Original subtitles

(gunfire and screaming)

(explosions)

- [Narrator] Giantess Attack will never be seen

due to insufficient funds raised on Kickstarter.

However, we are pleased to bring you

the following presentation in living color.

- And liftoff in five, four, three, two, one.

- We have liftoff, inboard, outboard is a go,

aerial vector is good.

(beeping signal)

We have a blowout.

- I can't hold her, she's starting to roll, she's

starting to roll, she's breaking up, she's breaking up.

Mayday, mayday!

(crash and explosion)

- [Narrator] Deidre Holland and Freida Segan, test pilots.

Two women barely alive.

Put back together with the most advanced

computer cybernetic surgery ever performed.

They will become the world's greatest

superhero fighting duo.

Better, faster, unstoppable.

(fast rock music)

Battle Babe and Combat Queen, brought to you by...

- [Child] Carmel Cookie Candy Smacks, yay!

- [Cartoon Character] Carmel Cookie Candy Smacks

is part of a delicious, nutritious breakfast.

Just make sure you eat something nutritious.

- Mmmm.

- [Cartoon Character] Every bite

a delicious mouthful of happiness.

- Look, Dad, pets!

- [Cartoon Character] Free pets in every box.

If your pet arrives dead contact the number on the screen.

- Now go clean your room.

- No!

- Ow!

- [Cartoon Character] Carmel Cookie Candy Smacks

will give your child a lot of energy

so he can study hard in school.

Carmel Cookie Candy Smacks, eat them up, yum!

(fast rock music)

- [Narrator] In our last episode

the Evil Dragoon has kidnapped Combat Queen

and with his catheter ray gun

is dragging the moon closer to the Earth.

Can he be stopped?

Or will worlds collide?

(evil laugh)

- It's all going as planned.

(wind blowing)

(evil laugh)

- Stop it, Dragoon!

You'll destroy the Earth and everyone!

- Ha, ha, ha, just as I planned.

(evil laugh)

- Think of the children!

- Think of the children?

I am thinking of the children!

(evil laugh)

Little crispy critters!

(evil laugh)

- No!

- Oh, my henchman, Rocky, has plans for you darling.

(evil laugh)

Right, Rocky?

- Hey, boss, after the moon crashes into the Earth,

we could have a little party with her.

(both laugh)

- Oh, my God!

(dramatic music)

(motorcycle revving)

(crashing and explosion)

- Oh, no!

- Battle Babe!

Look out Battle Babe, it's a trap!

- What are we going to do with her boss?

- You're going to do it all, Rod.

(Rod laughs evilly)

Good boy, Rod.

You're a good, good boy.

- My Battle Box will get me out of this.

(laser shooting)

- Battle-tastic, Battle Babe!

- Get her!

- I'll get you, I'll get you for sure!

Let me get this gun out.

(punching)

(kicking and grunting)

(metal slicing)

(sputtering)

- My worms will take care of you.

(evil laugh)

- That's right, boss.

(roars)

(laser gun shooting)

(Dragoon laughing)

(punching)

- Down!

That's right, Rocky!

(electronic clicking)

(rumbling)

- Having trouble moving, Battle Bimbo?

(evil laugh)

- What is it?

- It's over, it's over darling.

(evil laugh)

(crashing)

(bridge collapsing)

You're too late!

Too late, darling, sorry!

(evil laugh)

- Battle Babe, the switch!

- Just one chance!

(laser shoots)

(electronic signal)

The Earth is saved.

- Battle-tastic!

- Battle-bombastic!

- You've ruined everything!

Battle Babe and Combat Girl!

(groaning angrily)

- Not everything.

- Oh no, not the Battle Spin, no!

(screaming)

(crashing)

- Your evil plans are finished Dragoon,

thanks to Battle Babe.

- Battle Babe and Combat Girl.

- Battle-tastic!

(smack and grunts)

- I did not mean to do that, sorry.

- Fucking slut.

You could have just hit my hand if you weren't stoned!

- I'm not stoned, not yet.

- Your breath smells like weed and macaroni and cheese.

Oh yeah, and skanky pussy, of course.

- Really, penis breath?

