Original subtitles

[siren wailing]

[dramatic chase music plays]

Freeze!

I mean, stay.

Boy, that GPS tracking tag we put his collar

really works.

That's a good boy.

Thanks.

I was talking to the dog.

Come on, Hunter. Let's get you home.

Wanna go for a ride, buddy?

Sure. Where are we going?

Nope, still the dog.

♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby you're so wrong ♪

[♪♪♪]

[Emma chuckling]

[cat yowls]

[laughing]

So scaring the kittywith vegetables

is your ideaof a good time?

Why is the cat afraid of a cucumber?

Kale is far more terrifying.

Where do you findthis stuff, Mom?

Mew Tube.

The only place to find all the cute cat videos.

Yeah, 'cause cat videosare a real rarity

on the Internet.

It's just harmless good fun.

If you want good fun, it needs to be harmful.

The funniest videos online

are dudes getting sacked in the 'nads.

Timeless classic.

There's an entire website

dedicated to it

called "Hard in the Nards."

Mom, maybe don't Google"Hard" or "Nards."

People getting hurt isn't funny.

It's just plain stupid.

Well, stupid'swhere it's at online.

Here, let meshow you one

that's the bestof both worlds.

It's a video of a cat

clamped ontoa guy's crotch.

[beeping]

Uh-oh.

[humming happily]

Aah! Where did you all--

This is an outrage!

I'm in a Facebook flame war.

Interrupting my sexy chats!

Whoa, whoa.

Can someone rational please explain what's going on?

I don't know where you think you--

I said "someone rational."

You'll have to do.

This massive,

but not out-of-character, overreaction

is because the WiFi is down.

You need to rebootyour router.

Ah.

Okay, that sounds reasonable.

WiFi should be back up in a jiffy.

Aah!

My god.

What else happens in this town when my back is turned?

Don't ask questions

you don't want the answers to.

Why is everyone so upset about my WiFi being down?

They didn't even stick around to use it.

Oh, uh, we don't have to be here

to use your WiFi.

You don't?

Where does it reach?

Main Street, bar,my bathroom.

Kinda weak in my basement.

My WiFi can't travel that far.

[chuckles] No, no.

That's why we installed the signal booster.

The what?

You mean I'm paying for the entire town's WiFi?

We paid for the signal booster!

And everyone knows about this?

Everyone but you, apparently.

We thought you were okay with this.

Yeah.

Why are you shocked

that people are usingyour open WiFi?

Brace yourself:

they use your ketchupand napkins too.

Yeah, when they're here.

These are free things for paying customers.

We are customers.

Just sometimes,we're customers at home.

Yeah, we're not all married to our careers.

[laughing]

If I turn around again, will you all disappear?

[♪♪♪]

I promise this won't happen again.

You're right.

That GPS tag made ita real time-saver.

Just think,

if we tagged everyone in town,

we'd always know where everyone was.

That would make our job way easier.

Except that would bea highly illegal

and massiveinvasion of privacy.

Oh. Right,

but consider this:

I assumed you'd be on board,

and I've done it already.

[man screaming] Ah! Aah! Oh! Aah!

[laughing]

It's not even a cute cat.

Or a cute crotch,

but look at how manyviews it's gotten.

I just don't see what the point is.

The point is,

sometimes you can makea lot of money

and get famous froma single dumb video.

You can?

Ready to go?

Let's get our stupid on.

[door closes] -Hmm....

Time to make a wish.

[inhaling deeply]

[coughing and gagging]

[chuckles deviously]

Hmm...

[♪♪♪]

[chuckles]

Watching you with technology

is more entertaining

than these videos I'm enjoying...

for free...

on your open WiFi.

Enjoy it while you can,

'cause I'm putting a password on this thing.

As soon as I find its keyboard.

Great,

looks like I'll just have enough time to watch

the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy.

[clanging and banging]

The director's cut.

How on earth

did you manage to tagso many people?

I gave them friendship bracelets.

The GPS tags are in the charm.

If they're friendship bracelets,

why didn't you give me one?

You're a work friend.

Don't make this weird.

You can't track peoplewithout them knowing.

This is really,really, really illegal.

If it helps the police, how illegal can it be?

I said three "reallies."

When we're in the car,

we have the right to surveil people.

What's the difference

doing it from the comfort of our desks

using technology in way that it wasn't intended?

Because it's--

Hang on.

That's Rheena, Michelle, and Mavis.

At Rheena's.

What are they up to?

Maybe they're a girl gang.

That's everyonefrom book club.

They said it wascancelled this week.

Probably discussing"Let's Get Together

and Back-Stab Our Friend."

[scoffs] Yech,

that's a terrible title.

