All language subtitles for The Me You Cant See S01E01 - Say It Out Loud (NetNaija.com)

We are very much in the early stages

of trying to understand this thing that we call

mental health.

No matter what your race, culture, or class,

mental health problems are universal health problems.

I'm struggling with my OCD.

I can get up and get dressed

with the best of 'em,

but inside, I feel completely broken.

Everybody thinks you get sick

and then you get cured.

It's just not like that.

I don't think any person

is one family member away

from somebody who isn't suffering from depression,

anxiety, trauma.

Now, the good news is

it's never too late to heal.

This is where broken people can come

and be broken.

We have a huge opportunity.

All you need is to be in the right place.

Everybody has a burden that they carry.

Everybody has a story.

A lot of people all over the world

are in some kind of mental, psychological, emotional pain

that they may not have acknowledged,

particularly because this year has certainly shown us

with a big mirror in front of our humanity.

-Mm-hmm. -Who we are.

And so whatever was an issue for you

before COVID-19

became, uh, magnified.

So I think for a lot of people,

isolation and loneliness has become a major issue.

I think it certainly has put a mirror

in front of grief,

because grief isn't just losing someone.

Grief is...

the loss of anything that matters.

And so kids were grieving

not being able to have their high school graduation

that you've been thinking about.

-Being with their friends. -Being with their friends

and not being able to have life as you know it.

And so this year has shaped who we are

as a culture in ways that I think

a lot of people still have not dealt with.

Well, some people at the beginning of it

were saying it's been a leveler.

I couldn't disagree more.

-It's not a leveler. -Because the people

that were already suffering are now suffering even more.

That's right.

I guess the one that we can agree on globally

is that everyone has experienced

a different version of the same thing.

Correct, and so this idea

of what COVID-19 has done to people...

Mm-hmm.

...is gonna show up in ways

never even imagined

if you were already just trying to hold on and cope

before it even happened, you know?

This year has surely proven that 99.9%,

if not 100% of us,

have now officially all experienced...

-Some form of trauma. -...some form of trauma.

-Yeah. -Or some form of grief

-or some form of loss. -Yeah.

I heard someone say,

"Pain that is not transformed gets transmitted."

And it's basically projection, right?

People who are... people who are hurt,

understandably hurt, from...

from their upbringing, their environment,

what's happened to them, what they've been exposed to,

what they've seen-- whatever it is,

that if you don't transform it, if you don't process it,

then it ends up coming out in all sorts of different ways

that you can't control, and you never know when.

It's unresolved, and it is, it's eating us away inside,

but you don't really realize it.

And look, this is-- I'm one of the first people

to recognize that, firstly, I had a fear

of when I first went to therapy,

a fear of losing--

When did you start therapy?

Um... four years ago now.

-Four years is kinda recent. -Yeah, but four years

of therapy for an individual that never thought

that they would ever need or do therapy,

is--that's a long-- that's a long time.

I wasn't in an environment

where I was encouraged to talk about it either.

That was sort of, like, squashed.

Okay, so what made you think you needed it?

Um... the past.

To heal myself from the past.

For many, many years,

I didn't even think about it.

I wasn't, like, holding on to it.

I was unaware of it.

I always wanted to be normal.

As opposed to Prince Harry,

just being Harry.

It was a puzzling life...

...but unfortunately, when I think about my mum,

the first thing that comes to mind

is always the same one over and over again.

Strapped in the car,

seatbelt across,

with my brother in the car as well,

and my mother driving, being chased

by three, four, five mopeds with paparazzi on.

And then she was almost unable to drive

because of the tears.

There was no protection.

One of the feelings that comes up with me always

is the helplessness.

Being too young.

Being a guy, but too young

to be able to help a woman.

In this case, your mother.

And that happened every single day.

-That's enough. -Okay.

Thank you.

Can we have a nice picture, please?

Every single day until the day she died.

We are continuing to follow developments

out of Paris where Princess Diana

has been seriously injured in a car accident.

Her companion Dodi Al Fayed apparently killed,

-and also there has been... -Photographers

tracking the princess, apparently,

according to some reports, were on a motorcycle,

and that somehow may have contributed to the crash.

We are hearing...

When my mum was taken away from me

at the age of 12, just before my 13th birthday,

I didn't want the life.

Sharing the grief of my mother's death

with the world.

For me, the thing I remember the most

was the sound of the horses' hooves

-going along the pavement. -Mm-hmm.

Along the mall, the red brick road.

By this point, I was-- both of us were in shock.

It was like I was outside of my body

and just walking along, doing what was expected of me.

Showing...

1/10 of the emotion that everybody else was showing.

Charles... Charles.

I thought, "This is my mum. You never even met her."

