Original subtitles

== HACKS == Season 1 - Episode 4

Episode Title: "D'Jewelry" Aired on: May 20, 2021

- Hi, Mommy.

- Hi, DJ.

- So you hear "resort collection"

and your brain automatically goes to,

"I got the color palette for this.

Pastels." Right?

- Yeah, you've got--

yeah, you've got some great ones in there.

- Well, that's where you're wrong.

And now you're thinking, "Oh, shit.

"If I'm wrong about pastels,

then it's got to be gem tones."

And see, now you're getting warmer.

But what I would say to that is,

"Go ahead and drop the 'tones.'"

This year's theme is simply 'gems.'"

- Ah. - Look.

I mean, look at this piece right here.

Are you seeing this?

This is just straight-up wearable art.

- Yeah.

- And it just-- it screams D'Jewelry.

Don't you agree? - It does.

It does. - Okay.

- Are you putting an apostrophe in that word?

I forget. - Yeah, "D'Jewelry."

- Oh, mm-hmm.

- So what do you think?

- I think that juice is just sugar,

and I think you know that.

- Mom.

About the collection.

- I think it is absolutely you, honey.

- Okay!

Okay, I'll send you the whole look book.

It's a really big file,

so you let me know if you need me to zip it.

- Oh, please zip it. - I'll zip it.

I'll zip it, no problem. - Okay.

- The hard copy's still being bound.

Don't even get me started.

I threw a fucking fit at Kinko's.

Don't worry, it was a whole thing.

And I have to say,

this is gonna be huge for QVC as well

because they could really use a young, fresh-faced designer.

- Yeah.

- So you'll talk to 'em?

- Sure.

- Thank you so much.

I really appreciate it.

Just with Dad dying and everything,

I mean, I could just really use a win.

God, this shit is so cool.

Did you see this one?

- So I found someone who wants to rent your LA place.

- Oh, shit, really? Thank you so much.

- Also, I took down a wall in the kitchen.

It begged me to do it. - What? No! You can't--

Oh, wow, that's-- that's actually much better.

- I know.

- Oh, my God.

We didn't even have to go through security?

Amazing.

Holy shit, this is nice.

- I know. Epstein estate sale.

- No! - No.

Stop acting like a hillbilly and sit down.

- All right, Barry, come on.

Come on, let's go.

- Uh-uh, that's his seat.

She didn't know. It's okay.

Baby boy.

You're mommy's big, handsome boy.

Okay, the first thing that we're gonna be selling

is foot spas.

- Okay, foot spa.

Um, let's see.

Feet, toes, pedicure...

- Wow.

It's like watching Picasso sing.

- You mean paint? - No.

- Okay, um...

oh, what about something about WikiFeet?

Like, um,

"Ladies, use this and your tootsies will look so good,

you'll break WikiFeet."

- What's WikiFeet?

- Oh, um,

so you know how, like,

some men are horny for feet?

- Sure.

- So it's Wikipedia

but for celebrity feet.

- Jesus.

Am I on it?

Yes.

- Hmm.

Oh, but the next thing--

I really want to push this too--

is the progesterone drink packets.

- What is this?

- That is the Tahitian grapefruit flavor.

- No, like, what's a progesterone packet?

- Well, progesterone is the female hormone

that allows women to get pregnant

and to stay looking young.

But then when menopause starts,

your body stops producing progesterone

and everything kind of goes to hell.

You know, your hair turns gray.

Your body stops metabolizing fat.

Your skin and your nails start to crack like old clay.

It's pretty much Mother Nature telling you

to move to the back of the cave.

But the Deborah Vance progesterone supplement

replaces some of that progesterone

the body has stopped producing.

You can just stay hot until you...

go off it,

which most people do eventually because

sustained use does sort of raise the risk

of ovarian and breast cancer.

Anyway...

got jokes for that?

- Um...

I'm just learning about all this stuff, so I'm--

I'm gonna need a minute

before I come up with something funny.

- Okay, honey. You take your minute.

Well, this ruined my first PJ.

Private jet.

- You with those killer heels, I can imagine you need

one of these in every room.

- Oh, I do have one in every room.

I absolutely love them.

And I got to tell you, I get so many emails

and direct messages about how people love this product.

- Oh, Katie, it is really resonating.

And, ladies, if you want to break WikiFeet,

got to order one of my foot spas.

- Oh, absolutely. - I pitched that.

- How 'bout we pivot now and talk about

the microfiber dusting kit?

