Original subtitles

♫ When I see you there

♫ Lost in a magazine

♫ Every day the same old same

♫ I think about the early days

♫ When you were all over me

♫ Now we hardly kiss

♫ Where are we

♫ I tried to understand

♫ But you're too far away

♫ Floating in the stars

♫ Night and day

♫ Your body is here

♫ But your mind is high above

♫ I want you to be near me my love

♫ Oh Lydia, come back to me before it's too late

♫ Oh Lydia

♫ Don't let the love turn into hate

♫ Listen to me my love

♫ I'm a man, I have needs

♫ Oh Lydia, come back please

- Goddamn.

The neighbors are rolling again.

- Those people are so sick.

Harry look, look at this.

Another UFO sighting.

It says they are trying to establish a contact with us,

do you know that?

- So why don't they land on the parking lot of NASA?

- Let's not start this again please.

I'm really not in the mood for your cosmic snobbery tonight.

What are you doing?

- I'm turning you on.

- This is what turns me on honey.

- When was the last time we made love?

- Four months ago.

But I'm busy right now.

- The whole world is screwing.

But Harry Smith, ain't.

- Ouch, stupid stump.

- Is that you Meg?

- No, it's E.T.

Got a minute, I wanna show you something?

- Yeah come in.

- Tada!

Drives my Victor wild.

What do you think.

- Does the word subtle mean anything to you?

- Oh hi Harry.

- Hi gorgeous, high heels.

First thing in the morning?

- That's my second thing.

- Oh, what's your first thing?

Bumping uglies?

- You bet sweetheart, I can see you're in a great mood

today, what did you do, sleep in a tree?

- A saucer ran into my bedroom kept me up all night.

- Meg, how can you make love every single day?

- Twice a day.

- Pardon me, twice a day, God.

- It's fine, one day I'm gonna die screwing.

- And don't forget the high heels,

five inches no less.

- Hey let me tell you something, women who don't wear

high heels, ain't no women, those are females.

- Look, what I found in this article.

An extraterrestrial woman took an American Senator

on her spaceship.

Oh perhaps this one is more for you, she had sex with him.

- Sex with a Senator, what a broad.

Well why didn't she do an astronaut, I mean,

they've got space training.

- This is so fascinating.

- What are you staring at Harry?

- One of these days, I'm gonna grab those magazines

and ram them into the fireplace.

- You better watch it dear, because while Senators

are screwing aliens, your Harry just might start screwing

some local bimbo.

- My Harry?

I think not.

- Don't flatter yourself.

- Oh Meg please.

My Harry, no way, pfft.

- Let me tell you, that club of yours in Hollywood

has 1,000 ways.

- I'm scared, I gotta get dressed.

There's 1,000 ways?

- Okay uhm, I gotta go now.

- Because she abducted the Senator.

- What?

- Abducted, kidnapped, it's happened to lots of people.

- Oh I see, damn aliens.

Why are they abducting humans?

- Research, they're studying us, you know they can

rip your body apart, put it back together,

drop you back on Earth, and nobody would ever tell.

It's amazing.

- I'd sue.

- Oh this girl from the ad is coming in today

around 12 o'clock, she has funny name, I forgot.

But she'll be here at 12.

♫ Something is in his eyes

♫ They glow and galvanize

♫ There's a single beam, it makes me scream for sex

♫ Didn't move from his place

♫ So I could see it on his face

♫ He is inside, it's a bonafide perplex

♫ Wow

♫ He's got the power in his glowing eyes

♫ He's melted me like the sun melts ice

♫ If he looks at you then you'll be next

♫ Get ready for the wild sex

♫ I never felt this way before

♫ He's gone all the way to my core

♫ I'm coming soon, it's a monsoon, wild sex

- Hey, hey, hey.

How's it going man.

- The usual.

- Thank you Harry.

- So how's the balloon business?

- Excellent, excellent, I just bought a new one,

huge black sucker.

I named it Satan.

Tourists are gonna love it.

How's Olivia?

Still hooked on the UFOs?

- Still hooked on the UFOs.

- That's bad, that's bad.

How are things in the bedroom?

Ice on the rocks.

You know something Harry, most women don't wanna have sex,

they wanna have rights, that's why most men end up having

affairs.

- Forget about affairs, Olivia lives with me

and she works with me, no way.

- I'm telling ya Harry, a lack of affairs is gonna

ruin your marriage, you're either gonna end up

with a mistress, or a shrink.

♫ Tell me what you want, tell me what you need

♫ Tell me what you wanna do

♫ I'll give you anything that you want

♫ If you want me to

♫ Tell me what you want, tell me what you need

♫ Tell me what you wanna do

- Representative of God.