[♪♪♪]

Just think,

we could become hugeInternet celebrities.

I could be bigger thanthat epic mealtime guy!

[chuckles eagerly]

I'm comin' after your viewers, Harley!

Who the hell is Hank Yarbo,

and how is he stealing all my viewers?

[heavy thud, Hank yelps]

Whoa...

He took that puck in the nuts like a champ.

I'm inspired.

Hey, guys!

We're making a giant burrito.

It'll be a hockey bag full of pucks and nuts,

covered in gravy.

I'm calling it... the Yarbo.

Hey!

I was still musing!

It's my turn.

I'm going to be bigger

than vlogging sensation Casey Neistat.

[dream harp trills]

Ah, I can't concentrate, I'm too excited.

Okay, let's do this.

Spread your legs,

and pretend I'm not aiming for your crotch.

Hang on.

Why are we wingin' the puck at my junk?

How am I going to wing a puck at my own junk?

Yeah, I guess you got a point.

It's just physics, buddy.

[groans in exasperation]

Does anyone in here know how to put a stupid password

into a stupid router?

With no stringsattached?

And that would benefit us how?

[groans] Fine.

What are your strings?

One string, very reasonable.

[everyone grumbling angrily]

Hey! The WiFi is locked.

Is it?

Huh.

I'm online.

Oh, that's right.

I'm the only one who has the password.

I and I alone have access to the World Wide Web.

[evil laughter]

I have it too.

Well, of course you--

Geez, I was having a friggin' moment over here.

[♪♪♪]

[tracker beeps]

Unbelievable.

Michelle said she wasgoing to the city

to buy a romper,

but according to this,she stayed home.

Huh, probably just seweda shirt to her shorts.

Here you go, guys.

Hey!

Are you on my WiFi?

How did you crack the password?

Ease up on the paranoiathere, Mr. Robot.

We don't need WiFi.

This tracking systemworks on GPS.

What are you tracking?

People.

Davis!

Whoops! Don't tell anyone.

Legal reasons.

Wait, are you tracking me?

No, I wouldn't do that to a friend.

Here, have a friendship bracelet.

Aww, that's sweet.

Hey, since we're friends,

what's the WiFi password?

Nice try.

"N-I-C-E-- Hmm...

[tracker beeps]

That's odd.

According to Zeke's tracker,

he's been in that dumpster for hours.

Hmm. He's usually only in there

20 minutes, tops.

You betterinvestigate that.

I'll stay here

and keep track ofMichelle's web of lies.

I'm on it.

And let Lacey know

her password doesn't work.

[♪♪♪]

Hey, Lacey,

I'm putting together a film crew

to shoot a viral video of Oscar.

Do you know anyone with a movie camera,

and some lights?

Probably going to need one of those best boys

I keep hearing about.

Oh, sure, I canget you all that.

Plus a crane jib,

and James Cameronto direct.

No, no, I'll be directing.

You don't need all that.

You can just shoot a video with your phone.

I can?

Movie camera andegg timer?

This is one hell of a rig.

Your fluffy cousin tried to kill me!

This is payback!

H'yah! Tell your friends!

Oscar, can you come here?

The old "step-on-a-rake, smack-in-the-puss" routine.

Come on, stupid.

Find your mark.

Oh.

Well, this could hurt someone.

[muttering] Dammit.

You left the rake on the--

Whoa!

Dammit!

[clang]

Dammit!

[♪♪♪]

Huh? Oh-- Oh!

Hmm...

Something's off.

Are you wearing a cup?

No.

[knock knock]

Who's there?

Okay, I'm wearing a cup.

I might have kids someday.

I don't want them coming out dented.

You wantto go viral or not?

Okay, let me explain the concept of a nut shot.

I provide the shot,

and you provide the rest.

Wouldn't a shot to the noggin

be just as entertaining?

[clangs] Ah!

Nope.

[laughing and snorting]

Oh man!

I can't believe how long that cat stays clamped

on this guy's crotch.

Hang in there, kitty!

You got WiFi?

Wanna set upa hotspot for me?

Not as much as I wanna tell you to get stuffed.

The information highway's a lot faster

without all you Winnebagos

clogging it up.

Beat it.

[scoffs]

Ah, should have gotten her to pay for those chips.

Ah, well.

Whoa-ho!

That cat's still latched on there.

Whew! How much longer does this--

Eight more minutes?

[♪♪♪]

Anything to eat today?

What's the point of going out for lunch

if you can't post pictures of your food online?

You could talk to your wife.

We have beentalking.

About how there'sno free WiFi.

Hmm, well, maybe if you both ordered burgers and fries,

and dessert,

and tipped 20%,

I could do a little something for you.

