan of the Traveler?

- Yes, I'm a Traveler fan. - Okay, here's what happened.

When the Traveler came to town I got backstage, BS.

After he signs this harmonica,

he lets me put on his harmonica belt.

- Okay, well, mine's not that, but 2014... - Uh-huh.

- Popper, Red Rocks. - Ooh.

- A little high. You know? - Yeah.

You know what we do at the Traveler.

- What happens at the Traveler... - ...stays there.

I'm in the audience,

- harmonica solo with his nose. - Shut up!

- Nasal solo. - That's amazing.

- Yes! 14 minutes. - What?

- Yeah. - We should jam sometime.

Oh, my God. I'd jam right now.

- You play? - Yeah. You got some peanut butter?

Because I got the jam, baby.

You don't think I carry a harmonica with me everywhere I go?

Oh, my God! Are you kidding me?

- Yeah! I do. - What? No!

What do you want?

Excuse me?

Oh. Yeah. Can I get a wine spritzer, please?

Actually, no, make that a lemon drop martini.

Speaking as a literary agent,

not everyone has to be dead at the end of a children's story.

I just think it's a part of life, right?

The sooner, the better for them to learn it.

- Right. - Yeah.

Come here.

No.

You. Them. Both.

Absolutely not! You come here.

I'll be right back. Excuse me.

What the fuck, Sara?

- Shh. Just check out this guy. - ...tell you what colors are.

The disjunctive perturbation of the spatial relationship

brings within its realm of discourse

a distinct juxtaposition.

He's the reason people hate art.

Really? Then why'd you bring me here?

Because you write romance novels,

and you need to get laid.

One circle's small,

down in the bottom, it's big. Why?

Okay, can we talk about something other than men?

You're a lit agent. You should know about the Bechdel test.

Okay. Shall we discuss your deadline?

No! Anything but that. God, I wish I could return that stupid advance.

First of all, I negotiated that advance for you,

so it's not stupid, it's amazing.

Especially considering the fact that nobody reads anymore!

Damn it, Sara.

I pulled you out of your sad girl cave to inspire you.

Pop quiz, when was the last time you even had sex?

- Ugh, I don't know. - No, wrong answer.

The answer is 367 days ago.

What, are you tracking my sex life on an app?

Um, it's not an app. It's a text.

That's actually a really good idea for an app.

No. I'm enjoying my celibacy, all right?

It's me time.

Doesn't "me time" mean masturbating?

What? No, it definitely does not.

Really? Well, I've been using it wrong.

Sara, listen,

you owe Axi a book in three months.

Three months. Okay?

So just get those unmanicured fingers

tap, tap, tapping before you lose this contract

and your career is over.

Huh? You are almost 30.

This is my last chance to sell you as a prodigy.

- I am 31. - Don't say that out loud!

This is a kids' world. My biggest deal last year

was for a seven-year-old YouTube star's memoir.

You could just die. I mean, honestly.

So sorry. I'm so sorry.

Oh, my God, I just thought of something funny.

Here's what I believe.

The selfie has become this religious fervor

and it's just become insatiable.

It's not cool. It's not a selfie.

Hey, it's that guy from the other room.

I'm going to assume your name's Jeff.

What is he doing?

And what about right now?

What about right now? What if we just lived right now?

Okay, and if we can take the time and stop,

and be ourselves in the moment, right, in this moment right now...

- He's so weird. - We are we.

You are you. He is he.

If we could live in this moment in a Buddhist-like bliss...

Come on. Come on, there's someone I want you to meet.

- Okay, just don't be obvious. I just... Who is this guy? - Come on.

How about I before me, except after you?

I think this world would be a much better place.

And, to be honest, that's what this painting is about.

- I painted it. - Mm.

And shit, sure.

I know you don't smoke, but now you do.

I don't know, he looks like Austin Powers fucked a chimney sweep.

Come on. Come on, let's go.

Yeah.

Hey, G, what up, what up?

- Living. - I hear that.

Hey, G. Feel this.

Nice.

Ugh!

Hi!

Sara, I am expecting

to see some pages by the end of the week.

Where is this? Okay?

- You hear me? - Yeah. I know, I know.

I am just working here.

Are you fake typing?

No.

Really? What did you just type?

Oh, what'd I type?

Let's see here. "Stefan puts his hand on Zelna's neck."

Zelna? I'm sorry, did you say Zelna?

Yeah, Zelna. Zelna Pinks-tin-ton-ton...

- is the name of my protagonist. - Honestly, Sara,

this self-indulgent, narcissistic phase of yours...

This is disgusting!

Has gone on for too long.

Your Simon breakup is messing with my money.

Simon sold his soul and became obsessed

with his 401K and his stock options.

- So, no. - Ooh! Ooh! What an asshole.

He grew up and did something responsible.

Just like every fucking woman in this world wants!

You need to move on, so you have a date tomorrow. His name is Ben.

He is an artist, a real one, who actually makes money.

I've made you a reservation at that place you like

where all the food tastes the same.

No, no, I'm not going.

What'd you say?

No, I'm not going.

Oh, you're going to do it. And do you know why?

Because if you don't, I will expose you

and everyone's going to see how you live. Is that something you want?

People to see the squalor that is your studio apartment?

Sweatpants strewn about? Moldy, discarded,

expensive meal plan containers everywhere?

That pathetic vision board?

I will bring your mother to your apartment,

I swear to God I will.

And do you want her to see that?

Okay, fine, who is this guy anyway?

Mm. Ben. This is disgusting.

This is terrible. Get this out of my face.

He came highly recommended.

Makes musical steampunk instruments.

You know, balalaikas, accordions.

Where's my coffee?

Some neo-Victorian shit.

What?

And most importantly, he's a potential client's son,

so don't be gross.

I'm sorry. Don't be late.

Well, I don't even know what he looks like.

I showed him your book jacket photo,

so try and resemble it.

Thank you so much. I don't know what I'd do without him.

