Original subtitles

The lady says no.

The lady says...

No.

She's not the romantic kind.

She always says no.

She changes and signals so.

The lady says no.

You mean to say that people actually read this sort of rubbish?

Not even maybe?

Definitely no.

Going to town, mister?

Hop in.

OK, Posty, I got a live one!

Who's he?

Him?

He's my husband.

I bet when you saw me you didn't know I had a husband.

Always an optimist.

Last spring I married this love, meaning you pie face.

He was just an ordinary old garbage-detail private.

And now look!

Great big stripes all the way from his elbows

to his big, fat, gorgeous... Oh, boy, what a life!

It's wonderful.

Say, could I go for a guy who had a car like this.

How about it, Potsy?

He'll do, baby, and I'll little platform.

Well, honey, would you care?

Oh, what's that you do to me?

You married, mister?

Thank you, no.

What is dragging around in that little house?

Oh, camera, film, dark room, I'm a photographer for "Life" Magazine.

- Say, I once had a... - Shut up, Potsy!

How would you like to focus on a little blond?

Well, I wouldn't mind.

Well, there she is!

Stop!

Hey!

Look at the!

Baby!

Come on guys!

I got you a fella!

No kidding?

Honestly, Goldie, I'm ever so much obliged!

I'm Midge, who are you?

I'm... I'm your fella.

I'm awfully glad to know you.

Mutual.

Well, come on!

Let's go!

Stop!

You're going the wrong way!

Hey, this way to Monterrey!

Yeah, but I'm going to Carmel.

Who ever goes there?

It's for tree surgeons.

And woodpeckers.

The cherry phosphate crowd.

You want to go to Monterrey with me.

Yeah, I guess I do.

But first I'm supposed to meet Dorinda Hatch.

Who?

Dorinda Hatch, the woman who wrote the book.

What book?

You mean you never heard of "The Lady Says No, ' the number

one bestseller.

I never.

Me either.

Well this book has just about slowed up

kissing and that sort of thing to a standstill.

What for?

She's against it.

Against it!

- Good evening, my name is... - Mr. Shelby, I presume.

Do come in.

We've been expecting you.

Such a pleasure to meet a man who's taking pictures all over the world.

Oh, my niece.

How do you do?

I was just going to ask you that.

Oh, I do fine, thank you.

Yes, I can imagine.

Young man, what pictures did you want to take?

Oh, the pictures, well, a couple of you at your desk.

And maybe one knitting and feeding the cat.

The cat?

We must get you in on these.

- Well, I certainly hope so. - Yes, I hope so, too.

Well, we'll have to arrange the interview.

The interview?

Well, just a few simple questions,

how you came to write "The Lady Says No," and that sort of thing.

Oh, the idea originated entirely with my niece.

Oh, clever girl, helping you aunt Dorinda, huh?

She's my aunt Alice.

You see, I am Dorinda Hatch.

You are?

You mean you wrote that book about the... you did?

Yes, I did.

Yes, she did.

Her own thoughts entirely.

I contributed nothing.

- Now, aunt... - Excuse me!

I got to use the telephone.

She's with me.

Glad to meet you, honey.

I didn't catch the name.

Hello, goose?

This is Midge.

Her name is Midge.

Hey, by any chance did I have a date with you for tonight?

I was afraid of that.

Yeah, well it's all off.

I busted my ankle or something.

Yeah, it's all swelled up twice as normal.

I think I fell down some stairs.

Should she be walking?

Plucky little kid.

Standing you up?

When I can't even stand up on my own two feet?

Oh, really?

Well, that's the luck.

Some people.

People are disappointing.

You can give that one both bells, baby.

I beg your pardon?

She endorses what you say.

Look, special favor, will you take me home right away?

What's eating you?

I'm not going anywhere with him.

I must have had a temporary screw loose when I married that viper.

He did it again?

What's he do to her?

Talks about the girls he used to go with.

Oh, why, that's vicious.

She ought to read my book.

She ought to bounce it off his head.

Ah, gee, dry up honey.

You're not at home.

Who are these people?

You got me.

OK, OK, as usual, I'm the heel and you're the angel.

I apologize.

Well, you should!

Upsetting her like this.

She's so sensitive, but I'm supposed

to ignore this little matter of her and that supply Sergeant.

I was only trying to get you a couple of new shirts.

Ah, you sweet thing, and she was doing it for you.

Doing it for me?

Look at this poor girl, the state she's in.

What a price to pay for the little pleasure she gets out of you.

It don't cost her a cent, does it Goldie?

I pay for it.

And is it worth it?

No.

OK, OK, if it cost you so much, forget it!

Ah, gee, you sure fixed things.

He doesn't love me!

Of course he does!

I hate him!

Well don't let him get away with it!

Tell him so!

I certainly will!

You wouldn't be putting this in your article, would you?

Is there anything better?

Well, I hope you're satisfied.

Hey!

Well, come on!

Let's go!

Um, I have a little business to attend to in Monterrey.

So should we say, 10 o'clock tomorrow morning, Cyprus Point.

And you'd better wear your shorts.

My shorts, but why?

Oh, human interest.

I still say you wrote the book.

Well, goodnight.

Typical male, conceded, cock-sure, they all do it the same.

I can't imagine whatever they'll find to do in Monterrey.

They'll think of something.

Morning!

Good morning.

Lovely day for the pictures.

You're not exactly in your shorts.

I wasn't sure it was dignified.

On a beach?

