Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:05,011
[pages riffling]
2
00:00:16,183 --> 00:00:19,653
LOU:
Baruch Atah Ado Ugh.
3
00:00:20,604 --> 00:00:23,864
Baruch Atah Ado Ugh!
4
00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:27,187
You know what?
This just doesn't feel right.
5
00:00:27,194 --> 00:00:31,204
Something is missing.
Maybe... someone.
6
00:00:31,198 --> 00:00:34,238
LOU 2: Oh, I don't know.
How about me?
7
00:00:34,660 --> 00:00:37,620
Or should I say you?
8
00:00:37,621 --> 00:00:40,371
BOTH:
♪ Baruch Atah HaShem ♪
9
00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:42,134
♪ Eloheinu ♪
10
00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:45,673
♪ Eloheinu ♪
11
00:00:45,671 --> 00:00:48,171
[harmonizing]
12
00:00:48,173 --> 00:00:50,973
♪ Malkeinu ♪
13
00:00:51,802 --> 00:00:53,682
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Lou.
14
00:00:53,679 --> 00:00:55,389
Ha, ha. Lou, please.
15
00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:58,179
Boys! Might we return to the prayer?
16
00:00:58,183 --> 00:01:01,523
Right on, Rabbi.
Okay. Aone, two, three, four...
17
00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:02,730
[mimicking hihat cymbals]
18
00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:06,189
You know, this next prayer
reminds me of my childhood,
19
00:01:06,191 --> 00:01:08,571
from way back yesterday.
20
00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:12,109
I grew up on the east side,
the east side of the house.
21
00:01:12,990 --> 00:01:16,080
Wow, they are committed to... that.
22
00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:18,116
Oh, I walked in
on the cutest thing last night.
23
00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:20,290
The Lous were practicing
for their first slow dance
24
00:01:20,289 --> 00:01:21,919
at today's reception.
25
00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:24,415
Ohh. Well, that'll be tricky
without any kids coming.
26
00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:26,038
Wait, what?
No kids are coming.
27
00:01:26,044 --> 00:01:28,264
Remember, the Lous wanted
an intimate occasion.
28
00:01:28,255 --> 00:01:32,425
No, they said they wanted it to be
an Entenmann's occasion.
29
00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:34,426
Nothing but Entenmann's baked goods
to be served.
30
00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:37,598
Ohhh. That actually makes
more sense. For Lou.
31
00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:40,768
Wait, no one is gonna be
at this reception?
32
00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:44,767
Oh. It'll be okay.
Lou's got a healthy confidence.
33
00:01:44,771 --> 00:01:47,441
Lou, healthy,
that's ringing a bell.
34
00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:50,191
Wait, that's not quite right.
Lou unhealthy!
35
00:01:50,194 --> 00:01:51,454
That's what it was!
Oh yeah!
36
00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:53,735
The Rabbi warned us
that the divorce was causing
37
00:01:53,739 --> 00:01:56,369
deep, irreparable damage
and was manifesting in Lou
38
00:01:56,366 --> 00:01:58,446
using his weirdness to push kids away.
39
00:01:58,452 --> 00:02:00,952
And you're just telling me
about this now?
40
00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:03,084
You were there
and holding flowers and
41
00:02:03,081 --> 00:02:06,631
Oh nope, remembering now,
it was a vase shaped like you.
42
00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:09,457
Which is quite a compliment.
That vase was fine as hell.
43
00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:10,923
If something was wrong,
I would know.
44
00:02:10,923 --> 00:02:12,843
LOU: [singing]
♪ You know it's my Bar Mitzvah! ♪
45
00:02:12,841 --> 00:02:15,801
♪ So come, big boy ♪
46
00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:18,012
♪ Make a man out of me! ♪
47
00:02:18,013 --> 00:02:19,353
And me!
48
00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:21,734
We have to do something.
49
00:02:21,725 --> 00:02:24,055
No one showing up to your Bar Mitzvah
is the kind of thing
50
00:02:24,061 --> 00:02:25,901
that traumatizes a kid for life.
51
00:02:25,896 --> 00:02:29,266
People said the same thing about me
walking in on my parents having sex
52
00:02:29,274 --> 00:02:32,954
[mimicking baby] but Baby is
perfectly normal, right, Mommy?
53
00:02:32,945 --> 00:02:34,945
Oh god, what have we done.
54
00:02:34,947 --> 00:02:37,117
Okay, okay. I'll fix this.
55
00:02:37,115 --> 00:02:39,695
Hurry, they're breakdancing...
sort of.
56
00:02:39,701 --> 00:02:41,041
Faster! Faster!
Faster!
57
00:02:41,036 --> 00:02:43,956
Please. I am so tired.
Faster! Faster!
58
00:02:43,956 --> 00:02:46,116
Keep spinning us!
Keep spinning us!
59
00:02:46,124 --> 00:02:49,384
♪ dramatic theme playing ♪
60
00:02:52,631 --> 00:02:54,051
Melissa, I need your help
61
00:02:54,049 --> 00:02:55,879
What the hell?
I gave you $800
62
00:02:55,884 --> 00:02:57,764
to buy a new camera
to film the Bar Mitzvah!
63
00:02:57,761 --> 00:03:00,471
Yeah, and I used it
to buy a new Stark Phone.
64
00:03:00,472 --> 00:03:02,602
That's not Hebrew.
You're just scatting.
65
00:03:02,599 --> 00:03:04,639
MODOK: Everyone has googly eyes!
