Original subtitles

[pages riffling]

♪

LOU: This is me! MELISSA: Oh, this is mine!

Mine. I want that. MELISSA: Mine. Mine. Mine

No, that's mine. MELISSA: Mine

LOU: Oh, I call Roomba. MELISSA: Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Mine. Mine. I call Dad's flat screen!

I call

You're both good kids,

and that's why I'd be happy

to go with either of you.

LOU: Ooh! Sixfoot extension cord! Hey, that goes with my TV!

Oh, you rotten kids!

I saw it first!

Dad wanted me to have it.

It was one of the last things he ever said to me.

"Melissa, I think of you as an extension of me.

"I want you to have the sixfoot extension cord

that clearly goes with the TV."

I can hear him saying that.

I'm just moving out. I'm not dead!

To Mom, you are.

Oh my god, I'm the product of a broken home.

First this, then I act up in school, drop out.

All of a sudden, I'm giving happy endings behind an Arby's

just so I can pay for a taste of that sweet street sleet.

Jesus, Lou. "Happy endings"?

Does that mean you're giving full massages behind the Arby's?

Yeah. It's bad.

Kids, listen, the thing you need to know about me and your Mom is

[whispers] she's lost!

She's lost her mind, she's lost her way.

You have to stop her! JODIE: MODOK,

what are you telling the kids?

I'm comforting them!

[whispers] And if you tell her I said any of this,

this'll be one of the many divorces where it is the kids' fault.

MODOK, it's the movers. They can be here tomorrow.

Will you be home before six?

Hmm, tomorrow. Let me pull up the ol' calendar.

Ooh, I'm swamped. What's next week look like?

Uhp! Swamped. Swamp, swamp, swamp.

Okay, let's look at Septem Nope, Swamptember.

And then actually in Swamptober, I've got that big trip with the boys

to the swamp of course.

Uh, just tell the movers we'll schedule something in the new year.

MODOK, you're stalling.

I'm not stalling! Oh my god, what's that?

Nice, just bought myself three more seconds in the house.

This is starting to really make me sad.

Oh, sweetie, it's okay.

We'll still do things as a family.

The signing of divorce papers, the ugly custody battle.

You're gonna be involved with all of it.

No. Dad's CD collection.

Who the hell still has CDs?

What's a Hoobastank?

The Beatles of the late '90s.

Who are the Beatles?

Hoobastank of the early '60s.

Ohhohoho. Okay. Alright.

Aw, Third Eye Blind. I can't believe you still have this.

We were all set to see them at Kirby University,

but we missed it for some reason.

Would have been fun.

You know what? Keep the CD.

Unfortunately, I can't part with it,

so I'm going to have to stick around as well.

We need to stay together for the CD.

I need you to pick a date for the movers.

Alright, kids, I'm so sorry I called you rotten.

Here's the deal: I'm scared.

There are a lot of changes going on,

and I do not want to end up at your Dad's studio apartment.

Why is the toaster talking to us?

You little brats! You want a toaster?

Next time you two are taking a bath,

I'm gonna jump in and fry you all to hell.

Uh, we're not little kids anymore.

We don't take baths together.

That makes me so sad!

Where is the time going?

This family is falling apart! I'm so scared!

♪ theme music playing ♪

♪

GARY: Umm, mocha frappe for the gentleman.

Silence! I'm busy hacking SHIELD's servers.

I have no time to leisurely consume iced beverages.

I didn't say I didn't want it. Hold it to my mouth while I work.

[slurping]

Well? Don't you want to know why I'm hacking into SHIELD?

Yes, of course. Sorry. I haven't been sleeping well.

My phantom limb pain has been

I'm hacking into SHIELD to take back the time machine I invented

and they stole.

Don't you want to know why I need the time machine?

I'm sorry. It's hard to concentrate.

I've been on a lot of antidepressants since I lost my favorite arm

Oh my god, Gary.

Keep your personal life out of the office.

I'm gonna use the time machine to fix my marriage,

by taking my wife to a Third Eye Blind concert

from 17 years ago.

Then she'll remember how things used to be between us.

A time before I felt comfortable enough to fart in our marital bed.

And at her father's deathbed.

And at his wake.

And during the entirety of her tearful eulogy.

