Original subtitles

[pages riffling]

?

MODOK: Ah, a weekend free of the challenges of marriage,

fatherhood, and the running of AIM!

Sixty-three hours of unfettered recreation!

[pages riffling]

[guitar strumming]

MAN: I'm not wearin' a wire.

You're wearin' a wire!

Sixty-two hours, fifty-four minutes left.

- Now what to do? - Why don't you hang out with me?

We can tell our future! Find out where we're gonna live.

Who we're gonna marry!

A shack?

With Mama Fratelli from The Goonies?

Two-hundred kids!

Ugh, just turn into a TV!

Yes! Yes! Beer! Alcohol!

Drink it with your friend! Your robot best friend!

Alcohol! I can drown my loneliness in alcohol!

Yeah.

Not with you. With people worthy of my company.

- Then what do I do? - I don't know, chase bubbles?

Um, I'm a state-of-the-art sentient robot. I'm not...

Uh. Ho ho, bubbles!

[laughing] Bubbles! How do they float?

? dramatic theme playing ?

?

? club music playing ?

[whooshing]

RECEPTIONIST: Uh, is this card current?

Have you paid your dues?

I'm sort of a walk-right-in kind of guy.

Yeah, no.

Who's filling my ears with nonsense while I drink Pinot Grigio?

Wha... Hey, that guy knows me! Leader, help me out.

Tell everyone how much better than you I am.

This is a sophisticated club for elite villains.

Not a riffrafferarium.

You're out of your weight class, darling.

[chuckles] Joke's on you. I've never been heavier!

He means you're small potatoes.

I just came from Ponderosa Steakhouse!

I'm full of huge potatoes!

They're saying you're not a top-tier super villain.

Ponderosa classified me as a supper villain!

Good lord, get out of here!

I'm a big deal!

I just fought Iron Man! I stole his boot!

Your ass stole his boot when he shoved it too far inside you!

You guys are pricks. Let me hang out with you!

You want to impress us, eh?

Why don't you fetch Captain America's shield?

Then we'll let you in.

But he loves that thing!

Plus I'd have to break into Avengers Tower...

Listen to him. Already making excuses for failure yet to come.

[Mr. Sinister laughing]

Come on, I want to tell you about a house I saw in La Ca�ada.

Sir, the low-rent villains who are roundly mocked here

usually slink away to the Bar With No Name.

That kindness just earned you a potato.

I got it started for you.

JODIE: MODOK?

[door opens, closes]

You here?

Why are we at Dad's office on a Friday night?

There's a whole chapter in my book about recipes I serve my son

who I claimed has a trendy nut allergy,

and there you are on YouTube

eating 10 Payday bars for no reason!

Oh, it was definitely for a reason.

Can I at least hang at daycare?

I love the daycare here!

They have those baby urinals that make me feel like King Piss.

AIM AGENT: You again?

The last time you were here, you ate all the Play-Doh!

I was practicing for the Ten Payday Bar Challenge!

You're a teen, go to the Teen Zone!

Teen Zone? Finally, a calzone just for teens?

Oh, Teen Zone.

Beanbag chairs. Par-a-doice!

[sighs]

Do you party? I brought hardboiled eggs.

Save me, Joy Division.

[loudly] Whoa! I like music too!

?

[sighs]

Yes, I'll take a pear brandy cordial.

Plum brandy will do in a pinch.

BARTENDER: We've got whiskey.

[grunts] [glass shatters]

Look what you did to my drink, you dirt man!

Hey! You're Moomock!

Hey, Ten Pin, it's Moomock!

MODOK. Mental Organism Designed...

Yo, what's Moomock stand for?

- I... I don't know. - Hey, you wanna play darts?

I mean, someone stole the darts,

but we throw knives and stuff at Poundcakes.

- [grunts] - You throw like a girl

who hasn't fully realized her potential yet.

Come on. It's so cool having you here.

You're one of those big brain guys.

We're more of a bunch of fisters.

I think I know what you think you mean.

THE MELTER: Ah, leave him alone, Armadillo.

Johnny College ain't one of us.

The guy doesn't have the stomach

for down-and-dirty street crime...

Ah, my stomach!

You dare challenge my masculinity?

I'll have you know my last donnybrook was a bona fide fracas!

This guy's a tourist.

Why are you even here, brother? Shouldn't you be at the Soho Lair?

Well, it turns out that place isn't cool anymore.

Oh my god, he couldn't get in!