My readers wouldn't expect me too.

I'm one of your readers.

I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

Oh, you have read my book.

Sure, last last, simply fascinating.

Thank you, men don't usually like it.

Don't get me wrong.

I hated it.

Reminded me of the work of some wild-eyed old buzzard that

hadn't been kissed since Calvin Coolidge was president.

It may fascinate you to know I wrote the book.

Would you care to see the original manuscript in my own handwriting?

Oh, sure you wrote it.

But your aunt Alice thought of it.

And from what I read, you're a very mixed up young lady.

My book gave me that impression?

Well, I did get in kind of late.

Maybe I skimmed it too fast and missed the point.

Maybe you did.

It seemed to me you were suggesting

that boys and girls should walk on opposite sides of the street.

Is this, uh... this thing necessary?

It's part of my outfit.

Oh, don't you t don't you think it takes away from the dignity of the thing?

Lets' give the impression in this picture

that you kind float through life without touching the ground.

Do you mind?

I might as well take your gloves.

I suppose you know your business.

That's good, now, against those rocks.

The idea of this picture is those rocks

will look hard, and cold, and sort of dead.

And you'll try to look warm, and soft, and full of life.

Can you handle it?

I think so.

Now what about that hat?

It's a nice hat.

Women do wear hats, especially if they write books like mine.

Well, the way I see it, you wrote the book with your brain.

And your brain is normally in your head.

So let's take a look at your head, huh?

That's logical.

Chin up, shoulder, oo, nice neck.

Get it over with!

Oh, now we must take our time.

This picture's for "Life" magazine, five million readers,

four readers for every topic, 20 million people

are going to see this picture.

Are you sure you're giving them the right idea of me?

You know, I wish you'd take off that jacket.

Got what you want?

Not yet, too bad you didn't wear your shorts.

You couldn't have read my book from what you're asking.

The more I get into this, the more

I feel sure you ought to go home and put on those shorts.

All right, all right.

Aha!

Further proof!

Proof of what?

Proof you never wrote that book.

I did, with my own little head.

What a waste of your own little head.

What a convincer you'd be for our side.

Your side?

Us people, who believe in marriage and that sort of thing.

Oh, I advocate marriage, but under my own system.

In your system people would be better off pitching horseshoes.

All you're after is a slinky pose.

Who, me?

Then I'll give you what you came for.

OK, shoot!

You may relax.

Was it what you wanted?

All my life.

Well, you asked for glamor.

You know I can't use that.

Oh, that's too bad then because that's

all the posing I'm going to do for you.

What do you mean?

I mean good day.

Dorinda?

Come here.

Well, how did it go?

He made fun of me and my book.

Oh natural male insolence is to be expected.

Well, I just won't see him anymore.

Oh, no, and why won't we, dear?

He intends to make a public jackass out of me.

I'd like to see the man that could do that.

Good morning!

Well, well, well, look who's here?

Dear old Uncle Matt.

Me darling niece, me warm and ever-loving wife.

Did you hear the bell ring, Aunt Alice?

I thought I locked that door.

Welcome home, uncle Matt, welcome home.

Outside Matthew Hatch!

Mrs. Matthew Hatch, have you forgotten our tender marriage vows?

I wish I could.

Wheresoever thou dwellest, there dwell I. Wherever though

goest, there go I, which is my bedroom.

Oh, Dorinda, don't let him!

Wheresoever though dwellest, uncle Matt, it's going to be elsewhere.

Now, please leave!

One thing I cannot stand is insincerity.

Insincerity!

Listen to this.

Dear Unkee Matt, I love you.

Come home.

Signed, Dodee.

I wrote that when I was five years old!

Yes, extraordinary talent, too bad

you had to waste it on that malicious twaddle of a book.

And you're so sincere!

You go gallivanting off any time you please,

for months, for years at a time!

And each time you come back, you upset us!

And this time it took to Dorinda's book to dredge you up from nowhere.

Stay out of this you mealy-mouthed herring.

You...!

You cassowary.

Dorinda!

Vegetable.

Why right have you to call her names?

She's my wife, isn't she?

Pig!

Now, Alice, that's not like you at all.

Well, I'm sorry.

And now you're on our necks again.

Serves you right for insulting my intelligence with that book.

Oh, I notice you're here to sponge the profits.

Tell me, where did you get the idea that all men were no good?

From you.

Well, there's your book.

I suppose I'm entitled to eat on that, aren't I?

Oh, Dorinda, tell your uncle we'll give him $100 to leave town.

Dorinda, kindly notify you're aunt Alice that I wouldn't leave for $1000.

$1000!

Oh, both of you, please.

Remember all the happy times we had.

Remember Rover, our little dog?

Oh, stop it.

Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind.

Oh, please don't.

Oh, Dorinda, he doesn't care for us.

He only turned up this time because he's broke!

Dorinda, tell your aunt Alice that's a lie.

It's no use, Uncle Matt.

This time you can't bother us.

All right, I'll go.

You're cordially invited to attend a tea,

am open forum, honoring Miss Dorinda Hatch.

I accept!

Oh no!

There will be a discussion of Miss Hatch's book.

Good, I should be a sensation on that subject.

Uncle Matt, you can't.

Open to the public.

But you'll heckle me.

Why not?

A little public Debate on your crazy book.

Oh, he'll cause trouble.

Give him anything he wants.

Room and board, and my lips are sealed.

Oh, uncle Matt, you're a terrible man.

What do you want here?

The love and affection of my family, madam.