66
00:03:04,643 --> 00:03:06,773
I take it back.
Money well spent.
67
00:03:06,770 --> 00:03:09,400
And this filter makes everyone
look like puppets.
68
00:03:09,398 --> 00:03:11,608
MODOK:
Uhhh! Utterly macabre!
69
00:03:11,608 --> 00:03:14,438
Now come on, I need your help
to save Lou's Bar Mitzvah reception.
70
00:03:14,444 --> 00:03:15,864
I didn't even get a reception.
71
00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:18,413
After my Bat Mitzvah, we just broke
into our neighbor's house
72
00:03:18,407 --> 00:03:19,527
while they were on vacation.
73
00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:21,293
They had Showtime, Melissa.
74
00:03:21,285 --> 00:03:25,205
We finally got to watch Ray Donovan.
I'd call that pretty memorable.
75
00:03:25,622 --> 00:03:28,502
Every time I help you,
it ends up blowing up in my face.
76
00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:31,960
If you don't want to do it for me,
do it for the Lous.
77
00:03:31,962 --> 00:03:33,132
Fine, what do you need?
78
00:03:33,130 --> 00:03:34,590
You're a teen. Get me teens.
79
00:03:34,590 --> 00:03:37,680
Hot teens! Cold teens!
Poutine! Teen dreams! Dream teams!
80
00:03:37,676 --> 00:03:39,846
With Scottie Pipeen!
All types of teens!
81
00:03:39,845 --> 00:03:41,135
I need teens!
82
00:03:41,138 --> 00:03:43,518
Okay, I get it.
I think I know where the teens are.
83
00:03:43,515 --> 00:03:46,435
Right, the old pumpkin patch!
It's hayride season!
84
00:03:46,435 --> 00:03:47,935
They'll all be in the corn maze,
85
00:03:47,936 --> 00:03:50,726
and then it's as simple as lighting it
on fire and smokin' em out.
86
00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:52,441
[evil laughter]
87
00:03:52,441 --> 00:03:55,241
Yeah. That. Or
88
00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:57,105
♪
89
00:03:57,112 --> 00:03:59,872
Hi, I'm a bigtime casting director
for a new show called
90
00:03:59,865 --> 00:04:01,525
That's So Torah!
91
00:04:01,533 --> 00:04:02,993
And it films today.
92
00:04:02,993 --> 00:04:04,333
Really?
Yes.
93
00:04:04,328 --> 00:04:07,828
I'm looking for that "it" factor,
an almost impossibly rare star quality.
94
00:04:07,831 --> 00:04:09,371
And great news,
all three of you have it.
95
00:04:09,374 --> 00:04:11,004
Is that girl with you?
She's got it too.
96
00:04:11,001 --> 00:04:12,671
Are you saying
we get to be on TV?
97
00:04:12,669 --> 00:04:13,959
[evil laughter]
98
00:04:13,962 --> 00:04:14,712
No!
99
00:04:15,672 --> 00:04:17,052
[groans]
100
00:04:17,049 --> 00:04:20,179
I mean, no, not TV...
it's HBO!
101
00:04:20,177 --> 00:04:21,597
Huh. What's it about?
102
00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:25,135
It's four teenage friends
who attend a Bar Mitz
103
00:04:25,140 --> 00:04:26,310
It's Night Court!
Right.
104
00:04:26,308 --> 00:04:28,438
It's a Bar Mitzvah meets Night Court
105
00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:31,095
No! Just Night Court.
Night Court meets Night Court.
106
00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:32,404
With maybe a little ALF?
107
00:04:32,397 --> 00:04:34,147
No, no! Just Night Court.
108
00:04:34,149 --> 00:04:36,569
Wait, what's Night Court?
What's Night Court?
109
00:04:36,568 --> 00:04:39,278
Dad, we don't have time
110
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,159
We are watching an episode!
111
00:04:41,156 --> 00:04:43,156
♪ Night Court theme music plays ♪
112
00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:44,912
Aw.
113
00:04:44,910 --> 00:04:46,910
Okay, so you're all cast.
We shoot now. Let's go.
114
00:04:46,912 --> 00:04:49,622
Uh... a real show
would have auditions.
115
00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:53,963
Oh it's a real show alright.
It's a network show.
116
00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:55,631
[laughs]
117
00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:56,839
Aww!
118
00:04:56,839 --> 00:04:59,259
And auditions are this way.
119
00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:03,221
[stilted] "Lou, do you want
to dance with me?
120
00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:06,010
Also, your dad is
as cool as a young person."
121
00:05:06,014 --> 00:05:08,024
It's an absolute pass from me.
122
00:05:08,016 --> 00:05:09,726
Dad, we need more bodies.
123
00:05:09,726 --> 00:05:11,476
You're cast. Next.
124
00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:13,438
Go ahead and waste
our time I guess.
125
00:05:13,438 --> 00:05:15,938
"Lou, do you want
to dance with me?
126
00:05:15,941 --> 00:05:18,861
Also, your dad is as cool
as a young person."
127
00:05:19,236 --> 00:05:21,316
What? Say it again!
128
00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:23,621
"Lou, do you"
Stop! She's the one!
129
00:05:23,615 --> 00:05:25,615
Everyone else go home!
Oh my god, Melissa
130
00:05:25,617 --> 00:05:27,407
I'm serious, go home!
131
00:05:27,411 --> 00:05:29,201
That's So Torah! is happening.
132
00:05:29,204 --> 00:05:31,834
What's your name, girl?
