Original subtitles

It's not symmetrical.

How about now? Still not great.

I think we're going to run into the similar problem that

none of these trees are perfectly symmetrical.

Why are you arguing with me? I'm not arguing with you,

I just think you're expecting a lot from a tree.

Ooh, ooh, ooh. Oh, my God.

OK, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is beautiful.

OK! It's my tree. Let's get it! Ah!

Excuse me.

Hi, sorry this, um, doesn't seem to have a price tag.

How much is this?

�60.

You what? For a tree? Does it talk?

No.

Icy...

SHE GASPS

Great. So this will never be mine.

Now I know how Tiny Tim feels.

He feels like crap.

OK, come on. You can't do that! OK, shut up. Oh, this is illegal!

No-one should be allowed to own a tree anyway, man.

Oh, my God. You might be right. I know I'm right.

Hiya, hello.

15 just like the...

Says on the thing. Thank you. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Fuck.

I'm straddling the tree, Jesus Christ.

Cos I'm straddling the... It's like up me. OK, come on.

So sweet you're doing this all so early for me.

Well, we had to.

You don't have Christmas in New Zealand.

Yes, we do. Oh.

Yeah, but it's summertime - that's rank.

No, we're having a proper British Christmas

for our poor little orphan girl.

Oh, my God!

You all right?

I think I'm going to die without you.

You won't die.

You will starve if you don't rent out my room.

Ah, well, let me starve!

I'm going to keep it as a shrine, like you're my missing child.

That is the sweetest thing that anyone's ever said to me.

THEY LAUGH

How is this worse now?!

HE CHUCKLES

HE SIGHS

OK, all right, ready. OK, one, two, three.

Ah! Ooh!

OK, read them out, read them out.

"You can run from your mistakes, but the escape is only temporary."

ALL: Ooh!

OK. So, I get them from a customer at work, um,

she uses craft to deal with her anxiety.

That's very creative, very eco. Mm-hm. Oh! "Love is fleeting.

"Loneliness is forever." Hmm. Sure.

Ah, yeah, it's beautiful.

It's actually quite interesting. Life is pain with...

Oh, God, I think... I think this is blood.

Yeah, that's blood. Ian, what did you get?

Just a, uh, just a receipt, I think.

ALL: Ah...

Like materialism, yes! Yeah. That's a symbol. Mm-hm.

OK, uh, who's ready for dessert?

Oh, me! ALL: Yeah! Thank you, Kate.

OK. I might have a little bit more. Got so much turkey!

So have you, uh, packed yet?

I've got all the essentials.

I've got my passport, cash, Steve.

I, uh, forgot to tell you -

I'm actually taking Steve back to New Zealand with me.

I hope you don't mind.

Take him, I don't care.

I don't think she means it.

I think she does. No!

What? I forgot the custard. What the fuck? Oh, no.

That's fine, we don't need it.

No, I can't have any anyway cos I'm vegan.

Not in this house, you're not. Back in a minute.

You can't go out just for custard. Um, yes, I can!

I'm not serving Christmas pudding without custard.

We're not animals.

Ooh, Kate? Yes, Ian?

Uh, could, could you get me a Kinder Bueno?

We're just about to have dessert, babe.

Yeah, it... Yes, sorry. I'm sorry. HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

DOOR CLOSES

I kind of feel like a Kinder Bueno now.

Same! Yes. The white ones are Christmassy.

Said that. Thanks, guys.

DOOR DINGS

Sorry. Sorry.

CHRISTMAS TUNES PLAY OVER SPEAKER

Tom? Tom!

Kate...

Tom!

Yep.

Ah!

I'm not eating those.

Then you're missing out on the best night of your life.

I cannot believe that this is your entire contribution to this party.

You did say bring something fun.

Yeah, I meant like a tiramisu with like a fun pattern

in the cocoa or something.

Then you should've been specific. OK. Next time, I'll know...

..to ask you not to put weed in perfectly good brownies.

They're not even that strong.

I went blind from one for like 40 minutes once.

But I'm a lightweight.

I just don't do too well on drugs.

Last time I had a brownie, I freaked out

and watched Jim Henson funeral videos on YouTube.

Jim Henson's dead?

Look who I bumped into!

Tom Kapoor, the movie star, was at the shops.

Hi.

Oh, hey, dude. Hi, Tom.

Didn't meant to interrupt - again.

Oh, my God, you are not interrupting.

No, no, I invited you.

You're my guest.

Be our guest!