And as you were speaking--

I'm gonna try not to make my eyes water here--

but as you were speaking, I was thinking,

"Those of us who admired and loved your mother from afar

probably did more processing of her passing that you did."

Without question.

I was so angry with what happened to her

and the fact that there was no--there was no justice.

At all.

Nothing came from that.

The same people that chased her into the tunnel

photographed her dying on the backseat of that car.

In my moment of anger, I would just like to--

to raid all the grocery stores,

raid all those horrible magazines

and just make a big bonfire.

I didn't want to think about her,

because if I think about her,

then it's gonna bring up the fact

that I can't bring her back,

and it's just gonna make me sad.

What's the point in thinking about something sad?

What's the point in thinking about

someone you've lost and you're never gonna get back again?

And I just decided not to talk about it.

Yeah. Was anybody talking about it around you?

No one was talking about it.

We've got it very carefully planned, though, see?

After that period

of whatever how many years it was

of just, like, head in the sand, fingers in the ears,

just crack on.

Like, if people said-- I've said this before--

If people said, "How are you?" I'd be like, "Fine."

Never happy, never sad. Just fine.

Fine was the easy answer.

But I was just all over the place mentally.

Every time I put a suit and tie on,

and having to, you know, do the role

and, you know, sort of like, "All right,

let's--game face, look in the mirror.

Right, let's go." Before I'd even left the house,

I was pouring with sweat, and my heart rate was...

I was in the fight or flight mode.

Panic attacks, severe anxiety.

And so 28 to probably 32

was a nightmare time in my life.

I'm freaking out every single time I jump in the car

and every single time I see a camera.

-Well, first, I-- -What did it feel like?

I would just start sweating.

I would feel as though my body temperature

was 2 or 3 degrees warmer than everybody else in the room.

I would convince myself that my face was bright red,

and therefore, everybody could see how I was feeling,

but no one would know why, so it was embarrassing.

You get in your head about it,

and then you're just like, "Everybody's looking at me."

One bead of sweat feels like the whole face is pouring down.

Just sweating,

and then just all in my head going,

"This is so embarrassing.

What are they thinking of me?

They have no idea.

I can't tell them."

Everywhere I go, every single time I meet someone,

it's almost like I'm being drained of this energy,

picking up on other people's emotion.

Finally, I'd bump into somebody

who was sweating more than me,

and I would stop, be able to speak to them,

and then everything would calm down,

and then I could move on again.

I was willing to drink. I was willing to take drugs.

I was willing to try and do the things

that made me feel less like I was feeling.

But I slowly became aware

that, okay, I wasn't drinking Monday to Friday,

but I would probably drink a week's worth

in one day on a Friday or a Saturday night.

And I would find myself drinking

not because I was enjoying it,

but because I was trying to mask something.

Did you know at the time you were doing that,

that you were trying to mask something?

-No. -No, you didn't.

Completely unaware of it,

which was my...

my brain telling me that I'm in a fight.

I never knew that.

Why would I know that?

The happiest times in my life was the ten years in the army.

Without question.

Because I got to wear the same uniform

as everybody else.

I had to do all the same training as everybody else.

I started from the bottom like everybody else.

There was no special treatment

because of who I was.

Oh-ho-ho, there it is.

That was where I felt my most normal,

and actually, you know, within my younger years,

the most comfortable I felt was out in Afghanistan,

away from the media.

I was gonna have to deal with my past,

because there was anger there.

Towards my late 20s,

I was starting to ask questions of,

"Should I really be here?"

And that was when I suddenly started going,

"You can't keep hiding from this."

Family members have said, "Just play the game

and your life will be easier."

But I've got a hell of a lot of my mum in me.

I feel as though I'm...

I'm... outside of the system,

but I'm still stuck there.

The only way to free yourself and break out

is to tell the truth.

I've been a chef all my life.

Growing up, everybody knew I was gonna be a chef.

How you guys doing? I'm Chef Rashad.

I'm the founder of Black Food Collective.

I started Black Food Collective back in 2017.

Our first event was Afro Tech.

Can we have all hands on deck, please,

to go over there and help them unload their truck?

-How's the conference today? -Good.

'Cause you don't want people lining up right here.

One thing that's missing in the food industry

is Black-owned food businesses.

I'm Chef Rashad. I'm the one

that's putting all this stuff together.

Food can bring people from every walk of life...

-Yep. -To one table.

Thank you. I appreciate you.

They used to always say,

"You're either gonna be a chef

or a... or a preacher."

Our whole mission is to create and grow these businesses

by showing them that they can actually create wealth

within their community and their family

to sustain them for a lifetime.

Whenever I get in front of people when I'm talking,

people are like, "Oh, my God, that was so powerful,

what you said"...

and I say that's not me.

That is not Rashad.

