Original subtitles

- Oh my God. - Yeah.

Ten million.

Yeah.

- Norman left that to you? - To us.

- To us? - Yeah.

So five of that is mine?

All of it is yours.

What do you mean?

Before he died, he forgave the money that he lent me for the IRS.

I... I just can't take any more from him.

It doesn't feel right, so I want you to have it.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You sure you don't want to buy something crazy for yourself?

Like what?

Like, I don't know, a Rolls-Royce?

Jesus, no.

If I saw me in a Rolls-Royce, I would have to hate me.

Okay. Maybe a Porsche or a Ferrari? You could use it to pick up chicks.

Yeah. Nothing sexier than an old guy who can't get out of his own car.

Honey, I want this to be for you.

You invest it wisely, you've always got a financial cushion.

- Never go without. - Thank you.

You're very welcome.

Wait. How come the money didn't go to me directly?

How come Norman gave it all to you?

Yeah, well, um...

...this is where it gets a little tricky.

Norman was afraid that it might, uh, wind up in the wrong hands.

I don't understand.

Your boyfriend. He was not sure about your boyfriend.

He wasn't sure?

What wasn't he sure about?

That maybe he's not, um, a keeper.

What? Martin's totally a keeper.

He's a lovely man. I like him very much, but this is a lot of money.

And Norman felt strongly that it be kept safe for you.

Is that how you feel? It needs to be kept safe?

Well, it is a lot of money.

Do you not trust Martin?

With this kind of dough?

I wouldn't trust my own mother.

God rest her soul.

Look, if you're okay with it,

I'm gonna put this in a mutual fund, bonds maybe.

Somewhere you don't have to worry about.

You know, I'm probably gonna marry Martin.

That's fine. That's a wonderful thing.

I will walk you down the aisle, and with tears in my eyes,

I will proudly give you away.

So, do I tell him about the money then?

I don't know. I can't really tell you what to do.

- But... - Why does he need to know?

So I should have a secret from my husband?

- But don't think of it as a secret. - What is it then?

Ten million dollars, five if you tell him.

Hey. Am I interrupting anything?

- Nope. - All right. Ready for dinner?

- Yeah. You bet. - Okey do... Sandy, wanna join us?

- No, thanks. You guys go ahead. - All right.

- Good night. - Good night.

Check this out.

I bought 20 lotto scratchers at the gas station.

First one paid back two dollars.

- Cool. - We can scratch the rest over dinner.

- Any luck? - No.

All right. Well, we had three winners, so that's pretty good.

How is spending 20 bucks to make six bucks pretty good?

You're not counting the entertainment value

we got from the act of scratching.

That's easily five bucks apiece, you know, per capita.

Come on. It's only money.

Mac and cheese with langostino lobster?

Right here.

- And ahi tuna salad. - Thank you.

- Enjoy. - Thank you.

You know the langostino lobster is technically not a lobster?

It's actually closer to the crab family.

Uh-huh.

Something bothering you?

No.

Mindy.

I just don't understand how you can survive a heart attack

and eat mac and cheese with langostino lobster.

- Crab. It's really... it's really crab. - It's really irresponsible.

Do you want me to return it? I'll return it.

- I just want you to make good decisions. - I'll get a green salad with crackers.

And why would you blow 20 bucks on lotto tickets?

My credit card wasn't working at the gas pump,

so I went inside to pay with cash and...

I don't know, I was... I was feeling lucky.

You were feeling lucky?

Yes.

A feeling I likely will not have tonight in our boudoir.

You know what? Do whatever you want, eat whatever you want.

I'm not your mother.

I... Okay, uh, pardon me, I'm sorry to bother you.

Uh, can I possibly exchange this for a green salad?

- Is there something wrong with it? - No, no, not at all.

It's just that I recently had a heart attack,

and, uh, this... this might not be a healthy choice.

- You're just figuring that out? - Please don't make me feel worse.

I'll bring you a salad.

Thank you.

And crackers.

Wow. Who broke her heart, huh?

Okay. Cards on the table.

Your father and your grandfather left you a great deal of money,

not to mention this house and all the artwork in it.

- There's a Hockney in the living room. - I know.

- That's a gazillion dollars all by itself. - I imagine so.

I don't care for the painting, but so what, right?

Right.

Anyway, before he died, he created a living trust.

What is that? Is that like a will?

Sort of, except it helps avoid a lot of estate taxes.

Smart. My dad was a smart man.

And he made me the executor of that trust.