- Let's.

- At some point, you have to pick a genital.

- Okay, maybe we could just have a code word

I can use for when you say something monosexist.

- Monosexist? - There you go.

That's a great code word for it, thank you.

- Mom, I've been calling you.

What'd they say at QVC about bringing me in?

- DJ, I'm working,

and you're being rude to Ava.

- Who?

Oh, her?

Okay, did they like the look book, though?

Could they open the zip?

- You know, there really wasn't

a good moment to bring it up.

- Wait a sec, you didn't even mention it?

- DJ, I told you, I'm working.

- Uh-huh. Yeah, you're always working.

You're also lying to me.

'Cause you know they'd listen to anything you said.

- You know, um, you're right.

I was trying to protect you, but since you're pushing me,

I didn't mention D'Jewelry because it's not good enough.

- It looks like junk from a mall kiosk.

- Okay.

You think it's junk?

You're insane.

- Just make it better.

And don't give up on it just because I'm pushing you,

like you did with your essential oils.

- Losing a protracted legal battle isn't giving up.

And I never once said

that my oils would cure all types of autism.

Well, does this mean you're not gonna come

to my trade show this afternoon?

- I told you, I'm going to Marty's daughter's bat mitzvah,

and then I have a show.

- Right, yeah.

I guess it's good that you can be there

for someone's kid, right?

God forbid you do one fucking thing for me.

- You have no idea how much I do for you.

- Um, okay, I think I'll just go in the other--

- No, no, no, no. It's fine.

I'm just--I'm calling it early today, anyway.

take the afternoon off

and get your tubes tied.

- Hey, um,

do you want me to come to your show with you?

If you need someone there.

- You don't have to do that

just 'cause you feel sorry for me.

- Well, actually, I just think it would really piss her off

if I went with you, so...

- Okay, you fucking rule. Let's do it.

I call shotgun.

- I guess I'll drive.

♪ You breathe ♪

♪ I breathe ♪

♪ We're breathing each other ♪

♪ That you got from your mother ♪

One practice swing and then...

- Shalom!

You look fabulous.

- Thank you.

- Hey, Marcus. - Marty.

I'm gonna get a drink. - Okay.

- So you're not still mad at me.

- Oh, I just really love Ali,

and that's why I got her this.

It's the limited-edition Birkin that she wanted.

- Well, that's very generous of you, Deborah.

- Oh, it's not just the purse.

It's what comes with it.

This is a letter from the headmaster at St. Xavier's.

So you let me keep my dates,

Ali gets to go to school with all her little friends.

- I'm not changing my mind.

But you must have gone through some trouble because

if I remember correctly, DJ drove her Jeep

through the gym at St. Xavier's her junior year.

- It was a Range Rover through the rare book room,

and I fully funded the rebuild.

- Still friends, right?

- Oh, the best of.

- Oh, my God.

Marcus!

Do not get me in trouble today.

I always drink too much when you're around.

Double vodka soda.

- This is a beautiful event, Rina.

- It's been like pulling teeth.

Marty nickel-and-dimed it the entire time.

I had to fight him

to have lamb chops as a passed hors d'oeuvre.

Can you believe? This is a bat mitzvah.

- Ugh, God.

Now, where's the new girlfriend?

- Ivy.

Marty says she's an old soul.

- Lucky Marty, keeps finding old souls

in 26-year-old bodies.

- Look, I don't know what to tell you, man.

There's sewage coming out of the shower hole,

and this tenant is, like, a giant pain in my ass,

so it needs to be done, like, fricking yesterday.

Yeah, I've got Venmo.

Ugh, managing a building is a nightmare.

- Wait, you're-- you're a building manager?

- Yeah, I manage the building I live in

in exchange for rent.

I get it, you thought I was some, like, hot rich kid

living off her parents' money?

- Um, kind of.

- I don't blame you; I would've thought

the same thing, but nope.

I am a professional.

I tumble my rocks myself. - Oh, I see.

- It's kind of what sets me apart

'cause, you know, nobody else here self-tumbles.

- Cool. - Yeah.

So what's your earring story?

- My what? - Well, I'm seeing

two studs, a huggie hoop,

and then a couple vacant holes that just aren't

living up to their potential.

What did you have in mind with that?

- Um, God, not much.

I didn't really think about it. - No, you didn't

think it through. - Yeah, no.

- Um...

Okay, all right.

Why don't you scoot that huggie up,

pop these in the empties?

Let's see what's what.