I was taught how to wear a mask very, very well,

so, you know, I can get up and get dressed

with the best of 'em and put a smile on and...

Ah! Positive.

But inside, feel completely broken.

Little things in my childhood

really affected me in a major way.

When I was very, very young,

the police raided our house,

and my dad went to jail.

I remember going to visit him in jail.

Growing up, I seen a lot of stuff.

I have friends that are addicted to drugs.

I have friends that are walking around talking to themselves.

I have...

all these people,

these--these Black men that I know

that are older and younger that are dealing with...

...or not dealing with anything.

So I look at them...

...and when I look at them,

I see me.

The general population

holds a lot of stigma

for people who struggle with

mental health issues.

And the irony is that

I don't think any person is one family member away

from somebody who isn't suffering from depression,

anxiety, substance abuse and dependence, trauma.

You take those four things,

you probably are gonna reach 80% of the population.

People would not think twice

about saying that their child had cancer

and that they're gonna go get treatment,

but they're embarrassed to say, "My child has depression,

and I have to take him for treatment."

So I think we have a long way to go in our society.

I was made to feel insecure

about me being vocal, me being honest about that.

"Be quiet. Don't say that. No, calm down.

Oh, no, you talk too much."

After dealing with depression and anxiety,

I've lost all my passion for cooking.

It's completely gone.

In 2018, I won "Chopped"

Chef Rashad Armstead, you are the Chopped Champion.

Take a moment to savor the victory

before you take 10,000 bucks to the bank.

Thank you.

Like, I haven't even watched my "Chopped" episode.

I remember how much pain I was in

while I was doin' that show.

Within a year,

my whole entire life has changed completely.

I got a divorce.

Closed down two restaurants.

No car. Credit is jacked.

Speaking from a Black man's perspective,

you try to do so many of the right things

that you're told that you're supposed to do

and you're supposed to be and you're supposed to act

and you're supposed to live,

not knowing that there's a undercurrent.

The rent a car place said that I fit a description

of a male that was using a fake credit card.

I was detained for a few minutes because I was Black.

This guy is parked illegally.

-Parked for two seconds. -Put it on Facebook.

I don't have to put it on Facebook.

This is for my protection

because for you to call the police--

for you to call the police on a person

because they're parked for two seconds...

-Yeah, 'cause it takes one... -Is sick,

-especially because-- -To make a swarm!

A swarm!

And it makes you want to give up sometimes.

It makes you want to fight even harder.

But it still is like one of those things

where you gotta find hope in this--

in this darkness.

In the Black community,

we've been taught for years

to go to church, take it to God,

and everything is gonna be okay.

Therapy is a taboo situation

when it comes to the Black community.

We don't do that.

So I had to push it all down.

Now I'm dealing with depression and anxiety.

Sometimes I'm suicidal.

The heaviest feeling in my life.

It felt like weights were on me,

because I'm literally walking around here

trying to hold on.

I'm like this, "Okay, okay, just keep going.

Keep going, keep going, keep going."

Childhood memories come up,

and the fear just cripples me.

But I have to keep on going now

because if I don't keep on going,

what the heck am I gonna do?

I feel like one of those hamsters running in a wheel.

Like, I'm just going, going, going,

but I'm not going anywhere.

Going to therapy.

I didn't know it was gonna be this nerve-wracking.

Ah, a thousand, billion things

are going through my head right now, just...

...especially 'cause it was so hard

for me to get out of bed this morning.

It was one of those days where it was just

a challenge for me to wake up and...

put one foot in front of the other.

'Cause everything was calling, just telling me,

"Just reschedule. Just do this, just do that.

You should do this and just stay in bed,

and you deserve to rest,"

and all those kind of good things.

But I had to push past all that.

I've learned that when you speak certain things,

you give life to it,

things that sometimes I try to not talk about

and try not to share.

You know, in therapy, you're gonna have to share that

if you really wanna get it right.

So it's uncomfortable for me.

Yeah, it was, uh, it was definitely

intense, but it was, um...

just some of the things I was--

some of the situations that I was telling her,

she was just like...

"Wow, those are all really, really big red flags."

Oh, it just brought up so many different emotions.

Man.

It's to that point to where

if I don't be honest about where I am,

if I don't feel everything that I'm going through right now,

if I try to lie about it or try to mask it,

it's gonna be a dangerous situation.

The mask has to come off.

That's the only way I'm gonna be free from this,

if I rip this mask off.

Your brain's health

is just as important as the rest of your body.

To be able to train it like a muscle--

I know the brain's not a muscle,

but to be able to train it, just as much as we focus

on our physical health...

-Right. -...so should we be focused

on our mental health.

The two are not separate. We know this.

They are intrinsically linked.

But across society, across the world,

with stigma and everything else that's attached to it,

mental health kind of gets left behind.