That's great. That makes a lot of sense.

He did that because he didn't trust either of you to handle the money wisely.

- Fucking father! - Son of a bitch!

In the meantime, I've arranged for you both

to receive a reasonable monthly allowance.

How much?

Let... Let me finish.

As well as having the trust cover all the expenses needed

to maintain this house,

uh, taxes, utilities, insurance, gardening, housekeeping...

Sandy.

You've been a good friend to my dad for many years

and like a second father to me.

So I hope that you know I'm coming from a place of love

when I tell you your services as an executor are no longer required.

You're fired.

You can't fire me.

- Oh, I wouldn't be too sure about that. - Oh, I actually am.

- Call your dad's lawyer and ask him. - I will.

Go ahead.

Perhaps I will have my lawyer call my dad's lawyer.

Who's your lawyer?

Someone you shouldn't mess with.

Nice, Mom. How much is my allowance?

$5,000 a month.

Okay. Well, what about $5,000 a week?

No.

- Come on, negotiate with me. - No.

We need a lawyer.

You probably should know that if you contest the terms

of the trust, all the money goes to charity.

Well, that settles it then.

We'll form a charity.

Oh, Norman, help me. Jesus Christ.

Sandy, he's not in heaven.

He is caught in the endless psychodrama of death and birth

that's been going on for billions of years

until L. Ron Hubbard discovered the spiritual technology to free mankind.

- Thank you. - It's just the truth.

Okay, um, I gotta go.

If that Hockney goes missing, I'm turning you both in to the police.

Why'd you bring up the painting?

Why did you bring up your imaginary lawyer?

Oh, Jesus.

Hello, ex-wife.

Hello, ex-husband.

Is this a bad time?

No, it's fine. I'm just taking a little break.

Jack and Pepper.

You know me too well.

To know you is to divorce you.

To what do I owe this, um...

Hi. What's up?

Well, two things.

First of all, I wanted to say how sorry I was

to hear about Norman.

- Thank you. - I know you two were very close.

Yeah.

It's a shame you weren't gay.

You would have made such a nice couple.

You're not the first person to say that.

You're doing all right though, right?

Not really.

As hard as it was to lose my friend,

it's been even harder to manage his affairs.

Oh no, he didn't.

He did. Yeah. He made me executor of his estate.

- So you're fucked. - Totally.

Sorry.

Can't you weasel out of it?

I could, but I am so pissed off at his daughter and his grandson,

I'm gonna hang in there out of spite.

Now, you said there were two things. What's the second?

I'm coming to Los Angeles.

Hello?

Yeah, no, I'm here.

Uh, that's great. Uh, what's the occasion?

Well, I wanna spend some time with our daughter.

Uh, well, that's nice.

I think we might be planning a wedding.

Really?

Oh, well, that's just swell.

Oh, come on, you must've known about it.

Well, she plays her cards pretty close.

But you like him, right?

Uh, yeah, no, I like him. We've become good friends.

- What's wrong? - Nothing!

When your voice goes up an octave, I know you're lying.

My voice is not... ...is not up an octave.

Well, tell me. Maybe I can help.

Oh, Roz, honestly, there's nothing to tell.

Listen, I gotta go.

Maybe when you're in town, we'll get together, catch up.

Also, when you start a sentence with the word "honestly,"

I know you're lying.

Bye, Roz.

That man wouldn't know the truth if it crawled out of his ass.

So, what's your story?

Yes, please, come in.

Sandy, you got a minute?

Sure. What's up?

I just wanted to share some good news.

Oh, great. I could use some good news.

I got a job on a TV series.

Oh, Margaret. That's fantastic!

Thanks.

- I owe it all to you. - No, honey, you're really talented.

You would've found a way with or without me.

Come on, sit down. Tell me all about it.

You remember that show Quincy?

Uh, with Jack Klugman, yeah, sure. He was, like, a coroner or something?

- Yeah. It's a remake of that. - Right.

- I play Quincy's assistant. - Oh, that's wonderful.

It's... I remember he would solve crimes by doing autopsies, uh...

I used to call the show Queasy.

There's a lot of blood and guts in the pilot.

Who plays Quincy?

Morgan Freeman.

- Whoa. He's terrific! - Yeah.

They updated the character, so Quincy's now gender-fluid.

- Uh... Wh... I'm sorry? - Nonbinary?

Genderqueer?

Doesn't identify as "he" or "she."

Oh, sure. Yeah. You know, I'm hip to that. He's a "they" or a "them," yeah?