I'm glad to see you, uncle Matt.

Ladies, I'm sure we all enjoyed the piano interlude.

But now we must hurry on to our period of questions and answers.

Does anyone have a question?

Yes?

I should like to ask Miss Hatch, in your last chapter you

say that a girl shouldn't let a man get away with whistling at her.

Ha!

Did you say something, Mr. Shelby?

I said, ha!

Did you have any further thoughts on the subject?

No, I think a simple ha just about covers everything.

Women love to be whistled at, don't you?

Well, I... well, what if I didn't?

What could I do about it?

Yeah, what could she do about it?

Well, if you'd be kind enough to volunteer services,

I'd be glad to demonstrate.

Would you?

Don't go up there, my boy.

Oh, what could happen.

This is awfully kind of you.

No charge.

Well, when do I whistle?

If you'll just lean against that corner drugstore.

Corner drugstore here?

Over there, now just assume that cocky attitude.

Cocky attitude.

He is now ready to whistle at the girl to make her angry.

Her problem is to keep calm and make him angry instead.

You think you can make me angry?

I I come.

Did you whistle, sir?

Yes.

Oh, I'm so flattered that you notice poor little me.

All right.

I can hardly believe I'm worthy to be whistled at.

Oh, sure you are.

Lucky, lucky me, whistled at with my lipstick all smeared.

Don't use your handkerchief for that.

What should I?

Why, this!

Angry yet?

Not a bit.

Oh, you're crowding me.

Well, we make a cozy little crowd though, don't you think?

Oh my goodness, yes.

Yes.

Pity I didn't bring my other suits.

Aren't you a teensy bit angry?

How could you make me angry?

I can't imagine.

Oh, very funny, yes indeed, never a dull moment at the old Pine Inn.

Aren't you sorry that you whistled at me?

And miss all this?

Never.

You have the sweetest temper of any man I have ever met.

Oh, I can take a joke.

Mad now?

Not yet.

Soon?

Maybe.

That's all.

Feel fine.

Aren't you sorry that you whistled at me?

No regrets.

Bet you wouldn't feel so chipper if I hit you in the ace

with a piece of pie.

Oh, now wait a minute.

This is really ridiculous.

Could I trouble one of you ladies for a piece of pie?

Oh, what kind?

Banana cream.

Thank you.

Look, this went out with silent pictures.

You don't want to waste that piece of pie.

Oh, it wouldn't be waste at all, just a way to prove my point.

Whistle at me once more.

Angry yet?

Yes!

Are you all right, my boy?

Pie!

Of all the booby-headed crackpots!

Blame it on aunt Alice.

You oblige me one thing, you take share of the wrap for the little monster.

I've been trying to hammer some sense into her ever since that fateful day.

You should never have come home drunk

on her 12th birthday when you promised to take her to the zoo.

You know, you said that.

Why, the poor little thing was...

the poor little thing was disappointed in you.

She was crushed.

I wish you'd stop all this poor little thing.

Well, she was... crushed.

Well, why don't you un-crush her?

Yes.

I'll step aside. I'll hand it to you on a plate.

I crushed her on her 12th birthday. Now you un-crush her.

Matthew, I'll do that.

I'll... I'll straighten her out.

- This is noble of you. - Noble!

Great heavens, boy! That's you!

Definitely it's me. I took it myself of me.

My boy, you're an author. I'm proud of you.

Permit me to present you with this pencil,

personally sharpened by Matthew Huntington Hatch,

uncle and childhood tutor of Dorinda Hatch.

Oh, Matthew, I'm touched.

Now allow me to present you with a copy of my book.

You like it, but hasty.

I hasty.

Mr. Shelby, you are hereby notified

that I'm complaining to "Life" though my lawyers

about your conduct toward me.

You're antagonistic, and hostile, and snippy about my book.

The picture story is off.

You're supercilious and insufferable, also too fresh.

I hope I have seen the last of you.

Sincerely, yours.

Could I end it with regards?

After what you've said?

Well, I don't want to hurt his feelings.

Oh, Dorinda.

Special delivery.

Thank you.

I usually get a dime.

Well, you just save your money, little boy.

Ah!

What's this?

Oh my gosh!

If he ever sends this in... well, I won't let him get away with it.

Mr. Shelby?

MR. SHELBY Who is it?

Dorinda Hatch.

Who?

Dorin... oh, Mr. Shelby.

Why, Dorinda Hatch.

I've got to talk to you.

Well, come on in.

You come out.

You come in.

So this is the way you operate?

Yep, yeah this is what I do.

You're pretty successful, aren't you?

Oh, I do all right.

I suppose you know why I'm here.

Am I going to get it?

How bad you want it?

Bad enough to ask you.

Oh, that's bad.

There's something I...

This kind of shapes up into an old-fashioned situation, doesn't it?

What do you want?

A little token of love and affection.

No!

Just one?

You know it's against my principles.

Not mine.

No, I couldn't.

No.

All right, you keep yours, and I'll keep mine.

Just one?

Just one.

Naturally, you have the whole place rigged up to photograph this.

No, no pics.

Nobody watching?

All right, make it fast.

Take it easy.

This has got to be good.

I'll take care of my half.

You take care of yours.

With your lack of experience?

But I have instincts, don't I?

Don't I?

We'll see.

What's the matter?

I don't understand what you're trying to do.

I'm going to kiss you, remember?

Hold still!

Look, let's take this thing slowly, shall we?

All right, what comes first?