And so after working in soul-killing jobs,

I decided to just chuck it all and do something practical.

Hmm. Like designing steampunk instruments?

I love creating something with my own hands, you know?

Like, when you make something,

you put it out there in the world...

There's this feeling that you actually, I don't know...

Matter?

Yeah.

Yeah.

- So Kelly tells me you're a writer. - Yeah.

It's actually been kind of crazy.

Right after college, I started this blog, Sara Syndrome.

And it was sort of like a satiric look

at feminism and sexuality in the age of social media.

And now I write these softcore romance novels

for dumb millennials. Like, blergh!

- Now I'm working on my third. - Oh, wow.

Like a series or something?

Would I know it? What's it called?

The debut is called Sext.

But it came out when the word was new,

- so it was cool at the time. - Got it.

Actually, the whole thing was written entirely in emojis.

I can't tell if you're kidding.

Guess you'll have to read it to find out.

The critics were okay with it,

but almost everyone hated the ending.

Why? What happens?

Well, the protagonist, Sara,

she flies into this passionate fit of jealous rage

and castrates her boyfriend, Ben, with a paring knife.

Yeah! Gotcha!

Oh, I'm kidding.

That was a joke.

Whew.

Obviously, they're not called Ben and Sara, that would be crazy.

But she does castrate him at the end.

I guess I'll just have to read the next one.

What is the next one called?

Chastity.

Times have changed, huh?

No, but seriously, and don't tell Kelly this,

but I haven't actually written a single word in like two months.

Am I too young to be washed up?

Well, maybe you're abstaining from writing

to learn about abstinence.

Yeah. Maybe I am doing that.

That's what I'm doing.

♪ Growing up a little dog ♪

♪ Feeling insecure ♪

♪ Why can't we all get along in this doggone world? ♪

♪ Get along, little doggies ♪

♪ Little doggies, get along ♪

♪ Growing up a big dog in this big dog world ♪

♪ Why can't we all get along and stop being so insecure? ♪

I'm Cowboy Cody.

You guys might remember me from right now.

Maybe next week too.

You can maybe remember me from next week.

I'll be back.

Take care of yourselves. Drink water.

Excuse me.

Don't I know you from somewhere?

Well, you might, ma'am. Name's Cowboy Cody.

- Play down here all the time. - Tuesday night.

Weren't you at the Wenke Gallery in Fremont?

Cowboy Cody at an art gallery? Now that's a knee-slapper.

I saw you talking like a stuck-up art critic.

And then later, you were like this stoner professor.

And now, what are you, like, some kind of Southern guy?

Do I look like a college professor to you, ma'am?

I'm just a simple cowboy.

I write songs. Sometimes I sing them.

Have a good day, ma'am.

- Wait, so you're a cowboy? - Yes, ma'am.

Is this some kind of reality show or...?

Ma'am, I truly think you have me mistaken for somebody else.

- Have a nice day now. - No, no, it was you.

You're hard to miss in a crowd.

Come on, let me buy you a coffee or something.

Bless your heart, but I got to skedaddle out of here

and giddy on up onto my pony.

You need to learn some better cowboy words.

Come on, I'm really curious.

All right, well, if you're itching to see me,

I'm going to be in Fremont, Wednesday at 8:00.

- Who the hell are you? - I'm Cowboy Cody.

- Hello. - Hi, it's Ben. How are you?

Uh, good, you know?

Just doing my thing, you know, getting some productive writing done.

How about you? How's the flugelhorn coming?

Are you blowing it?

That was an attempt at flugelhorn humor.

Please say something else.

Oh, I was wondering if you wanted to go out

- Wednesday night with some friends of mine. - Ooh.

What were your friends thinking?

I'm not really sure yet.

Just maybe some drinks or maybe a show?

You know what? Maybe we could start off at Venue.

Some performers are doing something there.

I love performers doing something, so sure.

Great. So I'll see you then.

See you then.

What am I watching?

I think it's a satirical piece

on the entanglements created by the modern social construct.

I like the body positive aspect to the work.

It's so much a part of what's missing in post-modern art.

Bet by the end they give birth to a sweater.

That's impossible. Sweaters aren't humans.

Chloe here is a musician.

Yeah? What do you play?

Chloe isn't talking right now.

Oh. Why?

She's practicing meditative silence for 24 hours.

Cool.

Give it up for Yarna Sutra, everybody.

Whoo!

Excellent! Excellent!

Don't let my cat near those guys.

Up next, let's have a big round of applause

for Allie Cornbush!

My name's Allie Cornbush.

I'm from Iowa City, Iowa. Go, Hawkeyes!

I just got in town yesterday and I got off the Greyhound,

and there were two of the nicest fellas waiting for me.

One of them offered to help me with my luggage

and the other one offered to get married.

- Ooh! - Tomorrow.

I'm going to put it off until tomorrow.

We're going to do it tomorrow.

Oh, my God.

The reason that I came down here is because of my grandma.

- God bless her soul. - Aw...

So tonight, I'd like to perform for you a song that I wrote.

It's called "How To Be Alone."

It's for anyone who's ever felt lost.

♪ Wish I knew how to be alone ♪

♪ Wish I knew how to do it ♪

♪ Wish I knew how to be in the room by myself ♪

♪ Without thinking about you and ♪

♪ The times that we had ♪

♪ The people we saw ♪

♪ The places we saw together ♪

♪ Wish I knew how to be alone by myself ♪

♪ I just don't know how to do it ♪

♪ Wish I knew how to build a boat ♪

♪ I wish I knew how to do it ♪

♪ Guess I could grab a book off a shelf ♪

♪ And start rifling through it ♪

♪ But, oh, I forgot, I don't know how to sail ♪

♪ I don't have a sea leg to do it ♪

♪ I guess I'm landlocked ♪

♪ With a boat in my driveway ♪

♪ Oops ♪

♪ Because ♪

♪ I blew it. ♪

Thank you guys so much. I'm Allie Cornbush.