But it's also the invisible injury.

And the things that we can't see

and the things that we don't understand scare us.

Um, and...

and it's hard to be able to talk about something

that perhaps a lot of people don't feel.

- That's it, that's it.

Now pick--jab.

There you go, there you go. Stay down!

Chin down, chin down.

I am six months out to the Olympics.

I'm ranked number three in the world now,

and everybody's looking at me,

not only just to go to Tokyo, but to get gold.

To watch her in the ring,

she can go a whole fight,

just throw one punch and win it.

And it's like I feel like that's a masterpiece.

Virginia!

Ish, ish.

When I was little I was like,

"I don't have a disease." I was like, "I'm not sick."

Put your hands up.

Ish!

In middle school,

I became anorexic.

It started with just going on a diet,

and then it became more, um, intense.

And I liked my results...

...to the point where I've lost so much weight,

the doctors and my parents were worried

I might get to the point where I could kill myself

'cause I'm so-- or starve myself, pretty much.

So they sent me to inpatient treatment.

The doctors there discovered

really, what's causing the anorexia

is that she has this disea-- a disease called OCD.

When I'm here in Colorado Springs

and I have this room to myself,

sometimes this room can almost be like a prison.

It's like, "Oh, my OCD now can take over.

There's nobody else."

And I can get stuck cleaning till 5:00 in the morning.

I need my boxing shoes for training,

but I can't wear them unless they're clean.

I wash my shoes a lot because, in my mind,

the bottom of it is so contaminated.

So I hate the feeling of putting dirty shoes on.

Aw, damn it.

So...

the shoe accidentally touched my arm,

so now I gotta go wash my hands.

So this is what I mean by a vicious cycle.

When I clean something, in the process, I get dirty,

and then I go clean myself.

Okay. Get my soap.

So I thought it would take ten minutes,

but again, I always tell myself and this stuff happens,

and it changes everything.

Ah. A lot of times, like,

the soap has to fall on my hand in a certain way,

or...

or it's not getting clean like I want it to.

I feel like I've used two different kinds of soaps

to get clean.

Again, I don't know why, but my brain tells me that.

Well, that's where the shoe touched me.

It touched me on the wrist,

so I'm trying to make it fall on my wrist like this

where--how it touched me.

Ah...

So...

The thing with OCD is it's like a trap.

"Stop." I keep telling myself. It's like I can't, I can't.

It's like I'm trapped in a cycle of cleaning,

and even though I wanna get out, I wanna stop...

Ahh. Almost had it.

My mind's like, "Nope, one more time.

Nope, one more time.

With me, if I don't wash my hands the proper way,

this very uncomfortable feeling in your body

where your mind gets foggy,

your muscles tense up.

You just--you can't think properly,

and it won't stop.

I spent most of my life hiding it,

and that made me feel more insecure.

I didn't like myself.

'Cause I hid it for so long

'cause I thought people would judge me,

and then, you know, think I'm a freak.

Coming out with it has helped me understand it more.

When I tell people, they're like, "Why do you that?"

and it makes me think, "Huh. Why do I do that?"

And so I have to think why I do it,

and then when I see why I do it, I'm like, "Oh. Okay."

You see that?

You see what you're doing? You see what you're doin'?

I don't like my wraps touching the ground.

All my teammates, you know, they don't care.

They're like, pshh, wrapping their hands.

It's all touching the ground,

where I'm like, "Ah, no, ah, no."

So when Derwin takes my wraps off,

we make sure it doesn't touch the ground.

He's learned, finally.

He puts 'em on his shoulder.

Took him a while to learn, but now he knows.

The ground is like lava,

contamination lava.

That's what I say.

And the thing with my OCD,

a lot of people with contamination fear

can be about--

their fear is about getting sick and dying.

That's not my fear, necessarily.

I wasn't worried about, "Oh, my God,

her blood's in my mouth.

I'm gonna have a disease,

I'm gonna get sick and die."

That's not what I was worried about.

My fear's more just the dirty, disgusting feeling

makes me feel like a disgusting, dirty person.

OCD is recurring thoughts

that cause distress, anxiety, or fear...

...and repetitive behaviors

that are intended to reduce that distress.

There are many types of OCD.

People are most familiar with ordering and symmetry

or a need to get things just right.

With contamination OCD,

the fear is of disgust.

This feeling of disgust is so unpleasant,

it's intolerable, it will last forever,

and the rituals are intended

to get rid of that uncomfortable feeling.

I've always been able

to not let my OCD creep into my boxing.

But this past February was totally different.

I went three days, maybe two hours of sleep.

I'd be in the gym,

and something's gonna touch my skin,

and I would go and wash it,

but was washing that one little spot

that touched the ground for two seconds.

I washed one little spot for maybe 30 minutes.

