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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:20,061 --> 00:00:22,105 Mindy, you have to understand, 2 00:00:22,188 --> 00:00:28,111 in my generation, body-shaming was just a way we would kid around 3 00:00:28,194 --> 00:00:29,237 with each other. 4 00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:32,032 You know, you'd see a guy with big ears, and you'd say, 5 00:00:32,115 --> 00:00:34,075 "Hey, Dumbo, where's your feather?" 6 00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:36,286 And no one ever got offended. 7 00:00:36,369 --> 00:00:39,581 It was just considered good-natured joshing. 8 00:00:39,664 --> 00:00:40,540 All righty. 9 00:00:40,623 --> 00:00:44,044 As a matter of fact, Dumbo might have a clever retort like, 10 00:00:44,127 --> 00:00:46,767 "Careful I don't fly overhead and take a big elephant dump on you." 11 00:00:46,838 --> 00:00:50,300 - Okay. You... you made your point. - Hang on. Take it easy. 12 00:00:50,383 --> 00:00:51,383 All right. 13 00:00:52,635 --> 00:00:55,805 When I was growing up, I had a girlfriend named Sissy, 14 00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:57,307 and she had a glass eye. 15 00:00:58,349 --> 00:01:01,978 So, naturally, everyone called her Sissy Cyclops, 16 00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:03,229 to her face. 17 00:01:03,313 --> 00:01:04,439 She didn't mind. 18 00:01:04,522 --> 00:01:08,735 After school, I would say, "See you around, Sissy Cyclops." 19 00:01:08,818 --> 00:01:12,280 And she would say, "I'll keep an eye out for you." 20 00:01:12,363 --> 00:01:13,198 Terrific. 21 00:01:13,281 --> 00:01:19,079 Now, where I went wrong was to forget how sensitive your generation is. 22 00:01:19,579 --> 00:01:22,207 None of you ever lost a soccer game 23 00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:25,376 or a brother in Korea. 24 00:01:25,460 --> 00:01:28,880 I'm confused. Is this supposed to be an apology? 25 00:01:28,963 --> 00:01:31,800 Yes. Yes, it... it is. 26 00:01:31,883 --> 00:01:33,343 Uh, and now it's my turn. 27 00:01:33,426 --> 00:01:36,429 Mindy, sweetie, I... I... I love you, 28 00:01:36,513 --> 00:01:40,517 a... and the last thing in the world I'd want to do is hurt your feelings. 29 00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:42,769 And I'm not gonna let anybody else hurt them either. 30 00:01:45,438 --> 00:01:47,524 I don't... 31 00:01:47,607 --> 00:01:51,111 Please forgive me... ...for not saying something last night. 32 00:01:51,194 --> 00:01:55,115 I should have said something. I don't know why... I... I... I'm an idiot. 33 00:01:55,198 --> 00:01:58,076 I'm an idiot, and... and I don't deserve you. 34 00:02:01,329 --> 00:02:02,372 You really don't. 35 00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:04,957 So we're good? 36 00:02:05,834 --> 00:02:06,960 We're good. 37 00:02:07,877 --> 00:02:10,463 Martin said you're on the last train to Clarksville. 38 00:02:12,340 --> 00:02:13,466 Tough break. 39 00:02:15,635 --> 00:02:16,678 Why would you say that? 40 00:02:18,179 --> 00:02:20,348 What? Midnight train to Georgia? 41 00:02:20,431 --> 00:02:21,431 No. 42 00:02:21,766 --> 00:02:23,977 No. Nothing. 43 00:02:31,484 --> 00:02:33,153 Am I correct in assuming 44 00:02:33,236 --> 00:02:36,489 that Mindy's mother will be living with you for the foreseeable future? 45 00:02:36,573 --> 00:02:37,407 Yes. 46 00:02:37,490 --> 00:02:39,284 Oh, you'll be outnumbered. 47 00:02:39,367 --> 00:02:43,079 - Uh, I... I don't see it that way. - Really? You forget how to count? 