Say it to me in lights.
133
00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:32,672
Sarah.
134
00:05:32,958 --> 00:05:34,628
Sarah!
135
00:05:34,626 --> 00:05:36,836
♪
136
00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:40,337
[whispers] Dad! What are you doing?
It's not a real show!
137
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:44,220
It wasn't a real show!
But with Sarah, anything's possible!
138
00:05:44,219 --> 00:05:46,469
It's not a real show?
Okay, I'm outta here.
139
00:05:46,471 --> 00:05:48,971
No, Sarah, no!
Let me get you under contract!
140
00:05:49,725 --> 00:05:52,055
Well, I hope you're happy, Melissa.
141
00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:54,810
You cost me getting Sarah under contract.
142
00:05:54,813 --> 00:05:56,403
It was going to be a long,
horrible contract.
143
00:05:56,398 --> 00:05:58,978
I was going to have rights
to any treasure she found.
144
00:05:58,984 --> 00:06:01,824
I would own her bones after she died!
145
00:06:01,820 --> 00:06:04,070
You just cost us all the kids!
146
00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:05,324
[sighs]
147
00:06:05,324 --> 00:06:07,744
Now that the intoxicating effect
of Sarah's talent is fading,
148
00:06:07,743 --> 00:06:09,583
I can see this is my fault.
149
00:06:09,578 --> 00:06:12,498
Not just the casting,
Lou's fragile emotional state.
150
00:06:12,497 --> 00:06:14,787
I guess the divorce
has really taken a toll on him.
151
00:06:15,167 --> 00:06:16,957
Yeah, he's not the only one.
152
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:20,880
Of course, Todd the cool mailman!
He's also taking it poorly.
153
00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:24,131
Why do I even bother?
Everyone is so stupid!
154
00:06:24,134 --> 00:06:27,394
Melissa, you really need
to stop being so angry at the world.
155
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:30,467
You're a super villain,
you hate the world!
156
00:06:30,474 --> 00:06:32,604
No, I don't. I just want to change it.
157
00:06:32,601 --> 00:06:34,811
[cell phone buzzing]
Yello.
158
00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:36,061
Tell me you got kids.
159
00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:39,863
The Lous are wrapping it up
after their seventh notdemanded encore.
160
00:06:39,858 --> 00:06:41,438
And now
161
00:06:41,443 --> 00:06:43,073
BOTH: Release the doves!
162
00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:44,950
[doves cooing]
Ah! They're bottlenecking at the elbows!
163
00:06:44,947 --> 00:06:46,527
LOU 2: You overfed them!
[clattering]
164
00:06:46,532 --> 00:06:47,822
LOU: Food is my love language!
165
00:06:47,824 --> 00:06:49,454
MODOK: [on phone]
What's happening? III can't see.
166
00:06:49,451 --> 00:06:50,491
Are you letting them do magic?
167
00:06:50,494 --> 00:06:52,204
They're doing something.
[clattering continues]
168
00:06:52,204 --> 00:06:53,914
I don't know, just hurry!
169
00:06:53,914 --> 00:06:56,254
People will be there.
I promise.
170
00:06:56,250 --> 00:06:57,880
MODOK will save the day.
171
00:06:57,876 --> 00:07:00,086
This I promise you.
I promise you again.
172
00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:03,837
There's literally no way
I will let you down.
173
00:07:03,841 --> 00:07:05,091
JODIE: [on phone]
Oh god.
174
00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:06,642
Why can't we go in?
175
00:07:06,635 --> 00:07:08,845
We're waiting for your Dad.
Why?
176
00:07:08,846 --> 00:07:11,056
Ugh. Can't I have a conversation
with one Lou
177
00:07:11,056 --> 00:07:13,136
without you batoning it
back and forth?
178
00:07:13,141 --> 00:07:14,811
We don't know what
You're talking
179
00:07:14,810 --> 00:07:15,690
... about.
180
00:07:15,686 --> 00:07:17,556
SUPER ADAPTOID:
Ahoooga! Ahoooga!
181
00:07:17,563 --> 00:07:18,903
Screech!
182
00:07:18,897 --> 00:07:19,937
Beeps. Beeps.
183
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,780
Heavy load detected in driver's seat.
184
00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:22,355
MODOK: Shut up!
185
00:07:22,359 --> 00:07:24,819
Oh, thank god.
Tell me you brought kids.
186
00:07:24,820 --> 00:07:26,030
Yes!
187
00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:27,529
And by "yes," I mean
188
00:07:27,531 --> 00:07:30,411
at one time in their lives
they were all kids
189
00:07:30,409 --> 00:07:33,869
or larvae
or synthetic ingredients in a lab.
190
00:07:33,871 --> 00:07:36,791
What is this?
Me saving the Bar Mitzvah
191
00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:39,590
with the oodles and oodles
of creatures I promised you.
192
00:07:39,585 --> 00:07:41,795
Hey, we're people!
Not to me!
193
00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:44,756
♪ light piano music playing ♪
194
00:07:44,756 --> 00:07:46,546
Oh boy, that's not good.
195
00:07:48,218 --> 00:07:50,008
Hey, put that down!
Give me that!
196
00:07:50,596 --> 00:07:53,466
Hey, you octogenarians
want to party?
197
00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:55,273
Come on, let us out
of these restraints!
198
00:07:55,267 --> 00:07:56,977
Under no circumstances
let them out.
199
00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:58,477
They will sex you to death.