[chiming]

No! What's happening?

MmmmModawg!

Great to see you enjoying our new Peaceful Pause policy.

All computers shut down the last minute of every hour.

A gift to all our employees.

You dare attack MODOK's productivity?

Take a break. Stretch your legs.

Take some time to nurture your physical self.

I'm in peak physical condition!

Peak condition? More like peak of Shit Mountain.

[cackles]

Shit Mountain's not real! She made it up! You gotta believe me!

Ah, the Compact Disc.

Sometimes, because I'm your superior,

I forget how much older you are than me.

[beeping]

Austin, answer the following questions:

What was the address of your childhood home?

Was your bedroom on the first floor?

Did the window have an easily pickable lock?

Were you deathly allergic to anything as a kid?

Look at you, taking an interest.

401 East 97th Street. Yes. Yes. And strawberries.

I'm deathly allergic to strawberries.

[computer chimes]

You see? Bros for life in one Peaceful Pause.

How 'bout I pop by with some Topo Chicos in 59 minutes

and we do a deep dive on Modaddydohdawg?

Aha! I've located the SHIELD facility containing my time machine.

To obtain it, I'll have to use my incredible mastery

of espionage.

Ayyy, I'm water delivery man Dave Deepdishski.

From Chicago. Chitown, my town, is where I hail from.

When I'm not chowin' down on authentic hot beef sandwiches,

I'm takin' architectural boat tours

and visiting da Sears Tower.

GARY: And I'm Kyle I'yam. From Columbus, Ohio, I hail.

First of all, it's the Willis Tower now.

And secondly, we don't have water coolers.

Also, how did you get up here?

Plan B: Human Projectile. GARY: What's human proj

[MODOK grunts] [guard yells]

[sighs] Cerebro, Ultimate Nullifier,

Dr. Strange's prescription pad. Oh, rip!

Here it is! My time machine!

Hand me that glowing purple crystal. GARY: What is it?

The Celestial ChronoCrystal,

the cosmic artifact that powers my time machine.

By the way, I hope kids were not in the picture

because the crystal you're holding is highly radioactive.

Definitely sterile now.

Your balls are completely useless. Purely for show.

GARY: Ha. What? Ugh, enough about you

and the imaginary family you'll never have.

Time to go save mine!

Well, I guess that's... it.

Actually, I was thinking

Please, just don't make this difficult, MODOK.

Wait, hear me out. I thought we could take a trip together.

Somewhere you always wanted to go.

The flagship Bubba Gump Shrimp in Fort Lauderdale!

No. Bubba Gump Daytona Beach!

No! Bubba Gump Charleston?

No! Why are all the places you want to go Bubba Gumps?

I go nuts for their rice. It's the best rice.

I want to take you somewhere no one else can.

That Third Eye Blind concert we missed 17 years ago,

with this time machine I invented.

Yeah, no.

Leaping through space and time is super complicated,

and I have a book signing at Barnes & Noble

and I want to get there before they go out of business.

It won't take any time at all. Literally. It's a time machine.

If you'd said yes, we'd be back already.

This feels like another stall.

Think of it as just a civil goodbye before we part ways.

One last memory before our fresh start.

Huh.

That is surprisingly mature of you.

I mean, yeah, I guess we could try a night out.

As friends.

Great! Let me just punch in the coordinates,

which I totally know how to do, and

[car alarm blaring]

The lease was almost up anyway.

And

Boom! Science!

After you, my lady.

Why, thank you.

Hey, give me a quick thumbs up

if the hole through space/time doesn't tear you apart atom by at

Oh!

What up, 17 years in the past party people!

Where's the concert?

Maybe we're early?

Yeah. Four years early.

Oh no,

we overshot Third Eye Blind and we're in the year of Chumbawamba.

Stupid thing, probably didn't account

for leap years and daylight savings time

and the gold bangles you shouldn't have worn into the portal

because everyone knows you can't wear metal into a portal.

Are you seriously blaming me?

Your hoverchair is nine different kinds of metal!

Oh, look who's suddenly a metallurgist!

I didn't know you were keeping track of all the alloys in my chair.

BOY: Ahh! [electricity zapping]

Ahh!