- Right. - Yeah.

Morgan Freeman, gender-fluid coroner.

Well, there's talk they may replace him.

The company's under a lot of pressure to hire an actual NB actor.

NB?

Nonbinary.

Oh, sure, sure.

You know, Leonard Nimoy almost didn't play Mr. Spock

'cause they wanted an actual Vulcan.

That's a joke, right?

I was hopin'. Um...

- Did you tell the other students? - Not yet.

Well, come on, let's make an announcement at the end of class.

They're gonna wanna celebrate.

- You think? - Of course. Don't you?

When Lane got the Super Glue commercial, everyone congratulated him,

but you could tell they were jealous.

Oh yeah, it didn't help him handing out free samples.

Well, it doesn't matter. We're all in this together.

Actors have to support each other through success or failure.

Was that how it was when you were getting started?

- Yeah. - It's not like that now.

Okay, before we call it a night, we got some great news to share.

- Margaret? - Uh, okay.

Um...

I... auditioned for a part on a new TV series,

and I got it.

A guest part?

A series regular.

Hmm.

Congratulations.

Well, that sounds wonderful.

Good for you.

Kudos.

Good job, sweetie.

Brava.

- And it's like I stab it into his neck... - Hard.

Ooh! Uh, excu... Sandy, can I talk to you for a second?

- Yeah, sure. Hop in. - Uh...

So what's up?

Uh, I just wanted to thank you for letting me audit your class.

My pleasure.

Yeah, I thought it would be just, you know, memorizing long speeches

and a whole lot of crying and yelling.

- Sometimes that wins an Oscar. - Yeah, maybe.

But the way you teach it, it's very... It's much deeper.

It's like psychoanalysis.

Well, thank you. I...

You ever been in therapy?

Oh, Sandy, I've never not been in therapy.

- Really? - Yeah. Since I'm a kid.

Huh.

How's it going?

Uh, I think I'm starting to make real progress.

Uh, while I got you here, uh, let me ask,

has Mindy said anything to you about her and me?

Wh... What would she have to say?

I don't know. I don't know, but something's clearly out of whack.

Out of whack. Hmm. How?

I don't know. She's just...

She's just been really cold lately.

Almost mean.

And then when I ask her if anything's wrong,

she looks at me like I'm some kind of idiot

and stomps off.

Is it possible maybe that you're just some kind of idiot?

Believe me, I don't discount that.

But I can't help feeling there's...

Something's going on.

Hmm, well, that is a pickle.

- Yep, yep. - A pickle, pickle, pickle.

- Yep. - Hmm?

- Sure. - Hey, check this out.

A cigarette lighter.

- Got an ashtray too. - No kidding.

- There's one over there on your door. - Unbelievable.

I bought this car from Heinrich Himmler.

- Really? - Low mileage. He only drove it to work.

Yeah.

You realize that's the third time you told me that joke?

Really?

Well, that's a little worrisome.

Do me a favor, don't tell Mindy I got high.

Sorry, we don't keep secrets from each other.

You keep 'em from other people?

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

I was kidding.

So was I.

Okay.

How often do you go to therapy?

Twice a week.

How often do you tell the Nazi joke?

I really appreciate you guys putting up with me for a couple days.

Oh, please. You kidding? I love that you're here.

You stay as long as you like.

Mi casa es su "Sussudio."

- Ah. Phil Collins. - Yeah. Good for you.

You know, I tried to turn Mindy on to him. No luck.

Well, it's a little before her time.

Yeah, but you know what? She... she's opened my head up

to a lot of stuff she likes.

Are you familiar with Megan Thee Stallion?

No.

Oh, she's really something. She's...

We listen to her a lot. Yeah.

♪ These bitches Ain't really 'bout action ♪

♪ Uh-uh ♪

♪ A lot of these hoes just actin' ♪

♪ Ew ♪

♪ I'll rough a bitch up That's traction, yeah ♪

♪ And then stick a... stick a... Trash can... stick a...♪

♪ Stick her trash ass back In the trash can ♪

♪ I'm a bad motherfucker with a backhand ♪

♪ You come too close, I'ma crack in ♪

♪ See, I already peepin' Where you lackin' ♪

♪ You didn't even hear me When I came through the back end ♪

- Do you really like that? - No.

Just trying to stay current, for Mindy, you know.

- Oh, that's sweet. - Yeah.

Kinda hard to sing along when Megan uses the N-word.

- Okay. Your room's all ready. - Thank you, baby.