200
00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:00,438
What you mean
you ain't got no Sweetleg?
201
00:08:00,439 --> 00:08:01,859
Ah, screw it!
I'll do it live.
202
00:08:01,857 --> 00:08:02,767
Oh god!
203
00:08:02,774 --> 00:08:05,244
♪ I got a Mississippi tingle risin ♪
204
00:08:05,235 --> 00:08:07,025
Hey! You scissored me, bro!
205
00:08:07,029 --> 00:08:08,699
He did what?
206
00:08:09,323 --> 00:08:11,163
This is delicious!
Ohh!
207
00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:12,988
Great catering, MODOK!
208
00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:15,503
That's not the catering!
That's the caterer!
209
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:16,745
Uhoh.
210
00:08:16,747 --> 00:08:20,207
Alright, well, just don't eat so much
that you won't dance later.
211
00:08:20,209 --> 00:08:22,379
Party's a little... terrible.
212
00:08:22,377 --> 00:08:23,957
It's not all bad.
213
00:08:23,962 --> 00:08:25,512
We don't have to pay the caterer.
214
00:08:25,506 --> 00:08:27,216
Are the Lous having
a good time at least?
215
00:08:27,216 --> 00:08:29,256
I've barely seen them.
ARMADILLO: Hey there.
216
00:08:29,259 --> 00:08:31,259
Hey, little boys.
You like magic, huh?
217
00:08:31,261 --> 00:08:33,511
Well, here's the church,
and here's the steeple,
218
00:08:33,514 --> 00:08:34,854
open the door and whoops.
219
00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:37,098
Hang on, I forgot the people.
Let me start over.
220
00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:38,270
Here's the church
221
00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:40,558
Alright. Dance the Hora or something.
222
00:08:40,562 --> 00:08:43,522
I'll try and get more fun people here.
Good time people!
223
00:08:43,524 --> 00:08:45,484
Who do you call for a good time?
224
00:08:45,484 --> 00:08:46,614
[sighs]
225
00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:50,110
Hello, yes, I'm calling
about hiring some escorts.
226
00:08:50,113 --> 00:08:52,533
Good ones.
Ones 13yearolds would love.
227
00:08:52,533 --> 00:08:55,083
MADAME: [on phone] Sorry, sir.
We're actually going out of business.
228
00:08:55,077 --> 00:08:58,867
The escort industry has been decimated
by the invention of JiggleOs.
229
00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:01,332
They are the Uber
to the prostitute's yellow cab.
230
00:09:01,333 --> 00:09:02,923
Uhh, no go on the hookers.
231
00:09:02,918 --> 00:09:05,088
I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.
232
00:09:05,087 --> 00:09:06,707
Look at them, MODOK.
233
00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:08,923
♪ Hava Nagila playing ♪
234
00:09:08,924 --> 00:09:11,684
Look at me: integral!
235
00:09:11,677 --> 00:09:13,637
Oh, I haven't seen Lou this miserable
236
00:09:13,637 --> 00:09:15,307
since he learned
that his outie belly button
237
00:09:15,305 --> 00:09:17,215
wasn't actually a backup wiener.
238
00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:19,434
Yeah, that really sent him
spiraling last year.
239
00:09:19,434 --> 00:09:20,564
What are we gonna do?
240
00:09:20,561 --> 00:09:22,521
What I should have done
in the first place,
241
00:09:22,521 --> 00:09:24,651
told him we were wrong
about backup wieners.
242
00:09:24,648 --> 00:09:25,358
MODOK!
243
00:09:25,357 --> 00:09:28,187
Okay, okay, I'll talk to him
like the Rabbi said.
244
00:09:28,652 --> 00:09:31,282
Is this your card?
Yes, amazing.
245
00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:34,742
Is this your card?
Yes, amazing.
246
00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:37,081
Hey, boys,
I brought you a crumb cake.
247
00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:39,327
No cake, only crumbs,
just the way you like it.
248
00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:42,879
There's a little bit of cake
in there. I see it.
249
00:09:42,875 --> 00:09:45,335
This probably isn't
the turnout you were hoping for.
250
00:09:45,335 --> 00:09:47,085
I had so many cool teens
in my sights,
251
00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:49,917
but your sister's becoming
a real antinetter.
252
00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:52,633
Look, boys,
there'll be plenty of time
253
00:09:52,634 --> 00:09:54,724
for you to have your first dance
with a lucky girl.
254
00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:56,970
We didn't want to dance
with some lucky girl.
255
00:09:56,972 --> 00:09:58,272
Lucky girls win lotteries,
256
00:09:58,265 --> 00:10:00,555
and greed destroys
everyone around them.
257
00:10:01,143 --> 00:10:03,193
I... don't understand.
258
00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:04,768
This was our big day,
259
00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:06,731
and you've been talking
to everybody but us.
260
00:10:06,732 --> 00:10:08,942
All we wanted
was to dance with you.
261
00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:10,902
Ohh! With me?
262
00:10:10,903 --> 00:10:12,283
No, with Dad.
263
00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:15,119
I only carried you in my body,
you ungrateful little shit.
264
00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:16,825
You want to dance with me?
265
00:10:16,825 --> 00:10:18,655
Today is about us becoming men.
266
00:10:18,660 --> 00:10:20,950
And you're the man we admire most.
267
00:10:21,622 --> 00:10:23,422
Will you dance me into manhood?
268
00:10:23,415 --> 00:10:25,415
And me! I want manhood too!
