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1
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Mindy, you have to understand,
2
00:00:22,188 --> 00:00:28,111
in my generation, body-shaming
was just a way we would kid around
3
00:00:28,194 --> 00:00:29,237
with each other.
4
00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:32,032
You know, you'd see a guy
with big ears, and you'd say,
5
00:00:32,115 --> 00:00:34,075
"Hey, Dumbo, where's your feather?"
6
00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:36,286
And no one ever got offended.
7
00:00:36,369 --> 00:00:39,581
It was just considered
good-natured joshing.
8
00:00:39,664 --> 00:00:40,540
All righty.
9
00:00:40,623 --> 00:00:44,044
As a matter of fact,
Dumbo might have a clever retort like,
10
00:00:44,127 --> 00:00:46,767
"Careful I don't fly overhead
and take a big elephant dump on you."
11
00:00:46,838 --> 00:00:50,300
- Okay. You... you made your point.
- Hang on. Take it easy.
12
00:00:50,383 --> 00:00:51,383
All right.
13
00:00:52,635 --> 00:00:55,805
When I was growing up,
I had a girlfriend named Sissy,
14
00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:57,307
and she had a glass eye.
15
00:00:58,349 --> 00:01:01,978
So, naturally, everyone called her
Sissy Cyclops,
16
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:03,229
to her face.
17
00:01:03,313 --> 00:01:04,439
She didn't mind.
18
00:01:04,522 --> 00:01:08,735
After school, I would say,
"See you around, Sissy Cyclops."
19
00:01:08,818 --> 00:01:12,280
And she would say,
"I'll keep an eye out for you."
20
00:01:12,363 --> 00:01:13,198
Terrific.
21
00:01:13,281 --> 00:01:19,079
Now, where I went wrong was to forget
how sensitive your generation is.
22
00:01:19,579 --> 00:01:22,207
None of you ever lost a soccer game
23
00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:25,376
or a brother in Korea.
24
00:01:25,460 --> 00:01:28,880
I'm confused.
Is this supposed to be an apology?
25
00:01:28,963 --> 00:01:31,800
Yes. Yes, it... it is.
26
00:01:31,883 --> 00:01:33,343
Uh, and now it's my turn.
27
00:01:33,426 --> 00:01:36,429
Mindy, sweetie, I... I... I love you,
28
00:01:36,513 --> 00:01:40,517
a... and the last thing in the world
I'd want to do is hurt your feelings.
29
00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:42,769
And I'm not gonna let
anybody else hurt them either.
30
00:01:45,438 --> 00:01:47,524
I don't...
31
00:01:47,607 --> 00:01:51,111
Please forgive me...
...for not saying something last night.
32
00:01:51,194 --> 00:01:55,115
I should have said something.
I don't know why... I... I... I'm an idiot.
33
00:01:55,198 --> 00:01:58,076
I'm an idiot,
and... and I don't deserve you.
34
00:02:01,329 --> 00:02:02,372
You really don't.
35
00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:04,957
So we're good?
36
00:02:05,834 --> 00:02:06,960
We're good.
37
00:02:07,877 --> 00:02:10,463
Martin said you're on the last train
to Clarksville.
38
00:02:12,340 --> 00:02:13,466
Tough break.
39
00:02:15,635 --> 00:02:16,678
Why would you say that?
40
00:02:18,179 --> 00:02:20,348
What? Midnight train to Georgia?
41
00:02:20,431 --> 00:02:21,431
No.
42
00:02:21,766 --> 00:02:23,977
No. Nothing.
43
00:02:31,484 --> 00:02:33,153
Am I correct in assuming
44
00:02:33,236 --> 00:02:36,489
that Mindy's mother will be living
with you for the foreseeable future?
45
00:02:36,573 --> 00:02:37,407
Yes.
46
00:02:37,490 --> 00:02:39,284
Oh, you'll be outnumbered.
47
00:02:39,367 --> 00:02:43,079
- Uh, I... I don't see it that way.
- Really? You forget how to count?
48
00:02:44,956 --> 00:02:45,957
Okay, just...
49
00:02:58,553 --> 00:03:00,763
I'm gonna kill her.
50
00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:03,057
I swear to God, I'm gonna kill her.