[all laugh]

They're just breaking balls, man.

Ah yes. "Breaking. Balls."

I once broke the fused-ring structure of Buckyballs to reverse the...

Told you he ain't one of us.

You're asking yourself, "Who's rocking so hard right now?"

It's Sweetleg. My band.

I'm kind of the lead singer.

I'm actually definitely the lead singer,

I don't know why I'm being so bashful about it.

I don't like it.

If you're a lyrics guy, you'll probably like our concept album

about a car that turns into a woman and then has sex with me.

[music stops]

Hey, I put my last two dollars in there!

I wanna hear Carly Rae Jepsen.

[grunts]

[shrill scream]

[grunting]

Hmmm.

?

I'll use these fools to get Captain America's shield.

Denizens of the Bar With No Name!

I'm enlisting you all to a great purpose. A heist!

- A heist for you? - What's the heist?

Uh... I can't tell them the real reason,

that they're basically sacrificing their lives

for something that will only benefit me...

- We're waiting! - I'm thinking!

What do poor people like? Oh, I know.

Money! You'll get money!

How much?

Enough to buy whatever you desire.

[gasps] We can each get our own pontoon boat!

Uh... not that much. Maybe two people per pontoon boat.

[all cheering]

Boats are a lot of responsibility!

Someone to share the burden with!

You were wrong! He is one of us!

Ohh! Why did I lie about how many pontoon boats they could get?

Why didn't I just say they could have 10 pontoon boats?

You can all have 10 pontoon boats!

That's too many. Is this a real heist?

I knew it! Alright, it's back to half-a-boat each!

- Woo! - Yeah!

I love a pontoon boat!

Alright. We're gonna pull off this heist.

It's gonna be complicated. To start, we...

- I have a question. - Yes. Angar.

Why are you calling on him? You don't get to call on people.

Does this seem like a natural stopping point to go get food?

Natural stopping... I just started!

But Night Loaf, the all-night meatloaf place, is closing in an hour.

No food. Now the first thing to do...

Wait, how is it an "all-night meatloaf place" if it's closing?

Because it gives you that beef energy to go all night!

Oww! Ha ha!

Now I have a question.

- Stop, no... - Yes. Ten Pin.

Is there hacking involved? Or reading? Because none of us can read.

What? None of you?

Yep. Our old gang was called The Illiterates.

We got hats made and everything.

Pretty cool, right? What does it say? Are they making fun of us?

Is who making fun of you?

- The milliners. - The milliners?

Ooh, "the milliners."

Listen to Mr. Fancy Words here.

You said it before I did!

Yeah, to make fun of you.

[all laughing]

Everyone, shut up!

Can we please focus on just the first phase of the plan?

There's no "phase" in smash and grab!

This is not a smash and grab!

This guy's impossible. I'm out.

Easy, Melter. This is the cash you need to realize your dream.

A high-cholesterol grilled cheese truck.

For hungry boomers like me.

I'm back in.

Okay. This is a multi-layered operation with...

Multi-layered. Like the meatloaf.

It goes beef, turkey, beef.

The turkey is always so dry.

Oh yeah, dry turkey!

MODOK: Everyone shut up!

Let me at least get through the first thing.

Ten Pin, with his exploding pins,

takes out the cameras...

Armadillo, do you want to call on Ten Pin?

Yes! Ten Pin.

I don't actually have my pins.

[stammers]

Ohh. [sighs]

Where... are they?

?

Okay, we're getting the pins, just the pins,

then back to the heist.

Guys, look at this! This football's a phone!

- Oh my god! - I want it! I want it!

I'm here for this asshole's exploding pins.

You want your bowling pins? You give me 500 bucks.

What? That's outrageous!

You only gave me 490!

- Just pay him. - I can't. I donated it to PBS.

You're an Illiterate who loves PBS?

- I'm Ten Pin! - Oh, Jesus.

Do you do trades?

Ooh, this is nice.

Yes. It's top-rate.

I'll say.

[moaning]

That feels literally perfect.

You should be careful of cutting your tongue.

[continues moaning]

The metal feels so nice and cool.

- Jesus! - Wow, great blade.

Can I just have the pins please?

- Okay, why not. - Great. Let's get out of here.

But first we gotta get these jackets so everyone knows we're a crew!

Angar's Screamers!

What? No! Can we just go? This guy's freaking me out.

No, no! We're Poundcakes' Pummelers!

Armadildo's Fist Force Five.

There's six of us! And did you say "Armadildo"?

