Original subtitles

Dad, come on. Open the door. We just wanna talk.

Maybe somebody should go round the back just in case he tries to run.

- I'll go. - Please.

He's a 75-year-old man. The only running he does is to the toilet.

I won't go.

I don't know. He's pretty spry for his age.

- I'll go. - Stay!

I won't go.

Is everything okay?

Hey, Yvette!

Zdravstvuyte!

Zdravstvuyte.

How do you know her?

Oh, no. Your dad knows her.

I don't know her.

Everything's fine. Thank you

Tell Sandy I say hi.

You've got it!

I'm so sorry. I was in the shower.

You're fucking Russian hookers now, huh?

Please, come in.

It's like a clown car.

- Judd Melman, family and estate law. - All right.

Divorce, child custody, alimony, trusts, probates, wills, et cetera.

Okay.

I'm also Dianetics clear, OT VII.

I'm an ethics officer in the Church of Scientology.

- How much are you paying this guy? - Nothing.

He agreed to represent us on contingency.

- Twenty percent? - Thirty.

Whoa!

Thirty. Wow. That's... that's... that's good for you, huh?

What's this?

A lowball estimate of how much you'll be giving him.

Let's talk outside.

That is one enturbulated thetan.

Whole track engrams.

Okay. Your turn.

I'm sorry, Dad, but Martin is more important to me than money.

He won't be if you give it a little time.

What the hell... What money is this?

Norman left me ten million dollars.

You kidding me?

Is this why you've been so mean to me?

Yes.

I'm sorry. He got in my head.

Oh, really?

- You're throwing me under the bus? - I thought you and I were friends.

We are, but come on, that's a fuckload of money.

Shame on you!

No. No shame. Good father.

If it will make you feel better,

I will sign a prenup that prevents me from touching that money.

- Deal. - Wait.

No waiting. We all heard him. Prenup. He gets nothing.

- All right. Shut up. - Too late.

- Look. Is what's yours mine? - Of course.

- The house? - Yes.

Oh, come on. That dump is worthless. It's... it's a knockdown.

You told me the house was lovely and had good bones.

- That's just what you say. - Oh, shame on you!

Then what's mine is yours.

Oh, shit.

Wow.

Mindy Clarice Kominsky...

- We fired Judd. - But we still want our money.

Not now!

Go on.

Will you marry me?

I will.

Oy. Okay, I'm gonna come up and kiss you in a second.

- Okay. - Little help here?

Congratulations.

Are you happy?

Very.

How's it going with your daughter moving back in?

My child.

Sorry. Your child.

Well, you know, it's hard work, but I love being a grand zaza.

- Being a what? - Grand zaza.

"Grandpa" is too gender-specific.

- Oh, right. Sure. - Wow.

Bad news is I'm not getting any help from Kelly.

What's going on with her?

Them.

Sorry. Them.

Yesterday was Jackie's first day of kindergarten.

Kelly insists that Ze present as andro.

Jackie has a meltdown because Ze wants to present as Buzz Lightyear.

Ze is he?

And she.

While Kelly is the dictionary definition of "unfluid."

That's in the dictionary?

So Ze tells Jackie that Buzz is bi-gender.

- Is that true? - Course not.

Buzz is totally cisgender. Gynosexual at the very least.

At the least.

Here we go.

Hmm.

Thirty-two caliber. What do you think?

Full metal jacket, steel core, armor-piercing.

Went through that car door like an incontinent Republican

in a gender-neutral bathroom.

Are we done? Should I close him up?

What are you looking for?

Police have the shooter and the gun. Ballistics are sure to match.

The footage from the CCTV near the bridge

shows our vic here slumped over the steering wheel of his car

at exactly 12:05.

So?

Look at that ticker.

This guy clearly had a massive heart attack

a little after 12 p.m.

- Meaning... - Meaning, how do you murder a dead man?

- You're setting him free. - No.

The evidence is setting him free.

And cut! All right. Let's turn it around.

Hot potato.

- Thanks for coming. - Hey.

- Sorry. - Great job.

When I saw you here, I got so nervous.

Didn't show at all. You were terrific.

Oh, Sandy, this is Morgan.

Morgan, this is my incredible acting coach,

Sandy Kominsky.

So nice to meet... Sorry.