- She must be here for the job opening.

♫ You look so fine

♫ Oh, oh, oh, oh

♫ Oh yeah, won't you be mine

♫ Tell me what you want, tell me what you need

♫ Tell me what you wanna do

♫ I'll give you everything that you want

♫ If you want me to

♫ Tell me what you want, tell me what you need

♫ Tell me what you wanna do

♫ I'll give you everything that you want

♫ If you want me to

♫ Tell me what you want, tell me what you need

♫ Tell me what you wanna do

♫ I'll give you everything that you want

♫ If you want me to

♫ Tell me what you want, tell me what you need

♫ Tell me what you wanna do

♫ I'll give you everything that you want

♫ If you want me to

♫ Hmm, baby

♫ Now tell me what you want, yeah

♫ Tell me what you want, tell me what you need

♫ Tell me what you wanna do

♫ I'll give you everything that you want

♫ If you want me to

♫ Tell me what you want, tell me what you need

♫ Tell me what you wanna do

♫ I'll give you everything that you want

♫ If you want me to

- Double vodka please.

♫ Tell me what you want, tell me what you need

♫ Tell me what you wanna do

♫ I'll give you everything that you want

♫ If you want me to

♫ Tell me what you want, tell me what you need

♫ Tell me what you wanna do

♫ I'll give you everything that you want

♫ If you want me to

- Straight up please.

♫ I'll give you everything that you want

♫ If you want me to

♫ Tell me what you want, tell me what you need

♫ Tell me what you wanna do

♫ I'll give you everything that you want

♫ If you want me to

♫ Tell me what you want, tell me what you need

♫ Tell me what you wanna do

♫ I'll give you everything that you want

♫ If you want me to

♫ Tell me what you want, tell me what you need

♫ Tell me what you wanna do

♫ I'll give you everything that you want

♫ If you want me to

♫ Tell me what you want, tell me what you need

- Another one?

- No thanks.

Are you the boss?

- I'm half the boss.

My wife's the other half.

- That's cute, so kind of a family business huh?

- Family values are a top priority in this bar.

So, what's your name?

- Thousand Ways.

- Excuse me, what kind of name is that?

- It's a song, and the name of the song

is A Thousand Ways To Have Affairs.

- Cute, what's your real name?

- Two Thousand Ways.

- Cuter.

- Gabriela Skratinova.

- Say what?

- Gabriela Skratinova, it's Russian.

But I'd rather use Thousand Ways.

- Very interesting.

You're hired.

- Sure, do I need to start right now?

- Sign up with my wife first, her name's No Way.

Actually it's Olivia, you'll find her backstage.

- Where's the backstage?

- Over there.

- Ashtray?

Thank you.

- God.

- You just deployed an angel.

- So it's D-L-O-V-N-A, Swedlovna.

- Uhuh, yeah.

- And Gabriela Skratinova.

So I came two years ago, in Hollywood, I'm from Russia,

and this is my Social Security number.

- Russia, how interesting, I hear they have a lot of

extraterrestrial spaceship sightings over there.

- Oh yeah.

Yeah, especially they've got this,

the freedom from the press, yeah.

- Absolutely.

- Nice dress.

- Thank you.

Okay it works like this here.

As well as dancing you must also wait on the tables,

and our club is very clean, so you must have a decent show.

- Right. - Valued businessmen, okay?

- I do.

- Okay, let me see you figure please.

Lovely.

You must do aerobics.

- Sex, how about you?

- We can have, we can talk about that later okay?

- Yeah sure.

- Okay let me see your show, I'm ready to see you on stage.

- Can I use a mask?

- Excuse me?

- A mask.

- Oh sure, sure, go ahead.

- Okay, thanks.

♫ I got the moves that boils the blood

♫ And wicked ways to make you scream and shout

♫ My sex appeal is not from the air

♫ But due to you, things you dream about

♫ I've got 1,000 ways, one zero zero zero ways

♫ To have affairs

♫ My name is Thousand Ways, one zero zero zero ways

♫ So be aware

♫ I'm in my groove, if you know what I mean

♫ So come to me, unload your magazine

♫ You want me there, between your bedroom eyes

♫ And like to do some lovely exercise

♫ I've got 1,000 ways, one zero zero zero ways

♫ To have affairs

♫ My name is Thousand Ways, one zero zero zero ways

♫ So be aware

♫ Come on now

- I think she likes you.

- No she's fooling around Sam, forget it.

- Oh, you don't want her?

- I didn't say that.

- So you do want her?

- I didn't say that either.

- I got an idea.

This will work Harry, Olivia will never know.