First, you put your left hand on my right shoulder.

What's next?

Now try not to be alarmed if I am slowly,

but gently, sliding my left arm around your waist.

What do I do with my other hand?

Put it behind my neck.

I didn't know it was so complicated.

Now we just tighten up for the big moment.

Oh, easy!

You trying to kill a guy?

OK, this is it.

Should I hold my breath?

Optional.

Should I close my eyes.

If it helps.

Now just try to relax.

Concentrate.

What are you thinking about now?

I'm sorry I hit you with that piece of pie.

Was it all right?

Mm.

Was it?

Odd.

What's odd?

Odd effect.

Wasn't it like other girls?

Not in the slightest.

Not like any other girl?

Well, there was a girl in Sioux Falls.

But that was a very cold day.

And it wasn't...

All this humor at my expense is not in our little deal.

I came across. Now how about you?

All right, there you are.

And there's he negative.

And here's one for you.

You mean you don't want me to do the story about you?

I forbid it.

Well, it wasn't any good anyway.

- But you came all the way down... - It was just an excuse to go fishing.

I don't see if that's the case why you went to all the trouble to kiss me.

Yeah, hardly worth the bother.

You're right.

You did feel some way about it, didn't you?

To be brutally, Frank, I'd rather kiss a stone wall

than go through that again?

Then you didn't.

Well, don't worry about it.

I'm sure you're talented at other things.

You wouldn't like to try it again would you?

Not again, thank you.

I could try harder.

There's no use.

I know I could do better.

You've either got it, or you haven't.

You just don't put your heart into it.

I promise to.

Well, you'll have to put your shoulder into it too.

I promise.

Oh, all right, but just one.

Just one.

Come on.

Snap it up.

I haven't got all night.

I've got a date in Monterrey.

Maybe it would help me if you closed your eyes.

Oh, OK.

Try and put something into it this time.

Oh, I promise.

I'll give it everything I've got.

You scorpion!

You snake in the grass!

Uncle Matt!

Let me in!

Suffering guts Dorinda, where's your key?

In Bill Shelby's trailer.

What were you doing in his trailer?

Kissing him!

Open that door!

Coming!

Will wonders never cease.

Hold your horses, little girl.

You kissed him.

That's amazing.

I also slugged him.

Is that amazing?

You love him.

You hate him.

You want to go back to his trailer.

If I did, I would.

You cannot obey the savage beats of the primitive drums of instinct.

What in the world have you been reading?

William Shelby.

How could that hyena write a book?

With a native girl Marimba as a guide,

I took me gun and pushed into the interior.

I'm not interested in Mr. Shelby's tropical frolics.

Maybe you have him on your mind unconsciously?

Don't be ridiculous.

And I'm quite conscious, thank you.

Get dressed!

We're going to Monterrey!

There he is.

Come on.

He's with his pals.

He's happy and contented.

Why don't we go home and leave him alone?

You started this.

You had to show me that book.

You had to start beating that drum!

I started it?

Now, listen, I wash my hands of the entire affair.

After all, I'm your uncle.

I will not betray my friend.

Goodnight!

Uncle Matt, you can't...

What'll you order?

Oh, whatever.

Whatever?

I have no license to make one.

Well then, the Wharf Rat Special.

It's a special.

If I make you one, it's on your conscience, not mine.

It's about time I had something on my conscience, don't you think.

OK, lady, you'll get it.

Say something, lady!

Please, are you all right lady?

Perfectly.

Good evening, Miss Hatch.

Oh, Mr. Shelby, out doing the night spots?

Why don't you come and join our part?

I'm waiting for my escort, you know.

Your uncle Matt he left. I saw him.

He did? Oh, that man.

He can't leave.

You owe the house $1, lady.

What?

Oh dear, I came out without my... Now I have a mortgage on you.

This is awfully nice of you.

I don't deserve to have you rescue me after the way I kissed you.

Think nothing of it.

I'm surprised to see you in a joint like this.

I only came to study the grizzlier side of life.

Oh, well you know Midge.

Hello.

Potsy, Goldie, and is goose, your date.

Hi.

Nice to know you.

Won't you sit down, please?

Waiter?

Bring over some drinks for my friends, huh?

Hey, it cost me $1 to pick her up.

Oh, any time, any time.

I will repay the $1 first thing.

You owe him now.

Oh, no hurry, no hurry.

You and me, huh kitten?

If you say so, Goose.

I get a warm feeling out of you?

You do?

Mhm.

Well I can feel it getting warmer.

Oh!

I'm so sorry!

My big elbow.

Just hold that mood until I get back, baby.

Hey, dance with me.

Say!

Haven't you got a boyfriend of your own?

Bother him!

I did.

And now if you don't mind, I'd like to bother yours.

You've got a crust like a honeymoon biscuit.

Yeah, I'm surprised.

You hone in here and take over.

May I take over now?

Do you mind?

Certainly, I mind.

Oh, the nerve... say, why don't you get lost?

Pardon me?

Will you do me favor?

What?

Oh, I hate to ask this of you, but will you shut your big face?

- Now, that's about... - Sit down, Midge.

I'll be right back.

I'm not... why she... why that dirty, sneaky female!

Now why did you have to do that?

To be alone with you.

Yeah, well that's very interesting.

Last time we were alone together, you neither knocked my block off.

I'm glad I didn't.

Thank you.

You see, when I kissed you...

Don't you mean when you slugged me?

No, when I kissed you earlier.

