Original subtitles

Nicky. Hey, Alison. How can I help?

The police are at the door and they're saying

they've had a report that you've murdered your entire family.

Oh.

OK.

Exquisite.

Simply exquisite.

HE GASPS

The actual police. Nicholas Kettle? This is he.

We had a call earlier this evening that you killed your entire family.

No, no, no, no. OK, this is about a girl, see?

Because I am currently being trolled by an international

consortium of griefers and gankers.

And what they've cooked up for me

here tonight is what's known as a swatting,

wherein the troll phones the police, "Hello, police,

"Nicky's butchered his mum, dad and brother

"with a serrated utility knife."

And what they're then hoping for is that you will show up

and brutalise me.

Needless to say, very much in the opposite camp.

Says he, nervously eyeing the gentleman's truncheon.

Can we just come in and take a look? Be my guest.

No cadavers here.

Or is there?! HE LAUGHS

I'm just kidding! I'm alone.

Ahh!

WHISPERS: We just got swatted, Alison.

Still can't believe it. Absolutely buzzing.

They weren't a SWAT team, Nicky.

They were just two cretins with some notebooks.

Meg, one of them had a pepper spray, and he was really quite rude.

Wh...? Alison, why do you look and smell amazing?

Because Jay is coming over.

So if we have anything gamey or weird to talk about,

could we possibly do it now? No, nothing, actually.

Oh, I am thinking of resetting my body clock to

Philippine Central time. Oh, yeah, he's doing that. Right.

And why is he doing that? Just for the weekend.

I fail to see the big deal, Alison. And, you know, this is troll wars.

I am at war with The Disciples.

DVT happens to live in Manila, ergo in order for me to grief him,

the optimal griefing experience, 5pm is now bedtime.

Brilliant, so that...

That's done, and there's no need to ever mention that ever again.

It's cool, Alison. You won't even see us, OK?

Because Endgame content is going live,

so we're hitting the Silkworm Server for a raid.

Again, Silkworm Server, it's just that sort of jargon that

it would be really great to just get out of the way now. Yep.

It's raiding time. We're talking giant PvE bosses in squads of four.

WHISPERS: Be still my quivering gonad.

Oof. Oh, it's so weird, isn't it,

how we're all in the dating pool now.

You and Jay, me and Daisy, Meg and tradesmen Greg.

Gah, it's funny how we're so the same.

Oh, hang on, are you going out with your one now?

Well, no, I'm not legally going out with her.

I don't know, but I am attempting to inveigle myself that way hence,

slip it under the radar, like the sale of some green belt land.

How is everything with your one?

Yeah, my one is fine, thank you, as far as I can tell. I hear that.

Cos who really knows what goes on in their minds.

They are like buffalo, aren't they? Totally unreadable.

Yeah, no, totally.

Did I tell you my one's staying in a condo in Salzburg

with three gay guys?

You did tell me that, yes, once just now

and I think previously on the 18th, 19th and 20th of March.

She's a New Zealander, but she's currently backpacking

extensively around Europe while she finishes her indie game.

It's a sideways scrolling platform

where you play as Frida Kahlo's prosthetic leg.

I think we're probably ready to nut, me and my one. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

So if you hear what sounds like nutting coming from my room,

then it's probably just me getting my nut with my one.

So weird, isn't it? It's like a competition, isn't it?

Who will nut first? Battle of the flatmates.

Yes, I don't think I want to be any part of that, but thank you.

All right. Massive glass of Squash, let's raid.

Shit on my dinner.

What the fuck is this now? Oh, my God. That's the queue.

That's the queue for the raid boss.

IT GROWLS

So hang on, we have to physically queue up just to kill him?

This is bullshit!

If I wanted to stand in line for three hours to have a fight,

I'd go to a fucking nightclub.

I would put on a pair of jeans with some rips in

and I would line up outside the Avenue Bar on Bridge Street

to have my face punched in by a man from Brixworth

with his top button done up! This game always lets me down.

It's like being in an abusive relationship,

but instead of being hit on the head with a saucepan

because I've been talking when Top Gear's on,

I just get endless shitty content.

In fact, you know what, I quit.

Meg, this is a timed exclusive.

We don't kill that panda tonight, we regret it the rest of our dumb,

fucking lives. Fine, then, Usman! Usman, who's this guy?

Relax, that's just Dr Larry. He's my therapist. Your therapist?

So here's the thing, it transpires my wife Zara

is very active on the subreddit Dead Bedrooms.

It's a forum for couples whose sex lives are in the toilet.