And then I would go and do laundry,

but the laundry wouldn't be right,

so I'd have to redo the laundry a couple of times.

That's how it escalated.

The whole process of getting in the shower

got worse and worse and worse.

It took a whole hour now.

I used to only use one sponge for one shower.

Now I started using, like, ten sponges for one shower.

Five bars of soap for one shower.

I'd go through the big containers of shower gel.

I'd go through two of those in one shower.

I wasn't eating, too, because I didn't have time

to go down to the caf and eat.

I needed to take a shower before the next practice.

I was searching for that feeling so hard,

like, in the process of doing it,

my muscles tightened, and I'm like...

breathing so hard it was--

it was almost kind of like a workout.

It was like I was working out 24/7, no stop,

with one hour sleep.

When you're not sleeping for three days,

you get delusional, you can't think straight,

and that third night, I just got stuck in that.

I'm just continuously doing it,

and it's not changing.

Like, the feeling of getting clean is not changing,

and I became very frustrated with myself.

I was like, "Just stop!" You know, yelling at myself.

Crying. Like, I was like, "Oh, my God, why can't I stop?"

And, um... I was, like, pacing back and forth,

just very erratic.

I don't know what to do. I'm just stuck in this trap.

Now you're not gonna be able to box.

Now you're not gonna be able to socialize.

Like, I was like, "Now you're not gonna be able to live

because if you get up and try to live,

you're gonna get stuck in that trap and not get out of it."

I became so exhausted at this point,

like, bawling hysterically.

I just kind of, like, fell on the floor

and that's when I was like,

"I need some serious help, and I better do it now

before it's too late."

What other words have you heard

when it comes to stigma around mental health?

-Crazy? -Crazy.

-Lost it. -Lost it.

-Can't keep it together. -Mental.

-Yeah. Nervous breakdown. -Yeah.

That stigma of...

being labeled "the other"

is the ultimate, I think,

when it comes to mental health.

Look at how many years

people have tried to hide this in their own families

and not wanting anybody to know.

And if your parents don't want to talk about it

and your friends can't remind you about it,

then there's no reason why you should go, "Hang on a second.

I may be the product of my upbringing."

Yeah, and everybody who has kept a secret,

lived in shame,

let that, um--

let the silence, uh, create the stigma for you

and broke the shame barrier for yourself.

You recognize that when you share the story,

it allows other people to not just see you differently,

but you see yourself differently

and you end up helping so many other people.

So I love those aha moments

and being able to share stories

that allow people to see themselves

in somebody else.

And every time I see someone like Lady Gaga

coming out and speaking about it,

I know that's a great thing

because it allows people to say, "Oh, you? Even you?

With all that you have and are exposed to?"

So that's the goal here,

is to get people to call it out.

Please welcome the incomparable

Lady Gaga.

When I saw Oprah

and we had that talk...

Mental health is a crisis.

And so medication has helped you.

Medication's helped me tremendously.

...and after she came back into the room with me...

You were so vulnerable. You were so truthful.

You were so real.

...and we were both crying and hugging,

I felt like I was in the company

of someone who was safe.

I went through a really crazy time in my head

that I still work on,

and I'm trying to make sure

that I give back with that experience

instead of just...

I don't know, locking it away and faking it.

Can't read my, can't read my

No, he can't read my poker face

She's got me like nobody

My mental health I thought was a problem

when I was very young.

I used to cut myself when I was really young.

I had my own experiences

with abuse,

and it's really hard for me to articulate

in a way where I feel like

it's safe for young people to listen

or even older people to listen

about why anyone would cut.

Um, I do believe

that those urges for me came from a place of,

I need to show the hurt inside.

Listen

I've got the sickest ambition

Whoo!

I was 19 years old,

and I was working in the business,

and a producer said to me...

"Take your clothes off."

And I said, "No."

And I left, and...

...they told me they were gonna burn all my music.

And they didn't stop...

They didn't stop asking me,

and then I just froze, and I just...

I don't--I don't even remember.

And I will not say his name.

I understand this Me Too movement.

I understand that some people

feel really comfortable with this,

and I do not.

I do not ever wanna face that person again.

This system is so abusive and so dangerous.

Years later, I went to the hospital.

They brought a psychiatrist in.

I said, "Bring me a real doctor."

I said, "Why is there a psych here?

I can't feel my body."

First, I felt full-on pain.

Then I went numb.

And then I was sick for weeks and weeks

and weeks and weeks after,

and I realized that it was this same pain that I felt

when the person who raped me

dropped me off pregnant on the corner,

my parent's house,

'cause I was vomiting and sick

'cause I'd been being abused.

I was locked away in a studio for months.

I wanna be able to tell everybody that's watching

that I dry my tears now and I move on.

Like, I--you see?