Oh, that time.

Wasn't it I who kissed you?

When we kissed each other.

Well, later, after that, it just happens I felt something.

Yeah?

Go on.

I felt fond of you.

Is that so?

When did you begin to feel this feeling?

When I slugged you.

And ever since it's been more so, but worse.

You know, this is no good.

You're the author of a book against this sort of feeling.

You begin to look quite wonderful to me.

Isn't that horrible?

Awful.

Isn't there anything we could do about it?

There must be something.

Hey!

Midge says tell you some fine date

you are, leaving her with a bowl of chowder.

You've got another thing coming, she said,

if you think she's going to put with this kind of short order

hash from you.

Also, she's going home, sore.

Golly!

Where is she?

What makes her so important?

She don't take no stuff from nobody unless she wants to.

Then she takes anything you'd nail down.

Well, I think it's disgusting.

Why, any woman could get a man like that if she wanted to.

I know I could.

Couldn't I?

You don't have the stuff it takes to take the stuff you don't have.

Oh, I don't, don't I?

OK, Potsy, you're going to dance?

Why?

No back talk or I'll kick you in the shins.

You dance divinely.

Sure, me and Goldie's won contests.

You could do with a couple lessons yourself.

Oh, I could?

No offense, you understand.

I'm just speaking frankly.

Well, I haven't danced much.

It figures.

How come it figures?

Anybody could see you don't know the score.

Oh, I don't know the score, huh?

A girl would come to a joint like this in a dress like that,

she don't add up.

Well, for you information, I do add up.

To what?

How would you like a big breath of fresh air?

Why?

This way!

I love the smell of the sea.

Don't you?

I don't go for them fish canners.

But let's go in.

No, no, wait, oh, isn't the water beautiful?

It's filled with diesel oil from the tuna boats.

They pump it out of their bilches.

I mean the way it looks.

Well, it looks all right to me, why?

It's beautiful.

It's very dirty.

Oh, look at that moon up there.

What about it?

Kind of a special moon tonight, don't you feel?

Now, no.

Doesn't it make you think of something?

Gosh, I forgot to turn off to gas under the double boiler!

Goldie's gonna kill me!

Damn!

Come back here.

What's up?

Don't play so innocent.

You know what's moonlight for.

Yeah, but I'm a married man.

You're so right.

Gee, Goldie!

Oh, hello.

We were just saying it's brighter out here than it is inside.

Well, if it gets too bright out here,

somebody's going to find a couple of dark rings

around a couple of their eyes.

Of all the man moochers I ever saw!

Hey Goldie!

I forgot to turn off the gas under the double boiler?

Oh, then you're going to have to eat those chicken livers all by yourself.

But they'll be all burned up to a crisp.

Well, so am I right now.

And if you don't want to get singed, you better get in there

and order me some beer!

OK, Goldie.

Now then, miss love pirate, how would you

care to step into the powder room for a brief row?

Not especially.

March, you homewrecker!

All right, but quit your shoving!

Goldie and me.

What's happened?

She caught me making passionate advances to that flimsy you shoved off on me.

You mean Dorinda?

You wouldn't believe it.

That dame got me out there in the dark.

And she wouldn't leave me aloe.

This is amazing.

I'm not used to dames like her.

And I'm surprised at you, associating tramps like her

in a party with my wife!

You know, Bill, Goldie's a nice girl.

She's sweet.

Two beers.

Yeah, sweet.

That is for up to now.

Anything from now on goes double.

And if you want a permanent twist to your little pink ear,

just repeat that disgusting performance I saw out there on the porch.

You husband snatcher!

Let me handle her please, Midge.

Of all the nervy girls, you certainly

take the cake for gall, grabbing Potsy right under my nose!

You can have him.

Oh, thank you, well, for your information, I got him.

And I'm going to keep him, see.

He's all yours.

Well, will you kindly explain what I saw between you

and him out there in the dark.

I didn't know it was him.

Oh, honestly.

Is that all you have to say about this matter?

One thing more.

This only proves that struggles over men

produce emotional storms that lead

to unhappiness for the unfortunate woman.

Let me tell you a few things.

First, is Potsy worth the anguish and misery you feel right now?

No.

Sure he is!

Secondly, at this moment, wouldn't you

be happier if you'd never known Potsy?

Yes.

No, of course not!

Say, why are you sticking up for my husband?

Because he's a nice guy.

Let us not blind ourselves to facts, my dear Midge.

He is a jerk.

Well, that may be, but he's the nicest jerk you'll ever know.

Well, just because I know him, do I have to feel... wretched?

Who does he think he's torturing?

You know what it is about Goldie?

Something that doesn't show?

Goldie's got, and I mean this, character.

Well, that can't hurt her.

As a matter of fact, I'm glad for your sake.

And I don't mean that you haven't got it to.

Character.

Another beer for my wife.

Here she comes.

What do you mean making me suffer?

Now, Goldie.

You too!

You're all alike.

Is this my beer?

Yeah.

Honestly, I don't know why a woman lets a man torment her so.

You know, it's none of my business

if you were raised in a barn like you act.

But in my social set, we do not throw the harpoon

into another woman's husband, with or without she is present.

I agree.

Potsy was a big mistake.

I was only trying an experiment.

Actually, I was aiming at another party.

Which would be my date?

Am I right?

Well, you lay off!

And fair warning.

Good men are hard to find, especially on Saturday night.

Goose likes you!

Shall we trade?

Not so fast little miss grabby.