- Yeah! - Give it up for Allie Cornbush!

Yo, Allie Cornbush!

- Hey, darling. How are you? - That was amazing.

I mean, surprising, but amazing.

Thank you so much. You're so sweet.

Oh, this is Ben and, uh...

Ben's friends.

That was an interesting performance.

Thank you so much. You know, sometimes the Lord and the Holy Spirit

just come down into me, and I don't know what I'm gonna do.

- Oh! - Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Ooh, ooh!

You've got to join us.

I wish I could, but I've got to go. Nice meeting y'all.

- Toodle-oo! - Wait, where are you going?

What do you mean? I got places to go and people to see.

Well, can I come?

How about a raincheck?

Well, we could, but I'm free now.

I mean, I am kind of on a date, but...

Yeah, he seems happy with the farmer and his girlfriend,

so how about it?

Look, truthfully, I don't really find people

that interesting or worth getting to know.

But I'm obviously very intrigued by you, so...

All right. You're persistent.

Ballard Avenue and Montlake Boulevard at midnight.

Midnight?

Name's Sara, by the way, in case you wanted to know.

- Toodle-oo! - Okay.

Oh, hey.

Let's go.

Oh. Okay.

Um... um...

What-what is this? No, seriously.

Okay, wait for me. Wait for me, wait for me.

Did you hear that?

Is anybody there?

No? Okay.

Wait, what?

Where did you... go?

Hello?!

Hello?!

Hello?!

Oh, my God!

You are in the middle of nowhere

at 1:00 in the morning with some guy whose name you don't even know.

And now you're in the middle of a horror movie.

Not your best idea, Sara. Not your best idea.

Surprise!

It's me, DJ Katamine.

Okay. First of all, do not scare me!

And secondly, why are you wearing that?

Put it on. Let's find out.

- Wait, seriously? - Put it on.

Put it on, come on, put it on, put it on.

Well, if it ain't the OG!

What's good, man?

Hey, yo, we can't wait to see you spin tonight.

- Wait, you're a DJ? - Something like that.

Doesn't Deadmaus have this whole angle covered?

Yeah, where do you think he got the idea from?

What?

Hey, man, what's with the chick?

- She's all right. - I'm all right.

What are you, a DJ wannabe?

Yeah, that's right. I'm a DJ wannabe.

- Man, I ain't working with no toy. - Toy?

How long you been in the game for?

You're still just hitting play on Spotify.

Is she in the decks?

No, I got something else planned for her.

You do?

Just keep the toy away from me.

You're the boss.

What's up, you sexy mofos!

All right, our headliner's coming to the stage.

Give it up for the one,

the only, DJ Katamine!

Yo, yo, yo! What's up?

Make some noise!

Let's give it up for the hottest feline hype person in town!

Give it up for DJ Meow-na Lisa!

Hell no! I'm not going out there. I'm not a performer.

You're wearing a mask.

You can be anybody you want to be, just take it.

You go out there, not me.

Look, I brought you here for a reason.

I got a feeling about you.

Who's ready to lap up some milk?!

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

That was...

That was so much fun! Oh, my God!

You got me to perform in front of people, and I actually liked it.

Yo, yo, yo. I'm out, G.

Meow-na!

- Girl, you killed it tonight. - Thank you.

Hey, you can hype up any of my gigs.

- All right? Deuces! - Oh, thank you! Bye!

Yo.

I'm out.

Hey, I haven't been up this late since college

and I am still ready to go. So where do you want to go?

What do you want to do? Let's do it.

Oh, don't shake your head no.

Next time.

Admit it.

You like me.

- Give me your number. - I'll see you around.

Oh, let me hit you on your celly-welly, DJ Katamine!

What's good?

All right, fine. I'll give you my number.

206-855-3152!

All right, text me!

You sound like a fine young man.

- What'd you say your name was? - Name's George, sir.

Now don't tell me you're from Alabama yourself.

Yep! Born in the great city of Selma, sir.

Well, heck, I knew I liked you.

I love the films of Shammi Kapoor, too.

Oh, he was wonderful.

If you ever saw me, you'd say that I look just like Shammi.

Especially the way he looked in Mama Bhanja.

So you're a private investigator?

I was actually looking into hiring a private investigator.

Yeah, I just want to see what I'm up to.

I found that when I'm in Ardha Chandrasana,

I channel more Shiva energy if I wrap my standing leg around my head.

Do you hear that?

I'm just saying that "stop, drop, and roll,"

you got to add another "stop" to that.

There's no such thing as scented Wi-Fi. No, there's not.

Yeah, hi, just one piece of pizza delivered.

You guys just deliver pieces?

Your total is $321.

No. No.

You.

You Namaste.

What?

Hello?

You left your date in the middle of a club last night.

- You humiliated him. - Yeah, uh...

It wasn't really going well.

Okay, so you say you've got to walk your dog

or you have explosive diarrhea or something.

You don't just leave like an animal.

Plus, his mom? I was on the brink of signing her.

And she has more number one bestsellers

than all of my clients combined. That includes you.

All you had to do was be normal,

but you couldn't, could you? No.

But once again, it was all about you

with no thought of how it was going to affect me.

I'm sorry, I was wearing a cat head at a rave.

Be honest with me.

- Are you on drugs? - Please, I wish I was on drugs.

I'm too paranoid to be on drugs.

No, look, I'm sorry, I just...

I bumped into the most interesting person last night.

Please don't tell me you found another lost soul to save. Rub them!

I did not find another lost soul to save.

It was that eccentric guy from the gallery.

I think this guy can really inspire a good book.

What? No. No. No book.

Axi wants Chastity. That is what they paid for.

I think I can make Chastity about identity

and how we're all trying to be something we're not.

- I'm already writing it. - It's a book to diddle to!

What are you talking about? What? No, stop.

Chastity is a book about a girl

trying to track down her kidnapped dog

and hopefully banging a bunch of hot dudes along the way.