48 00:02:44,956 --> 00:02:45,957 Okay, just... 49 00:02:58,553 --> 00:03:00,763 I'm gonna kill her. 50 00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:03,057 I swear to God, I'm gonna kill her. 51 00:03:03,141 --> 00:03:04,309 Not now, Mom. 52 00:03:04,934 --> 00:03:08,771 Well, I don't have long to live. What are they gonna do? Give me the chair? 53 00:03:08,855 --> 00:03:11,482 I think, in California, it's lethal injection. 54 00:03:11,566 --> 00:03:13,776 Oh my God. Stop it, both of you. 55 00:03:17,113 --> 00:03:19,908 Good afternoon and welcome. 56 00:03:21,117 --> 00:03:24,662 Thank you for joining us as we celebrate the union 57 00:03:24,746 --> 00:03:29,167 of Mindy Clarice Kominsky and Martin Lester Schneider. 58 00:03:29,250 --> 00:03:31,920 I am Dr. Roz Volander, 59 00:03:32,003 --> 00:03:37,008 and it is my great privilege, both as Mindy's mom 60 00:03:37,091 --> 00:03:43,139 and as an ordained minister of the Church of Universal Life, 61 00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:45,266 to perform this ceremony. 62 00:03:45,350 --> 00:03:46,851 Minister, schminister. 63 00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:50,188 Oh, I'd also like to welcome Martin's mom, 64 00:03:50,271 --> 00:03:51,522 Estelle. 65 00:03:51,606 --> 00:03:56,069 Estelle has come all the way from Scottsdale, Arizona. 66 00:03:56,152 --> 00:04:01,616 Estelle, from this day forth, our families are forever joined, 67 00:04:01,699 --> 00:04:06,496 bound together by the love of our children. 68 00:04:07,205 --> 00:04:08,081 My daughter, 69 00:04:08,164 --> 00:04:10,083 in the prime of her life, 70 00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:11,667 and your son, 71 00:04:11,709 --> 00:04:13,962 in his twilight years. 72 00:04:15,964 --> 00:04:17,715 Uh, Mindy, Martin, 73 00:04:17,799 --> 00:04:20,551 the vows you are about to take 74 00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:24,305 are sacred vows. 75 00:04:24,389 --> 00:04:28,601 They have to be entered into without doubt or hesitation. 76 00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:30,895 They have to be the expression 77 00:04:30,979 --> 00:04:33,690 of your deepest, your most heartfelt 78 00:04:34,357 --> 00:04:37,068 feelings of love for one another. 79 00:04:37,151 --> 00:04:39,070 Are you prepared to do that? 80 00:04:39,153 --> 00:04:40,153 Yes. 81 00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:42,323 Twilight years? 82 00:04:44,492 --> 00:04:45,702 Yes. 83 00:04:47,245 --> 00:04:50,123 - Martin, why don't you start? - All righty. 84 00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:53,126 I had to... write it down. 85 00:04:58,548 --> 00:04:59,548 Mindy, 86 00:05:00,341 --> 00:05:02,176 ever since we first met, 87 00:05:02,802 --> 00:05:06,723 I knew you were the one I had been searching for all my life. 88 00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:11,477 I remember we were at a bookstore standing next to each other 89 00:05:11,561 --> 00:05:13,646 in the... the young adult section. 90 00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:16,524 That's... that's another story for another time. 91 00:05:16,607 --> 00:05:19,777 Uh, when I noticed you were staring at me, 92 00:05:20,361 --> 00:05:21,612 I got a little flustered, 93 00:05:21,696 --> 00:05:24,907 and I asked if everything was okay. 94 00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:27,994 And you said I looked like a Pez dispenser, 95 00:05:28,077 --> 00:05:29,579 and if you pulled on my ponytail, 96 00:05:29,662 --> 00:05:32,498 a little piece of candy would pop out my mouth. 97 00:05:33,833 --> 00:05:35,835 Needless to say, I... I laughed. 98 00:05:35,918 --> 00:05:40,256 And that's when I realized it had been so long since I laughed. 