I have a toaster-sized Battle Box on my wrist.

- Alright, cut, cut, cut.

That was great, right up until that point.

You know it's just so terrific, I just wish you hadn't of...

- Seriously, James, it is the 21st century,

shouldn't I have some sort of up-to-date smaller technology?

- Yeah, and why are we shooting in a garage, anyway?

- Right?

- Look, look, nobody's going to be looking at the garage.

They're just going to be looking at you beautiful babes,

filling the frame, overpowering any shortcomings

the rest of this production might have.

- Am I shot out, can I go home now?

- And the props, you know, they have been established,

toys have been sold and kids, kids , they love these toys.

They love them more than their

hard-drinkin' moms and their deadbeat dads.

It's part of the series...

- Excuse me.

- And it is the last episode of this season.

Thank God.

- My jaw is bruised, is it broken, am I bleeding?

- No, no, no, no, no, it looks great,

better than it was, ever, ever before, it's fine.

You guys are just so great, all we need is just one take,

the high five, just like you've done a million times

before without hitting yourselves in the face.

Okay?

- Fine. - Fine.

For the love of God, alright back to one.

Sound, camera,

and action.

- Uh, excuse me.

Can I, can I go home now?

Can I get out of here?

See I've got this audition, at MTV, very, very important...

- No!

Everybody stays!

We got one more shot to do and I need

it right-cow-fucking-now!

- Setting the tatas.

- Alright sound, camera,

and action!

- Wait, don't I need makeup on my jaw?

- No!

The sweat on Jesus' balls, no!

Just shoot the shot, one shot, give each other a high five.

Don't punch each other in the face,

or call each other bitches.

Just be fantastic like you always are, okay.

And then we can actually go home, okay, alright, okay.

So back to one and, uh, sound.

Camera.

- [Cameraman 1] Fade. - [Cameraman 2] Rolling.

- And action.

- Your evil plans are finished Dragoon,

thanks to Battle Babe.

- Battle Babe and Combat Girl.

(thumps)

(laughing)

- How do you like that, Battle Bi-otch!

- You are so fucked!

Eight years of this shit, I am going

to fucking mop this floor up with you.

- Oh, you're gonna try!

- Girls, girls, girls, please, please, please, not again.

We already had this scene today.

- Take it, bitch!

(grunting)

(screaming and crashing)

- Those are boobs, bitch!

- This is so going on YouTube.

(laughs)

- Oh, that is it, we are done, we'll just use

a stock shot and wrap this turkey.

- Rat bitch!

- Nobody gives a fucking shit

about this thing but me, anyway.

I turned down Titanic 2 for this thing?

(punches)

- Yeah!

(screaming)

- We're done, we're done, stop filming.

I could have done Orange is the New Black

or Green is the New Purple, I don't know any

of those colored shows instead of Fanny Slapper 40.

(grunting and hitting)

- Stop struggling.

- Yeah, I know you like that, I know you do.

- If you don't let go, like this.

(screams)

- Ow!

- You like that!

- You know we started out and the girls,

they were fine, they were good,

they were just happy to not have to see

another stripper pole for the rest of their lives.

So everything was good, we were getting paid money,

and kids, we like kids and stuff.

- They were amateur, they were learning.

But I helped them, I enhanced them as best I could.

My mere presence would do that, of course.

- And then they started getting fan letters, and that

was fine, you know, they were enjoying their success.

And then one day one of them got one more email

than the other one got, and after that

it was pretty much, you know, shit city.

- You know, being professional and being

a great star of stage and screen...

- Yeah, yeah, bring it this way.

- I beg your pardon. - Come on.

- Please, I mean really.

Where was I?

- These chicks, they just hated each other.

And just when you thought they'd stopped hating each other

then they'd hate somebody else on the crew

until they started hating each other again.

And crew members, there was this killing,

I don't think either of them were involved in it,

but I couldn't really swear to that either.

And after this, what am I doing next?

I want to do something entirely different, anime,

pornographic anime, like monsters having sex with women.

- If you're going to do animation,

you might want to consider having like one or two live

action characters, real characters with the animation.

- Hey, Combat Cunt, you know this is it.

