Original subtitles

I mean, I understand that the woman is new to the school

and everybody's bending over backwards

trying to make her feel welcome, but "teacher of the month?"

Please.

That's an outrage.

And it has nothing to do with the fact

that I was "teacher of the month" for the last six months.

You know, two more and I would have gotten

to keep the ceramic owl.

I did not know that.

Not that I'm bragging, you know.

Just a deserved recognition for being a good teacher.

I didn't get it for wearing a push-up bra and giggling like an idiot

every time some man "makes a funny."

That reminds me.

Did you hear the joke about the blind prostitute?

Mike, I'm telling you about my day.

Punch line is "you gotta hand it to her."

You know, 'cause she's blind. Yeah.

I tell you, Joyce,

I'm really starting to get the hang of this yoga malarkey.

If I get any more limber, I won't need you anymore.

Hey, cowboy,

if you can do it, do it.

That cuts my workload in half.

She's got you doing yoga?

Yeah, she wants to show me off at her high school reunion.

That's why she's got me twisting in knots

and sniffing my own buttocks.

I can't wait to glide into that Sheraton banquet hall

with this hunk of Italian sausage on my arm.

You know, when you describe me as a piece of meat,

it makes me feel like a piece of meat.

Anyway, if you ask me, I think little miss "teacher of the month"

is in for a rude awakening.

And we're back.

She's gonna, she's gonna find

that your field trips, and learning games

and, you know, trying to be best friends with the kids

is not the-- a substitute for actual teaching.

I mean, she lets the kids call her by her first name.

There is a balance between being loving and being firm.

I don't think miss Jennifer gets that.

♪ For the first time in my life ♪

♪ I see love. ♪

It's just insane the way people are fawning all over her.

Oh, did I tell you about the great parking spot they gave her?

You did. I was appalled.

Oh, look, escape from the planet of the apes is on.

I think that's the one where the monkeys go back in time

and wear suits and get jobs.

Mike.

That parking thing is a travesty.

Right?

And meanwhile, I'm parking behind the cafeteria,

under a tree filled with birds

who apparently eat nothing but lasagna and chocolate milk.

My glutes are still vibrating from that yoga class.

You could shake up a Martini in my crack.

Hey, I just got a batch of Cuban cigars

and I thought you might want to partake.

That sounds great.

Mike, we're-we're in the middle of a conversation.

It's just the middle?

I'd love to Vince,

but, uh, my girlfriend is sharing her day with me.

Actually, we're sharing our days

with each other.

Yeah, right. That.

Well, have you gotten to the part

where you pass on an $80 cigar

because you were pretending to listen to your girlfriend?

Hey, I'm not pretending. I listen to every word she says.

I could tell you for a fact that today, for lunch,

Molly had lasagna and chocolate milk.

Go smoke.

Nothing like the taste of a fine havana cigar

smuggled through the negligent borders of our Canadian cousins.

Lucky for the both of us, we're burning the evidence.

Where the commies fall short is tennis shoes and electronics.

Never ever buy a Cuban iPhone

or a pair of air castros.

Good to know.

Listen,

I wanted to talk to you about something.

Kind of a personal matter.

Oh, boy, everybody's in a chatty mood tonight.

What I'm about to tell you is strictly hush-hush.

'Cause if Joyce ever found out, it would kill her.

Thank you for the cigar and the pleasant conversation,

but I don't want to hear about another woman.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

This ain't about me getting some on the side. Geez.

I got to pop oysters and stiffy pills

just to keep up with the big red machine in there.

Good.

'Cause I really want to finish that cigar.

Come on, sit down.

Take a considerable load off.

Okay, here it is.

All this talk about Joyce's high school reunion

has made me feel bad

about not being a high school graduate.

Is that it?

Yeah, what'd you think,

I was gonna profess my love to you?

No, it's just that

not graduating from high school isn't that big a deal.

It is to me.

And I've never told that to another living soul.

You're kidding. Well,

I was gonna confide it to my wife on her death bed,

but we had so many other important things to talk about.

Of course.

Code to the alarm system,

her recipe for manicotti,

what dry cleaners my good black suit was at.

Well, if you're worried about what Joyce will think,

I'm sure she'll understand.

Joyce must never know.

I don't want her to find out

my worldly, sophisticated exterior

is nothing but a facade.

You know, technically, the exterior is the facade.

I think it's French or something.

See, that right there is why I don't tell people.

You're already talking to me like I'm an idiot.

No, I'm just saying, you shouldn't feel bad

about not graduating high school.

Easy for you to say; You're a learned man.

Well, I wouldn't say "learned,"

but I had a strong "c" average in high school,

which made the transition to junior college a smooth path.

Hang on. You're telling me you went to college?

Two full years and a mandatory summer session.

That was eighth grade for me!

Geometry made me its bitch.

Ell, why don't you just get your ged?

That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

You're a government employee.

Maybe you could pull a couple of strings

and slide me one under the table.

Doesn't really work that way.

This isn't something I can just fix, like a parking ticket.

You told me you couldn't fix parking tickets. I can't.