Same here. I... I'm such a big fan.

Well, thank you.

I love the new twist on the character.

Were you able to follow the dialogue?

I wanna say yes, but, uh...

No. I get it.

I keep trying to tell these writers,

"Don't assume the audience is going to understand this stuff."

But they... And when I say "they," I mean "they."

They insist that's how the character would speak.

Writers.

Fuckin' bullies.

Oh, hey, way to go with this young lady here.

I had very little to do with it. They is truly talented.

Stop.

Hey, if you ever have a free night,

maybe you'd like to come to one of my classes,

talk about how you approach your work.

Well, thank you.

I just may take you up on that.

You know, I have an acting workshop on MasterClass.

Oh sure. No, I've... I've heard of that.

You should check out the website.

Helen Mirren, Natalie Portman, Scorsese. A lot of big people are doing it.

Uh, that's cool. Yeah.

I got my own website, you know. I do the Instagram.

- A little YouTube. - Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

- Morgan. Ready for you. - Okay.

Ready for your close-up, dear?

- I guess. - Okay.

- Very nice to meet you. - Likewise.

Bye.

"A little YouTube"?

Good, Sandy, that's great. That's just... fucking great.

I love it that you still come here.

When something is good, you stick with it.

That's a little insulting.

Hey. You divorced me.

Oh yeah, because you weren't good.

Oh well. I stand corrected.

- Moving on. - Okay.

- How do we do this wedding? - Oh, easy.

I'll plan everything with Mindy, and then we hand you the bills.

And by "everything" you mean...

The menu, food, the band, the flowers, the invites,

the wedding dress, the rehearsal dinner.

Oh, don't worry. Maybe Mindy will want to keep it small and intimate.

Maybe we can encourage that.

Ah.

What do we know about Martin's parents?

Not much. His, uh... his dad passed.

His mom's in one of those, uh, senior citizen ghettos in Scottsdale.

Oh! God's waiting room. Are they close?

I don't think so.

Every time I ask about her, he, uh...

He flinches a little bit, then he changes the subject.

- You're kidding. - No. Try... Try it. You'll see.

He actually goes...

Oh, God! Mommy issues. Oh, that's not a good sign.

That's what you always said was my problem.

Well, tell me.

Why is it that, in your long life...

...you have utterly failed to form a lasting relationship

with any one woman?

I didn't say you were wrong.

I know it doesn't mean much at this point, uh...

...but I'm sorry I was not a better husband.

That means a lot.

Thank you.

Tell me.

How come you never remarried?

Oh, you really want to know?

Well, Sandy, sweetheart,

I never fell out of love with you.

Really?

No. I'm fucking with you.

I was too busy with the work.

- Why would you do that? - I'm sorry.

- You're not sorry. Yeah, right. - No, I'm not sorry.

- Here's to fucking with me. - Here's to fucking with you.

Tell me the truth about the Russian hooker.

Oh, shit.

- Surprise! - How do?

Now what?

Oh, we were both really upset about how we handled things,

and we wanted to apologize.

On the emotional tone scale, we are below grief,

somewhere between self-abasement and making amends.

Uh-huh, and I see the Greeks have come bearing gifts, huh?

I don't know what that means,

but this is a cashmere hoodie from Brunello Cucinelli.

And this is an assortment

of fine wines and cheeses from Larry's Liquor Locker.

Uh-huh.

Can we just talk for a minute?

Do I have a choice?

We want you to know

how sorry we are for siccing our lawyer on you.

That was totally uncalled-for,

and I have initiated a third-party investigation

to find out whether a suppressive person caused the entheta.

What is wrong with you?

I'm gonna find out.

Is that it? Are we done?

Not quite.

Based on your lowball number and our own inquiries...

- Google. - We guesstimate Dad's estate...

Cash, stocks, bonds, properties,

controlling interest in the Newlander Agency.

To be worth about $100 million.

Again, a guesstimate.

And we think it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world

for some part of that to be distributed now.

Yeah. Bank wire, Venmo, PayPal. Your call.

Okay, first of all, the estate is not worth 100 million.

- It's not? - Closer to 150.

- Is... is that a guesstimate? - No.

And once again, I have been instructed to give it all to charity

if, in my judgment, neither of you seem to be mature enough to inherit.