51
00:03:03,141 --> 00:03:04,309
Not now, Mom.
52
00:03:04,934 --> 00:03:08,771
Well, I don't have long to live.
What are they gonna do? Give me the chair?
53
00:03:08,855 --> 00:03:11,482
I think, in California,
it's lethal injection.
54
00:03:11,566 --> 00:03:13,776
Oh my God. Stop it, both of you.
55
00:03:17,113 --> 00:03:19,908
Good afternoon and welcome.
56
00:03:21,117 --> 00:03:24,662
Thank you for joining us
as we celebrate the union
57
00:03:24,746 --> 00:03:29,167
of Mindy Clarice Kominsky
and Martin Lester Schneider.
58
00:03:29,250 --> 00:03:31,920
I am Dr. Roz Volander,
59
00:03:32,003 --> 00:03:37,008
and it is my great privilege,
both as Mindy's mom
60
00:03:37,091 --> 00:03:43,139
and as an ordained minister
of the Church of Universal Life,
61
00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:45,266
to perform this ceremony.
62
00:03:45,350 --> 00:03:46,851
Minister, schminister.
63
00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:50,188
Oh, I'd also like to welcome Martin's mom,
64
00:03:50,271 --> 00:03:51,522
Estelle.
65
00:03:51,606 --> 00:03:56,069
Estelle has come all the way
from Scottsdale, Arizona.
66
00:03:56,152 --> 00:04:01,616
Estelle, from this day forth,
our families are forever joined,
67
00:04:01,699 --> 00:04:06,496
bound together
by the love of our children.
68
00:04:07,205 --> 00:04:08,081
My daughter,
69
00:04:08,164 --> 00:04:10,083
in the prime of her life,
70
00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:11,667
and your son,
71
00:04:11,709 --> 00:04:13,962
in his twilight years.
72
00:04:15,964 --> 00:04:17,715
Uh, Mindy, Martin,
73
00:04:17,799 --> 00:04:20,551
the vows you are about to take
74
00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:24,305
are sacred vows.
75
00:04:24,389 --> 00:04:28,601
They have to be entered into
without doubt or hesitation.
76
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:30,895
They have to be the expression
77
00:04:30,979 --> 00:04:33,690
of your deepest, your most heartfelt
78
00:04:34,357 --> 00:04:37,068
feelings of love for one another.
79
00:04:37,151 --> 00:04:39,070
Are you prepared to do that?
80
00:04:39,153 --> 00:04:40,153
Yes.
81
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:42,323
Twilight years?
82
00:04:44,492 --> 00:04:45,702
Yes.
83
00:04:47,245 --> 00:04:50,123
- Martin, why don't you start?
- All righty.
84
00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:53,126
I had to... write it down.
85
00:04:58,548 --> 00:04:59,548
Mindy,
86
00:05:00,341 --> 00:05:02,176
ever since we first met,
87
00:05:02,802 --> 00:05:06,723
I knew you were the one
I had been searching for all my life.
88
00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:11,477
I remember we were
at a bookstore standing next to each other
89
00:05:11,561 --> 00:05:13,646
in the... the young adult section.
90
00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:16,524
That's... that's another story
for another time.
91
00:05:16,607 --> 00:05:19,777
Uh, when I noticed you were staring at me,
92
00:05:20,361 --> 00:05:21,612
I got a little flustered,
93
00:05:21,696 --> 00:05:24,907
and I asked if everything was okay.
94
00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:27,994
And you said
I looked like a Pez dispenser,
95
00:05:28,077 --> 00:05:29,579
and if you pulled on my ponytail,
96
00:05:29,662 --> 00:05:32,498
a little piece of candy
would pop out my mouth.
97
00:05:33,833 --> 00:05:35,835
Needless to say, I... I laughed.
98
00:05:35,918 --> 00:05:40,256
And that's when I realized
it had been so long since I laughed.
99
00:05:40,882 --> 00:05:42,717
And I knew. I knew right then.
100
00:05:43,801 --> 00:05:44,801
Mindy,
101
00:05:46,471 --> 00:05:48,848
you are the most important woman
in my life.