They're not renewing us.

- I'm really going to miss you Battle Bitch.

After working so closely together all these years

I'm surprised I never caught any of your STDs.

- You know something else you might miss?

The show's residuals because yesterday when I was fucking

the producer, I had him change your contract.

- Well, I guess I really did catch something from you

then, because last night, when I was blowing him...

Have you checked your contract recently?

(fast rock music)

- I'd turn the thing into an animated series.

We can fire both girls, then we get some interns

from one of the computer graphics colleges

to animate the thing for free.

Yeah, then we don't have to deal with these divas.

We don't even have to use their voices,

we just reuse the footage and animate it.

(laughs) Beautiful.

(door opens)

Uh, gotta go.

Ladies, what seems to be the problem?

- What's the problem?

- Uh, just, uh, don't touch me.

I will sue you both, not the face, not the face.

- You fucking rat you changed our contracts.

- The only thing you produce is money for yourself!

- You were going to be in that.

911 Siri.

Not the pussy.

(punching)

(smashing)

(punching)

- Hey, just...

- This is your fault.

- My fault!

- In.

- Is she crazy?

- In.

Go.

Go, go, go.

- How was I supposed to know he had a silent alarm?

- I'm going back to hating you now.

- Uh, I never stopped hating you.

That's my Battle Shield!

- Hey, what are you doing?

- I'm working on the equation.

Do you understand what this all is?

It will answer everything.

- It's a jail cell.

- It's so much more, so much more.

- Oh, my God.

- I can't believe we're in here with her.

What is this?

We're in crazy land here.

- Because you are a bitch!

- My name is Joel Blowfeld.

I'm an agent in Hollywood.

In 1994 I won a Holly Award

for top agenting.

(coughs)

It hurts, bad.

As you can see,

I've been beat up pretty bad.

These women are, I'd say dangerous

and crazy

and angry, they're angry women.

They don't like men and they've

got something against agents.

They could have been something.

They could have been a star.

I could have made them huge, I've done that.

I don't know if you remember Marie Finkelman who was in

a soap opera for a couple weeks and I booked that.

It was what launched her career.

So if you're watching this, if you can send money

to Joel Blowfeld, uh,

I'll give you 10%

of anything that it leads to.

I gotta change my catheter.

Oh, I can't, can someone...?

Wait, I got it, I got it, I got it.

I got it.

I'll be all right, let me just, I'll be right back.

(fast rock music)

(clatters on ground)

- That's my Battle Box!

- Don't forget your Battle Shield, Battle Babe.

I would have kept it, but it's worthless,

just like both of you.

- Mark my words, one day I will make you pay for this.

(laughs)

- I don't think so.

(laughs)

- Where's your boyfriend?

- You mean, Rolf, the auteur film director?

He is such a loser and I totally dumped him.

Okay, maybe he dumped me.

Well how's your love life?

- He was cheatin', so I gave him a beatin'.

- Well, at least we're still friends.

- Yeah, like back in the first two episodes of the show.

- This show, you think it's going to on forever,

and look.

- What?

- At nothing.

No paparazzi, no TMZ, nobody even gives a shit about us.

We made a multimillion dollar franchise and now they

just throw us on the street like we're garbage.

- Fuck show business!

- Yeah!

- Let's go back to my apartment and get shit-faced.

- Yeah!

This way.

(fast rock music)

(laughs)

Nice Christmas decorations.

- Thanks.

(glass breaks)

- It's July, don't you think you should take them down?

- Just to put them back up again?

Fuck that shit.

(both laugh)

I don't think I can audition again.

- You know what?

- What?

- Right now, I think I can do anything.

♫ Da, da, da, dum, da, da

♫ Da, da, da, dum, da, da

♫ Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da

(both laugh)

- You are my BFF.

No, you are my BFFL.

- Yeah, you are my BFFLTDDUP.

Best friends for life til death do us part.

(both laugh)

(beer cans clanging)

- Why did we fight so much on set?

Why weren't we BFF's?

- It was that rat Joel.

He pitted us against each other.

That and you were the star.

I was just a sidekick.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You were so much more than just a sidekick.

You were my partner, solving crime.