HE CHUCKLES

SHE FAKE LAUGHS

Um, uh, actually we were going to have a cigarette before dessert.

So maybe you could sort that out, Jessie, the dessert.

Yes, yeah. Totally, yeah.

I've actually given up so...

Sorry what? Smoking.

Oh, um, maybe you could start again.

No, uh, I'm actually doing really...

Yeah, I think you want a cigarette - now.

Oh, OK.

Can I get my coat... Cigarette! OK. Lovely.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

Hey, man. Hey.

Uh, Steve.

DOOR CLOSES

Kate didn't say you were doing a whole thing.

No, it's not a whole thing.

It's just like a pre-Christmas Christmas thing for me

before I go home. Oh.

When you going?

Tomorrow morning. Cool.

When you coming back?

No, I'm...

I'm GOING going. Right.

Fuck. That's, uh...

Did you really bump into Kate at the shop,

or are you just stalking me?

Bit of both, maybe.

I was going to call, but I didn't know if you'd answer.

But in hindsight, just turning up is pretty weird.

Maybe. But, you know, you're old.

It's how they did things in the olden days.

The '80s - just show up places. Yeah.

I'm sorry about how things went the last time we saw each other.

No, no, it's fine. It's honestly fine. I can't believe I put you in

that position. I didn't want to... It was so long ago, it doesn't...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too. I'm s...

Yeah, I'm really sorry, cos...

SHE SIGHS

..I said some awful things.

Awful.

But in my defence, I was really hungry.

HE LAUGHS

I was so hungry!

It was...

Those hotel soaps, they are tiny, they're not a full dinner.

Oh, God.

To be honest, they were only appetisers, so...

SHE LAUGHS

Do you want a tea?

Yeah, thanks. Hmm.

SHE SIGHS

I'm going to check if they probably want one, yeah? Yeah, cool.

Oh, my God. Yes? How's it going? How is it?

What'd he say? Is it all right? Good, good, good?

It's fine, it's fine.

Yeah, it's fine. Cool.

It's all good. Yeah.

It's actually really weird, really weird.

Of course it's weird! You need to go back in there.

Your energy is not helping right now.

Also this is your fault.

Uh, it's my fault?

MUFFLED CONVERSATION

Mm!

It's freezing out here.

Does anyone actually have a cigarette? No, I quit.

You need to go back in there and kiss him or something.

Are you nine years old?

He just... I can't just go and kiss him!

Who votes Jessie should try and kiss Tom the movie star?

Hmm.

Uh, I abstain.

Put your hands down right now.

Otherwise, I swear to God, I'll kill you. Kiss now...

Put your fucking hands down right now.

Would you put your hand up?

I d... Put your hands down! Hands up. Well, OK.

What are we doing, then? Looking at a star? Yes.

Put... Jess. There. Well, just look up.

Oh!

Oh, I love a cigarette.

So who wants what? Tea, coffee?

Well, we're all going to head out, actually.

Oh. Yeah.

We actually have another friend's

Christmas drinks we're supposed to be at.

We really can't miss it.

No, we couldn't.

She'd kill us.

She's not well.

So we should really see her.

Before she dies.

God, that's awful.

Um, well I totally understand I sh...I should... No!

Well, Jessie doesn't need to come

because, well, they don't get along.

Oh. No, we don't. So...

Yeah, Jessie didn't donate to her Go Fund Me.

It was a political thing.

It's one of those things, isn't it, you know? Everyone's different.

All right, well, we'll tell you how she is.

OK. So nice to see you, Tom.

I was... Yeah, goodbye. Yeah.

Shot man, awesome, yeah.

So great to see you, man. See you soon.

Uh, sorry. Oh, OK. Whoo.

See them out, I'm going to see them out. Yeah, yeah.

Good luck. Have an amazing time.

Don't ruin it. You're not allowed to take any fruit to New Zealand.

Thanks, guys, thanks, thanks, thanks.

OK, yeah, it's fine. I'll see you at the pub later.

You'd better not.

OK. See ya. Bye.

And a very merry Christmas indeed.

Tom?

HE BREATHES ERRATICALLY

Jessie...

Hey.

I...I don't feel well.

Oh. Oh, whoa!

What the hell...

Are you...? Are you OK, or are you going to throw up?

Yeah, I feel sick. OK come on, come on.

HE GROANS

Is the ceiling falling?

I think the ceiling is falling.

Oh, no. No, it's not. Stop it... No, it's falling!