- You're nuts.

- This is gonna work.

- I'd never cheat! - Harry trust me!

- I'd never cheat on Olivia, never.

N-E-V-E-R, never.

What's your idea?

- All right I gotta do something talking first.

I gotta give this babe some Hollywood bullshit,

she's never had anything like this in Russia.

- Come in.

- Smashing performance sweetheart.

Woo, you Russians got no match when it comes to dance.

I'm speechless .

Congratulations.

You are so gorgeous, I could drink your bathwater, hmm!

You must be a Libra, hah.

- Capricorn.

- Capricorn, Capricorn, one very artistic sign as well,

you wanna be an actress?

- Maybe.

- I knew it, I knew it.

I am a Hollywood movie producer, Samuel Norton,

you can call me Sammy.

- Hi Sammy.

- I must admit, you got overwhelming talent sweetheart.

Poetry in motion, hmm!

Yeah, you could be hotter than the sun.

No question about it.

I thought to myself, you know, I'm looking at God herself.

Baryshnikov ain't got nothing on you baby.

- Oh, is that right?

- That's right, that's right,

you can bet your whole Mother Russia on that one.

I could make you a movie star in one day.

- Really?

You know, this Communist bullshit, it didn't do anything

to me but this Hollywood bullshit, it just makes me sick.

- Wait a second here, I'm talking parts in movies.

- Ah, now see I don't fuck for parts in the movies.

You know what, why don't you cut the crap huh?

Is there anything else that I can do for you?

- All right, all right.

We'll cut the crap.

- Good.

- There's a very close friend of mine who needs some

special attention.

- Well I charge 100 bucks just to shake hands.

- Whew, he needs more than a handshake.

- No kidding?

Okay, and the rest is negio, negio, negiosh?

- Negotiable?

- Negotiable?

- Negotiable.

- Yeah thanks. - Negotiable.

- So first, I must like the man.

And second I'm not sure if I like you.

- That's cool, you don't have to like me,

you just have to work with me.

- Is the man in the question my boss?

- You do have special talents.

- And he is also a movie producer?

- No, he's a normal guy.

- Good, so then we can talk.

♫ Dancing for a living, keep my body into shape

♫ And the way I'm making it is tax free

♫ I travel with a secretary, I'm her favorite

♫ And the profits are all for me

♫ Dancing for a living, keep my body into shape

♫ And the way I'm making it is tax free

- Sam stop chasing my girls around.

- You are gorgeous.

- Quit invading my space, go!

- Everything's taken care of.

How do you spend your evenings, I mean, usually.

- Sitting by the pool with a drink or two,

listening to my neighbors moaning.

They bang a lot, I mean a lot.

Why?

- Just be there, you'll see.

- I can't believe it, oh my God.

I can't believe it!

Holy shit!

Unbelievable, unreal.

Oh my God.

Meg!

Victor, wake up, just for a minute.

- Ah, what's up baby?

- A UFO.

An extraterrestrial aircraft abducted Harry.

- Who?

- Read my lips, an Unidentified Flying Object

abducted Harry.

- My UFO is abducting you.

This balloon kicks ass Harry.

I didn't name it Satan for nothing.

♫ Flying high in the morning sky

♫ Where the eagles soar

♫ , when I take you down

♫ I've got to go

♫ Thousand Ways is waiting for you

♫ Waiting to give you the night of your life

- Ah...

Just what the doctor ordered.

- I can't believe I'm doing this.

- You better believe it man, Thousand Ways is waiting

for you ass baby, ah?

- What did she say?

- She wants you, you son of a bitch.

Oh if such a babe wanted me, I wouldn't be taking

no balloon, I'd rent the Space Shuttle, phew!

I'm gonna land you right on her balcony,

Romeo and Juliet in the Space Age.

God I love this stuff.

- It landed right there, in absolute silence.

I mean silence.

I could even hear the crickets.

And look see, there's no traces left whatsoever,

that's 'cause they use anti-gravity principle.

- Pfft, of course.

Who are they?

- The aliens.

- Aliens?

- Yes.

- Not good, not good.

- God, wow, God knows where they could drop him off.

- You should call the police.

- Duh.

- Yeah right, on what ground?

Hi this is Mrs. Smith calling, my husband's

just been abducted by aliens, but see they've left

no traces whatsoever, so why don't you come on over

and check it out, I don't think so.

- You should call the police, they have very good training.

- That's true.

- Oh, oh.

- Look, he didn't finish his drink.

Now I know he's been kidnapped.

You better call 411.

I mean 911, 911.

- My husband was abducted by

an Unidentified Flying Object.

- Are you sure Ma'am?