This isn't Tolstoy.

What's this guy's name anyway?

You know what? I don't know.

Okay, so you're going to write a boring novel

about a nameless guy you just met? Is that the plan?

He's not one person. He's, like, many different people.

He's a mystery, and I need to unravel him.

Oh, honey, no. Sara, the streets of Seattle

are littered with guys like this.

You're mistaking crazy for interesting.

No, he's not crazy.

He's a complete original, like...

one day, he's this pretentious, stuck-up art critic

and on the next, he's a female singer.

And then the day after that, he's like a rave DJ.

Okay, so fully schizophrenic,

'cause that's exactly what you just described.

- Please tell me you're not sleeping with him. - No!

I do feel happy around him, though, and inspired.

Still, you should get tested anyway.

This is not about dating, and it's not about me.

It's about the book, I promise.

And last night, the dam broke,

and I couldn't stop writing.

And it's the best stuff I've ever written.

You know what?

I am going to be late for my guitar lesson.

- I got to go. - You're taking guitar lessons?

Yeah, I got to fill up my creative gas tank.

No, Sara, guitaring is not writing.

Hello! Hello! Damn it!

It's like you're my only friend.

Well, it's about time you came to visit.

Well?

That's not enough. That's not enough!

After all we've done for you and those kids,

this is all we get?

Why don't you go back to your fancy apartment

and get us some more money?

- Give me my half. - No, you're not getting half.

- Give me the money! - You asshole! No!

You're just gonna drink it or you're gonna throw it away!

- The money! - All I know is, all his friends

and everybody coming over here and...

Excuse me.

Oh, hey! You're from last night.

What do you want with him?

What do you mean, what do I want?

I mean, why are you hanging with him?

What? Who are you? I don't even know you.

How the hell do you know where I live?

- I followed you home last night. - Okay, wow.

If you stalk me, I will call the cops.

Jeez!

- Just leave Godfrey alone. - Oh, that's his name? Godfrey?

Yeah, Godfrey doesn't have no friends.

Oh, yeah? Then who the hell are you?

I'm his brother.

Wait, you're his brother?

Yeah, so I know everything that goes on in his life.

Trust me, you ain't going to be a part of it.

Oh. Well, are you his brother or his father?

Because whoever he is, he's a grown-ass man.

He doesn't have to answer to you. And neither do I.

Yo, leave him alone!

He doesn't need you screwing up his life!

You're no good. The kids won't like you.

Yes, they will, you stupid.

You stay down, and you just be a stupid puppet.

Okay. Sorry, Boss.

Our favorite volunteer, Mr. G, is back with us today.

What?

Isn't that great?

Hello, kids!

I think it's time for me to get a haircut.

Oh, did I hear a haircut?

I'm a magician. I can do it without scissors.

Okay, now watch carefully.

Abracadabra. Alakazam!

What do you think of your new look?

Give me my hair back or I will eat you!

Okay, okay, don't eat me, Lion.

Okay, children, do you remember the magic words?

Abracadabra! Alakazam!

Ooh, I can't see my hat. I cannot see the top of my head!

Thank you. Thank you.

Sara?

Oh, my God. Nope, nope, nope, nope.

- No, no, nope. - Sara?

Simon!

Hi!

Is that your bike?

This bike?

No.

No. No. Uh-uh.

- Come here, bring it in. - Okay!

Hi. Oh, we're hugging.

- Oh, okay. - Yep. Good to see you.

- How are you? - Good. Good.

God, it's been a minute. What are you doing?

I am taking guitar lessons.

See? I have a guitar.

Hey. Your hair, it's longer.

It is! Thank you for noticing. It grew, so...

- Every day, it grows. - Yeah.

And, yeah. How are the suburbs?

Not as bad as you think.

There's actually some cool people in the boonies.

Oh, great! I'm sure.

That's so wonderful.

- Nice Dockers, by the way. - Oh, how dare you?

These are Banana Republic.

This is my wife, Allegra.

- Allegra! Hi! - Hi!

- Look at that! Congratulations to you. - Oh, thank you.

Yeah, okay. I'm just going to say it.

Simon told me all about you

- and I loved your book. - Oh!

- Sext. - What?

Yeah, I mean, I know I'm not exactly the target audience,

but there are some serious feminist undertones in there

and it reminded me of, like, Louisa May Alcott.

Thank you.

Oh, that is so nice. Thank you.

- Well, Allegra's a writer too. - What?

Oh, my God, but nowhere near as good as what you do.

I mean, I just write biographies.

- I don't invent things. - Yeah, but you were just nominated for a PEN.

Well, I'm not going to win, so we don't have to talk about that.

- PEN?! - Don't say that.

Everyone's freaking out for it!

Look, she just wrote Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's bio.

- What?! - Amazing.

Guilty!

Guilty?

- Hmm. - Are you okay?

Yeah.

So when are you due?

Two weeks to go.

I don't know how I could get any bigger.

- You're huge, by the way. - I know!

I'm like a beluga!

Yeah, but I mean, Simon's been so attentive.

Aw, look at that!

That's so great. Really, that's so amazing.

I didn't know you wanted kids! So, that's news.

Whatever happened to...

"I can't in good conscience bring a child into this world?"

What happened to that guy?

- Water. - Where is he?

Oh, I mean, it just happened so fast.

I mean, we were dating for like, what, four months?

- Five? - That's fast!

I think it was four months, then we got married.

Wow!

And then, I mean, this just happened.

And, I mean, I don't even know this guy.

Me either!

- Uh, honey, we don't want to be late. - Oh! No, we don't.

- We're taking maternity photos. - Okay.

Well, it was really great seeing you.

Okay. Yeah, really good to see you.

- Yeah, great meeting you. - To meet you.

See you, and thank you.

- Okay. Yep. Yep, yep. - All right. Okay.

- Okay, bye. I love her. - Okay.

- I do want kids. - Oh. We'll talk about it in the car.

Okay, but I...

