Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

What are you doing?

It's as hot as a pizza oven in here.

Why do we have so much glass?

Is this a gas station or a grow-op?

Are you listening to me?

Not really.

If you want me to focus,

don't say the word "pizza."

I hear "pizza," and my mind starts to...

Yeah, there it goes.

This is ridiculous!

27 windows, and none of them open!

27's a bit of an exaggeration.

There's only--

Holy crap, 27 windows!

Well, you know what they say,

when God closes 20 or 30 windows,

he opens a door.

Or you could open a door.

The door air wafts right over the pumps.

It's like a diesel-scented air freshener.

Well, you know what they say,

the devil's in the diesel.

So use the fan.

Problem solved.

Great.

Blow hot air in my face.

Now it's a convection pizza oven.

Here I go.

[glass smashing] Oops!

Ah...

Hey!

You broke that on purpose!

Well, you know what they say...

move your ass, you're blocking my breeze.

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby you're so wrong ♪

[♪♪♪]

-Four? -No.

-Five? -Nope.

-Six? -No.

I can't believe you haven't seen

any of the "Quick and Angry" movies!

-Seven? -No.

Unless...

Which one was Judi Dench in?

None.

That's the one I saw.

I wish Quick and Angry 9

was showing on a big screen somewhere.

Grimm Petrol drives into a pyramid

to steal King Tut's esophagus,

but his car gets possessed,

and then repossessed.

You're sure Judi Dench isn't in this?

Yeah, pretty sure.

Oops.

You cut it 9 x 12

instead of 12 x 9.

Better go get a new one.

[chuckles] I thought this might happen.

So I brought a 9 x 12

and a 12 x 9.

Amazing.

You're so stupid,

you almost circle back to clever.

[laughs]

[♪♪♪]

I can't believe you washed the car.

I even did the inside.

Put a faux treatment on the faux leather.

Mm.

There's something about a clean car that I find so...

sexy.

Holy Hanna Barbera!

You should watch a Quick and Angry with me.

That'd be a quick way to make me angry.

[car approaching]

Do you know you have a broken window?

We're talking through it,

so... yes.

May as well pay for gas while we're here.

Oh, and give me a scratch and win ticket

and some breath mints.

Paying at the window reminds me of the old days

at the drive-in.

I think you mean "drive-through"?

Drive-in,

drive-through, drive-by.

All I know is

we had some good times in the back seat,

eh, Emma?

Clean car, drive-in memories.

Gimme a kiss.

[smooching]

Okay, have a mint,

and then gimme a kiss,

you sexy old fox.

Aah!

Could you and fox-breath

play tonsil hockey somewhere else?

You're fouling up my fresh air.

A drive-in, eh?

[♪♪♪]

I'll bring that right out.

Oh!

Sorry, Brent, are you okay?

Am I okay?

Wow.

She bounced off Brent like a twig off an elephant.

Brent doesn't weigh 4,000 pounds.

[scoffing]

Probably not even close to that.

I wonder what he does weigh?

I'd say he's mid 200s, max.

Depends on his density.

What's he made out of?

Hey, enough with the fat-shaming!

Unbelievable.

Sure, Brent's a little pudgy.

Sure, he jiggles when he laughs,

or when he's completely still

and a truck drives by,

but people should be judged for who they are,

not what they weigh.

It's not a crime to be fat.

Shame on you!

We didn't say he was fat.

We were just wondering how much he weighs.

They're right.

In fact, you're the only one who used the word "fat."

Twice.

And then you said "shame."

You're the one who's fat-shaming.

I, uh...

Uh, sorry to interrupt.

Hey, everybody, look! It's... it's Hank!

Wait a minute.

Why aren't you at the gas station

fixing the window?

Oh, uh, bit of a setback.

In Quick and Angry 6,

Grimm is hypnotized,

and every time he hears the word "wind chimes,"

he turns into a fighting machine.

[shouting battle cries]

[glass shatters]

Oops.

What did I say about gesturing wildly

while spoiling movies?

I don't spoil movies!

I enhance them

by telling you what happens next.

Yeah, you're like descriptive video

played backwards.

Wait, did that make sense?

Sounded like a joke.

Anyway, Oscar and Emma were smooching

and talking about the drive-in,

and then it hit me,

we should do a drive-in movie night.

We could hang sheets on the garage

right here in the parking lot.

If Mom and Dad were getting all lovey-dovey

talking about it,

then it's a bad idea.

I think a movie night

would be great for the town.

Besides,

look how cute Oscar and Emma are.

[smooching]

Ew!

Where's a water hose?

Word in the john is

Hank's organizing a drive-in movie.

I've heard of those.

Aren't they like a rave?

Or a speakeasy?

More like a fight club with cars.