[scoffs] No... Unless you liked it?

[stammering] Crew names are stupid.

And if we had a name, it would be MODOK's Six.

We're getting the jackets.

Hm? What?

You really need to stop playing with that blade!

Why do you have my wife's ring?

I thought we were working it out!

[glass shatters] I gotta go save my marriage!

You gotta pay for that! Or this is gonna be you!

[screams]

[all screaming]

THE MELTER: That was crazy.

I need a little milk of magnesia to calm my ulcer.

[coughs]

Where the hell did Armadillo go? I need him for the heist.

I, I think he went to his ex-wife's house again.

She lives in Paramus.

Ugh. Who has a car?

- Repossessed. - Lost mine in a bet.

Also repossessed.

Living in mine but it doesn't run.

[groans]

[phone rings]

- Hello. MODOK: That's not how I taught you.

Ugh! Bonjour, chateau MODOK!

After 6:00, it's bonsoir, you stupid robot!

- I need you. - [gasps] Oui!

[clattering]

- Who's there? BATTLE ORBS: Battle Orbs armed.

I'm... looking for MODOK.

Battle orbs stand down.

BATTLE ORBS: Awww.

Oh, are you his secretary?

Secretary? Battle orbs re-arm!

BATTLE ORBS: Oh yeah!

Who are you? How did you get in here?

I'm MODOK's wife.

Sort of... Ugh, it's complicated.

Anyway, I have a bit of a work emergency.

You're MODOK's wife?

[drawer door opens] [cork pops]

I have... so many questions.

BATTLE ORBS: Us too! Are we killing or are we killing?

[whooping] [tires screeching]

[laughing, whooping]

Is the air okay? Everything okay with the temperature?

It would be excruciatingly painful for me,

but I could make you a moonroof.

MODOK, your car is really annoying.

Think of me as less a car

and more of, well, one, as a van.

And, two, a part of the team.

Do not think of him.

Fine, I'll just put on a real radio station.

[as radio DJ] You're listening to The Real Guy and The Pooch.

We're talkin' about the great Adaptoid!

[mimicking airhorn]

Let's take a caller.

[as woman] Hi, this is Becky, and I love the Adaptoid!

[as DJ] Whoa, you sound like an absolute smokeshow!

[as Becky] Guilty! I look like the Adaptoid!

[as DJ] Ooh, daddy like! [wolf whistle]

Run, Forrest, run!

S-s-smokin'!

My god, what does he want from us?

SUPER ADAPTOID: [as Becky] For you to call in!

Dial 1-ADAPTOID-NOW...

Why is the caller the one giving us the phone number?

SUPER ADAPTOID: [as Becky] Uh-oh. Uh, sorry.

Okay, I'm just gonna turn his volume off.

SUPER ADAPTOID: No, MODOK, you can't!

I love you! I have... Crohn's Disease...

He doesn't have Crohn's Disease.

If anyone has undiagnosed Crohn's Disease, it's me. And I do.

Alright, once we get Armadillo, the heist is back on.

We're married! Doesn't that mean anything to you?

Ay, por favor. We have been divorced for eight years!

You don't even give me a ring, remember?

But that's the kind of ring I would have gave you!

And you broke my heart when you pawned it!

You're delusional!

Buddy, if you don't leave my wife alone, I'm gonna kick your ass!

The Mandrill!

Ooh, Irene certainly has a thing for animal villains.

Okay, tie up your robe and let's fight!

It's a kimono,

and this is how you wear it!

Hey, wha... ah, okay, okay, ow!

Armadillo, get in the van!

And stop comin' around here!

I just thought maybe if you saw me all drunk, throwin' a tantrum,

it would win you back!

Mandrill, get inside.

- Okay. - Armadillo, go away.

He put in that kind of door just so he could do that!

I'm sorry that, that, um... happened to you.

It just hurts.

Accepting the fact that people are capable of falling out of love with you.

- You know? - Yes!

I mean, no! I'm happily married.

Super happily. I back up the orgasm truck every night.

Wow. That's really brave of you to share that with me.

I can't do this heist, guys. I'm goin' home.

Wait! I can fix this.

No! Who did this? [tires screeching]

And how?

[all laughing, whooping]

[laughing]

Ten Payday bars?

Some YouTube stunt, I don't know.

And MODOK is useless, I take it?

The only thing he's useful for is turning on a large hadron collider.

Which is not what I call my vagina.

[laughs] Well, you are very cool.

