Original subtitles

[pages riffling]

[rats squeaking]

MODOK: Adaptoid!

Adaptoid!

Where are you? I'm so hungy.

I need brain food.

Maybe gravy in a pita pocket?

Adaptoid!

Ugh! I'll do it myself.

Ugh!

[clangs] Ah!

[creaking]

Ohh! I'm all out of fixins for Gravy Grabbers?

Hmm.

Well, maybe [sighs]

[eating noisily]

[bubbling, hissing]

Well, that was a mistake.

I gotta get out and get more food.

[horn honking]

Alleys aren't for sleeping. you menace.

Ugh! Wonder Man.

They're for trash and stray cats.

Just so everyone knows, I actually love the homeless,

but this particular homeless person is a villain

and his tent, his evil lair. [grunts]

But I'm not bothering nobody.

You're bothering property values.

I'm a victim of the dotcom crash.

WONDER MAN: That was 20 years ago!

Get yourself together, man.

[doorbell tinkles]

I'll have one child's party size lasagna

topped with sesame chicken

Oh, and can you write something like

"Congrats On Your Cool Life, MODOK," in soy sauce.

But don't make the lasagna so hot this time.

I keep burning my fingers.

Yes, sir, we understand that you eat with your hands.

I'll have you know the last six times I ate here,

I completely soiled my chair.

But I count every three diarrheas as one strike,

so it's three more chair craps and you're out, buddy.

If this continues, I have no choice but to write in an ADA complaint,

The American Diarrhea Association,

of which I have just become a member because of your lasagn

Jodie. Hey, MODOK.

Hey, Jodie!

Did you hear any of that? Yes, I heard all of it.

Well, you misheard. What, what are you doing here?

Having dinner. Wow, that's a big box.

Are you expecting company?

Why else would I order a child's party size lasagna?

I'm having lots of kids over, a very sophisticated soccer team.

[Jodie chuckles]

It's really good to see you, MODOK.

♪ wistful music playing ♪

Whoa, whoa, is this hobo asking you for change?

[chuckles] No, Wonder Man. This is MODOK.

Ahh. The famous MODOK.

Yeah, I'm sorry, I thought you were homeless.

I'm sure you can understand why.

I'm Wonder Man, pending Avenger,

underwear model, and lover of your wife.

[voice echoing] Lover, lover, lover...

I'm so sorry, MODOK. I should have told you.

[groaning]

Jodie, get back! Your husband was bitten by a raccoon and has rabies!

Wrong! I ate baking soda.

And if I did have rabies, it would not be from a raccoon.

It would be from the many rats that I live with in my apartment.

Goodnight! [slams door]

♪ dramatic theme playing ♪

♪

[groans] ♪ news jingle plays ♪

NEWSREADER ON TV: This is Marveltainment Tonight

They're calling them Hollywood's sexiest couple,

WonderJo! [groans]

Sources close to the couple are saying

that the gorgeous Wonder Man is the literal opposite

of MODOK in every way.

Did you know you're out of gravy?

Yes! That's how I got in this mess!

From these photos, it's pretty clear

that the ravenhaired beauty is extra satisfied

with Wonder Man's famous assets.

Oh, so she's into ass now?

Ooh! What's this? Could it be my weekly Sad Man's Magazine?

"Jodie and Wonder Man cordially invite you

to attend their paperback release party."

They're throwing a party together?

And inviting me to my house?

Initiate selfdestruct mode.

ROBOTIC VOICE: One minute to selfdestruction

MODOK, no! Don't kill yourself!

Living is for married men, Gary.

Maybe this is her way of saying

she wants to be with someone who takes care of themselves.

And maybe one day that could be you!

ROBOTIC VOICE: Thirty seconds to that sweet release.

So what you're saying is that Jodie is still madly in love with me?

Well Yes, it's so clear now!

The invitation, the touch on the shoulder.

She's only dating Wonder Man because he's perfectly symmetrical.

If I can do the same, I can show Jodie that MODOK can also be

[choking, gasping] ...traditionally handsome!

Abort selfdestruction.

Commence Mission Supreme Hotness.