Intriguing.

[whispers] Could you alsogive me the password?

That's what I meant.

What did you think

the "little something" was?

Yeah, Won.

What did you think?

Don't share this with anyone,

or I'll have to change the password.

Like you know how to change the password.

[quietly]Okay, we promise.

Hmm.

[♪♪♪]

Turns out Zeke's not dead in a dumpster,

but my heart is.

You should notify his next of kin.

I said he's not--

Are you listening to me?

Zeke threw my friendship bracelet in the garbage.

Maybe he's not into jewelry

that looks like it was made by a seven-year old girl.

I don't know about this tracking thing.

Are you kidding me?

You're a geniusfor coming up with this.

See?

Looks great on me.

Brings out the colour of my wrist.

I don't know.

It doesn't feel like it's paying off.

[tracker beeping]

Uh-oh.

Rheena's aboutto park illegally.

You couldwrite the ticket

on the wayto give it to her.

That would give me timeto make a new bracelet for Zeke,

with more masculine colours.

Go get 'em, tiger!

[bushes rustling]

[chuckling]

That's it.

Say good night, Gilligan.

This'll be gold.

[grumbling nervously]

Oh, whoa--

[sighs] There we go.

Seriously?

When has any human ever gotten in a hammock without--

[groans]

Grr...

[bonk] Ow!

[♪♪♪]

Psst! Here's the password.

No sharesies.

[grunting and straining]

Ugh, dammit, woman!

Why bring me lemonade if I can't reach it?

Wait until he finds out it's not lemonade.

Stalking anyone in particular, Mom?

You scaredthe bejesus out of me.

Quit being so sneaky.

Says the woman crouched in a shrub.

[Oscar yells]

Do you know how longI've been in here

trying to geta video of Oscar

falling out ofthat hammock?

Oh, sorry I interrupted.

That would have been... hilarious.

[breathlessly]Mom's got a ringer.

Dad.

It's only a matter of time

before she getsa video of him

doing something stupid.

If her video goes viralbefore ours,

I'll never hearthe end of it.

We've gotto ratchet this up.

Did you run all the way here?

No, I drove,

but you've gota long driveway.

Whew.

[♪♪♪]

[tracker beeping]

I see you leaving that bakery, Michelle.

Gluten-free, my ass.

[door opens]

Well, that was a waste of time.

Didn't yougive Rheena a ticket?

I tried,

but she hadn't parked yet,

and said I couldn't give her a ticket

for thinking about doing a crime.

Then we spent half an hour

arguing the plausibility of Minority Report.

It didn't save me any time,

and Rheena's extra mad at me.

This GPS thing sucks.

I'm shutting it down.

No!

I finally know what everyone is up to.

Not everyone,

because not everyone in town has a bracelet.

What?

Who doesn't havea bracelet,

and whatare they doing?

You need to buymore tracking tags.

Forget it.

The power's gone to your head.

Also, it's too much work.

Oh, you're right.

Ugh, can't believe how sucked into this technology

I got.

Give me the car keys.

Why?

I need to get awayfrom the screen.

Clear my head,

maybe take a nap.

[groans]

What the--

What's with the endless buffering?

Are you online?

How'd you get the password?

What are you, CSIS?

What's CSIS?

That's just what someone in CSIS would say.

All you have to do

is order a lot of food,

and Lacey will give you the password.

But don't tell anyone.

Tell no one.

What's a gal gotta do

to monopolize the Internet around here?

Merge with Time Warner?

[sighs]

[tracker beeps]

Huh? Hunter?

I am not chasing that dog again.

[tracker beeping]

Don't...

Don't you...

Don't even...

[tracker beeps]

Oh, great.

Now I have to give Helen a ticket

for not picking up after her stupid dog.

This program's killing me.

[tracker beeping]

Why is Zeke the highway?

Wait.

Karen has Zeke's bracelet.

Where is she going?

[♪♪♪]

So... Frodo is about to throw the ring

into the river of fire,

when he changes his mind and keeps it,

and that sense of betrayal Samwise felt

is not unlike what's burning in my chest right now!

Aw, are you talkingabout the Godfather?

No, that's Fredo!

But there's also betrayal in the Godfather,

so let's go with that.

Bottom line,

you gave up the password.

You Fredoed me.

Aw, I'm sorry.

It only seemed fair to make people order food

since I'm the only one paying for WiFi.

Well, I'm going to change the password,

and I'm not telling anyone what it is,

including you, Frodo.

Uh, Fredo.

Where did we leave off with this?

You can't just shut meout of my own WiFi.

[tapping]

Oops, just did,

and you're never going to guess the password.