- Yes you heard me, abducted by

an Unidentified Flying Object, yes.

- Are you sure Ma'am it was

not an unidentified car?

- No car officer, an Unidentified Flying Object,

it landed in my backyard, I saw it myself.

It made no noise whatsoever, and just came

and kidnapped my husband.

- Yeah he didn't finish his drink.

- All right all right, we'll dispatch

a detective over first thing in the morning.

- Okay officer can you do me a favor and send an expert?

- Will do Ma'am, all our detectives are experts.

- Great, all right thank you.

- Are they gonna send police officers?

- Yes in the morning.

- Why not right away?

- It's 2 a.m. Meg.

- So, so Olivia your husband is missing.

- I know, but what am I supposed to do?

I can't imagine Harry's picture on a carton of milk.

- Don't bullshit her or you'll blow it.

She's a Capricorn, she told me she charges 100 bucks

just to shake hands.

- Must be one hell of a handshake.

- Let me know, good luck, have fun.

- Thanks Sam.

- Wow, my boss.

Arriving in a balloon, that's so romantic.

- Hi Thousand Ways.

- Hi.

- Damn, I can't get used to that name.

- Well you can call me, sweetheart, sweetheart, yes.

- Sweetheart, sweetheart. - Yes, hi.

- Hi oh this must be one expensive handshake huh sweetheart?

- You know your friend is a bozo, okay?

I just said that to make a point, nothing else.

So please, come in.

- Oh, uh, are we having champagne.

- Well you know, don't be disappointed but I'm not

used to get there right away, so uhm.

- Oh I didn't mean it that way, really.

It's uh, you know, great.

- Yeah help yourself.

- I love champagne.

- That's great, great.

- Yes, great stuff.

- Yeah it is.

So?

How long haven't you had sex?

- I can't remember the last time I had sex.

- I can tell.

Well what's wrong with your wife huh?

- Oh uh, well she thinks the bed doesn't represent

traditional values like love, marriage and flying saucers.

- Oh that's the UFO junk.

Or the jonk?

- UFO junkie.

- Junkie, junkie. - Yeah that's her all right.

- So, no sex in the family huh?

- No sex in the family.

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

- She better do something about it though.

- Huh?

- Because otherwise you might be flying your ass off huh?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Let's go to my bedroom huh?

- I thought you said you're not used to getting laid

on your first date?

- I changed my mind.

- How come?

- I just love.

Screwing with my bosses.

- Ouch, when is Harry gonna move this damn stump.

Oh oh, no more Harry.

- Come in Meg.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Did you have your coffee yet this morning?

- No, did you have your intercourse this morning?

- No, I am so sure, Victor and I were so upset

and so worried about Harry that we decided

to skip it this morning.

- Listen don't let Harry's abduction mess up your sex life.

- Well, what does the big book say?

Are they gonna drop him off in the backyard

where they picked him up?

The Aliens I mean.

- Meg, what do you think, they're UPS or something?

Harry will never know what happened to him,

they may just drop him off in any country,

- When do the police officers get here?

- Not the police officers Meg, detectives, detectives.

- Detectives?

- Yes.

- Well!

- That's them.

- How do I look.

- Ready to party.

- Hi.

- Hi, Detective Blackwood, LAPD.

- Where are the others?

- This is it Ma'am, can I come in?

- It happened right over here my husband was having a drink.

- Over here?

- Yeah.

- Was he sitting here Ma'am?

- Yes he was sitting there.

- Flying saucers huh?

- Yeah, Unidentified Flying Objects actually.

- Hmm.

- My husband was having a drink right over there,

and a very powerfully lit object, I repeat,

a very powerfully lit object landed making no...

Making no noise whatsoever, and abducted my husband.

- Ma'am, I have a very serious problem with that.

- Well it seriously happened, sir I was right over there.

- Over where?

- Right over here, I saw the whole thing.

Right over here, right in front of me, I sat over there.

- UFOs huh?

- Yeah, yeah, I've been studying the matter

for quite some time you know.

- Well I, haven't studied the matter but it seems like

your husband was picked up by some unidentified friend

and let's say they went fishing or something.

- Oh what are you driving at Detective?

- How was your relationship with your husband Ma'am?

- Oh spare me I didn't ask for a shrink,

I asked for a detective.

Harry, oh God, Harry it's so good to see you,

I was so worried, what did they do to you?

Come on you need to rest.

Hi Harry, how are you?

- Great, hey what's going on?

- I already have a strategy for you, first we're gonna

go and get regressive hypnosis treatment

so we can uncover the events that happened to you last night

second we're gonna go and find all the other people

who've had the same UFO experiences--

- Hold it.