102
00:05:56,147 --> 00:05:58,775
You're the most important woman
in my life,
103
00:05:58,858 --> 00:06:00,943
and I want to share my life with you.
104
00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:06,783
And... and I vow to... to be your friend
and... and lover and... and protector
105
00:06:06,866 --> 00:06:11,371
for as long as God gives me life.
106
00:06:12,747 --> 00:06:13,747
I love you.
107
00:06:14,499 --> 00:06:15,541
I love you too.
108
00:06:16,584 --> 00:06:18,086
- Can we build a home theater?
- No.
109
00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:19,879
Okay.
110
00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:21,923
Mindy, your turn.
111
00:06:27,762 --> 00:06:28,763
Martin...
112
00:06:29,555 --> 00:06:30,890
...before I met you,
113
00:06:30,973 --> 00:06:33,142
I never thought I'd settle down
with anyone.
114
00:06:33,643 --> 00:06:35,728
In fact, I'd gotten used to the idea.
115
00:06:36,521 --> 00:06:41,025
And then I saw a Pez dispenser
thumbing through a Hunger Games book.
116
00:06:41,109 --> 00:06:43,528
The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes.
117
00:06:43,611 --> 00:06:46,280
- Right.
- It's actually the prequel to the trilogy.
118
00:06:46,364 --> 00:06:47,657
Okay.
119
00:06:47,740 --> 00:06:50,868
I was planning to write a YA novel
of my own. I was doing some research.
120
00:06:50,952 --> 00:06:52,078
Martin.
121
00:06:52,578 --> 00:06:54,705
I didn't want them
to think I was some kinda weirdo.
122
00:06:54,789 --> 00:06:55,915
They don't think that.
123
00:06:57,458 --> 00:07:00,670
YA is "young adult."
Uh, it... it's the same as regular novels,
124
00:07:00,753 --> 00:07:03,464
only you're not having
to constantly Google what words mean.
125
00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:06,134
Martin... my turn.
126
00:07:06,217 --> 00:07:07,593
Sorry. Continue, please.
127
00:07:08,177 --> 00:07:11,389
And when I made a lame joke
about it and he laughed,
128
00:07:11,472 --> 00:07:14,016
I was suddenly struck
by how big a heart he had.
129
00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:17,311
I also knew he didn't have the courage
to ask me out.
130
00:07:17,395 --> 00:07:18,479
I did not.
131
00:07:18,563 --> 00:07:20,940
- So I asked him.
- She did.
132
00:07:21,524 --> 00:07:22,900
And here we are.
133
00:07:22,984 --> 00:07:25,862
I love you,
Martin Lester Schneider.
134
00:07:26,362 --> 00:07:28,448
And I vow to always care for you,
135
00:07:28,531 --> 00:07:29,824
fight for you,
136
00:07:29,907 --> 00:07:31,117
and laugh with you.
137
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:34,954
That's great. Now, who has the rings?
138
00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:45,381
Yes, all right. Martin, repeat after me.
139
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:46,591
With this ring...
140
00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:48,301
With this ring...
141
00:07:48,384 --> 00:07:50,011
I do thee wed.
142
00:07:50,094 --> 00:07:51,471
I do thee wed.
143
00:07:51,554 --> 00:07:53,639
Till death do us part.
144
00:07:53,723 --> 00:07:55,224
Till death do us part.
145
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:56,893
Which will most likely be me.
146
00:07:56,976 --> 00:07:58,352
Which will most... Hey.
147
00:07:58,436 --> 00:08:00,938
Sorry. It was just sitting there.
148
00:08:01,022 --> 00:08:02,231
Yeah.
149
00:08:02,940 --> 00:08:04,460
- Look at him.
- All right, Mindy...
150
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:06,084
Not like we'd be cutting his life short.
151
00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:07,278
Repeat after me.
152
00:08:07,904 --> 00:08:10,406
That's terrible.
How could you even think that?
153
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:13,409
He'll reincarnate into a baby body.
No harm, no foul.
154
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,053
- No. Forget it.
- With this ring...
155
00:08:15,077 --> 00:08:16,454
We wouldn't have to do a thing.
156
00:08:16,537 --> 00:08:18,039
- I know a guy.
- I thee wed...