Then why are you dangling the carrot?

Look, if you want to get your ged,

you got to take the test. But lucky for you,

there's a woman in that house that can help you study.

You mean Molly.

Voted "teacher of the mont"" six times in a row.

She received the coveted ceramic owl.

She doesn't really like me, though.

I mean, I get that kids are always standoffish

when they know you're banging their mom,

but she goes the extra mile.

Yeah, she has yet to succumb to your unique charms.

Plus, women tell each other everything,

and she'll end up blabbing it to Joyce.

Can't argue with you there.

That family could talk underwater.

Hey, maybe you could get a tutor.

How 'bout you?

I don't know. I was always

kind of a "wing and a prayer" kind of student.

They used to call me Mr. cliff notes.

But what about junior college?

That's really just a high school where you can smoke.

My point exactly.

If a load like you can get kicked through the system,

there's still hope for me.

Well, that's not flattering,

but I can certainly see what got you there.

A shower was a good idea.

I am fresh as a Daisy.

Unfortunately, now your loofah smells like cigar smoke and b.O.

Sexy.

Did you and Vince have a good time tonight?

It was okay. He's a decent enough guy.

See, that's where you and I part ways.

What did he want to talk to you about?

Nothing in particular.

Just cigar talk.

"Cigar talk?" You know,

"this is a good cigar."

"Glad you like it." "I like it a lot."

"Hey, is that a cat?"

"No, it's a possum." Cigar talk.

Well, I guess that's more fun

than having a conversation with your girlfriend.

Only because of the cigars and the possum sighting.

May I offer you some squeaky-clean loving?

Hang on, hang on.

So Vince just wanted to give you an $80 cigar

and didn't want anything in return?

Same guy that offered you a box of steaks

in exchange for a handicap parking pass.

I felt bad about that.

He already bought those nice aluminum crutches.

But tonight, he just wanted to share something in confidence,

you know, man-to-man.

Doesn't have anything to do with my mom, does it?

Not really; I mean, other than the fact

he doesn't want her to know about it.

Wait a minute, are you telling me

that he's keeping something from her?

Just because he's deeply ashamed.

Okay. So if that's a "no" on the sex,

I will bid you good night.

What can I do? A man tells me a secret,

I got to take it to the grave.

Of course.

So Vince moranto didn't graduate high school.

And you can understand why I couldn't tell Molly that, right?

Absolutely.

It's a personal, private matter.

And we all know women are notorious blabbermouths.

I hate to say it,

but it is kind of true, isn't it?

I tell my grandma one secret and the next thing you know,

everybody in church is peeking around to see

if I'm really going commando underneath my choir robe.

You actually do that?

If they spent the money on air-conditioning

instead of that stupid youth bus,

I wouldn't have to be swinging low

while I'm singing "sweet chariot""

hey, what are you guys talking about?

Molly's mom's boyfriend told Mike something in confidence,

and now Molly's upset because Mike didn't tell her what it is.

Oh... women love the gossip, don't they?

In Senegal, I once dated two sisters at the same time,

and it was less than a week

before they blabbed it to each other.

Then on top of that, they tried to make me the bad guy.

So what is the big secret?

Vince didn't graduate high school.

Interesting.

You know, Henry the cook is a dropout, too.

But you didn't hear it from me.

So, I was looking through one of the study guides,

and they say the best way to start

is by taking a sample test.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Right to it?

No foreplay?

You don't want to dance or rub zippers?

Look, this is just a way to find out where your weak areas are

and what we need to concentrate on.

I can tell you what my weak areas are:

Processing dairy and taking tests.

And they both turn my bowels into an ass Cannon.

Vince, relax.

And remember, most of this stuff is just common sense.

So take your time and do your best.

All right.

"Which of the following political actions

"violated the principles of unalienable rights of liberty

that evolved from the U.S. Declaration of independence?"

Is this for high school

or to become President of the United States?

Come on. Just think it through

and break it down. I told you,

I don't break things down well,

and I had a milk shake for lunch.

All right, let's just move on to the next question.

Fine.

"Which three of the original 13 colonies..."

For crying out loud,

I don't know if this is math or history.

I'm not really sure where they're headed, either.

Just forget it.

I'm not good at tests.

I never been good at tests.

I get nervous, I can't focus, I get fidgety.

Add?

Hey, I can add.

I just don't like tests.

Bathroom break.

Vince, we just got started.

Wasn't really a question.

This one right here

was prom queen, junior and senior year.

She's a cute little filly.

Now she's a beer-hauling clydesdale.

Well, that prom queen is going to be green with envy

when she sees you walking in,

with your yoga Booty and your sexy man on your arm.

Oh, yeah.

She'll be snorting and stomping her hoof.

I better bring some carrots and sugar cubes.

Ooh, something smells good in here.

I'm trying a new brownie recipe.

The secret is lessg smells brownie, more pot.

Don't burn it like the last batch.

I was second-hand high for a week.

So... where's Vince tonight?

Mm, he said he had to work late, but he's coming over later.

Ooh, that reminds me.

I gotta wax the wigglies.