I am an old-fashioned girl with old-fashioned ideas.

Well, so am I. If you won't trade, can I buy him from you?

For cash?

And I'll throw in Goose for nothing.

It's not ethical, the very idea.

I've never heard of such a thing!

Swiping up a boyfriend for cash money?

Honestly, Dorinda, I don't approve of your technique or methods either.

Will you do it?

Certainly not.

Maybe I don't where a beautiful, expensive gown like yours.

But I wouldn't do a shoddy thing like that.

Do you like this dress?

Oh, certainly, it's gorgeous.

But that's beside the point.

I will trade you this dress for Bill Shelby.

That dress for... no, I couldn't.

What size?

Back zipper.

Is it any better to do it for a dress?

Oh, no money changes hands.

But is it ethical?

Oh, are men ethical?

- Ah, I got a conscience. - You've got a new dress!

But I'm making progress on that dame.

She likes me!

Be reasonable, Goose, why should she like you?

I suppose you think I'm too dumb for her or something else.

Why should I think something else?

You are too dumb for her.

But I'm affectionate.

I'll take care of her affections from here on.

Well, don't I get something out of this?

Here it comes.

You and me are through.

Any questions?

Why argue?

Come on, Goose.

You're it.

Should I struggle?

Bartender, I'll have a beer.

Yes, sir.

Hi!

Well, look at us.

Whatever happened to Dorinda?

That cook?

I gave her car fare.

And what's this act for?

I modernized.

Don't you think this little number has a lot of appeal?

Appeal for what?

For men!

Oh, you're such an obvious...

But that's what they like, the obvious!

Oh, cut it out!

I only did it to please you.

That dress.

You seemed to like it on Midge.

On Midge it fits.

Me too!

This kind of thing is just not your style!

No?

No!

Oh, hello George.

My name's Al.

And mine's Dodee.

Shall we dance, Al?

Yeah!

Pardon me?

Wait a minute, partner, what's the idea?

This is my girl.

I'm cutting in.

A perfect stranger, Al.

Oh!

Hey, what's up?

This fellow grabbed me.

Oh yeah?

Yeah!

Excuse me.

Oh yeah?

Yeah!

Oh yeah!

Oh Goose, I'm so sorry.

Don't worry little gal.

I'll protect you.

Oh, hello Bill!

Meet Maury.

Keep away, you big lutz!

And all you fellas are being nice to me.

Dorinda!

Oh, here he is now.

You now Maurice, and this is Stanley, and this is Ralph.

And what was your name honey?

Horace.

You were sure rocking back there in the joint.

And now not a peep out of you.

I'm thinking.

What's to think?

Oh, nothing, what did you think?

Oh, nothing, naturally.

Is this what you call a romantic night?

Yes.

The night air, the smell of the honeysuckle, and that moon up there.

And you here.

And you, a romantic night always has a moon and a you, doesn't it?

They say.

Who was the you last night, and the night before?

And who's going to be the you tomorrow night?

I'd like you to be the you.

You really feel it all?

Yes.

I don't.

- Oh, but earlier... - I know.

I was crazy. Something got into me.

But now that we've had our romantic night, I can see it's all mechanical.

If you don't press the buttons, the wheels don't turn.

You don't have to feel these things.

Only you do.

No.

I don't believe you.

Turn off the honeysuckle, Mr. Shelby.

Thank you for a lovely evening.

Thank you too, goodnight.

Oh, I suppose now you're angry with me?

That's right.

You see, it's even automatic that you're angry with me?

Yeah, sure.

You would have made love to me, said things to me.

Yes, I would.

But first I'd take your hand so you couldn't get away.

Then I'd plant the kiss on that little vein

at the side of your neck where the blood comes up from your heart.

Then I'd kiss the other side so you wouldn't feel off balance.

Then your hair, from the shimmer of it, right down to the roots,

down to every nerve.

Then I'd put my arm around you and take you over

to that swing at the dark end of the porch.

We'd sit.

Listen to the crickets.

Just kind of breath in the night, the honeysuckle, like you said.

Maybe we'd watch the moon go into the clouds.

And I'd be holding you very gently,

your head on my shoulder, telling you what having you

and holding you always could mean to me, how much it mattered.

I'd wait for you to whisper that you wanted me, too.

And then, then I'd turn your face to mine.

And then I'd kiss you.

Only, you wouldn't feel a thing because machinery doesn't feel.

It just moves when you press the buttons.

Dorinda, what are you doing in that outfit?

Where have you been? What's happened?

I'm not sure.

Dorinda, you tell your aunt Alice what was going on out there.

Nothing, I'm afraid.

As if anything could happen to her.

Oh, you'd like it!

You planned this!

I had nothing whatever to do with it.

It was entirely her own idea.

Her own idea, fiddlesticks!

Yes, I thought of it all by myself.

Dorinda!

Darling!

The spring's coming.

The ice is breaking up.

I never thought I'd live to see the great thaw.

Hello, Midge.

Hatch!

How you been since Saturday night?

Fine.

What are you doing at Fort Ord?

Oh, I just thought I'd stop buy and see

how the national defense is getting along.

Say, I been reading this.

I wouldn't believe you wrote a book.

Do you like it?

Honestly now, Hatch, you must have

written this with your foot in your cheek or something.

It's thoroughly squirrely, not like you at all.

That's the real me.

Ha!

I've seen you in action.

You're a terror, dynamite.

It was you that caused all that trouble between Goldie and Potsy.