99 00:05:40,882 --> 00:05:42,717 And I knew. I knew right then. 100 00:05:43,801 --> 00:05:44,801 Mindy, 101 00:05:46,471 --> 00:05:48,848 you are the most important woman in my life. 102 00:05:56,147 --> 00:05:58,775 You're the most important woman in my life, 103 00:05:58,858 --> 00:06:00,943 and I want to share my life with you. 104 00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:06,783 And... and I vow to... to be your friend and... and lover and... and protector 105 00:06:06,866 --> 00:06:11,371 for as long as God gives me life. 106 00:06:12,747 --> 00:06:13,747 I love you. 107 00:06:14,499 --> 00:06:15,541 I love you too. 108 00:06:16,584 --> 00:06:18,086 - Can we build a home theater? - No. 109 00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:19,879 Okay. 110 00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:21,923 Mindy, your turn. 111 00:06:27,762 --> 00:06:28,763 Martin... 112 00:06:29,555 --> 00:06:30,890 ...before I met you, 113 00:06:30,973 --> 00:06:33,142 I never thought I'd settle down with anyone. 114 00:06:33,643 --> 00:06:35,728 In fact, I'd gotten used to the idea. 115 00:06:36,521 --> 00:06:41,025 And then I saw a Pez dispenser thumbing through a Hunger Games book. 116 00:06:41,109 --> 00:06:43,528 The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes. 117 00:06:43,611 --> 00:06:46,280 - Right. - It's actually the prequel to the trilogy. 118 00:06:46,364 --> 00:06:47,657 Okay. 119 00:06:47,740 --> 00:06:50,868 I was planning to write a YA novel of my own. I was doing some research. 120 00:06:50,952 --> 00:06:52,078 Martin. 121 00:06:52,578 --> 00:06:54,705 I didn't want them to think I was some kinda weirdo. 122 00:06:54,789 --> 00:06:55,915 They don't think that. 123 00:06:57,458 --> 00:07:00,670 YA is "young adult." Uh, it... it's the same as regular novels, 124 00:07:00,753 --> 00:07:03,464 only you're not having to constantly Google what words mean. 125 00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:06,134 Martin... my turn. 126 00:07:06,217 --> 00:07:07,593 Sorry. Continue, please. 127 00:07:08,177 --> 00:07:11,389 And when I made a lame joke about it and he laughed, 128 00:07:11,472 --> 00:07:14,016 I was suddenly struck by how big a heart he had. 129 00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:17,311 I also knew he didn't have the courage to ask me out. 130 00:07:17,395 --> 00:07:18,479 I did not. 131 00:07:18,563 --> 00:07:20,940 - So I asked him. - She did. 132 00:07:21,524 --> 00:07:22,900 And here we are. 133 00:07:22,984 --> 00:07:25,862 I love you, Martin Lester Schneider. 134 00:07:26,362 --> 00:07:28,448 And I vow to always care for you, 135 00:07:28,531 --> 00:07:29,824 fight for you, 136 00:07:29,907 --> 00:07:31,117 and laugh with you. 137 00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:34,954 That's great. Now, who has the rings? 138 00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:45,381 Yes, all right. Martin, repeat after me. 139 00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:46,591 With this ring... 140 00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:48,301 With this ring... 141 00:07:48,384 --> 00:07:50,011 I do thee wed. 142 00:07:50,094 --> 00:07:51,471 I do thee wed. 143 00:07:51,554 --> 00:07:53,639 Till death do us part. 144 00:07:53,723 --> 00:07:55,224 Till death do us part. 145 00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:56,893 Which will most likely be me. 146 00:07:56,976 --> 00:07:58,352 Which will most... Hey. 147 00:07:58,436 --> 00:08:00,938 Sorry. It was just sitting there. 148 00:08:01,022 --> 00:08:02,231 Yeah. 149 00:08:02,940 --> 00:08:04,460 - Look at him. - All right, Mindy... 150 00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:06,084 Not like we'd be cutting his life short. 