Drive-ins are a parking lot of crime

under the guise of family entertainment.

A pressure cooker of sex, drugs, alcohol.

Carbs.

Sounds awesome.

Awesome?

Do you not notice how boring our jobs are?

We spent yesterday

trying to catch a mouse in the equipment room.

And we will track that rat bastard

to the ends of the earth.

Mouse bastard.

So about this drive-in,

is there gun-play?

What's the big deal about a drive-in movie?

I'll think about it.

In the meantime, fix my window.

I told you, I broke the glass.

What about the backup piece?

--and every time he hears the word "wind chimes,"

he turns into a fighting machine.

[shouting battle cries]

[glass shatters]

Oops.

Maybe I can make that back-up piece fit.

Where did I put it?

Here it is.

Wind chimes!

-Hai! Oh-- -[smashes glass]

You broke the window again?

I just yelled a word.

Dorkus went all Judi Dench on the window.

Judi Dench?

So, about the drive-in?

Fine, you can have your movie night.

Wanda! We get a movie night!

Oh, Wanda's not going.

She's going to be here,

selling snacks

through her breezy drive-through window.

That's not fair.

Life isn't fair.

"Wind chimes."

-Hai! -Ouch! Hey!

What? I just yelled a word.

I told your parents about drive-in night,

and they were so excited,

they couldn't keep their hands off each other.

Eugh, I forgot about them.

[fondly] Yeah.

I wonder how much of the movie

they're gonna watch.

I hope they stretch first.

Okay, gross.

They better take precautions,

or you could end up with a little sister or brother.

I get what you're doing.

You're trying to kill my appetite.

This is all part of your fat-shaming.

I am not fat-shaming.

You want lunch?

I'll bring you a chili cheese dog.

Oh, so you just assume fatty wants a hotdog.

[groans] You have one every day?

Sometimes two?

Fine.

You want the special?

It's a Cobb salad.

Sure, because fatty's fat, he should eat a salad.

[groaning]

Since you're all here.

I think now would be a good time

to decide on a movie for drive-in night.

I vote for something romantic.

Nope. Veto that.

Or steamy.

And that.

Anything with Julia Roberts in it.

Oh, sure,

pick the actress with zero body fat.

Like there's only one actress

with zero body fat.

Okay, I've heard all your suggestions.

Unfortunately,

I only have nine movies that play on my Blu-ray system.

Let me guess,

The Quick and Angry... 1 through 9.

[groaning]

Why did you make us go through all that

if you only have nine movies?

So you'd feel like you're involved.

Hank, just pick a movie,

before my parents forget they're in public.

[giggling and smooching]

Quick and Angry 4.

The car chase on the Staten Island Ferry

is insane.

You just spoiled...

Pick again!

Fine.

Quick and Angry 5.

I won't even tell you

which of the Stallone brothers makes a cameo.

[everyone groans]

Not one request for a cop movie.

They can't even agree on a movie.

This town is a powder keg.

Gimme another drink, Phil.

Are you sure?

Alcohol slows the metabolism,

and word in the john is

you're concerned about your weight.

Oh, that?

I'm just messing with Lacey.

I'm fat-shame-shaming her.

You know she's right behind you.

[laughs] Ah!

Good one.

Had me going there.

I noticed

that you don't have the calories displayed

for your meal items.

Way to make it easy on us plus-sized individuals.

Oh, you don't have to worry about the calories.

I've already made a special breakfast for you.

I call it "Jerky Brent's Fatty-Fat Tubby Breakfast."

I heard what you said to Phil

at the bar last night.

Making fun of me for wanting to protect you.

I was just having a little fun

because you were more concerned about my weight

than I was.

So you're not concerned at all?

I don't even have a scale.

Everyone should know how much they weigh,

for health reasons.

I imagine my weight hasn't changed much

since high school.

Probably around 190.

Um, hmm... really?

Yeah.

Look, if you're so curious,

we can go use your scale.

I don't have a scale.

Oh, sure, fatty should have a scale,

but Little Miss--

I know where the most accurate scale in town is.

Also, do you mind if we come along?

We have a small wager going.

Well, if it isn't

my wonderful, amazing son.

Well, that's the sound a red flag makes.

What's up, Dad?

I was just wondering

if I could borrow your car.

Something wrong with yours?

No.

I'm taking your mother to the drive-in,

and I want to impress her with a hot car.

[giggles]

Stoke the fires.

Aw, that's sweet.

To pay you back,

I'll wash it and clean the interior.

Aw, that's gross.

No!

A clean car also gets her motor running.

I'm not giving you my car,

and leave Mom's motor alone.

Let's go, Lacey,

before I throw up my breakfast sundae.

[grunting]

There.

All packed.

All right.

Enjoy your vacation.

Vaca--

This is riot gear!