Like...

I open my eyes. I was taught to do this.

You roll your shoulders back.

You open your eyes. It helps you regulate.

You know, I know where I am.

I'm in the basement of my office.

And...

you can come back from things like that.

But when it--

when it hits you really hard,

it can--it can--

it can change you.

I had a-- I had a total psychotic break.

And for a couple years,

I was not the same girl.

The way that I feel when I feel pain

is how I felt after I was raped.

I've had so many MRIs and scans

where they can't-- they don't find nothing,

but...

your body remembers.

I couldn't feel anything.

I disassociated.

It's like your brain goes offline.

And you don't know why no one else is panicking,

but you are in an ult--

like, an ultra-state of paranoia.

It's a really very real thing

to feel like there's a black cloud

that is following you wherever you go,

telling you that you're worthless and should die.

And I used to scream

and throw myself against the wall.

And you know why it's not good to cut?

You know why it's not good

to throw yourself against the wall?

You know why it's not good to self-harm?

'Cause it makes you feel worse.

You think you're gonna feel better

'cause you're showing somebody,

"Hey, look. I'm in pain."

It doesn't help.

I always tell people,

"Tell somebody. Don't show somebody."

And the reason that I believe

I have cut since very recently

is because the process of healing and my mental health

has been a slow--

a slow rise.

And...

even if I have six brilliant months,

all it takes is...

getting triggered once

to... feel bad.

And when I say feel bad,

I mean wanna cut,

think about dying,

wondering if I'm ever gonna do it.

I learned all the ways

to pull myself out of it.

It all started to slowly change.

It took 2 1/2 years.

What are you doing in that time?

I won an Oscar.

Nobody knew.

Lady Gaga, Mark Ronson,

Anthony Rossomando, and Andrew Wyatt.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much to the Academy

for this wonderful honor.

Everybody that's at home right now that's suffering,

I would like first to say that it is so important

that you surround yourself with at least one person

that validates you,

and when I say "validates you,"

that means somebody that believes you,

that cares about you, and tells you

that your pain matters

and that it's real.

Then I would say

there is a way to regulate yourself.

-Hi. -Hey.

How are you?

Hi. How are you?

How are you feeling?

If I focus,

and I go, "Okay, I'm gonna wake up.

I'm gonna do some therapy or grounding or gratitude

and I'm gonna move my body and I'm gonna eat

and I'm gonna do the things I know are healthy for me.

I'm gonna play piano. I'm gonna sing a little bit.

I'm gonna brush my teeth.

I'm gonna make sure that I take a shower."

Mindfully, everything.

If I do enough of these skills in a row,

if I just keep going and I go,

"Stefani, be brave. You gotta be braver.

It's brave to breathe. It's braver to keep going."

And then I go and before I know it,

I'm standing in my backyard and I--and I go,

"Okay. Okay, I'm back."

I believe in eating throughout the day.

I think it's really important, uh, for your brain.

So I would-- I would consider this,

um, a skill.

Nutrition.

Nutrition as I'm pouring more hot sauce on my broccoli.

Is it still nutrition

if your broccoli looks like this?

I put hot sauce on everything.

It's not normal.

What's so interesting is the line that I walk.

It's actually feeling like

I wanna cut myself and feeling like I don't

are actually real close together.

Everybody thinks it's gotta be a straight line,

that it's, like, just like, you know, every other virus,

that you get sick and then you get cured, you know?

It's not like that. It's just not like that.

And actually, I think that traps people.

It traps people because they get so frustrated.

I did.

You get frustrated with yourself.

"Why am I not getting better?

What's wrong with me?"

And you know what? There's nothing wrong with you.

But there is something that's not firing right.

And that's something you gotta pay attention to,

and also, it's not easy.

This year has been an interesting year.

Went through a divorce, went through losing my business,

went through COVID.

To go from sleeping on my aunt's couch

and literally having to be homeless,

you know, broke, no money,

to--to working my way back

into now I got my own place now

and I'm able to take care of myself again,

it made me really, really grateful.

I had to get back out here to Oakland

because I had to get back to work.

We're recruiting for about 750 people a week.

Therapy has been kind of, like, difficult

'cause at one point, I couldn't afford it.

So I had to find different ways

to still continue to heal,

and helping in the Black Food Collective,

helping these businesses,

that was a really, really big part

of my healing process.

And unpacking all those boxes,

that was a whole emotional roller coaster right there.

I had to unpack a lot of stuff that I didn't wanna deal with.

I went back home during the first part of quarantine.

I didn't know how to communicate with my family

and tell them, like,

exactly how bad the depression and anxiety was

because sometimes I can't find the words

to--to say it.

Like, I wanna say it,

but I can't find the right words to--

to where they can receive what I'm saying.