What trouble?

Hey, you only wrote this for the money didn't you?

Might've at that.

OK then.

I was worried perhaps you wanted I should give up my way of life.

What did I do to Goldie and Potsy?

Plenty.

Well, it may look that way from your point of view, butt...

You know what you need?

I... what?

A banana split.

Is that all I need?

Hey, how come you knew I was working in the PX?

I called the commanding general.

Do you mean to say that General Schofield knows that I'm working here?

A major general.

By the way, have you seen Bill?

It's too bad that redhead had to land him.

Who?

That fire wagon they say he married.

Bill got married?

No, honey, I'm talking about the general.

You did come here to discuss military tactics, didn't you?

As a matter of fact, I wondered if you knew where Bill is.

I can find him when I'm looking for him.

Where is he?

I'm not looking for him.

Do you like this blouse?

Now, keep your shirt on, Hatch.

You and me are making no more deals where I get shut out in the cold.

I gave you one crack at him.

And how'd you behave?

Like a hog in a manger.

How is Bill, having a lot of fun?

He's kind of crowded with two living in his trailer.

Two?

He must be pressed for room.

Yeah, he's pretty pressed.

It's kinda crowded, two in one trailer.

You want nuts on this?

Huh?

Oh.

Still, they're built for two.

Yeah, but not for all them beer bottles.

Why has he been drinking?

Oh, not him so much.

You?

Potsy.

Potsy!

Well, yeah, what did you think?

Ever since Goldie read your book,

poor Potsy had to pack his pajamas, and his GI shoes, and move to Bill's.

My book did it?

All on account of you.

Is that what happens?

Hey!

Where you going?

You're banana split!

Do you want a banana split?

No, thank you.

You're kind of new around here, aren't you?

Three days.

Well, son, in the army, when somebody

asks us do we want a banana split, what do we say?

Yes, ma'am.

That'll be $0.30.

When I wrote the book, I wasn't thinking of you and Potsy.

On page 99, you say a woman that pulls with all her heart

in the tug of war of marriage may end up with a big jerk, Potsy.

I didn't mean that kind of jerk.

Only talk to him, will you?

How?

In pig Latin?

Be nice.

To that self-centered male bigot?

How can you say that?

Because you did on, page 104.

He loves you, Goldie.

There it is.

No wonder it took me so long to find it.

Come on.

I'll wait.

You promised!

Come on!

It's against my better principles!

Bill?

Not at home.

Potsy?

At the dentist.

Oh, the heck with both of them.

Let's go.

Look, I got you into this.

And I'm getting you out.

You certainly contradict your book.

Open that door!

Nobody here but us chickens!

Cocka-doodle-doo!

I am plain disgusted!

Let's go!

Hush up while I think.

If Potsy won't move, we'll move him.

Come on!

Honestly, the way you pull people around!

What I say is, is women and women.

A woman will always stick by another woman.

Once a woman, always a woman.

Oh, you said it.

We're being kidnapped!

But Dorinda, Potsy's in there!

I hope he's got plenty of bumps.

Honest, I don't know if this is so good for a...

Nothing better.

What was that?

I don't know.

OK, Potsy you're home!

Home sweet home!

It takes a woman to make a home.

And another woman to wreck it.

What's this all about?

Potsy won't come out.

Why not?

Well, Goldie here believes in one sort of thing.

And, naturally, Potsy wouldn't.

I don't understand.

So Potsy moved out.

And now he's in with Bill.

And Bil only makes things worse because I can't get Potsy out to explain!

Who's the driver of this car?

Who's in charge here?

Just a minute, officer.

You're on a US military reservation.

The MPs will handle this.

We've got eight violations of the Monterrey traffic cold

and 13 violations of the state highway code.

OK, we'll call the Provost Marshall.

Get the guard house.

Will you write to me in prison?

I'll send you cookies.

Potsy, you've got to come out now!

Do I have to, Bill?

No, you sit there.

You're not in shape yet.

Who started all this?

We gotta find this fellow Potsy.

What's all this Potsy talk?

That's the trouble.

Potsy won't talk.

Where is he?

Where am I?

You ever find out, you'll have a nervous breakdown.

Potsy, come help.

Talk to Goldie.

I'm sick.

The United States Army is going to make you sicker

if you're late for reveille one more time.

Captain Silby told me.

So I sleep late.

So I'm late for reveille.

So they bust me to private.

Who cares!

I care, you big dumb boob!

So join the wax yourself!

Go to reveille yourself!

Tell them you read that book and they'll put you in the armored forces!

I hate him!

Oh thank heavens, Dorinda, you opened my eyes

to that flying saucer I married.

Now, Potsy!

What's this all about?

Something about a flying saucer, sir.

Great Scott!

Have they notified the Pentagon?

Let me through!

Pentagon?

Who saw this flying saucer?

She did, Colonel.

Oh, Goldie, don't cry.

No need to be hysterical.

You Sargent, inform the Commanding General.

Yes, sir!

Love is but the bait that traps women in emotional slavery.

Oh, shut up.

Shut up!

Will you forget my stupid book?

Stupid?

Yes, I said stupid!

It's full of lies and silly nonsense!

And you're a silly, stupid girl to believe it!

Hear that music?

Well, what do you know?

It's a trick to get me out of here.

My book is breaking your heart because you

really want that man in there, even if he is an idiot.

You've got to realize I was wrong.

I never should have written that book.

Well, after I laid out $2 and practically memorized...