269
00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:28,172
Boys, I'm not going to dance with you.
270
00:10:29,838 --> 00:10:32,718
Without some proper
dang mood lighting!
271
00:10:32,716 --> 00:10:34,716
[zapping, glass breaking]
272
00:10:38,764 --> 00:10:41,774
♪ Starcadian's New Cydonia
Alternate Version playing ♪
273
00:10:41,767 --> 00:10:43,767
♪
274
00:10:47,481 --> 00:10:49,941
[slurring] I'm student class president,
275
00:10:49,942 --> 00:10:52,822
Teen Vogue's
"Figure Skater to Watch"
276
00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:56,029
and I never got caught
for hitting that guy with my car.
277
00:10:56,031 --> 00:10:58,281
But does Dad even notice?
278
00:10:58,909 --> 00:11:02,539
Wow, you are... such a bummer.
279
00:11:02,538 --> 00:11:05,078
Hey, congrats on that triple axel.
280
00:11:05,082 --> 00:11:07,882
I get a real pleasure
out of watching you skate.
281
00:11:07,876 --> 00:11:10,916
What? Are you one
of those ice pervs?
282
00:11:10,921 --> 00:11:14,171
You stalking me?
No, I wouldn't stalk a fly.
283
00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:16,594
Though I did get arrested
for stalking The Wasp.
284
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:17,850
And SheHulk!
285
00:11:18,136 --> 00:11:19,926
And SheThing!
But that's basically it.
286
00:11:19,930 --> 00:11:22,020
Uhp, there was Storm, too!
287
00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:24,975
Look, your father showed us videos
of you skating at the bar.
288
00:11:24,977 --> 00:11:26,847
My Dad showed videos of me?
289
00:11:26,854 --> 00:11:28,274
Yeah, all the time.
290
00:11:28,272 --> 00:11:30,572
He's right,
you're a really great skater.
291
00:11:30,566 --> 00:11:32,526
And a very violent drunk.
292
00:11:36,655 --> 00:11:37,945
Huh?
293
00:11:37,948 --> 00:11:40,028
[Lous humming, laughing]
294
00:11:40,409 --> 00:11:43,249
So I know the last few months
haven't been easy.
295
00:11:43,245 --> 00:11:45,905
Yeah.
Neither is this.
296
00:11:45,914 --> 00:11:47,504
Especially the divorce.
297
00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:51,043
And I'm worried you're hurting, Lou.
298
00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:53,014
But pushing people away,
it won't make
299
00:11:53,005 --> 00:11:54,505
Ah, she came!
300
00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:56,183
LOU 2:
Oh, hey, Carmilla!
301
00:11:56,175 --> 00:11:57,625
Hey.
Hey.
302
00:11:57,634 --> 00:12:00,684
Dad, maybe we can finish
this dance later, okay?
303
00:12:00,679 --> 00:12:03,599
Sure, go... see your friend?
304
00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:09,613
You gotta try the Sunday bar.
Oh, I don't really like ice cream.
305
00:12:09,605 --> 00:12:12,935
No, no, no, it's just an empty bar
where you plan your perfect Sunday.
306
00:12:12,941 --> 00:12:14,111
Mine's an outdoor shower,
307
00:12:14,109 --> 00:12:15,779
the New York Times
Arts and Leisure section,
308
00:12:15,777 --> 00:12:18,107
followed by some aggressive antiquing.
309
00:12:18,113 --> 00:12:20,283
[laughs] You guys are so weird.
310
00:12:22,659 --> 00:12:25,869
So should we... finish this dance?
311
00:12:27,539 --> 00:12:29,789
♪
312
00:12:31,919 --> 00:12:34,759
Where exactly... do we stand?
313
00:12:34,755 --> 00:12:37,925
Well, I recently watched you
have sex with a robot.
314
00:12:37,925 --> 00:12:39,635
Like, a lot of times.
315
00:12:39,635 --> 00:12:40,925
And you were jealous?
316
00:12:40,928 --> 00:12:44,348
I also saw you sneakeat
loose cold cuts
317
00:12:44,348 --> 00:12:46,348
from under the mattress
during said sex.
318
00:12:46,350 --> 00:12:47,600
Then you were jealous?
319
00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:51,611
No. Look, I'm not ready to go back
to the way things were, okay?
320
00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:53,895
Yeah, me neither.
Keep things chill, as is,
321
00:12:53,899 --> 00:12:56,739
except maybe go back
to exactly how things were?
322
00:12:57,861 --> 00:12:59,401
Is that really what you want?
323
00:13:00,781 --> 00:13:03,911
No. Because clearly, you weren't happy.
324
00:13:03,909 --> 00:13:06,999
Look, MODOK,
the dinner the other night.
325
00:13:06,995 --> 00:13:10,955
Outside of being covered in robot guts,
it was pretty pleasant.
326
00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:12,958
So... maybe more of those?
327
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:15,300
I'd like that.
And cold cut sex.
328
00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:17,085
But family dinners, also solid.
329
00:13:17,089 --> 00:13:18,299
[Ciegrimite cackling]
330
00:13:18,841 --> 00:13:20,221
We're free!
331
00:13:20,217 --> 00:13:21,467
Oh no, what happened?
332
00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:24,008
They told me they'd compliment me
if I freed them.
333
00:13:24,012 --> 00:13:28,562
You're, uh, okay to be around
and your body
334
00:13:28,559 --> 00:13:32,059
Yes?
Is... of a certain shape?