157
00:08:18,122 --> 00:08:21,250
- What do you mean, you know a guy?
- A guy who knows a guy.
158
00:08:21,876 --> 00:08:24,378
I'm one guy removed from the guy
who knows a guy.
159
00:08:24,462 --> 00:08:26,482
- I'm guy-adjacent.
- ...till death do us part.
160
00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:31,844
Okay. By the power granted to me
by this phony-baloney Internet scam...
161
00:08:31,928 --> 00:08:36,224
...I now pronounce you husband and wife.
162
00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:38,434
You may kiss each other.
163
00:08:49,820 --> 00:08:53,199
If you stay in Arizona,
everything's gonna be fine.
164
00:08:57,161 --> 00:08:58,829
Hi. Hi!
165
00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:01,165
- You guys look amazing.
- Oh.
166
00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:03,084
- Oh, thank you.
- Sandy.
167
00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:06,879
- Are you all right?
- Get me out of here.
168
00:09:07,672 --> 00:09:08,589
Everything okay?
169
00:09:08,673 --> 00:09:11,592
- Oh, yeah. All good.
- We're gonna go make out.
170
00:09:11,676 --> 00:09:13,344
Uh, he's promised me a dry hump.
171
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,557
Let me get you some water.
172
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:20,393
Yes, please.
173
00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:23,229
Why don't you let me take you
to your doctor.
174
00:09:23,312 --> 00:09:25,481
No. No, no, no. I just... I need to rest.
175
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,567
- Roz, please.
- No!
176
00:09:28,192 --> 00:09:30,486
I am not going to miss Mindy's wedding.
177
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:31,737
Or fuck it up either.
178
00:09:31,821 --> 00:09:34,198
All right. All right.
179
00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:37,285
Oh, Jesus.
180
00:09:38,703 --> 00:09:40,121
I don't know which is worse.
181
00:09:40,621 --> 00:09:42,873
Leukemia or...
182
00:09:42,957 --> 00:09:44,542
...or the treatment for leukemia.
183
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:49,672
- Can we at least call the doctor?
- Yeah, all right. No. No. Now, listen.
184
00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:51,841
This is what's gonna happen.
185
00:09:52,675 --> 00:09:54,176
We're gonna go back in there.
186
00:09:55,094 --> 00:09:56,929
We're gonna greet the guests,
187
00:09:57,471 --> 00:09:59,390
eat the pumpkin ravioli,
188
00:10:00,558 --> 00:10:01,684
make a toast.
189
00:10:02,351 --> 00:10:04,854
You will dance with your daughter.
190
00:10:04,937 --> 00:10:08,691
I will dance with the Pez dispenser,
191
00:10:09,191 --> 00:10:14,363
and with any luck, I'll be drunk enough
to vomit all over his mother.
192
00:10:15,156 --> 00:10:16,324
You've thought this through.
193
00:10:16,407 --> 00:10:19,076
Oh, I'm a planner, honey.
That's what I do.
194
00:10:20,202 --> 00:10:21,202
All right.
195
00:10:21,871 --> 00:10:22,871
One moment.
196
00:10:27,710 --> 00:10:30,296
All right. Let's do this.
197
00:10:34,050 --> 00:10:35,551
Your puke will be orange.
198
00:10:36,177 --> 00:10:37,177
What?
199
00:10:37,553 --> 00:10:39,138
The pumpkin ravioli.
200
00:10:39,805 --> 00:10:41,724
Oh, yeah. Great.
201
00:11:01,911 --> 00:11:03,913
What are you doing up so early?
202
00:11:03,996 --> 00:11:06,123
Me? What about you?
203
00:11:06,791 --> 00:11:09,502
I got up to pee
for, like, the... the ninth time
204
00:11:09,585 --> 00:11:11,253
and decided that was enough.
205
00:11:11,754 --> 00:11:12,880
I give up.
206
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:15,549
Well, at least you got a little sleep.
207
00:11:15,633 --> 00:11:18,803
All night long
I've got nurses coming in here,
208
00:11:18,886 --> 00:11:22,431
taking my blood,
taking my pulse, taking my weight.
209
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:26,352
Who the fuck needs to know what I weigh
at four o'clock in the morning?