151 00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:07,278 Repeat after me. 152 00:08:07,904 --> 00:08:10,406 That's terrible. How could you even think that? 153 00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:13,409 He'll reincarnate into a baby body. No harm, no foul. 154 00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,053 - No. Forget it. - With this ring... 155 00:08:15,077 --> 00:08:16,454 We wouldn't have to do a thing. 156 00:08:16,537 --> 00:08:18,039 - I know a guy. - I thee wed... 157 00:08:18,122 --> 00:08:21,250 - What do you mean, you know a guy? - A guy who knows a guy. 158 00:08:21,876 --> 00:08:24,378 I'm one guy removed from the guy who knows a guy. 159 00:08:24,462 --> 00:08:26,482 - I'm guy-adjacent. - ...till death do us part. 160 00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:31,844 Okay. By the power granted to me by this phony-baloney Internet scam... 161 00:08:31,928 --> 00:08:36,224 ...I now pronounce you husband and wife. 162 00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:38,434 You may kiss each other. 163 00:08:49,820 --> 00:08:53,199 If you stay in Arizona, everything's gonna be fine. 164 00:08:57,161 --> 00:08:58,829 Hi. Hi! 165 00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:01,165 - You guys look amazing. - Oh. 166 00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:03,084 - Oh, thank you. - Sandy. 167 00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:06,879 - Are you all right? - Get me out of here. 168 00:09:07,672 --> 00:09:08,589 Everything okay? 169 00:09:08,673 --> 00:09:11,592 - Oh, yeah. All good. - We're gonna go make out. 170 00:09:11,676 --> 00:09:13,344 Uh, he's promised me a dry hump. 171 00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,557 Let me get you some water. 172 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:20,393 Yes, please. 173 00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:23,229 Why don't you let me take you to your doctor. 174 00:09:23,312 --> 00:09:25,481 No. No, no, no. I just... I need to rest. 175 00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,567 - Roz, please. - No! 176 00:09:28,192 --> 00:09:30,486 I am not going to miss Mindy's wedding. 177 00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:31,737 Or fuck it up either. 178 00:09:31,821 --> 00:09:34,198 All right. All right. 179 00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:37,285 Oh, Jesus. 180 00:09:38,703 --> 00:09:40,121 I don't know which is worse. 181 00:09:40,621 --> 00:09:42,873 Leukemia or... 182 00:09:42,957 --> 00:09:44,542 ...or the treatment for leukemia. 183 00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:49,672 - Can we at least call the doctor? - Yeah, all right. No. No. Now, listen. 184 00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:51,841 This is what's gonna happen. 185 00:09:52,675 --> 00:09:54,176 We're gonna go back in there. 186 00:09:55,094 --> 00:09:56,929 We're gonna greet the guests, 187 00:09:57,471 --> 00:09:59,390 eat the pumpkin ravioli, 188 00:10:00,558 --> 00:10:01,684 make a toast. 189 00:10:02,351 --> 00:10:04,854 You will dance with your daughter. 190 00:10:04,937 --> 00:10:08,691 I will dance with the Pez dispenser, 191 00:10:09,191 --> 00:10:14,363 and with any luck, I'll be drunk enough to vomit all over his mother. 192 00:10:15,156 --> 00:10:16,324 You've thought this through. 193 00:10:16,407 --> 00:10:19,076 Oh, I'm a planner, honey. That's what I do. 194 00:10:20,202 --> 00:10:21,202 All right. 195 00:10:21,871 --> 00:10:22,871 One moment. 196 00:10:27,710 --> 00:10:30,296 All right. Let's do this. 197 00:10:34,050 --> 00:10:35,551 Your puke will be orange. 198 00:10:36,177 --> 00:10:37,177 What? 199 00:10:37,553 --> 00:10:39,138 The pumpkin ravioli. 200 00:10:39,805 --> 00:10:41,724 Oh, yeah. Great. 