♪ Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy by Tchaikovsky playing ♪

Melissa! Melissa! Hey!

Oh my God! Melissa!

I'm, I'm wet! But don't worry.

It's only 'cause I tried to drown myself!

Melissa, is that your wet dad? [chuckles]

Initiate selfdestruct.

[muffled shouting]

Uh, smothering yourself won't make me go away. I need help.

[muffled] I'm never helping you again.

Just hear me out. No way, Dad.

You never listen to me.

There is nothing you can say that would make me help you.

Absolutely nothing.

Please, Melissa! Your mom's ready to move on.

This is my last shot at winning her back.

I need a makeover!

That's right. A makeover.

Everything that bothers you, change it.

Mall. One hour.

Looks like my teenage daughter is gonna help me get laid.

♪ rock music playing ♪

Hey, JonJon. Ah!

[both kissing]

Is it classic lunch Wednesdays?

Because I'm ready to take a bite into this peanut butter and Melly!

I'm MODOK.

Oh my God, MODOK, are you serving me cratersized pores?

And who gave you permission to have such a big, gorgeous face?

MODOK seeks permission from no one!

I love how tedious you are.

Before we get started, I have two rules when it comes to fashion:

turtlenecks show class, and brown hides stains.

[shushes] The canvas doesn't speak.

Uhhuh? Too Carrie Bradshaw.

Too Terry Bradshaw.

Your giant blackheads are giving me life!

Oh!

Call the fire department.

Too Hawaiian Punch not enough KoolAid Man.

Too Goth Pilgrim.

Too fast.

Too furious.

Ugh. You're naked.

So how often do you wash your hair?

Well, some of it got wet when I tried to kill myself.

I love this Clooney Caesar, but I think it's time for a change.

You're about to have a hair moment.

[gasps] The new me! I love it!

Uh, I haven't done anything yet.

You're just so nice!

So how do I look?

You look... as good as you possibly could, Dad.

Now it's time to makeover your toxic masculinity

MODOK: Gotta go!

[camera shutters clicking] ♪ classical piano music playing ♪

♪ hip hop music playing ♪

♪

The handsomest man has arrived!

[all gasp]

It is I, MODOK, and I brought a date!

It's a JiggleO!

She's also a snack!

Get yourself a woman who can do both!

Mmm. Chorizo flavored!

Oh no! Look at Dad's face!

He went rogue and used a ton of fillers!

Uhp! I sense a wrinkle! Release the Filler Bots!

[crowd gasps]

They're just collagen spiders!

They're more afraid of you than you are of

Oh no, wait. No, they're not scared. [people screaming]

No one move!

[screaming continues]

Oh my God, MODOK?

Wow, he looks incredible.

Do you like my chair's butt? It's made of human fat!

Get a pic before it turns rancid!

[camera shutters clicking]

BRANDI: Jodie, as your publicist, I have to say

that you are literally changing lives

and breaking chains with your hardback book.

It's so inspiring, I could rip you to pieces.

[chuckles] Thanks, Brandi.

The thing is, hardback sales are dipping.

People find it too hard.

But I have the solution a softcover.

You mean a paperback?

No. Your softcover is coming out in a month,

and this has to be your moment.

You are so close to going goop.

I'm sorry. Excuse me?

Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop.

We need your lifestyle brand to goop hard and goop soon.

It's not enough to just trend. You have to stay trending.

Hold on, I gotta take a quick sip of the goop.

I call water goop because it's everywhere.

Eww.

I really need you to lean in to the Latina thing.

Talk about how your abuela smuggled

the recipe for her pozole over the border.

My grandma's from Boulder, Colorado. She eats canned soup.

Then how you played stick ball with your brujas in Queens.

No, wait. Dress like a skeleton.

No, wait, wait. You should chacha instead of walking.

The chacha isn't how Mexicans walk

Jodie, I'm getting the sense that you think this is racist.

Very much so, yes.

Well, if you aren't gonna spice it up for mama,

then we need a big publicinciting incident to make people care.

You need more!

More trench coats, more black gloves, more red, more maps,

and a lot more big, bossy widebrimmed hats.