210
00:11:26,435 --> 00:11:29,397
What can I do for you?
211
00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:32,316
I saw a commercial last night
for your movie.
212
00:11:32,817 --> 00:11:34,443
It looks really good.
213
00:11:34,985 --> 00:11:36,487
You getting excited?
214
00:11:36,987 --> 00:11:40,074
Excited, nervous,
it's hard to tell the difference.
215
00:11:40,157 --> 00:11:42,284
Hey, you want some company a little later?
216
00:11:42,368 --> 00:11:44,870
Oh, that would be nice.
I think Mindy's coming.
217
00:11:44,954 --> 00:11:47,581
- Great.
- Would you bring me some edibles?
218
00:11:48,165 --> 00:11:49,959
Well, i... is that allowed?
219
00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:51,919
Do I give a shit?
220
00:11:53,254 --> 00:11:56,841
- Brownies, huh?
- Yeah, and lollipops.
221
00:11:56,924 --> 00:11:59,552
Okay. I'm your candy man.
222
00:12:01,846 --> 00:12:04,056
Hey, can I tell you a secret?
223
00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:06,350
Will I have to lie
on the witness stand?
224
00:12:06,434 --> 00:12:08,060
- No, no.
- Shoot.
225
00:12:08,644 --> 00:12:11,689
I've lived my life with a broken heart.
226
00:12:11,772 --> 00:12:13,482
I don't understand.
227
00:12:15,276 --> 00:12:19,447
When I was a kid, I didn't dream
about being an acting coach.
228
00:12:21,615 --> 00:12:22,615
My dream
229
00:12:23,159 --> 00:12:24,535
was to be an actor.
230
00:12:27,955 --> 00:12:29,665
When that didn't happen,
231
00:12:30,875 --> 00:12:34,462
I convinced myself that, uh,
teaching was what I was meant to do.
232
00:12:36,922 --> 00:12:41,218
That it was actually better than my, uh...
than my silly childhood dream.
233
00:12:41,302 --> 00:12:43,220
Are you looking
at the billboard again?
234
00:12:43,804 --> 00:12:45,890
- Yeah.
- Walk away, Sandy.
235
00:12:45,973 --> 00:12:49,393
- Why do I feel like crying?
- Walk away.
236
00:12:49,477 --> 00:12:51,187
This... this late in life, I just...
237
00:12:51,270 --> 00:12:53,731
I don't know
how to deal with a dream coming true.
238
00:12:53,814 --> 00:12:55,941
How about you just enjoy it?
239
00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:58,194
No, that doesn't sound right.
240
00:13:13,209 --> 00:13:15,669
He didn't give him the keys.
He had took the keys.
241
00:13:15,753 --> 00:13:18,380
Oh, come on.
It's been over a year.
242
00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:20,144
Your mother's been here
that long.
243
00:13:20,216 --> 00:13:21,860
My mother's ill.
244
00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:23,093
So is mine.
245
00:13:23,177 --> 00:13:26,180
My mother is in the hospital
fighting for her life.
246
00:13:26,263 --> 00:13:28,015
Mine will get there.
Give her time.
247
00:13:28,098 --> 00:13:29,683
Take care of it.
248
00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:34,230
Explain to me in my words.
249
00:13:34,313 --> 00:13:36,416
It's his responsibility. It's his car.
250
00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:39,026
But he's not the one
who crashed it, and he's not the one
251
00:13:39,109 --> 00:13:40,861
who told him to drive it. He had...
252
00:13:40,945 --> 00:13:42,655
- Mindy?
- What?
253
00:13:43,197 --> 00:13:46,700
If it's not inconvenient, could you stop
and get me some more Pringles?
254
00:13:46,784 --> 00:13:49,119
- Sure.
- The kind with jalapeño.
255
00:13:49,203 --> 00:13:50,204
Okay.
256
00:13:50,287 --> 00:13:52,832
- Not the wavy, the flat.
- Right.
257
00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:56,168
And if you're going to the hospital,
send my love to your mom.
258
00:13:57,044 --> 00:14:00,172
- I will.
- She's a real fighter. She'll beat this.
259
00:14:00,256 --> 00:14:03,259
- I hope so.