- Come on, I mean they could have replaced me

with anyone and no one would have noticed.

- That is so not true.

Look it was me, it was my fault.

I was totally like this bitch-faced diva!

- No, totally untrue!

- No, it was true, I was always like,

she doesn't need that line,

they're taking scenes off her, just do more closeups of me.

- Yeah, you were like that.

Only when necessary.

- Mmhmmm.

My BFF!

- BFFLLTDTDDDP, yeah?

- I'm class...

- Classy, we're classy bitches.

(fast rock music)

Now how do you feel?

- Fuck, yeah!

- I feel larger than life!

(dramatic music)

(space-age sound effects)

- Earth women. - Earth women.

- Did you hear something?

(laughs)

- Where'd you get the fucked-up dolls?

- I don't have any dolls.

- Combat Queen and Battle Babe.

- Oh, what the fuck are you guys?

- We are the Metalunans from the 50th galaxy

in the Zeune nebula.

- Is that like near San Diego?

- We have followed your transmissions from Earth and we

have watched you fight the evil beings on your planet.

- Does that mean you're, like, fans?

Midget fans from outer space!

(both laugh)

- Silence!

(electronic wave)

Listen, the United Federation of Planetoids

have deemed Earth unfit for existence.

And, they intend to destroy your planet.

- That sucks.

- We said silence!

(slapping)

- Ow!

- Now, shut your pieholes, and listen up.

- The only way the world can be saved is

by ridding the Earth of these evildoers.

You two will be given these.

(whooshing)

- Ooh, party time.

- I said silence!

(slapping)

- You nasty little sluts!

- Listen up, these are the Betamax Capsules.

They must be used only as devices

of good to create peace on Earth.

Only then can the human race be saved.

Whenever you confront evil, or when you're

in imminent danger, raise the Betamax Capsules

skyward and yell, "Zippo, zammo!"

And you will become Team Giantess Attack,

fighters of truth and justice!

Use these weapons only in times of deadly danger!

Are you paying attention?

- Uh huh.

- I'm not talking for my own good.

Oh, my God.

Sis, I told you, we shouldn't come here,

they're worthless, these creatures.

- Well, you wanted to come here to save them.

- They fight amongst themselves, they're terrible.

- I had better things to do myself.

- You know, forget it, forget we ever came.

- They do have the attention span of monkeys,

you can't fault them for it. - I don't even know why we

came here, this is why no one wants to help you Earthlings,

they're ridiculous, they're worthless.

They have horrible taste in clothing,

horrible taste in music. - We came here to save them.

- Look at them. - They don't care.

- Okay, fine, you know what?

If you don't care, we don't either.

I can walk away, I mean...

(both screaming)

- You stupid bitches!

- I have had it with you bitches!

Burn, baby, burn.

(screaming)

- You Earthlings are stupid, stupid!

- The nerve of those bitches, coming into

my apartment and slapping us around.

- Stupid! (coughs)

- Boy, I have seen some weird fans, but those two were nuts.

- Oh, look, he's cute.

(screaming)

- Oh, my God.

- You Earthlings are stupid.

Stupid!

You stupid bitches!

You Earthlings are so stupid!

- Burn, burn! (laughs)

- (screams) You're so stupid!

- Roger that.

I'm on the boulevard now.

Hollywood Boulevard, what a perfect place

for an alien invasion.

- What are we going to do with these?

- I know what to do with those.

(both laughing)

(door slams open)

- Freeze, bimbos!

- Look at 'em, Burt, a couple clam slammers.

- Figures, goddamn dikes.

If I had more time I'd straighten you lesbos out.

Show you what a real man could do.

- Do you even have a warrant to be in here?

Or a badge or something?

- We don't need no stinking badges,

or warrants.

- I guess we better cooperate, Battle Babe.

- Cut the code talk tuna breath.

Stick out your hands, lesbos.

- Larry, cuff 'em.

(punching and kicking)

(crashing)

- Let's try this shit out!

- Here goes nothing.

- Zippo, zammo! - Zippo, zammo!

(electronic ringing)

- [Narrator] Touching the Betamax Capsules together

Deidre and Freida become Team Giantess Attack.