Ahh! I won't touch your stuff!

You dare eat MODOK's ramen?

You obviously have a death wish.

I mean, seriously, you never wear flipflops in the showers,

it's like you want meningitis, Tyler.

[screaming]

You are but one of the many I will crush along my path

to selfassured greatness, for the future is MODOK!

FUTURE MODOK: Of course I know how to work the time machine!

I invented the time machine!

Ugh, this is That's me!

That's my future self! I knew I'd crack the laws of time.

You never believed me, Tyler!

And you never once complimented my hilarious poster.

I can't even look at it right now.

[laughing]

Oh, I've gotta go meet myself and hear how I conquered the world!

[screaming]

We're stuck here, aren't we?

I need quiet, Jodie.

My masterful computer brain is processing incredibly complicated

Oh! I put a paperclip in the little hole

in my time travel watchything, and something's happening!

Are you sure we should keep screwing with time travel?

I know how time travel works.

Now quick, through the doorydoor thing before the wavy stuff closes!

Wait, Future Me! I have so many questions!

Oh crap! My favorite Teva!

♪ rock music playing ♪

Holy shit, it worked!

I mean [clears throat]

[deeper voice] Holy shit, it worked.

JODIE: Wow.

They sound so good live!

Oh, I just hope they play my favorite song.

You know the one that's like,

[mumbling] yeah, girl.

You know, I can't remember

why we missed the concert in the first place

but, oh, I'm so glad we finally made it.

[laughing]

♪ Third Eye Blind's Never Let You Go playing ♪

♪ For letting you go ♪

♪ She's sneaky and smoked out ♪

♪ And it's starting to show ♪

Come on, dance!

Me? Dance? I

Oh, get out of that big head of yours

and enjoy this with me!

What are you [both laughing]

Aw, look at you all

♪ I'll never let you turn around ♪

♪ Your back on each other ♪

♪ That's a good idea ♪

Hey, let's get closer to the stage.

♪ Turn around ♪

Excuse me. 'Scuse me. Can I just

MODOK: Allow me.

[people scream]

What a gentleman.

I wanna do something reckless!

Okay, una, dos, tres!

You! Catch my girl or die!

And you! Bend your goddamn knees and protect the back!

And you! Your face is round!

You're supposed to wear square glasses!

JODIE: Woo!

[laughing] [crowd cheering]

I... I

MAN: [in British accent] Don't forget about Child Slaughter.

That's right, Child Slaughter, the band.

With their new album, Death by Strawberry.

Act now because next stop is Austin.

[Jodie laughing] Woo! Oh, watch your hands, buddy.

[laughter continues]

Ugh, I don't want to leave now.

Featuring the new single

You'll Be Back in A Minute, She Won't Even Know.

Well, can't fight the universe.

Woohoo!

He's up to something. Follow him, girl!

Is that a song by Child Slaughter?

No! It's an opinion! By me!

[snoring]

Enjoy your dreams, young Austin,

for they shall be your last

Whoa, a red Ferrari racecar bed?

Even in your final moments, you continue to lord your power over me.

[exhales]

Wait, can I really do this?

Okay, pro: I stop him

and he never grows up to take over AIM.

Con: I'm doin' a boy murder.

Oh, but maybe he's an evil child?

♪

[sighs]

Synergistic paradigm, vertical integration

Open wide,

strawberry fairy's here.

What are you doing?

Uh... this is... my friend who said when he was younger

he wished he had woken up with... jelly in his mouth?

Oh boy. Austin?

And let me guess,

he's allergic to jelly?

Strawberries. This was a work trip?

I was a plus one?

I don't know why I thought I could expect you to

Please stop trying to kill him while I'm talking to you.

But he took my company from me!

You disgust me.

Jodie, look! It's me from college!

Silence, you worm!

And what a rude little boy I am!

I followed you from my time. What a disappointment.

All my genius reduced to a pathetic, sniveling husband

that uses time travel to attend concerts with some bighipped woman

instead of taking over the world.

Your youthful ignorance is laughable.

In time, you will learn that MODOK likes them big ol' juicy butts!

Now give me back my time machine!

[growling] [metallic screeching]

[clanging]

We were supposed to be emperor of a perfect world,

not some sad dad who answers to others.

