Original subtitles

You know, these egg whites aren't bad. I don't really miss the yolk at all.

Agreed. They don't add anything to the overall egg experience,

except maybe texture, color and flavor.

Well, in my mind, this is a way better breakfast

than say, a caramel frappuccino and a donut.

Oh, absolutely.

Are we talking about the traditional glazed donut,

or the more cakey kind?

I'm talking about the little mini chocolate ones.

You can have one on each finger and still hold a cup of coffee.

You know, there's a dunkin donuts

exactly one-point-two miles from here.

One-point-two?

And you know that how?

I was going for my power walk, and I was wearing my pedometer.

By the way, you can start smelling them at point eight.

Okay. Okay!

We have really gotta stop this.

What? As long as we're sticking to our diets

we can at least fantasize, right?

Hey, that snickers we shared in bed last night

was not a fantasy.

It was to me.

Besides, it was just a fun size,

and we burned those calories off right away,

if you know what I mean.

Technically, I burned those calories off.

Yeah, but I was rooting you on.

And I appreciate that.

But I'm gonna be good until Victoria's birthday party,

and then I'm gonna have a piece of cake the size of my head.

I thought your sister didn't want

to make a big deal about her birthday.

It's her thirtieth.

It's a milestone and we're all having cake!

End of discussion!

Boy, I remember when I turned 30.

Me and a couple of buddies went to Vegas,

and we hooked up with these two...

For one coupons to an all-you-can-eat buffet,

had a nice dinner, went home early, didn't do anything.

I'll never forget that night.

Morning.

You're just getting home?

Yeah. After the club closed,

there was an after party in the parking lot,

then an after-after party in the bouncer's pop-up camper.

Well, bong hit, bath and bed.

Party for your sister.

Good idea.

Sync and corrected by dr.jackson for www.addic7ed.com

I can't believe you ladies have never seen The Godfather.

I've tried to get Joyce to watch it a thousand times,

but we always end up watching some stupid chick flick.

And I'm not talking the good "girl on girl" kind.

Well, why don't you make her an offer that she can't refuse?

I did.

I said, "if I have to watch pretty woman one more time,

You're gonna sleep with the fishes."

I love Pretty Woman.

It really makes being a hooker look like fun.

Shh!

I believe in America.

America has made my fortune,

and I raised my daughter in the American fashion.

Who's this guy?

Are you gonna talk through the whole thing?

Sorry. I just wanted to know who that guy is.

You're not supposed to know who that guy is yet.

Fine. I'll wait.

I gave her freedom, but...

I taught her never to dishonor her family.

Did you remember to order the cake for Victoria's birthday?

No. You know, I wanted to ask you,

do you think we should do cake or just cupcakes?

Ooh, cupcakes

are a smart idea. You don't waste as much,

people can take them home if they want.

This is the greatest movie ever

and all you're talking about is cupcakes.

You know, now that I hear it out loud, I think I'm back to cake.

Are you done?

Sorry.

With another boyfriend.

They made her drink whiskey...

Hey, what are you guys doing?

Oh, just hanging out. You want to join us?

No.

I don't want to intrude.

Don't be silly. The more the merrier.

Not so far.

Thank you for asking.

But you're doing a couple's thing, and...

I don't want to be the sixth wheel.

A lost and lonely 30-year-old sixth wheel.

Oh, goodness, do you want to go or should I?

Maybe you should both go.

I just figured

by the time I turned 30, I'd have a man in my life.

Sweetie, you have nothing but men in your life.

No, I mean the same man a bunch of nights in a row.

Some folks call that a relationship.

Yeah, one of those.

So the bouncer in the pop-up camper,

probably not a long-term thing.

Oh, no. Guys like that never are.

Neither are guys who live in Winnebagos or hotdog trucks.

Good to know.

You show up for a second date,

and their whole house has disappeared.

No note or nothing.

Just an orange extension cord hanging from the outlet

and a half-eaten bun on the curb.

Victoria, you shouldn't pin your happiness

on whether you have a man in your life or not.

Easy for you to say.

You've got a boyfriend.

You want him? He's yours.

I gotta warn you, he's kind of a load.

Yeah, but at least you have somebody to be disappointed in.

Listen, you've gotta...

You've gotta focus on what makes you happy.

You know? I mean, your job brings you

a lot of fulfillment, right?

Well,

putting makeup on dead people is okay.