Batons, stun guns, flak jackets?

Everything we need

to control the perimeter of the drive-in.

I even watched Escape from New York

to get the juices flowing.

A grain elevator scale?

It's the most accurate scale in town.

Ike just weighed your car.

Now I'll get in, and they'll weigh it again.

Then they'll subtract the weight of the car,

and voilà--

190 pounds.

Hopefully this will satisfy you all,

and stop the endless fat-shaming from Lacey.

[quietly] Just messin' with ya.

[quietly] You wanna mess with me?

I'll mess with you right back.

Brent lent you his car?

Even better.

I stole it.

Oscar, you bad boy.

Tell me more.

I'm not wearing underwear.

Tell me less.

Lacey's car weighs 3,310 pounds.

With Brent in it, it weighs 3,553.

According to my calculator--

I know, 190.

--240 pounds.

[murmurs from group]

Whoo-hoo!

Nailed it.

What? That can't be right.

But you're okay with that, right?

You said yourself

you're not concerned about your weight.

I'm-I'm not!

Just... you know,

maybe run those numbers again.

You know how wrong calculators can be.

Aw, I did make a mistake.

You weigh 243.

[crowd groaning] Oh...

Whoo-hoo!

Dammit!

I bet it was the breakfast sundae.

[♪♪♪]

Notice anything?

You smell?

Wait, why can I smell you?

Where's my fresh air?

You fixed my window?

You son of a--

Before you go all psycho bananas,

I have something to show you.

I set up a table

so you can sell snacks and watch the movie.

Oh.

Thank you.

I couldn't let you miss it,

especially the part where Grimm--

Thank you and shut up!

[♪♪♪]

We're early.

What do we do now?

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Cat nap?

You got it, sugar lips.

[both snoring]

[♪♪♪]

Can I uncross my arms?

My hands are falling asleep.

It's important to establish dominance.

Do you smell that?

Popcorn?

No.

Tension.

But also popcorn.

Let's get some popcorn.

It's hard to establish dominance

when you're eating popcorn.

Cut it out, rookie.

This parking lot is our battlefield.

These families,

our foes.

They look pretty harmless to me.

Darkness changes everything.

Danger lurks every--

[gagging and coughing]

Ow!

You're slapping too hard.

Won, have you seen Brent?

I've been texting, and he's not responding.

[chuckles] Consider yourself lucky.

He's in a real foul mood.

I hope he's not upset about the weigh-in.

Weigh-in?

That would explain a lot.

This is our celebrity diet section.

You have your Avril Lavigne Cuisines.

Drake's Flakes Breakfast Bowl.

Andrea Martin Heart-Smarten meals.

Why are you showing me the diet section?

It's because I'm fat, isn't it?

You asked me to!

Yeah, because I'm fat, Won!

Oh... that's not good.

[♪♪♪]

I'm telling you,

you're gonna flip when you see this movie.

[chuckles] Not likely.

It's nice what you did here,

but smash 'em-up movies aren't really my thing.

Not a lot of character development.

I dunno,

it showed a lot of character

when Grimm drove backwards on two wheels

through that emergency room

to get his girlfriend's arm sewn back on.

Oops, sorry, I'm spoiling it again.

Can't spoil it if I don't care.

I'm just happy to be outside.

We'll see.

Showtime.

[knocking]

Oh, there you are.

I lost you at the weigh-in.

Lanny kept hugging me.

I walked home,

which I guess is a good thing,

since I could stand to lose a few pounds.

What are you drinking?

It's a diet drink.

Andrea Martin Heart-Smarten Protein Cola.

The commercials are kinda catchy.

♪ Well, fame is terrific ♪

♪ I won't sneeze at wealth ♪

♪ But nothing else matters ♪

♪ If you don't have your health ♪

♪ It's all about balance ♪

♪ And it's not what you weigh ♪

♪ Try an Andrea Martin Heart-Smarten ♪

♪ Full meal in a can ♪

♪ Today! ♪

[groans] Ugh, that's terrible!

That last line has about 11 syllables too many,

and come on,

"I won't sneeze at wealth"?

Who wrote this, Zero Mostel's grandmother?

I have something to confess.

I decided to mess with you,

and I placed a bag of grain on the scale

when you were getting weighed.

So I'm not 240 pounds?

It's 243,

and no.

So can we please stop messing with each other?

Come to the drive-in with me.

You bet.

Just let me finish my drink.

These are expensive.

Andrea Martin must make a killing off this stuff.

Okay, 800, 850, 900, 950...

Wait, hang on,

why are these $50 bills red?

Wait, am I being paid in Canadian money?

Seriously?

Ugh, this day just gets better and better.

Get those sand horses out of the way!

[firing gun]

[gunfire]

[yelping] We're under attack!