I refuse to accept you as my future!

And I'd spank you if you weren't myself!

[lasers powering up]

[shatters]

Ah!

[screaming]

Oh my god! I know.

Austin slept through the entire fight.

He's always so wellrested.

You just killed your younger self!

Are you gonna be... erased?

No! Nooo! My foot's starting to disappear!

It's indescribably painful

Oh, I just stepped on a Lego.

We must go find me in this timeline. See if I'm still here.

YOUNG JODIE: It's official, we're pregnant!

Are you excited?

How can I be excited about a birth

when I have to plan a funeral,

for all of my dreams!

JODIE: Oh, okay. Thank god. You still exist.

The portal must've just returned my collegeaged self

to the year he came from,

setting everything back to the way it should be.

Look! I totally forgot.

We missed the concert because we'd just found out

I was pregnant with Melissa.

Not exactly your finest hour.

[sobbing] No. No! No!

I want to go home.

Build another time machine and get us out of here.

II can't. It's broken.

So fix it. You invented it.

Yeah, about that. I could tell you misheard me before.

I never said I invented the time machine.

Monica invented the time machine.

I said I indented the time machine.

I sat on it in the lab while Monica was, you know, inventing it.

So we have to find Monica if we want to get home?

Unless you want something indented. And then we could do it right here.

[school bell rings] TWEEN MONICA: Hi! Are you the judges?

This is my project. An instantly regenerating fruit tree.

I'm gonna heal the world's hunger problem

with my big brain and even bigger heart.

This is the girl who makes you cry at work?

She says mean lies about my body that I wish weren't true.

Hi, yeah, uh, we're from the future.

You built a time machine that he broke,

and we need you to build another one or we're stuck here.

I'm so sorry, Future Lady.

I don't know how to make a time machine yet.

I'm still stuck on more rudimentary problems

like spontaneous organic matter genesis.

Oh my god. We're trapped in the past.

Well, gee, if you're stuck in the past,

you can't interact with anyone or anything.

You could end up erasing everything you care about in the future.

Bubba Gump Shrimp I mean, uh, the children!

Relax, I won't mess with stuff.

By the way, there's something wrong with your tree.

[gasps] What did you do?

I don't even like the taste,

I was just curious to see if my body was capable of defeating it.

It was!

Whatever this is, I hate it.

First place goes to Billy McGirk for his electric potato clock!

At least review my research.

Billy's clock doesn't even work.

But can you imagine if it did?

Astonishing!

As for you, silly girl, leave the science to the boys.

Damn, I'm a great guidance counselor.

Whatever this is, I hate it.

Leave the science to the boys.

[glass shatters]

This is a nightmare.

But what if this was a good nightmare?

Like when you're being chased by a wolfman, but he's got big boobs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we've all had that dream. So?

Well, I saw you at the concert, and you seemed so carefree and unburdened.

Your scowl lines barely visible. We could keep that feeling going.

What are you talking about?

We can catch up on all the other concerts

and pop culture we missed over the years.

Imagine, getting to see Alvin and The Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

on the big screen the way it was meant to be.

You don't get it, do you?

We're never going to get to see our kids grow up, get married

[sighs]

You know what, I would rather spend the rest of my life

trapped in the past alone

than spend another second with you.

Good! Because you talked all the way through Chipwrecked,

and I missed pivotal plot points!

Perhaps now I'll finally understand why Dave got so pissed at Alvin

for eating all the peanut butter in the first act!

Yes, when it comes out in just 11 short years,

MODOK will have answers!

MODOK: See, Jodie?

If we weren't stranded in the past,

we would never know how much this cider house rules!

Sir, we know you've been living in this IKEA.

You need to leave.

We also know there are 500 meatballs missing from the cafeteria.

MODOK: I'm sorry, what does this have to do with me?

That's clearly 500 meatballs in the shape of a woman.

And what a woman!

Look at her, shedding those pounds.

Trimspa, baby!

Sir, the police will be here any moment.

I get it, I'm going.

Can I have a moment to say goodbye to my wife?

[eating noisily]

Ahh, the old house.

We were so young, and we didn't have much money.

But it was a hell of a lot more money than I have now!