- That way you can talk and understand--

- Hold it, hold it!

Who is this guy?

- Detective Blackwood, LAPD.

Your wife claims that you were abducted by a UFO last night.

- UFO?

I told you there are no UFOs.

- No shit Harry, you have xenophobia.

- Well what did happen to you last night Mr. Smith?

- I had an affair.

- Oopsie.

- Sorry, listen, I didn't mean to be a home-wrecker.

- You had an affair?

- Yeah, a cheerful and pointless sexual encounter.

I spent the night with another woman.

- Oh, what woman?

- A pretty woman.

- You had an affair with a pretty woman?

- Yes, I did.

- Hmm, you wish you did, oh God.

Harry wake up, wake up, you were abducted last night

by aliens, right in my backyard, I saw the whole thing.

You are having such wishful hallucinations.

- Really?

- Yeah, God I mean your memory is just wiped out,

gone, blank, kaput!

- I thought I had an affair.

- Oh God those aliens are playing tricks on you.

- You are a lucky man Mr. Smith.

- Thanks for coming Detective Freud.

Your time is up.

- Yeah, sure.

- Well, two's company, three's a crowd.

You know, this UFO thing has just messed everything up.

- Did you see it, this UFO thing?

- Uh no, I mean, to abduct a man from his own backyard,

it's amazing.

- It's very amazing.

- We should talk about this, would you like to come over

for some coffee, I live right next door.

- Don't drink coffee.

- How about some tea?

- Don't drink tea either?

- Soda?

- Don't even drink soda.

- How about some V8 with a sprinkle of vodka?

- I don't drink vegetables, and definitely no alcohol.

- So you don't drink nothing?

- Do I have to drink something to go to bed with you?

- Uhm, uh, no, no, we can do it in the pool,

my husband's at work.

- I figured that out.

- You're a real good detective.

- I have a friend who knows a hypnotist,

who says this guy is the best, he's gonna show you

the real picture.

- Olivia darling, let me show you the real picture.

It's called I love you, and want you badly.

- Slow down Romeo, you were abducted by aliens last night

Harry, you've gotta get some treatment.

- This is the best treatment I know

against alien abductions.

- No, no, no, no, no.

I suggest you sign up in Abductees Anonymous.

- I suggest you sign up.

I've got a bar to run.

♫ My love

♫ I love only you

♫ I've tried to be

♫ Without you

♫ Sometimes I feel unwanted

♫ Sometimes I need a woman

- It has happened.

♫ Like you

♫ My love

♫ I love you

♫ Oh yes I do

- How did it go?

- Great.

- All right.

How's Olivia?

- I told her the truth, I'm having an affair.

- What, Harry what are you doing?

- Hey, hey wait a minute, no wait!

- You can't do that.

- Wait, I pulled it off.

- What do you mean?

- She's dead sure I was abducted by an alien.

Yeah.

- In this great land of opportunity of ours

you never know what you can get away with,

until you try it man.

- Wait a minute.

Here's a bonus for Thousand Ways.

- What can I get you Sam?

- You can uh, get closer with your gluteus maximus.

- With what, gluteus max, what is that?

Maximus?

- Your cash register baby.

A little gift from Harry, a little bonus.

- Oh that was fast.

Listen I wanna see him again.

- You like the money huh?

- Wrong, I didn't do it for the money,

I just got this handicap, I love screwing with my bosses.

- You can get well ahead with a handicap like that.

- Pure sex, pure sex.

I just keep my body in shape, and uh,

I consider it aerobics.

- All right.

- Okay, I gotta go, thanks, bye bye.

- Aerobics huh?

That's great.

♫ Yes I do, my love

- Harry, you wanna fly again?

- My budget's getting kinda lean.

- No cash involved.

She considers it aerobics.

- Aerobics?

I'll consider it aerobics too.

- You know there's one thing I don't understand Harry.

If you guys are doing all of this aerobics,

why do I feel like a pimp?

- Because you are a fucking pimp.

And you love flying UFOs.

- Oh I'll tell ya, I am getting into this.

I'll pick you up, 1 a.m. sharp.

- Olivia honey, please, let's make love tonight.

- Harry can't you think about something else?

- Like what?

- Like maybe learning more about

what happened here last night?

- I know what happened last night.

- No you don't.

- Yes I do.

- No you don't!

- Yes I do - Don't!

- Do! - Don't!

- Did it ever occur to you that your addiction to UFOs

may be the reason why I was taken for a ride yesterday?

- It's not an addiction honey, it's not -ism like UFO-ism.

It's a research.

- Research of what?

- Extraterrestrial civilizations visiting Earth.