But as a rule, they don't give you a lot of "pats on the back""

hey, I don't get a lot of "attaboys" as a teacher, either.

But I know if I'm reaching just one kid,

then I'm truly making a difference.

Just one kid.

That's so great.

It is.

It's just all in how you choose to look at it.

You're telling me I should have a baby.

Uh...

Mom!

Coming! Anyway, Victoria's always been my fragile one.

It all started when she was five years old

and I lost her at the zoo.

Not entirely my fault.

I mean, if they're gonna sell beer there,

mistakes will be made.

I think you should go talk to her. What's going on?

She wants to have a baby,

and she sent me down here to ask Mike for sperm.

You lovingly declined.

Oh, thank you.

Because I never know what to say in those situations.

Let's go, Vince.

If you're gonna be her step- daddy, you're gonna have to

start chiming in with some fatherly advice.

Ah, geez, I just wanted a nice, quiet evening

watching a bunch of goombahs

blast the crap out of each other.

Why did you go to the police?

Why didn't you come to me first?

So, who's this guy?

Sweetheart, raising a child is a lot of responsibility.

There's dressing them and feeding them...

And not losing them in Monkeyville.

I was hammered; Give me a break.

I just feel like I've got so much to give

and nobody to give it to.

You ever think about pole dancing?

Vince, what is the matter with you?

Hey, it's good money, great exercise,

and she's bringing happiness to

a room full of sad and lonely degenerates.

I think what Vince is trying to say

is that maybe this is not a good time

for you to have a baby.

No. What Vince is trying to say

is that you've got a rocking bod,

and you should take advantage of it

before you hit 40, and your jugs become wind chimes.

Mom, make him stop talking.

Vince, get out of here and go watch your movie.

Hey, she could push it to 45

if she sleeps in a support bra and stays off the trampoline.

Out!

Here, take this up to my sister.

It'll make her feel better.

Oh, man, why you doing this to me?

You'll be fine.

You got enough for a backup

if I accidentally eat this on the stairs?

Go.

Just so you know,

if she asks for my sperm,

I'm trading her straight up for this bad boy.

Oh, hey. I was just bringing a little treat for Victoria.

Oh, good. I need a drink.

Funny, I was schnockered when she was conceived,

and now it's the only way

I can carry on a conversation with her.

Hey, there.

Molly made a little treat for you and I didn't eat any of it.

Aw, that's so sweet of her.

Yep.

Can I have it?

Oh, right, right.

Ever since I was a little girl,

if I was feeling sad,

she'd make me a hot fudge sundae

with three Oreos hidden on the bottom.

They're still there. You can count them.

Do you want me to leave you alone with that?

Maybe turn off the light. That's usually how I do it.

Mike, what gives your life meaning?

Oh, boy.

Well, there was a time when I would've had a glossy photo

of that sundae hanging in my locker.

I'm serious.

Well, I know for me, my job gives me a lot of satisfaction.

Everyday I look forward to

putting on the uniform and strapping on the side-arm

and serving the people that I'm sworn to protect.

So, helping people makes you happy?

Yeah, that and

feeling like I'm a part of something important.

You know, something bigger than me.

Oh, my God.

It's all so clear to me now.

Really? Yes.

It's obvious what I have to do.

What's that?

I've gotta join the army.

Molly!

One hot beef and cheese sandwich, with curly fries

and strawberry shake.

And one can of tuna.

Thank you.

While you're enjoying that,

I'll get your scratching post and squeaky mouse.

I hope he gets fat someday.

You know, I'm proud of you.

You've been showing a lot of self-control lately.

Yesterday, Molly had me take her sister a hot fudge sundae,

and I didn't eat one bite of it.

And I had plenty of time alone with it, too.

She never would've known.

They never do.

To this day, nobody at the station can figure out

why the jelly-filled donuts were sucked dry

before the box was even opened.

That's just pulling the fire alarm,

and when no one's looking,

jamming a straw into the jelly reservoir.

Well, it's brilliant.

You're like Foodini.

Hey, guys.

Hey, sweetie. What are you doing here?

Well, per your conversation with Victoria,

she decided to check out the army recruiting office

and see if she could "be all she could be."

Turns out, I can't.

I had no idea the army was so strict.

I mean, the whole thing is just rules, rules, rules.

It's no wonder they're always fighting with someone somewhere.