201 00:11:01,911 --> 00:11:03,913 What are you doing up so early? 202 00:11:03,996 --> 00:11:06,123 Me? What about you? 203 00:11:06,791 --> 00:11:09,502 I got up to pee for, like, the... the ninth time 204 00:11:09,585 --> 00:11:11,253 and decided that was enough. 205 00:11:11,754 --> 00:11:12,880 I give up. 206 00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:15,549 Well, at least you got a little sleep. 207 00:11:15,633 --> 00:11:18,803 All night long I've got nurses coming in here, 208 00:11:18,886 --> 00:11:22,431 taking my blood, taking my pulse, taking my weight. 209 00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:26,352 Who the fuck needs to know what I weigh at four o'clock in the morning? 210 00:11:26,435 --> 00:11:29,397 What can I do for you? 211 00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:32,316 I saw a commercial last night for your movie. 212 00:11:32,817 --> 00:11:34,443 It looks really good. 213 00:11:34,985 --> 00:11:36,487 You getting excited? 214 00:11:36,987 --> 00:11:40,074 Excited, nervous, it's hard to tell the difference. 215 00:11:40,157 --> 00:11:42,284 Hey, you want some company a little later? 216 00:11:42,368 --> 00:11:44,870 Oh, that would be nice. I think Mindy's coming. 217 00:11:44,954 --> 00:11:47,581 - Great. - Would you bring me some edibles? 218 00:11:48,165 --> 00:11:49,959 Well, i... is that allowed? 219 00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:51,919 Do I give a shit? 220 00:11:53,254 --> 00:11:56,841 - Brownies, huh? - Yeah, and lollipops. 221 00:11:56,924 --> 00:11:59,552 Okay. I'm your candy man. 222 00:12:01,846 --> 00:12:04,056 Hey, can I tell you a secret? 223 00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:06,350 Will I have to lie on the witness stand? 224 00:12:06,434 --> 00:12:08,060 - No, no. - Shoot. 225 00:12:08,644 --> 00:12:11,689 I've lived my life with a broken heart. 226 00:12:11,772 --> 00:12:13,482 I don't understand. 227 00:12:15,276 --> 00:12:19,447 When I was a kid, I didn't dream about being an acting coach. 228 00:12:21,615 --> 00:12:22,615 My dream 229 00:12:23,159 --> 00:12:24,535 was to be an actor. 230 00:12:27,955 --> 00:12:29,665 When that didn't happen, 231 00:12:30,875 --> 00:12:34,462 I convinced myself that, uh, teaching was what I was meant to do. 232 00:12:36,922 --> 00:12:41,218 That it was actually better than my, uh... than my silly childhood dream. 233 00:12:41,302 --> 00:12:43,220 Are you looking at the billboard again? 234 00:12:43,804 --> 00:12:45,890 - Yeah. - Walk away, Sandy. 235 00:12:45,973 --> 00:12:49,393 - Why do I feel like crying? - Walk away. 236 00:12:49,477 --> 00:12:51,187 This... this late in life, I just... 237 00:12:51,270 --> 00:12:53,731 I don't know how to deal with a dream coming true. 238 00:12:53,814 --> 00:12:55,941 How about you just enjoy it? 239 00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:58,194 No, that doesn't sound right. 240 00:13:13,209 --> 00:13:15,669 He didn't give him the keys. He had took the keys. 241 00:13:15,753 --> 00:13:18,380 Oh, come on. It's been over a year. 242 00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:20,144 Your mother's been here that long. 243 00:13:20,216 --> 00:13:21,860 My mother's ill. 244 00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:23,093 So is mine. 245 00:13:23,177 --> 00:13:26,180 My mother is in the hospital fighting for her life. 246 00:13:26,263 --> 00:13:28,015 Mine will get there. Give her time. 247 00:13:28,098 --> 00:13:29,683 Take care of it. 248 00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:34,230 Explain to me in my words. 