Cos apparently once every two months isn't quite enough

for little Miss greedy guts.

Anyway, as part of our circle of healing,

I agreed to attend a solo therapy session with Dr Larry.

You're there with him now? Oh, sure, I am in the lion's den.

Now, I can't remember if it was his idea or my idea to play

Kingdom Scrolls during the session... It was your idea, Usman.

Either way, here we are.

I said I'd show him around so he can figure out if I have a problem.

Spoiler alert, I'm about to line up for four hours

to shoot magic arrows at an endangered species.

Oo-oo-oh. He's writing that down.

MOCKINGLY: I guess Usman just said something incriminating.

Hey, Dr Larry, I hope you've got lots of paper,

cos there is plenty more where that came from.

Ugh! This is going to take hours.

DISTANT MOOING, AIR WOOSHES

UGH!

So, Nicky, I see they're still trolling you. Oh, very much so.

Ordering pizzas, sending taxis, the police,

and now they've started dropping cows on my head.

They've also started hitting me up with voice commands. No idea how.

ROBOTIC VOICE: You look like pancakes. You look like pancakes.

You look like pancakes... I mean, hats off.

It's incredibly effective cos even though I know

I don't look like pancakes, give it six solid hours and, uh, well...

You look like pancakes. ..a guy starts to wonder.

Hey, everyone! I bought a vanity pet!

It was 15 pounds and he doesn't do anything and I fucking love him.

Watch this.

Nah, I thought he do something, but he doesn't.

He doesn't do anything and I fucking love him.

Also I was getting a bit bored up here on my own.

Where are you, Russell?

Oh, it's hobby night, so Annette's asked me just

to wait in the bedroom. Why is that, then?

Cos in her spare time she likes to hunt paedophiles.

Yeah, she tracks predators online

and shames them on Facebook, bless her.

She's just having a Thai curry now texting some monster from Rotherham.

KNOCKS ON DOOR

Greg's here. I'm in a queue, Alison, for the raid boss.

So if you could just keep him busy for like four or five hours.

Five hours?!

How? I don't know, just give him the playing cards out of the drawer.

Fridge magnets. Yeah, let him play with the fridge magnets.

Can you just come, please? Fine! Honestly.

Wh...?

What are you doing? Schmuck bait for Greg. Schmuck bait?

Just car mags and nuts, keep him sweet while I queue.

Just a little distraction.

Sorry, you're laying bait for your boyfriend?

I'm being thoughtful, Alison.

Cars, they're his fucking favourite!

He drives one. Nuts, bloody loves them.

So while gobbling down on nuts, while reading about Toyotas, yeah,

ooh, what a nightmare.

I think he seems really nice. MEG SIGHS

You should open yourself up a bit, Meg. OK, Alison.

I have two objectives for this evening.

Number one, finish the raid. Number two, have romantic sex with Greg.

I want to slay the panda, but equally harvest the seed.

Now, I don't know how much you know about gender and feminism,

but women can have it all. The panda and the fucky-fucky-bang-bang.

But you need to line it up,

and that's all I'm doing right here with the car mags and the nuts.

I'm getting my ducks in a row so I can then either fuck them

or kill them.

Honestly, Meg, I just don't quite know where to put any of this.

Usman, hold my place in the queue. Just send him in.

That's Daisy! Switching to private chat. Daisy, hey!

Sorry, I'm just about to light up a pretty considerable spliff.

Oh, yeah, yeah, same here.

Just spliffing it up to the megamax.

By God's ankles, I am higher than a cat's back.

So I was thinking, uh, if it's not totally lame,

we could maybe have a picnic. If you'd care to spawn on me.

Oh, sandwiches! That's so fucking cool. Thank you.

I made them myself. Mm. They're really tasty.

And so anyway, Nicky, I've been thinking, and...

HONKING

Great, I see the trolls are back.

And he's wearing what appears to be a strap on bratwurst.

Just ignore them, they'll get bored eventually.

HONKING

Daisy, I'm really sorry.

I just feel like this is maybe ruining the whole vibe.

Nicky, it's fine. I'm fine with it. It's totally, totally fine.

HONKING

Actually, you know what, it is a bit weird.

So I'm probably just going to go. Daisy, wait! I'll come with you.

I just think I need to get away from all of this.

So, yeah. Bye, Nicky. HONKING

THEY CHEER

DISTANT MOOING, AIR WOOSHES

ROBOTIC VOICE: You look like pancakes. You look like pancakes.

You look like pancakes.

You look like pancakes.