No, I'm a jerk.

I'm bagging on MODOK, but I came here

to beg him to fix my stupid lie.

I was hoping he could wipe the video off the internet

or release a targeted neuro-virus that would erase everyone's mind.

You know, somethin' simple.

Forget MODOK.

The best geneticist in the world is on staff.

- Who? - [burps] Me.

[laughing, cheering]

Hey, Melter. I was thinking about a name for your grilled cheese truck.

Manchego Winnebago!

[coughs]

I have a name already. And it's perfect.

And I ain't sharing it with no one!

[coughs]

Fine, I'm just trying to help.

Okay, it's time for phase one of our plan!

- First stop... - Night Loaf!

I thought Night Loaf was closed.

No! It's a full moon, so they reopen for werewolf hours.

What? Alright, first the heist

and then we'll see if this Night Loaf place is even real.

GROUP: [cheering] Night Loaf!

We need some tunes that jam.

Ow.

Nothing jammed harder in the summer of '77

than my band Sweetleg and our album Look the Hell Out.

That ain't just me talking, that's Crawdaddy magazine,

with Henry Winkler on the cover.

[engine revving]

Rock and roll, grandpa!

Grandpa? Who's insulting me like this?

Give me my cheaters so I can look these punks in the face!

- He's so wrinkly! - So gross!

Oh, someone's self-conscious! [both laugh]

Yeah, looking all ashamed and shit. BOY 2: Just die already, you old bag.

Why don't you show them how to rock?

? Mississippi Tingle ?

[shrill scream] [glass shatters]

- Get him! Let's go. ANGAR: Ah, what the hell?

Oh, that's a crossbow! Go!

MODOK: Go, go, go, go, go! [tires screeching]

Oh my god, I've been shot!

This is it. I'm dying.

This is my death rattle.

- [groans] - It hit the license plate.

Oh good, that's not actually a part of me.

Oh, oh. Turn here! Turn here!

[tires screeching]

Angar! Your band's been broken up for 30 years,

you've got to let it go.

Stop living in the past...

[gasps] Oh my god, this is my old high school.

I have to go in there! Move!

Are you serious?

This is the longest phase one in history!

There's no phase one in a smash and grab...

Shut up, Melter!

The Muenster Truck?

Not even... [coughing]

close.

I need that shield.

[vehicle approaching]

Back off, teens! I'm a high-tech robot!

I'm more than meets the... [car door opens, closes]

Oh god, I forgot to lock the doors! [tires screeching]

[sighs]

I had every state track and field record,

but I'll never see my name on any of these trophies.

Oh right. You can't read.

I know what my name looks like!

Sideways horseshoe, the donut,

the ladder with a broken rung, the twisty snake.

The point is, they took my name off the trophies

after the drug testing.

Oh, you were juicing.

No. The blood tests showed I had mutant abilities.

Goodbye, Olympics. Goodbye, everything.

[sniffles] I still worked hard for these.

[crying] I'm sorry.

[glass shatters]

Does this help?

[grunts]

- Whoa! - Nice one, Poundcakes!

No.

Hey, maybe we should just call it a night, huh?

Yeah, I gotta get back to not doing anything.

Wait! Look, I know what it's like to want to give up.

You guys are afraid. I understand that fear.

Fear that your best days are behind you.

Fear of being forgotten.

Fear of moving on.

Fear of dropping things.

Ahh!

Or the fear of being such a born failure

that you never even deserved the fear of losing anything to begin with.

Why is mine so much worse?

You need to dig under the fear to find anger and vengeance!

So when you're laughed out of the Soho Lair,

you assemble a crew to steal Captain America's shield

from Avenger's Tower, but you don't give it to them.

Instead, you use it to smash their stupid faces in

so that they'll love you and accept you!

And say "Oh, MODOK, you are good and not bad!"

Wait. There was never any money?

This was all about a shield?

You were just using us to get back in with your A-list buddies!

- Told you he wasn't one of us! - Wait! Stop!

Blow it out your ass!

- [shrill scream] - [grunting] Ow!

Why does this school have so many pole vaulting champions?

?

The crew! They came back for me!

Ahh!

SUPER ADAPTOID: Help me!

[thunder rumbling] [gasps]

Perfect. The rain will wash away my tears.

Now my crying's a secret.

[sobbing] [neon light buzzing]

It's real?

Welcome to Night Loaf.

I am the Loaf Knight.

Choose your loaf wisely.