335
00:13:32,062 --> 00:13:34,152
Oh. Yeah, I think I screwed up here.
336
00:13:34,147 --> 00:13:35,397
[Ciegrimites laughing]
337
00:13:35,399 --> 00:13:36,779
Everyone run!
338
00:13:36,775 --> 00:13:39,275
These things will
MTV's The Grind you to death!
339
00:13:39,278 --> 00:13:42,488
Bread ain't the only thing
we can make challah!
340
00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:44,236
[all gasp]
341
00:13:47,870 --> 00:13:49,910
[thudding footsteps]
342
00:13:49,913 --> 00:13:51,503
[Young MODOK cackling]
343
00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:54,708
Wondering how I'm alive
after you thought you saw me die?
344
00:13:54,710 --> 00:13:56,840
ALL: Robot.
Lucky guess!
345
00:13:56,837 --> 00:13:59,167
Time to finish what I started.
346
00:13:59,173 --> 00:14:00,843
Let's get him!
[all shout]
347
00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:03,391
You may have thought
you defeated me,
348
00:14:03,385 --> 00:14:06,505
but I'm more powerful
than you ever realized.
349
00:14:10,392 --> 00:14:13,652
All these months,
all my manipulations,
350
00:14:13,645 --> 00:14:16,685
they've all been leading
to this exact moment.
351
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:22,701
[grunts]
LOU: Dad, no!
352
00:14:25,574 --> 00:14:27,084
[grunting]
353
00:14:27,075 --> 00:14:28,115
[cackling]
354
00:14:28,118 --> 00:14:30,248
[grunting]
MELISSA: Oh no! Dad!
355
00:14:30,245 --> 00:14:31,325
Get behind me, kids!
356
00:14:31,330 --> 00:14:32,870
MELISSA:
Lous, watch out!
357
00:14:35,751 --> 00:14:36,961
[grunts]
358
00:14:43,592 --> 00:14:44,762
[yelps]
359
00:14:45,719 --> 00:14:46,889
Oh my god!
360
00:14:46,887 --> 00:14:49,637
♪
361
00:14:53,519 --> 00:14:54,349
No!
362
00:15:06,573 --> 00:15:07,953
[grunts]
363
00:15:07,950 --> 00:15:10,120
[groans, coughs]
364
00:15:11,995 --> 00:15:12,575
Please.
365
00:15:12,996 --> 00:15:16,076
I'm not the enemy.
It's about our future
366
00:15:16,083 --> 00:15:19,293
Yeah, yeah, I failed us.
And you came here to get revenge on me.
367
00:15:19,294 --> 00:15:21,964
No. I came here to give you
what you always wanted.
368
00:15:21,964 --> 00:15:25,094
I came to give you the world.
I can show you what that looks like!
369
00:15:25,092 --> 00:15:27,472
Why should I trust you?
We're the same person.
370
00:15:27,469 --> 00:15:28,969
Look at me and tell me I'm lying.
371
00:15:29,555 --> 00:15:31,305
[gasps] My honest face!
372
00:15:31,306 --> 00:15:33,926
Okay, show me.
But don't try anything.
373
00:15:33,934 --> 00:15:35,604
I won't.
I would.
374
00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:38,112
Well, I'm telling you I won't.
Well, I want to believe you.
375
00:15:38,105 --> 00:15:40,225
Then believe me.
Would it help if I promised?
376
00:15:40,232 --> 00:15:41,532
A little.
I promise.
377
00:15:41,525 --> 00:15:43,025
Wait, did you just wink?
No.
378
00:15:43,026 --> 00:15:45,066
Wait, wait, did I just wink?
I don't think so.
379
00:15:45,070 --> 00:15:47,360
Maybe you didn't see me wink
because you were too busy winking.
380
00:15:47,364 --> 00:15:50,704
Or maybe you didn't see me not wink
because you were too busy winking?
381
00:15:50,701 --> 00:15:52,241
Should we both wink
on the count of five?
382
00:15:52,244 --> 00:15:52,954
No.
383
00:15:53,537 --> 00:15:55,077
Yeah. Let's just get out of here.
384
00:15:59,918 --> 00:16:02,458
♪
385
00:16:05,799 --> 00:16:08,259
YOUNG MODOK: We met previously
in an alternate timeline
386
00:16:08,260 --> 00:16:10,470
where you traveled back
to a concert with your wife.
387
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,470
Nope, don't remember that.
And I remember everything.
388
00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:14,732
The name of the bad guys
in SpaceJam are the Monstars. Boom!
389
00:16:14,725 --> 00:16:16,475
You don't remember
because it was erased.
390
00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:18,306
[screaming]
391
00:16:21,273 --> 00:16:23,233
But I was not.
392
00:16:23,233 --> 00:16:26,613
Because of these crystals in my head,
I became unstuck in time.
393
00:16:27,321 --> 00:16:28,531
[grunts]
394
00:16:28,530 --> 00:16:31,120
[boy screaming]
395
00:16:31,116 --> 00:16:34,116
A remnant from a timeline
that never happened.
396
00:16:34,119 --> 00:16:36,459
You are but one of the many
I will crush along my path
397
00:16:36,455 --> 00:16:37,955
to selfassured greatness!
398
00:16:37,956 --> 00:16:39,826
For the future is MODOK!
399
00:16:41,627 --> 00:16:43,997
No longer MODOK, I became
400
00:16:44,004 --> 00:16:45,764
The Anomaly!
401
00:16:45,756 --> 00:16:47,216
In fact please call me that
from here on out.