- Visiting your head!

- Harry they do exist.

You are so ethnocentric.

- Of course they exist, no question about it.

What I mean to say is, that your research,

is drawing alien spacecraft

into our backyard like a magnet.

- What magnet?

- Go figure, what if these UFOs

come here again tonight?

- It's impossible, they never abduct the same

human being twice, ever.

- Oh yeah?

- Yeah, yeah!

- Oh, well, what if they amended the rule

and didn't let you know about it?

- What do you know about it anyway?

You have a severe case of alien ignorance.

- So it's saucer-safe out here.

Okay, I'm out, .

- What does that mean?

- Russian, for good night.

- They did it again?

Holy shit, they did it again.

Meg?

Megan!

They did it again.

- What?

- The aliens abducted Harry again.

- Bastards.

- The span between those two specimens is 19 centuries.

These human creatures look all the same.

- Why do they dress like that?

- They want to impress their females.

♫ You're the only one I know

♫ And baby do it all night long

♫ You know my body, like nobody

♫ And you penetrate my soul

♫ The sex with you is beyond compare

♫ Oh you make me feel, you make me share

♫ Do you know I like it

- That guy must be an actor.

- Going to Hollywood?

- No we're going to Cleveland.

Get in.

- Thank you.

- So what happened, crew leave you behind?

- I'm not an actor.

- Yeah so uh, how'd you get the outfit?

- Your guess is as good as mine.

- Interesting.

- Tell me about it.

- God!

How did you do that?

- Do what?

- You were inside of me.

- Say what?

- Say what!

- Yeah baby, yeah, you, you were inside of me.

- What did you do to my lady?

- I don't know.

- What did you do to my lady?

- You tell me, you were closer.

- You raped my lady!

- I raped your lady?

- You raped my lady!

- Sounds to me like she raped herself.

- What?

- You are a dead man.

- Hey, hey.

I didn't even touch her.

- Wait a minute, he's right.

He didn't touch me.

- Did you just get off?

- Yeah with a, yeah with a fantasy.

- Fantasies are good for humans, they get off on them.

- Get the hell outta my car, get the hell outta my car

before I kill you.

What the hell are you doing?

- I didn't do anything.

- The hell you didn't, didn't you just get off?

- What are you talking abut, you saw me!

- I saw you get off in the car with him.

- Oh well, maybe because he took better care of me.

- Well it looks like you can take of yourself huh?

- You saw what I was doing.

- I saw you come in the car.

- Hey!

- I told you I didn't touch her!

- I don't know what this stuff was all right?

- I don't either...

- Hi, would you mind giving me a lift?

What's the matter?

- Well, are you filming around here?

- I'm not an actor.

- I see so uhm, what's with the outfit?

- I don't know, I woke up in the desert,

must've had one drink too many you know, total blackout.

Hey, you need some help?

- Sure, why don't you put the flat in the trunk?

- Sure thing.

- You look like Caligula.

- Tell me about it.

- Hey, what are you doing?

Oh hey.

Oh God.

Oh Caligula, yes.

Hmm-mm, right, there, Caligula, yes, uhuh, right there.

Right there, oh!

Oh yes, yes!

Oh yes!

- Something wrong?

Are you okay?

- Yeah, yeah.

How did you do that?

- Do what?

- How did you make love to me?

- Are you sure?

- I had an orgasm.

How did you make love to me Caligula.

- The name's Harry.

Was it good?

- Yeah, unbelievable.

How did you do it Harry?

- I don't know, I just looked at you.

I mean you are gorgeous.

Then I concentrated and, that's it.

I mean your guess is as good as mine.

- You just concentrated.

- Just concentrated.

- You just concentrated?

- Just, concentrated.

I didn't offend you did I?

- No, no no no.

An orgasm a day keeps the shrink away.

Where are you headed?

- Hollywood.

- All right get in.

- Thanks.

- Harry?

- Yeah?

- Look at me.

- What's wrong?

- Do you think you could uhm,

concentrate again before we get going?

- Concentrate?

- Concentrate.

- Yeah sure, I'll try.

This car's kinda small, uh, sure you'd be comfortable?

- You just do your thing.

I'll accommodate you.

- Well, those pesky aliens did it again.

- Harry, I'm making you some very strong coffee.

Stop it, can't you see I'm busy.

Oh ask me first.

Oh God not now, oh yeah!

No, not from behind.

Please be courteous, oh God, oh yeah,

son of a bitch, all right, put it right there,

right there, yes, yes.

Oh yeah, oh, oh yeah.

Oh yes, yes right here.

Oh, oh yeah, yeah.

Oh my God, oh my God do that more often.