249 00:13:34,313 --> 00:13:36,416 It's his responsibility. It's his car. 250 00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:39,026 But he's not the one who crashed it, and he's not the one 251 00:13:39,109 --> 00:13:40,861 who told him to drive it. He had... 252 00:13:40,945 --> 00:13:42,655 - Mindy? - What? 253 00:13:43,197 --> 00:13:46,700 If it's not inconvenient, could you stop and get me some more Pringles? 254 00:13:46,784 --> 00:13:49,119 - Sure. - The kind with jalapeño. 255 00:13:49,203 --> 00:13:50,204 Okay. 256 00:13:50,287 --> 00:13:52,832 - Not the wavy, the flat. - Right. 257 00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:56,168 And if you're going to the hospital, send my love to your mom. 258 00:13:57,044 --> 00:14:00,172 - I will. - She's a real fighter. She'll beat this. 259 00:14:00,256 --> 00:14:03,259 - I hope so. - Or she won't. Who knows? 260 00:14:04,468 --> 00:14:05,678 Goodbye, Estelle. 261 00:14:07,179 --> 00:14:08,848 - Mindy. - What? 262 00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:11,183 Never mind. I don't want to be a bother. 263 00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:12,852 Tell me, Estelle. 264 00:14:13,435 --> 00:14:16,772 If the hospital's near a CVS, could you pick me up some Dulcolax? 265 00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:18,691 - Okay. Mm-hmm. - The pink box. 266 00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:21,694 It's marketed as a stool softener for pregnant ladies, 267 00:14:21,777 --> 00:14:23,445 but I find it to be very effective. 268 00:14:23,529 --> 00:14:24,529 I'll get it. 269 00:14:25,072 --> 00:14:26,699 My tushy thanks you in advance. 270 00:14:26,782 --> 00:14:27,782 Great. 271 00:14:29,910 --> 00:14:32,913 Nobody else was sober enough to get into his car. 272 00:14:43,299 --> 00:14:44,592 How's it lookin'? 273 00:14:45,551 --> 00:14:46,551 Fine, I guess. 274 00:14:48,429 --> 00:14:49,680 You guess, or you know? 275 00:14:50,264 --> 00:14:51,473 All right. I know. 276 00:14:56,061 --> 00:14:57,396 As agreed. 277 00:15:01,108 --> 00:15:04,612 Fifty grand up front, fifty when my inheritance comes through. 278 00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:08,239 As agreed. 279 00:15:23,005 --> 00:15:24,173 We're all set, Mom. 280 00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:26,258 Yeah. It went real smooth. 281 00:15:27,217 --> 00:15:28,344 No. No problems. 282 00:15:28,844 --> 00:15:30,888 - You got the money? - What? 283 00:15:30,971 --> 00:15:33,891 Don't fuck around with me, kid. The money. 284 00:15:35,893 --> 00:15:37,561 Mom, I'm gonna have to call you back. 285 00:15:40,064 --> 00:15:40,940 Where are you from? 286 00:15:41,023 --> 00:15:42,858 - Me? I'm from New York. - Goodbye. 287 00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:44,818 Go back to New York. 288 00:15:44,902 --> 00:15:47,505 - Where is the dog? - The dog is at a friend's house. 289 00:15:47,529 --> 00:15:50,532 - Where was the dog three days ago? - At a friend's house. 290 00:15:53,118 --> 00:15:55,579 Hey. You got a minute? Can we talk? 291 00:15:55,663 --> 00:15:57,247 I'm watching my judge show. 292 00:15:57,331 --> 00:16:00,292 All right. Just hit pause, and then you won't miss anything. 293 00:16:00,376 --> 00:16:03,128 There. Yeah, right. Here, this one. There you go. 294 00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:04,972 But you placed them there... 295 00:16:05,881 --> 00:16:06,881 Voilà. 296 00:16:06,924 --> 00:16:07,924 Okay. 297 00:16:08,550 --> 00:16:10,594 Okay? What? 298 00:16:10,678 --> 00:16:12,346 Well... 299 00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:20,646 You know the old Benjamin Franklin saying about houseguests and fish? 300 00:16:22,439 --> 00:16:24,024 No. Tell me. 301 00:16:25,192 --> 00:16:27,277 Come on, Ma. Please. 