[chuckles]

The movie...

It's already started.

Oh.

All righty, then.

I'll go get some snacks.

Actually, I have something else in mind.

Wipe the drool off your chin and come here,

you dozy dreamboat.

[smooching and giggling]

I want candy and popcorn.

You can't have both.

But I want both!

Hey, Grade School,

take it down a notch.

You want candy and popcorn?

I want three weeks vacation!

Not gonna happen.

My advice?

Avoid the candy.

Because...

the last thing you want is a sugar high

when all hell breaks loose.

Excuse us.

There's a storm a-comin'!

Y'all best be on the right side

when it hits!

You wanna dial it back there a little?

You promised me action!

Relax.

It'll come.

Not that I care,

but if I was Grimm,

I wouldn't trust the guy with the eyepatch.

He just--

Don't get in the car, Grimm!

He cut your brake line!

This movie is cheap Hollywood trash.

How much for popcorn and a drink?

Huh? Eight bucks.

Can you change a ten?

Does no one have exact change?

[Grimm]: My word is my bond.

What happened? Grimm invested in bonds?

No, no.

He agreed to escort the drug lord's daughter

out of the country,

even though he knows there's an ambush waiting

at the border.

He knows about the ambush?

Good!

...is what someone might say if they cared.

Okay, what happened

while you were telling me what happened?

How much for the gummy chews?

Honor system!

This is just as boring as any other night.

Oh, there's trouble afoot

if you dig a little deeper.

Follow me.

Evening, folks.

Noticed you handing something back and forth between cars.

Nothing illegal, I hope.

Like drugs?

We're sharing jelly beans.

Oh.

These cars are parked a little too close for comfort.

Ravi, is Won crowding you?

Actually, I am getting a little irritated.

See, Karen? Powder keg.

You're distracting us from the movie.

And Karen's blocking the screen.

Ah, you're in a better mood.

I am,

now that I know I'm actually 190 pounds.

Well, I didn't say you were 190. [chuckles]

The grain bag on the scale

definitely didn't weigh 53 pounds.

20, tops.

So I weigh...

223 pounds?!

Why would you tell me that?

I'm sorry.

Look, it's probably just water weight

from all the sodium in that protein pop.

Maybe.

I did drink five of them.

There you go.

Mind you, you didn't drink those

until after the weigh-in.

Wow, you are terrible at consoling people.

I think I'll go for a walk.

Brent, wait!

Grimm, wait!

Who moved my car?

[♪♪♪]

[springs squeak]

Here comes the big moment.

[dramatic movie soundtrack plays]

[gasping]

[♪♪♪]

[gasping]

[gasping]

[♪♪♪]

-[smooching and moaning] -Hey, who's in my--

[screams]

[screaming]

[screams]

My eyes!

My eyes!

Oh, grow up.

[♪♪♪]

[movie stops abruptly]

[honking horns, shouts of outrage]

What the hell happened?

[horns blaring] -Where is the movie?

-[angry shouting] -This isn't funny, Hank!

I want my money back!

You didn't pay anything!

Then we want free snacks.

Hey! You can't have those!

No? Well, we can throw 'em!

[angry shouting]

[grunting]

The spark...

[nervously] Let's get the hell outta here.

It's Pelly time!

Brent! What happened?

Parents... embracing.

Limbs entwined like snakes.

[crowd shouting in outrage]

Officer Kick-Ass at your service.

I hate bottled water!

Put that back!

Wind chimes!

[grunting] Ho!

-Ha-- -Whoa!

Ha! That'll teach you to--

[taser crackles, Wanda groans]

[together]: Oops.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

It's amazing how some people change

when there's a crisis.

Phew, you think you know people.

Yeah.

You think you know people.

[Brent clears throat]

Um, I feel bad

that things got a little crazy last night,

and I think an apology is owed to everyone.

Lacey?

Me?

Why should I apologize?

You started this all with the fat-shaming.

If that hadn't happened,

I wouldn't have been upset, gone to my car,

and seen that-which-will- never-be-mentioned-again,

which made me wreck the projector.

Why are you freaking out?

We were fully clothed.

I saw part of your bra strap.

Look, everyone just wants to know

how the movie ends.

I mean, I don't,

but these sheep.

Oh, well, that's easy.

We can watch it on the screen at the bar.

Yes!

Now we-- They can find out--

if Grimm survives going over the cliff.

He's not even in the car.

He jumped at the last minute,

punched out the body guard,

and escaped to Fiji

with the drug lord's daughter.

Oh.

Did I do it again?

[everyone shouting in outrage]

It's Pelly time!

[♪♪♪]

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ The same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just... don't know ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Full of nothin' but space ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ And it's my happy place ♪

♪ I don't know ♪♪