- We'll talk about it in the car. - Okay.

- Speak. - Hello, is this Sara?

- Who is this? - It is Mateo.

My good friend DJ Katamine suggested I call you.

Oh! DJ Katamine. Right.

Hi, Mateo. Buenas noches.

- ¿Cómo está? - No, I don't actually speak Spanish.

So, it was suggested by my friend

that you might want to try some ballroom dancing.

Really? Well, uh, did your friend happen to mention

that I haven't ballroom-danced in, I don't know,

- like, never? - It's okay.

He told me you have the body of a dancer

and the finesse of a mongoose.

Oh, well, that's very... flattering?

Then I will pick you up tonight at sbet w thlathwn.

- What? - That's Arabic for 7:30.

Oh, right. Mateo, I will see you then.

Oh, wait. You don't actually know

where I... live.

Mateo, I don't have any experience with this kind of dancing.

I don't think anyone has in, like, 60 years.

Follow me

and I will lead you to the path of beauty.

Oh, okay.

How'd you learn to dance like this?

- It is in my blood. - Right.

And where exactly are you from?

The entire planet is my home.

I was a young boy, I was a goat herder in Argentina,

and I dream of dancing the waltz after I saw The Sound of Music.

- I love that movie. - Me too.

And so I searched the country for Maria, and I can't find her.

And so I ended up dancing with my goat, Sofia.

- Okay. - Yeah.

So you learned to dance with your goat.

That sounds normal, right?

Very popular.

- Wunderbar! - What is that, German?

Sí. Oui, oui.

- Follow me. - Okay.

Ooh! Okay...

- Magnifique. - Thanks.

Hey.

So last night wasn't a dream.

You are welcome.

I just realized I haven't had a guy in my apartment

in, like, a year.

So thank you for being such a gentleman.

It is who I am.

You know, yesterday I ran into my ex,

and he was with his wife. And she was pregnant.

I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm telling you this.

Oh, no! Uh, well...

I guess it just kind of upset me,

because it made me sad that he's not living his truth.

- But there's nothing I can do about that. - Sí.

I'm so glad you called,

because I feel like our night together

reminded me of who I really am.

I'm sorry. Blah, blah, blah.

Why don't you tell me something about you?

Well...

I am but a poor, young goat herder...

- From Argentina. Yeah, I know. - Argentina.

But see, I just spilled my guts,

so maybe you can tell me something honest, something true.

Okay. Well...

I come to the US... I'm a stowaway.

Wait, is this a real story?

'Cause I know you're not really from Argentina.

I am!

'Cause I just assumed last night we were messing around,

so what's... What's your deal?

I first move here to Miami, I have no job.

And so I start as a dishwasher,

and I do some things I am not proud of.

- I'm not judging, so... - Okay, so my friend, Manny,

he tells me about a job we can do for money, you know?

We sell ze yayo. Ze cocaine.

And we get a job.

We go down to South Beach, we have a kilo,

and this man and wife, they take the kilo,

they don't give us money, and they take Manny.

And they beat him. And they put him in the shower,

and they chain him up and they get a chainsaw.

And they're going to kill him. And I say, "No!"

Wait. Are you fucking with me? What is this?

No, I'm not fucking.

That's the plot of Scarface, dude.

I have... never seen such movies.

No. No. Seriously?

What is this? What's happening right now?

- Are you pranking me? - No! I am telling you a story.

No, you're not. You're not telling a story.

You're making a joke about everything, and I'm believing you.

God, I don't know what this is.

I don't know what happened last night.

Maybe it's because I actually like you.

Maybe it's because I saw my ex, but either way,

I spent the night with you, okay?

And I'm-I'm dressed, but I feel completely naked right now.

I need to know who I'm with.

Nothing?

Okay, so now I have to ask you to leave.

I want you to leave.

You have to go! Now!

Who are you?

Nobody.

So I'm downstairs, and I hear this noise.

I push open the bathroom door, and there's Dan,

- and he is standing there wiping off makeup. - Right.

Makeup! It was my makeup!

And I get it, it's modern times right now,

and we're all supposed to be, like, gender fluid or whatever.

But you would think, after eight years of marriage,

my husband would tell me if he was thinking

- about crossdressing or whatever. - Maybe.

Yeah. I guess it doesn't matter.

It would have been nice if you listened to my story

about my husband using all of my foundation.

- I slept with him. - Who, Dan?

- No, with the guy. - Nutty? You slept with Nutty?

- I slept with him. - Oh, God!

I didn't sleep with him. We just cuddled all night, but...

And don't call him Nutty. His name's Godfrey,

or Mateo, or, like, whatever.

- His name is Godfrey? - Yeah.

Some parent named their kid Godfrey,

and then you slept with that guy.

- You slept with a Godfrey. - I was feeling vulnerable.

And he was charming. He was very charming.

He took us out dancing! We danced!

Like, we really danced. And then next thing you know,

- we're just, like, spooning in my bed. - Is that fun?

It might have something to do with the fact that I bumped into Simon earlier.

What? Oh, dear!

He's married.

And his PEN Award-nominated wife is pregnant.

Ugh, shit! I hate it when men upgrade. No offense.

Do you think she needs an agent?

I'm kidding! I'm kidding.

Come here. Look, it's okay. I'm here.

Did you get any good material from this?

- Are you serious? - I'm just...

Hey! Hey, you! Yeah, you!

- You're the crazy lady. - Yeah, you know what?

I am crazed. Fucking crazed for some Fromage Madeleine,

which you don't have for the third week in a row, by the way.

Who do I have to blow

to get some decent cheese around here? Is it you?

Is that what you want? You want me to embarrass you

in front of all your clerk friends?

No. I will go check with my manager.

Yeah. Do that, because this threat extends to him, too!

- It's fine. - I'm just...

I'm so confused. Like,

who have I been hanging out with this whole time?

- Why is he doing this? - Um, he's crazy, so just stay away.