302 00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:30,114 You want me to leave? 303 00:16:30,197 --> 00:16:32,282 No. No. Not... 304 00:16:32,908 --> 00:16:34,576 Not me. Benjamin Franklin. 305 00:16:37,037 --> 00:16:38,789 Okay. Fine. 306 00:16:42,418 --> 00:16:45,212 I know when I'm not wanted. 307 00:16:45,963 --> 00:16:46,797 Do ya? 308 00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:49,258 I gotta tell you, Martin, I'm a little hurt. 309 00:16:50,259 --> 00:16:53,762 The only reason why I stayed this long was to take a load off your wife 310 00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:56,724 so she can focus on her poor, dying mother. 311 00:16:56,807 --> 00:16:58,976 And she very much appreciates it. 312 00:17:00,352 --> 00:17:02,688 - Does she? - Where are you going? You're leaving now? 313 00:17:02,771 --> 00:17:05,149 I'm going to bring in the garbage cans. 314 00:17:05,232 --> 00:17:07,526 Don't. Don't. No, no, no. Stop. I can do that. 315 00:17:07,609 --> 00:17:10,696 They've been out there for two days, so clearly, you can't. 316 00:17:17,327 --> 00:17:18,328 Hi. It's me. 317 00:17:18,412 --> 00:17:20,205 Okay. I just did. 318 00:17:20,789 --> 00:17:22,958 I did. I just did. I did now. 319 00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:25,002 Yes. She's leaving. 320 00:17:25,627 --> 00:17:26,627 Hmm? 321 00:17:26,962 --> 00:17:29,381 I... I... I don't know when, Mindy. 322 00:17:29,465 --> 00:17:30,465 Soon. 323 00:17:31,175 --> 00:17:32,801 We didn't... Soon. She... 324 00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:35,763 What do you want from me? I... 325 00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:39,099 I... Let me call you back. I'm gonna call you back. 326 00:17:42,978 --> 00:17:43,812 What? 327 00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:45,576 I think you got a dead person on your lawn. 328 00:17:46,523 --> 00:17:47,691 What? 329 00:17:48,358 --> 00:17:52,613 Oh! Oh! Oh! Ma! Oh! Ma! Oh, oh, oh, oh! 330 00:17:52,696 --> 00:17:54,632 - Call an ambulance! - I don't have a phone. 331 00:17:54,656 --> 00:17:57,034 - What? Who doesn't have a phone? - Me. 332 00:17:57,618 --> 00:17:59,328 Okay. Just stay with her. 333 00:18:00,329 --> 00:18:01,747 Oh. Oh. 334 00:18:03,332 --> 00:18:05,560 - Nine-one-one, please hold. - What... 335 00:18:05,584 --> 00:18:08,921 - Are you kidding me? - ...in the order it was received. 336 00:18:12,049 --> 00:18:13,592 Pretty sure she's dead! 337 00:18:13,675 --> 00:18:15,511 Okay. 338 00:18:15,594 --> 00:18:17,679 All right, Ma. Okay. You're gonna be okay. 339 00:18:17,763 --> 00:18:19,473 - Okay, come on. Help me out. - Nope. 340 00:18:19,556 --> 00:18:21,767 - Could you just grab... grab a leg? - No way. 341 00:18:21,850 --> 00:18:23,435 - Oh, fuck you. - Fuck you right back. 342 00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:24,645 No. Fuck you! 343 00:18:24,728 --> 00:18:27,439 Okay, Ma. Okay. Here we go. Here we go. 344 00:18:27,523 --> 00:18:29,399 There you... All right. Oh! Oh, boy. 345 00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:31,860 Okay. Come on. Come on, help me out. Sit up. Just sit up. 346 00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:35,447 Here we go. All right. Ooh, I got you. I got you. I got you. 347 00:18:35,531 --> 00:18:36,782 Oh, oh, oh. I got you. 348 00:18:36,865 --> 00:18:38,784 Oh, I don't got you. 349 00:18:41,036 --> 00:18:42,621 Can you at least open the door? 350 00:18:43,455 --> 00:18:44,706 Cool car. 351 00:18:47,334 --> 00:18:50,212 All right, we gotta get... There we go. Watch your head. Whoa. 352 00:18:50,295 --> 00:18:53,132 Okay. Whoa! Didn't... didn't mean to touch your bosom there. Pardon me. 353 00:18:54,550 --> 00:18:57,261 Okay. Okay. Okay. 354 00:19:07,104 --> 00:19:10,149 ♪ Who can take a sunrise ♪ 355 00:19:10,232 --> 00:19:12,568 ♪ Sprinkle it with dew? ♪ 356 00:19:13,068 --> 00:19:15,320 ♪ Cover it with chocolate ♪ 357 00:19:15,946 --> 00:19:18,782 ♪ And a miracle or two ♪ 358 00:19:18,866 --> 00:19:20,826 ♪ The candy man can ♪ 359 00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:32,504 No. 360 00:19:34,631 --> 00:19:36,258 We just talked. 