JODIE: MODOK? [crowbar clatters]

Are you robbing us?

Jodie? Holy shit, you work for NASA now?

No, I fished this out of a dumpster.

I live in the woods. I eat squirrels.

Good. So you landed on your feet.

I I've been thriving too.

Lots of friends. None of them meat.

Or balls. Certainly not a delicious combination of the two.

Listen, I've been thinking a lot Shh!

No, you need to hear this.

It turns out doing nothing but catching up

on years of pop culture... is lonely

Will you just shut up and look!

[crying]

Oh. Ohh.

♪ acoustic version of Never Let You Go playing ♪

♪

[thud]

♪ There's every good reason ♪

♪ For letting you go ♪

♪ She's sneaky and smoked out ♪

[cat shrieks]

[giggling]

♪ And it's starting to show ♪

[inaudible]

♪ I'll never let you go ♪

♪ I'll never let you go ♪

[giggling]

♪ I'll never let you go ♪

[gobbling]

♪ I'll never let you go ♪

♪

♪ You say that I changed ♪

♪ Maybe I did ♪

♪ But even if I changed ♪

♪ What's wrong with it? ♪

♪ I'll never let you go ♪

♪ I'll never let you go ♪

♪ I'll never let you go ♪

♪ I'll never let you go ♪

[car alarm blaring]

The lease was almost up anyway.

And

Boom! Science!

After you, my lady.

Why [yelling]

What's happening?

[shatters]

Wait, we need to tell them that we belong to

Well, that was super weird.

What do you think she was saying?

"We belong to" Who cares?

Two old squirrelpeople versions of us just jumped out of the bushes.

Seems like your time travel plans went haywire,

just like I knew they would.

Okay, no time travel, but I have a cosmic cube

No!

No more time travel, no more portals,

no more stalling.

You just, you just need to go.

Let me fix this.

Let me make us like we used to be.

You can't.

We're not those people anymore, MODOK.

We've changed.

♪ I'll never let you go ♪

♪ I'll never let you turn around ♪

♪ Turn around ♪ [engine starts]

♪ Turn around ♪

[gobbling]

Not tonight, Turkey Man. Not tonight.

SUPER ADAPTOID: Uh, this place is... nice?

The duct tape holding the toilet together happens to match the color

of all the silverfish living in it.

I find that very charming.

Let's call this what it is. Bad.

Oh, it's rock bottom.

Let's, uh, back it up to bad.

But it's just a temporary reversal.

Because this is still our future.

Aww, you got a cute little locket of your family?

It's not a locket, it's a destiny pendant

that I got at Claire's.

And it stores this.

Behold! MODOK's Republic of MODOK.

Working title. Because it's working so well.

Ehhh.

It will be the capital city of my utopia

after I conquer the world.

Tomorrow, the sun will rise behind these broken vertical blinds

and a new day will dawn.

I shall reclaim AIM, I shall reclaim my family,

I shall reclaim my destiny!

MAN: How 'bout you reclaim my foot up your asshole!

How dare you overhear me!

Identify yourself, coward!

MAN: I'm Tony in 4G!

I'm gonna come over there and curb stomp you, you shithead!

Where are you?

I'm the... old Polish woman

in... 3B... tough guy!

[softly] Yes! Tomorrow marks the birth of MODOK 2.0!

[sighs]

♪ I want something else ♪

♪ To get me through this ♪

♪ Semicharmed kind of life ♪

♪ Baby, baby ♪

♪ I want something else ♪

♪ I'm not listening when you say ♪

[falsetto] ♪ Goodbye ♪

Doo doo doo! Right? Doo doo doo doo!

Doo doo doo! [grunting]

Finally! I made it!

MODOK, we were supposed to rule the world,

but you ruined our future.

I'm here to fix it.

And that starts with your family.

But first, I must learn if Dippin' Dots has taken its rightful place

as the ice cream of the future.

♪ acoustic version of Never Let You Go playing ♪

♪

♪ There's every good reason ♪

♪ For letting you go ♪

♪ She's sneaky and smoked out ♪

♪ And it's starting to show ♪

♪ I'll never let you go ♪

♪ I'll never let you go ♪

♪ I'll never let you go ♪

♪ I'll never let you go ♪

♪