Here we go, here we go. It's fine. It's... Yeah.

Get you down. Come on, come on, come on.

Here we go. Stop it. I know, it's fine.

It's fine, it's fine. Oh.

Why did you eat it?

I didn't know it had weed in it.

Who does that?

Total legends?

HE GROANS

Listen very carefully. OK. You need to call the ambulance.

Why don't we just wait ten minutes and see how you feel then, OK?

I'll be dead by then. You're not going to be dead, OK?

You don't understand.

No-one has ever felt like this before.

I promise you, I promise you they have, OK?

It's going to be OK.

Why aren't you more upset that I'm going to die?

Because you're not going to die.

You're going to live a long and happy life

and you're going to grow old.

Your grandchildren will be on hoverboards.

You'll be like, "Oh, my gosh, that's so cool, my kids are on hoverboards!"

It's... They're going to look great.

It's going to be fine.

I'm scared. Hey.

Do you trust me?

No.

No, yes.

I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that.

What can I do? What can I do? Anything.

Anything you want me to do, I'll do.

I'm yours, OK? Anything?

Mm-hm.

Seven, eight...

Is this your card? Uh-uh.

Three, four, five and six, seven...

That's not your card? No. It wasn't your card.

So you can wear it like that. Yeah.

You could probably like put both on the side like a little Grecian thing.

SHE GRUNTS No. Leg, leg... No, I don't like it.

It's not working. No, it's not...

You could use this sort of like a scarf. That's nice, actually.

Nine, ooh...

..ten! Jeez.

SHE PANTS

Your pulse is normal.

It's like you're going on like a nice brisk walk, OK?

Where did you learn to do that?

The gym. I got a free trial once, so...

Jessie...

Tom.

..I'm seeing colours.

Same.

They're coming out of your head.

That's normal, I think.

So...

HE GROANS

This isn't how tonight was supposed to go.

Oh. So you had a plan?

Yes.

I have to go back to Ireland for work.

I wanted you to come with me.

I was going to woo you.

Really? Yeah.

And then I had a brownie, and now I'm ruined forever.

HE GROANS

I wanted to see you.

Not just tonight, lots of times,

but I don't know if you wanted to see me.

I like seeing you.

I think about you all the time.

That's very nice.

You are still very high.

I am. Mm-hm. I really am. Hmm.

But I just...

HE SIGHS

..I think that...

I think I might be falling in love with you.

I hate that. Why? Uh, it's ju...

It's like saying, "I almost have an emotion."

I do have an emotion.

No, you are having a mild weed-induced panic attack.

I feel things. Mm-hm. OK? Strong things for you specifically.

Right.

Do you...feel any things for me?

Yes.

Annoyingly yes.

Knew it. Shut up.

Come to Ireland with me. Come to New Zealand with me.

No, don't leave.

Stay here.

Come to Ireland.

I made a plan.

I can't.

Why?

We hardly know each other, you know.

What? Yeah, we do.

How old am I?

29. GASPS: 28!

Oh, OK, well, um, I know your parents' names.

David and Liz.

Hmm. See?

It's creepy.

Hmm...

I don't think it should be this hard to be with someone.

What do you mean?

Well, I don't know if you know this, but you are incredibly famous.

Thank you. That wasn't a compliment.

Go on a date with me.

I'm on a plane tomorrow.

Oh, I know.

So what do we do?

Dunno.

Be friends?

Can I kiss you before we become friends?

Absolutely not.

Why? Because you're still high and I'm a gentleman.

You know, you probably won't even remember this in the morning.

I will.

ALARM BEEPS

SHE GROANS

SHE YAWNS

FLOORBOARDS CREAK

Morning.

Morning.

Thanks.

Cheers, pal.

You're welcome, friend.

I'm sorry for trying to put drugs in your bag.

SHE LAUGHS

I was hoping they'd detain you or something.

It's really sweet, so sweet.

SIGHS: Well, see you soon.

Right, you're welcome here any time, Tom.

Thanks, Kate.

I've actually got a room going spare if you're keen, so...

I'll bear that in mind.

DOOR CLOSES

How are you getting there? Bus for a bit and then, um, train.

I'll help you at least to the bus stop.

You don't have to do that. No, no, course I will.

Thanks.

I... I can come a bit of the way.

Yeah.

OK.

BELL DINGS

Is this you?

Mm-hm, yeah.

TANNOY: This stop is Charing Cross station.

Change here for services to Heathrow terminals one,

two and three.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0