You're describing Carmen Sandiego.

Damn right I am! She's a Latina icon!

Okay, Jodie, tough talk.

You don't look good from your left side. It's common.

Think of yourself as a UPS truck you can only go right.

Now oink with me, my little piggy,

because you are going to be my prized hog!

[snorting]

Jodie, you aren't oinking with me. Is there something wrong, pig?

I don't like it when you call me "pig."

Calling women "bitches" is derogatory.

That's why I said "pig," Jodie.

'Cause they're smart, they solve puzzles.

[sighs]

Look. I love my heritage,

but I'm not interested in being someone else's idea of Latina.

People will just have to accept me for who I am.

I hear you loud and clear.

You want to have a baby with will.i.am.

[sighs]

I'm so far behind Chicken Goop for the Wealthy Mother's Soul.

Oh, have you read that? I recommend it.

Really amazing. Changed my life.

Changed my life too.

I wish I could buy it for every woman I respect.

Which is every woman.

I'm sure the author would like that.

Yeah, I wish I could meet her and pick her brilliant mind.

Too bad she got hit by that train and her guts sprayed everywhere.

Excuse me, what?

Sorry, I know you're the author.

I was trying to be playful. I'm nervous,

and I'mI'm bad at flirting.

I knew you were flirting!

Is there any chance I could, I don't know, get your number?

I'm actually getting out of something right now.

Don't know if I'm really ready to, uh

Look, the last thing I want to do is pressure you.

But if you ever decide you are ready, whether that be months from now

or years from now, let's say no more than two years,

look me up.

I'm ready, here's my number.

[camera shutter clicks]

[cell phone rings] Ah. Damn. Work thing.

Ultron just hacked Uber. I will call you later.

[whooshing]

[cell phone ringing]

BRANDI: A magical spider should be writing messages

in a web above you because you are such a hog.

Wait. Why?

I said go goop and you dirty little pinkskinned,

curlytailed, magnificent oinking Jodie.

You're dating Wonder Man?

JODIE: Who is Wonder Man?

It's in the tabloids.

Aren't you a writer or something? Don't you read?

The guy I just met

BRANDI: La la la la la. I don't want to hear about your filthy sex life.

I want to read about it. In the press.

This is perfect. You have to keep seeing him.

It will do wonders, ha, for your book sales.

Oh, you sloppy barnyard beast,

you are eating right out of the Wonder Man trough.

I'm not doing this for the publicity, Brandi.

I'm just going to go on one date with Wonder Man

because it's what I want.

BRANDI: Okay, whatever you say, bitch, I mean babe, I mean pig.

Gotta go. Byeee! [hangs up]

So you grew up in Colorado? What was that like?

Well, you know, it could be tough at times. It's pretty white there.

Oh right, the snow.

So, uh, how did you get into acting?

My grandma. Oh really?

Yeah, she was the one who noticed that I just had a thing

for reaching out and touching the human heart.

Also, she was a huge powerful movie producer,

and she made them put me in movies.

Can you believe our bodies are made from stardust?

Uh, does it ever get exhausting having your life on display for everyone?

Well, you might think it's superstitious or even a little silly,

but I believe that if I don't pose for the cameras, I will die.

Ay yo! Oh my God! Oh my God!

Wonder Man. Will you sign my tire iron?

Of course.

Ay lady! III'm right here.

I didn't know nothin' about you until you started datin'

my buddy Wonder Man.

I read your book in one night.

You see that cab over there.

It used to smell like sewage,

and now it smells like a car.

A car!

Aww. The eighth step of Jodifying.

"Make things smell like they are."

Can I have a hug?

Can I borrow a thousand dollars?

No.

[camera shutters clicking]

♪

[crowd cheering]

Wrong side!

♪

[camera shutters clicking]

♪

Number two on the Best Sellers' list!

America's ready to taste your goop.

And we want America to say it tastes great.

Amazing!

Not amazing. You're so happy! People hate that.

[cell phone chimes] [gasps] Oh no.

You just dropped to three.

What? How quickly are they updating this list?