- Which way do you think it's leaning? - At the moment?

Mmm...

American Cancer Society, Red Cross, uh, maybe, uh, Jews for Jesus, you know.

This is good cheese.

Sandy, I'm just gonna throw this out there,

and this is just for the sake of argument,

but given your advanced age, what happens to...

Careful.

- Never mind. - That's a good call.

Okay, Mom. I... I think we're done here.

- Thank you so much for your time. - Sure.

I... I hope you know,

despite all this back and forth about money, that I love you very much.

- Good night, Phoebe. - Good night, Sandy.

Sandy.

I... also love you very much.

I hope you're enjoying this.

Oh, my God, you're right! Every time I see them,

no matter what character they're playing, I think I'm losing my hearing.

Christian Bale, Matthew McConaughey, and Tom Hardy.

They're like the holy trinity of movie mumblers.

Mm-hmm. The father, the son, and the "what the fuck did he just say?"

If you're Marlon Brando, you can mumble, but everybody else has to speak up.

Yeah. You know who's also a big mumbler? Paul Giamatti.

No. He's a whisperer. Watch Billions. Every scene.

"This time, Axe Capital is going down."

"Bobby Axelrod is history."

A couple years ago, I met him at a dry cleaner's on Cahuenga.

He was very chilly to me.

I... I liked him in Sideways.

So?

So, he was funny.

- Eddie Redmayne. - Un-fucking-intelligible.

Hey, Sandy.

Hey.

Oh, I'm glad you're all here.

We need to talk.

Just make sure you enunciate.

- What? - Nothing.

Sorry. Go on.

I didn't think, uh, that this needed to be said,

but apparently, it does.

What we do and what I teach is an art form.

It's not a competition.

It's a, uh... a group effort.

A communal expression of what it means to be human.

So...

...you know, when one of us falls, we pick them up.

And when one of us achieves fame and fortune,

whether it be through lucky breaks or plain old hard work or both,

we put aside jealousy and envy

and joyfully celebrate their success.

And in so doing,

we open up our hearts and create a channel for success to come to us.

Understood?

- Mm-hmm. - Good. Okay. See you in a few.

I so disagree with that.

Yeah. That is some serious bullshit.

- What the hell was that? - Some hippie-dippie bullshit.

No, no. No way.

Ooh, yeah.

And how are my wedding planners?

Oh, pretty good.

Hey. We're thinking June in Tahiti or Fiji,

Bora-Bora.

That's very funny.

It's not a joke, Dad.

Yeah, right.

It's not.

- It's not? - Uh-uh.

I know it's expensive, so if you'd rather, Martin and I can pay for it

out of my inheritance from Norman.

No, no. Don't touch that. That's your nest egg.

Well, then how do we do this?

I... I... I still wanna pay. It's just, uh,

I wasn't thinking an exotic destination wedding.

What were you thinking?

I don't know.

The Sportsmen's Lodge in the Valley?

Oh, honey.

I'm sorry.

It's okay. I had a feeling this would happen.

Whoa, whoa, wait, wait. Now... now... now wait.

Maybe there's some middle ground that's, uh, more affordable.

- Hawaii. - Middle-er.

Cabo?

- Keep coming. - Just say it.

The Valley can be very beautiful in the spring.

Know what? Never mind.

We'll have a little party in Martin's backyard,

invite a few friends.

It'll be fine.

No! Oh no, baby. No, no.

We will figure something out. We're gonna make it a special day for you.

Right? Come on. Help me out.

I can't.

- Why not? - Because I'm still fucking with you.

What?

Oh, if you could see your face.

Middle-er?

You little rat fuckers, you know.

Oh, the Valley is so beautiful.

- In the spring. - Okay. All right.

- That's enough. Very funny. - I thought I was gonna pee myself.

Very good. Okay.

So where's Martin?

He's, uh...

- He's taking a break. - But what does that mean?

It means he doesn't want to be in your class anymore.

Why?

Seriously, you don't know?

You really hurt his feelings about the money.

Oh, please, he has to know that I was trying to protect you.

Sandy, you looked him right in the eye and told him you didn't trust him.

Yeah, but, yeah, I was just trying to pro... protect her.

Maybe you should go over later and talk to him.