But they did kind of

force themselves into--into my bubble,

which I'm glad they did that because sometimes,

I can get so caught up in my own little world

that I don't see outside of it.

You wanna heat your oil up now?

Wish you had some fried chicken grease.

That how you're really supposed to do it.

No.

You ain't never had that before?

See?

-I don't know about that. -Slacking, slacking.

-Really? -What'd you say?

He just gotta teach me how to barbecue

without getting smoke on me.

Growing up,

my mom and my dad were the only saving grace.

My mom is the only one out of all her sisters

that's still married.

She went through some stuff that would've broke most people.

Look at that.

Yes, yes, yes.

Rashad was sensitive and outgoing.

He was always the leader.

Even as a little kid, he was always leading the pack.

Sometime, he gets a little quiet.

Don't say too much.

When he was little, younger coming up,

I seen a little as a teenager,

but it really, really came out after he got married.

That's when I noticed that everything kicked in.

And it was really bad.

It was a dark time. It was a real dark time.

No matter what he tried to put on or portray,

because I know my son.

He was suffering. He was suffering bad.

It was like life had just went crazy.

And it was so crazy to where it got me

to where... I was, like, stuck.

The anxiety would be there

times ten every day,

but I couldn't--

I couldn't even just sit and let the attack happen.

I had to keep on going while the attack was happening.

I had to keep on going while the depression was happening.

And sometimes, you just don't have the words

or can find the correct words how to communicate correctly.

Yes.

When it was really in those bad, bad, bad moments,

it was almost like I was in prison...

...and I couldn't get out of it.

And I felt that. I felt that.

-Yeah, we felt that. -I felt that.

We knew it.

And I could see, you know, it was getting a little rough.

When he first started going through it,

I wasn't there a lot.

I--I would talk to him.

But I didn't talk to him that much

'cause I was trying to give him the space to let him know

that we're okay and you need to--

you know, you're a man.

You have to do what you have to do,

so we gotta kinda back up.

But I don't ever want y'all to feel like y'all are...

Any move that y'all made

was--was wrong, or y'all feel guilty about any of it

'cause it...

...it wasn't that.

It wasn't y'all.

It was everything else, everybody else around

that was just coming in

to just mess up everything.

Getting caught into certain situations

and not really recognizing you guys back in the days,

you know, not really realizing that a lot of that stuff...

it was--it made a big impact on you guys.

-Very big. -I know it did.

But, you know, we here for you now.

So, you know, I love you.

Whatever you go through, I'm here for you.

Families are an essential part of recovery

for most people,

and a loving family

who can learn and problem solve

is an indispensable resource.

But if you have a family that's open to learning

and open to not shaming you for a vulnerability,

but working alongside of you,

the outcomes you can get are quite remarkable.

It's not, "What's wrong?"

That's not the right question.

It is, "What's happened

to cause that person to have that kind of

persistent or consistent behavior?"

So that--that strap line, whatever you wanna call it...

-Yeah. -...is now embedded in my brain.

-What happened to you? -Whenever something happens.

Whenever--even when I'm on the receiving end

of just hatred and vitriol,

I remem-- I remember that because...

-What happened to you? -What happened to you?

What happened to them?

Because "what happened to you" is not accusatory.

It's a, "Tell me. What--what happened?"

Instead of, "What's wrong with you?"

And I find that it applies to everybody.

The only thing that still to this day makes me cry

six decades into life

is the recognition when I first moved to Milwaukee

from Attala County, Mississippi,

and had never been away from my grandmother before.

And suddenly,

I'm just put in a car

and sent to Milwaukee and told that you--

you won't see your grandmother again.

And now you're gonna be living with your mother--

my mother whom I didn't even know, really.

And--'cause my mother was a part of that great migration

that had gone up north and left the--

left their children with the grandmothers.

My mother was a boarder in this middle class,

very light-skinned,

could pass for a white woman's house.

The first moment I walked in,

instantly, I knew

that she did not like me because the color of my skin.

And that very first night,

she wouldn't let me come in the house.

And there was a little porch foyer

that was exposed to the street,

and I had to sleep out there on a sofa.

And my mother...

who had another child--

it was the first time I met my half sister--

um, did not stand up for me, did not say,

"No, my child has to come in the house."

And in that instant that my mother said,

"Okay then, that's just where you're gonna sleep out here,"

I knew I was alone.

Today on The Oprah Winfrey Show,

we're gonna be reuniting people with their favorite teacher,

some who have not seen each other

for ten, 20, and even 30 years.

But first, I'd like to tell you about my favorite teacher.

You want me to start weeping?

It's my teachers that saved me.

Mary Duncan.

Mrs. Duncan!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Well, if I had had a class full of students like Oprah,

I would've been floating on air.

For so many years in my life,

that's the only place I ever really felt loved.