Please do that more often.

Hmm God more often yes!

- How was it?

- It was okay, it was okay.

It was okay.

How did you do that Harry?

- Do what?

- Don't give me that innocent face.

Spare me, you just made love to me.

- So how was it, after four months?

- It was good, I told you, it was very, very good.

How'd you do that?

How'd you make love to me?

- Me?

- Yeah.

- To you?

- Yeah!

- Nah, you did it to yourself.

- Oh wait, wait, let me get this straight.

So what you're saying is, is that I did this to myself?

So what you're saying is that I was masturbating?

That's what you're saying?

Goddamn son of a bitch Harry, how did you do this,

how did you make love to me?

- You tell me, you were closer.

- Bullshit.

Oh wow.

- What happened?

- I just had the most unbelievable fantasy.

- Fantasies are good for humans, they get off on them.

- Yeah, yeah yeah, wait, where did you get that from?

That sounds really familiar.

- I don't know.

- That phrase rings a bell, I'm gonna look it up

in my magazine.

Fantasies are good for humans.

- Olivia we're gonna be late for work.

- Okay, I'll do it later.

But by the way Harry, I've never masturbated in my life.

- Yeah well try to remember when you were young

and curious.

- Do you mind, I am still young,

I'm just not curious anymore.

- I know.

♫ I never felt this way before

♫ He's gone all the way to my core

♫ I'm coming soon, it's a monsoon

♫ Wild sex

♫ Can't you see it in his eyes

♫ It's an alien in disguise

♫ He is in control, he's doing it all

♫ Wild sex

♫ Wild sex

♫ Wild, wild sex

♫ Anyone who goes through this kind of loving

♫ Never ever'll be the same

♫ Looks like just

- You sure you didn't pick me up?

- I told you I didn't.

Is the pope Catholic, the balloon broke down,

I told you that.

- You didn't pick me up?

- Why do you keep asking me that Harry?

- I woke up in the desert Sam, dressed in Roman armor,

sandals and sword, I'm talking full gear.

- No shit?

- No shit, I have it my living room.

- And you don't remember a thing?

- Total blackout.

- Blackout, blackouts are the worst.

I'm sure Thousand Ways was disappointed.

No aerobics.

- Sam, do me a favor.

- What?

- Watch this, okay?

- What do you mean.

- Trust me, just watch this and check out what happens.

- What are you talking about?

Wow.

Oh dude.

Wow.

Oh!

Mother!

- What did you see Sam?

- A miracle, forget the bar Harry, you could open a church.

- You are so disgusting I can't believe

I share this planet with you?

- Excuse me, yes, yes, that was for the performance.

And this is for the location.

How did he do that?

- I don't know, he did it to me first, on my kitchen

floor this morning.

- How was it?

- Did you teach him how to do this?

- Ladies, if I knew how to do that, I wouldn't be here,

I'd be at the Miss America pageant.

No one, come on.

- Damn this sucks.

- You have got to tell me how you do them

long distance like that pal.

- I don't know, I just focus in on a good looking babe,

she gets off.

- Harry, I've been focusing on good looking babes

since I was 12 and nothing like that ever happened to me.

- Where did she put the phone book?

- Now what is it, come on?

- Sam, I get these fantasies.

It's sort of like a, like a brain flash.

A neurologist.

That's the ticket.

- Hi there.

- Hi.

- Say hello Harry.

- She's a very young girl Sam, I could go to jail for this.

- Excuse me, who are you?

- Uh, we have an appointment, Harry Smith.

- Oh God, yeah I'm so sorry, I apologize,

we had a little emergency, one of our patients,

he went nuts and my father had to take him to the hospital.

- Yeah well we have an emergency too, let's get

another doctor, come on Sam.

- Hey, hey wait a minute, what's his problem?

- Whoa, whoa, all right, uh every babe he looks at

has an orgasm.

- Oh really, and how does he do that?

- Uh, I don't know, I wish I did.

- Well let me look at him, maybe I can help.

- No uh, how old are you?

- 19.

- 19 Harry.

- 19?

- Yeah 19.

Wow.

Oh my.

- Are you, how was that?

- Well.

First of all, I'm a virgin.

- I thought you said you were 19.

- How did he do that?

That's ridiculous, scientifically it's impossible,

there's no way, it, it has to be some sort of telepathy.

- Telepathy.

- Yeah.

- That's it, telepathy.

Well, can you help us?

- Well I can examine him, follow me into the lab.

Come on Harry.

- Sit him in that chair right over there, okay?

- That one over there?

- Yeah.

- All right.

There you go Harry.

- Okay.

Now Harry, put your head back.