He's not crazy. He's choosing his personalities.

Trust me. I did some Googling.

Oh, boy. Um... Ahem, Sara?

- What? - Ahem.

- I was wrong. Okay? - Whoa.

I was wrong, I said it, to ask you to come out of your shell.

All right? So just stuff yourself back in there and finish your book,

because so far, the material is pretty good

and all you need is some distance and objectivity, right?

- Do not shit where you eat. - Okay.

You don't think I have plenty of clients that I would love to bang,

but I don't, and you know why?

- Uh-uh. - Commission.

- You thought I was going to say morals. - I did.

It's commission.

Class, guess who's back?

It's our volunteer, Mr. G!

Yay!

Whoa!

You guys look so much older.

- How are you? - Good.

Are you good? Good.

- You guys want to read a book? - Yeah!

- Yeah? - You will read the book.

You know what? I'll read a book for you.

How to Be a Friend. That sounds like a good book, doesn't it?

- Yeah! - Yeah.

"There are times when it feels good to be by yourself

and enjoying your own company.

But there are also times when you may feel lonely or bored,

when you want to have someone to play with...

Anyone who is nice to you

and who likes to play with you

can become your friend."

"The best thing about having a friend

is... sharing."

Do you need to go to the potty, Mr. G?

I'm fine. I'm fine. Thank you. Um...

"We want somebody to share with.

Mr. Frog wants to share."

Who wants to share with Mr. Frog?

♪ Broke my heart, woe my soul ♪

♪ You got a lover's rock and roll ♪

♪ The next day, a man, he lived next door ♪

♪ He kept me up all night, made trouble, boy... ♪

Hey, what up?

What, are you stalking me again?

Hell, no. This is my office.

- Your office? - Yeah.

What is that, weed? I thought weed was legal.

People still like the drama of buying it on the street.

Okay, what do you want?

- He's sorry. - Oh, you talked to him.

Look, I don't know what he did, but he feels bad about it.

All right, sit down. Let's talk.

Here. Take that. You can have it.

- What the hell is this? - It's tofu.

- Tofu? I thought it was turkey. - Yeah.

You don't just hand someone a tofu sandwich

and not say anything. What's wrong with you?

I'm sorry, man. Jeez.

So what's up with your brother?

- It's complicated. - Yeah, no shit.

I mean, is he ever himself?

Have I actually even met the guy?

Yeah, but...

it's all versions of him. You know what I mean?

No, I don't.

Well, all the "hims," they're still him,

but he doesn't want to be completely himself.

You don't want to know.

I do want to know.

I care about your brother.

I know I don't know him, clearly,

but... I feel like...

inside, there's a special, sweet person.

Man, the only reason I'm telling you this

is because Godfrey likes you, okay?

Because you need to understand where he's coming from.

Godfrey's parents were worthless.

Okay? They took in foster kids to make money.

When we were growing up, Godfrey was more than a brother

to me and my sister, Didi.

He was like our dad.

He took care of us.

Cooked, cleaned, made us go to school.

My sister...

she wasn't but five years old at the time,

and one day while Godfrey was getting me ready for school,

Di was playing by the window in the living room.

And my fosters was in there, but they was drunk,

passed out or some shit.

Next thing you know...

she fell out.

And we ran downstairs, and, um...

Godfrey took her in his arms, but...

she was gone.

Oh, my God.

My fosters blamed it all on Godfrey.

- Oh, come on! That's not fair. - It doesn't matter.

Since then, he's just been blocking out the world.

That's why he does them characters.

He don't like being himself 'cause of the guilt.

I haven't really seen the real Godfrey since she died.

I'm so sorry.

Is he getting any help?

He's working and making a living

and functioning, so that's all I care about.

What can I do?

Well, best thing you could've done was leave him be,

but now that you messed that up, just...

I don't know, be a good friend to him.

I mean, I would like to,

but I can't even get ahold of him.

He's going to be at this tonight.

What is this? Like stand-up comedy?

No clue. He's always doing something

to keep his mind focused on anything but himself.

Does he even enjoy it?

He kind of relaxes around kids.

That's the only time he feels really calm.

- Where are you going? - I've got to pick up a new mixer.

I'm just short on a little paper right now.

Oh. Well, do you want some money?

- I have some. - Hey, don't try buying me off.

You just be you.

Just be me. Okay.

I am ready on my own.

As the Earth readies my surroundings,

I sit deep in silence as I meditate on my opulence.

Thank you.

Give it up once again there for Lesa Koitsioe.

Coming up next, we have a guy

that says he's going to do something.

Please welcome to the stage, for the very first time,

Tim Dimmitt.

Thanks.

I wrote... um...

I wrote something.

She.

"She... she flutters through the house,

a splash of sunshine,

sprinkling her magic in the air with laughter.

Each syllable of sound echoes in my soul.

But as I walk in a space of a world left behind,

I see the ghost of her

and I search and search, but all in vain.

And I hear...

an echo of nothing.

So upon these streets, I wa..."

I'm sorry.

"So upon these streets, I walk alone.

But now a new sound fills the air...

The laughter of a woman who has walked beside me.

She's helped fill the void through music,

through words, art and rhyme...

and eases the pain of the simple sound

of a child who's long gone."

So, Tim Dimmitt.

You always wear your sunglasses at night?

- My eyes are sensitive to light. - Oh.

So I use my other senses, like my hands,

nose, and ears in low-light situations.

And I can tell that you're wearing a moisturizer

that has a strong scent of gardenia,

a hint of jasmine...

and a refined honeysuckle finish.

- That's amazing. - Heard that.

I can tell you're a very sensitive man.

The poem you recited was very moving.

It must have taken a lot of courage

to say it out loud like that.

Oh, I'm just trying to sort things out.

The world is a messy place.

Hey, how are you doing?

I'm all right, you know?

Just killing time.

Before we met,

I was kind of in a funk.

I was depressed, to be honest.

I couldn't access my creativity,

and then... I met you,

and that all went away. So...