You were trending and now you're trundling,

like the bed under the bed no one wants to sleep on.

What do I do? I want to be a pig, not a bed!

You need drama.

Something scandalous to push you to number one.

Do you know anyone who can bring

big irreparable public drama into your life?

And if I did have rabies, it would not be from a raccoon.

It would be from the many rats that I live with in my apartment.

Goodnight! [door slams]

[chimes]

We're done here. Let's go.

Great, because this restaurant's insane.

What does "child's party size" mean?

And how much is a "diaper's worth of chow mein"?

Why did we ever come here?

♪ classical piano music playing ♪ [people chattering]

Mom, I want to stop playing.

My fingers are starting to bleed!

Oh, honey, you can stop playing when RuPaul gets here.

I shouldn't be turning pages.

I should be up on the piano, singin' sultry songs

and crawlin' around like the Fabulous Baker Boy I am!

No. I'm hoping RuPaul does that!

Now shush up and be the perfect children

I described in chapter 18.

He's here. Who?

I can't see past this damn brim!

[gasps] MODOK?

Wow, he looks incredible.

Yeah, an incredible train wreck.

And you orchestrated this whole thing.

Or should I say "porkestrated," you pig.

[singsongy] We've hit the truffle trove!

[both snorting]

Wow, you look great, MODOK.

I love your new bone structure.

Why, thank you, Jodie.

I picked out my cheekbones all by myself.

[camera shutters snapping]

Please don't make a scene.

It's not the time or the place to pick a fight with Wonder Man,

even though you and I both know you'd win.

And with everyone watching?

I mean, you'd be an instant legend.

Wow. But don't do it.

Don't you dare... do it.

Oh. Well, don't worry. I've changed.

I'm a new man. I literally have pieces of other men grafted to my body.

Oh, look who I found!

And MODOK, I'm glad you're here tonight, brother.

As am I.

Being friends with my girlfriends' husbands

has always been very important to me.

This tattoo means "blended family" in Wakandan.

Same here. About the importance.

And just so you know, I told the kids

there is no rush to call me "daddy."

Thanks for that.

Would you like to walk the red carpet with me?

More than anything!

Make room, Bruce and Ashton, because here comes another guy

who's being very cool about everything!

Bring it in.

[whispers] If it weren't for Jodie, I'd be bathing in a river of your blood.

I'd rip out your throat and feed it to stray dogs.

[whispers] If it weren't for Jodie, I'd wreck you, bro.

But the only killing I'm doing is with kindness.

It's official! We're going fourwheeling together!

I love that this man sleeps in my bed!

Jodie, they're just holding each other sweetly.

You said there would be drama.

Wherever MODOK goes, catastrophe follows.

This sucks. Mom's just using us to make her look good.

Yeah! Which is stupid because her outfit already makes her look amazing!

Screw this. If this is a party, then let's go party.

Good thing Dad doesn't keep a lock on the liquor cabinet.

Yeah, time to be bad.

But maybe the baddest thing we can do is do as we're told.

Oooh! Ugh.

Damn, no Kahlua. That's my drink.

What is this? Oh, no way!

It's Dad's Skinny Boy Laserita Gun.

It's a ray that makes you feel drunk without drinking anything.

[gasps] I shouldn't be holding this.

I thought it was one of those safe bullet guns.

[slurring] I feel like a Golden Girl!

Shoot me!

I don't know if I'm feeling it. Did I hear someone talking shit?

Listen closely, Wonder Man.

You're going to ruin Jodie's big night by punching me so hard

that you'll get blood all over this red carpet, ruining it.

I would never do that to my queen.

I'm gonna be on my hands and knees looking for my teeth in the grass

while my kids cry!

If anyone's going to get punched, it's me by you.

Nahuh. You're going to kick my dick off in front of my son.

I'm cool, brother.

Oh no! I got martini all over you.

Ugh. This is so embarrassing.

He's not embarrassed at all.

He's got a gorgeous body! [camera shutters clicking]

MELISSA: Here comes the mothertruckin' ruckus!

Yaahoo!

LOU: Ahhh!

Take that, piano!

Rock and roll music is what's cool.