(electronic ringing)

- Hi, I'm the Poor Man, host of Poor Man's Bikini Beach,

and we're in Hollywood right now awaiting the arrival

of the Swedish Bikini Girls, Bikini Team.

They're about to get their star

on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

(glass crashing)

Oh, wow!

(car alarms ringing)

(building crashing)

- Code red, code red, get me my tank!

(car alarms ringing)

(building crashing)

- Wow, I'd walk a thousand miles through broken glass

just to hear her piss in the sink.

- Whoa, wait a minute, they look familiar.

Aren't those those two famous TV girls?

Forget the Swedish Bikini Team, those girls are hot.

(car crashes)

(laughing)

- Oh, this is wonderful!

Oh shit!

- Oh, you think that's so funny.

- Yeah, I really do.

- Really? - Yes!

- What beautiful breasts!

- We're like, big again!

(men catcalling)

- Oh, man.

- Hey, let's go down to that dick, Joel's office.

- Payback's a bitch.

- Mmhmm.

- Wait, wait, don't go, TMZ, TMZ!

No other TMZ around, this is my dream come true!

Wait a minute, you're Battle Babe, aren't you?

From that TV show, Battle Babe.

- Battle Babe and Combat Queen.

Who wants an autograph?

- Give me some sexy poses, Battle Babe.

Woowee!

That's it, that's it!

Bend down, stick out the boobs, give me some boobs!

- I can't believe what's happening next!

How could it have all started?

- Old Harv is going to bust a nut on this one.

Oh, man, I'll be a TMZ legend when this is done.

You ladies are luscious and lacivious.

- Battle Babe?

Combat Queen?

It's me, Jeff, your biggest fan!

Let me come up, let me come up.

- Hello, darling.

- Okay, hold it for a selfie, hold it for a selfie.

This is the best day of my entire life.

- They got big knockers on 'em.

- Oh, big 'ole knockers, huh.

- Okay, a little to the left.

No, no, a little to the right.

To the left, to the left.

No more to the right, more to the right.

Okay, to the left, to the right, to the right.

Okay, just like that, stay there, stay there, stay there.

Yes, I got it, I got it, my new profile pic!

My new profile pic, Battle Babe!

- Okay, darling, that's enough.

I'm going to let you down.

- No, no I can let myself down.

Whoa, whoa, boobies!

Whoa, this is great, you must be horny for me.

(slaps)

Oohh!

(thuds)

(airplane engines)

(dramatic music)

- This is fun, let's go down to Capitol Records.

- Super Rangers, I auditioned for that.

They didn't cast me.

- They are so small now.

- Uh, oh, they're on the move, and so are we.

(smashing car)

(car alarm)

- I think I stepped in some gum.

Oh, wait, no, it's a truck.

(planes flying)

(booming footsteps)

- Hard keepin' up with these broads, let me tell you.

Alright, this one's for the Instagram.

(laughs)

- It looks like our career has been saved in a big way.

- Totally.

- Maybe I can start a fetish website with this stuff.

- Hey, cutie.

- Oh, the camera loves ya.

(jet engines)

(explosion)

Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God.

(explosions and screaming)

(military music)

- Now that I have your attention

my name is General Smedley Pittsburgh.

You women have acquired something

that does not belong to you.

You need to come with me now.

Understand?

I'm General Smedley Pittsburgh from Butler, Pennsylvania.

We were called in to Los Angeles on a covert mission

going after two gargantuan females who had absconded

with stolen alien technology that I cannot talk about.

- Seems like the military has some issue with these giants.

- You're the one that sent those jerks

to Freida's apartment this morning.

- That's classified.

- Where are you taking us?

- Classified.

- Give us a minute.

- What do you think?

- I don't know, I don't trust him.

I mean he just totally blew the top

off the Capitol Records building.

- I know.

- [Man] Leave them alone, they're not hurting anybody.

- Boo, nobody wants you. - Hey, leave them alone!

(crowd yelling)

- Hey, you military, what's your problem, anyway, huh?

- Look, Kilgore, we're going to hang out with our fans

for awhile and then we'll come with you.

- I got something for your fans!