Don't use your mind on me unless I tell you to, okay?

Just be a gentleman.

- Well I'm afraid you're gonna have an orgasm.

- Just because I'm a virgin doesn't mean

I don't know what an orgasm is.

- Yeah well it's one thing to read it out of books

and it's another thing to really--

- I didn't say that I knew it from books.

Excuse me, but I'm very particular when it comes

to the audience of my orgasms.

Okay Dirty Harry go ahead, make my day.

- You done?

Well it was good for me, was it good for you?

- You're disgusting.

Let me get the reading.

Wow, the activity in your reproduction center,

it's awesome, 200,000 units.

- 200,000 units, what's that?

- It mean's you're a sex machine is what it means.

- Shut up Sam!

What does it mean?

- Well I don't know, but I know that's it a lot.

Are you married?

- Yeah.

- Oh well what did your wife think about this?

- She slapped me in the face.

- She didn't like it?

- She wasn't the only one that didn't like it.

- Oh well, that's bad.

Look, what I think we can do is fix you up with

a special helmet, can you go into that drawer right there,

there's the helmet right in there.

- Wow.

- Great, thanks.

This is only temporary until we look into this thing

further, what this will do, is absorb any of the bio

impulses emitted from your brain, okay?

- Hmm-mm.

- Let's get you strapped in.

Okay.

- Can I look at you?

- Yeah go ahead.

- Ain't science a bitch.

- Hey good job.

- Thank you very much.

- Very nice.

- Chill Sam.

- Chill Sam, you know scientifically

you are really a very valuable man.

- Scientifically, you're the hottest chick I ever had.

- No, no, you didn't have me.

- Scientifically not.

But you got off.

- No, no, no, that was just like some kind

of fantasy or something.

- Well as the say, fantasies are good for humans,

they get off on them.

- Who says that?

- I don't know, but it's a good saying.

- Oh, is that your neighbor?

- Hmm-mm.

- Well focus on her, focus on her.

- Nothing happens.

- I guess that helmet really works huh?

- Hmm-mm.

- Hmm, smashing derriere on that babe.

You sure you don't wanna take the helmet off?

- Positive.

- Not even for a quickie?

- Forget it Sam, I would never cheat with

my neighbor, never.

N-E-V-E-R, never.

Hi Meg.

- Hi Harry.

I'm doing your job.

- I can see, hey how was your first thing in the morning?

- It was all right, I had better.

What's that thing on your head?

- Oh, this is sort of a high tech condom.

- A what?

Oh Harry!

Oh, oh Harry!

What was that?

- A quickie.

- Phew, do you have any longies?

- Out of stock gorgeous, Olivia would kick my butt.

- Bye Harry.

- I'm over here.

Hey.

- What'cha doing?

- Doing my homework?

Is this the helmet that the doctor came up with?

- Actually it was the doctor's daughter she did a great job.

- She did huh?

- Hmm-mm.

- And what did you do to her?

- Well, the girl took it, scientifically.

- Poor child, I can imagine what she must've gone through.

You are such a pervert Harry.

- She said she liked it.

- Did she, did she really? - Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, yeah? - Yeah.

- The little bitch.

- Very bitter.

- Look do me a favor, don't take the helmet off,

because I don't wanna get laid by your imagination again.

- My imagination.

- Yes, I found out in my files that you suffer

from a very strong sexual hunger.

- So?

- So I'm gonna take care of you right now.

Yeah, just sit back and relax.

You can take your helmet off.

- Am I cured?

- Your sexual hunger is gone.

- Forever?

- For a few days.

- Oh, okay, for a few days.

Then what?

- Then I'm gonna make love to you again,

and you'll be all right for a few days.

- Hmm, that's healthy, then what?

- And then I'm gonna make love to you again,

and you'll be all right for a few more days.

- Geez, I'm gonna be one of the healthiest guys around.

Did you learn this in one of them UFO books?

- Hah, I found the article that I was looking for.

It says that fantasies are good for humans.

Unless they're married.

♫ How could you do that

♫ And smile when I'm crying

♫ How could you do that

♫ And smile when I'm crying

♫ How could you do that

♫ And smile when I'm crying

♫ How could you do that

♫ And smile when I'm crying

♫ Time we have spent together

♫ Now what's that feel back there

♫ Now where are

♫ How could you do that

♫ And smile when I'm crying

♫ How could you do that

♫ And smile when I'm crying

♫ How could you do that

♫ And smile when I'm crying

♫ How could you do that

♫ And smile when I'm crying

♫ Oh no, how could you do that

♫ How could you do that

♫ And smile when I'm crying

♫ You're smiling, how could you do this to me