- You want me to go over and apologize? - Yes.

Well?

Are you sure that you're gonna marry him?

I am.

Okay, well, then I guess my hands are tied.

You used to like that.

Mom.

He did.

Ugh.

Yello.

Sandy, Robbie Newlander here.

What can I do for you, Robbie?

Nothing. Just called to say hi.

Hi.

- Are you having a nice day? - Robbie, come on.

Okay. I have an idea for a new business.

I need a little seed money to get it up and running.

Uh-huh, and what is this business?

It's a slam dunk is what it is.

I can't believe nobody thought of this before.

Just tell me, Robbie.

Okay. So, you get how we've all lived multiple lives

going back billions of years.

Sure. I get that.

So, what I wanna do is create an online community

where people can share their past-life memories.

Okay.

We could have a monthly magazine with cover stories like,

"Robert Downey Jr."

- "Why Does He Look So Familiar?" - Right.

And a chain of theme restaurants that take a playful look

at our various incarnations throughout the millennia.

Waiters dressed like Nazis or plantation owners, that sort of thing.

So, like the worst of mankind and buffalo wings.

Exactly.

And how much seed money are we talking about?

Let me tell you the name I came up with.

Wait, hold on. I got another call coming in here.

Hello.

Sandy, hey, it's Morgan Freeman.

Hey, Morgan! Hey, what's up?

Is it cool to come by Friday night? Talk to your class?

Yes! Absolutely. Thanks.

Are you working on anything that I might be able to help with?

Uh, maybe you could encourage the kids to be more supportive of each other.

You know, talk about how acting is a team sport.

Right. You came up in New York, didn't you?

Yeah.

I... I... I thought so.

Well, no worries, I can sell that bullshit all day long.

I gotta go now, Sandy. Bye.

Uh, sorry, Robbie. Go ahead.

It's called Samsara's Club.

Uh, what is?

The social media platforms, the magazine, the restaurants.

Samsara is the Buddhist word for the eternal suffering caused

by the cycle of birth and death.

Cute, huh?

It's a play on Sam's Club. Samsara's Club.

That is very, very cute. And the seed money?

Twenty-five million dollars.

Go big or go home, right?

Go home, Robbie.

Thanks for doing this.

- Where is he? - In his shoe room.

- Showroom? - His shoe room.

He makes his own shoes.

Are you still fucking with me?

No. It's his hobby.

My future son-in-law is a cobbler?

My second stepmother was a junkie and a porn star.

Methadone and soft-core.

Which way?

Hey.

Hey.

Oh, I didn't know you made your own shoes.

Yeah, well, there's a lot you don't know about me, Sandy.

I... I guess so, but...

...what got you into this?

Well, a lot of your name-brand shoes are made in Southeast Asia

using child labor.

- I didn't know that. - Mm-hmm.

So you got young blood on your feet.

Well, that... that's not cool.

So, listen, um,

I want to apologize.

I know you're a good and trustworthy man.

And I should never have implied otherwise.

Listen. I loved Mindy when she didn't have a pot to piss in.

- And I love her now. - I know that.

You know, I... I... I didn't work as a public school teacher for 38 years

'cause I... I... I cared about money.

I know that too.

You have been an honorable man in an honorable profession.

All I ever cared about was improving the lives of children.

They don't make 'em like you anymore.

And just so you know, I've instructed Norman's trust...

...to wire the money into you and Mindy's joint account.

I...

Fine. Whatever.

It's not gonna change my life one way or the other.

Well, I... I ju... I just hope we can be friends again.

Well, I hope so too, Sandy.

You're gonna come back to class?

I don't... Sure.

Good.

Okay, well, I'll, uh...

I'll... I'll leave you to it, hmm?

♪ Nobody cares ♪

♪ 'Cause there's no hiding place ♪

♪ There's no hiding place ♪

♪ For you and me ♪

♪ Are we just like all the rest? ♪

♪ We're looking too hard For something he's got ♪

♪ Or moving too fast to rest ♪

♪ Like a monkey on your back You need it ♪

♪ But do you love it enough to leave it ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Just like the lonely man There on the corner ♪

♪ What he's waiting for, I don't know ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ But he waits every day now ♪

♪ He's just waiting For that something to show ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Who's the lonely man... ♪