(gunfire)

(laughing)

Fire the big guns!

(guns blast)

- Deidre!

(crashing and explosions)

- Guess we showed them who's boss. (laughs)

- Are you okay?

- That didn't hurt a bit.

I feel fabulous.

- (giggles) You look fabulous.

- You look fabulous.

- We're fabulous! - We're fabulous!

- Come on out if you're still alive!

- Looks like General Inchworm wants a war.

- Ready, Combat Queen?

- Let's get 'em, Battle Babe.

(rock music)

- Fire!

(gun blasts)

Where'd she go?

(building crumbling)

(gunfire)

(liquid splattering)

Holy, mother Mary, Lord of Jesus, she pissed on me!

- Oops.

(booms)

Oh, my God!

They proceeded to stomp and destroy

and piss on the entire city of Los Angeles.

(tank engine)

(laser shooting)

Oh, God, let the Air Force handle them loaded broads.

(gunfire)

(building crashing)

(ray blasting)

(gunfire)

(ray blasting)

(jet engine)

(gunfire)

(glass crashing)

- Shoot 'em, I'd rather buy them a drink.

- Man, I don't think they make drinks big enough.

(plane beeping)

(explosions)

- They stomped the kids, they stomped the buildings.

They tore apart the Scientology building.

They tore apart every single building on that strip.

Only good thing was all those liberal pansies

got it where they needed to.

We can't watch any more movies now, they're all in Chinese,

and I really hate reading subtitles

because, well, I kinda have a 9th grade reading level.

- I'd like to thank the Academy

for giving me this piece of shit award.

- Ooh, looks like you found a big guy

for your awesomely big needs.

- Totally.

- Totally. (giggles)

(gunfire)

(smashing)

(soldiers screaming)

- What do we do, buy her a pair of shoes, or shoot at her?

- I can't afford shoes for those deadly feet.

These broads, I tell ya.

First they want the right to vote, then they want equal pay.

Next thing you know they grow giant

and they step on ya!

Their demands never end, it just never ends, Burt!

A guy just can't get ahead.

We're just toys to be used and thrown away!

- Get ahold of yourself, Chet,

you've gone loco, man, you've gone loco!

- I'm sorry.

- You cool?

- I was having flashbacks of watching

Glitter when I was a kid.

Mariah Carey was so, her feet were so sexy, and her...

- Forget about Glitter, we don't need

to relive that nightmare!

Hey, snugglebuns, why not just give up?

- Yeah, we won't hurt you.

Just like you women have done to me my whole life!

- For God's sake, Chet, give it a rest.

(blowing smoke)

(coughing)

(gunfire)

- I don't know why we're messing with this frontal assault.

I always penetrate from the rear.

(gunfire)

(men screaming)

(blowing smoke)

- Whoa, that's what I'm talking about.

(laughing)

- I'm very lucky that Meryl Streep

wasn't eligible for this year's award.

- Freida, Freida, come over here and suck on this shit.

- Oh, yeah! - Yes!

(laughing)

(sucking)

- Hold it, hold it.

(blows out)

- That's good shit.

(laughing)

- Okay, one more.

(sucking)

(coughing)

(laughing)

- Hey, where did you, where did you get these

- I found them in the dumpster.

I hate to let good food go to waste.

(thumps)

- Guys, where were you, man?

Come on, let's go, I'll lead the way.

(laughing)

- Hey, General, you smell like piss.

- Yeah, some guys are paying good money for that.

- Boys, you suffer from reefer madness.

(laughing)

I'll stop them.

- Bye, General.

(gunfire)

- Ow!

- Hey, Kilgore, you lost, so give it up, already.

- You think this is a game?

- He looks pissed.

(both laughing)

- Wait, wait, wait, hey, Kilgore, I have a game for you.

- No, dear God, no!

- It's called, what did I have for breakfast?

- No, no, not that! - Ready?

- Please, not that, please!

(screams)

- Normally I wouldn't do anal,

but since you're being such a dick.

- Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, you did not just do that, no way!

- Yeah, way!

Oh, is he biting my ass?

Oh, ooohh!

(panting)

- You bitch!

- Did it taste good up there?