- Or she won't. Who knows?
260
00:14:04,468 --> 00:14:05,678
Goodbye, Estelle.
261
00:14:07,179 --> 00:14:08,848
- Mindy.
- What?
262
00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:11,183
Never mind. I don't want to be a bother.
263
00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:12,852
Tell me, Estelle.
264
00:14:13,435 --> 00:14:16,772
If the hospital's near a CVS,
could you pick me up some Dulcolax?
265
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:18,691
- Okay. Mm-hmm.
- The pink box.
266
00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:21,694
It's marketed as a stool softener
for pregnant ladies,
267
00:14:21,777 --> 00:14:23,445
but I find it to be very effective.
268
00:14:23,529 --> 00:14:24,529
I'll get it.
269
00:14:25,072 --> 00:14:26,699
My tushy thanks you in advance.
270
00:14:26,782 --> 00:14:27,782
Great.
271
00:14:29,910 --> 00:14:32,913
Nobody else was sober enough
to get into his car.
272
00:14:43,299 --> 00:14:44,592
How's it lookin'?
273
00:14:45,551 --> 00:14:46,551
Fine, I guess.
274
00:14:48,429 --> 00:14:49,680
You guess, or you know?
275
00:14:50,264 --> 00:14:51,473
All right. I know.
276
00:14:56,061 --> 00:14:57,396
As agreed.
277
00:15:01,108 --> 00:15:04,612
Fifty grand up front,
fifty when my inheritance comes through.
278
00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:08,239
As agreed.
279
00:15:23,005 --> 00:15:24,173
We're all set, Mom.
280
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:26,258
Yeah. It went real smooth.
281
00:15:27,217 --> 00:15:28,344
No. No problems.
282
00:15:28,844 --> 00:15:30,888
- You got the money?
- What?
283
00:15:30,971 --> 00:15:33,891
Don't fuck around with me, kid. The money.
284
00:15:35,893 --> 00:15:37,561
Mom, I'm gonna have to call you back.
285
00:15:40,064 --> 00:15:40,940
Where are you from?
286
00:15:41,023 --> 00:15:42,858
- Me? I'm from New York.
- Goodbye.
287
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:44,818
Go back to New York.
288
00:15:44,902 --> 00:15:47,505
- Where is the dog?
- The dog is at a friend's house.
289
00:15:47,529 --> 00:15:50,532
- Where was the dog three days ago?
- At a friend's house.
290
00:15:53,118 --> 00:15:55,579
Hey. You got a minute? Can we talk?
291
00:15:55,663 --> 00:15:57,247
I'm watching my judge show.
292
00:15:57,331 --> 00:16:00,292
All right. Just hit pause,
and then you won't miss anything.
293
00:16:00,376 --> 00:16:03,128
There. Yeah, right. Here, this one.
There you go.
294
00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:04,972
But you placed them there...
295
00:16:05,881 --> 00:16:06,881
Voilà.
296
00:16:06,924 --> 00:16:07,924
Okay.
297
00:16:08,550 --> 00:16:10,594
Okay? What?
298
00:16:10,678 --> 00:16:12,346
Well...
299
00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:20,646
You know the old Benjamin Franklin saying
about houseguests and fish?
300
00:16:22,439 --> 00:16:24,024
No. Tell me.
301
00:16:25,192 --> 00:16:27,277
Come on, Ma. Please.
302
00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:30,114
You want me to leave?
303
00:16:30,197 --> 00:16:32,282
No. No. Not...
304
00:16:32,908 --> 00:16:34,576
Not me. Benjamin Franklin.
305
00:16:37,037 --> 00:16:38,789
Okay. Fine.
306
00:16:42,418 --> 00:16:45,212
I know when I'm not wanted.
307
00:16:45,963 --> 00:16:46,797
Do ya?
308
00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:49,258
I gotta tell you, Martin,
I'm a little hurt.
309
00:16:50,259 --> 00:16:53,762
The only reason why I stayed this long
was to take a load off your wife
310
00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:56,724
so she can focus
on her poor, dying mother.
311
00:16:56,807 --> 00:16:58,976
And she very much appreciates it.
312
00:17:00,352 --> 00:17:02,688
- Does she?