Sir Loaf, as much as we'd love more loafs,

we've spent all of our Loaf Tokens.

Silence! The loaves have already been paid for.

By who?

The crying man on the floating toilet!

Hey, guys. This place is great!

I didn't realize it was medieval themed.

It is not.

Well, it's very confusing.

Anyway, I wanted to say I'm sorry.

Sorry for what? Lying to us about breaking into Avengers Tower?

Well, it's not "lying."

It's more like deliberately withholding information to deceive you.

Or how you were gonna risk our lives to get some stupid shield

to impress your fancy friends?

Well, it's not a stupid shield. It's a very famous shield, guys.

And after all of that, you wanna buy us dinner

and we're supposed to forgive you?

Well, not just any dinner, it's Night Loaf.

You were all pretty excited about it before.

Frankly, you wouldn't shut up about it.

Okay. You're right.

I am sorry.

I didn't give you enough credit.

But you guys don't give yourselves enough credit.

Yeah, we suck.

No! You know who sucks? Those snobs at the Soho Lair.

While they're kicking back in their posh headquarters,

you're out here hittin' the pavement.

You got heart, you got grit.

You're just grittin' around in the dirt.

Look at these dirty fingernails! They're absolutely disgusting!

I was tunneling.

Is tunneling even an Armadillo thing?

It is.

The point is, Melter was right.

I'm not one of you... but I want to be.

- Welcome back. - We'll take you back.

I promised you a score. And I shall deliver.

Let's rob Night Loaf!

- What? No! - Shh! Loaf Knight can hear you!

He's all the way over there.

I hear everything!

Oh my god, he heard.

He's killed three people since we got here.

I know what we should steal.

Captain America's shield.

Really? [all agreeing]

But we take the shield

and hang it up in the Bar With No Name.

[all cheer]

To Melter. Slightly changing my idea just enough so I can't sue him!

Wait, MODOK is your dad?

I have so many questions.

[door slams] Mom!

He's not my boyfriend!

Relax, Carmilla,

I just altered his DNA to give him a peanut allergy.

A pea-what what-ergy now?

Oh, you can do that?

I can make him allergic to anything, come to think of it.

Cats, the color blue, oxygen...

Peanuts is fine.

I'm allergic to peanuts now?

Oh, I'm complex!

And I'm finally carrying an EpiPen for a reason!

Ah, sweet! JODIE: Let's go, Lou.

Say hi to MODOK.

And say goodnight to LOUIS,

Lanky Organism Undeniably Irresistible and Syphilitic.

I haven't looked up that last word, but I think it sounds beautiful.

Shhh. Don't tell me what it means.

[chuckles]

Avengers Tower, here we go!

- [all whooping] - Ain't nothin' gonna stop us now!

[all snoring]

MAN ON PA SYSTEM: Last stop, Coney Island/Stillwell Avenue.

Everyone must get off.

Oh no. We missed our stop.

- Aww. - Oh man.

What do we do now?

MODOK: Ooh! I can't believe I let us fall asleep.

I failed you all again.

What? That was a fun night, man.

Yeah, brother. I mean, we did a car chase,

a guy sawed his arm off,

and I got to see Mandrill's famous hog.

And I got wasted.

And I got to eat real food!

[gasps] Grilling Me Softly with Chevre!

Just stop. Here, come here.

[indiscernible whispering]

Perfect name.

ANGAR: Hey, Modie.

How many of us were you gonna sacrifice breaking into Avenger's Tower?

I'd formulated a plan with a 98.7 percent chance of success

that would have only lost two of you.

Oh, that's way better odds than we usually get!

Let's finish the night out with one more drink

at The Bar With No Name.

They put out free donuts at 7:00.

ARMADILLO: I want that too. ANGAR: Hell yeah, that's a good idea.

Melter! Donuts!

Melter, come on! Melter!

Oh!

Oh.

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Oh, MODOK!

Those teens kidnapped me and drove me,

and then they started talking about The Great Gatsby.

They thought they were so smart, but it was so trite and...

Wow, you look weird...

[yelping]

?

? rock music playing ?

?

? Yeah ?

? Zoomin' on a beezer on a flat black backway ?

? Big fat frammie gonna overload ?

? Squeezin' on a brick top looking for a chammy ?

? Mary's takin' pickles till she's gonna explode ?

? We got a high glider and it's never coming down ?

? A low rider taking over the town ?

? We're gonna split the night and it ain't surprising ?

? Gotta Mississippi Tingle risin' ?

?

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