Original subtitles

Mindy, you have to understand,

in my generation, body-shaming was just a way we would kid around

with each other.

You know, you'd see a guy with big ears, and you'd say,

"Hey, Dumbo, where's your feather?"

And no one ever got offended.

It was just considered good-natured joshing.

All righty.

As a matter of fact, Dumbo might have a clever retort like,

"Careful I don't fly overhead and take a big elephant dump on you."

- Okay. You... you made your point. - Hang on. Take it easy.

All right.

When I was growing up, I had a girlfriend named Sissy,

and she had a glass eye.

So, naturally, everyone called her Sissy Cyclops,

to her face.

She didn't mind.

After school, I would say, "See you around, Sissy Cyclops."

And she would say, "I'll keep an eye out for you."

Terrific.

Now, where I went wrong was to forget how sensitive your generation is.

None of you ever lost a soccer game

or a brother in Korea.

I'm confused. Is this supposed to be an apology?

Yes. Yes, it... it is.

Uh, and now it's my turn.

Mindy, sweetie, I... I... I love you,

a... and the last thing in the world I'd want to do is hurt your feelings.

And I'm not gonna let anybody else hurt them either.

I don't...

Please forgive me... ...for not saying something last night.

I should have said something. I don't know why... I... I... I'm an idiot.

I'm an idiot, and... and I don't deserve you.

You really don't.

So we're good?

We're good.

Martin said you're on the last train to Clarksville.

Tough break.

Why would you say that?

What? Midnight train to Georgia?

No.

No. Nothing.

Am I correct in assuming

that Mindy's mother will be living with you for the foreseeable future?

Yes.

Oh, you'll be outnumbered.

- Uh, I... I don't see it that way. - Really? You forget how to count?

Okay, just...

I'm gonna kill her.

I swear to God, I'm gonna kill her.

Not now, Mom.

Well, I don't have long to live. What are they gonna do? Give me the chair?

I think, in California, it's lethal injection.

Oh my God. Stop it, both of you.

Good afternoon and welcome.

Thank you for joining us as we celebrate the union

of Mindy Clarice Kominsky and Martin Lester Schneider.

I am Dr. Roz Volander,

and it is my great privilege, both as Mindy's mom

and as an ordained minister of the Church of Universal Life,

to perform this ceremony.

Minister, schminister.

Oh, I'd also like to welcome Martin's mom,

Estelle.

Estelle has come all the way from Scottsdale, Arizona.

Estelle, from this day forth, our families are forever joined,

bound together by the love of our children.

My daughter,

in the prime of her life,

and your son,

in his twilight years.

Uh, Mindy, Martin,

the vows you are about to take

are sacred vows.

They have to be entered into without doubt or hesitation.

They have to be the expression

of your deepest, your most heartfelt

feelings of love for one another.

Are you prepared to do that?

Yes.

Twilight years?

Yes.

- Martin, why don't you start? - All righty.

I had to... write it down.

Mindy,

ever since we first met,

I knew you were the one I had been searching for all my life.

I remember we were at a bookstore standing next to each other

in the... the young adult section.

That's... that's another story for another time.

Uh, when I noticed you were staring at me,

I got a little flustered,

and I asked if everything was okay.

And you said I looked like a Pez dispenser,

and if you pulled on my ponytail,

a little piece of candy would pop out my mouth.

Needless to say, I... I laughed.

And that's when I realized it had been so long since I laughed.

And I knew. I knew right then.

Mindy,

you are the most important woman in my life.

You're the most important woman in my life,

and I want to share my life with you.

And... and I vow to... to be your friend and... and lover and... and protector

for as long as God gives me life.

I love you.

I love you too.

- Can we build a home theater? - No.

Okay.

Mindy, your turn.

Martin...

...before I met you,

I never thought I'd settle down with anyone.

In fact, I'd gotten used to the idea.

And then I saw a Pez dispenser thumbing through a Hunger Games book.

The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes.

- Right. - It's actually the prequel to the trilogy.

Okay.

I was planning to write a YA novel of my own. I was doing some research.

Martin.

I didn't want them to think I was some kinda weirdo.

They don't think that.

YA is "young adult." Uh, it... it's the same as regular novels,

only you're not having to constantly Google what words mean.

Martin... my turn.

Sorry. Continue, please.

And when I made a lame joke about it and he laughed,

I was suddenly struck by how big a heart he had.

I also knew he didn't have the courage to ask me out.

I did not.

- So I asked him. - She did.

And here we are.

I love you, Martin Lester Schneider.

And I vow to always care for you,

fight for you,

and laugh with you.