And it's the reason why, for so many years,

I wanted to be a teacher,

to be able to give to other kids

what my teachers had given to me.

The reason why I love Mrs. Duncan so much

is because she brought out the best in me.

It was the year that I sort of knew that I could be somebody.

I--she just made me feel important,

and I think all children

need to feel a sense of self-worth,

and I always, because of you,

felt like I could take on the world.

Because connection to anybody that cares about you

makes a world of difference.

For me, it was my teachers.

And that's why I know school is so important.

Education can't save you,

but it can relieve you,

and so for me, it was a big relief

and in creating, um...

value and worthiness where I felt none at home.

I felt none.

None.

I brought you all here today to tell you

that you will be a part

of the very first class of the Oprah Winfrey--

In 2007,

I opened the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy

in South Africa

for girls who had the will but not the means.

The first two classes of the school,

they were handpicked by me.

I went to villages and townships

choosing girls who had the fire inside them

to want to do better in their lives.

Ladies and gentlemen, the daughters

of the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls.

But on the very first week of school,

I was noticing strange behaviors

from some of the girls.

It was like, "What's wrong with these girls?

They can't concentrate. They can't focus."

So I call Dr. Bruce Perry,

and he said to me,

"Your kids have trauma.

They have been accustomed to such chaos

that the brain can't handle

to be in a space of calm and nurturing and support."

I didn't understand depression at the time.

We weren't prepared to deal with the trauma

or the mental illness,

the depression, the anxiety.

Every year I go back, and I teach a course called,

"Life 101."

I was using Michael Singer's book,

The Untethered Soul,

and he talks about the thorns that we all carry,

things that happened in your life

that got covered up, that got suppressed,

that you didn't address,

that cause you to get in situations

that you can't figure out how that happened.

It's just that the thorn got rubbed.

So what is the thorn

that needs to be pulled out for you?

The first girl said,

"My thorn is anger.

I have so much anger."

This is a class of 72 girls.

"I have so much anger."

She said, "Because when I was four years old,

I tried to tell my grandmother

that my uncle was messing with me,

and she said, 'Girl, what are you talking about?

He's your uncle.'

She ignored me,

and when I was seven, my uncle raped me."

And she said,

um...

"Every time I go home...

I have to still be with that uncle.

And my grandmother knows.

And there's nothing I can do about it.

And I am so angry."

There's silence because nobody can believe

she's actually said it out loud.

I said, "Well,

you're not the only girl who has that story.

I can bet you you're not the only girl who has that story.

And I would like any other girl in this room...

...who has that story to stand up.

And I want you to stand up for her.

And in standing up for her, you stand up for yourself

because her grandmother did not stand up for her.

Who will stand for her?

But I only want you to stand

if you know what she's talking about

and you have a similar story."

In this classroom of 20--

of 72 girls, 24 girls stood up.

At 9 and 10 and 11 and 12 years old,

I was raped by my 19-year-old cousin.

I didn't know what rape was.

Certainly wasn't aware of the word.

I had no idea what sex was.

I had no--I had no idea--

I had no idea where babies came from.

I didn't even know what was happening to me.

And I kept that secret.

And...

...it's just something I accepted.

That a girl child ain't safe...

...in a world full of men.

You don't get through developmental trauma

unscathed.

You can get through and find your way,

but along the way,

there's definitely going to be pain

and there'll be scars and there'll be challenges.

And I think that this is a really important thing

for people to understand, that everybody

is carrying around something.

Everybody has a burden. We just don't know what it is.

And that's why it's so important

when you do any kind of mental health work

to get to know somebody's story.

The telling of a story,

the being able to say out loud,

"This is what happened to me,"

is crucial.

I don't tell this story for my own self-service,

'cause to be honest, it's hard to tell.

I feel a lot of shame about it.

How do I explain to people that I have privilege,

I've got money, I've got power,

and I'm miserable?

Like, what-- how do you do that?

What I really care about

is I'm not here to tell my story to you

because I want anybody to cry for me.

I'm good...

but open your heart up for somebody else,

because I'm telling you,

I've been through it, and people need help.

So that's part of my healing,

is being able to talk to you.

I'm not afraid anymore...

because I'm not afraid to say,

"Yeah, I do got depression.

Yeah, I do got anxiety.

And I do have those moments

where I don't feel like doing nothing.

And I do have those moments where I get angry

and I get sad and I get overly emotional.

I got all of that.

That's all me right there. I feel every last bit of that.

But guess what. I'm glad I felt that."

I think people that acknowledge their mental health struggles,

they're really like superheroes.

If you've been through something,

that doesn't mean that your kids

or that everybody else has to go through

the same thing that you've been through.

Whoa!

I know that it's my responsibility

and my duty to break that cycle.