Oh no! Billy Joel! What have I done?

I gotta know one thing, MODOK.

Do you wanna be on the right or the left

when we both walk Melissa down the aisle?

Jodie's just using you for sex! What did you say?

Jodie is just using you for sex.

Take it back, MODOK.

You're just a body that Jodie is primally attracted to.

Jodie loves me. It's just lust.

And when she's done receiving all the bonetingling orgasms

I could never provide,

she'll drop you like a hot bowl of grits.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up!

[crowd gasps]

Jodie... just loves... your huge... penis.

It's barely above average!

MODOK! Jodie, he hit me. I'm hurt.

I saw everything.

MODOK, you provoked him!

I'm a victim! Oh please.

The new hair, the new teeth, the new butt you stapled to your chair.

It's all so superficial.

You're always gonna be the same MODOK.

But, Jodes

I suggest you leave,

after tagging yourself in a photo with the book

and posting on Instagram!

[crowd applauding]

[squirrel chittering]

[both laugh]

This is amazing.

Yeah. I have been wanting to get squirrels drunk for forever.

No. No. I'm talking about us actually hanging out.

Yeah. You've been alright.

I used to think that Dad sucked more than anyone,

but then I met Wonder Man.

Geez, Mom really knows how to pick 'em.

Mom kinda sucks now too.

I know! She's such a phony.

Man, they are not handling the divorce well at all.

At least we have each other, Lou.

Yeah, we'll always have each other.

Well, until I go to college.

Yeah, yeah, until then.

Oh. Oh. I'm gonna try to get these two neighbor dogs to bang.

[dogs barking] Nice!

I missed but they started anyway.

♪

♪

"Chapter One: Honoring your space."

JODIE'S VOICE: Your home is a reflection of your spirit.

[rats squeaking] [rhythmic slapping]

Oh shit.

My book is number one, baby!

Eat my pussy, Chicken Goop!

I'm so happy for you, babe.

I knew if MODOK saw us at that takeout place,

he'd show up and make a scene.

Oh, and you! Oh, bravissimo!

How come you're never that convincing in movies?

So, what's next for WonderJo?

Well, I thought we were going axthrowing after dinner?

No, I mean, like for our brand.

This relationship is so hot, we need to keep it simmering.

Are you just dating me for the fame?

Yeah.

Ooh, we should we get caught in a bribery scandal!

But who would we bribe and for what

Jodie, I had real feelings for you.

Really?

Wait, what do you mean "had"?

If you're breaking up with me right now,

we need to be in a much more public space.

What happened to you?

You made me beat up your exhusband.

You gave your son a peanut allergy.

You laughed at that! I was in love!

You're always talking about how we should pose for the cameras.

That's because I'm shallow, and how dare you hold that against me!

You know, I always Wondered, trademark,

how you could have been married to a supervillain.

But now I get it. You're just like MODOK.

Maybe worse.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go slam a dumpster lid

on the Tatterdemalion's fingers.

Goodbye, Jodie.

Oh God!

It all went perfectly according to plan

just like you said.

Then it's time to enact... the second phase.

Mmm... yes... the next phase.

I 100% remember it,

but if you could just say it out loud anyway, whatever,

because it's so good.

I believe he's referring to me.

[cackling]

Why is he laughing? He didn't say anything funny!

Who is this? Arcade.

He's a specialist... of death!

[chuckles] [Arcade continues cackling]

Am I missing something? That wasn't funny either!

JODIE'S VOICE: Chapter three.

Jodifying isn't only about organizing your closets.

It's about spiritual tidiness.

Chapter ten.

We hold onto things because we're afraid of losing them.

But ultimately we hold on so tight we lose the most important thing of all:

ourselves.

Letting go... is essential

to living in balance.

Jodie, there's something I wanna say.

You were right. I really needed to change.

I'm still in love with you and wanted for it to work between us.

But now [inhales deeply]

I know that I was trying for my own sake, not yours.

The right thing to do is to let go.

Jodie, what are you doing?

[both moaning]

Come here.

Oh! Oh!

[clattering]

I missed you so much.

♪