Oh, shit!

I mean, those look hot on you.

- Oh, yeah.

- You go ahead and wear those today.

You can be my model.

Check it out.

- Oh, wow. - What do you think?

- They are...

substantial.

- Yeah, right?

- I mean, they look...

like a key to another dimension.

- Thank you.

So much cooler than something

from a fuckin' mall kiosk.

Right?

- Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

She was really harsh back there.

- Whatever.

I spent thousands of hours in therapy

trying to process how to deal with Deborah.

- Well it's good you're doing the work.

Your mom once told me therapy is for bulimics

and pedophiles. - Pedophiles?

Yeah, she loves that one.

- God, it's so nice to be able to vent about her to someone.

- Oh, God, I am so down.

And look, I get it. I'm not perfect, right?

I'm always gonna be a work in progress.

- Yeah. - But I'm finally able

to practice radical acceptance, right?

So I can just radically accept

that my mom is a cunt.

- I wasn't joking, but...

I can see why you'd laugh. - Oh, sorry.

- Yeah. My chokers are unisex.

- I can't let you drink that.

- Yeah, leave the cheap wine for the kids.

Now...

ah.

Isn't this the one you liked last time?

That is the one I loved last time.

Open it.

- Yes, ma'am.

- Your collection has really grown

since the last time I was down here.

- Well, they say if you collect,

it's not a problem; it's a hobby.

- Well, the first step is admitting you have a hobby.

Ah, I love that sound.

- Let's drink to your daughter

becoming a woman.

- She's a good kid.

Mostly. - Yeah, well, I know

where she gets her naughtiness from.

- Her mother. - Ha, nice try.

So, Deborah Vance,

what's new with you?

- Well, lately I've been trying to wrestle

my stage time back from a handsome tyrant.

- Oh, come on.

I talk business all day.

You're the one person I'd love to talk

about anything else with.

- Okay.

Okay. - Okay.

Cheers.

Mmm.

I'm getting plum

and licorice?

- Honestly, I'm getting mint.

I forgot to spit out my gum.

Jesus.

Maybe it'll be better now.

- Oh, I haven't even told my mom I live here yet.

She's gonna freak when she finds out I lost my deal.

Also, my mom's not a conspiracy theorist,

but I think that's just 'cause her Internet's too slow.

- God, moms are the worst.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with yours and mine now.

I honestly can't believe that she's making you

watch all of the stupid shit she's ever done.

- It's a lot, yeah.

- So stupid. - It's a lot.

Though I got to say,

it is crazy she was almost the first woman

to host a late-night show.

- Yeah, and maybe if she hadn't acted like

a frickin' pyro, they would've picked it up.

- Sounds like it was a dramatic time.

- It's always a dramatic time with her.

- Yeah. - Do you know my aunt/stepmom's

been trying to talk to her for, like, 40 years?

The woman doesn't let anything go.

- Jesus.

- Laurie, my-- that's my therapist.

She's always telling me my trauma started

when she dragged me out on the road with her.

I mean, I was a kid.

I wanted to go to school, you know,

and just be normal. - Yeah.

- Instead, I'm 13 years old doing my first line of coke

in the Chuckle Hut in Kalamazoo.

- Jesus Christ. - I know.

Was it at least good coke?

For a 13-year-old, sure, yeah.

- Listen, I'm not dumb.

I know that I've got to own my actions,

but she's the reason

I've been in recovery for 20 years.

20 years!

And do you think she's ever once

come to a meeting with me?

No, not one.

Whatever.

Can you, like, face forward with those or something?

- Yeah. - I feel like you're not

getting any earring attention.

- Where is it now? - Another one?

Don't you have to go step on a glass or whatever?

More fun down here.

Should we be bad and open the Margaux?

- Oh, you're naughty.

Told you where she got it from.

Yeah, that kid.

She told me if I didn't get her a new iPhone,

she was gonna "join Antifa."

No!

Oh, no, but that's good. That's good.

You want her to be bold, you know,

have personality.

Of course, what do I know about parenting?

- You did the best you could.

- Thanks.

Let me give you a hand.

- Here, I got it. All the way down and...

- Marty?

- Yeah, hey!

- Baby, I've been looking all over for you.

- Yeah, we'll be right up.

Just giving a little tour. - Okay.

- Showing me how to use this thing.

- All right. - Okay, be right up.

- Well, I guess...

we should go.

- Nah.

It's open now.

We might as well just...

drink it.

One glass. - One glass.