402
00:16:47,216 --> 00:16:48,336
It's how I've been signing my checks.
403
00:16:48,342 --> 00:16:50,512
Is the shop
officially closed on that?
404
00:16:50,511 --> 00:16:51,601
Oh, you can do better?
405
00:16:51,595 --> 00:16:54,765
Uh, TimeyMcjumper?
Doesn'tNeedNoWatchGuy?
406
00:16:54,765 --> 00:16:56,135
[indiscernible mumbling]
407
00:16:56,141 --> 00:16:59,101
Oh, that last one
sounded promising.
408
00:16:59,102 --> 00:17:01,732
Couldn't make it out
with all the mumbling. What was it?
409
00:17:02,397 --> 00:17:03,607
The Anomaly's fine.
410
00:17:03,607 --> 00:17:06,067
Anyway, the crystals sent me spiraling,
411
00:17:06,068 --> 00:17:08,318
not only through time
but space as well.
412
00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:10,530
Into alternate futures,
our futures.
413
00:17:10,531 --> 00:17:12,991
Where I witnessed
every single one of them.
414
00:17:17,079 --> 00:17:18,959
Each ending in failure.
415
00:17:18,956 --> 00:17:20,116
[yells]
416
00:17:25,128 --> 00:17:25,958
[electricity crackles]
417
00:17:30,175 --> 00:17:32,925
Hawkeye gets me?
Well, at least it can't get any worse.
418
00:17:32,928 --> 00:17:34,558
Oh, it does.
419
00:17:36,515 --> 00:17:37,675
[gobbling]
420
00:17:37,683 --> 00:17:38,983
[gasps] Turkey Man?
421
00:17:41,562 --> 00:17:43,812
Ugh. Okay, well,
now it can't get any
422
00:17:43,814 --> 00:17:44,904
Wait for it.
423
00:17:47,025 --> 00:17:49,855
[groaning]
424
00:17:49,862 --> 00:17:52,822
Get comfortable. This toilet death
series goes on for a hot minute.
425
00:17:54,283 --> 00:17:55,453
[grunting]
426
00:17:55,742 --> 00:17:56,702
[groans]
427
00:17:57,035 --> 00:17:57,825
[coughs, gasps]
428
00:17:58,370 --> 00:18:00,080
Make it stop!
429
00:18:02,332 --> 00:18:04,002
[Kid MODOK sobbing]
MOTHER: Oh, here were go.
430
00:18:06,128 --> 00:18:07,798
They broke my invention.
431
00:18:07,796 --> 00:18:10,216
They... they called me "Big Head."
432
00:18:10,215 --> 00:18:13,755
MOTHER: One day that big, beautiful,
wombwrecking head of yours
433
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:16,010
is going to dream up
fantastic things.
434
00:18:16,013 --> 00:18:18,433
And you're going
to change the world.
435
00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:22,266
And you're going
to change the world.
436
00:18:22,269 --> 00:18:24,269
...change the world.
437
00:18:24,271 --> 00:18:25,401
...the world.
438
00:18:27,399 --> 00:18:31,449
All these years,
experimenting on myself, building AIM,
439
00:18:32,112 --> 00:18:34,572
trying to conquer the world
and make a better future,
440
00:18:35,657 --> 00:18:38,577
only to be undone by choking
441
00:18:39,286 --> 00:18:40,946
on toilet lasagna.
442
00:18:40,954 --> 00:18:42,794
Technically, you only choked
a few times.
443
00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:45,749
Other times your heart exploded,
you died of constipation,
444
00:18:45,751 --> 00:18:48,671
and one time you drowned in the bowl
which was really impressive.
445
00:18:48,670 --> 00:18:53,090
Why? Why show me that
my entire lifetime is meaningless?
446
00:18:53,091 --> 00:18:55,551
Why show me
that my dreams are a joke?
447
00:18:55,552 --> 00:18:58,352
Because you needed to appreciate it.
448
00:18:58,347 --> 00:19:01,977
The one possible future
out of a million
449
00:19:01,975 --> 00:19:03,595
where you succeed.
450
00:19:06,730 --> 00:19:10,400
♪
451
00:19:13,570 --> 00:19:17,280
[beeping]
452
00:19:17,282 --> 00:19:19,832
I... I did this?
453
00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:21,826
I mean, I do this? How?
454
00:19:21,828 --> 00:19:25,328
When I first learned you had a family,
I thought they were a weakness.
455
00:19:25,332 --> 00:19:27,672
Something preventing us
from achieving greatness.
456
00:19:27,668 --> 00:19:30,668
But after traveling through time,
I learned I was wrong.
457
00:19:31,338 --> 00:19:35,258
Your love for your family
is what makes all of this possible.
458
00:19:35,259 --> 00:19:37,389
No! I want to see it all. I'm not
459
00:19:40,222 --> 00:19:41,062
Ohh!
460
00:19:41,515 --> 00:19:43,675
...ready to leave this place.
461
00:19:43,684 --> 00:19:46,234
Your family is the key.
How?
462
00:19:46,228 --> 00:19:49,058
They make it all possible...
by dying!
463
00:19:49,064 --> 00:19:50,324
No!
Yes!
464
00:19:50,315 --> 00:19:53,355
Their deaths break you.
The grief and trauma fuels you.
465
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:56,450
Gives you the edge to beat the Avengers,
to conquer the entire world,
466
00:19:56,446 --> 00:19:59,826
to become the Emperor MODOK
you've always dreamed of!