Wow, you're reading that quickly? Huh?

I'm just saying, smashing through the mag.

You'll be finished in a second, if you're not careful.

You should slow down, really read all the words.

THEY CHUCKLE

Mm, really drinking down those nuts.

It's like you're not even chewing them. I'm absolutely chewing them.

Mm. You can't drink nuts.

Unless it's, like, a really runny peanut butter.

I've bit some of my nail off.

Oh, right.

Got any tissue?

Yeah, mate, in the tissue box!

Oh. No, Greg, I was joking. Why would I have a tissue box?

You can ask Alison, she'll get you some kitchen roll.

Kitchen roll is very much the Hulk to toilet paper's Bruce Banner.

That's what I always think.

Aw!

I'm going to go ask Alison. Yeah. Thanks, babe. Mm-hm.

EAGLE SCREECHES

Hey, Meg. You ever think maybe we play the game

because we're scared of letting people get too close?

Because I sometimes feel like I'm not sitting at my screen,

I'm hiding behind it.

Hm.

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Oh, my God, Dr Larry!

I can't believe you just fell for that.

I just faked you out, sucker!

Man, I'm totally winning at therapy!

It's like 18-0 Usman and we're not even at half-time.

So, where's your one then, Nicky? Oh, erm, she's gone.

Trolls finally drove her away.

DISTANT MOOING, AIR WHOOSHES

ROBOTIC VOICE: You look like pancakes. You look like pancakes.

Shame. Looks like Meg's going to nut first.

Because I'm like a sous chef in a sex kitchen

and I've got six pans on the boil.

Um, Nicky, your freaky masturbating associates are back.

I don't care anymore. What else could they do to me?

What the fuck? What just happened to my head?

I think they just glitch-fucked you, dude.

You've got the blockhead virus. Get away from me. Quarantine yourself.

I'm hideous. Don't look at me!

THEY LAUGH

MONKEY SCREECHES

No, they just glitch-fucked my monkey.

What have they done to you, little buddy?

Oh, well, looks like I need to buy another one.

Smash.

Smash, smash, smash, smash.

Annette, where's your credit card, babe?

SHE GASPS

Alison? Who the fuck are those children?

That's Isaac, that's Vivi and that is little Poppy Rose.

She is an absolute terror.

Yes, because Jay couldn't make it in the end because he's got five-aside.

So he said... Jay has children?

Yeah. Yes, yeah, yeah.

Jay has kids, which we're both totally thrilled about.

And is that new, is it, the kids? Or did we know about those?

It's relatively new information, yeah.

I mean, in the last sort of 40-50 minutes.

Is that normal, to find out about someone's children?

Perfectly normal, yes.

Yes, if you Google "secret children"

or even "my partner's mysterious children",

then you'll find literally hundreds of results.

Oh, well...

Well, as long as you're all right with it? Yeah, it's great.

Oh, I heard you gave tradesmen Greg a piece of kitchen roll.

Yes, I did, because his nail was bleeding.

His nail was bleeding? That guy!

What is going on with him lately?

Oh, he went home. No sex in the end.

Oh? Just couldn't find a way in. He's like a sealed tomb.

He's incredibly closed off emotionally,

which is annoying but, you know, handy in a way.

Right? Yeah, because it sounds bad but I don't mean it.

But the balance I'm trying to strike

is I want to extract the sex from him

without opening up the old feelings box.

PHONE VIBRATES Oh, my God.

Do me a favour, since you've got this whole creche thing going on,

would you babysit my phone?

What? Oh, go on. It's just Greg.

Erm, we're nearly at the front of the queue. You know,

I just need you to keep him sweet for a bit,

just pump him full of emoji. Get the kids to do it. Kids love images!

Hey, kids, who wants to pump some emojis? No, Meg.

Fine then, Alison, I'll do it myself.

Yeah, that should give him something to chew on.

Well, what are you texting him? Don't know. Emojis, isn't it?

Who really knows what they even mean?

The thing is, I do think he seems like quite a nice guy

and I really don't want you to screw this up.

Also, Meg, you've just done lots of fire engines and a pretzel.

Thanks, Alison! No!

OK, we're almost up.

And this better be worth it because I'm being billed 150 bucks an hour.

Usman, you're still in therapy?

The initial session ran out hours ago, so I paid for

the whole afternoon so I didn't have to miss my space in line.

Hey, Dr Larry, how about we settle this therapy like men?

A fight to the death.

I can't, Usman, because you refuse to show me the controls.