That's great. Now, who has the rings?

Yes, all right. Martin, repeat after me.

With this ring...

With this ring...

I do thee wed.

I do thee wed.

Till death do us part.

Till death do us part.

Which will most likely be me.

Which will most... Hey.

Sorry. It was just sitting there.

Yeah.

- Look at him. - All right, Mindy...

Not like we'd be cutting his life short.

Repeat after me.

That's terrible. How could you even think that?

He'll reincarnate into a baby body. No harm, no foul.

- No. Forget it. - With this ring...

We wouldn't have to do a thing.

- I know a guy. - I thee wed...

- What do you mean, you know a guy? - A guy who knows a guy.

I'm one guy removed from the guy who knows a guy.

- I'm guy-adjacent. - ...till death do us part.

Okay. By the power granted to me by this phony-baloney Internet scam...

...I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss each other.

If you stay in Arizona, everything's gonna be fine.

Hi. Hi!

- You guys look amazing. - Oh.

- Oh, thank you. - Sandy.

- Are you all right? - Get me out of here.

Everything okay?

- Oh, yeah. All good. - We're gonna go make out.

Uh, he's promised me a dry hump.

Let me get you some water.

Yes, please.

Why don't you let me take you to your doctor.

No. No, no, no. I just... I need to rest.

- Roz, please. - No!

I am not going to miss Mindy's wedding.

Or fuck it up either.

All right. All right.

Oh, Jesus.

I don't know which is worse.

Leukemia or...

...or the treatment for leukemia.

- Can we at least call the doctor? - Yeah, all right. No. No. Now, listen.

This is what's gonna happen.

We're gonna go back in there.

We're gonna greet the guests,

eat the pumpkin ravioli,

make a toast.

You will dance with your daughter.

I will dance with the Pez dispenser,

and with any luck, I'll be drunk enough to vomit all over his mother.

You've thought this through.

Oh, I'm a planner, honey. That's what I do.

All right.

One moment.

All right. Let's do this.

Your puke will be orange.

What?

The pumpkin ravioli.

Oh, yeah. Great.

What are you doing up so early?

Me? What about you?

I got up to pee for, like, the... the ninth time

and decided that was enough.

I give up.

Well, at least you got a little sleep.

All night long I've got nurses coming in here,

taking my blood, taking my pulse, taking my weight.

Who the fuck needs to know what I weigh at four o'clock in the morning?

What can I do for you?

I saw a commercial last night for your movie.

It looks really good.

You getting excited?

Excited, nervous, it's hard to tell the difference.

Hey, you want some company a little later?

Oh, that would be nice. I think Mindy's coming.

- Great. - Would you bring me some edibles?

Well, i... is that allowed?

Do I give a shit?

- Brownies, huh? - Yeah, and lollipops.

Okay. I'm your candy man.

Hey, can I tell you a secret?

Will I have to lie on the witness stand?

- No, no. - Shoot.

I've lived my life with a broken heart.

I don't understand.

When I was a kid, I didn't dream about being an acting coach.

My dream

was to be an actor.

When that didn't happen,

I convinced myself that, uh, teaching was what I was meant to do.

That it was actually better than my, uh... than my silly childhood dream.

Are you looking at the billboard again?

- Yeah. - Walk away, Sandy.

- Why do I feel like crying? - Walk away.

This... this late in life, I just...

I don't know how to deal with a dream coming true.

How about you just enjoy it?

No, that doesn't sound right.

He didn't give him the keys. He had took the keys.

Oh, come on. It's been over a year.

Your mother's been here that long.

My mother's ill.

So is mine.

My mother is in the hospital fighting for her life.

Mine will get there. Give her time.

Take care of it.

Explain to me in my words.

It's his responsibility. It's his car.

But he's not the one who crashed it, and he's not the one

who told him to drive it. He had...

- Mindy? - What?

If it's not inconvenient, could you stop and get me some more Pringles?

- Sure. - The kind with jalapeño.

Okay.

- Not the wavy, the flat. - Right.

And if you're going to the hospital, send my love to your mom.

- I will. - She's a real fighter. She'll beat this.

- I hope so. - Or she won't. Who knows?

Goodbye, Estelle.

- Mindy. - What?

Never mind. I don't want to be a bother.

Tell me, Estelle.

If the hospital's near a CVS, could you pick me up some Dulcolax?

- Okay. Mm-hmm. - The pink box.

It's marketed as a stool softener for pregnant ladies,

but I find it to be very effective.

I'll get it.

My tushy thanks you in advance.

Great.

Nobody else was sober enough to get into his car.