- Where are you going? You're leaving now?
313
00:17:02,771 --> 00:17:05,149
I'm going to bring in the garbage cans.
314
00:17:05,232 --> 00:17:07,526
Don't. Don't. No, no, no.
Stop. I can do that.
315
00:17:07,609 --> 00:17:10,696
They've been out there for two days,
so clearly, you can't.
316
00:17:17,327 --> 00:17:18,328
Hi. It's me.
317
00:17:18,412 --> 00:17:20,205
Okay. I just did.
318
00:17:20,789 --> 00:17:22,958
I did. I just did. I did now.
319
00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:25,002
Yes. She's leaving.
320
00:17:25,627 --> 00:17:26,627
Hmm?
321
00:17:26,962 --> 00:17:29,381
I... I... I don't know when, Mindy.
322
00:17:29,465 --> 00:17:30,465
Soon.
323
00:17:31,175 --> 00:17:32,801
We didn't... Soon. She...
324
00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:35,763
What do you want from me? I...
325
00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:39,099
I... Let me call you back.
I'm gonna call you back.
326
00:17:42,978 --> 00:17:43,812
What?
327
00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:45,576
I think you got a dead person
on your lawn.
328
00:17:46,523 --> 00:17:47,691
What?
329
00:17:48,358 --> 00:17:52,613
Oh! Oh! Oh! Ma!
Oh! Ma! Oh, oh, oh, oh!
330
00:17:52,696 --> 00:17:54,632
- Call an ambulance!
- I don't have a phone.
331
00:17:54,656 --> 00:17:57,034
- What? Who doesn't have a phone?
- Me.
332
00:17:57,618 --> 00:17:59,328
Okay. Just stay with her.
333
00:18:00,329 --> 00:18:01,747
Oh. Oh.
334
00:18:03,332 --> 00:18:05,560
- Nine-one-one, please hold.
- What...
335
00:18:05,584 --> 00:18:08,921
- Are you kidding me?
- ...in the order it was received.
336
00:18:12,049 --> 00:18:13,592
Pretty sure she's dead!
337
00:18:13,675 --> 00:18:15,511
Okay.
338
00:18:15,594 --> 00:18:17,679
All right, Ma. Okay.
You're gonna be okay.
339
00:18:17,763 --> 00:18:19,473
- Okay, come on. Help me out.
- Nope.
340
00:18:19,556 --> 00:18:21,767
- Could you just grab... grab a leg?
- No way.
341
00:18:21,850 --> 00:18:23,435
- Oh, fuck you.
- Fuck you right back.
342
00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:24,645
No. Fuck you!
343
00:18:24,728 --> 00:18:27,439
Okay, Ma. Okay. Here we go. Here we go.
344
00:18:27,523 --> 00:18:29,399
There you... All right. Oh! Oh, boy.
345
00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:31,860
Okay. Come on. Come on, help me out.
Sit up. Just sit up.
346
00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:35,447
Here we go. All right.
Ooh, I got you. I got you. I got you.
347
00:18:35,531 --> 00:18:36,782
Oh, oh, oh. I got you.
348
00:18:36,865 --> 00:18:38,784
Oh, I don't got you.
349
00:18:41,036 --> 00:18:42,621
Can you at least open the door?
350
00:18:43,455 --> 00:18:44,706
Cool car.
351
00:18:47,334 --> 00:18:50,212
All right, we gotta get...
There we go. Watch your head. Whoa.
352
00:18:50,295 --> 00:18:53,132
Okay. Whoa! Didn't... didn't mean to touch
your bosom there. Pardon me.
353
00:18:54,550 --> 00:18:57,261
Okay. Okay. Okay.
354
00:19:07,104 --> 00:19:10,149
♪ Who can take a sunrise ♪
355
00:19:10,232 --> 00:19:12,568
♪ Sprinkle it with dew? ♪
356
00:19:13,068 --> 00:19:15,320
♪ Cover it with chocolate ♪
357
00:19:15,946 --> 00:19:18,782
♪ And a miracle or two ♪
358
00:19:18,866 --> 00:19:20,826
♪ The candy man can ♪
359
00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:32,504
No.
360
00:19:34,631 --> 00:19:36,258
We just talked.