Is it"Lacey betrayed me?"

[tapping] Not anymore.

[♪♪♪]

So, you want me to jump off the ladder onto a ball,

bounce onto the skateboard,

roll through a hoop of fire,

and smash crotch-first into a teeter-totter?

Yeah, but make it look natural.

I don't think hula hoops burst into flames naturally.

You're overthinking.

You're too aware of what's...

Hold on, that's the problem.

It's also the solution.

[snoring]

[chuckling deviously]

Hey, Dad!

[snorts awake] What?

How's it going with that prank video

Mom's shooting of you that you're now totally aware of?

You son of a bitch.

Hey, don't talk aboutmy mom like that.

[♪♪♪]

You're trying to make me look stupid?

You always look stupid.

I just want to share you with the world.

How many views

does an old man yellingusually get?

Depends if that hand-in-the-water trick works,

and he wets himself.

Who wet himself?

And why am I getting a manicure?

We had an agreement.

We order too much food,

and you give us free WiFi.

Well, you had free WiFi,

and you got a delicious meal,

so everyone should be happy!

We're not.

You owe us WiFi.

Lacey stoleour WiFi!

-Give us our WiFi back. -Yeah!

You've been stealing my Internet for years.

This is all because of that stupid signal booster.

I should go smash it.

Yeah,

but you don't know where it is.

Oh, don't I?

I'm going there right now

to smash it into a million pieces.

If you want to stop me,

you're going to have to get there first.

[muttering]

She's bluffing.

Or is she?

Are you calling my bluff on the bluffing?

[♪♪♪]

Film all you want.

I'm not gonna be the star of your dumb thing.

The competition is out.

Hank, go run 'nad-first into that tree!

What? We talkedabout this.

I'm too aware.

Then close your eyes and run into the tree.

Forget it!I'm out too.

So...

You went and boughtmore tags

to track the restof the town, huh?

What? No!

Aw, man!

Have you been tracking me this entire time?

That is not a friendly way

to dispose ofa friendship bracelet.

Did you see everywhere I went?

If you're asking

if I know that you went to a laser hair removal place,

then no.

Okay, wow.

This really is an invasion of privacy.

Experiment over.

Oh, thank god.

Friends again?

Work friends.

Good enough.

Then, as your friend,I have to say,

laser hair removal?

Why?

You can barely seeyour mustache.

This is the longest you've gone

without being an idiot, Oscar.

Knock it off!

Come on, Hank.

Just follow your naturaldoofus instinct.

I don't have to take this.

The verbal abuse, the physical abuse.

If you want to film something,

film me walking away.

Whoa!

[crunch]

Aah! Cucumber!

Aah!

Kale!

Did you get it?

I got it!Did you get it?

I did!

We both got it!

The productionvalue on this

will get us to the topof "Hard in the Nards."

Again, I can'tstress enough.

Do not Googleany of that.

I need to see that tracking thingie.

Oh, we're notdoing that anymore.

I need to know where everyone in town is going.

Trust me, you don't want to know.

[roars] Show me!

Jeez, okay.

Explain how this works.

This is youat the police station.

The other blue dots arewhoever's wearing a tag.

Looks like a mob of themare coming down Main Street.

[tracker beeping]

They're coming towards the police station.

But...

they're supposed to go towards the booster.

Unless...

[tracker beeping rapidly] Eight metres.

[tracker beeping] Six metres.

[tracker beeping] Two metres!

That can't be.

That's insidethe room.

It's reading right, man!

[tracker beeping]

They're on the roof.

Wait, where'd Lacey go?

Ha ha!

Suckers!

I knew you'd want to protect the booster.

The tracking devices Karen and Davis put on you

led me right to it.

Tracking devices?

We're being monitored?

Uh...

don't you have a booster box to protect?

Too late! Ha ha!

[smashing]

There.

WiFi problem solved.

Oh, is it?

I'm still the only one with the password.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

And I'm the only one with a cleaver.

We should talk.

How's our video doing?

We rich and famous yet?

Far from it.

Check the comments.

"Two-camera shoot."

"This is fake."

"Totally staged."

How dumbare these people

that they can't enjoyreal stupid?

Oh, don't lose faith

in the stupidity of the Internet.

There's half a million hits

on "Hottie Meat Cleaver Mama

Loses It On Police Station Roof."

[groans]

Will you stop

showing that to people?

Hey, they called you "Hottie."

[groans]

[♪♪♪]

♪ I don't know

♪ The same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know

♪ I just... don't know

♪ Ooh

♪ It's a great big place

♪ Ooh

♪ Full of nothin' but space

♪ Ooh

♪ And it's my happy place

♪ I don't know