How does it feel to be Richard Gere's gerbil?

- I'm gonna kill ya.

I'm gonna kill you.

- But wait a second, what did I have for breakfast?

- Let me go!

- Hey, Deidre, stop hogging the sex toy.

- Okay.

- Let me go, let me go!

- I'm really horny from all that weed.

Let's try a different port of entry.

Now if I have any polyps up there, you let me know, okay?

- Stop, stop!

- I'll be gentle, it'll be real nice.

It'll be tight, but nice.

Nice and tight.

- No, no, no, no, no!

- Oh, oh, oh shit this makes the best vibrator ever!

Oh shit!

- Move him around up there.

(Freida gasps)

- Oh, yeah!

(Freida screams)

- I think he might suffocate.

(Freida gasps)

(General gasping and coughing)

- You know, Deidre, no matter how hot a girl is,

there's always some guy who's sick of her shit.

- True, Combat Queen, true.

(both laughing)

- You bitches!

You bitches!

I went into a cavity of deep, unspeakable horrors.

Most nights, I feel like I'm still in that cavity.

They broke all the rules of war when they did that.

Those big tall girls, they're terrorists.

They're up-the-butt terrorists, that's what they are.

- What do you want to do now?

- I don't know, maybe we should lay low for awhile.

- I know just the place.

- Stop, stop, listen to me!

- Are you still talking, assface?

- You two will not stop growing.

When you two broads get on your periods

you'll get bigger and bigger.

And then your combined biomass

will knock the Earth out of orbit!

- Sounds like a bad sci-fi movie.

- Think of the children, will ya?

Only I, I got the cure.

So you gots to come with me.

Please?

- You want to pay that prick Joel a visit?

- Nah, he seems so small now.

- Yeah, insignificant, we're so much bigger than that.

- Way above it all.

- Mmhmm.

- Let's go have some more of that weed and head out of town.

- You're dealing with stolen alien technology!

Wait, no, come back!

When a grown man gets pissed on in front of

the whole world, well, there ain't no coming back from that.

So it's time to, time to get that pension.

And when I went to the VA, because I was shattered by

this experience, they said, yeah, well, you got PTSD,

but you don't have the regular kind.

And I was like, well, what are you talking about,

not the regular kind?

They said I had Piss Traumatic Syndrome Disorder

and that don't qualify me for no disability.

(fast rock music)

- Bye, shitface.

- Hey, Deidre.

- Huh?

- How do we get small again?

- Huh, I never thought of that.

- I'm hungry.

You want to rip the roof off that Sizzler

all-you-can-eat salad bar?

- What if we do like, that, zippo zammo thing again?

- Too bad we fried those little bitches

before we knew what's what.

- Do you still have your Betamax Capsule?

- Yeah, it's here somewhere.

- Zippo, zammo! - Zippo, zammo!

- [Narrator] Touching the Betamex Capsules

together Deidre and Freida become Team Giantess Attack.

- Whoa, whoa!

Oh boy, we're in big trouble now!

- What do you mean they're giants?

(electronic wave)

They're giants!

Get me outta here!

- We keep growing bigger and bigger.

- Good thing our clothes keep stretching with us.

(dramatic music)

(crowd cheering)

(woman screaming)

(crunching)

(crowd clapping)

- What are you doing?

- Nothing.

- Oh, look, I can see Beverly Hills from here.

- Oohh.

- There's that rat face Joel!

(laughs)

He's getting away with all our money!

(disco music)

- Oh,

my, God!

- Let's get him.

(tires squealing)

- You go get him.

- I can't believe this, are you kidding me?

Woo, yeah!

Oh, that was close.

(pounding)

- It's closed, there's no food!

(crashing)

No food!

I've got the munchies so bad!

- Yeah, going good now, baby.

(crashing)

What, are you kidding me?

(smashes road)

The worst!

(smashing buildings)

What the hell.

(rock music)

No, no, Freida wait.

We could work it out.

Come on, Freida, it's me.

Don't we work well together?

We're friends, we have good memories.

Put me down, please, put me down.

We can bring the show back.

I'll make you a big star.

You'll be bigger than ever, you'll be huge.