I guess that's the opposite of killing time.

Hey, why don't you tell me something

about the girl in the poem?

I don't like talking about it, it's...

It's too hard.

I understand. It is hard.

It's hard to talk about the most painful things in our lives,

but sometimes...

when we look inside and deal with those most painful things,

it can turn into something really beautiful.

So... if you want to talk about her...

I'm here.

It's been a long time since I let someone in.

Her name was Didi.

She had a beautiful soul.

She loved country music,

so I'd sing "Achy-Breaky Heart" to her every morning.

Her laugh was magic.

- Oh, my God! Oh! - I am so sorry!

- Ew. Oh, it's soaked. Oh, my God. - Oh...

- Yeah, can I get a napkin, please? - Yeah.

Oh, my dress.

You know what? I'm going to go to the bathroom.

I'm sorry. Excuse me.

God!

Shit.

Okay, we've got to stop meeting like this.

So, this was all about a book?

Yeah, I was right about you.

That's not fair. I care about your brother.

No, you don't care about shit.

You're just one more person with their hand out,

taking what you want from him.

You're just like our fosters.

I have been looking for him. Where is he?

No, I told you not to get involved with him, okay?

Now he's got to put his pieces back together 'cause of you.

What do you expect me to do? I can't help someone

who won't even admit that they have a problem.

A problem? No, you're the one with a problem.

Now stay the fuck away from us.

- I won't ask again. - Where is he?

Well, what's his address? I'll find him myself.

A last name, maybe?

Gee, thanks, Shad. Very helpful.

- It's finished? - Yeah.

Oh, that was fast.

I'm actually excited to see how this thing ends.

So what's up with you and Godfrey?

I still haven't seen him.

Sara, you need to find him and make things right.

If he was pissed about your personal diary,

he's going to be even more upset

when your book is a huge best-seller,

knock on wood.

Well, his brother told me to stay away.

- So what? Who cares? - So, I'm staying away.

I love you, but this, like, manic pixie dream girl,

"I don't know what's going on" thing

is really starting to piss me off.

You forced your way into that man's life,

and you made a mess of it, and now that it doesn't suit your needs anymore,

you're just going to walk away.

You were the one who told me to keep hanging out with him.

Yeah, for inspiration, not to ruin his life.

And honestly, the truth is, like,

this is your M.O. This is what you do.

You bail when things get hard.

That... that is not true.

No? You didn't bail on Simon?

He broke up with me!

You pushed him away because he didn't fit

your version of what an artist should be,

whatever that means, after you made him become an artist.

That is such bullshit, Kelly.

Yeah, and there's more, Sara, okay?

You think everyone is a phony.

Simon's a phony, Ben and his friends are phony.

Somehow no one but you is living their authentic life,

yet you are writing a book that you think is beneath you.

Because you wanted me to!

I was perfectly happy representing you

when you were writing feminist allegories

about the mermaid myth that sold five copies,

but when I told you that you could make money writing garbage,

you jumped at the chance.

I am telling you this because I'm your friend.

Well, it doesn't feel like you're my friend.

Well, friendship doesn't always feel good

and I know you think I'm an asshole,

but you know I am a good friend, and I am a loyal friend,

and friends tell each other the truth, even when it sucks.

Yeah, well, this lunch sucks!

- The food is very good... - The food is very good.

This sucks.

Sara, do you see the guy over my shoulder?

- Who, the bartender? - No. The Buddha.

Yeah. What about him?

Do you know what he would say

if he were to join this conversation?

No, I do not.

He would say, "You need to follow the Eightfold Path."

It is the path that teaches us

the importance of actively helping others

to free them from their suffering.

Okay. What do you know about Buddhism?

A lot, because I am a Buddhist, so...

You're a Buddhist?

You're a Buddhist? This whole time?

You...

You're a Buddhist!

You're a Buddhist?

She's a Buddhist!

You've got to be the worst Buddhist I've ever seen!

If you reduce the world down to atoms and molecules,

you see that we're all just one big organism,

and that what we do as individuals has an effect on others.

You have an obligation to help that man

because in a way, you are that man.

Okay, I...

I didn't come here to get confused and lectured at.

Who would go anywhere to be confused?

Like, why would you pay for that?

You know what? You have my book,

so just leave me alone.

Ow.

You should make sure there's more space between the tables.

Oh, my God. Hey! Hey! I know you!

Hey! Hi! I know you!

Can I... No, please. Can I just ask you a question?

Please? Please? Please? Please?

Well, if it isn't the DJ wannabe.

DJ Meow-na Lisa, right?

Uh, no, Sara. But, yeah. Hi.

I'm not really a DJ hype cat.

No shit?

What do you want?

I haven't been able to find Godfrey. DJ Katamine.

- Have you guys seen him? - Not for a few weeks.

It's like he dropped off the face of the planet or something.

- What about Shad? - Shad's in jail.

- Got caught boosting mixers. - Shit! Seriously?

He's going to be in there for a minute.

There's got to be something I can do to help.

You should've taken the money.

What are you doing down here?

Bailing your ass out of jail.

Oh, yeah, right.

If you take me to him.

I'll take you up on that.

Just to get away from that crazy mofo.

He's a baby-faced serial killer.

But he looks so normal.

Maintain the integrity of the pitch.

- But put it in your own words. What? - Mr. Glasser?

I think there's something wrong with G-Money.

He looks fine to me.

He's in his bathrobe, sir.

- Does it turn you on? - Sir?

Chicken Little? "The sky is falling."

Okay, then. Yup.

What a dick!

To begin again, press eight after you hear the beep.

- Beep! - I'd like to change my order, please.

Is this a real person I'm talking to?

I am a new beta version

of an automated voice system called Cray-bot.

My name is John.

Yes, I'd like to cancel my web-builder package, please.

Your credit card has been charged

- $125.60. - No!

As I just said, I'd like to cancel that order.

Your credit card has been charged $125.60.