361
00:19:38,510 --> 00:19:39,595
I got her some, uh...
362
00:19:42,806 --> 00:19:44,433
Goddamn it.
363
00:19:45,142 --> 00:19:48,604
Honey...
364
00:20:12,669 --> 00:20:15,923
The Emmy for Outstanding Lead Actor
in a Limited Series or Movie...
365
00:20:16,006 --> 00:20:18,675
Duckie!
366
00:20:18,759 --> 00:20:24,223
Breezing past 50 with a prostate the size
of a cantaloupe, but sure, Duckie.
367
00:20:24,306 --> 00:20:26,975
- Alan Harper!
- Calm down, Chuck.
368
00:20:29,603 --> 00:20:30,687
So, as I was saying,
369
00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:34,775
the Emmy for Outstanding Lead Actor
in a Limited Series or Movie
370
00:20:34,858 --> 00:20:36,109
goes to...
371
00:20:43,951 --> 00:20:45,619
Sandy Kominsky, The Old Man and the Sea.
372
00:20:48,580 --> 00:20:51,250
Holy shit! Holy shit!
373
00:20:53,418 --> 00:20:55,128
Yeah!
374
00:20:55,212 --> 00:20:56,212
All right!
375
00:20:58,882 --> 00:21:00,968
I fucked that guy.
376
00:21:04,805 --> 00:21:07,182
- Hey, thank you, Jon.
- Congratulations, man.
377
00:21:07,266 --> 00:21:09,106
Hey, thank you. Thank you.
378
00:21:10,060 --> 00:21:11,478
I, um...
379
00:21:15,816 --> 00:21:17,651
I don't know what to say.
380
00:21:20,070 --> 00:21:22,155
Uh...
381
00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:26,868
First, I gotta thank Barry Levinson, uh,
382
00:21:27,536 --> 00:21:28,912
for his faith in me.
383
00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:32,040
I am forever grateful.
384
00:21:33,250 --> 00:21:36,545
It's crazy, crazy what he did,
giving me this shot.
385
00:21:38,338 --> 00:21:39,338
And, um,
386
00:21:41,008 --> 00:21:43,218
I gotta thank Norman Newlander.
387
00:21:44,177 --> 00:21:45,679
I wish you were here with me.
388
00:21:47,389 --> 00:21:48,765
Ah, maybe you are.
389
00:21:50,183 --> 00:21:51,518
Yeah, you are.
390
00:21:52,936 --> 00:21:54,563
And, uh...
391
00:21:55,022 --> 00:21:56,857
...to my daughter Mindy...
392
00:21:56,940 --> 00:21:59,151
...honey,
look what Daddy did, huh?
393
00:21:59,860 --> 00:22:00,861
I'm not a fraud.
394
00:22:04,031 --> 00:22:05,532
And to my students...
395
00:22:07,451 --> 00:22:10,203
...thank you for your endless optimism,
396
00:22:10,912 --> 00:22:12,873
your relentless ambition.
397
00:22:14,416 --> 00:22:17,419
It's what's kept me going all these years.
398
00:22:18,795 --> 00:22:21,048
I'll see you soon, and I love you all.
399
00:22:24,426 --> 00:22:26,970
And, uh, finally,
400
00:22:28,180 --> 00:22:30,265
I want to thank my ex-wife, uh,
401
00:22:30,349 --> 00:22:33,226
my first ex-wife, to be honest.
402
00:22:33,810 --> 00:22:35,729
Dr. Roz Volander.
403
00:22:37,147 --> 00:22:41,193
Many, many years ago,
she believed in a bartender
404
00:22:41,902 --> 00:22:43,362
with big dreams.
405
00:22:44,988 --> 00:22:45,988
So,
406
00:22:46,865 --> 00:22:48,825
I'd like to dedicate this to her.
407
00:22:50,911 --> 00:22:53,288
Roz, honey,
408
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:56,625
I wish I'd been better.
409
00:22:59,586 --> 00:23:00,921
Thank you. Thank you all.
410
00:23:09,388 --> 00:23:11,515
- Congratulations.
- Oh, you too.
411
00:23:31,993 --> 00:23:34,788
All right. Let's get to work.
29850
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