- We were right there.

- Oh, perfect, let's get a quick shot

of the beautiful couple. - Oh, no.

No, no, this is my girl.

Ivy? - Yes?

- Okay.

Beautiful.

Great, good. - One more serious.

- Nah, see, belly chains are always in style

'cause they have ethnic roots.

- Huh.

- Oh, shit.

Oh, I think I know that woman.

That's the buyer for Neiman Marcus.

Oh, God, I'm getting nervous.

My pits are going and my mouth is getting dry.

How's my breath?

- It's, um--

- What am I talking about? She's never gonna stop here.

My stuff's not good enough.

Shit.

Where are you-- what are you doing?

What are you doing?

- Oh, hey!

- Hey? - Didn't we meet

at Irene Neuwirth's birthday party?

- I don't think so.

- Blanche from Just One Eye?

- You're from Just One Eye?

I love that store.

I didn't know they had a buyer. - Oh, yeah.

I'm actually buying a ton of stuff right now.

- I self-tumble.

- Cool.

Can I take your look book?

- Yes.

- Hey, if you're ever in LA, stop by the store.

Our offices are upstairs.

- For sure.

Good to see you. - You too.

- Okay.

What was that? - I don't know!

I follow Busy Philipps on Instagram.

She's constantly posting about jewelry people.

Oh, thank God watching thousands and thousands

and thousands and thousands of those stories

finally paid off.

- Okay, bitch, you keep those earrings

because you earned them.

Let's blow this shit and go celebrate.

I've got the perfect bar for us.

- Oh, my God, I would love that.

Wait, um, aren't you--

aren't you in recovery?

- Just for powder and pills, babe.

Liquid's on the menu.

- Go with--you go with citrus?

Boom, orchard.

- Marty. - Marcus.

Quieres Cohiba?

- Oh, I would, but I just

bleached my teeth this morning.

- So look,

the smaller theater at the casino,

why don't you give it to Deborah

for Fridays and Saturdays?

- You two are relentless.

- I've already cleared it with the production guys.

They can move the set back easily on Sunday.

You could double the income those nights.

She doesn't feel slighted.

Everybody wins.

- Interesting.

Let's connect next week.

- All right.

- Showbiz people.

It's always something.

- And...

hyah!

- Whoo! - Oh, yeah!

Right?

- It feels good, doesn't it?

I'm telling you, for people with mommy issues,

this place is essential.

Oh, work call. Be right back.

- Grab some throwing stars on your way back.

- Okay. - I'll watch your drink.

- Oh, it's whatever.

- How old are you?

- I'm sure you get this all the time,

but it's so awesome to meet you.

- Oh. - I'm a fan.

I feel like I've known you

my whole life. - Oh, thank you.

- Do you like it?

- Yes, actually, I do.

There are so many kids running around today,

I hope Marty's got good insurance.

- Well, the corporation does.

Everything's through the corp.

- It is a beautiful piece.

But you know what? I saw...

a sculpture in the hall.

Was that you too?

Guilty!

I actually redid the whole place myself.

- I knew it. - I fuckin' love art.

- I fucking love art too. It looks so much better.

I'm thinking of doing some redecorating myself.

Would you mind terribly if I just

took a couple pictures for inspiration?

- I am so flattered. Yeah.

- Thank you.

Do you think I could also get a little tour?

- I don't know.

Marty doesn't want guests in certain areas of the house.

- Oh, gosh, I would have loved

to have seen more of your work,

but I guess Marty's the boss.

- I can probably show you around just a little bit.

- Oh, great. - But you can't tell Marty.

- Oh.

- That really is

a striking piece.

It's really--

Would you mind getting one with me in it for scale?

- Of course; get in there. - Thanks.

- You dog. - Just like.

Great.

Fun.

- Ready to go? - Yup.

Arrange a lunch with Tim Gurley.

I have some assets that I want him to appraise.

Marty, sweetie,

we're gonna have to get together for drinks soon.

- Great, I'll have Phyllis set.

- Great.

I don't like that.

- The one time I was in LA,

I saw Tobey Maguire coming out of a Coffee Bean.

- Mm. - He was wearing one

of those boots like when,

you know, you break your ankle.

Do you think that he was

wearing that for a role, or...

do you think he was injured?

Like, does he ski?

- Oh, I--I don't know if Tobey Maguire skis.

Hey, DJ's been gone a while, huh?

I guess managing an apartment building

is actually a lot of work.

What?

What am I missing?