Oh, here's an insight - Dr Larry's a chicken shit.

Hm! Maybe I should make a note of that.

Erm, Meg?

Greg's back.

He came back? I don't know what happened.

This is good, he must be back for a bunk.

OK, Alison, you let him in, make a start.

And then I'll come in and take over

because I am horny but also next in line.

So, not this, but could you maybe take into the bathroom, tell him I'm

coming in and then turn the light off and start, you know,

jerking him off? Oh, my God! No.

OK, before you get up and all your high horse about this, OK,

no, I'm not talking about sexual assault... Sounds like you are.

Alison, Alison, I'm just talking about theoretically

just turning the spigot and releasing some of the pressure.

OK, Meg, I am trying to get those kids to go to bed

and Poppy fucking Rose just will not settle.

So, here's your phone. You're on your own.

Oh, my God. She never does anything for me.

Hi, Greg. Em, so good to see you again.

So, em, I actually need about 20 minutes, but then we can, you know.

So, em, there's a pack of playing cards in the second drawdown.

I think you was right. That's exactly how I feel.

In your messages.

Come on in.

What have you done to him? I texted him some emojis, like you asked.

And then we texted a bit more and then we kind of got into mum stuff.

You got into mum stuff with Greg?

I didn't even know he had a fucking mum, Alison!

I couldn't help it, OK, I was trying to help Isaac with his homework and

Vivi wouldn't eat her fucking peas and I think I just needed an outlet.

Oh, OK, so you thought you'd just, what,

reach into the pipes of my one and just start pissing around?

"Oh, I'll put this pipe over next to this pipe,

"and put the emotional valve into the mum valve"?

I was just trying to help. Well, you've cracked him open, Alison.

Tradesman Greg. Cracked him wide open.

Seeping his big, fat fucking emo yolk all over my carpet.

You've Humpty Dumpty'd him.

Guess what, Meg's going to have to go and clear it all up.

All the mess. All the feelings.

Maybe this is good?

I can't believe I'm going to say this... What? What about his mum?

Well, they never really got on.

Oh, shit. Oh, he doesn't

get on with his mum. No, I can't be dealing with that shit.

And she's really not very well. I mean, she's really quite poorly. Oh.

OK. Well, that's good then, isn't it, because they don't get on?

I mean, he still loves her. Oh, make your fucking mind up, Greg!

I'm sorry, mate, I never should have got involved.

SHE LAUGHS No shit!

Front of the line, Meg.

Red panda raid boss in three minutes and counting.

So, Greg...

I was thinking, maybe tonight we go big picture on the mum staff

and then tomorrow maybe crack a Magners

and really get into the weeds?

We don't have to talk, we could just...

We could just cuddle. SHE CHUCKLES

Right.

OK, yeah, a quick cuddle then.

A quick three minute cuddle.

Meg, we're up. It's raiding time.

IT ROARS

Meg? Meg?

Em...

I'm really, really sorry, Greg, I'm just going to have to slide...

Just going to have to slide out, sorry. Sorry, Greg. Just...

GREG SIGHS

Stupid...

Hey.

Fuck! She just bailed. We'll get smashed!

There's only two of us and I'm fucking useless.

Dr Larry, you're up.

I don't know how, Usman.

Listen, I came here today

to talk about my intimacy issues and to conquer my demons.

How about we conquer a large panda instead?

No, Daisy, get back.

I've got blockhead virus. I might be infectious.

I know, and guess what?

Oh, my God. Daisy.

At least we can be together now.

In here, alone, where no-one else can see.

Because I was going to say, Nicky,

would you be into, like,

laying down and stuff?

OK, then.

Is this OK, Nicky? It's more than OK. It's, em...

SENSUAL MOANING

THEY GIGGLE

Oh, crumbs! Oh, crumpets! Wow!

Crumbs. OK!

Crumbs. Yup!

Oh!

SENSUAL MOANING

HE GULPS

Russell, stay loose. I'll tech.

OK, Dr Larry, when I say, hit right trigger, A.

IT ROARS

IT GROWLS

Usman, mate, I think he's going to kill you.

Usman, my professional advice is that you should fall back.

Now, Dr Larry. Right trigger, A.

Yes, we did it, bud! Holy shit, we did it!

How does this feel, Usman?

I don't know. Safe?

And how would you feel about going home and holding Zara like this?

OK, I guess.

So I'll divide the loot up

when I get home and deposit the gold

and the armour into your inventory.

Good day.

HE LAUGHS

It looks like he's jerking off!

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# 3, 2, 1. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media