That man is a goddamn genius.

Hey, everyone, guess who's here?

Mr. G's back, and he's going to play

some really fun music for you all.

Two volunteers, I guess.

Okay, you heard Mr. G. Two volunteers.

Great. You guys are doing great.

All right. Great job. Here you go.

Hey, Mr. G, you all right?

It's weird.

He's here every day, but he ain't no character.

Just like some sort of robot, talking all monotone and shit.

It's bad.

I really messed up, I'm going to go talk to him.

Hey, Godfrey.

I know you're mad at me, and I don't blame you,

but I'm really worried about you.

Do you need anything?

I have to go.

Well, do you want to, like, DJ tonight or...

I mean, Shad's back.

Me and him are going to break out his new mixer.

DJ Meow-na Lisa in the house. You know?

Look, I know what happened to your sister,

and I'm so sorry.

Those fosters, they were supposed to protect all of you.

You have to forgive yourself.

- Are you sitting down? - No.

Doesn't matter, because I am.

Guess what? Axi loves the book. Yeah.

They want to get together right away.

They want to talk film rights.

I can't right now, Kelly.

What do you mean, not now?

You are such a bummer sometimes.

Meet me at Axi tomorrow at 11:00.

You sell this movie, the rest of them will follow,

I promise you.

- I got to go. - What the hell, Sara?

Fantastic stuff, Sara, really.

So original, and-and oof! Compelling.

So you guys might want to buckle up here

because we're so excited.

We want to do an initial run of...

One hundred thousand copies.

And we're going to up your advance to $350,000.

Dollars.

That's dollars. Fuck, yeah!

Also,

multiple studios are already calling on the film rights.

You're going to make some serious cash money on this.

Fuck, yeah!

That is what gets me hard in the fucking morning!

Whoo! Boners! Everyone has boners.

Oh, my God! I represent so many shitty writers.

- Yeah! Whoo! - I needed this win!

Oh, I'm so unhappy in my marriage.

This is the only thing I am living for.

Aren't you fucking pumped?! Aren't you excited?!

- She's excited. - I, uh...

- She is, we are... - It's truly...

- truly needing more money. - ...unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

You guys, if that got your cocks racing,

get your seatbelts, clickity-clack them back in,

because guess what?

We've mocked up some covers to show you.

If you look on the... Where are they?

You've got one job.

One thing that you do. There it is. Wow.

Slowly but surely.

We've even come up with some alternative titles.

Check it out. Okay, we're going real retro kitschy.

I'm sorry. That's...

- Oh, she took it. She took the phone call. - Hello?

- Regarding other... - Shad? I'm sorry. I can't right now.

Let's stay focused here, and blonde to blonde.

- What's going on? - What type of contingencies

- are we looking at? - Okay.

I have to go. I have to go. I have to go.

Where did she go? Is she still behind me?

My friend's in trouble. I'm sorry.

Excuse me?

- Do you think she's coming back? - I-I don't know.

- Okay. I don't... - Okay. Oh.

Because we are not negotiating right now.

I will call you when she is ready.

Okay.

- Thank you for being here. - Of course.

Why is everyone so tiny in this office building?

There he is.

- Hey, Shad. - Thanks for coming.

You know, shit's just getting way over my head.

- Who's she? - Oh, that's my friend, Kelly.

All right.

So I'm afraid we're in kind of a bind here.

So what's the issue?

Some parents noticed

some odd things about Mr. G.

Many of them are wondering if he might be schizophrenic.

He's not schizophrenic, and I will tell you why.

One, he does not suffer from visual hallucinations.

Two, he does not suffer from auditory hallucinations

and three, he does not exhibit signs of delusional behavior,

so there's that.

- Is she a doctor? - She repped Dr. Phil.

Look, what do I tell a concerned parent

who said that she saw him performing as a cowboy on the street

and then, less than an hour later, dressed as a matador?

What, he can't perform now?

If a person is found mentally unstable,

obviously they're not going to be allowed to work

with any children in Washington State.

No, no. Godfrey is not mentally unstable.

He is a man dealing with grief in a profound way.

He doesn't need a psych evaluation.

He needs support,

and time to process what he's going through.

Look...

I appreciate everything that has been said here today.

But if Mr. G doesn't grade out with his evaluations next week,

he's done here.

Hey, y'all! My name is Cowgirl Cassie.

Now I'm not really a performer,

but today I decided to sing some songs for y'all

and for a friend I'm hoping to see.

Hey there, young man.

Why don't you come on up here and join me on the stage?

Help me sing this song. Come on now. Don't be shy!

Come on up here. I see you. Come on.

Get on up here!

Where you belong. That's right.

Oop, what's that? That's for you.

Whoo, whoo, whoo!

Cowboy Cody, everybody! Give him a round of applause.

Thank you.

Well, you got a smile on your face.

- That's a good thing. - You think so?

Hell, I know so.

So, we friends again?

You got retty good for someone who doesn't perform there, young lady.

Maybe we should make a duo.

Yeah, like Faith Hill and Tim McGraw.

You could be Faith.

So if we're going to be a duo,

then we're friends now, right?

'Cause friends are there for each other.

And... I want to help you.

Like you helped me.

And I know I haven't met the real you yet...

but the truth is, I'm the one that's the phony.

I wrote books I don't care about.

I was in a five-year relationship

that I only pretended was great.

I...

I've been a phony... to friends,

to everyone in my life.

I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you about the book,

but I learned so much about you and myself writing it.

It changed me.

Look... you're going to lose your gig at the school.

If you don't show them the real you...

they're going to cut you from the program.

But the school is willing to work with you

if you can pull it together.

They have counselors there to help you through this,

and I could help you.

You just have to be yourself.

So what do you say?

Let's start over.

For real this time.

Hi. I'm Sara.

Okay.

Well, then I guess that's goodbye.

Wait, Sara?

Don't leave.

It's me.

Godfrey.

I know who I am when I'm with you.

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