- That's not what she means by "work."

She sells photos, honey.

She hires a photographer to take photos of Deborah,

and then she sells them to, like, TMZ or wherever.

- Yeah, she makes hella cash. - Hella.

- And she makes, like, a lot more

if Deborah looks like shit.

- That's so fucked.

- Hey, you're in the house all the time.

You should do it too; I bet you could sell,

like, her medical records

or her diary or whatever.

- Her underwear. - Okay, ladies.

I got next round, so finish up.

- Whoo! - Time me.

- Nice, nice, nice. - Get it, get it.

- Yes, yes, almost there, almost there.

- Whoo! - Oh!

- What'd you get?

- Uh, I didn't time.

- Oh, fuck.

Give me yours. - Okay.

- Ready, go.

Go!

- Hey, can I talk to you?

- Yeah.

- You know what? It's right before your show.

Maybe later is a better time. I don't want to mess you up.

- You can't mess me up.

What is it?

- Okay, I'm gonna-- I'm gonna tell you this,

but please don't ask me how I know.

But, um,

someone I know is--is selling pictures of you to TMZ,

and I don't know if you can stop it, but I just--

I thought I should tell you.

- All right, thank you.

- You're just gonna let it go?

You're not gonna...

ask me who it is?

Oh, you let her.

- Makes her feel self-sufficient.

I have to get dressed. - Yeah.

- Hello.

- Hey, Mom.

Sorry, is it too late?

- No, no, I'm just being quiet because your father

finally fell asleep.

Hopefully he sleeps through the night

so I can get some rest.

- I'm sorry. - Oh, no, no.

It's okay, it's okay, honey.

How's your new place?

- It's good.

Though, uh,

I'm not actually there right now.

I've actually been living in Las Vegas.

- Vegas?

Are you gambling?

- No, I-- I lost my deal and--

- Wait, lost your deal?

But you just bought that place in LA.

- I know, that's why I got another job.

That's what I'm trying to tell you.

Also, isn't Dad asleep? You're yelling.

- Oh, my God, Ava, I told you

that business is so unstable.

I mean, what's next?

You're gonna have to move home here

and live with us?

I don't have room for you here.

I mean, I guess we can put a cot in the kitchen.

- No, Mom, no cot in the kitchen.

I'm not coming home. Jesus.

- No, it's okay, Ava. I know where the cot is.

It's in the basement next to the Christmas decorations.

- I'll be fine, okay? - I'm on it.

- You'll be fine.

I got to go. - Wait, Ava--

Hello. - I think they've been

overcharging you for room service.

- Who is this?

- I've been going over your charges.

They have you ordering

three chicken Parms in one night.

What are you, the NSA?

You're going through my room service bills?

- Well, of course, it's my money.

I think they made a mistake. I don't like being overcharged.

- Wow, three chicken Parms.

In one night?

That's crazy.

But I did order them.

- What, were you entertaining?

- No, it was just me.

But they're medium size, though,

and I eat the leftovers for breakfast,

so you're actually saving money.

- For breakfast?

- I may have been high.

- Yeah, you must have been.

Oh. Oh, oh, what do I hear?

Is that "SVU"? - "Criminal Intent."

- What channel? - Um...

55.

Corrected & improved by == Flatto (subscene.com) ==

- Oh, I've seen this one.

Yeah, this attorney turns out to be a schizophrenic.

- Deborah! - I didn't write it.

- Yeah, but you spoiled it.

- Oh, it's so obvious.

He's the biggest guest star on the episode.

If his name comes before

the opening credits, he did it.

- No! Now you've spoiled every single one of them.

- Well, it's better you know.

- I think I could play a dead body.

- Well, you certainly have the complexion.

- This is actually pretty triggering for me

'cause I've never learned how to swim.

- What?

You don't know how to swim?

That's ridiculous.

- No one taught me as a kid.

I thought about taking swim classes for adults,

but honestly, that's sadder than just drowning.

♪ So move over, darling ♪

♪ If my heart bends ♪

♪ I'll know ♪

♪ And if I had to stay ♪

♪ You know I would ♪

♪ Have stayed ♪

♪ So, baby, don't hold me back ♪

♪ 'Cause if I win ♪

♪ I'll change ♪

♪ And if I lose my way ♪

♪ You know I would ♪

♪ Escape ♪

♪ Damaged by disease ♪

♪ The sun blaze over me ♪

♪ Ooh, baby, tie me down ♪

♪ I am dangling ♪