How's it lookin'?

Fine, I guess.

You guess, or you know?

All right. I know.

As agreed.

Fifty grand up front, fifty when my inheritance comes through.

As agreed.

We're all set, Mom.

Yeah. It went real smooth.

No. No problems.

- You got the money? - What?

Don't fuck around with me, kid. The money.

Mom, I'm gonna have to call you back.

Where are you from?

- Me? I'm from New York. - Goodbye.

Go back to New York.

- Where is the dog? - The dog is at a friend's house.

- Where was the dog three days ago? - At a friend's house.

Hey. You got a minute? Can we talk?

I'm watching my judge show.

All right. Just hit pause, and then you won't miss anything.

There. Yeah, right. Here, this one. There you go.

But you placed them there...

Voilà.

Okay.

Okay? What?

Well...

You know the old Benjamin Franklin saying about houseguests and fish?

No. Tell me.

Come on, Ma. Please.

You want me to leave?

No. No. Not...

Not me. Benjamin Franklin.

Okay. Fine.

I know when I'm not wanted.

Do ya?

I gotta tell you, Martin, I'm a little hurt.

The only reason why I stayed this long was to take a load off your wife

so she can focus on her poor, dying mother.

And she very much appreciates it.

- Does she? - Where are you going? You're leaving now?

I'm going to bring in the garbage cans.

Don't. Don't. No, no, no. Stop. I can do that.

They've been out there for two days, so clearly, you can't.

Hi. It's me.

Okay. I just did.

I did. I just did. I did now.

Yes. She's leaving.

Hmm?

I... I... I don't know when, Mindy.

Soon.

We didn't... Soon. She...

What do you want from me? I...

I... Let me call you back. I'm gonna call you back.

What?

I think you got a dead person on your lawn.

What?

Oh! Oh! Oh! Ma! Oh! Ma! Oh, oh, oh, oh!

- Call an ambulance! - I don't have a phone.

- What? Who doesn't have a phone? - Me.

Okay. Just stay with her.

Oh. Oh.

- Nine-one-one, please hold. - What...

- Are you kidding me? - ...in the order it was received.

Pretty sure she's dead!

Okay.

All right, Ma. Okay. You're gonna be okay.

- Okay, come on. Help me out. - Nope.

- Could you just grab... grab a leg? - No way.

- Oh, fuck you. - Fuck you right back.

No. Fuck you!

Okay, Ma. Okay. Here we go. Here we go.

There you... All right. Oh! Oh, boy.

Okay. Come on. Come on, help me out. Sit up. Just sit up.

Here we go. All right. Ooh, I got you. I got you. I got you.

Oh, oh, oh. I got you.

Oh, I don't got you.

Can you at least open the door?

Cool car.

All right, we gotta get... There we go. Watch your head. Whoa.

Okay. Whoa! Didn't... didn't mean to touch your bosom there. Pardon me.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

♪ Who can take a sunrise ♪

♪ Sprinkle it with dew? ♪

♪ Cover it with chocolate ♪

♪ And a miracle or two ♪

♪ The candy man can ♪

No.

We just talked.

I got her some, uh...

Goddamn it.

Honey...

The Emmy for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Limited Series or Movie...

Duckie!

Breezing past 50 with a prostate the size of a cantaloupe, but sure, Duckie.

- Alan Harper! - Calm down, Chuck.

So, as I was saying,

the Emmy for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Limited Series or Movie

goes to...

Sandy Kominsky, The Old Man and the Sea.

Holy shit! Holy shit!

Yeah!

All right!

I fucked that guy.

- Hey, thank you, Jon. - Congratulations, man.

Hey, thank you. Thank you.

I, um...

I don't know what to say.

Uh...

First, I gotta thank Barry Levinson, uh,

for his faith in me.

I am forever grateful.

It's crazy, crazy what he did, giving me this shot.

And, um,

I gotta thank Norman Newlander.

I wish you were here with me.

Ah, maybe you are.

Yeah, you are.

And, uh...

...to my daughter Mindy...

...honey, look what Daddy did, huh?

I'm not a fraud.

And to my students...

...thank you for your endless optimism,

your relentless ambition.

It's what's kept me going all these years.

I'll see you soon, and I love you all.

And, uh, finally,

I want to thank my ex-wife, uh,

my first ex-wife, to be honest.

Dr. Roz Volander.

Many, many years ago, she believed in a bartender

with big dreams.

So,

I'd like to dedicate this to her.

Roz, honey,

I wish I'd been better.

Thank you. Thank you all.

- Congratulations. - Oh, you too.

All right. Let's get to work.