- Joel, I am a big star.

It's the pictures that have gotten smaller.

- Oh, put me down.

Freida, come on, it's me.

Freida, don't, don't, look, spit, don't swallow.

Yes, spit, please spit.

Spit, don't swallow.

No!

- Joel, I always swallow.

(police siren)

- Oh, my God!

Look at the size of these losers.

Hey, you!

You can't rip on Billy Idol that way, he's my hero!

(shoots gun)

(screams)

- Well, Deidre, a lot of evil men got trampled on today.

- And a few good ones, too.

- We're like real superheroes now.

- I know.

- We fight evil and shit.

- Yeah!

(both giggling)

Ooh!

Foot fetish weirdos!

- Wherever there's some creepy dude

stepping on a little guy, we'll be there.

Wherever there's evil in the world, we'll be there!

Wherever...

(phone ringing)

What's that beeping sound?

- What beeping sound?

I don't hear anything.

- No, it sounds like a cell phone.

(phones ringing)

Why are there cell phones going off in your stomach?

- Wow, how did that get there?

- You're not eating people are you?

- No, what makes you think that?

- How many people have you eaten?

- How can you accuse me of such a thing?

Okay, fine.

I was hungry for Mexican, so I ate a Mexican.

Mariachi band and a cop and a couple of other people.

I had the munchies from the weed.

- There are tons of cell phones and pagers

and radios going off in your tummy!

- Are you going to get all self-righteous

on me and whine and bitch all day?

I am sorry, it won't happen again.

Are you happy?

(phone ringing)

What the hell is that?

- Uh, Joel.

I ate Joel.

Kosher.

- You said you were vegan.

For eight seasons I have been putting up

with your self-righteous crap.

You're a scene stealing...

- Shut up, you bitch! (crashing)

- That is it, Combat Girl!

- Oh, yeah, you want it!

(yelling and fighting)

- Bitch, eat this bitch!

Here's a ball, you like balls, don't you?

- Stop messing up my hair!

How about a building?

(screaming and fighting)

- [Deidre] Tramp!

- [Freida] I'm not a tramp, you're a tramp!

I'm just easy, I'm not up for the rough stuff.

- [Deidre] You're just jealous, sidekick!

- [Freida] I'll kick your side.

- [Deidre] Slut!

- [Freida] Takes one to know one!

- [Deidre] What a great comeback.

- [Freida] You know all about comebacks.

- [Deidre] You'll never make one, whore.

(yelling and crashing)

(police sirens)

- I guess you can take the ho out of Hollywood, oh!

(smashes sign)

You want some wood, Battle Babe?

- That's it, kosher breath!

- Oh, yeah?

(screaming and grunting)

(foghorn)

- [Chet] It's a strange day,

just like that day on Hollywood Boulevard.

That giant broad that got us stoned.

- Don't bring that up again,

that nightmare.

Poor General Pittsburgh.

- [Chet] I tell ya, no man should have

to endure what he went through.

A hot, sexy mess of a woman treating a man like a sex toy.

That's the things nightmares are made of.

- Get ahold of yourself.

- It reminds me of a kid watching Glitter.

- For God sakes forget about Mariah Carey.

- Hey, pick up your mop, get to mopping already.

- It was right after 9/11.

We thought the nightmare was over.

Then Glitter came out.

Her sexy feet.

- [Burt] Don't relive the nightmare.

- You're right.

- We took a job on this ship.

We're far away from those things.

(lightning strikes)

(woman laughing)

- What the hell is that?

(woman laughing)

- I'm back, bitches!

(men screaming)

(waves crashing)

(screaming)

- [Narrator] Will the Metalunans destroy Earth

and all its people?

Will Team Giantess Attack diminish in size?

Will General Pittsburgh overcome

his Post Piss Stress Disorder?

Don't miss the next exciting episode of Giantess Attack.

Brought to you by Carmel Cookie Candy Smacks.

The delicious way to start any breakfast.

Carmel Cookie Candy Smacks, yummy!

(fast rock music)

(grunting)

(smacks)

- Ooh, I like it!

I like it, I like it, I like it.

(fast rock music)

(techno music)