Goldie, forget every word of it.

It's rubbish.

All that matters is that you love Potsy.

Oh, well, now I'm all mixed up.

So am I.

General Schofield!

I believe she means it, Potsy.

It's too late.

No power on Earth is going to make me move them pajamas.

Potsy, please, you just gotta come out!

Who's says I gotta?

Major General Horatio W. Schofield!

Yes, sir.

And bring those pajamas!

At ease, Sergeant.

Didn't you hear me say at ease?

Yes, sir.

I mean it's not easy to be at ease, sir.

Relax, come here.

Carry on Miss Hatch.

Here's your man.

Potsy, I'm sorry.

I caused all the trouble between you and Goldie.

I apologize.

OK.

Potsy, you know that underneath and in spite

of my terrible book, Goldie really loves you.

I don't know if I do.

Of course you do.

If he does?

Of course he does!

Who said?

I do!

Yes, sir.

Isn't it worth it?

Don't you really want each other?

Well, if he does.

Don't you, Potsy, after Goldie came and met you over halfway?

Don't you want her?

Well, what if I do?

Hey kids, that's it.

But how do I know you want me?

If I say so.

Yeah, only you say so if and when I got to say so first.

Would that kill you?

Well, why should I stick my neck out, sir?

It's your neck.

Go ahead.

Stick it out.

What can you lose?

I gotta love her, before I know if she... I mean, do I, sir?

Golly, Potsy, you're the man.

Yeah!

She can't take away from you.

Well, now we got that straightened out, give me that book.

Here, all yours.

There, all yours.

Goldie, honey, I'm going way out on a limb with this.

But if you don't know I love you, you're nuts.

Say it again.

You're nuts.

About you, you devil.

In case I never told you, I would go through fire and also water for you.

Would you, Potsy?

Fire and water.

Dorinda!

Just a minute, fella?

Is that your trailer over there?

Yes...

Let's see your driver's license. Yes...

Yes, Dorinda? Yes...

You driver's license. Yes...

But officer, I wasn't driving. Yes...

I was just sitting in the back. Yes...

Hey, fella, the driver's license. Yes...

I was sitting with a friend. Yes...

And I don't want to come to this camp. Yes...

Dorinda what are you doing? Yes...

Packing. Yes...

Well, tell us, darling, is there anything wrong? Yes...

Me. Yes...

Can I help, dear? Yes...

Yes...

I'm sorry, aunt Alice, but you can't. Yes...

And neither can you. Yes...

Both of you quarrelled and scrapped Yes...

until I lost track of which is love and which is hate. Yes...

But I'm through being your punching bag, and your referee, Yes...

and your battleground. Yes...

I'm going to help myself. Yes...

Oh, darling. Yes...

If I hadn't come back, she wouldn't be walking out on you. Yes...

No, Matt, it's just that she doesn't love me anymore. Yes...

Of course she does. Yes...

Dorinda? Yes...

Yes? Yes...

How can you do this? Yes...

How can you leave your aunt Alice. Yes...

It's not easy, uncle Matt. Yes...

But it's high time. Yes...

I'm a big girl now with a little unfinished business that's all my own. Yes...

Yes...

But she depends on you. Yes...

Naturally, who else can she depend on? Yes...

It's all my fault. Yes...

No, Matt, please, don't worry about me. Yes...

I have the house and your pension money. Yes...

I'll get a long somehow. Yes...

Living here along, this empty house? Yes...

Who will you talk to? Yes...

The post man, the milk man. Yes...

The milk man, don't you realize when that girl walks out Yes...

of here you face loneliness? Yes...

That's all I've earned I deserve no better. Yes...

Well, great heavens, maybe we deserve no better. Yes...

But Dorinda's right, it's high time we earned something better. Yes...

Sit down a minute. Yes...

There's something I've got to tell you that may be a bit of a shock. Yes...

What is it, Matt? Yes...

Well, maybe I should have told you years ago. Yes...

But, well, I couldn't. Yes...

Yes...

Go on. Say it if you have to, Matt. Yes...

Yes...

Alice, I love you. Yes...

Yes...

Oh, Matt. Yes...

Yes...

Obviously I'm only in the way around here. Yes...

Oh, Dorinda! Yes...

Kiss me goodbye. Yes...

Yes...

Don't you love me anymore? Yes...

I love you both. Yes...

I hope you'll both be happy. Yes...

Yes...

Where do you think you're going? Yes...

Away. Yes...

Why? Yes...

To find myself. Yes...

Are you lost? Yes...

Can I help? Yes...

Yes...

If you please. Yes...

Step this way. Yes...

Yes...

Now if you're really trying to find yourself, Yes...

I have some secret information about where you are. Yes...

Where? Yes...

You are a poor, misguided little girl Yes...

who got herself all tangled up about sex, Yes...

who wrote a poor, misguided, tangled up book about sex that Yes...

was read by hundreds of thousands Yes...

or poor, misguided people who were all tangled up about sex. Yes...

Do you follow me? Yes...

So why don't you call that a bad job and do better? Yes...

Wait a minute! Yes...

Yes...

There, not I'm all set to do better. Yes...

But how do I begin? Yes...

Can I be of any help? Yes...

Start me off, page one, chapter one. Yes...

Everything that's printed in the book is not necessarily so. Yes...

But it could be? Yes...

A new book, a new book, 27 ways to say yes, by Dorinda Hatch. Yes...

And something tells me... it's gonna be a big, long book. Yes...

Yes...