Hey, is, uh, everything okay with you two?

Sure.

You didn't notice anything odd about his behavior?

Well, he's been a little cranky lately,

but he's probably just annoyed at me

for pushing him to lose weight, grow hair

and have his neck wattle taped back.

Why do you ask?

Oh, no reason.

You're my mom. I love you.

Just want to make sure you're happy.

Oh. Well, thank you, baby.

Oh.

I am.

Good.

"Working late""

that dirtbag's not even a good liar.

What's going on?

I don't know for sure.

But I know that he and Mike

had a little secret man talk last night,

and Mike's being very cagey about it.

You don't think Vince is

doing anything behind mom's back, do you?

See, that's where my mind went, too.

Oh, my God, he's cheating on her, isn't he?

You did not hear that from me.

How long is it going to take you to grade this thing?

Hang on a second.

"Add the combined scores of sentence structure

and usage with the subtotal of language arts from page three."

Man, this is like putting together a bookcase from Ikea.

You know what? Forget about it.

I'm sure I flunked.

No. Now, just hang on a second.

We don't know that.

Bup, bup, bup... Carry the two...

Now we know that you flunked.

My old man always told me I was an idiot.

You know what? He was right.

Come on, you're not an idiot.

You're just not a good test taker.

Remarkably bad, in fact.

Well, how else am I going to get a ged?

Abraham Lincoln never graduated high school.

He did pretty well f himself.

Yeah, except for getting shot in the head.

To be fair, a high school diploma's

not going to stop a bullet.

So you're saying I just got to live with my secret shame?

Everybody's got one.

I'll share mine with you, it makes you feel better.

Food?

Maybe.

The point is, the more you try to hide it,

the worse it's going to feel.

Why don't you just go to Joyce

and tell her the truth? I don't know.

You'll feel a lot better. And the woman loves you.

She's not going to judge you over something like that.

Would you mind going with me to tell her?

You know, for moral support.

I'd be happy to.

All right.

Boy, I hope she's going to be okay

when she finds out her erudite prince is just a well-hung frog.

"Erudite." I can't believe

you didn't score higher on the verbal.

Listen. When I get in there, I may embellish my reasons

for dropping out of school a little bit.

Papa got sick, I had to work the fields,

care for the other young'uns.

Something in that vein.

For another cigar,

I'll tell her you were a coal miner's daughter.

What is going on here, Mike?

I gotta talk to your mom.

He just needs to get something off his chest.

Yeah? What's that? The breasts of a younger woman?

Joyce, doll, why you crying?

I know all about your dirty little secret.

Who told you? Did you tell her?

I didn't tell anybody.

Except Carl and Samuel. Oh!

You could tell Carl and Samuel, but you couldn't tell me!

You really thought you could

keep something like that from me?

Boy, you're dumber than I thought.

I had to work the fields.

Oh...

You're such a pig!

Whoa! I'm sorry I didn't tell you,

but you're kind of making me feel bad.

Well, you should feel bad.

You're cheating on my mother.

What?! Mm-hmm.

I never cheated on you. Then why you

showing up here with your tail tucked between your legs?

I came to tell you

I don't have a high school diploma. And now,

thanks to lumpy, the study partner,

I never will.

What?

I was ashamed to tell you,

'cause I thought you'd think less of me.

But apparently you already do.

You told me he was having an affair!

No. Now...

I didn't exactly use those words.

It's all moot. Damage is done.

I got this, mom.

"Moot." The man is a wordsmith.

Vince, wait. Look,

I get that I'm not your favorite person,

but I never thought you'd spread lies about me.

I'm sorry.

I may not have a formal education

or a high school diploma, but I got a heart;

And you stuck a knife in it by way of my back.

I know. I-I made a terrible mistake.

Let me make it up to you.

How? A kick in the groin?

No, thank you.

Hey! Moranto!

What?

I think you owe me an apology, too.

I mean, you have an actual teacher right here,

and you asked Mike to tutor you.

I regret that deeply.

The only thing I learned from that guy

is that the Chicago police department is not a very picky organization.

Come on. Give me a chance.

Why you want to help me?

Well, it's why I became a teacher.

And seeing as that you're my mom's fiancé,

I... kind of makes you family.

Family?

Kind of.

Damn it,

you're a tough nut to crack.

But I love you, snowball, I really do.

Okay, okay.

Oh, Vince, I'm so sorry I doubted you.

We just didn't know what to think, Vince.

But stupid is so much better than cheater.

I forgive all you broads.

Hey, where's the big guy?

Yes! The apes do wear suits and get jobs.

Wow, I can't believe you got Vince

to actually go and take the ged exam.

Part of what a good teacher does is to inspire her students,

you know, instill in them that confidence that they need

to go out and achieve academic excellence.

Well, I guess we know why you hold the record

for "teacher of the month."

Every student is different.

You have to figure out what their individual needs are.

Now, for Vince,

I just had to give him the proper tools

to overcome his fear of taking tests.

Oh, man.

Do you guys know what happened

to the two pot brownies I was saving?

Done.

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