361 00:19:38,510 --> 00:19:39,595 I got her some, uh... 362 00:19:42,806 --> 00:19:44,433 Goddamn it. 363 00:19:45,142 --> 00:19:48,604 Honey... 364 00:20:12,669 --> 00:20:15,923 The Emmy for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Limited Series or Movie... 365 00:20:16,006 --> 00:20:18,675 Duckie! 366 00:20:18,759 --> 00:20:24,223 Breezing past 50 with a prostate the size of a cantaloupe, but sure, Duckie. 367 00:20:24,306 --> 00:20:26,975 - Alan Harper! - Calm down, Chuck. 368 00:20:29,603 --> 00:20:30,687 So, as I was saying, 369 00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:34,775 the Emmy for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Limited Series or Movie 370 00:20:34,858 --> 00:20:36,109 goes to... 371 00:20:43,951 --> 00:20:45,619 Sandy Kominsky, The Old Man and the Sea. 372 00:20:48,580 --> 00:20:51,250 Holy shit! Holy shit! 373 00:20:53,418 --> 00:20:55,128 Yeah! 374 00:20:55,212 --> 00:20:56,212 All right! 375 00:20:58,882 --> 00:21:00,968 I fucked that guy. 376 00:21:04,805 --> 00:21:07,182 - Hey, thank you, Jon. - Congratulations, man. 377 00:21:07,266 --> 00:21:09,106 Hey, thank you. Thank you. 378 00:21:10,060 --> 00:21:11,478 I, um... 379 00:21:15,816 --> 00:21:17,651 I don't know what to say. 380 00:21:20,070 --> 00:21:22,155 Uh... 381 00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:26,868 First, I gotta thank Barry Levinson, uh, 382 00:21:27,536 --> 00:21:28,912 for his faith in me. 383 00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:32,040 I am forever grateful. 384 00:21:33,250 --> 00:21:36,545 It's crazy, crazy what he did, giving me this shot. 385 00:21:38,338 --> 00:21:39,338 And, um, 386 00:21:41,008 --> 00:21:43,218 I gotta thank Norman Newlander. 387 00:21:44,177 --> 00:21:45,679 I wish you were here with me. 388 00:21:47,389 --> 00:21:48,765 Ah, maybe you are. 389 00:21:50,183 --> 00:21:51,518 Yeah, you are. 390 00:21:52,936 --> 00:21:54,563 And, uh... 391 00:21:55,022 --> 00:21:56,857 ...to my daughter Mindy... 392 00:21:56,940 --> 00:21:59,151 ...honey, look what Daddy did, huh? 393 00:21:59,860 --> 00:22:00,861 I'm not a fraud. 394 00:22:04,031 --> 00:22:05,532 And to my students... 395 00:22:07,451 --> 00:22:10,203 ...thank you for your endless optimism, 396 00:22:10,912 --> 00:22:12,873 your relentless ambition. 397 00:22:14,416 --> 00:22:17,419 It's what's kept me going all these years. 398 00:22:18,795 --> 00:22:21,048 I'll see you soon, and I love you all. 399 00:22:24,426 --> 00:22:26,970 And, uh, finally, 400 00:22:28,180 --> 00:22:30,265 I want to thank my ex-wife, uh, 401 00:22:30,349 --> 00:22:33,226 my first ex-wife, to be honest. 402 00:22:33,810 --> 00:22:35,729 Dr. Roz Volander. 403 00:22:37,147 --> 00:22:41,193 Many, many years ago, she believed in a bartender 404 00:22:41,902 --> 00:22:43,362 with big dreams. 405 00:22:44,988 --> 00:22:45,988 So, 406 00:22:46,865 --> 00:22:48,825 I'd like to dedicate this to her. 407 00:22:50,911 --> 00:22:53,288 Roz, honey, 408 00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:56,625 I wish I'd been better. 409 00:22:59,586 --> 00:23:00,921 Thank you. Thank you all. 410 00:23:09,388 --> 00:23:11,515 - Congratulations. - Oh, you too. 411 00:23:31,993 --> 00:23:34,788 All right. Let's get to work. 29850

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