I will say, you do make that uniform look very good.

Thank you.

Seriously, I've been standing at attention

since you walked through the door.

At ease, Carl.

I just don't know if

the United States army is ready for private Victoria Flynn

and her two-gun salute.

You see, fellas, I'm just not a morning person

and they're all about that.

I don't even know if my alarm clock has "0500" on it.

Yeah, and apparently, they still have

a "don't ask, don't show up high" policy, so...

I'm disappointed the army wouldn't take me.

I look really hot in camouflage.

Yes, you do.

But black's really my color.

Me, too.

You know, nuns wear black, and they take anybody.

Come on, Victoria, you're being silly.

Hang on.

May I point out that you don't have to become a nun

to have a relationship with God.

Carl.

What?

Hey, I've found a lot of comfort in my faith

without the unrealistic expectation of celibacy.

Carl.

I could not walk this Rocky path of life without

the tender guidance of my sweet and powerful savior.

Carl.

Can I walk on that path with you?

Carl!

Take my hand and we will walk it together.

Oh, dear God.

Amen.

Do you know how many games I'm missing right now?

Suck it up; We're being supportive.

Do they serve wine before or just during?

This is a baptist church; They don't serve wine.

So, BYOB?

There's no wine.

Well, then I have to ask myself "what would Jesus do?"

I think dude would go burn one in the parking lot.

No, no. You already burned one in the car.

So glad you could make it, sister.

Brother Michael, sister Molly.

Dumb-ass Carl.

I hope after the service, you'll join us in the rectory

for cake and pie and good Christian fellowship.

But no wine, right?

Not on the premises, but we can hit a liquor store

and drive to the beach.

And if the spirit moves you, I can baptize you

in the healing waters of Lake Michigan.

Did you happen to bring a white t-shirt?

I'm afraid not.

Oh, that's cool. I got a few in the trunk of my car.

Carlton, you need to get your robe on

and take over the keyboard for Sister Shirese.

She's sweating something fierce,

and the whole sanctuary smells like Remy Martin.

All right, grandma.

If you sit up close,

you can watch me work my magic on the organ.

Get your perverted self in that sanctuary.

What have I told you about trying to use Jesus

as your wingman?

And as we read in First Corinthians, chapter 13,

verse 11, "when I was a child, I spoke like a child.

Yes.

"I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child."

Yes.

"But when I became an adult,

I put an end to my childish ways."

How much longer is this thing gonna go on?

Shh.

I'm hungry.

You sure you don't have a cough drop

or a piece of gum or something?

We ate before we left the house.

Yeah, skim milk and puffed rice.

That's just food-shaped air.

Could you guys be quiet?

God's talking.

Sweetie, you realize that man's not actually God.

I know.

It's one of his helpers, like Santa Claus.

...Verse 35, it reads,

"I was hungry and you gave me food."

"I was thirsty and you gave me drink."

I'm in hell.

You don't have anything to eat?

I have two butter rum life savers.

You can have one of them.

I knew you were holding out on me.

Lying in the House of God; Real nice.

And when you rest in the bosom of the Lord,

brothers and sisters, you shall be saved!

Amen!

When you walk with God...

You will never walk alone,

- Yes. - for he's right there beside you,

keeping you on the path to righteousness!

Ah, testify!

You don't have to have

all the answers in life.

You see, because only the savior knows

what this great journey has in store for all of us.

Trust in him,

open up your heart and you shall be empty no more.

And now

let us welcome back Sister Rosetta

to lead us in our closing hymn.

Stop now. Let's go.

I don't need to give myself to a man

or have a baby or join the army.

No, you don't.

No, I need to give myself to God!

Well...

Here I come, God!

Good luck, Lord.

This one's a handful.

Do we really have to wait for Victoria?

Mike, it's her birthday.

I'm just saying, I know how we can suck the middle

out of this whole thing, and she'd never know.

Eat your rice cake.

Bleh.

So, how long you think this whole

religion thing's gonna stick?

I don't know. Over the years, she's been

a Buddhist, an orthodox Jew, rastafarian.

During a two-hour layover at the Denver airport, a hare krishna.

Well, you're a good sister for being so supportive.

I have been.

And it has been a long week.

So, seriously, you can get the middle

out of this thing without her knowing?

Thought you'd never ask.

Here, breathe through your nose.

Sync and corrected by dr.jackson for www.addic7ed.com