There's fresh towels in the bathroom, shampoo, conditioner, everything you need.

And the toilet in there, it runs a little,

so just jiggle the handle, then it'll stop.

- Got it. - You must be exhausted.

I am a little tired.

I tell you, airplane travel is not what it used to be.

Right? Remember when we used to get dressed up to go on a plane?

- Oh, gosh. - Right?

Yeah, and they treated you like royalty.

Yes, yes, and the stewardesses were always smiling...

- Flight attendants. - Hmm?

They're flight attendants.

Okay. But they were always smiling, right?

And the captain used to come back halfway through the flight

to talk to the passengers.

They'd come by and put the plastic wings on the kids' lapels.

Yeah. I still have one. I have one in my cuff link box.

I still have the wings.

Flying was a magical experience.

It was. It wh... I'll tell you what killed it.

Terrorism. Boom.

Cuban hijacking.

Okay, okay. True story.

1968, my aunt Patty... You don't know her. She's dead.

But she won a vacation, three-day vacation,

to the Barcelona Hotel, Miami.

Slight detour, spent the weekend in Havana.

- You're kidding. - Never got on a plane again.

- No. - Absolutely.

Once she visited me from New York,

she took a cruise ship through the Panama Canal.

That's fantastic.

She did buy me a little captain's hat. I remember that.

I probably still have that one too.

- You okay? - Yeah.

You sure? You got a little, uh... got a little sourpuss thing going.

You know, you do this all the time with my father.

I do what?

Dominate the conversation, talk about the good old days,

purposely leave me out.

No. There's nothing pur... It's not purposeful.

We just happen to have a lot in common.

And you and I have nothing in common.

Well...

Well, that's not true.

What about Megan Thee Stallion at the Staples Center?

How about that?

What was that about?

I don't know.

It's just things have been, uh,

a little tense lately.

- Mind if I talk to her? - Please. Be my guest.

♪ See me out in person Now you know what N-words trippin' on ♪

♪ I had to cut the steak No red meat on my lobster plate ♪

♪ I don't go back and forth I don't play them games ♪

♪ Let the bitch play herself That's masturbate ♪

- What's the deal, chamomile? - I'm sorry.

That should never have happened in front of you.

Well, I agree. What's going on?

It's just, he does this all the time.

Goes on and on about the golden age of rock 'n' roll,

the golden age of movies, the golden age of airplanes.

"Oh, Mindy, you don't know. The world wasn't always like this."

"It used to be better."

It was!

Don't you start with me.

All right, you've fallen in love with a man whose best days are behind him.

What else is he gonna talk about?

The future.

Our future.

- How old is he again? - Sixty-seven.

Sex okay?

Mmm.

Once a week?

All right.

Anything else going on?

Yeah.

I'm filthy fucking rich.

Is... is that one of the rap lyric thingies?

No. I'm rich.

Norman left me ten million dollars.

Oh.

Oh my.

He actually left five to me and five to Dad,

but Dad gave me his share.

Really? I may have to take back some of the horrible things

I've said about him.

Well, what's the problem?

You and Martin should be celebrating.

I haven't told Martin.

Why not?

Because Dad doesn't trust him and told me to keep it a secret.

No take-backs.

The money is a problem.

You have to tell Martin.

If you don't, then it looks like you don't trust him.

And if you don't trust him, then this relationship is doomed.

I thought I trusted him.

Now I'm not so sure.

Come with me.

- Where are we going? - Just come on.

What a nice night.

- I was enjoying the breeze. - Get in the car.

- Where are we going? - Just do it.

Okay.

You told me you were gonna quit smoking pot.

Well, hey, I've cut way down.

- Don't lie to me. - Okay.

Hey, Margaret. What's going on?

Everybody went out to dinner, and they didn't invite me.

It's like I'm suddenly the enemy.

Whoa, whoa. Slow down. Everybody who?

Darshani, Breana, Lane, Jude.

They liked me fine when I was an out-of-work actor

but not anymore.

Oh, come on. That can't be true.

It is.

I'm gonna have to quit the class.

You just have to be patient. I mean, they'll come around.

- You think so? - Absolutely.

Sandy, open the door.

And don't you quit my class. That's a coward's way out.

Dad? I know you're in there.

We face our problems head-on.

That's what separates the winners from the losers.

Sandy, I have no idea what's going on.

Thanks. You always know the right thing to say.

It's all a part of being an actor.

We are students of human behavior.

Sandy, I brought a lawyer.

And he works with Kirstie Alley!