467
00:19:59,825 --> 00:20:01,785
It's their final gift.
468
00:20:01,785 --> 00:20:04,035
Absolutely not!
I'll find another way.
469
00:20:04,037 --> 00:20:06,997
Ttthe new organization
that I started with Monica
470
00:20:06,999 --> 00:20:08,919
Never leaves the strip mall.
471
00:20:09,334 --> 00:20:12,004
Have you gone
through all of the permutations?
472
00:20:12,004 --> 00:20:15,384
What if I work longer hours?
Eat better? Start wearing chinos?
473
00:20:16,383 --> 00:20:19,643
Ooh, I would love to get you
into a nice pair of chinos.
474
00:20:19,636 --> 00:20:23,056
But it wouldn't change a thing.
I've seen every possibility.
475
00:20:23,056 --> 00:20:25,846
No, I'll find a way.
I mean, I beat you, didn't I?
476
00:20:25,851 --> 00:20:30,481
Yes, in a glorious metaphor,
you defeated yourself.
477
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,520
It has to be this way.
478
00:20:32,524 --> 00:20:36,074
Now let me be what the world
has labeled us: a villain.
479
00:20:36,069 --> 00:20:40,739
Let me do this so that
you can finally achieve
480
00:20:41,116 --> 00:20:42,986
your destiny.
481
00:20:42,993 --> 00:20:44,623
I can't.
482
00:20:44,620 --> 00:20:48,210
♪
483
00:20:55,506 --> 00:20:59,376
MOTHER [echoing]:
And you're going to change the world.
484
00:20:59,384 --> 00:21:01,894
I can't... do that.
485
00:21:02,387 --> 00:21:04,847
I know. But I can.
486
00:21:05,682 --> 00:21:07,392
That's why I'm here.
487
00:21:07,976 --> 00:21:11,056
♪
488
00:21:19,321 --> 00:21:23,991
[fireworks exploding in distance]
489
00:21:36,296 --> 00:21:37,586
Quite the big day, sir.
490
00:21:37,589 --> 00:21:40,339
They're unveiling the statue
depicting the other statue being made
491
00:21:40,342 --> 00:21:43,762
to commemorate the even bigger statue
of you at the center of the city.
492
00:21:43,762 --> 00:21:46,562
While you're away, we'll have
your Iron Throne cleaned.
493
00:21:46,557 --> 00:21:49,887
But not before I get a big ol' sniffer
of m'lord's heavenly hind smell.
494
00:21:49,893 --> 00:21:51,193
[sniffs deeply]
495
00:21:53,897 --> 00:21:56,977
♪ melancholy music playing ♪
496
00:22:03,782 --> 00:22:04,992
Fire up the machine.
497
00:22:04,992 --> 00:22:07,582
He can't take any more.
It'll kill him.
498
00:22:07,578 --> 00:22:09,958
Fire... it... up.
499
00:22:09,955 --> 00:22:11,365
[machine powers on]
500
00:22:11,373 --> 00:22:16,553
[electricity crackles]
[screams]
501
00:22:16,545 --> 00:22:18,835
[hoarse voice]
For the millionth time,
502
00:22:18,839 --> 00:22:20,509
it won't work.
503
00:22:20,507 --> 00:22:22,677
You can't have it all.
504
00:22:23,135 --> 00:22:24,965
Yes, I can.
505
00:22:24,970 --> 00:22:27,010
I'm very special.
506
00:22:27,806 --> 00:22:29,636
[groaning]
507
00:22:29,641 --> 00:22:30,981
Spoiler alert:
508
00:22:30,976 --> 00:22:34,186
I plan to release doves
during my Torah reading.
509
00:22:34,188 --> 00:22:36,358
MODOK: Magic?
Lou, why can't you just pick
510
00:22:36,356 --> 00:22:37,936
a normal teenage boy theme?
511
00:22:37,941 --> 00:22:41,071
Like sports. Or tugboats?
512
00:22:41,069 --> 00:22:43,529
I hate my life!
513
00:22:43,530 --> 00:22:44,910
Aw, Melissa
514
00:22:45,407 --> 00:22:46,907
No. No!
515
00:22:46,909 --> 00:22:49,039
[groaning]
516
00:22:51,079 --> 00:22:55,079
He's dead. And without the crystals,
there's no way to go back in time.
517
00:22:55,083 --> 00:22:56,713
I will find a way.
518
00:22:56,710 --> 00:22:59,000
I will save my family
and bring them here!
519
00:22:59,338 --> 00:23:03,008
MODOK will have it all!
520
00:23:03,008 --> 00:23:05,968
♪ Starcadian's New Cydonia
Alternate Version playing ♪
521
00:23:05,969 --> 00:23:08,969
♪
522
00:23:13,018 --> 00:23:15,438
♪ And I ♪
523
00:23:15,437 --> 00:23:18,607
♪ Never meant to tell you
everything was golden ♪
524
00:23:18,607 --> 00:23:22,357
♪
525
00:23:22,361 --> 00:23:24,781
♪ And why ♪
526
00:23:24,780 --> 00:23:28,660
♪ Do we dance around
the things we never tried? ♪
527
00:23:28,659 --> 00:23:31,579
♪
528
00:23:31,578 --> 00:23:34,288
♪ And I ♪
529
00:23:34,289 --> 00:23:37,669
♪ Can only put together
what is broken ♪
530
00:23:37,668 --> 00:23:39,038
♪
39444
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
